I was fired today.
Whew.
All that stuff. I am so glad it's over. Now I can sue them for firing me because I am disabled.
I have 2 job interviews this week.
I told Rey that they wanted me to see a shrink and well... here I am!
I think back to all the things I had to put up with there from being called Bevis to Bitch to listening to racial slurs about my co-workers. Kelly thinks I have grounds for a good lawsuit because all the problems started to occur once my walker came in the picture and I started asking for accomidations.
Now I know better. They say you have rights and then they take them away. Disabled people have no rights. IT's just a ploy into making you think you have job security.
Thursday November 6, 2003
So I have to go back
to SF to get my medical MJ shit up to date. I took a piss test today and
I know it's going to come back positive. I'm not going to sweat it too
terribly much because I have it all worked out. Plus I have unemployment
for the next 13 weeks which means that I can pay for the Russian translation
of my diary.
If I really wanted to I could take it easy because I think I got the job today doing outside sales for some company.
I am so fucking exhausted.
I haven't seen Balo. Moron reminded me that it's our anniversery is tomorrow
and I was like "What are you going to do? Take me to Johnny Rockets and
drink out of a ketchup bottle?"
I talked to him today
and I told him I was on EDD and he was like "I am too." He lost his job again. "I
don't know what I am going to do!!! I am going back to France. Pray that
the plane doesn't make it there."
He's such a fucking brat. I am over it. I am over him. I am over Balo. I am over a lot of shit. I'm exhausted and I am not going to get to rest before I start my new job and I am sharing my place with Zorba now and it's a little tight...
Here
are some awesome photos from Halloween.
Monday November 10, 2003
I AM SO HAPPY!!!!! I LOVE MY NEW JOB!
My boss is an awesome person. I feel like I swooped down into my element. I miss the ghouls. It would be nice to get their love and joy.
I'm watching this story
about JFK on A&E. What an amazing person. It makes me hopeful that maybe
I can one day run for office. I guess the whole pron thing is not an option.
Just the books.
I ate Zorba's Mac and Cheese tonight. The whole thing. YUM!
I talked to Olga on the
phone. "No more tazi cab driver?!?"
"No more taxi cab driver." I
have no clue what happened to him. I can't waste my time with what seems
to be childish infatuations with men that aren't my equal. No matter how
much it makes me happy.
I saw Lex last night as a regular boy. It was nice. Today is his birthday and I was his present. We had fun at the airport Mariott last night in the pool and jacuzzi.
I wish he was back tonight. It would be nice to sleep in the bed with him again. So strange. I guess he might be that friend with benefits. The SWA flight attendent working on gittin his piolet's licence and his plane (27 and a plane?!?!?!) is stuck at Bowman field.
"What's the furtherest you have flown?" I
chide.
"oh... through Indiana." he
answers.
He was fun... but I am not in the mood to have sex with only one man again. I don't know if I will ever find just one man to make it worth my while again. Some days I think I could love so many people and other days I know that things aren't the typical...
Poor Kennedy. He just wanted his boy to be healthy. I wonder if he would have let him fly... The most famous image being of him saluting his father good bye.
I am going through these military boys these days. I think the whimps have turned me off and I have no desire for men that have gone through it. In many ways it teaches a man how to grow up but in other ways I respect that men choose not to do so. I totally support Roman in his finally getting them to recognize that there needed to be an alternative servie in Russia but then again that taxi driver did make my heart a flutter. I honestly don't think I will ever quit feeling the love for him that I held because I simply never could tell him that I love him. I could only show him in pictures.
It's so amazing how much love JFK could give. I suppose that a person can only love so many people knwoing that everyone always loves them for being the person that they are. I hope to God I get to feel that sensation one day.
I remember Mama talking about when JFK died. She was in a car when MM died. She was in school when JFK died. I don't remember if they shut the school down but I know for a fact that the teachers came out of the rooms crying. It's stupid shit like this that really makes you miss your parents once they are gone.
I heard Buzzy tell me so many stories as we raced back up to SF this weekend so that I could get my Medical Marijuana card renewed. I told Dr. Ellis that I would testify because it makes me able to deal with my condition so much easier.
Nate AC (AC mean Arachnoid
Cyst from now on) called me this weekend and he was so ill. It broke my heart. "I needed to call someone." His
arachnoid membrane swollen from the barametric pressure, swollen from the
CSF not getting around that cyst. The neurological malaise that washes only
people with this affliction. He sounds so sad. He breaks my heart.
Tuesday November 11, 2003
Another day and I am so happy. My boss reminds me... reminds me of Anne in a way. Her birthday is coming up. I really like her she is cool. I feel comfortable there and I hope to God this job lasts.
I finally have my own office and I am totally stoaked. I think I have a prospective
client as well...
Monday
November 11, 2003
OK so as instructed.
Monday
November 11, 2003
I don't know how to feel really. I feel hot and cold all
the time with no in between. One minute I am happy happy happy and the
next I am pissed.
Am I a slut because I enjoyed what we did the other morning? I mean I was
talking about how I had never had that experience before and I was indeed
curious but I think I am mad because I really didn't have the chance to
choose.
I think in one minute it's all over and then the next my heart flames again
and I want more. It's not like I am blind walking into this. I know he
doesn't feel the same. It makes me really wonder how many times he fucked
another chick like this and for some reason... makes me really wonder if
he didn't rape women when he was in the army.
That's a big problem. You get these guys that think they can do whatever
the hell they want to and then all of a sudden when they are re-introduced
back into society it's as if you have released some kind of freak that
still thinks that he makes all the rules and fuck the rest of the world.
So I go back and forth. This is someone, although I have never came out
and said it out loud, I thought I could love a great deal. I don't know
why I imagined white picket fences and shit like that. I know I never imagined
him telling me he loves me after having sex with one of his best friends.
IS it a debt?
I feel like he is digging a ditch for himself. At first when I met him
he was going to Armenia and that never happened. Now he is going to West
Virginia where his commander is. It's like he is lost without having someone
there to tell him what to do because he just keeps fucking up and making
worse and worse decisions. Instead of coming out of it he gets deeper and
deeper with this bullshit that his friends are always going to take care
of him. That shit gets old. I know. Been there and done that and even though
it's another culture I still feel that somehow people still don't like
it.
I am going to meet with the great SB tonight. I am so excited. She had
a TV show and she is performing and tonight I am doing her photos for Hustler
because they are writing an article about her and naturally I was the first
person she thought of. I can't believe we have known each other over a
year in this crazy society. It's very funny how you get to become possessive
of your friends that you have had longer than a month out here.
God... why do I have to love fucking him so much? Why is it that I had
to freak the fuck out last night and get mad because neither one of them
had had a shower. Why can't I think of these things while they happen
instead of being a careless afterthought? And why does it seem that now
I am "maturing" into
this nympho that I always thought I was that both the shame and guilt
of society washes over me while the undeniable pleasure of living out
one
of my fantasies makes me have a craving for more.
I've been with other guys... but for some reason it's just not the same.
I wish I could flip the switch or just meet someone else that could capture
my imagination the way he does.
