Saturday
March 3, 2001
Carving
"I love you" into his flesh with my tongue he acts
as if it tickles.
"THANK
YOU MY HOME KEY.com" I scream countless times. They fired
Florent and gave him severance pay of 2 weeks not to mention
his last paycheck. Right now we have more money then we ever
had. I am so fucking happy because now we can move into this
little bungalow.
I
haven't had a chance to keep up with myself. It feels like life
has finally caught up with me and I don't have much time for
myself these days.
Yesterday
we drove down Highway 1. We stopped and saw the elephant seals
like I did with Zack and Syndy 2 years ago. Zack wrote me about
a week ago to let me know how he was doing and that he was sorry
he hadn't kept in touch.
There
weren't as many elephant seals on the beach this time but there
was one that was dead. A seagull sat and pick at what was left
of its eye balls.
A
red-tailed hawk sat on the fence post as I drove up. I haven't
really had the chance to take many photos. I have been spoiled
by my Leica. There really is no substitute. I have got to call
on Monday and have that girl send my lens.
So...
I am bleeding, which is good and I am reunited with my husband
which is even better. Jen, Florent and I are all moving into
a house here. We have to go and gut the mother fucker because
it is NASTY. Paint and polish and trying to figure out how to
clean things up.
Between
the two of us we have everything. Jen was dreading to buy a
vacuum. A house! A house in LA for 2K a month. We couldn't even
find a god damn apartment for that in San Francisco. It has
a yard, a back yard, if we are good we get to use the pool and
best of all a white picket fence.
When
we were in Big Sur we stopped off at the Redwood Forest. There
are these gigantic holes inside the Sequoia's that are large
enough for a man to stand in. I told myself next time I went
there I would be with a man and someone I loved very dearly.
We went inside one of the trees and consummated our love once
again. Florent is getting stronger.
Sunday
March 4, 2001
My arms are sore, my legs are sore and my husband doesn't know
how to paint. "Look honey! It's a tree!" Beautiful I thought
as kept cleaning. I thought he knew what he was doing but he
put a layer of paint so thick on the walls that it took forever
to dry. What took him 2 hours to paint took me 30 m inutes and
that's including the ceiling.
The house is officially in LA. I finally have and LA address
and naturally I have to fly to San Jose tomorrow to start working
on a project because I am perfect for the job. Fucking figures.
I don't give a shit I need to get all this worked out and feel
like I have a home I can come back to.
Wednesday
March 14, 2001
Ahhhh... access at last!
Saturday
March 17, 2001
My husband's body is curled around mine as I write these words.
"How
can you make love again? I am exhausted after last night." He
curls up next to my body and sleeps.
Jen left for Louisville last night so we have the house to ourselves.
Freedom to scream as loud as I want and not feel like I am disturbing
her.
I take the Cadbury chocolate cream egg and stick it inside me
to try and tempt my husband to eat me out. He approves of this
technique. Chocolate melts between my legs as I talk to Jen,
as I sit on the Chair. I leave little chocolate cunt kisses
where ever I sit.
We try to wait until she goes but that doesn't happen. We rush
back in the bedroom and he laps at my clit with loving tender
tendrils from his tongue. They tickle me and I can't stop giggling.
It doesn't take long before I want to feel him inside of me.
HE starts to rub his cock on my lips and I bend over and lick
the chocolate off of his cock.
I love the way my husband loves me. Whenever I doubt anything
about us all I have to think is how he makes me feel when he
is loving me and that makes everything OK.
I hear a crash from the other room. Jen is trying to stuff a
box in her top shelf and it won't fit. She almost fucks her
knee up again wearing these super high red boots. I got a pair
the same night.
The house... oh the house. Hardwood floors, nasty carpet in
our bedroom. Night blooming Jasmine our side and a white picket
fence. Buddy calls it disgraceland. Then fence needs to be painted.
I help Jen with her box to get it back up there. "What were
you doing?"
Amazingly enough I don't blurt out "Fucking my husband."
I come back here and we make love again. And again. And again.
Florent is the ONLY man I have ever met that can get a hard
on right after he comes. He's the only man that can maintain
a hard on after he comes that I have ever met. I knew I would
always be sated this way. I wouldn't have to beg for more or
always feel like a nymphomaniac because he likes it as much
as I do.
He is awake now. I made eggs and bacon half way through writing
this in hopes to restore his energy. I think today will be one
of the few days we can marathon fuck for a long time. Damn I
wish I had a site up and running.
Sunday
March 18, 2001
So we went to a taping of To Tell the Truth. It was pretty awful.
Florent wanted to join this casting thing and who was I to tell
him no? He was so happy and excited. It was quite a thing to
see, that's for sure.
Naturally the woman that warmed up the audience had a wonderful
Incestuous joke to make about Kentucky. I hate that shit. Be
more original, please. Some cunt kept calling me a bitch because
she got thrown off the show.
Some of these people out here have no fucking sense of humor.
So we came home and fucked like monkeys.
Wednesday
March 21, 2001
So we went to the INS today. Yippie. Always one of my favorite
things to do. We get to pick up Florent's advanced parole tomorrow.
The girl at the front counter was such a cunt.
I was sitting there thinking about it. I mean how many people
do you come in contact with that are just so vapid that you
never realize how much they can fuck your day up over nothing
other then giving you shit for no reason?
Anyway... we are going to Taipei in a 10 days...
Saturday
March 24, 2001
Lifestyles
of the young and married... Florent found out his dog is dying
and that his mother threw out a lot of his great-grandmothers
furniture and over 9000 books. Now if my granny did that I would
be upset but just imagine how he must feel because that shit
was centuries old. As a matter of fact I am kind of pissed
Did you tell her not to throw ANYTHING else away?
She's French, that stuff is crap over there.
PAIN PAIN PAIN. "We're FRENCH, we're superior." And she has
*no idea* how much that shit is worth over here. And when I
hear of people throwing away books I could SCREAM.
"Seil
mo marie!"
We've got no money... We have no job except for when we leave
for China. I think we should both go to the unemployment office
on Monday. My computer screen is broken. ICQ crashed and I haven't
saved anyone's ICQ numbers.
I honestly can't wait to get to Taipei just to have something
different to go on with my life.
Florent cried and cried last night when his mom told him his
dog had a bad heart. I said "Well, she's old." because that's
what he told me when I was upset about poppa dying. It really
bothers me that no one from my family calls me. Anne did get
ICQ though.
Anyway... Florent is awake now...
*
* *
I miss Geoff. I haven't heard from him in a while. I fucked
up my back and I am thinking about my brother in law, Geoff
and Peter. I can't imagine having a fucked up back. I would
rather have a fucked up brain but beggars can't be choosers.
I got one of those nada chairs when I went to the Mac World
thingie. It was $50 but it was worth every penny because as
I sit here with my monitor being supported by my clock radio
and my nada chair harnessed around my back it is the most comfortable
I have been all day.
Florent was "raping" me a second time today when all of a sudden
it started to spasm. I had to catch my breath a couple of times
before it was caught and the pain was blinding.
I couldn't figure out if it was from the laxative, if I moved
something or what I did. I crawled in the bath I had started
to run before we decided to make love again and it turned my
skin the color the sun can when it gets burnt. I didn't think
I had ran it that hot but... oh well.
I took an old Vicodan that I think I had back when I had my
gall bladder removed. "You want to go to the hospital baby?"
"HELL
NO!" All those assholes will do is take a ton of money and give
me drugs anyway. I don't need the government knowing everything
about every time I hurt myself.
I have been thinking about that a lot lately and it really pisses
me off. My mom was so proud to have her cancer cells shipped
off to Stanford so they could study her cancer. So that means
that pharmaceutical companies are buying our tissue up, doing
research on us and then selling us their shit back to us. This
is a practice that has to stop. In 20-50 years just imagine
all the shit they are going to have to help "cure" us. And then
think of the cost. I mean it's just ridiculous.
So I have been thinking about a lot of things lately. I hope
you have all seen South Park. I think I married the little revolutionary
of La Resistance. That's my husband down to a T I think. Long
black, curly hair and he is always talking about plots and conspiracies.
My favorites are the conspiracies against the French people
because he doesn't read a label or he just doesn't pay attention.
"I'm sick of you acting like my mother" he bemoans on a regular
basis. We are lost in Downtown LA and I calmly inquire "Do you
remember how to get to the INS?" He never pays attention to
that shit and expects me to know where we are at all times.
He loves to point out our differences but often exclaims "I
don't know what I would do without you." I guess it's nice to
feel so overwhelmingly needed on a constant basis. But other
times it really is a "burder."
I told him that when we went to France that Jen was coming with
us. Not only so he can have some free time to be with his family
but so I won't bug the fuck out of him to keep me entertained.
"Yeah... you will both be burdens" he jokes but I know how I
am when I am in a foreign country which worries me a little
when we go to China because I think he will tax me a great deal.
Who knows?
Dammit, my leg is falling asleep.
I am apprehensive about this trip. I am not sure we will have
enough money to do everything we want. All the more reason t
oget that porn site up and going so we don't have to depend
on other people for anything. I would rather do that then have
to worry about how I am going to pay bills the rest of my life.
I should do a chart of all the time I have actually spent being
employed by other people. I know it would be a pitiful chart
compared to a lot of people but hey... it works for me.
So I was sitting there watching Almost Famous when I
realized that yesterday when we stopped off Venice Beach to
swing that I fucked my back up by being "cute" and slipping
down into the swing so I could go through the air with my ass
facing the ocean. What a dumbass.
Monday
March 26, 2001
It really sucks having a fucked up back.
I got my Chinese Visa today but who the fuck knows if we are
going to go? I have my doubts these days. I haven't heard back
from Clive in a while and we don't have the money up front and
no plane tickets to leave on Saturday.
So who fucking knows anymore?
All I know is that my ass is looking for a job now, with some
urgency.
Plus I was in a good mood all day because I had a dream about
Dad getting a divorce from that evil cunt and then hen I talked
to Anne today on ICQ she said "How did you know they were going
to therapy for that?" I was elated.... maybe my psychic abilities
aren't running dry.
And I want you all to know that one of the reasons I haven't
been writing so much is because this is the least amount I have
been high in the past 3 years. It feels really fucked up to
be so god damn sober so much. But at the same time I really
am sure that I am in love with my husband even if I am having
dreams about other boys.
And... we went and saw 15 Minutes the other night and you miss
a whole of the movie if you don't understand Russian. I could
catch phrases in check but you missed a lot of Russian because
they didn't completely translate it well enough.
Tuesday
March 27, 2001
So... If Joe fancies himself a writer again...
I
am losing so much weight... I am actually trying now. No more
meat. Fuck getting mad cows disease. Fuck putting shit into
my body. Brown rice and carrot juice. I look at my passport
photo and my Visa to get into China and the difference is a
double chin.
I guess Tanya was right... brown rice is key.
OK... concentrate.... what do I want out of life... I want my
dad to divorce that bitch. I want to know if I am fucking leaving
for China today. I want to have a career where I photograph,
write, travel and do design with my husband. I want to be apart...
or a part of something...
I look at my face in the mirror now. I am all lips. It's really
strange.
*
* *
I just finished reading Joe's
short story. Naturally it's fucked. I can't help but think
about the parallels between our own lives. I don't know why
we choose to weave the webs we do around each other's lives.
Maybe it's like looking at a car wreck that we both know we
would die from if we touch the wrong piece so we just sit there
in the aftermath of our own disasters, watching each other with
voyeuristic eyes.
It's nice to know he is finally getting a sense of himself once
again that that cunt decimated. I hated that fucking whore but
being between two people in a fucked up relationship was never
my forte because I have learned but one thing and that's to
cautiously watch who the victor will be. Since I hated her from
the minute I sat across the table of some dinner she had made
on the fly and comment on how "my mom was so upset that I didn't
marry a doctor or a lawyer instead I just married a computer
programmer..." I wanted to kill that stupid bitch that moment.
Then I wanted to kill him when I was the dumb ass that helped
him obtain his freedom and move to a different city and he chose
his wife who had just beaten the holy shit out of him. How in
the fuck could he stay in such an abusive situation for so long?
I knew he was going to have to go down a long, dark road and
although I had to take the same path breaking free of being
abused as a child I knew that was a journey he had to take alone.
I was not going to be his rebound.
I made a choice to make myself as accessible as we could stand
it. To watch and cheer from the sidelines and I still find a
pang of jealously wash over me every once in a while when I
don't get to share his life. I wonder if I feel that way with
all my loves.
It's kind of like what he said the other night... You don't
want to start anything up with the person you cared about but
you just want to continue sharing in their life because they
touched you when you needed it the most. You want to make sure
that for some reason, you still mean something to that person
that no one else will ever mean to them.
I like to think I have the ability to do that will all my friends
because they all mean so much to me in so many ways. Jenna is
moving out here. Joe will be out here later this year. I am
excited to have my friends around me because now I know with
their love and support, I will be somebody. Maybe even a legend
like Florent called me when we first married... "You hear about
these American women that are legends but you never really expect
them to be real..."
It's a lot of responsibility because in that you have to maintain
a certain sense of who you are and that you will always mean
something to those people you touch and in return touch you.
So... I wish Florent were here so I could fuck his brains out.
My back is much better today, thank you very much. I wrote my
father a letter and told him about my dream and a couple of
other things as well.
I talked with Jen. I still don't know if we are leaving for
Taipei.
My life keeps getting better and better. I listened to Marilyn
Manson the other day and one of his songs has the line "When
all of your wishes are granted, many of your dreams will be
destroyed." That means I need to wish for bigger things and
make things happen in my life.
Kind of like when Florent told me he wanted to go to China a
couple of months ago...
Life is strange that way in that things just happen. I hope
it always remains that way and I can't help but know that I
will always live my life in extremes because I don't know differently.
Friday
March 30, 2001
Up
Down
Up
Down
Up...
I got locked in at the
most amazing place last night. I was going for an interview
as an editor and parked these assholes place who closed and
locked my car in all night.
Like I really gave a fuck. I spent one of the coolest nights
of my life last night captivating the attention of the leading
sexologist. We talked about a lot of shit. I am in awe. I had
seen her on Real Sex on HBO a couple of times but it
never really registered that she was well... real.
I think she is going to hire Florent to add shopping carts and
me to revamp her site. I am so fucking excited thinking about
it that it's now 4 am and I still can't sleep. I knew I shouldn't
have drank that last thing of coke...
We are supposed to leave for Taipei next week on the 7th I think.
I want to go back to the studio and re-work her site though
before I leave. It needs a major face lift and I think I can
get it in good order before I leave.
When it rains, it pours. She told me she would like to link
back to my site. She's also a Gemini and she was amazed at how
well we hit it off. I was too but as the night went on we had
so much in common. Both our mommies are dead. We both love to
be vocal about sex and we both have an unwavering passion for
computers.
To say I fell in love with the whole *idea* of who she is would
be an understatement. I fell in love with the art gallery, all
the sex toys just haphazardly laying around, the equipment and
the people too.
They are talking about buying a hotel... we could move in there
and not have to pay rent and work and socialize with some of
the most fascinating people. A sex hotel. I think everything
happens for a reason and all the things I have ever wanted to
do with my life are starting to happen. I am going to get to
work with my husband so we will be together all the time, we
can lay around and fuck all day and work all night. I get to
take photographs of who knows what and I get to travel in the
meantime.
Wow
