Tuesday
June 5, 2001
I am sopping
wet and Florent hasn't even touched me. Standing on the street
corner that's the first difference I notice. I am very glad
I wore underware on my first little excursion here. I don't
like to unless I am on my period. But it's hot as fuck here.
The humidity is strong enough to make me wetter without physical
contact.
Chinatown
magnified by 100. I am the only blonde walking the streets.
One woman's hand hovers over my skin as we sit and eat "French
toast" for breakfast on the city street. She doesn't touch me
physically but I wouldn't have minded because that's the kind
of person I am.
Naturally
nothing fits. I always kid that Esprit was made for Asian women.
No one here is as big or as tall as me. I tower over my bosses.
I tower over my co-workers. Their English is hard for me to
ascertain. Two engineers from India. I am sure they would die
to know how much they would be worth in America.
Exhausted
I can't move. 13 hours on the plane, Sweet November, Billy
something and another movie I can't remember entertain me
the second half. The first half I slept through the stupid family
movies. Florent loved them. I cry when Billy goes to his momma's
grave. I cry when he is the star ballet dancer for the Royal
academy. I am proud of him the way a motherless person is.
I think
that Sweet November might be like another Dying Young
but I catch the Spirit and understand the meaning of how
to live each day as if there was no tomorrow. Maybe Kenau can
act. Plus they are in San Francisco... my heart beats a little
stronger.
I am hotter
than I have been in a long time. I am utterly exhausted. I can
barely concentrate on these words coming from my fingertips.
My birthday was the bomb. Matt and Sue had a bar-b-que. Jen
got me more fucked up than I had been in ages. Whiskey shots,
chocolate liquors with Grand-Mariner and other stuff
ensure to fucked up ness. We leave early because I won't be
standing much longer.
I didn't
get to see Jacinta or Grisha and Julia. I didn't get to do a
lot of things I would have liked to do but I didn't have a car.
I did
get to explain to my grandmother just exactly what it is that
I do. I related it all to sewing terms and I think now she gets
it. "I wouldn't want to do what you do." she told me.
I'm going
to work now.
Thursday
June 7, 2001
We lost
a day. Hum.
I have
been married for 8 months now. Sometimes I am utterly happy
and other times I am miserable.
Yesterday
was a hard day.
Today...
has been different. I couldn't sleep. I was starving. I even
broke down and went to McDonald's but they weren't serving hamburgers
yet. I got flapjacks and a hash brown and still had to get some
noodles from a lady selling a variety downstairs. Florent and
I had eaten some earlier. They were 25NT which might be about
80 cents USD.
I know
he forgot it's our "anniversary".
I am exactly
12 hours ahead of my sister. Which means I am 4 hours ahead
of Roman and 15 hours ahead of Jen if she is back in Ca now.
I am bushwhacked.
I have been designing all day and I must say I am superiorly
proud of myself. It's sooooo pretty. I keep looking at it. I
made it all... I took the marble tile from an old Italian floor.
Etc and now I have a cohesive design. It's flattering and luscious.
I am very proud of myself.
I had
fresh sushi tonight. It was delectable.
Saturday
June 9, 2001
We walked
around today. I am finally getting some work done. I really,
really, really like
this new site I have designed. It has renewed my faith
in me. I need to start designing like this for me but I don't
have the fucking time anymore.
I barely
have time to keep this thing up.
A recruiter
wrote to me interested in making me a webmaster when I get back.
That tickles me to death.
I can't
tell you how strange it is to be the only obvious American around
here. Maybe I shouldn't bleach my hair blond... but I can honestly
say I LOVE the attention.
I'm really
tired... so I am going to bed.
Monday
June 11, 2001
Mom would
have been 56 today.
I woke
from a nightmare. Anne and I were flying here together. I got
up to pee and the plane broke in half. I survived because I
wasn't buckled in. I was so distraught that one of my heros
had died in a fucking freak plane wreck because she fought so
hard to beat cancer.
I woke
up disturbed.
Florent
and I made love. We are getting to a point that I have never
been comfortable asking any of my lovers for, and that's to
make sure that I am wet before he enters me.
We are
starting to talk when we make love too. Not just about what
we are feeling at the time but about life and things. It's really
nice. I am relating to him in ways I haven't related to anybody.
This dependency on one another kind of scares me.
I have
so many design ideas now... things I would like to do. I think
the more I work am very excited.
I am not
happy with the whole Ori situation. His friend warned me that
he was a shark and he is pissed that he doesn't have a shopping
cart on his web site yet. He talked us down $500 which really
pisses me off but there has been a lot more work so that's good
on his part. I wrote in the contract that he would have to talk
to Florent once I finished the design about installing a shopping
cart.
We couldn't
work together well so he handed me over to his assistant. We
have been cat fighting on and off and I hate being such a cunt
but I am not about to let anyone take advantage of me. And I
couldn't make her understand that I was not the one that was
going to do the fucking shopping cart.
Fuck it.
I finally got so fucking frustrated that I wrote to her that
I quit. The design I am doing now looks great and I was perhaps
getting a little too egotistical but I really am fucking sick
of Ori whining and telling me how some other prick that screwed
him out of a grand told him he could have a shopping cart for
3,5K. We were paid just enough to cover rent.
I have
felt kind of bad about it all weekend. I have never really quit
on anything. Especially something I have put so much of my heart
into.
We have
a meeting tomorrow. I hope to design a new page for someone
else, only only this time...
Tuesday
June 12, 2001
I hate
Joanna. She's Ori's secretary. She is fucking everything up.
Wednesday
June 13, 2001
What to
say, what to say... I ate a yummy yummy fish today. I had a
nap.
There
is no stimulation here in the "office" so I am listening to
Roman's Radio Station.
Thank God for some relief. I think I would blow my brains out
if I was deprived like this too much.
I was
so bored today that I cleaned. We are supposed to go to the
night market tonight but who really knows?
I took
these awesome photos. The ones of Taiwan I am not so impressed
with. The ones of Florent I totally love. Especially this one
of his "dude".
I just
held it up and acted like I was licking it. I think he blushed.
We are
going to go to the night market. Woo Hoo!
Thursday
June 14, 2001
It had
to happen some time. We were making love when all of a sudden
the earth moved, the walls shook...
Ok...
that's a lie. I was naked, however, running a hot bath when
all of a sudden the walls were moving. I have a slight touch
of vertigo just thinking about it now. I have only been in an
earthquake once before in my life. It was nothing like this.
"Honey!"
I yelled out to Florent.
"Come
in here" 2 male voices shouted back.
"I can't...
I'm naked!" Florent rushed back to me and we held each other
until it was over. Last night it was a 6.3 on the Richter scale
and I didn't even notice. We were at the market and Florent
noticed but didn't say anything.
I feel
woozy. I don't know if it's because I am on my period or because
of feeling the earth move under my feet.
I'm all
shook up.
There
are 22 floors above me. I don't think I can stand it if this
keeps happening.
Saturday
June 16, 2001
I updated
bitch
today. I even put up a new photo of Taipei. It's pretty cool.
I am taking the day to do nothing but work on my shit.
Chatting
with Tammy and watching the
free-Ky cam. Chatting with Josh and my Net-dad, Johnny.
It's been an eventful morning. I really like the changes I made
with my site. We are going to the beach in a bit. I am excited
about that as well.
I gave
up on Netscape yesterday. It is not the developer's friend.
It's an inferior browser and I hate it. I never in my life thought
I would say Explorer is good but now I am starting to believe
more and more in the power of Microshit.
So I am
very happy with my site. I am happy with a lot of things these
days.
We went
to Carrefore yesterday. "It's a French store." We went in there
and the only thing that was really French besides my husband
was the cheese. mmm Stinky cheese. We bought Camembert and it's
nice.
He told
me that I was going to be in for a surprise when we went to
Costco. I walked in and was in heaven. I could actually pronounce
what I was buying. There was about 3 rows that were Chinese.
All the rest was stuff from America including the cherries we
bought in California when we drove down from San Francisco a
couple of weeks ago.
I have
a beautiful life. I never thought I would get to this point
when I was going through so much shit no so long ago but now
I fully appreciate it.
To pass
the time we play cards. Sankar is my partner. We kick Florent
and Praveen's ass on a daily basis. I really appreciate that
my momma taught me how to play cards now. All those Saturday
nights we would spend at the kitchen table. I really have started
to learn to appreciate the things she did like that.
Now we
aren't going to the beach. "Tomorrow, I promise." Tomorrow my
ass. I didn't come here to work 7 fucking days a week. I told
Clive I wouldn't do that. I am going stir crazy.
Sunday
June 17, 2001
Did you
ever wake up and feel like all of a sudden that this isn't the
life you signed up for?
I woke
up crying this morning because although I am happy I feel like
my marriage isn't right. I've had my doubts about it for a while
now and that's one of the reasons I have been writing about
it. I wanted it to be right. I wanted it to be perfect but what
marriage ever is?
Last night
Florent told me how when we got back to the States that he could
go on disability. I think that's the straw that broke the camel's
back. I realized all of a sudden that I would be taking care
of him for the rest of my life and I don't want that. I want
a man. I want to feel like if I ever get sick that I will be
taken care of. I want to feel like I can fall down on someone
else's shoulders and I don't feel like Florent is the man to
do that.
As usual,
the sex is great but I know that's because of me. I make it
whatever it is. I guess the big trouble is that I have met someone
else. Someone that shares more of the same common interests
as me. Someone I can argue with just because. Someone that speaks
Russian. Someone that loves his Mac as much as I love mine.
He even sent me some tools that I really fucking needed.
He's huge.
I know that if I were in his arms I would feel safe. I know
that if I were in his arms I would be taken care of and I know
that if I was in his arms I would feel like a stronger woman
because he is a stronger man.
It's been
going on for a couple of months. I have never encountered anyone
like him in my life. Instead of talking about himself he shows
me who he is. He shows me by spending time with me, by giving
me shit on things he doesn't agree with, by sending me things
I really need. I think that's just the way that he is.
And it
has made me realize that I deserve better from a man. I deserve
to be remembered on my birthday with something as stupid as
a poem. I deserve to have someone cook for me. I deserve someone
that is as special and dynamic as I am and Florent doesn't have
it.
So I have
spent the better part of the night agonizing over this. And
the better part of the day crying as now it's Monday in Taipei.
I feel bad for Florent. I feel bad for myself. I am sure once
we split up that Florent will succeed more than he ever has
because it seems that every guy I have ever been with gets their
shit together after our relationship ends.
I can't
believe I'm finally writing this all down. I guess I really
mean it now. Everyone has their limits and I have finally reached
mine.
I really
feel like going somewhere where I can be alone for a couple
of weeks and feel that Cathy Clay spirit once again. I bleed
all over the bed last night. I have no energy.
Monday
June 18, 2001
I'm so
fucked up. I think I need some help. I was talking to my sister
yesterday and she told me that I really need to learn how to
stick with it. I hate how I have adopted the same problems my
parents had. Miscommunication, hurt feelings and not dealing
with anger.
Talking
to someone else instead of my spouse when I have a problem.
That's bad. Andy said that I was having the same problems that
we had. I don't know why I am drawn to men that don't have other
friends.
I can't
believe how irrational I can be at times. I know at other times
I was willing to give up but something sparked inside of me
last night that made me realize that this one I better stick
out. I made a vow and I am not one that likes to go back on
those kinds of things. There are going to be people that tempt
me my entire life and I just need to realize that it's temporary
and like Anne said I need to concentrate on more solid things
instead of being caught up in the pettiness.
Florent
also said that it was only when I was on my period that I ever
talked about getting a divorce. There has to be something said
about that.
And when
I start thinking about it, I was attracted to him because he
needed me. And because he was loving and attentive to my needs.
The kind of guy that goes out and buys me a phone card at 2
am so I can call Jen.
All the
Walter Mitty fantasies that I have can never compare to the
reality. I'm in Taipei with my husband for God sake. And although
we don't have that much freedom we have each other and we aren't
in Kentucky and we aren't in LA.
I had
the perfect idea. I finally figured out that the guy I desire
would be perfect for the woman I admire the most. I just wrote
them both a letter. I hope it works out.
So...
now that that is over I am thinking and thinking about stuff
again. Why do I feel like I have the same problems as my parents?
Even after all these years do I still look at life through my
dad's eyes?
Julie
wrote to me and said that I don't surprise her anymore. But
I am not trying to surprise anyone. I'm starting to feel the
same no matter which country I am in and sometimes my emotions
are extreme and erratic.
I am still
me. No matter what. That's even what Gavin said when we started
writing to one another again. That no matter what I am still
the same person. Maybe I don't change that much. Maybe I never
will but I still feel that in my heart and in my soul I am a
beautiful person and I try to bring out beauty in everyone I
meet. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by this beauty. I want to dive
into it like Narcissus did and drown in the sensations of pleasure.
Maybe
I am still just very immature but I think I am allowed to be.
That and arrogant.
So I did
a little research on Narcissistic Behavior disorder and came
up with this :
The Narcissistic parent seems to employ a myriad of primitive
defenses in his dealings with his children. Splitting - idealizing
the child and devaluing him in cycles, which reflect the internal
dynamics of the parent rather than anything the child does.
Projective Identification - forcing the child into behaviors
and traits, which reflect the parents' fears regarding himself
or herself, his or her self-image and his or her self-worth.
This is a particularly powerful and pernicious mechanism. If
the narcissist parent fears his own deficiencies ("defects"),
vulnerability, perceived weaknesses, susceptibility, gullibility,
or emotions - he is likely to force the child to "feel" these
rejected and (to him) repulsive emotions, to behave in ways
strongly abhorred by the parent, to exhibit character traits
the parent strongly rejects in himself. The child, in a way,
becomes the "trash bin" of the parents' inhibitions, fears,
self-loathing, self-contempt, perceived lack of self-worth,
sense of inadequacy, rejected traits, repressed emotions, failures
and emotional reticence. Coupled with parent9s treatment of
the child as the parent9s extension, it serves to totally inhibit
the psychological growth and emotional maturation of the child.
The child becomes a reflection of the parent - a vessel through
which the parent experiences and realizes himself for better
(hopes, aspirations, ambition, life goals) and for worse (weaknesses,
"undesirable" emotions, "negative" traits). A host of other,
simpler, defense mechanisms put to use by the parent are likely
to obscure the predominant use of projective identification:
projection, displacement, intellectualization, depersonalization.
Relationships between such parents and their progeny easily
deteriorate to sexual or other modes of abuse because there
are no functioning boundaries between them.
It seems that the child9s reaction to a narcissistic parent
can be either accommodation and assimilation or rejection.
ACCOMMODATION and ASSIMILATION
The child accommodates, idealizes and internalizes the primary
object successfully. This means that the child9s "internal
voice" is narcissistic and that the child tries to comply
with its directives and with its explicit and perceived wishes.
The child becomes a masterful provider of narcissistic supply,
a perfect match to the parent's personality, an ideal source,
an accommodating, understanding and caring caterer to all
the needs, whims, mood swings and cycles of the narcissist,
an endurer of devaluation and idealization with equanimity,
a superb adapter to the narcissist's world view, in short:
the ultimate extension. This is what we call an "inverted
narcissist".
We must not neglect the abusive aspect of such a relationship.
The narcissistic primary object always alternates between
idealization of his progeny and its devaluation. The child
is likely to internalize the devaluing, abusive, demeaning,
berating, diminishing, minimizing, upbraiding, chastising
voices. The parent (or caregiver) goes on to survive inside
the adult (as part of a sadistic and ideal Superego and an
unrealistic Ego ideal, to resort to psychoanalytic parlance).
These are the voices that inhibit the development of reactive
narcissism, the child9s defense mechanism.
The adult maintains these traits. He keeps looking for narcissists
in order to feel whole, alive and wanted. He wishes to be
treated by a narcissist narcissistically (what others would
call abuse is, to him or her, familiar and constitutes narcissistic
supply). To him, the narcissist is a source of supply (primary
or secondary) and the narcissistic behaviors constitute narcissistic
supply. He feels dissatisfied, empty and unloved if not loved
by a narcissist.
The roles of Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply (PSNS)
and Secondary Source of Narcissistic Supply (SSNS) are reversed.
To the inverted narcissist, a spouse is a source of PRIMARY
supply, for instance.
The other reaction to the narcissistic parent is:
REJECTION
The child may react to the narcissism of the Primary Object
with a peculiar type of rejection. He develops his own narcissistic
personality, replete with grandiosity and lack of empathy
- BUT his personality is antithetical to the personality of
the narcissistic parent. If the parent were a somatic narcissist
- he is likely to be a cerebral one, if his father prided
himself being virtuous - he is sinful, if his mother bragged
about her frugality, he is bound to flaunt his wealth.
So there
you have it. I am an inverted Narcissist. I crave to be demeaned.
I rejected my father. I blew my wealth and I am sinful where
my parents were not. I am against all the values my father tried
to instill upon me because they were unrealistic ones.
So now
that I see that and I recognize this simple fact how easy is
it to change? I notice that everyone around me sees me as a
lady and they don't see me as an "urchin, liar and pig." But
still I don't feel it even when I look in the mirror all I can
see are the imperfections on my face.
Florent
loves me. I mean really loves me. He takes the time to constant
tell me I am beautiful. He constant tells me that men love me.
But then that just further puts me in the state of objectifying
myself and not allowing myself to feel the feelings that most
women should be aware of.
A group
of things that I feel explain me a bit further.
- The
IN is exceedingly distressed when singled out because of
actual achievements or demonstration of superior skills.
- The
IN feels ill at ease in a relationship with a non-narcissist
because it is unconsciously perceived by him to be "betrayal",
"cheating", an abrogation of the exclusivity clause he had
with the narcissistic primary object.
- The
IN's sense of self-worth does NOT fluctuate. It is rather
stable - but it is very low.
- No
grandiosity is permitted, except in dangerous, forbidden
fantasy. This shows that the invert is psychologically incapable
of fully realizing their inherent potentials without a primary
narcissist to filter the praise, adulation or accomplishments
through. They MUST have someone to whom praise can be redirected.
- No
one at all could understand him because he is innately unworthy
of being understood.
- The
"righteous sense of being properly excluded" comes from
the sadistic Superego in concert with the "overbearing,
externally reinforced, conscience".
- Feels
that he is inferior to others, lacking, insubstantial, unworthy,
unlikeable, unlovable, someone to scorn and dismiss, or
to ignore.
- Is
extinguishingly selfless, sacrificial, even unctuous in
his interpersonal relationships and will avoid the assistance
of others at all costs. Can only interact with others when
he can be seen to be giving, supportive, and expending an
unusual effort to assist.
- One
important difference between Inverted Narcissists and non-narcissists
is that the former are less likely to react with PTSD (Post
Traumatic Shock Syndrome) following a relationship with
a narcissist. They seem to be "desensitized" to narcissists
by their early upbringing. Whereas the reactions of normal
people to narcissistic behavior patterns (and especially
to the splitting and projective identification defense mechanisms
and to the idealization devaluation cycles) is shock, profound
hurt and disorientation - Inverted Narcissists show none
of the above.
I refuse
to react to PTSD. I have had so many things to suffer from Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder that I can't react anymore.
The Inverted Narcissist is cast in a negative (emergent) role
within his family. His "negativity" is attributed to his gender,
the order of his birth, religious, social, or cultural dictates
and commandments, his "character flaws", his relation to a specific
person or event, his acts or inaction and so on. In the words
of one such IN:
The thing
that scares me the most is my inability to feel. I do so many
things to shock myself back into feeling that nothing changes
and I still can not feel. I feel so many things that it's all
so much easier to write it all down as an experience tan it
is to actually be in touch with those feelings.
I learned
to seal them up as a child because it didn't matter what I felt.
I tried to be in touch with them and when mother died I was
more then ever. Roman said to me that it didn't matter what
I was feeling when momma was dying. I think that is the last
time I really felt something. I can only respond to negative
sensations.
Anything
positive has no impact. I tried to be happy on my wedding day.
Nothing. I go outside and everyone looks at me in awe. I am
happy until I come back up here. I have such a small ego that
things that affect other people have no impact other then what
is happening at that moment.
However,
when Florent's cock is inside of me I feel everything. I feel
the earth, I feel life, I feel myself and I give into the pleasure
that my body gives to someone else.
The invert is so heavily preoccupied in his or her pre-school
years in satisfying the narcissistic parent, that the traits
of grandiosity and self-love, need for adoration and narcissistic
supply from ANY viable source remain dormant or repressed.
I still
seek out hatred because that is the reflection inside of me.
That is what I was taught. A deep sense of self-loathing that
no matter what I say or do it will never be cured. To some people
it may not be so evident because I reflect what other people
want to see of me.
To myself
and my little sister I will always be the fat kid they brought
a cow bell on the bus to ring when I got off, the daughter of
an alcoholic father who loves his fucking car more than me because
that car fits into his outer world of what an object should
be. I am objectified every single minute of every single day.
I even objectify myself in a certain way which is why you only
catch glimpses of me here and there on this site.
The IN is conditioned and programmed from the very beginning
to be the perfect companion to the narcissist. To feed their
Ego, to be purely their extension, to seek only praise and adulation
if it brings greater praise and adulation to the narcissist.
That praise
ended the day I looked my father in the eye and screamed "FUCK
YOU!" when I was 15. I was not going to be anyone's adornment.
That's why I hate jewelry.
If you are a "fixer" which most inverted narcissists are, then
focus on fixing situations, preferably before they become "situations".
Don't for one moment delude yourself that you can FIX the narcissist
- it simply will not happen. Not because they are being stubborn
- they just simply can't be fixed.
I fuck
my life up on purpose so I can fix it. I am addicted to problems
that are so far out of my realm I find solutions and then feel
shafted when people don't follow my recommendations only to
have them kiss my ass when I was right in the first place. There
is where I get some sense of satisfaction.
The traits of this personality are primarily evident in relationship
contexts. The child was conditioned by the narcissistic parent
to only be entitled to feel whole, useful, productive, complete
when the child augmented or mirrored to the parent their own
sought after narcissistic image. As a result the child is shaped
by this engulfment and cannot feel complete in any significant
adult relationship unless they are with a narcissist.
Maybe
Florent is Narcissistic. I don't think so. I know that relationships
I have had in the past, even friendships, were with complete
Narcissists. I would feed their ego in order to try and get
some sense of praise or love or attention. Only to one day realize
that the image they had of me was not the honest perception.
I felt bad because they believe I was someone else instead of
seeing me for who I really am.
But the invert does not "feel" loved because the non-narcissist
is not "engulfing" them. Thus, the invert tends to devalue their
non-narcissistic primary partner as less than worthy of the
inverts' love and attention.
It appears
that the inverted narcissist in a relationship with a non-narcissist
is behaviorally indistinguishable from a true narcissist.
The only important exception is that the invert does not rage
at his non-narcissist partner - he instead withdraws from
the relationship even further. This passive-aggressive reaction
has been noted, though, with narcissists as well.
Who knows?
Maybe I have become the Narcissist.
Tuesday
June 19, 2001
"Your
mom called."
"In a
dream?"
"Yeah
in a dream. She asked to speak to Catherine. She had a young
voice."
"I wish
you would have told me sooner." I turn my face into his elbow.
"I didn't
have the chance. I tell you that now and you reproach me."
1re-proach.
Date:14th century
- an expression
of rebuke or disapproval
- the
act or action of reproaching or disapproving
- a :
a cause or occasion of blame, discredit, or disgrace
- obsolete
: one subjected to censure or scorn
That's
Florent's favorite way of telling me I argue with him. It
sounds so weird when it comes from his mouth. "You reproach
me!"
I
tried to explain to him about everything I wrote above and
he tried to tell me that that's just how people are. Everyone
seems to think that there is an easy solution to this problem.
That I should just let it all go but it's not that easy.
When
you abuse a dog it usually stays head shy no matter how
wonderful you are to it.
So
Julie wrote me again. There is no therapist out there that
has suffered as uniquely as I have, of this I am certain.
That's why Dr. Bergandi tried to get me to get my PhD so
I could help other people. .
She
told me I could be objective. That's because I have no ego
and can see myself as an object because that is how I was
taught to view myself since I have a cunt.
If
I go back and look at my grades they were always stellar
until I was in 3rd grade and I overheard my father say to
a client "You can always tell how happy kids are by their
grades." I wanted to excel so I wouldn't give him any other
reasons to scream at me. I wanted to be perfect so I wouldn't
have to hear anything else bad about myself but no matter
what I did I was still a liar and a pig. My grades slipped
that year from straight As to As, Bs, and I think my first
C was in 4th grade.
I
thrive on chaos. I know this for a fact. I try to keep relatively
happy but there is always going to be that undercurrent
of sadness.
And
I love your unsolicited advice, Ms. Julie. I did have a
great relationship with Dr. Bergandi. He was the strongest
role model I had for a long time. I think he's the only
real therapist I have had that helped me a lot.
I
am trying to refuel my energy. I feel sapped in a lot of
ways. I don't have the ability to pick up and move like
I used to but I have a feeling tomorrow I will do just that.
Especially since I just finished my period.
Wednesday
June 20, 2001
I
would like to start off by saying thank you to those of
you who have written me lately. It means a lot to me because
I don't have a mom or a dad to guide me anymore. There are
a few of you out there that I know really care about my
sanity and well being and I also know that you are more
objective than I can be at times because you all know what
it is to read this... imagine living and trying to feel
it when you have repressed so much for so long.
I
have been sober for 3 weeks now. It's very strange. Before
I left I had been pretty sober. No drugs, no alcohol. I
find that sometimes when I sit I feel like I am flying anyway.
I am concerned because what if my body is reacting adversely
to something? I feel like to a certain degree I have mastered
my pain and my coping skills are solid. I would love to
see how my hormones effect my psycho ramblings and irrational
behavior.
My
mother used to tell me that there was this grey area in
my thinking. I was given SSI when I was 20 and I wanted
to go to Egypt with all the money I received. She made fun
of me for being like that but I know that there are times
when I am completely irrational and there is nothing I can
do about it but ride it out until the sensations or behavior
subsides.
I
don't think it makes me a bad person per say, but it does
make me uniquely me.
So...
we went for a walk last night as it's already 12 in the
afternoon here and only 9:36 yesterday in LA and since I
am going by LA time...
So
we are walking around and there is a drunk guy that starts
to follow us. I think Praveen and I notice him at the same
time because we are like that. We find a night market across
the street and there is junk, junk, junk everywhere. I am
looking for specific souvenirs and I see nothing. There
are two tea pots I find for $30 a piece but I am not sure
they are original and I have no way of dating them. Who
knows? They could have stuck them in the ground to make
them rust and stuff. I think I might buy them anyway.
But
for the most part there is shit, shit and more shit. I guess
I need to find an art fair or something. I see how our obsession
for junk in America is heavily influenced by this culture
in more ways than one.
Florent
and I had it out this morning. I woke up and I had written
him a letter the night before telling him how I felt used
and neglected in certain ways and when I woke up I was sad
and in a very bad mood. I haven't woken up like that in
a long ass time.
He
was very upset that I was so upset. I didn't want to let
him in the bathroom because I wanted to sulk but he's very
good about addressing problems and not allowing me to sulk
for very long. Plus when we have fights he usually makes
up to me.
So
he realized that we need to spend more time talking. And
he told me that it's very hard for him to understand simple
things and that he has to be told again and again and he
will learn. "Look, I used the strips on my face the other
day and I have learned to use them!" (Vanity is a main concern
however for everyone and I don't consider that to be a bonus).
I
realized many things yesterday/today. I am very loved no
matter how I feel at certain times in my life. No matter
what there are people watching over me that are good people
in that they want to help me make the right decisions in
life instead of fucking up everything.
It's
weird to think that just last year I was working for Edonia
and feeling like my talents were going to waste. A far cry
from being in Taipei and working my fucking ass off. I can
say that my life has improved dramatically since I moved
to California.
So...
we fucked like bunnies this morning and last night. It was
out of necessity last night and this morning I woke up dreaming
about his cock inside of me. I was turbo horny and stripped
him while still being somewhat asleep.
So...
The Indian guys made an observation that whenever Florent
leaves I go back in my bed and fall asleep. So that made
me think about a lot of things. I don't think anyone could
ever possibly love me as much as he does and with his love
I feel like I have begun to blossom. And maybe he's not
perfect but he changes everyday. When we first got married
he was so used to speaking French with all his girlfriends
that now he constructs more complicated feelings and emotions
with ever word he says because I don't speak French. It's
not like I haven't raised a man before to suit my needs,
either. It's can be quite a chore sometimes and although
I get frustrated I still know that he has pieces of him
that are uniquely him that I have never found in anybody
else and I do cherish that about him.
Thursday
June 21, 2001
Happy
Birthday to Ian. I called him today to wish him a Happy
Birthday. I always try to call him on his birthday. I got
to watch him grow up. It means a lot to me. I called him
from Russia on the 16th. God... I sat him in my lap when
he was 8 and let him drive the Caddy. It was funny. Naturally
he's grown up and I think I could sit in his lap like he
used to sit in mine he's so big.
So...
what to talk about. I have been giving it a lot more thought
about the kinds of things I should say now instead of my
day was this or that but sometimes I need to write that
kind of shit just to write. Sometimes I need the time to
process what is going on with me in order to understand
or how to convey certain things.
I
am exhausted. My shoulders ache and my hands are going numb.
I can't stand much more of this. There are like, no sites
out there that tell you where to go in Taiwan so I think
that will be my next project.
I
am sooooo sick of working I could scream. So I am going
to go photograph here shortly.
Saturday
June 23, 2001
I
woke up this morning like I usually do. I run my hand down
across my body and notice that I have lost a ton of weight.
I examined my body the other day and was upset. I have enough
stretch marks to look like I have given birth to several
children.
I
dreamt about my little girl. I dreamt that she was 8 and
I was showing her how to do something on the computer and
she was reading my diary and she asked me about Taipei and
what I thought about it.
I
didn't know how to answer so I woke up.
We
went out last night. I was desperate to feel something not
being trapped like a rat in cage. We took the subway and
met a kid that was telling us how some other guy brought
hash from the Himalayas. My mouth was watering. Naturally
it's all gone. But I would love to get other people's stories
of drug experiences down on paper.
I
talked with Jen the other day. She is the only person that
supports me on the whole Florent situation. I guess because
she sees it in real life. "Cathy, you don't ask for that
much. It's not like you are being unreasonable."
Words
that I have told myself a thousand times. I am demanding
in a different kind of way. It was kind of nice to see all
the girls flirting with him last night at the pub, but he's
right, I am distant.
"Honey,
where are you. You aren't with me. It's like you no longer
show that you love me."
"Neither
do you. I have been putting into this relationship and now
it's your turn."
"I
don't know where you read about this tactic, but I am going
to go jack off."
"Go
right ahead."
My
arms hurt. Really hurt. I slept the better part of the day
away today and they still hurt. I can't stand it.
Clive
called to bitch about how my design doesn't work on an 8-bit
moniter. I could scream. We had an argument yesterday. "I
gave up this room for you. It's the best room with Air Conditioning."
and beds that sit on the floor. He says that kind of shit
and I know I am never going to work for this asshole again.
I am sick of it. I am sick of being lied to. I am sick of
feeling like I have no freedom. "There is no TV that we
can watch."
"That
wasn't in the contract."
Fuck
you. You acted like everything would be provided correctly
for us here and then you don't provide dick. The first fucking
day I was here he expected us to sleep on mats on the floor.
"It's OK."
I
bitched. They were replaced with thick mattresses filled
with something not much softer than the floor.
"You've
been to Russia?" Florent loves to say to this.
"At
least in Russia they live in a civilized country. They have
beds." They may not have AC but I don't give a fuck. They
may not have hot water, doesn't even phase me. But if I
am not comfortable in a bed I become an even bigger bitch.
I
have never felt like a slave before. I hope I never feel
like a slave again. I can't believe I agreed to have my
freedom taken away from me for such a small amount. "But
honey, there is a system Admin in San Francisco living in
a homeless shelter." That stupid fuck should have moved
then. That's why we didn't stay in San Francisco. Who wants
to pay all that fucking money for nothing?
So...
This is the down side of Taipei. We live out in the fucking
boonies. Taipei county. A 500 NT cab ride. I can't believe
I bought into this shit.
Lies, lies, lies yeah
They're going to get ya
Lies, lies, lies yeah
They won't forget you.
We
own concepts.org now. At least there is an upside to that.
*
* *
What
would you do if you knew you were dying? If you could feel
your body consuming itself slowly. I stand up and I am dizzy.
I sit down, the same thing.
I
hurt now. My head aching like it hasn't in months. No pot
to make it stop. I knew we should have followed that kid
to the hostel last night. I feel like my head is splitting
open. That I am literally going to have a conniption where
my head splits open just from the pain. 10 more days to
go and I will be back at home.
These
are going to be the longest 10 days of my life.
Sunday
June 24, 2001
I'm
soooooo sick. I have gradually been getting a bigger and
bigger headache. Screamers. The only time I enjoy screaming
is when I am being fucked properly but now I want to scream
because my fucking head hurts so bad.
I
can't wait to get home and smoke a big, fat bowl. And feel
the tension melt out of my body.
So...
My little match worked and Tanya and Josh are very excited
to meet one another. He's going to Israel and she's going
to study in Paris. I think they will hook up in Paris. I
am falling in love with being in love again and very happy
to have hopefully matched two awesome people.
Things
are back to normal with Florent and myself. We made love
twice today. He's finally starting to make come faces. Before
I couldn't tell at all if he was about to come because he
holds it all in but now I can see the evidence in the way
he moves his mouth.
I
guess I am not the only one to make the other one blossom.
I
have to go sleep. I slept all day and even now I feel completely
wiped out because of this screamer. When I woke up I asked
Florent to go make me some food and fast. He ran down to
the supermarket and bought me a fish and it was probably
exactly what I needed.
Tomorrow
is a major holiday here.
Tuesday
June 26, 2001
I
packed our shit up Sunday night. If Clive wasn't going to
let us out on Monday I was going to say FUCK IT and leave.
I don't give a fuck anymore and we will do something. I
am sick of this shit. "I'm surprised you could take it this
long."
I
am just ready to go home. I am never going to do this to
myself again. Not longer than 3 weeks because I start going
nuts.
A
control freak with no control. I know it's nice to lose
control every once in a while but this is insane. I feel
like I am stuck in a BAD parent/child relationship. I throw
tantrums even. Big ones. I have scared my boss. I probably
ruined our relationship but I doubt it because he still
thinks I am pretty.
I
tell you if you are marginally good looking in this world
you can get away with murder. People take your shit just
so they can look at you. Nothing coming out of your mouth
means shit because it doesn't take the vision away.
I am
so bored. So anyways, we went to the boat races after I
sat here and stewed for a couple of hours. He knew I wasn't
going to work. I wish I could be nice and just get my way
but I can't be nice not when I feel like my rights have
been violated and my privacy invaded. Shall I continue?
I
am Jill's unrequisited rage. I am sick of the lies. I try
to live with a minimum of lies in my life. Especially since
my father was such a fucking liar.
The
Indians made us some "Turtle" drink with lots of spices
to clean out your stomach and help with keeping you clean.
I don't want to eat anything. It was very good. Maybe I
should quit eating meat. I would love to say that but I
know when I am bleeding like a bitch in heat I need the
iron only a nice, juicy steak will satisfy.
I
dunno.
I
can't wait to go home. I am tired.
Wednesday
June 27, 2001
I
am convinced some people have a mission in life now. I think
some people, namely me, are meant to go through SO MUCH
SHIT in their lives to make them understand just how precious
their life is. Not to waste it on SHIT.
That's
why when I first got married Florent was in an accident.
I am much better at dealing with life when I am in crisis
mode. This is not crisis mode.
I
am soo over this all.
5
more days. That's it. 5 days. The Indian engineers are leaving
on Sat morning early so hopefully we will get everything
worked out or whatever. I am looking forward to giving my
shoulder a rest.
Thursday
June 28, 2001
It's
still 11 in La LA land...
So
this is how it all begins. Josh left for Isreal and Tanya
is in Paris. Jenna is in Camp out in Indiana. She e-mailed
me to let me know she is coming out to CA when I get back.
YEA!!!
Hopefully
Tanya and Josh will meet up in Paris but if they don't Tanya
can meet up with Marie who is living in Paris. I miss Marie,
my diving partner. I can't wait to get to France someday
so we can hang out.
It's
nice to be well enough connected to have friends all over
the world so when they travel they can hang out and enjoy
each other's company. And what can I say? I have the best
friends in the world.
Our
Internet was down yesterday. My boss asked me to do something
for print and I was like "I'm sorry that's not in the contract."
Just like when I asked where the TV was he replied "That's
not in the contract."
Praveen
and San are leaving tomorrow early. I am going to throw
one more tantrum because Clive has lied about so many things
and I haven't had one fucking day off and I am sorry but
the labor laws have to apply here because we signed the
contract in America.
I
have 5 more days.
I
woke up with cock inside of me this morning. It's such a
delicious way to start your day! I think he fucked some
of the bitch out of me so I am not totally fucking miserable
sitting here.
I
have this overwhleming feeling that I have that old Cathy
Clay sense of myself back again. Defiant, bitchy and very
confident. While Florent disclosed last night that he was
a coward. He is very concerned about this. I told him that
I would take his kind of coward any day. He doesn't know
how to sport fuck and that's a good thing.
I
was thinking maybe I am being overtly sensitive. I mean
I don't have a car, no TV last night no Internet, and I
feel like I am chained to this fucking computer. Maybe I
am just being somewhat judgemental. I hated Russia the first
time I went. I couldn't stop bitching about it but I was
there on my own recogince. I suppose that's a different
story.
I
walked down on the street yesterday and there was this soup
cart that sells noodles and stuff and the smell of animal
was just overwhelming. It makes me sick. Florent naturally
got food from this cart when he discovered the noodle lady
I love so much was on "holiday".
He
came back, I took one wiff and wanted to vomit. I ate about
3 bites and gave it to him. Too gross for me. "Next time
I will just get you McDonalds. "
"Please
do because I can't bear the smell of animal."
"But
it is animal. It's just like fucking McDonalds that takes
the smell away so that humans feel superior."
No...
it smell like girl cum and burnt fur mixed with shit. I'm
sorry but I'm an American.
In
my absolute confined boredom I have been listening to Radio
Maximum and Speahes like JFK's inaugral speac. That is sooo
inspiring. Maybe I can be as inspiring someday to a few
people.
Friday
June 29, 2001
So
we have the next couple of days to "tour" around. A far
cry from the two weeks we were promised. Now Clive thinks
we are going to steal his precious code. What the fuck ever.
The
site is launched and finally we get to do something fun.
I am very happy about this fact. But for now I think I am
going to go back in my room since he just slithered back
into the "office".
Saturday
June 30, 2001
I
woke up this morning from a Dream of being in Tanya's huge
spread in Baja, California by being shook by the earth.
Half concious of what was going on I jumped up and looked
at Florent sleeping gently. I "hit" him and by then the
earthquake was over.
We
did not spend the morning scream in ectasy. Instead we went
up on the roof and started taking nudies of one another.
I am sure the ones of me are just...
So
Clive seems to trust us a lot. We dont' have a key.
We
went to the Jade market. I bought lots and lots of these
precious stones... I don't know who's reading this so I
am not going to disclose what they are... but I got enough
to make several things.
I
bought other little pieces of this that and the other as
well.
