Wednesday
November 1, 2000
Yeah I
have been a flake these past couple of days.
I am freaking
majorly. On my way to this career fair some guy told me my tire
was bad and I check and there was a nail in it. Plus the tires
were pretty bald so I had to have them replaced.
I called
Conni to tell her and she was feeling bad because she didn't
have that done before but I didn't give a shit. I'm just freaking
about x.com keeping the money I sent and I can't use my fucking
ATM card.
What else
is going on? Not much. I am really trying to concentrate on
getting a job. Gee... I'm sitting in a career fair waiting to
go in and I don't think I am trying hard enough. There are only
so many resumes you can submit, so much shit you can do on the
net and other shit... I am so nervous.
Funny how
fucked up situations like the car fucking up don't bend me out
of shape but going to a fucking career fair does. IF I get offered
a job on the spot should I take it? I think I am going to tell
them I need to do more research on their company. Should I take
a part time job just in case I need to to make ends meet?
I think
all these questions and more will be answered by the middle
of next week. I think Jenna is going to try to come out here
too... that will be fun :)
Thursday
November 2, 2000
I had
an e-mail today from someone interested in my work. That was
affirming. Plus at the career fair I went to today there was
a woman at one booth that asked me if I would work internationally.
"I have
my passport on me."
I think
she liked that answer. I am going to go hang out with Conni
and her kids now...
Friday
November 3, 2000
I feel
a million miles away from home. I was driving down the Highway
and looking into the dark and seeing all these palm trees. I
am never going back to Kentucky. I don't care what I have to
do to stay here.
So...
I am feeling weird about being here. I am starting to feel like
I am interfering in Michelle's and Michael's weird fucked up
relationship. I vacuumed today, went to the fucking grocery
and did whatever. The first fucking thing I hear when I get
home is "Michael said something about the table being a mess.
He brought friends over."
"Hello...
um, did you notice that I vacuumed?"
Sometimes
I forget to clean up after myself. I am not perfect but I think
I make up for these tiny indescretions in other ways. I guess
Michael doesn't have to eat any of my soup. I am not putting
up with this bullshit. I have to have a job tomorrow. I have
to start making some fucking money now and move into my own
god damn apartment. I don't give a fuck if all my shit's in
Kentucky.
I did
not become an adult so I could be put through this shit. I think
I want to value my privacy a little more unless Jenna moves
out here.
All I
can say is that I need some money. Bad. At the Career Fair yesterday
I walked up to a lady and she looked at me and said "We are
based in San Fran."
"I'm really
living with a friend. I am willing to relocate."
"Are you
willing to travel?"
"Yes."
"Internationally?"
"I brought
my passport."
Because
in times like this you can never know. It would be nice to get
that gazillion dollar job and start fucking traveling immediately
to Singapore or somewhere exotic. I would love to be pimped
out like that. If I left tomorrow that would mean that I could
start making some money immediately and go away for three weeks,
buy another Leica or a used Nikon and take photos and design
web pages.
MMMMMM...
yeah baby.
A girl
has to have her dreams. But what if... I fail? I am about to
die. This is one of the things that echos in my head a million
times a day. As I sit here wearing the Cisco sweatshirt Tanya
gave me I freak out because I don't have a job.
The recruiter
from mySimon.com looked at me as I walked up to her. "You look
really familiar." I felt like I did that time when someone asked
me if I was cunt from the nine inch nails board at that concert.
She noticed this nasty guy walk up to the desk with his fly
open. She said to me "I was going to tell him but I..."
"You want
me to tell him?" I asked.
Then it
was a 20 second stare out. She didn't want to tell me yes but
she didn't want to tell me no either. "I'll go tell him."
I walked
up to him and was like "Your fly is open."
"I like
you already." She said to me when I got back. Later on he came
gheezing up to me acting like I was wanting a piece of action.
"Blah blah blah-bid-te-blah blah..."
"Dude...
I am not the one that noticed. Someone else told me." He left
me alone after that.
All I
know is that life is very strange.
Saturday
November 4, 2000
I am so
happy.
Fin Chapter
One
Sunday
November 5, 2000
His name
is Florent and his intensity, his passion I think might just
supersede that of my own right now. He was born on St. Catherine's
day, November 24, and he possesses the power of a god or an
angel... the purity in his heart is equal to that which I feel
in my own.
I am sure
I have loved him before. I can't not look into his eyes and
not feel that passion he insight within my soul.
Nobody
ever told me it would be this easy to fall in love.
I think
I tried to put the clues together before I started. I can even
think of certain incidents in my diary... sipping drinks
with Zac in the South of France...
Talking
to him is like talking to a reflection of myself. Everything
is met with some thing as brilliant or intimate. Deep, profound
feelings followed with such words...
"I think
that you were an angel before. You are so beautiful. This is
the woman I am to fall in love with!" It's like a cycle... I
tried to write earlier, but words would not come. How can I
possibly articulate the feelings I have inside the depths of
my soul as all the dreams I have had, all the aspirations I
own are thought to be beautiful and met with the reflection
that they can all come true for the simple reason that they
are my dreams and I am loved by him.
Monday
November 6, 2000
I felt
the coldness cling to his flesh as he went in and out of me.
High above San Francisco, we consummated our love for one another
as the city was emblazoned beneath us. It was fun to see life
from a completely different perspective than ever before.
I have
never felt this way about any man. I can't imagine what life
was like before clinging to him tightly on the back of his motorcycle
in 50 degree weather, nor feeling him enter me when the winds
were blowing so hard and his cock entering me so lovingly.
We were
like that, at the top of Twin Peaks, watching the lights flicker,
drinking sweet white wine enjoying pleasures of the flesh, freezing
our asses off, literally.
Wednesday
November 8, 2000
I dreamed
about this time in my life. That there would be a man on this
planet that completed me into the depths of my soul. I never
knew it could really happen.
I feel
like someone took a piece of my heart, cut it out and formed
the most beautiful man in the world just for me. He calls me
his angel, his princess. He is so incredibly perfect for me.
So tender, so sweet, so fucking intelligent.
His name
is Florent. He's going to be 25 on St. Catherine's day, the
25th of this month. I thought up this idea of what my ideal
mate would be like, thought about it long and hard.
I feel
now like it was fate that I came out here. That we were meant
to be... He doesn't have the shame that other men have, he doesn't
have the ego of a monster... You know how when you enter a relationship
you start putting up flags where there will be personality conflicts?
I haven't felt that once with him. I keep thinking that there
will be something... but there is nothing, he fills me up with
more beautiful feelings and more beautiful experiences.
I have
never felt such feelings of warmth and tenderness nor such levels
of intimacy.
We are
addicted to our love for one another. We honestly haven't spent
longer then 30 minutes apart since Friday except for today when
I went to the grocery store alone. Although yesterday we went
to get some art supplies and he was in the store trying to find
me and couldn't.
I didn't
know he was frantic with worry because he thought he lost me.
I can't
possibly articulate all the wonderful feelings I have for him.
I think
it's wonderful that we are both unemployed right now. There
is this excitement because we are both so fucking broke right
now and tomorrow we can both have 100K dollars jobs.
He is
a Java programmer. Together we are our own company.
He's been
frantic trying to get a job for some time now. About as long
as I have. We put his resume on Dice.com yesterday and all day
his phone was going off. We were laughing because it was ridicules.
Life can
change so rapidly in the course of a couple of days.
I will
never doubt that people can find their soul mates again as long
as I live because I have found mine... and his last name is
Paredes.(paradise)
Thursday
November 9, 2000
"You know
I specialized in light at my University when I was studying
physics?" (To a photographer light is everything).
We got
into a discussion about light. I told him what I knew and then
he started to tell me about how light goes through everything.
That energy doesn't stop. That it's the energy from inside of
you that makes the light change. He told me that the reason
I see things differently is the way light travels through my
eyes because they are so many different colors.
As we
sat there I looked deep into his eyes and saw a flicker of light
deep in his pupils that I could only gather was the light from
his soul.
He tells
me that the way light travels through me is unbelievable. That
he can see me through everything and that I am his angel.
Constant
compliments like "You are so beautiful, J t'aime, you are my
angel" are falling from his supple, tender lips.
Let's
see... how can I describe his qualities... he plays the clarinet,
he has been skiing since he was 4, he knows what it's like to
grow up without a dad but told me that since bad things happened
to me with mine that it's much harder to get over. He rides
a bike. He's a computer scientist. He takes an active interest
in my art and loves to see my photographs.
We talk
about how nice it would be to make love to one another on this
earth. When he is inside of me he touches the deepest level
that is me and makes me sing like an angel.
He's beautiful,
kind, sensitive... he was born on St. Catherine's Day, November
25.
Looking
at him with my eyes I see the perfect model for all my photographs.
I look at the way the light falls all over his body and marvel
at all the different angels in which I see him. I told him I
can't wait for my camera to be fixed because then I will worship
him with my lens and show him ways in which he could never see
himself.
He encourages
my art. He is a source of inspiration. We went to Pearl
the other day and when he couldn't find me he thought he lost
me and was freaking out (naturally I was in the bathroom). I
went to the grocery store yesterday and was wigging because
he was not with me and when I got back, I confessed this feeling
to him and that's when he told me about how he felt when he
thought he lost me.
If there
has ever been anyone more in love than I am with my husband
I have never met them. If a man has ever loved a woman the way
he loves me I have never met her. I think our love for one another
rivals that love in which only gods are allowed to feel. Or
maybe angels.
When we
imagined one another... when I imagined my soul mate, I had
no clue he would be even more beautiful than he is. When he
imagined his in that way that is unspeakably romantic he never
imagined that I would be so beautiful.
I can't
believe he really exists. I dreamed and even hoped for this
day to come... to be with the man that was so perfect for me.
That we would understand everything about one another and support
and love each other the way it should be done. I had no idea
it would be so easy. I had no idea it would be this intense.
I love
to tell him about all the beautiful places I have been to where
it would be fun to make love with him. I never thought I would
find someone that loves to have sex outside as much as me, either.
"it's beautiful, it's natural."
I love
to hear him speak. I could listen to his voice for hours on
end and his accent brings me so much delight. I know he won't
always speak to me the way he does now. That his English will
improve the longer we are together so for now I savor and cling
to every sweet thing that falls from his lips.
I find
myself feeling guilty for being so much in love. For not being
less wounded when we met. He understands the wounds though and
is trying to make them hurt less and less. He is healing my
heart from the inside out and that makes me feel even more beautiful.
I love him because he was the first man to have seen me for
who I really am, and to love me like tiny little snowflakes
falling from the sky that will build up into a deep snow.
"I almost
died one time skiing. I was going so fast I could feel the snow
crack underneath my skis. I got to the end of this place that
dropped off and you couldn't see below it anymore. I saw the
light for a second. I fell 30 meters into a soft layer of snow."
I wanted
to tell him about the times I came close to death but I don't
want him to know that I felt so bad about myself that I hurt
myself. I almost started crying then and I am tearing up now
thinking about all the wonderful things I would have missed
out on had I succeeded in my attempts.
I feel
so many, many things now and I have been told that it's OK to
feel everything. That it's OK to cry. That I am beautiful just
the way I am and he doesn't want me to change at all.
At this
point I see that being impossible. I think once we found one
another everything started to change and for the first time
in my life I really feel like I am in paradise. All the confusion,
all the angst, all the unrealistic fears that never honestly
belonged to me disappeared when he held me in his arms and loved
me for who I am today.
I know
I will change and evolve into the woman I always dreamed I would
become because it's fate.
If you
think I am being sappy you should hear his side of the story.
I didn't
even know his last name the first time we made love and as I
was in his arms and asked him he answered "Paredes" and when
it is pronounced it sounds like "Paradise".
Friday
November 10, 2000
"What
is farting?"
Giggles
of delight kept coming out of me.
"It's
something that you put on your skis?"
More laughter
and delight.
Nothing
ever bothers him. He is the happiest man I have ever seen. So
full of life. He's always telling me how beautiful I am and
will even stop in mid sentence to let out a "wow" or a breathy
sigh. I would think that it would have died down by now, that
he wouldn't be like this always but I am slowly starting to
realize that's his nature, that's who he is... a heavenly creature
that is kind, sensitive, loving and affectionate.
Nothing
ever bothers him. He doesn't give a shit what other people say
to him. His room mate was pissed at him yesterday and said a
lot of shit trying to make him feel bad but he came back in
and wasn't bothered at all.
I know,
on the other hand, if it were me and I said a harsh word to
him I would hurt him. I feel very protective of us. We are both
really sensitive people.
Sunday
November 12, 2000
So I have
a contract for perm job. I am excited about that. Flo got a
job too making a lot of money. I think we are going to have
to pay for our own health insurance because we will be skipping
around from job to job looking for a permanent place to settle
into.
Right
now I am being courted by a gentleman from Pixoarts.com.
I am taking
this contract job because Flo's roomie works there and I can
hitch a ride with him in the am, and then go do what ever I
need to do and try to find another job.
I think
I could work on porn sites because I am beginning to believe
those are the only kinds of sites that can pay me the amount
of money I want. I got an interest from fuckingmachines.com
so I think I should do that for contract because I don't want
my grandparents to shit egg rolls.
Last night
Flo started to teach me more and more about how computers work
and he began to "learn" me Java. He's also started to teach
me French.
We are
living in Diamond Heights. I made him wake up and we walked
down to Castro. I think I love San Francisco for the simple
reason that no matter where you walk whenever you go by a certain
place everything can look different. We stopped in someone's
garden today and were kicked out of it. That kind of sucked.
I hate it that gay people have been treated so poorly by straight
people or that people have to have such feelings about a place
to call their own that they don't wish to share it with strangers.
Anyways...
we walked around for about 4 hours. It was nice. It was nice
to walk in the city and I honestly can't wait to have my SUV
out here so I can navigate some of this system on my own.
I am very
sleepy now. My friend, Susan, started a diary. I am proud of
her.
And in
other news my buddy Kimber has a bun in the oven so congrats
to you and your hubby, Kimber :)
I wish
I had more to say. Yesterday I spent an hour on the back of
Flo's bike on the Freeway and it was rather cold. It wasn't
as bad as I had expected though...
Monday
November 13, 2000
I started
work today for Evolve.
I am working as a content manager and system administrator.
I think once my contract is up I might even stay on. I really
like the people I am working with and I like having a new Thinkpad.
It almost makes my G3 seem like a bulky mess.
Flo and
I went to INS this morning. We have all the forms and what a
fucking nightmare. "This has more fucking writing than the bible!"
I think he is right.
I am learning
Ultradev and SQL and I will be picking up ASP. My boss showed
me some of the things about it today and although I don't know
the terms for all the things I think I impressed him with some
things and disgusted him with others. Gabriel, my boss, reminds
me of Dan D from when I worked for U of L.
I am so
sleepy. I want to be more graphic, watching Henry & June
is kind of making me think about some of the ways I could write
but I am not in the mood since I was awakened at 6:40 this cold
morning to go to INS on the back of a motorcycle.
Tuesday
November 14, 2000
Happy
B-Day Jacinta
Is it
fair to be this happy?
I think
part of the reason I didn't want to come out here was because
I knew in my heart I could experience such bliss... and I don't
know why I hesitated.
"I've
been waiting for you for 6 months..." we both felt the pull
to come here. I think some people were just meant to be.
* * *
You did
catch that I am married now, right?
This is
a sample of what my baby wrote to me: Catherine I miss you.
I work just in front of a huge window that I can touch if I
stretch my arms. I see the sky, sunny today, I see an angel
in the sky. The most beautiful angel. She has taken my heart
up there. I love you.
Florent
Wednesday
November 15, 2000
I called
him an asshole this morning. I feel so bad. He can be more stubborn
than me. He had to go to Hayward to see the doctor and he was
riding his motorcycle. It's sooooo cold now and on the back
of a bike it's even worse.
I asked
him to wear my turtleneck and he wouldn't so I called him an
asshole. I was half asleep anyway. Then I called him stubborn
and he didn't like that. I am sure he was half asleep too.
Tonight
I am alone... it's really nice.
But I
miss him. He is working for a start-up and the hours are ridiculous.
I worry
for him more than myself. I don't think that is a healthy attitude.
I talked
with Zack today. It was pretty awful. I think he is too stuck
up and I think I am finally going to listen to Diana. I don't
think there is anything to that relationship anymore and I am
to the point where I just want to work on the relationships
that work and for now I can totally be consumed with my husband.
Zack upset
me a great deal. He said when they used Evolve software at Zefer
they used to call it Devolve. I called Florent at work and we
were able to chat for a bit and he said "You are a positive
person. Why do you let this shit get to you." Well... not exactly
like that but the idea.
I don't
know. It's kind of amazing how easy I am finding it to not let
any shit bother me out here. I don't know why I find myself
attached to people that suffer for no reason. I told Conni and
Judith jokingly that I attach myself to people that suffer because
honestly I don't suffer like other people.
I must
thank the bestest of my friends, Jacinta, right now for sending
me clean sheets. Florent and I have been sleeping on a broken
futon (GOD I MISS MY BED) without sheets. At first it was very
romantic. Everything seemed so romantic a week ago.
I don't
think I wrote enough about what was going on. It was funny because
we both didn't have a job and we were offered a job on the same
day. Our lives are taking off I just hope we get to have time
for one another. I am lucky in that I can leave at 6.
I think
I am going to save some things for later. I told Kevin last
night that I was married. He thought I was joking. Zack was
in shock.
I don't
know how to explain it... I knew that there was someone out
there so perfect for me. Someone that was romantic, someone
that would see me for the beautiful woman I am... I am watching
Mash and they are singing My Old Ky Home... it's shit
like this that makes me realize I am doing the right thing.
Everything
is weaving itself together... like a very intricate pattern.
I knew
I wanted someone so beautiful. So perfect for me. I could feel
him as if he were a part of me. I knew he would be brilliant.
I knew he would be foreign and he would need my help to stay
in the country. I knew he would be the most beautiful man in
the world. I wasn't sure if he would be tall, short, fat, thin.
I think I was trying to make Kevin and Andy and everyone fit
into this mold of mine that no one ever could. I knew I was
destined to be with someone like Florent. That we would fall
in love instantly. That we would both bring so much from all
the interesting things we could do. He grew up without a father.
I don't know if it was me that needed that in him or if that
was what I needed in him. He is adventurous. He is SO affectionate.
He has long, unruly curly hair that he can only put back.
He knew
certain things about me. He knew to be here. He even kidded
me the other day about waiting for me to come here for 6 months.
I felt the pull to come here. I knew I was supposed to be here
2 years ago. I could tell I just didn't know when.
I know
we are not perfect together just yet because only time and getting
to learn about one another is what makes it all worth it. But
I know we are soul mates.
We made
love on a deck nearby outside the first night... When we went
back the next day I put my legs over his and sat close to him
and he confessed "I will always remember making love to you,
Catherine." He says the most beautiful things. He was already
in the Army and they kept him in longer because he would always
laugh at what they had to say.
"I want
you to keep your last name because Catherine Clay sounds more
like an artist." Everything that I thought would be an issue
isn't. There aren't any big problems yet. I am sure that will
change but I really don't give a shit now. I am enjoying being
consumed and in love with someone that is as equally consumed
and in love with me. Someone that is so happy to see me when
he comes through the door. I started bitching last night when
he came in but he was just happy. I was upset because he missed
dinner, the first one I was able to make for him but he missed
it because he was working late. It made me sad.
So we
finished talking about that shit and then cuddled a lot and
kissed and loved on one another and I finally made him go eat
his plate. He came in here when he was done and sat down and
said "That was the best meal I have had since being here in
the States."
I could
go on and on. Kimber told me to not make it too sappy but my
god... my life has never been better and I wish to extol the
glories of being with the perfect partner for me.
Maybe
it was rash, maybe it was too sudden and maybe it wasn't the
right thing to do, only time will tell. I can say that I feel
very deeply in my heart that he is my soul mate and we were
meant to be together and be in love and to be happy and show
that we are very happy to other people and to prove that there
are people that were meant to be.
Thursday
November 16, 2000
My husband
wake up in the morning before me sometimes. Today I awoke before
he did. I watched him sleep because he was tired. I wanted him
though. I wanted him to wake up and start the day in between
my legs. I snuggled in his arms after I used the rest room and
listened to him fall gently back asleep and start to snore.
I let him sleep while I stared out the window and watched the
day come to life from the dawn.
I wanted
him though. I thought about how when he is inside of me I feel
so complete. I thought about how when he kisses me he teases
me with his tongue and how my body responds to those kisses.
My nipples turn into tiny, hard buttons that he gently caresses
or sometimes rubs them awake. This morning he did not have that
opportunity because I wanted him.
He slept
on and I couldn't stand it any longer. I eased down and took
his hard cock out of his fly and kissed him awake that way.
I heard him moan gently and he started to move my hair so he
could watch me sucking on his cock. When I felt like I had serviced
him enough I moved up and kissed his waiting mouth. I know how
to make his body respond to me.
He kissed
me lovingly until he could take it no longer and mounted me.
Slowly he entered my body and I gasped at the delight of feeling
him enter my body and the anticipation of touching my soul.
He moved his body above mine and all my senses concentrated
on the pleasure that I was receiving. I think the fact of knowing
that this is my husband and knowing that we are committed to
one another have allowed me the freedom to allow myself to feel
sensations I would only allow myself to feel for him. To be
in touch with those places I held sacred for the man I deemed
extraordinary enough to make my husband and to be the woman
extraordinary enough to be his wife.
I moved
my hips against his, causing him to hit my g-spot just a little.
We moved like this for several minutes and then I pushed down
with all my might and he answered me with his body by pushing
deeper into my body and somehow managing to make his cock harder
inside of me. Gasping and groaning we forged this lover's battle
to see who could feel the most amount of pleasure. When we were
satisfied enough we stopped and he laid on top of me. When he
tried to take his cock out of me I protested because he was
still hard and I always want more.
We started
again and this time I mounted him. He took my hips and moved
them harder just like I had put my hands on his ass so he could
get deeper inside of me. I looked down at him and fell in love
all over again by watching him getting so much pleasure from
being inside of my body and rubbing my g-spot just right.
Friday
November 17, 2000
God my
life rocks.
It's hard
to believe I met the man of my dreams only 2 weeks ago.
It's hard
for me to believe that I am working a job I love. I am finally
starting to get the hang of everything going on around here.
I realize that it can all change but... you never know.
I don't
look forward to going home on Monday. I have got so much shit
to do. I have to pack up all my shit and put it in storage.
I have a ton of information I need to sort through.
I am sad
to say that Kimber lost her babe. I think I may have reported
that already but I don't know for sure.
Ironically
enough Diana has to have her gall bladder removed. She was at
my place when I had a really bad attack. It's funny how life
cycles.
Oh I am
tired from working all week but I am so happy to be working
and so happy to be going home to someone that loves me as much
as I love him.
I should
go pee and stuff. My face is finally clearing up. Life is sweet.
Sunday
November 19, 2000
We walked
around most of the day yesterday on Haight. Florent needed some
new shoes and we are finally no longer flat busted because he
had his mommy send him some of his money.
I figured
it out and we are going to be pulling in close to 7 thousand
a month after taxes together. That's more than I ever made at
Edonia.
So the
first store we went to was a store with John Fluevog's shoes.
He calls them Angels. I think Florent and I are sweet and sappy
in the same way that we love symbolism. We even went to Shoe
Biz and looked at shoes and that's where I got my funky boots
2 years ago but they didn't have any interesting shoes.
We went
to a couple of consignment shops and I figured out that he wears
about a size 40 in a leather jacket. I can't stand that he rides
his bike wearing just a thin jacket everyday.
I got
a nifty bag that I can feel confident I am not going to lose
on the back of his bike. I got bubble bath and massage oil and
as I was using it on his body last night after we went to the
Up and Down Club his mother called and I passed out. I honestly
don't know how I held on to him last night because I was really
drunk.
I haven't
really been drinking much lately. Not like I did when I was
with Kevin that's for damn sure. Sometimes we will drink wine
but I don't think that really counts. Last night it was Maker's
Mark and coke and then 2 lemon drops. I met a couple when Florent
went to get the bike and we talked for a while outside. They
were here because they were in love with one another. I can
totally see us going out together and having a good time. Ami
and Steve.
She bought
me a beer. I got them high.
I told
Florent when we are pulling 50K a month each that we are going
to have to rent the caraosel downtown for a night and fuck in
each and every booth that we can.
Last night
I really had to pee and fucking Starfucks didn't have a bathroom.
We stopped at the Peckwick Hotel and both went in to use the
rest room and when he came out I was drying my hands, trying
to warm up from the ride down from Diamond Heights.
We started
kissing and he pulled my pants down and undid his fly. There
was no support so we went to the sink and we started fucking
right there. We heard a noise and both got paranoid. I made
him stop and he looked kind of sad so we went into the handicapped
stall.
I put
the lid down on the toilet, had him step through my pants and
we started all over again. I am very limber so my legs were
up on his shoulder blades and ever time he would go in me my
new Angel shoes would thump up against the wall. They are really
cool shoes. They are black with flames going up the side.
He is
the most athletic guy. I had my head dropped behind me so all
I could see was the tile and I couldn't stand that anymore so
I grabbed the handicapped rails and pulled my head up so I could
watch his face. I swear that he is the most beautiful man I
have ever seen especially when I can watch him give us pleasure.
This went
on for a while. When I stationed myself by holding tight against
the bars I could feel him go deeper inside of me. There finally
came a point when I could take it no longer and neither could
he so we stopped. He came out of me and there was blood everywhere.
I love Instead, the alternative to tampons and pads but when
he saw the blood on his dick he was a little freaked. I'm only
the second girl he has ever been with.
He is
sleeping right now. I woke up and took a bath this morning already.
I think I am going to walk down to Safeway and get some coffee
and other shit because I want him to sleep and I will enjoy
the free time to myself. Although I don't know what in the hell
I am going to do when I leave for Ky tomorrow. I feel sick just
thinking about it. To be separated from him for longer than
a day makes my tummy turn. I am sure that I will be very love
sick and almost like one of those obnoxious fem fatales in the
movies without my man.
We stopped
at a restaurant yesterday and he was watching all the babies.
He was talking about how lovely it was to reproduce the other
night and that when you are gay you are missing out on the process
of life. I think it makes people be more resourceful because
they can imagine what life is going to be like beyond child-rearing.
I watched him watch the babies and said "You want one now, don't
you?"
"I am
not ready" Thank God. "I don't even know what kind of uncle
I make yet." I just don't get how he always know the right things
to say. I told him last night that when I took Surrealism from
Dr. Kloner he made me think so hard my brain hurt. I talked
about how when we choose our mate we are in fact choosing a
part of ourselves and that is the projection we have of the
other person. He agreed that I am his and he is mine.
My husband
has a birth mark on his cock. It's red and in the shape of a
diamond which always brings me such delight to see. I love it
that he is uncircumcised too. They are more fun to play with
like that.
I look
back at him now, and watch him sleep for a while. He has full
lips and his hair is billowing around his head down to his shoulders.
He is sooooo sexy. I'm just a little taller than he is. But
you can't tell when he has on his angel shoes. "We are angels"
he always tells me. "You're my angel."
I wish
my mom were alive to witness that there are such kinds of men
on this planet that are romantic and intelligent and perfect
for women like me. If you are stuck in a bad relationship you
should get out because life is too short and there are lots
of little boys to play with out here in the valley.
Monday
November 20, 2000
My Dear
Angel,
I am
thinking of you all the time, dreaming of my paradise. I feel
like my heart runs slower since I left you at the train. It
is like half of my ego has gone. You are half of myself. I can't
breathe any more, you are my adrenaline.
When
you are next to me I have an extraordinary life. Full of sunshines
and sensations. Actually when I think of you I can feel it.
The exaltation reach its paramount when I see you. I become
flower, air and earth. Then I am the world, I am beautiful,
I am you.
This
morning our bedroom seemed empty without you. I could smell
your natural fragrance all over the apartment. I miss the sweet
air of volupty that come out of you and comforts me when you
are next to me.
You
are the best thing that happened to me since I was born. My
heart needed you to become eternal. You are the one who will
make it beat forever. You are my
I miss
your voice, your smile and your hair,
I miss
you my love,
Florent
If that
isn't the sweetest thing anyone has ever written to me I don't
know what. I told Andy tonight that I am married. I didn't know
how he would take it but he announced that I am completely on
my own now.
I asked
him about the fate of my web page and I think he likes it here.
I don't know. I think taking it off his box would be physically
painful. I feel very connected to him and I always will.
Monday
November 27, 2000
I think
Wyoming has to be one of the most beautiful states I have ever
seen from the expressway. There are mountains and rock and snow
and every time Florent and I would go through a pass I would
take a deep breath and marvel at the beauty.
They say
that you can tell how a relationship will go by such kinds of
trips. We weren't too bitchy until we were just so exhausted
that we had to switch practically every hour because the other
one wanted to sleep.
We left
at 3 on Friday. I heard that it takes 2 days. It took us a little
longer because we liked to stop and marvel at certain kinds
of beauty and other times we had to stop to make love.
He backed
me up against the St. Louis Arch and we were about to get busy
in the cold... the steel burned my ass because it was so cold
but then someone came walking by and he couldn't get back in
the mood. I would have loved for that to have happened but there
were too many people.
The day
we got married we talked about doing it in front of city hall
just because we were so happy but I just couldn't bring myself
to be that public.
So...
I brought my husband into my grandparents house and introduce
him "Granny, this is my husband." She flipped a bit, which is
totally understandable. I think everyone thought I was too weird
to find someone like me. Maybe they just didn't understand.
I wasn't the only one involved in this arrangement. His feeling
were just as intense as mine at the time and now they are growing
more and more each day.
The worst
thing about driving for 40 hours is that when we were utterly
exhausted and he protested about getting a hotel room (yeah
we are strapped but who gives a fuck? When you are in love it
seems like everything else is incidental.) but not terribly
because he was asleep.
My body
just couldn't take it and my poor kitty... I am sure he will
be traumatized for life. Kitty seems to be very happy right
now though.
I want
to write a marathon... so much to say but I have to work in
the am and it's late.
Tuesday
November 28, 2000
So... the
trip that I dreaded. I was broke out for weeks from not having
a job and stressing about telling people I got married. I know
to some it seems a bit strange but I am not the only one that
has such strong feelings for the other person. I can't explain
the depths of emotion that have been unlocked to me since he
became a part of my life.
Life is
invariably fluctuating. I am experiencing feelings I never had
but knew existed inside of me. To feel completely loved and
worshiped, it is definitely something I have dreamed about.
I didn't know it would allow me the freedom to feel more confident
and practically insecure about nothing.
I am finding
now that I am fearful of a couple of things. I am fearful of
losing him. I feel like now that I have him in my life and I
feel a sense of stability and a concreteness gelling in our
relationship that I am becoming a more beautiful person.
I start
to wonder if this is all a hoax sometimes. I can't understand
how these feelings naturally flow from my body and respond in
kind to sensations and perceptions that my husband holds for
me. And sometimes I find it hard to believe that we were meant
for each other in so many ways. It feels like a cyclone revolving
around me and enveloping me in its warmth of love and compassion.
He made
a valid point when we were in Kentucky. He did not feel like
everyone welcomed him the same way that he thinks his momma
is going to welcome me. (I honestly don't think that a French
mother is going to be too excited that her son has married an
American woman). His feelings were hurt because my grandmother
was talking about how it was going to be 5 years before she
trusted him and yet in the same breath she is talking about
how you never know what is going to happen tomorrow. Poppa is
sick and not doing well.
I don't
want to seem callous but I can't afford to care about other
people the way I used to care about myself anymore. I feel like
there were many, many reasons why I got married. One of them
is to say to my family that I desire to live my life for myself
and not worry about their problems so much any longer. I can
now be in a cocoon and not have to answer to anybody because
I am married. But Florent allows me the freedom to be myself,
and that is a very healthy thing.
It hurt
me a little too that my family didn't welcome him with open
arms. I understand they were in shock but he brought up the
point that they were all too concerned with their feelings instead
of concentrating on my happiness and being excited for me. The
only ones that were really open to loving him from the bat were
my nephews, and Nate more than Noah. And I must not forget my
friends. They all loved him. ("He's even better than you write
about" ~Susan)
Lesli told
me that when we stopped by on Friday that Nate was more excited
about seeing Florent than me. And I was very proud of Nate because
he could pronounce Florent's name. Later on Florent told me
that he had a lot of passion and he hoped that he kept that
passion through his education. I think as long as my nephews
can come see me and spend a little time with me and understand
that it's OK to be weird that everything will be just fine.
My god
I could write and write and write, but I have been spending
some of most of my free time writing love letters to my husband
and anxiously awaiting his responses.
I thought
driving would be hell but I was floored by the utter beauty
that enveloped Wyoming. I think people that come from that state
must be some of the most beautiful. I was also amazed at how
fucking HUGE Salt Lake City is. I guess since the Mormons condemn
everything else fucking is encouraged and people out there have
gone batty with breeding. I just can't get over how large that
city is. It might be larger than San Francisco even.
Saturday
the 25th was Florent's birthday. We started the day driving
and driving and stopped and enjoyed each other's bodies along
the way. We stopped at the Sierra Trading Post Outlet and I
got a pair of Docs for $17 and he got a new sweater, some hiking
shoes, a shirt and a silk thermal shirt. We kept driving and
driving. We stopped when it got too beautiful to bear.
I can't
get used to hearing so many wonderful things. He tells me these
things straight from his heart that are so beautiful I want
to cry all the time. He makes me stop and wonder about how he
can sense so many beautiful things and say so many beautiful
words. I don't think there is anyone quite like him on earth
except for me.
He led
a very happy life. There is nothing that really gets him down.
He reminds me of Roman in that way but even more pure because
he has never had his heart broken and I never intend on doing
that to him. To break his heart would be like breaking my own,
and I just couldn't bear to feel the hurt from something like
that.
I got lost
the other day when we arrived in San Francisco and I pulled
up behind him and he said "where were you? Cheating on me?"
"I could
never cheat on you." I responded. I can't. I have no desire
for anyone else. I feel like this fragile world that we share
with one another is the most sacred kind of world two people
can share and how can I explain to him that before him, sex
was starting to feel kind of empty. Before him, I was feeling
used.
He said
before we got married that I could have other lovers. I don't
know if that's what he wanted to say so we both felt better
about it or if he was saying it as a test. I know that I am
only the second woman he has slept with and that maybe some
day I might have to deal with the fact that we both want other
lovers. I don't think I could deny him to feel any kind of pleasure
but at the same time I know that he could never get from other
women the kind of pleasure he receives from me. And I also know
that I could never get the kind of pleasure I receive from my
husband from any other man.
I feel
like crying right now because I feel so special and so very
much loved.
We didn't
have a witness for our wedding. The Justice of the peace pulled
a lady out of some office and she was willing to witness our
wedding. Her name is Susan Blackwell, and her site is http://blackwellsf.com
.
I wanted
to chat with her about doing a photo ad campaign. I got so very
lost and wrote the wrong address down for her. I mis placed
my cell so I couldn't call her. I was frustrated so I drove
back to the gas station on Castro to look her up in the phone
book and there was my husband, getting gas. I know it was meant
to be between us. I feel him like I feel myself and vice versa.
He called her so he had her number programmed on his phone so
I could call her and I went and hung out with her for 2 hours.
If you
ever have a doubt that two people weren't meant to be I will
be able to give you more and more examples... he was born on
Joe DiMaggio's birthday and I on Marilyn Monroe's.
So much
to write and not enough time... more on my wonderful, supportive
friends later.
Wednesday
November 29, 2000
I am so
happy right now I want to cry. What did I do to deserve such
happiness? It makes me very sad that I can't just enjoy being
happy. I have this gnawing feeling... maybe a reminder of how
deeply depressed I have felt in the past. I don't know. Maybe
I am just overwhelmed with everything going on with me right
now that I don't have the time to process it all.
I feel
therefore I am. Just a big ball of emotions. Sometimes I get
scared of the silliest things.
Maybe
it just has to do with the weather. It's very ugly outside.
I woke up to the sound of rain beating on the windows. I went
to the bathroom and peed. I came back and cuddled up to my husband's
naked body.
I put
my hand around him, gotta love that morning wood. I love the
way his sex feels in my hand, so soft and so hard at the same
time. I laid there and was content being like that until he
woke up and gently crawled on top of me.
He is
so tender and so sweet. When he makes love to me I can feel
just exactly how he loves me. I don't think he has a harsh bone
in his body, or if he does I have never seen it. That transpires
into the way he makes love. Very gently, very sweetly, very
French. It's such a contrast to everything I have known before
in my life and in many ways I feel guilty for letting anyone
else on top of me but him.
I am looking
at him now, admiring his naked body. He is putting on his clothes
to go to work. His hair looks great right now and I guess that's
because he hasn't been riding his bike this week.
I must
kiss on him... brb.
So...
my friends. I have some of the best friend in the world if you
can imagine. I think when you are a kind and decent person that
you attract such kinds of people.
Florent
got to meet Matt and Susan, Joe, Jenna, Jacinta and Mili and
Grisha and his wife, Julia. Julia was a French teacher in Russia
so she was loving being able to practice her French with him
and I am sure he was delighted to speak with her.
We hooked
up with them several times. He told Julia that he has a real
wedding band for me in France. I need more practice in Russian.
They were
all gracious to him. When he was upset that my family wasn't
warm with him I looked at him and said "Yes, but all my friends
love you."
Thursday
November 30, 2000
Let me
just tell you how much I hate being on the pill.
I have
to go to planned parenthood or something tomorrow because I
can't stand the way my emotions are going.
We are
so broke right now. It really fucking sucks. I have fucked up
my credit because I haven't paid my bills for the past two months
but I knew I would never find a job in Louisville. When we met
neither one of us had a job and the Friday after we were married
we were both hired.
Payday
for me is next week.
Cie la
vie.
I don't
think I am going to get a good foot in the door with Evolve.
I don't want to be pigeon holed into a developer's position
and they just hired a new designer. She doesn't know Flash.
I got
an e-mail from my boss the other day and he told me that I should
look into getting my Microsoft certification and that just made
me shudder. "It will help your career." Fuck that... I finally
was so sick from the thought that I wrote him back and told
him that I would rather concentrate on designing that I was
a designer and none of this Microsoft bullshit...
I am sorry
because I know some of you out there are Microsoft people but
I don't believe in the philosophy of Bill Gates and I know there
are better solutions than working on a server that is Microsoft
built. I like that I am working actively on Andy's server right
at the moment.
I love
Unix and Linux. There are a lot of things I love about different
kinds of operating systems but I don't care for Microsoft much.
So I am
looking for a new job out there.
