I saw Dr. Irma today. She wants me to write out all the things that I need to express myself. It's been a shitty week. Here I am trying to get surgery so I don't have to go through hell because I can feel parts of my brain dying and Stef is already going in because he's there. The things I want to avoid seem to elude some people and others till seem to get it while I feel like I am wading in an ocean of great whites getting ready to start my period.
We need this long weekend. We need a bigger place. It's already 2 am and I am nursing which is usual but after my 2 am nursing I go to sleep and I am keeping Josh up. He's freaking out about money and has been working overtime too. "I knew once I had a credit card you would run it up!!!" he yells at me today after I request that we get the fuck out of LA for the weekend. NEVERMIND. I don't want to. We spend $250 on costco stuff that I was the lucky one to buy last time but did I bitch about it when it was my money? I'm the dumbass that got money to pay off the credit card for this month and it wasn't that high. I am trying to teach him how to get a good credit rating but he won't listen to me because I fucked it up but I didn't have credit good enough to but a 200K home when I was 28 by being terribly stupid. Once upon a time I knew what I was doing. And he's acting like I am going out and burning money on crap and I am not. It sure would be nice to have that $200 ring we saw today at Costco though for having his kid but I guess he hasn't read any of those books where they say "you should get your SO a piece of jewely for having your kid."
Then he tells me how I am not paying rent. Um... ok. I told you as long as I was paying health insurance I wasn't paying rent so now I am on his health insurance and so I am expected to pay rent and I don't get state disability? I don't want this crap. I can't work and he sure as fuck can't afford day care either so I don't know where all this shit is coming from. He used to talk about how I would never work again but now he makes me feel like I should have to.
I freaked out about money last week but I am not anymore. I am supposed to be getting long term disability so that should make things a little nicer. He really pisses me off sometimes. I called him a pissy bitch to his face he storms out of the room. He calls me a fucking bitch under his breath and I realize it's not typical of him and I make him stay home from the hospital so he can rest and he brings that up and tells me it's the same thing, which it totally is not. I am not yelling at him telling him "I knew you would run up my credit card as soon as I got it" because I can tell we need a break today. There is just so much of this shit I will put up with and then whosh I am out of here, seriously. I'll die on the fucking streets I don't care. Instead of wasting time arguing with me find a new fucking job, Einstein. I think he missed out on a lot by not traveling because sometimes he lacks imagination whereas I have simply lost mine which pains me to no great end. And he won't take his 6 weeks due to him from having a newborn so... not like we can afford it. I hate having great ideas only to have them shit all over and I give up trying to find new ways of finding things to do or ways to relate because I just don't care so much. Then he has to wonder why we aren't getting along or why I don't try or care to figure out what we can do to make things better. It takes me a few days to articulate my feelings and when I get really upset it festers there like a mongo zit waiting to be popped and then wham it hits the mirror after a week. The glory of brain damage...
I made him buy a computer too because I am so fucking sick of sharing mine and he gave me so much shit about doing a few things on his new computer the other day that I just won't even fucking touch it again. He kept asking me why I was using his computer and it reminded me of my father and what a prick he was because he kept saying it over and over again until I told him to stop it and I was getting off the fucker. I was hoping I could actually accomplish a few things using two computers but I will rely on my old crappy one he fucked up by letting it drop on the ground and bending the keyboard which he swears he didn't do but I watched it happen. My dad was the kind of man that wouldn't buy us clothes to wear and then turn around and lock his door so we wouldn't wear his because he wore polo and shit like that and where I grew up you had to be preppy or you were scum... I was scum anyway but that's another story. Then he would blame us for not being perfect and I didn't realize that's kind of what I feel like right now with Josh and I don't want to and I know when he reads this he is going to be "Sorry I was an asshole" but I don't know how else to tell him some of these things because they upset me so much. No matter how hard I try to get away from my childhood having a child puts me there and rediscovering my unmet needs is no picnic. I try to meet his needs and felt like I have done so to the determent of my own health but now that I am getting over the fact that even though I am still dying I don't have to be push over smurf and I can push him off me like making him get his own God Damn computer and expecting him to cover the rent now that I am the mommy and taking care of our kid and not asking for money for taking care of our kid.
Or maybe I should write down everything I do for him from shopping for clothes, taking care of Cash, having sex and present him with a bill and just take my rent out of that so I won't feel like a burden and then I can see that I am actually worth more than I sometimes let myself see.
Then I come out from a bath and he's on my computer again. WTF? Use you own damn computer and quit using mine because all you could ever do is bitch about what a piece of crap it was. Can you tell we are ready to kill each other? I don't mind taking care of the boy but when he does things like takes off for a work function and I want to go with the kid because I think it's a great thing or he just leaves me here without caring how I feel then it makes me upset that he thinks it's ok to just go off and leave me with Cash whenever. The other day Steven needed someone to talk to so we went to get coffee and you would have thought I was committing a grevious sin because I didn't go check into the hotel with him. I needed some time away and it was his turn to watch the baby and then he doesn't understand why I have to take care of ME and get away from this for a change ON MY TERMS.
I saw Dr. Caton this week. Last year when I saw him he didn't want to take care of my pituitary problem but just my spine. "you are not normal but you are normal for you" he tells me. I am neurologically stable. I don't feel stable. I feel like an unstable radioactive element on the periodic table. I kept thinking one thing like Dr. Shaninhain was going to be the answer to my prayers and then get that Dr. Caton is going to drop me if I see Dr. Shaninhain but Dr. Kelly and Dr. Black are OK when both of those fuckers, even though they are board certified neruosurgeons, pulled numbers on me. My head is spinning and I don't know what to think.
"The good news is you don't have to make the decision now" and Irma says something that makes me think she is in support of Dr. S. She talks about how he is dangling that carrott in front of me. There is just so much and it's now almost 4 so I need to go to bed.
I hate being brain damaged. Steven came over yesterday. He had a menigenoma and he told me he was doing strange things like trying to join the Army. I told him they wouldn't take him. Not after brain surgery. We talked about a few things and I can tell his surgery and the end results have finally caught up to him.
My milk finally turned blue like Rita said it would. I want to pump extra milk so I can take a zanaflex one day and sleep for a long time. My boobs won't me though.
Monday September 19, 2005
Today is Lesli, my older sister's, birthday. She is sick of paying for her husband's bills. I would kill him I think. I am a bit fed up myself right now.
Josh doesn't listen to me sometimes. I told him a long time ago I didn't have to pay taxes because I am disabled so today I told him I didn't and he came in and told me he didn't believe me and then he started making fun of me "Oh don't doubt Catherine!" and then he can't figure out why I am pissed at him. FUCK YOU!
I want to leave him. I get so fed up with some of his shit sometimes I could puke. He sits around and plays with his dick way more than I care to be around. He's not listening to me. He has no self confidence to get another job. He was supposed to get a new computer to update his resume so he could start looking for new work but has he even fucking bothered to update his resume or even look for a new job? HELL NO!
He's redoing Richard the Rolfer's website. He is going to reap a lot of benefits from that too.
I can't fucking stand his family. His soon to be sister in law's grandmother died and his mother and father EXPECTED him to show up to the funeral when his own fucking brother didn't? WTF? So it's ok for them to expect familial obligations to a woman he didn't even fucking know to show up to a place Whatever. I went to Chris Johnson's grandfather's funeral because Chris set me and Josh up but I really hate Gaberalla, she is such a cunt. First she tells me not to drink a beer I had already finished when I was pregnant then to add insult to injury she talked about going shopping the next day as if to invite me but then was like "oh no... we are going in a Miata so you can't come". She didn't want to know me. Why am I wasting my time and energy going to this bitch's wedding when his brother is an asshole too?
They came over after the baby shower and I was mommy sleeping... half asleep and half awake and Tim(b) made sucking and farting noises and then said "I don't want one". When Josh and I first started dating he told Josh that he should hold me at arm's length. Josh didn't listen to him. I know I shouldn't care... that I should just go to the wedding and enjoy myself and get over them being stupid and immature but I really don't like them. They tried to act like I am a "typical" LA woman when they don't even fucking know me or anything about me so why should I bother?
I had forgotten that once you marry or get involved with someone you get their family too and I am so hating Josh's family right now. Not his Dad although I have to seriously question why he is with his mother.
Tahne,
Could I please ask you from now on to ask Josh about your worries when it comes to Cassius' health? I know you didn't mean to but I got really scared and freaked out the other day when you asked me even after my doctor friend told me they wouldn't do anything about his belly button right now.
Josh and I have been telling you guys since before his shower that his belly button was big but only recently found out the term was "herniated" and I thought you had changed him several times before and since and thought you weren't concerned because you were familiar with it but the other day when you mentioned that about his intestines and stuff my brain damaged mind went leaps and bounds beyond what you could ever possibly imagine so please, direct those kinds of concerns to Josh first because I've got too much going on right now to freak out and worry about more about things I can't control right now and if you are worried about something then it's going to freak me out way more than you could ever imagine and I can't afford the emotional energy on those kinds of issues right now unless it's something that is of major concern. He is not vomiting, he gets constipated but they say it's normal for a baby to have a BM once a week so... I have read a lot about it and try to stay informed about a lot of things.
It happened after he was overfed one day with a bottle. His belly button popped out and hasn't gone back in and from what I am told by other people it is ok and nothing to worry about what so ever.
He also has had several large BMs this weekend so everything there is fine.
I found these articles on herniated belly buttons and I hope it offers some comfort. You can also do a google search when you have questions concerning anyone's health ever.
Thanks for your concern. :D
Catherine
Ugh!!! It's already 3 am and I bet I still can't go to sleep because I am up freaking out about his God Damn family. I really need something else to occupy my free time. I don't want any negative energy coming into my life anymore but it seems that is all I know and that is what keeps me happy or at least satiated.
I didn't get out of bed this weekend hardly at all. Fucking great. I love being a total slug.
They want to go with us to the doctor and I don't want them to have any kind of control or anything. I feel like they don't listen to a god damn thing I say, anyway. That's what this is all about. Josh doesn't listen to me. His family doesn't listen to me. Why even fucking bother? I think if i weren't to go to Timbs wedding then that would be the biggest way to say "If you aren't going to listen to me then guess what I have to say?"
I'm not above saying fuck you either. People don't want to listen to me then I don't want to have to keep preaching to the choir. I am sick and tired of beating my head against the medical profession, his parents, and if I have to beat it against him then I am just going to run off to Hi and live my life until I die and let that be that. I know there is no ideal relationship but I am really getting frustrated with this one and I am seriously wondering how much more of this shit I can take before I finally say fuck you Josh, I don't want it anymore.
Is this the hormones talking or am I just really happy to be me?
