OUCH
OUCH OUCH!!! That really fucking hurt!
I do nothing right now but eat, sleep and shit. I am lucky that I have my wits about me... somewhat.
Last night I went to see Buzzy. She just gotten home from the trip from hell going to the cess pool of Denver. It's so ugly up there. I remember when we drove through it 2 years ago. I hated it. It was dirty and nasty and the only thing pretty about Colorado was the snow and being near Aspen. I know why they like it there more.
I lost my keys and they were in the door in the back.
"I think they forgot to put something back in!" I
told Buzzy leaving at 9 pm.
So Josh came by the other day which was a very nice visit. I hooked him up
with my sister and I think they are going to hit it off. I am sure he would
be willing to move for her... maybe.
I can see the babies and the loving and the wedding and the whole she-bang.
It would be nice if our daddy would do something about it ha ha ha.
I need to start exercising but I can't. Richard rolfed me yesterday. I have a rash from my head to my toes. I don't know what caused it but the Benedryl isn't doing anything about it. Or I should say the generic version. I have to go back to the pharmacy where I got it and return that shit. I am not happy with it.
"Baby,
do you know what $35 is? A tank of gas."
I feel like I am still wading through the fallout of my life. All the post-nuclear waste just piling up in front of my eyes.
"Wow!
Do you want to know what your bill is?"
"It can wait until I meet with you." I
reply. There is no fucking way... bankruptcy here I come.
Then I think about the amount I owe in total and think if I just work hard enough then... then I can dig myself out of this HELL but I know that's not possible unless I sell my diary.
That's my #1 dream right now. To sell my story. I dream about it every waking moment, which is few and far between. I wake up around 8:30 and am awake, on a good day until 3. Typically I fall asleep around 11 and sleep at least 3 hours.
I check my e-mail in the am since we are only on dial-up at this time in our lives. The dude that is going to set up our T1 connection is coming today and I am excited about that.
Eat, sleep, shit. Shit, sleep, eat. Sleep, shit, eat. This is the cycle of
my life after brain surgery and having meningitis. I fucking hated that slimy
feeling of death crawling around my mengenes. I wish I knew what caused this
allergic reaction to make me have this nasty rash.
There is so much... I have wanted to write and write and write but I can't.
I am going to update my sites...
Sunday March 2, 2003
After a wonderful night of sitting waiting in the hospital because of the rash over taking my body I have come to appreciate several things. I appreciate Josh for one thing. I appreciate that he has a new car, a Mercedes, that daddy sent. I love his daddy. I can't wait to meet him.
I gained an appreciation for blow jobs and how they make Florent shut the
fuck up after an exhausting day on the slopes snow boarding all day and then
taking me to the hospital. I wish I had known earlier it would have shut him
up faster so I didn't have to hear him bitch about living in the hospital for
the last few weeks.
It was
a sucky decision to make but I had to make it because I
am covered from head to toe, literally, in a rash caused
by
something I had ingested. Big sigh of relief and much happiness
when they didn't admit me. I even got to fuck around with
Dr. Wong and Joy to the World. "There's nothing like telling
your nurse to shoot you up especially with morphine."
Dr. Wong, "I
can give you an IV to inject the Benedryl."
"Fuck
that!"
"OK THEN IM." Pause for dummy to not know what IM is. "In
your muscles."
"GREAT!"
"Jehovah is your god put your trust in Jehovah!!!" A
mental patient exclaims as her gurney is escorted by 6
of the meanest boys in brown LA has to offer.
Why they were not wearing blue beats the hell out of me. Sheriff's Dept?
Anne and Josh are hitting it off. :) She is coming out here to check on me at the end of the month as well as meet her new beau. I'm all making wedding plans and dreaming of babies that Anne and I get to have together, cross country trips until this mess settles down and Florent and Josh being related brothers.
I am
almost back to my usual self except for the forgetting
of keys in locks "Everybody's done that!" Thanks Buz (WHEW)
and the occasional switching of dog or cat or left and
right.
Lying in bed after the blow job that made him so happy he fell fast asleep and listening to his breaths has allowed me the opportunity to think of more damaging things I would like to do with my mind such as change the world so that no other little boy or girl has to suffer with an arachnoid cyst the way I have had to. It's too painful and completely unnecessary. How I am going to launch my plan of attack. Moving back to Kentucky when naturally everything I want or desire is located right here in Los Angeles.
The hope that lies deep in my heart about having the arachnoid cyst foundation for research and treatments located at Harbor UCLA is perhaps a dream I can still undergo remotely.
Virginia, who works for NRDC, came by tonight to take Rita to the movies. They went and saw The Hours.
She told me about the classes they have to offer at UCLA on how to become a grant writer although I think that I already feel it in my veins.
Then there is the flip flop... go back to school and get my PhD or my JD? Or fuck it all and go for my MFA?
So many decisions to make. It's almost 4. I have been awake since 9 am and
yet my mind is waking up from the practical month sabbatical it had dripping
in morphine.
The metal in my head is my newest ailment. I wish they hadn't put that shit in there because I can feel it rubbing up against my optic nerve and weighing on the sides of my ears making a triangle halo of new sensations I detest and can not describe.
I can't wait for these fucking stitches to come the fuck out of my back so
I can start swimming again. I long to feel the water caress my body back into
shape.
Jen came by and we chatted for a while. I guess she has come to the conclusion that she can't throw me out as easily as she would like and nor do I have the desire to do that to her. It's not easy making life long friends, as Miss Buzzy has attested to me, and as I pointed out to her you never truly know your friends (because one of her best friends in the world became a lesbian after she left her husband).
Things are, as usual, things and life is a constant source of my amusement. Trying to figure out ways that I can wound my way into history is not such an easy task to undertake. There are so many different things I would like to do and so many things that I want to do that I know only a few things for a fact.
- I will always be a photographer and web designer
- I will forever be bonded with Russia
- I have got to do something others living with Arachnoid Cysts
- I want to be happy for the rest of my life
I think that these things are what I know that will propel me into the future. Now that I feel like I have a future I need to start thinking about what I would like to accomplish in the next 5 years. Have a baby or 2. Publish my diary. Set up a research facility to care and follow people living with Arachnoid Cysts and do studies on which is better for people, P32 or start off with surgical intervention. Ouch... that's going to be painful because there is going to have to be test groups and since I have been one of the tests I don't know what to think about the others... long term effects of radiation on children and how necessary it is.
This disease ain't going nowhere and I have a feeling as time progresses
it's only going to get worse so that we are not 1% of all Intracranial masses
but end up being 10% by the time I die, which Jonathan promised I would live
to be 100.
Anne coming down... Rolfing, Getty, horse back riding, lying in the sun and enjoying the Jacuzzi.
Slowly... food needs to be introduced back into my system slowly like the way Granny did when she had her allergic reaction to every food and had to start at 0.
Jen commented on my figure. I told her how I couldn't get over how puffy I no longer am. I also told her that I felt like for the first time my thoughts were my own and that I was looking through my life as if I had tunnel vision. All of a sudden I step into this life where a lot of things have happened. The last 6 years I surmise have been clogged beyond a doubt. All the calls for help were ignored until the day Florent kindly looked at me and told me I was possessed.
We have been healing our relationship. It's very nice to come from a loving place and basically be getting it all back together again. It's not easy... There is a ton of shit we have to work through because so much of it has been buried under my tunnel vision.
Josh let on that Tanya never respected him. How fucking bizarre is it to
think that all the stories Jacinta told me about him and he would one day become
one of the closest friends I have ever had? I mean to sit and wait in the hospital
with us was above and beyond the call of duty.
I told him that waiting there was watching the dregs of humanity. I think
he must have thought it a joke. There was this one fucking bum... my god. We
couldn't help but laugh at the poor bastard.
One woman started bitching at him to cover his fucking mouth when he was coughing and I just couldn't quit laughing. She kept on him... this poor wretch...
Josh
looked over at me and said "I mean come on... all you have to do is look at this dude and you know what the fuck is wrong with him 'I'm missing an eye!' " and
he coughed and he smelled bad enough for my fledgling sense
of smell to back me up in to the recesses of my mind.
He kept
me well entertained. Florent was so happy to be back in
the snow. "Baby it's been 3 years since I have eaten snow!" This
coming from the alpine skier.
And those
fuckers were ready to hop on a plane and head for Vegas
last night. I wanted to wring their necks. "Why don't you throw some fucking money my way!" Shit...
I don't care how fucking Glam Vegas is... what a fucking
waste.
I should bite my tongue because Zack and Co. will be there at the end of this month which I am totally hyped on.
Life is life... and I never forgot that as I was waiting in the hospital
room. You get out of life what you put into it and it was made more abundantly
clear to me today waiting with the dregs. I went up to the 6th floor to see
my girls. I showed Zinny my ring and she just cooed over it. Jonathan was there
and calmed me into a nice place by telling me they would send me home while
Heidi told me they might keep me.
The verdict was food. Something I ate so back to square one and no supplements.
I do not want to fantasize about the screaming Jehovah woman getting her shot
of thorzine into a calmer fucked up mind. I do not want to smell the rotting
flesh of human waste that no longer cares about their bodies or how they present
themselves to the world.
Benedryl in a shot form is supposed to make you sleep and it's already 4:30 am and my fingers are relentless tonight, making up for lost time and a forced peace.
Richard pulled me back into my body the other day. It was such a relief to
feel the tingles of my frightened nerves pop back into their place as well
as feel myself fill my body out. Thinking of Geena Davis saying to Samuel Jackson
in the Long Kiss Goodnight, "Did you see what she did to my ass?" after
recovering from amnesia. Did you see what this bitch did to my body?
It's so very, very strange to think clearly for a change. You can't imagine what kind of hell it's been. Reading it is one thing but experiencing it is something totally different.
My thoughts
chase back to my poor grandmother and how she suffers without
her mate. The pain of being a widow... I hope I never know
it. "You try spending 58 years of your life with one person. We outlived a child..." I
know Granny. She was yours... but she was my mother. You
had her for 52 years and I but only 25 but those were the
best years I could ever hope to know my own mother.
Shit... Mommy... All of a sudden I am more important than Mommy. The grieving has subsided so it's not this bottomless pit wearing away at my soul.
9-9 is 12 hours... 9-12 is 3 more for 15 and 4 more is 19 hours. It feels so good to be awake. I know I am going to pay for every second of it but I feel that lying around for the last 3 weeks has quantified this massive attack of ego tonight.
I hate my life right now. I don't want to be with this loser anymore.
Last night we had the worst fight of our relationshit. I told him that I was going to have photos done of me the day before I had brain surgery. He didn't fucking listen to me. I thought it would be nice to have them but he didn't care. Now I am a slut. That and we were watching 8 Women last night and one of the women said that if all women killed their husbands because of their lovers then there wouldn't be any husbands left and I laughed.
The fight escalated. I said things I shouldn't have said and he wouldn't shut the fuck up. I am sick of being his bitch. I am sick of him putting the responsibility of the relationshit on my shoulders. I am sick of fucking TAKING CARE OF HIM.
"It takes two to tango" Josh told me the other day, an echo of my father's
voice rang through my ears. It might take two to tango but if one partner has
no rhythm then you aren't really dancing.
My heart is breaking. I am a slut for only having my photos taken. His slut.
Buzzy is pissed at me because I didn't make it to her place the other day.
Fuck everybody and everything. I am so fucking fed up with all this bullshit I could scream. I go back to my fantasies of being a war time photographer. That's the fastest way to be killed you know. One shot in the back of the head. It's typically a man but I wonder if they would make an exception for a woman with a fat fucking mouth that never shuts the fuck up.
Knowing my luck I would survive.
Am I supposed to be the slut to make up to him? I don't think so.
What do I want in a man? Do I even want to bother with one anymore? I think I need some me time. I need to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life. Am I already doing it? How can I make the greatest impact?
Is there anything right in the world? Is nothing right in this world? My life is a maze now. I'm trying to walk through a labrynth I made while I couldn't think straight. I've made mistakes I know I would never make now. I have trusted people that I knew I should have never of trusted. I've given my heart too easily.
I have woken up to become a very cold woman. I have changed. I do not value the things I should have valued. I threw away my life for that glimpse at Venus. I thought giving my heart to someone was the highest form of love but found out in fact it's purely hedonistic.
Tortured sleepless nights lead to long bankrupt days and the tears are stuck in my eyes not willing to shed themselves free from their home. What have I done to myself? What have I done to my life? How many people have I hurt?
I look at my life as if it was the aftermath of nuclear fallout. There is radiation everywhere and touching anything burns. I feel like I am crawling out of the muck for the first time in my life and it's painful to breathe the air around me as it pierces my lungs and my heart.
I can go home. I can go back to Kentucky and sleep in Andy's arms once again. I can learn how to rebuild my life again... that's not the problem but the sludge that is part of the nuclear waste is like a mud-slide in Malibu after a torrential rain.
I should go out now. I should swim. I should let my tears fall in water so no one can recognize the fact that I am crying and becoming cold, hard and bitter. So very, very bitter. Perhaps I can lie my head on the pillow and sleep away some of the pain.
"Consider the source" as Jim, My "dad" tells me after I learn he is paying
another photographer $800 to shoot his wedding.
"I could fly to Memphis for $200. I could use the $600." It doesn't fly. He
has committed to this other person. Daughter my ass. Don't call me daughter.
I learned my lesson Momma. Don't show him my tears. That's what you taught me. He gets off on watching them stream down my cheeks. The cheeks Anne loves to kiss. He's gone now. Away from me. It's safe to cry now. And weep I do. I deserve to be treated better than this. I need to get my life back in order.
Laundry needs to be done. I am sure today people are up and working on their laundry already. I feel sick to my stomach. I wish I had never allowed myself to love such a nightmare.
Sunday March 9, 2003
I, once again, feel the betrayal of my actions. I do not know how a married woman is supposed to act. I thought that I would have the same rights and freedoms that were part of my madianhood however I am swiftly finding out that is not the case. Being told on several occasions that's not how a married woman is supposed to act really unnerves me to no end.
We were to go to Hollywood last night to a bar. After spending time with Buzzy and hearing some of her finer ideas on life and drinking and being merry I wasn't particularly in the mood to go out. I came home by 9.
We got into the car with a sliver of gas and he drove.
"Do you know where you
are going?"
"Yes."
Shut my eyes. I'm not playing any longer. I will get what I want or I won't put up with it.
He drives. He stops at
a stop light and tries to steal a kiss in which he is rebuffed. "Can I have a kiss?" No
bath, no kiss. He is a sight. Long fingernails, unshaven, not clean. This
is normal for him and I told him the other day I would no longer share in
my affections if he was distasteful to me.
"Noooooooo. When you deserve one." Fighting
lasting through the afternoon. He sulks non stop. I can't tolerate it. It
makes me more angry.
The car starts inching
back home. "Where are we going?" repeat 3 times.
"home"
I say nothing and fall into bed. He sleeps on the floor and I sleep on the blow up mattress. I am awakened by the shuffling of Rita's feet early this am.
"Come on baby, it's time to do the laundry." Consistency
is what he craves yet he lacks the discipline to follow through. It starts
with the laundry. I vacuum as he gives a lesson to Elsa. Clean clean clean.
Lonny calls to invite us to sail.
The clothes are folded and put away. Finally I rest and realize it's not one pm and a Vicodan is in order to continue to move my body. It's going to be a hell of a day.
I just can't deal with being clingy and needy. Especially when someone doesn't follow the #1 rule. My heart has hardened from the other day and I decided that I am going to enjoy my time.
I chatted with Harley and Britt the other day. They are going through a similar patch in their relationship. I tell her to just breath. It's just a patch.
Something rattling thru my skull about how relationships don't always evolve... and some do. I wish I could be more stable. I miss the red fright between my legs as my belly swells to epic proportions and refused to lay its ova. Triggers from the pituitary gland are slow, angry from the recent assault. I take another pill around 6. It's so beautiful to sit on the boat and watch the world go by. It's 10 and my eyes are heavy with desires for rest.
The Jacuzzi... how wonderful.
Monday March 10, 2003
Moving right along... An interview tomorrow and one might be on Saturday. The one tomorrow is for Ipowerweb.com and the one on Saturday will be to be a nanny for 2 kids.
Do I wanna spend my summer with 2 kids on the beach or trapped in an office. Being a live in Nanny so that means I will have my own fucking bedroom. Sounds delightful. I will have to get my California Driver's License. Having a place to live and getting paid for it. I think that's probably the job I would like to do. They provide the car too. That means they pay the insurance. That means I can have my own space. That means HE can get his own shit together and I won't have to be his mommy.
After doing the shit I had to do yesterday and then realizing that I didn't have any energy today really sucked. I know it's mostly nerve damage. I can tell that one day I am going to be hunched over in a wheel chair but there is still enough time down the future to deal with that.
So... I hope to have some good things come my way now. It's about time. It has to happen. This job is going to have to offer amazing benefits in order for me to pass up having my own car to drive, $800 a week and hopefully an amazing family to work for. I can deal with 2 boys that have some problems with school. I had problems so I just have to make an outline of how I think we should spend the summer before I go into that interview.
Thursday March 13, 2003
So... I have an interview
on Saturday to be a nanny. I am so fucking excited. It's with a woman from
Kentucky and we were talking and she asked me about my trips to Russia and
I told her that my g-g-g-g-grandfather was Minister to Russia under Abe Lincoln. "He was chilling with Abe." Come
to find out that she named her eldest after my fam.
privilege has it's advantages... sometimes. So it means something to her that I come from this family. That and 50 cents might buy you a cup of coffee but not in LA.
I am making bribe cookies in hopes of winning her 2 sons affection. I know I am evil but hey... If there is one lesson I have learned with kids is that bribery gets you everywhere.
I want this job so much. I feel like momma is on my shoulder. Keep cool. Chill it will all work out. I hope to god that it does because hey, I'll have a place to live, the money is great, the work will be fun and it's for a superstar, at least in my eyes. I knew there was a Kentucky Mafia out here and I knew if I could penetrate it... wink wink nudge nudge. If I get it I am going to quit writing my diary for respect and start writing those fucking books in my head that are dying to get out.
She asked me on the phone what I was doing here. Well it seemed the logical place to be. I guess she thought I came out here to act or something to that delusion but no dice. I can't wait to tell her of my stand up experiences.
It's all about the boys. I told her that I still have a relationship with Ian, the little boy I used to babysit when I was a teenager. I was thinking about that... how life runs through cycles. Last time I had brain surgery I was babysitting and it would be nice to have these boys get me straight. I can help them with so many things.
I hope they like my cookies. They are so delicious. Rita is gone today in Santa Monica or else I know there would be none left for my interview. This has put me in the stratosphere as far as moods go. It's nice to be famous in a way that only a Kentuckian can appreciate.
Josh was telling me how
his cousin's new bride was in a league of her own and that she was in a different
class than "us". I just smiled at him. She's not a blue blood and even that
carries more respect out here than having money. Being born into money does
not automatically give you say the privileges of being born into class or
the American Princess class. There are not many of those around.
So I ma waiting for Florent to get his ass home. Rita if fucking gone for the day and she has been desperately been getting on my nerves in a HUGE way. We went to Richard's last night and I was going to take the bus home but she invited herself. It just so happened that Josh was here and could take us to his place but I could not get in touch with Florent and Rita was being a big fucking baby and wanted to go home. She was crying at the bottom of the driveway because she couldn't wait 15 fucking minutes. She got hungry, I know that's what happened and once she is hungry you better stand the fuck back. I have no idea how much she weighs now but 300 would not be a far off guess.
That's why I am glad she is not here now so that all my fucking cookies don't get gobbled up before I have a chance to present them to my hopeful new employers. She started crying and fussing at me because Florent wasn't there to pick us right up. I really wanted to smack her.
"Sometimes you treat
me like a kid!"
"Sometimes you act like one!" I
answered against my better judgment.
"Well.. can't you just ignore it?" Um...
no. If someone acts like a child I treat them like a child. That's my natural
instinct. She has been very ill the last week. It makes me sad because I
know it's from a lack of HGH. She woke up me up puking this morning.
Friday March 14, 2003
HOLY FUCK.
Rita kicked us out. We have to leave by Sunday. I am in shock. She said this morning she just wanted one of us to live there and I told her that I might have another place by Saturday and so she basically doesn't want Florent living with her. I am in utter dismay.
I guess we could move in with Richard. I guess. I don't know. I guess I will have to talk to him about it. I can work on things. I don't mind. I am in total shock. It came from no where but I guess the stress from not having a ride the other day was too much on her.
Breathe... breathe... breathe... I wanted to start crying. I finally got my period and it hurt so much that I had to take a Vicodan. I have to get this job now. It has to happen. If I don't get this job I think my fragile little world will fall apart. I won't know what to do then.
Smack Smack Smack. My cunt hurts. My mind is on fire. I can't believe what's going on. I have got to finish filling out my SSI forms.
Since I am waiting for my ORSA I decided that I would type up all the info
that was missed while I was in ICU.
It's all current now.
We can move in with Richard. His room mate just moved out and I haven't had
a bedroom in over a year.
Sunday
March 16, 2003
Today is one of the happiest days of my life. I finally have my own bedroom. I haven't had one since we fled Buddy's a year ago. Today is Richard's Birthday.
"Well you are charming." She
said to me. The smell of the flowers that linger in the tendrils of my
mind. The emotion I felt as I pulled up to the house to see it was a Tudor.
This is me. This is my job. She loves it that I am a Clay. A real one.
The house is more fabulous than you could imagine.
When the children shook
my hand I said "Very nice to meet you" and they replied "Very nice to meet you." She
named her eldest son Clay after my family. He's away at school.
We hit it off. I could tell the job was mine as soon as she took time from the other woman's interview in order to get me a coke. They were out so a diet coke sufficed. I have never wanted anything so bad in my life. My own apartment behind the manicured lawn. My own car... I bet it's a Mercedes.
She loved that I was from Kentucky. Same values. She loved that I have so much computer experience to help her middle son. I have to have this job. It's mine. I can organize their life. I could tell how the interview went before me that she would take me. She didn't talk to the other girl like she did me and as Buzzy said there aren't that many white girls floating around willing to work.
Her husband did not seem to be the one making the decision so much. He said a friend of his was staying at the Avalon and then 10 minutes later asked her where he was staying and I told him the Avalon. He's a director and they need me for the summer to go with them to Canada. She is Annie Potts. Fantastically gorgeous, amazingly kind and when I left she looked like a fairy.
Tuesday March 18, 2003
Anne will be here on Monday. She really pissed me off today telling me I am not to do drugs while she is here.
I mean how fucking rude. I am not going into her environment telling her what the fuck to do with her life. She is coming into MINE. I guess that's how Rita must have felt the last couple of weeks with her acting like a big fucking baby and not doing the right thing.
So I am once again reminded what a difference a day makes. Not being awakened in the middle of the night because Rita is screaming is a wondrous event. I think I will be able to heal a lot faster now. Not listening to her scrounge around the kitchen at 3 am, getting a great nights sleep. My fucking God.
Having my own bed. I took a nap yesterday and it was nice to be under the big poof of pillows and feel the comfort of a restful nap.
Slowly, Slowly... it's all coming together. I knew my life would be in order once I had brain surgery but I didn't think it would be THIS fast.
So far Richard is an amazing room mate. I am very happy with everything that is going on. I am working on his web site and tweaking it. I have to add a Pay Pal shopping car today. I could even apply for a job out in Nebraska.
I am freaking out about the war. Being young and watching it on TV is a lot different than seeing images of the last 20-50 years and understanding just exactly war is means something totally different. Buzzy is picking up on the bad vibes and is not happy and now I finally know what she means by being more sensitive to those kinds of things.
Marie called me from France the other day. She told me some stupid cunt wants to spend 3 million dollars on bringing all the bodies of the American soldiers back here. I wanted to scream.
She was also concerned about the US relations and is dying for me to come to her new apartment. I can't wait. She is painting it and her parents are visiting her. I am missing my mommy a lot these days. I was chatting with Sue and she told me how her mommy bought her gas the other day and I wanted to cry. I am so happy for her because she has that but in a way I am totally envious that I don't. I am sure my mommy would help me out of this shit because it feels like no one else can or no one else wants to bother.
Zack is going to be in Vegas this week so he's going to do that. I don't think I could watch these people gamble away mini fortunes right now. It would be so awful. I would hate it. Buzzy drove through Vegas on her way to Denver and was totally aghast. She couldn't believe how ugly it was.
Mare sent me these
songs by Tatu. I should upload some of them so you can hear them. Some
of them are in Russian but my favorite thing right now is "All the things she said".
I can hear their cute little Russian accents.
So I am breathing. It's not easy because I get so freaked out so easy but hey... that's life. I put my camera up for sale yesterday. I don't really want to sell it but I feel like right now I don't have a choice.
Wednesday March 19, 2003
The "War" started today
and I found out last night I did not get the job working for Annie Potts
because I don't have a penis. Life is so unfair. Mare was telling me how
she really thought women were getting a leg up in the world but I told
her no dice.
We are going to set all these women free in Iraq only to have their ancient ideals live and breath in some of the more ignorant fanatical minds. $1000 for a cab ride out of Baghdad.
Last night I had it.
I want things to really work out but he couldn't find where Josh lived
so I was there until 2 am. I was not happy. 2 more voice overs for Hustler
and I finally got to hear myself on "Super fuckers #18" as if anyone really
watches for the voice overs.
I had an interview with a place that is looking for Russian speakers to work in a law firm. I really hope I get that job although I know I am still not ready to work a full time job. My body hasn't healed. Well once I am working and making my half of the rent then I can put all my web work back into Rolfing sessions.
Instead I had something wonderful happen. I have been going to Fromex for a while now trying to get a job because it's a photo lab and I have a ton of undeveloped film. I finally got a call from Dennis, the owner, and he has a part time job for me I believe. I am so excited!!! This way I can print up a number of my photos.
And as long as I am only working part time I can still get SSI.
I was sad all day for not getting that job and mad because Florent was right yesterday when he was being a sexist pig and said that he should have applied for the job because they wanted a male. I hate him for being right. It makes me sad.
Then I met the most amazing woman tonight. Her name is Norie Huddle. She is one of Richard's friends and she is in from West Virginia. She has been moving a glacier to get here but it melted before she left.
She came in the door and immediately started speaking Russian to me. She speaks 5 other languages. She spent a lot of time in the USSR and we have been swapping stories all night. It's such an honor to meet someone like her. She was very relaxed and thanked us for allowing her the freedom to be herself and not feel like she had to watch what she said.
She has a site, The Best Game and she is the author of several books. She has agreed to read my diary in hopes of getting it published. I told her all about what's been going on in my life and she has been the most amazing person. I can tell her visit here is going to greatly impact me.
That site is one of great importance because she reflects beliefs I hold true to my heart. So... I am hoping good things come from this. Richard's site is looking good although I already want to redesign it.
I am sure that she will help me heal this wound...
Thursday March 20, 2003
The exercise started
off with "infinite voices" that we all tap into. Norie listened to me until
the strongest of the voices came out. It was the achiever. I was sitting
across from her being Catherine when she told me that the voice that was
the strongest had to come out.
She told me to change
my seating to leave Catherine there and then let the voice come out to
talk. "I'm the one that saved her life. I'm the one that pushed her to have brain surgery." I
went on and on about who I was and what I was doing and she questioned
me and my thoughts in how I was handling these situations.
That sometimes I needed to let Catherine be herself and fuck her husband and smoke pot and just let her be herself. It came out about the fear.
Then she had me return to Catherine and I sat there for a while and just started to wail. All the pain and suffering just came out. IT started with the achiever and it all came out. We were disturbed so I didn't get the chance to really wail but it was safe for me to wail. I could miss my mommy. I could cry for the trauma that my body has under gone. I could cry for feeling rejected. I could cry for feeling abused.
The pleaser came into action but was not addressed very much.
Then the storyteller came out. The tales that were told sometimes even if they hurt me. That the truth is not always such a rosy picture.
Love and energy. We talked about being psychic. We talked about so many things that I am empty tonight.
We were late for the condom study. I called to tell the girl we would be late. She said if it were past 8 she wouldn't wait but I kept calling her. She was Jon Jory's daughter, Jessica from Louisville.
He supported me when they censored my work. I could not get over that she was sitting in front of me because that is the second or I should say third person I have met from Kentucky this week.
Monday I asked a girl that was jogging in to Hustler if she would let me use her phone. It was Jill. Tiney Tiny 16 year old Jill from Kentucky was now a woman. Her first job was at Village 8 and we worked together. She is now a woman. We chit chatted. Little Jill... There is some kind of shift going on and maybe I am creating my own Kentucky Mafia.
Such a small world. I could have shit. I am still shitting. To go for years without seeing ANYONE and then all of a sudden being smacked by one person I worked with 10 years ago and another of a daughter whose father used to run Actor's Theater and supported me during one of the hardest times of my life. It was almost too much to bear.
She pulled the fake cock out of the bin and showed us how to put the condom on, blushing.
Maybe... it's going to be ok. I was freaking out yesterday. A lot. It was not fun and I just wanted to go home. Andy said he would help me out.
I went to Buzzy's today and told her. She was unhappy about it but understands. We chit chatted about me staying here but I don't know if it would work out. I was thinking about going back home and then going back to school. Getting my teacher's degree or something but Norie told me she didn't get her Master's because she would rather be out there accomplishing things.
This week is changing my life.
It's nice to have permission to feel all the pain and anguish that I have been. Maybe it will be all fall into place.
Tuesday March
25, 2003
Anne is here. Things seem so much easier now. There was a big blow out between Anne and Doug the other day that wasn't pretty. I was a little nervous about her coming out here for so many reasons.
Now that she is here there are so many funny stories. I got up and Karokeed "I've Got Big Balls" but only after she got up to do things. I think we might finally be sisters. We are getting along so wonderfully. Of coarse Josh being there for her has really meant a lot. It's meant a lot for me too.
Norie left with the wind today and I didn't even get to kiss her good bye.
As I get stronger and stronger I realize how much my relationshit is lacking. I have grown and changed so much in the last month that it scares me. Things I have put up for years I am finally starting to get over. I am happy Anne and Josh are getting along. It's such a relief because I want her to have the best of everything and I am sick of her having bad relationships.
I go back and forth on my own, racing through the extremes on a daily basis. But I do believe nothing could spoil my mood right now. I am so happy she is here. I wish she were near me all the time. We could go out and Karoke and do all kinds of things.
We spent the day at the Getty. Even Josh had never been. He said how it reminded him of the museum in Jerusalem, all open and airy. We went and saw the Man Ray exhibit with my new idol, Lee Miller. I have got to get more information on her. She is the kind of photographer I can admire. She got a press pass and went in after WW II and photographed the atrocities and did naughty things like take her photo in Hitler's bathtub. You know if her were alive today that shit would be eaten up on Ebay in an auction. That would do it for me. Put these fuckers that hurt of kill someone like that clown bastard and send the money to their families or hey how about a new prison where the prisoners PAY for the crimes they have committed literally.
It was something else. I made Anne smile in some of these photos. I know she wants to go to ride tomorrow but I have an interview with http://www.reisfoundation.org/ in the morning and I am pretty tired from walking around, Karokeeing (did she really have to sing Grandpa :(~~~~ but damn can she sing Proud Mary and We are Family), fucking, and eating out.
It's so nice to have real sex again. I had almost forgot what it felt like. Having a bed really changes your life but I still don't know what to think especially when I have to fucking bitch about cleaning the god damn water off the floor in the morning and telling him "You want to know when I do leave you it's over shit like this that I can't fucking stand!"
Then he has to explain to me why he didn't do it that way that he wasn't through bullshit bullshit yada yada yada. I am sure I would feel this deep level of frustration with just about anyone but somehow it's natural to have all the shit I have hated him for the last year to start surfacing now because I never felt like I had a place of power to wage from before.
It's not easy waking up and realizing all the things that I do, mistakes that I make and chances I will never take...
Shit happens and life goes on but now I have my sister here with me and life ain't so bad.
Friday
March 28, 2003
I've got a job!!!
It's a miracle! It's a miracle!
I can't finally fucking believe it. I hope that it's great. I am going to
be lifting though and I am not happy about that but at least... I have a job.
I have another interview on Tuesday as well.
