Sunday December 19, 2004
Josh if you read this I am going to be very angry with you. These are my thoughts and feelings TODAY and I'm allowed to feel this way.
Josh got here tonight. After much begging I finally got him to agree to have sex with me. "It's Just Sex."
"You are not respcting your grandmother. We are going to get kicked out and then where are we going to go?" He freaks on me. I start crying. Like I haven't cried enough today. He's tired and pissy and listened to me bitch the entire way to Danville about how I was crying because I was hurt because my sister didn't even come down here even when her power went out. She hates me and doesn't even want to try to work anything out.
I give up. He broke my heart tonight. He only brought 5 patches from home. That's 10 days. I'm here until the 7th. "I'll send you some when I get home." I run out on the 28th. Cluster fuck. Buzzy is pissed at me and put all the things I had on her computer in the trash. "Some of the things were locked and you put the firewall on my machine."
"I never touch the firewall."
"Yes you did."
I think I am just going to have a melt down. "I'm sorry I said the things that I did but I had to say them in a manner that you understood." Which made me cry more. I didn't want to touch him after that. He hurt my feelings enough for the day. Everybody has. I just wish I would fucking die already.
When does life become unbearable to live? My grandmother is ready to leave. She talks about dying all the time and she is in better health than I am. "What do you feel like you are dying from?"
"Old age."
I explained to her that I didn't want her to watch me die. That I left for California to get treatment and I swear noone understands. They think I can find a doctor here with their disapproving glances.
I should have left Josh alone. He didn't want to have "just sex" but it was so good and so nice and then he totally cheapens it by calling it "just sex" and then turns around and bites my fucking head off and then expects me to hug him and make it alright.
"Just give me my drugs." and that's when he pulls out 5 patches and I freak. Now I have to call Buzzy and beg her to send me 5 more.
I'm so sick of feeling like crap. I'm so scred and no one give a fuck. I want to go lie on my mom's grave and just die there frozen to death from this fucking syringomyelia. But no... I must fight. Fight to live my life the way I want to. Fight to have "just sex" with my boyfriend.
I spilled my guts out to Granny. "I can't take it if you keep crying like this. I cry all the time." I look around the house and there are signs of wear and tear. She doesn't want to do anything. She won't fix the other heater in case this one breaks down. She won't fix the dripping faucet in the bathtub because all it needs is an O ring.
"You helped Anne buy that house right?"
"Yes." Fucking BINGO. Anne was telling me how I ask Granny for money all the time. I was like... um no. Even when I was homeless I didn't ask Granny for anything. I knew better.
Now Josh threw a temper tantrum because I was crying when I left. "We can't have sex here baby." But we just did in the bath tub. Glad you could get off. I just needed 5 more minutes.
"Then we aren't having sex here again." I tell him.
"We have to find other places."
"Where? In the car?" I won't do it in the car again. I hurt my shoulder really bad last time. I got to go to bed. It's almost 3 am and I am really sick of crying from all this shit. I should have taken a nap so I could have dealt with a tired and cranky boy/man because I just didn't have the emotionally reserves today. I can't give anyone anything.
"Just take care of Joshy pie and I will take care of you." He tells me as he is driving us on the back roads to Danville. We got lost each windy road that curved through Lexington, Burgin and Harrodsburg.
I feel like sleeping on the couch. "I'm not a girl..."
Monday December 26, 2004
You can never go home.
I take a long look through red, swollen tear encrusted eyes caused by a fight from a selfish fucking bitch realizing I can never come home again. I kept tell them this was my last trip home. I told that to Anne and she is so pissed that she has been digging and digging and digging at me all weekend. Not to mention she regifted her presents and gave us $25 because she is so thoughtless that she can't think of what to get either me or Josh.
She has 5 horses now. 2 dogs, 2 cats and she wanted us to come stay with her. I just give up. I asked to borrow her photos so I could scan them and she said "You never share your photos with me." Down comes London.
