September 6, 1997
Well, I just fucked up my last journal entry. It was pretty good too. Oh well, what I basically said was that I think that some people just naturally bring out the worst in one another, so... it's better if they aren't friends and such. I also came to the conclusion that some friends are wonderful and some suck, but that's just a part of life. If you have bad friends, then why keep them? I am totally confused. You know, foreigners that come over here are perplexed at how Americans can be so nice to your face and not want to be your friend. I don't have an answer to that problem. I used to try to be everybody's friend, but I soon realized that people screw nice people over and when they royally fuck you over, they expect you to want to take them back.
Like my ex best friends from when I was a child. Jennifer couldn't be my friend in school, so she would ignore me but when she got home, we would talk for hours. I finally got fed up with that shit and just quit dealing with her. She called my mom's house a year ago. It seems now that her father is dying or died from cancer, she wants my sympathy. I adored her father, he was a wonderful man, but I already have my own mother's existence to deal with without taking on her baggage, which are a bunch of feelings I experienced when I needed her to be my friend the most. Nobody, I don't care who you are, wants to listen to this shit. I know not only from experience, but I know I don't want to hear about it anymore. I have just come to the conclusion that life is for the living, and we all can't worry about our own mortality or even our gods, those people that brought us into this world. It's a whole lot easier to accept that people die all the time, sure many aren't as loved as Princess Di, but there is nothing you can do to stop the cycle of life so enjoy it while it lasts. I know I am!
| Then there was Lisa. Our friendship started because we had crushes on these two guys, and we always hung out with them. Well, we found out that they we into one another. This blew our little hick 16 and 17 year old minds. Homosexuals? In Oldham County. But I knew before she did and the torture the three of them put me through was hell. She gave the older guy a tube of lipstick to write "Bitch Cow Sow" on Bub's windshield. That enough should have told me she was a cunt, but I stayed friends with her for 7 years. |
Bubs was a Subaru Young S |
There are freaky stories that go along with her... her parents were strict and my mom let us do what we wanted so she would spend the night and usually rendezvous with her current fuck. One time I told her that she should be home by 2 am, the ONLY time I EVER told her when to come home, and she was in a car wreck at 2:08 am. (the money she got from that wreck is what ultimately destroyed our relationship. The reason I don't talk to her now is because she didn't even take me out to dinner to show her appreciation for cleaning up her shit when she was bed ridden.)
Then there are people like Eric. OF all the people I lost contact with, he was the one I missed the most. We had a falling out over something ethical, which, since I been to Russia, I have realized that I miss and adore him because I showed him just what a cunt I could really be and he still respected me. We have a class now which makes me glad. I missed him so much, I don't have to pretend to be anything with him. And I think we can still love and respect one another, but with some boundaries.
So... this brings me to my current state of friends. I have really good friend's now. There is Jen, I have known her since we were 11, but we have just recently gotten close; There's Priscilla, she might move in, and I hope it works because we could have a lot of fun; There's Melissa, who is having a baby in the next month;and Jan, the... normal American living in Russia.
OK, so maybe I wrote this all for me because I am just trying to figure out how friendships work and move in cycles. I don't think I want to have any more friendships where I am so totally fucked over. I realized that with Priscilla, the reason we both are the way we are is because we were raised by our daddies and for the most part, so we don't have too many fem qualities. I don't think that makes us bad, just a different spice to the flavor.
I went on my first date the other night. It was so awesome. I think I will like this dating thing. It totally boosted my self-esteem, I feel so good about myself! I am so happy to be free and I have entered the new phase of accepting men for who they are stage... where if a guy is insecure, lazy and un-motivated, then I don't need to accept him!
September 7, 1997
My weekend was weird. I started it off fucked up and ended it here, normal. Yesterday my oldest cat, who is 10, fell off the fence and split both his top and bottom lips. There was blood everywhere. It was gross.
Today I spent the first part of the day with Priscilla, the second with Brandi at her shower and the third with Roxell. I guess he's my new buddy. We walked in the park and watched 'Absolute Power.'
I am beginning to have a jaded opinion of men, or maybe I just have jaded opinions of my friends. Most of my friends have been recently dumped, so it's one big men bashing conversation after another. I think I am the only girl that came out of a relationship with some self-esteem, and at least I'm not... with child. I don't know. I know what it is like to be totally loved and accepted, and for some reason that just wasn't enough. Well, that and he never stood up to me.
Boy, it would be nice if this dating thing were so easy, but I don't think it's going to be. I sometimes wish I could just be a slut, but... I just can't be so free. I don't know... Life is indeed strange.
September 9, 1997
So... I get to be a wonderful woman on the web! I am so happy. I don't care what ANYBODY says, when you win a little recognition for your efforts, then it makes you feel good.
I was going to just concentrate on school and try not to worry about dating for a while when someone sparked my interest. I think he wants to be more then just friends too. I am so sick of hearing "I think we should just be friends." It's like, can't a guy think of a more original blow off line? Here are some of my favorites:
"I was wondering if you would just like to suck my cock before I blow you off."
"Would you like fries with that ass kiss?"
"Once you bend over, it's all the same"
"ANYTHING that starts EX-GIRLFRIEND.'"
Correct me if I am wrong, but don't most people have ex people they once cared about? Then what's the point of making the person you are with feel like shit because they can't measure up? And if it was so wonderful with Madame X, then why are you here with me? Just answer that one little question, otherwise KISS MY ASS.
So, my friends and I were thinking if women got together and we all did resumes for our last lover, how many women would consider them as a contender in the game of love if NONE of their ex's talk to them? I could see it all now, there would be revolts all over the world... guys cheating on their resumes... or maybe they would LEARN how to treat us. HA! I see pigs flying first...
September 14, 1997
So, I have been real busy. Brandi is getting married next weekend and things are going to hell. I really feel sorry for her. Her dad threatened to quit paying for her wedding. What a nightmare. I'm eloping not only because it's better but because I ain't got no daddy to pay for my wedding.
I don't talk to my dad's side of the family, except for some reason, I went and saw my Grandfather Clay yesterday. I wanted to cry. He kept looking at me telling me how pretty I was and asked me who I was. He thought at first I was his oldest daughter, then his youngest and when I told him who I was he just sat and pondered.
He kept telling me how he gave his children the best education and he forgot to give them attention because he was busy earning a living while my grandmother play with her roses. He told me he was mentioned in Who's Who of lawyers, but I think he understands that that doesn't mean shit. He was so glad to see me. I went and saw him last year, but he had forgotten. There are lots of memories he had forgotten about me, which hurts a little, but he's 86 and will be 87 in November.
I remember dancing on his shoes when I was 9 at my Uncle's wedding. I remember some Christmases at his place. He asked me who my father was and I told him and he said, "He sure is a fine fellow." I said "If you say so, grandfather." He couldn't believe I didn't think highly of my sperm donor. He told me how I sure looked like a Clay, I told him he needed to tell his son that because he doesn't think I'm his because I look like my mom. Sure I have many of my mother's features, but I have his nose, his forehead and his O+ running through my veins.
Pop, my other grandfather, went with me. He was going to go see Gene, a man he's know for over 60 years. But he wasn't there. So he sat and listened and then wanted to leave. I think it made him uncomfortable. Right before I left, he looked at me and said, "Your mother is Patsy Waits." and I almost lost it then. He started to remember.
He wasn't so good to my father, like my father hasn't been so good to us. They didn't speak for 14 years because Tee married my mother. He said how my father was his favorite child, always was. So, I guess that's why he was harder on him.
Granny fixed my bridesmaid dress. I lost so much weight over the summer she had to take 8 inches out of the dress. We talked about stuff, Andy and mom.
MOM LEAVES FOR MARYLAND NEXT WEEK! They are going to try to cut off the blood supply to her cancer. God I hope this works. But even if it does, she still doesn't have a right mind about her.
I didn't really want to see Pop, because I KNEW, just knew he would bitch at me for breaking up with Andy. Then he said something about my bumper sticker, "Uppity Women Unite," he didn't get it and when I explained it he said "you know what the bible says about that..." and I said "Poppa, I don't care." "That's what's wrong with the world today, it's going to hell." I am so sick of hearing this BULLSHIT I could vomit. But he left me alone after that. I am a grown woman and I can make my own decisions now. I don't need a penis around to validate what I do. This is one of the reasons I am a sexist fuck.
Uh, my tummy is turning I'm so pissed. So... last night was Brandi's bachelorette party. I thought of Pascal... I should write an ode to him because I actually knew him. He died of AIDS almost four years ago. He was my downstairs neighbor. He never told me he had AIDS, I suspected... I don't know why he's on my mind so much. I guess because I am starting a new phase of promiscuity in my life, I'm a late bloomer, what do you expect?
Anyways, I saw Lisa, the she devil last night while we were partying down. I had fun most of the evening, watching pretty men in drag. God, if I come back, please let me be a homosexual male so I can do drag! But... seeing her ruined my whole night. I knew I knew her when I saw her, but I couldn't place her, and that is very unlike me. It usually takes me no time to figure out who someone is. But she grabbed me around my neck as if never to let go. I was so startled that I didn't know what to say or do, so I was nice to her and I talked with her but it gave me the heebie jeebies. I got really upset after that because it was so unexpected. I don't feel like talking about it any more. I'm going to go do some homework or something...
September 18, 1997
Tomorrow is my older sister's birthday. She is going to be 31. Shit I am getting old. I don't know what to get her... She just wants some cake or something.
I have told myself more then once that some things should never be experienced more then once... and I honestly believe this. I have too much shit going on right now to be sitting here, whacking off on the computer so I am going to go. I will write more later.
September 21, 1997
I don't understand how I can feel so completely happy and so desperately sad all in the same day.
I started off happy, feeling good, enjoying Superman's company. He's such a good person. I enjoy his company. I wish I could feel like this about him always, but I know... there's no way this can last forever, right?
We even went to the grocery and bought groceries together. He made me dinner, that meal between breakfast and supper for you Northerners... It was so good and yummy. He took the tomatoes that Poppa grew and made spaghetti sauce with olives, garlic, onions, (it does get better), eggplant, and other yummy stuff. I was so happy and it was so delicious.
I went out to my mom's because Poppa yelled at me yesterday. He wanted me to make sure Momma packed for her trip to Maryland OK. What could you possibly need for an overnight stay? I think if I ever go somewhere for the weekend, I won't take but one change...
Anyways, I went there to take care of her, which I knew I didn't need to do. Then, when it was time to go, She didn't want to ride with me. I said, "you are riding with me" And since I only live 5 minutes away from the airport... but she didn't come with me. I don't think my opinion matters with her. I really hate her right now. I WANTED to be the first one to go with her, it's only one day, but did she listen to me? No... you can say I am a little bitter. Thomas is a lazy fuck, granted he's got bad headaches, but still I hate my brother.
So, how can things change so drastically? I feel so awful. I was so happy and now I am just mad. I have a Russian test and I don't want to study. I don't want to do anything. My mom thinks because she's the one that's sick, she's the only one going through her illness, and that's just not the case.
I'm too fucked up to write any more. I will write later...
September 25, 1997
I missed school today. I wonder if anybody actually bothers to read this shit? So, I want to talk about stuff that matters, but I am not sure who comes here. fuck it.
I had the best sex in the world last night. I could die a happy woman today. There are few moments in a girl's sexual life that actually define so much of who she is, and last night happened to be one of mine. I feel as though I was just practicing all the times before and last night was mind-blowing. I would go into graphic detail... but... well... some things should just be kept private.
Andy wrote me a letter. I feel sad for him because now he realizes that I was totally in love with him and he just treated me like a piece of furniture. The most important relationship advice I have is to communicate. Talk talk talk... because if you don't then someone's feelings are being hurt and someone is feeling neglected. For some reason, surface stuff doesn't matter for shit. Everybody is worried about their hair, their make-up, but that doesn't matter. What matters is the connection you make with the other person and how you react off one another. Money is necessary. I hate money, but I know I have to respect it in all it's glory.
ta ta... I have to go work now...
September 28, 1997
I had a weird dream last night about the last two people I had had sex with. It was strange. At first, it wasn't them. It was Andy and me out in the woods in some sort of hideaway... I will finish this later.
