Friday October 1, 1999

I think Kevin got it that we are broken up now. Last night he was supposed to come home and take me out to dinner and then when he got here I had already made plans with Andy.

I think that man loves me more then anything on this earth. Sometimes I think it would be easier just to go back to him and hide from everyone else but that's too easy. But no one will ever love me as much as Andy does, I know this for a fact.

When he finally did get home he had a million reasons why he couldn't get here. I just told him that I am not ready to be in a relationship and neither is he. "Oh... and you were a month ago!"

"I was more willing to try." So during this display of his frustration, I sat on my bed and just watched him go on and on about how bad he felt. When I told him I made other plans he said "Can I borrow your car?" I just wanted to laugh at him. He wanted to go out to eat where his comrades were.

I am just so over it. I was actually in a good mood on the drive home. The drive through Hooterville was colorful and pleasant. I listened to the short tape I made of the NIN CD and was rather excited about breathing fresh Kentucky air.

Then someone I have been writing to for 2 years wrote to me... oh it was Gavin, I have written about him before in my diary, told me I was boring him and that he didn't want to correspond with me any longer.

To be perfectly honest, I am getting sick of meeting people off of the Internet. There are some relationships I have, mostly with women, that we have been talking for ages, we e-mail one another when we can but... I am now disillusioned with the whole prospect of finding some special people out there like me.

So... I won't have too much of that anymore. I am going to Jenn's wedding next weekend... I don't think my camera will be fixed, and I am really excited about meeting her even if it is her wedding day and she will be too flustered to remember much. There are a few other people I wouldn't mind meeting but...

So that's another reason why I am horrible at e-mail. I can start something and continue it for a while but to have someone you care about half way across the planet write and tell you that you are boring them. What the fuck ever. You get from a relationship what you put into it so if I am boring you then thanks for stopping by, don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

Most guys only want to fuck me so it's no great loss in my book.

And my favorite thing in the world is to be called a stalker, even in jest. It implies that I am the one invading your life to make sure I am there and most of the time it's other people that come here and read my diary and talk about things I have done... That creeps me out to a certain degree. Because when I am live and in person I am not thinking about stuff I have written but the experience at hand.

You know, there are very few relationships I have started by finding someone else and those relationships, I am happy to say, are still somewhat in tact. I met Sam this way and Michael. Uhhh... I am just not going to think about it anymore.

I hope I get a job in Chicago and can leave this place. There I feel like I have opportunities but here I feel like I am stuck in a time warp. Being in New York was too much for me if you can imagine. Moscow is easy... the air is even cleaner because there are so many trees to absorbs all the toxic fumes. Although there are some places...

I am so put off by so many things right now. Life doesn't always run the way it should or the way you plan and sometimes you just have to ride the waves. I think I can body surf at this point, my skin is so thick...

I saw this girl I went to Art school with and she told me that she is always so happy to see me because I am always smiling and in a good mood. Last night I was in such a wreck and I suppose I have a great mask. I think I developed it in elementary school when I was at school I acted like everyone else and when I went home I was always crying from being abused.

"I just feel so helpless." I just sat with my computer on my lap watching him struggle. I just don't care anymore. If he wants to be a dick then he can be a dick alone, tears at this point are meaningless to me at this point. Especially when they are punctuated with "Can I borrow your car?"

The air is crisp here. I live for fall and spring. I have to go run an errand...

Saturday October 2, 1999

I gave up my computer yesterday and am sitting up here in Kevin's apartment. He is not very happy about us breaking up but I didn't expect him to be full of glee.

They won the right to unionize yesterday, but there really wasn't much of a doubt in my mind that it wouldn't happen. That would just serve as a greater stressor in our relationship because he plans on being more deeply involved.

Great, you know. I am happy for him. I hope things work out for him. I woke up earlier today and came up to check my mail and he asked me out so we went to Lynn's and chatted about what's going on.

He did not remember me telling him I went to Chicago to see an ex. I said "I told you when we went to Utopia"

"I don't remember. I probably just didn't make a big deal about it."

"Well, it wasn't a big deal." I just realized that if I can talk to an ex and still have feelings for him then it's not working out between us. No big deal.

Maybe Michael was right in just being honest with people and telling them I don't want to be in a relationship but I would like them to be my lovers, hey, then I am sure men would just line up for that kind of treatment.

I'm also beginning to believe that Andy spoiled me too much. He was and still is very good to me. Granny wants us to get back together so bad. Both Jacinta and Andy think Kevin reminds them of Andy too.

I went to a surprise party for Michelle last night. It was awesome. My new buddy is Fernando from Madrid. He went to sit on me last night and his butt was on my shoulder and I said "Fernando, I think one of my tits is bigger then your entire ass." Everybody that was still there died laughing.

I think he has heard something along those lines. Grisha and I are suppose to go to St. James Art Fair and I think Andy is going to watch Colin so Melissa and I can go out and have some girl time.

I am going to Danville tomorrow so I won't be updating my journal for a few days.

I really hope I get this job with this company I am interviewing with next week. Well... I am going to go and hang out with Kevin for a bit and then hopefully Grisha will call and we can go do something.

I feel a lot better now that we have broke up. I am sad because I know it could have been something really nice but the events in our lives at the present moment aren't allowing it to be anything then what it was.

So... I think I am going to spend some time alone for a while. I am kind of sick of chasing boys. (Yeah... I am so sure this is going to last)

Tuesday October 5, 1999

Figures that all that was wrong with my computer was the power cord. This is so stupid. My computer eats power supplies like candy.

I am in such a delicious mood today. Driving home the weather was beautiful and listen to the ne NIN CD.

I watched a special on the Beatle's wives. It was sad to see how they treated women. I also began to understand why my mom never really cared for Yoko Ono or Linda McCarthy.

I am going to Chicago tomorrow. I'm off to see Echo now. I have a feeling I won't get to see her much in the future and then I will have to fly to New Zealand.

Bounce... bounce... bounce... I feel like I used to. When I get a chance to write some of these thoughts down I will...

Wednesday October 6, 1999

Hard to believe 2 years ago I was desperately awaiting the birth of Colin, dreading doing my laundry. I think my memory has definitely improved since I started keeping this thing. I didn't even have to look back to know what I was doing this day. Angsty about school...

Funny how much your life can change in two short years.

I went to hang out with Echo last night because she is depressed. People that have never been depressed... no, people that have never been suicidal for an extended amount of time could never understand the complete and utter loss you feel just from "nothing."

She is one of the most beautiful people I have met on this earth, and the world is a much better place with her in it. I met her on the net. I don't know who I am fooling thinking I can cut myself off from people I meet on the net that really try to be a part of my life. That is selfish and inconsiderate, and I am not a selfish or inconsiderate person.

She suffers like many people suffer. Scared of crowds.... I don't think the media was thinking about the shit they were broadcasting from the early eighties until now or my generation would not be a bunch of neurotic fucked up people that thing the world is falling apart around them. Of coarse the world is falling apart around us, but did they have to make us SO FUCKING NEUROTIC?

I know how she feels because I have suffered in such a manner. People always tried to tell me life was not so bad but I never believed them. The only person I did believe was Sydney Schultze, my Russian professor for the first two years of Russian. She told me that her twenties were horrible. I never wanted to believe that she was right but then I got older, past my early twenties and she was right, it does get better.

But when you are stuck in that frame of mind, nothing can make you come away from it. Nothing but yourself. I think mine faded dramatically when I went to Russia. I eventually got over it. It took a lot of love from my mother and grandmother, because they didn't understand. Then I started to read about how women were treated for melancholy in the 1800's and then I started to understand maybe I wasn't so fucked up and that all the shit I had been brought up to believe was a hoax that most people put themselves through just to get through life.

I don't just want to get through life, dammit. I want to feel and love and be everything that I can possibly be and after going to my grandparents the other day I realized that there is not one fucking reason for me to be having a pity party. I am fine, and I will get a job and I will have a nice life and I will always be Miss Catherine Elizabeth Clay...

I had the best time ever with Echo. I honestly can't remember when I laughed so much and so hard. My stomach still hurts. I wish I could go into great detail about what we laughed the most about... but it's dinner time!

Thursday October 7, 1999

I have an interview and Zack leaves for Berlin today. He has an interview too. He was talking to the people and I asked if they were hiring people with my skills and they seem interested in me. Plus a guy at Romac in Louisville happened upon my web page and there might be an opportunity there as well.

So things are looking up.

Every once in a while I will talk about racism. I think it's disgusting. When we would come home and hear my father talk about niggers and faggots and women like we were dirt, I begun to realize what a jerk my dad was. I never asked to be filled with hate for anyone. I suppose he thought he was doing the right thing.

I was raised to be racist but I think it's a terrible way of life. I think it's very important to fill your life with as many experiences of those around you so you can be aware of your own words and actions.

In a way I feel that since I do not hold racism as an ideology in my mind that that is good enough. I think I was wrong. Echo is Puerto Rican and some of the shit she was telling me made me sad and angry. The shit she went through at the DMV because her birth certificate is in Spanish.

If you think of it, racism is just a terrible form of ignorance.

So we were eating at Bob Evans yesterday. It was my first time and she told me that she thought that was my kind of place. Um... no... not even close. She told me how she used to work there and how they keep the old fat white women at the front and all the African Americans (I have a problem with that "title" too...) and Mexicans in back. Then she told me the glories of the DMV.

I think that the African American culture is a rich culture with many, many wonderful things about it. I think the problems that have arisen from being here can be related to the fact that European Americans tried to stifle their culture, their beliefs and their way of life. Such is the result of slavery.

I like the way the United States is spreading it's culture these days with the over saturation of the media as we move into different countries and conquer their minds with the belief that Americans are somehow super humans. That's a crock of shit. We are not all scantily clad dumb cunts running down the beach.

So... we had the explosion of the sixties and I am afraid to say it's not much better these days. There are new people to hate and oppress from living their lives in a healthy and normal manner and that is the Gay and Lesbian community. I think it's a tragedy that people who are can not enjoy the same rights such as marriage and shared health insurance plans. I read in some guys web site how he thought being gay was a choice. If it were that simple, I would choose to be a lesbian because putting up with little boys is really getting me down.

Unfortunately I am so straight. I can immerse myself in the gay community but there are still some things I can't quite comprehend because some of their struggles are not my own.

So... it all ties in when you think about it. Ignorance and hatred are not principals that these United States were based upon, but if your are foreign you are lead to believe that the US is so free in it's laws and that freedom prevails when that's just not the case. For the most part ignorance and hatred are still on the minds of her people as well as petty arguments that force this society to not move forward in it's thinking. You can watch any Jerry Springer episode and understand that nightmare.

I think the problem is that as people, we don't understand we are all just pieces to this amazing puzzle we call life. I don't think there is any reason to hurt one another... it all comes back to you anyway.

**************************************************************

"So... if I cheated on you with my heart that would be OK?" I looked at him while playing with my pita bread.

What can a man say to that? It's better if you cheated with your heart then with your cunt because the cunt is still viewed as prime real estate. We tie so much emotion into our bodies... when the spirit is ignored. It's a shame. I have discovered that I so not believe in us as a couple anymore.

I find myself thinking more and more about Roman again. Whenever I am sad or upset I just send him a note and he cheers me up or writes that we are going through similar circumstances.

I have come to the conclusion that if I could choose any man, I would choose him. But it doesn't always work out to be that way and you rarely get what you want.

Colleen and I were talking about how you strive to get to a point in your life where everything works the way it should... relationships aren't an effort because both parties choose to be there and you accept and love the people that surround you and the work that you do.

One day it will all come together for me.

I think I go back to thinking about my childhood and the abuse I suffered because I need to remember what it felt like to have no say in what I felt or thought. I go back, thinking things through and although I can understand how and why my dad did the things he did to us, I can't excuse his behavior because he wanted the responsibility of raising 3 kids. He did not know what he was doing, he did the best he could and his career came first.

Friday October 8, 1999

On the road again...

Kevin and I are leaving for Virginia today to go to a wedding. I don't know how things are going to work out but what the hey... I really wanted to fly into Raleigh and see Mikey but it costs way too much for both Kevin and I to fly and then there is no guarantee that he can be home on Sunday.

I have been asleep since I got home so now I am charged, sitting here doing my journal without any panties on. Kevin came in and I told him not to look. "I'm looking at your eyes" yeah right.

Anyways... I will be back home on Monday where I will wait and wait and wait to find out if I got a job and bust my ass to redesign a site for the Brain Trust.

I got into an argument with my landlord about this fucking heater. He told me that when I moved in if I wanted this extra heater he would put it in. Well, for some fucked up reason it's 10 degrees colder in my apartment then it is outside. And now that I have been blasting the heat since I got home it's now starting to feel like a sauna.

"Last year the tenant didn't have a problem" he said bitchily. Wasn't she the same white trash whore that I had to clean up after? She didn't clean her floors either. Cunt.

Kevin has resorted to calling me "princess". That's right... he has been on his hands and knees worshiping me so I know I am.

What's up that a girl can't get a lot of respect without being considered a princess? If I treat myself well and I treat him like I expect to be treated and then he treats me better then he treat himself but worse then I would ever treat him does that make me a princess?

Anne is a princess. When she was sick with leukemia we did everything in the world for her and now she is so spoiled, but at the same time she isn't.

Zack left for Berlin last night. Afterwards Syndy and I went to The Closet and met up with some people from work. It was fun but I was out there thinking of other things.

I hope he made it to Berlin OK.

Sigh... I really need to pack and leave now. I feel like I could write a marathon so sometime next week I can hopefully catch up on some of the experiences I have had over the past couple of weeks.

TTFN(don't you hate that?)

Sunday October 10, 1999

"You have been to the Seventh Circle of Hell!"she said with a sweet Southern accent.

It took us forever to get to Virginia. 10 hours. We had to wait for Kevin's friend, Jay, to get off of work before we could even do anything. We slept in the parking lot for a while and when nature called we went and bought Jenn her gift.

"You have a place to stay?" her mother asked.

"Yes." I replied. I didn't tell her it was two hours away.

We were late getting to the church, so I didn't get to see her walk down the asile, but we arrived shortly after that and as they were reading their vows I was a blubbering mess. My jaw was quivering as the tears I have such a hard time delivering flowed freely.

It meant a lot to me to go to her wedding. We have been chatting on the phone and on ICQ for probably a year now and we have never met. She was so beautiful in her gown, a corset bodice with the Southern belle skirt and just a hint of color from the pink roses attached to the bottom. She was wearing white sneaker underneath... the kind with the huge sole that are so popular in Europe.

The sneakers are what did it for me. They made me smile to myself because although you can talk and write each other's letters, you can only guess what the other person is really like in real life.

We stepped out of the church after the wedding was done and waited for her to come out. Since it was an evening wedding we didn't wait to toss stuff on her but I think they probably did that when they left the reception. We waited for her and then we decided to go back in.

To say I am disheartened about my camera being in the shop would be an understatement. I didn't get to take photos of her except with my little bity camera Andy's parents got me for Christmas the last year we were together. I was snapping photos as she posed for the photographer and she hadn't noticed me. Her eyes scanned the crowd for a brief moment as she awaited the next shot. She still hadn't noticed me. Smokey did, but she didn't. He pointed to me and I started to wave my hand.

Her Jaw dropped in disbelief. Kevin went on and on about it afterwards. I even think she might have been holding back some tears but she had to look good for the photos.

I guess she didn't think I was really coming even after I told her how much it meant to me the last time we were on the phone. I will never have a wedding like that. My daddy will never pay for anything like that and unless I marry a millionaire, I will never afford myself that kind of luxury.

Not long ago I listened to her on the phone, telling me how things were going with everything and I told her how much it meant to me... how she picked out her bridesmaids and what kind of flowers she was going to have.

I wanted to stay late into the night for her reception, but since I had only had a couple of hours of sleep and we had to drive 2 hours to get back to Williamsburg and then the trip today we couldn't stay. I was and still am so tired from all the traveling I have been doing for the past couple of weeks.

As soon as we got to the reception, the food was already made available. I liked that about her reception a lot, especially since I was hungry. It was there that we waited for her and there that I finally got to hug her and study her expressions. She made me laugh so hard. When I get settled in one place I hope to God she comes and stays for a weekend.

Her bridesmaid's dresses were so beautiful. She has good taste. Everything went so perfect except for when the sound system shorted during their first dance... the song escapes me now. She was not very happy. I think she wanted everything to be exactly perfect but up to this point everything had been perfect.

I think it sucks that you put so much into such an event so that while you are immersed in it's entirety, you tend to forget to enjoy yourself. I know she was enjoying herself by the way she reacted to many different things... but the music... What can you do?

She and John did not shove cake in each other's face, which I was happy to see because Lesli told me that every wedding she had been to where the couple did that they did not stay together.

The cake was yummy and the food was good and it was wonderful to finally meet her and under such joyous circumstances... it means a lot to me and it will mean a lot to her as we look back. She knew how to pack 'em too. We were lucky to get seats as we snuck in.

Kevin got to see one of his old roommates from college... I got to go to Jenn's wedding... the only thing that would have made this weekend more perfect was if I could have seen Elizabeth. I think I will have to take a week and fly into Raleigh and see both her and Mikey.

I am back to planning my life again! Do you know how hard it has been for me to do such a thing? I haven't been able to since mom died. I am feeling more of myself these days and let me tell you... it's nice for a change.

OK... I am sleepy now after driving since 3am. Kevin wanted to hang out with Jay for a while so we went shopping. We were going to leave early, like around three. HA! Try 7. I was sleepy so I slept while he did the first shift.

It's funny how guys open up. Kevin opened up to me in front of Jay and on the trip to Emporia. I still can't decide if it's too late or if I am willing to give it another whirl. He started telling me what he appreciated in me as a lover, and that was nice to hear.

When the wedding was over he started asking me questions like "Who would you choose as your bridesmaids?" and shit like that and I shuddered. I don't want to think about marrying anyone right now. Not him and not now. I don't want to be with a man that can't open up to me on a regular basis.

I think I made a mistake when he kept telling me to take him into more consideration and then I did and let him have free reign in the relationship. I hate to say this but I am in control and I am not too sure I would be happy if I weren't. No, I wouldn't be happy because I haven't had much control over our relationship since I got back from Chicago at the end of June and I let him do whatever he wanted and he still ignored some of the signs that some of the things he was doing to me was hurting me.

Well, we just have to see how things go now. He was talking about his trial and he seemed to be surprised when I acted like he knew what he was doing. Nobody else could tell it was his first trial, not even the judge, and he was so scared.

I didn't make a big deal about it. I knew he would do well but my confidence in his abilities perplexed him as much as his insecurity perplexed me.

I don't know... I am confused at this moment in time about my relationships with men. I don't have to figure it out right now either... I have to sleep.

Monday October 11, 1999

I don't see how anyone can live in New York City.

The metro or subway, indeed I now know the difference, is one of the most disgusting odes to transportation I have ever seen. I would be miserable if I had to live there and use the subway all the time.

In Moscow you at least have the dignity of seeing a work of art in just about every metro stop you go to... except for those ones made in the seventies. There is marble and lighting fixtures... I have come to believe that the metro in Moscow is one of the most amazing art wonders of the world.

Seeing pipes and black shit stagnating on the white tiled walls... how depressing. No wonder you never see it in the movies because it's just too revolting. We took the station from the Port Authority to somewhere along Broadway and to make it even more traumatic then it already was... I saw a woman that looked so much like my mother. Her mannerisms, her glasses, the way she didn't smile...

I looked over at Sam and just bursted into tears. I have not seen anyone that has resembled my mom since she died. I have smelled a woman that smelled like her, but as far as seeing someone that looked like her... I never anticipated that.

I suppose it happens to all of us that lose someone that we dearly love at one time or another. I said something about it to Kevin and he said it happens to him all the time... someone will have the same build, some one might have his nose.

I didn't tell him that it happens to me every time I look in the mirror.

Some days I just barely glance at myself. Some days I pick and prod and pluck whatever doesn't belong. I can never stare too long because then I start to wonder if mom ever had fine lines by the time she was my age or if mom had this problem or that... when her pores quit being microscopic. I can't call her up and ask anymore, and these are the kinds of questions that plague me... not like she would have really had the answers herself.

It's growing cold now and the rain that has been absent all summer now looms threatening at any moment. I have a cold now from going to Virginia. My body doesn't like for my sleeping schedule to be fucked up these days.

As we bought the supplies to come home last night, Food Lion cold medicine, blue Powerade, a Frappichino and some vivrian I couldn't help but think of high school and how I used to take vivarin to stay awake after having all night phone marathons with Justin Keibler.

I am beginning to wonder if I am just too sentimental about my memories. I started off taking photos so I could remember events because after I had brain surgery it was difficult for me to remember much of anything and now I write in this and I remember more and more. Feelings and sensations that I thought I had lost.

Jenn was so beautiful. It was so nice to see her in real life and I couldn't take my eyes off of her because I knew I wouldn't get to see her long. She did this little dance that still makes me smile now. I can't believe how lucky she was to have found her dress the first time she tried one on.

I don't know what to think about Kevin... or us anymore. Now he is willing to put forth an effort where before he was just willing to take things as they came. I don't know if I am just resigned that it's over or if I am willing to try at this point.

I suppose if he tries to impress me these days and I will totally leave it up to him, that I will give him another whirl. Maybe I am stupid or maybe I am a sucker, or maybe I am convinced that there aren't a whole lot of decent men out there anymore.

I am leaving with images from Yaroslavl and of Jan and me eating Russian food at this German looking cafe with annexoric looking Russian girls hanging out and smoking up a storm. I don't know why I miss that place so much, I don't think anyone that has been there can tell you either but she ripped a piece of my heart out when I went there and it has grown it's own life over there.

Tuesday October 12, 1999

Have you ever felt like there was someone out there just so perfect for you that you knew if you ever settled for anyone else you would waste your life away? I feel like that with a lot of the guys I have dated. I am beginning to think that maybe they don't see me for what I am, such a beautiful woman and great lover and so very accepting of so many things. You would think that a man would realize that when he has one of us kind of women... the kind that loves to fantasize of ways of pleasing a man that the man you are with would be so grateful.

I think Kevin is realizing it more then any of them have. Maybe all of them did but they didn't know how to keep me interested in them. I can't tell. There are several men that I feel comfortable with being beautiful with... what I mean by being beautiful is sharing stories and talking about some of the fascinating things I have done with my life... without them reading about it or even if they read about it and then listen to me tell it. Body language says so much more then words.

There are very few men that I feel close to that I know personally. Grisha is one of them and Mike, even though we just correspond through letters and he lets me take naked photos of him now and again, is the other. By the way Mike, you are going to be a cube.

Grisha just left and we sat around and talked about ginger and licorice and sports and drinking and porn all in one night. He was telling me about this game he played in Russia where you have a virtual screen lover and I guess the main motivation is to see the chick on the screen writhing beneath your touch.

That was funny. He didn't like the ginger I offered him, which is something I picked up in Boston last year, and he said "At least it's not licorice."

I started laughing all the while thinking... Oh fuck... I like black licorice. Every once in a while that is. I will eat the Callard and B something licorice every once in a while. I think you have to be a certain kind of person to like black licorice. The only other person I know that likes black Licorice is my brother in law, Doug.

I did not get the job in Chicago because I am "too junior level." I don't know why it makes me so uncomfortable not to have a job. I guess they dangle that damn carrot in front of you so long that when you get to it you realize it's not all it's cracked up to be and working really sucks.

So... I have been trying hard not to get too sad. I am beginning to think that if I actually do get hired anywhere they would have made a mistake.

Kevin took me out to eat the the German restaurant, he picked it... not me. Carrie was working tonight and she told me she got a job at Kinetic. I am very happy for her but then she was telling me she was going to make $8 an hour and I think I would go crazy if I had to work my ass off like that. I admire her but then again I am hoping to do some temp work soon.

I can't freak out too much... I am going to get some money for doing T.H.E. Brain Trust's site. All in all my life has leveled off a bit and I just need to calm down. I will get a job doing something because I can't stay home like I feel like I have been. I don't know how people can do it, but then when I am working with other people I can't wait to be alone so I can concentrate.

So... tomorrow I am seeing my sister and Thursday Melissa. I know everyone is happy I am not leaving again. But I feel like my options to grow as a person are very limited here. Maybe I am just full of shit but I know there are so many more opportunities in other cities that I don't have here. There are other things, like Wal-Mart, that I like know where they are. Maybe I am still very much a country Tom Boy at heart with a big city head.

Life is so strange right now. I miss my mom more then you can imagine. I am feeling very lost these days. I could always talk to my mother and she would chase these feelings out of my head. Jacinta does that as does Melissa, Zack, Andy, Mikey, Jenn, Mike, Sam, Grisha, Echo, Conni, Marie, Damian, Granny, and Lesli every once in a while. I feel like I can be somewhat vulnerable around them.

I don't know why I find it difficult to be trusting of anyone, but I do. I guess it's just the nature of humans. I think the media fosters more resentment for everything. When you think about it, why would the media benefit from everyone hating one another?

We are changing as a country. It seems that violence is down. You don't hear about gang killings much but dammit if those white boys that go in there and kill a bunch of white kids the entire world will know it.

So... so many contradictions that exists inside our political and media system that kids grow up thinking they are freaks when they don't fit into a certain social class or pattern of thinking.

I think I have always been weird. I was weird in High School because I was dealing with the possibility of losing my mom when I was 15. I didn't fuck around with pissing her off, especially after we left/were kicked out of my father's house for good.

I should have considered that a complete emancipation on my part... or bargaining for one kind of hell over the other. Choosing to be abused or get closer to my dying mother? Which would you choose? A strict life where if you made a peep past ten o'clock you were reprimanded or sent to bed, and if you didn't have any clothes of your own to wear and you stole your father's because he wouldn't acknowledge your breasts so your shirts no longer fit so you took his to wear and left them over at your mother house and you had to drive back to her house while his girlfriend gave him head in the van and the shirts were stolen by a friend of a friend staying there and you go back empty handed, his shirts missing and him yelling at you for stealing his clothes because he's too damn selfish then to buy you anything you know... something is going to happen by the anger that he is allowing to rise and as you walk to the door you a girl of 15 feel him swiftly running after you and then bending you over and spanking you and you hold it in because it doesn't hurt anymore and after he spanks your 13 year old sister behind you you run back into your shared bedroom and both start laughing hysterically.

I can't even remember if I have written about that before, but I doubt it. At least not like a slow gushing wound.

So when you are raised under that kind of constant fear... fear of your life by the time you are emancipated you see what kind of life other people were living and it's hard to understand them because they aren't always screaming and yelling at you.

Ever since I became an "adult" I have not had screaming matches. I have come close to fighting a couple of times but the last good fight I was in where I didn't control myself was with Anne. I hate being like that anymore. That kind of confrontation leads to no solution and only hurt feelings and gaping wounds in your psyche. It's much easier to live your life in a manner where you aren't going to be under that kind of constant threat.

I was like that with Andy and I hated myself for being that way. He had to love on me a great while before some of that anger went away and sadness for the life I lived. I mourned a lot for about 10 years after I got away from him and now I wonder why I would desire to go back to someone and ask for that kind of treatment again. I deserve better out of life. I give some of the best pieces of myself so freely and I expect that kind of treatment from my friends in return. I get it from the greatest of people at the most unexpected of moments. Nice gestures, good feelings and sharing are what make me feel alive so I guess I can't feel so put out for being such a giving person if it comes so naturally. But I can't imagine being any other way. My life really matters a lot to me and that is what freedom means to me. I am loved and I can love back.

Granny and Pop made me feel better today and told me that no matter what, I always have a home with them and it's nice to feel that way... to have that to fall back on because even though my mother wanted us to all have a part of her house, my brother found a way to push us away. That's fine by me now. I am sick of even caring about that anymore.

I want to care about the life I want to have but I try hard not to lose focus of the present. Sometimes, when I feel claustrophobic I have to travel and there is no solace in my life like feeling the power of that DC-10 or 737 pushing through my soul. Pushing me towards a new way of life, new ways of thinking. A different attitude.

I wish I could keep that attitude forever... pushing myself to accomplish something by the time I am 30 but I am finding that I am content with what I do with my web page and hope one day that someone will stumble across it and I can just get money to travel around and write about life. That's what I dream of doing. Have little mini cam updates about festivals going on and hold remote conferencing. Now that's something to look forward to. That's my dream job.

But alas... I don't even have any job that I don't do for myself. I need to put some kind of credit card thing on my photographs page and try selling them. I think going through a gallery is a claustrophobic when you can have this kind of press with the Internet.

Well... we will see what happens. I have a lot to learn about web design.

Wednesday October 13, 1999

I think working for Sun Micro-systems must be hell. I got one of those obnoxious forwards and I thought... hey... here's a great way to promote my site so I started e-mailing some of the addresses in a very "Sorry to intrude upon your day... blah blah blah... check out my site if you have a chance."

Well it seems like some of the people there, mostly all the women need to get that bug out of their asses or need a good hard fucking because they sent me back some of the most vapid letters (... but my hits have gone up!).

And it's my fault when I use an alias that was sent with the forward.

Wait... I've got it! Then don't forward BULLSHIT like "Microsoft is going to give you $200ish dollars." (Or better yet, have a personal e-mail account so you can do such things.)

Guess what? MICROSOFT ISN'T GIVING YOU JACK DIDDLEY SQUAT! They could give a fuck about you, Joe consumer. Just buy their products please and don't bitch when something goes wrong. That's why Linux is the bomb and MAC OS is getting there.

Aye yay yay. You would think I was planting a bomb or something... sending a mysterious voodoo virus.

So if any of you fellows are coming here from Sun, I am sorry you have to work with some of the most up-tight cunts in the world, really I am.

So I hope you have learned your lesson, Missy! Delete all the names or addresses from all of your forwards so that the people after you don't lose their privacy to dumb asses like me (which is what I usually do when I forward shit out to people) or just don't forward anything! I mean what in the HELL are the people at Sun doing so they have to send out shit about Microsoft sending them money? AREN'T THEY THE GOD DAMN COMPETITION???

I went to see Bryan Seaman (don't laugh, that's his real name!) at Romac today. He was very pleasant and has given me something I haven't had a lot of lately... hope. He also directed me to a lot of places where I might be able to get a job. I think I am not going to sweat it so much anymore. I will have some money soon... one of these days... any time now so that won't be a concern any longer.

I wish I could be a bubbling vat of enthuisiam these days... I know things will work out the way they should it's just that I would like them to work out the way I want them to NOW... RIGHT NOW!!! NOW NOW NOW.

I am sure I will be miserable once I have a job... but at least I will be compensated for my misery!

Sigh... I have to go to Lesli and Doug's. I don't feel like doing anything except working on my stuff and stuff for the brain trust. I hate feeling like this. Especially since I know it's just a malaise of the 20th century.

Thursday October 14, 1999

OH MY GOD!!! I found it!!!

Don't look now but your are stepping on my sense of humor!

There it is... right in front of you...

As I was driving to my sister's it occurred to me that the only reason that woman from Sun wrote me that shitty letter was because there must be something resembling A GAPING FUCKING WOUND at Sun. I had access to aliases that were internal? Hmmm... what does that tell you? Someone's not secure...

I mean if a hick from Kentucky can send external e-mail to an internal system... OUCH...

So... I got off on that yesterday. And then it happened... my sense of humor bit me in the ass and I remember just how much I love making people ANGRY. When I have an ANGRY hateful person standing in front of me I can see pieces of them that they never knew someone who is psychic can see. Sometimes I forget that not everybody is psychic but then tonight I was reminded of how stupid teens are when I went to the grocery with Lesli and it occurred to me... that even though I can read other people's minds to a certain degree they can't read jack shit off of me. I have perfected my ability to react to certain situations to an extremely low minimal. Which is why Jacinta told me she couldn't see how I could control my emotions. I guess I am not always as obvious as I feel.

I am starting to feel all girly again. Like I actually want to put on makeup and bleach my hair blonde again. I hate to think that maybe that will give me a different out look on life, and I vowed never to do it again but I miss my porn star white hair. I feel so... normal. Plus my hair is fine like a baby's so it won't last at the length it is now.

So last night I had a good time with my family and then MICHELLE LET ME DO NUDIES!!!!

I could not believe how relaxed she was in front of the camera and I had to use my old Pentax (please God, let the pictures come out). But she got nekkid and she was even more relaxed then Jenna. Michelle is a little muscle too. A blondie girly girl. She's Marie's best friend and and she and Jacinta have gotten really close too.

I am very happy about some of the images I made. She was a little lit and that helps more then you can imagine. She was so good in front of the camera there were plenty of moments that could have been awkward and she put me at ease and that has NEVER happened to me before. I mean I don't have a naked girl in front of me that wants to pose naked so it was nice for a change. I like photographing naked people. I think there is so much more you can do with someone naked then clothed.The perfect angle here, the light balancing on skin. It's just a beautiful process.

I am very grateful that she wanted me to do those kinds of images of her because it invokes a great deal of trust on both of our parts. I'm sure if I tried I could take naked pictures all over Louisville... wait... now there's a plan. I am sure there are plenty of people that would do that. Catherine's Erotic Photography... that sounds rocking.

Eh... we will see.

It's kind of nice, this new optimism I feel. I think everything will be all right and it will all be nice and I should just keep taking deep breaths. Not working isn't the worst thing in life and like Pop said there is always room for me at their place.

I think I had to be broke one more time so I can remember "Oh yeah... this is why it sucks!" I'm not totally broke right now, but I need a job. I'm beginning to think I need to walk into an interview and say "All right... whose dick do I have to suck in order to get hired here?"

I can just imagine the laughs I would get out of that one... getting kicked outside while all kinds of people's cards end up in my pocket.

See... I knew I had a sense of humor...

So yesterday was my highest hit day ever. I am in a good mood.

Friday October 15, 1999

I'm sorry but fuck the bitches at Sun. An ongoing saga of epic proportions still ensues in my mailbox.

I have decided that if those cunts are so god damn rancid then I WILL NEVER USE ANYTHING THEY MAKE. I am a consumer and I am going to make that conscious decision by talking about how shitty their attitudes are over there. (I'm sure I am still a topic of conversation and yesterday I had another 137 hits!) Just imagine... if you have shitty attitudes that you always carry with you then those transpire into the work that you do thus making an inferior product. (I know I have some shitty attitudes, but never about something I am willing to put my heart into.)

I will state, for the record, that the men have been great!

I will also apologize to them for working at such a shitty company that they don't have the time every once in a while to fuck around and look outside of what's going on at Sun.

I suppose they think the earth revolves around them. HA! Kiss my ass, I will NEVER buy their stock, I will NEVER buy their computers, and I will tell all my computer geek friends that they are the most anal retentive CUNTS that NEED A GOOD FUCKING. Then again, the women were probably offended by some of my material ;).

Because I'm a blonde... I don't have to think
blah blah blah blah blah and I never pay for drinks
I don't have to worry about getting a man
if I keep this blonde and I keep these (points at breasts) tan
'Cause I'm a blonde
Yeah-Yeah-Yeah

A girl named Jeanie used to sing that to me when I met her my first or second semester in college. She always made me happy and she was the star in the only dream I have ever had about kissing a girl, which disturbed me greatly and made me think that maybe... just maybe I might not be 100% cracker white as I was lead to believe.

Anyways... I am blonde again so no more I was born blonde but I grew out of it shit. I must add that it seems bleach is a lot nicer then it was 4 years ago.

"it's very Marilyn Monroe" is what Fernando said. Jacinta liked it as well. Kevin "likes red hair" but Grisha and everyone else liked it. I like being blonde... it's been 4 years.

Don't you hate when you go out drinking the next morning you wake up a 6 am?

If you haven't checked out the new NIN site you should. It really rocks hard. I think Trent actually gets what a Rock and Roll web-site is suppose to do. I am completely appreciative.

I hung out with Melissa last night. I had a really good time. She is such a good person. She told me all the shit that was going on at work and Colin chased me around the kids store in the mall. Nothing brings me more delight then his screams and laughter. "Sassy, what you doing?"

"Eating, stinker pie."

"Sassy, what you doing?"

"Bleaching my hair."

He's such a good baby. Such a good big boy, excuse me. Melissa is a good mom and he will grow up and be a neat kid.

Whew... I just got off the phone with Andy and he told me they don't use Solaris where my page is being hosted. I am relieved. Now I am starting to worry... what if I get a job at a company that I have to call one of those whores and talk with her on the phone... Andy said my life is like Murphy's Law these days and that sound like it could happen. PLEASE GOD... PLEASE DON'T LET ME EVER HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ANY OF THE CUNTS AT SUN!

Actually I think hate mail is cool. I think it's funny that I can piss someone off so much that they write stupid things to me. Whatever...

So imagine that your cousin was kidnaped. She is a good Kentucky girl that goes to church and school and one day she just vanishes. Everyone is combing the area for her. The backwards ass country fucks called the Bullit Co. police tell you she just ran off when you know this 17 year old girl... you helped water her and make her the beautiful flower she is.

Days pass, 17 to be exact, one for each day of her life and she is found one day by a woman who had been riding on horseback searching the woods. Her body is rapidly decomposing and naturally she is missing some clothes and you know that she was violated in unimaginable ways.

This happened not too long ago to my friend, Margaret Hodge. She works at my bank and she helped me get over many things by talking with me when my mom died.

What can you say to someone like that?

"Do they know who did it?"

Shakes her head "No but we think it was the neighbor. He has been caught doing things to his children and the day that she was missing he sat on top of the hill and yelled down to her mother 'your home early!'"

This is when all the horror of Ph.D. Holmes' class SEX CRIMES kicks in for me. All the shit that people do to get off and shit really fucked up people to other people. How sick does one have to be to sit around and desire torturing someone?

She went on..."we used to play in that yard. We would go to Grannie's and run around in the wood. We kept trying to think of where we could look for her next..."

"you hear about these things that happen to other people but you never imagine they could happen to you."

Don't tell me that shit... Three people in my family all had cancer, two diagnosed in the same year and I had brain surgery. NOTHING like any kind of horror surprises me at this point. I can imagine things that are going on in Kosovo and what kind of sickness all that bullshit is going to bring to future generations.

One thing has been proven as far as I am concerned and any person that was stuck in a concentration camp is going to be fucked up and cause some problems later on. I can't remember the leader I can't remember the article I can't even remember the fucking country but one of Hitler's little gems did the same thing to some of his own people.

I was very sad for Margaret. I still am.

I can't help but feel the way I did when Tanya would read my journal way back when and give her condolences for my mom dying and then her niece got cancer and beautiful little Hannah died. It cuts right through me because you never know anything.

I am getting to the point where maybe I can plan my life longer then a month. I can't think in years or several months because I had that luxury stripped away from me at an early age and all the shit that I have been through has kept me from ever coming much further from that way of thinking. It's very juvenile, I know, but something always comes up and plans always change. That's the beauty of life.

Saturday October 16, 1999

Andy and I were having a conversation about my hair. "Does it look better now?"

"Better?"

"Yeah.... what do you think of it now?"

"Well, it looks like it did when we first started dating."

"But does it look better?"

"Cathy.... that's not the question. The question is 'Does it make me look worse?' It doesn't look better... just different."

I pondered this little thought for a second and then said "I can say that about most of the men I have been with. " It's not that anyone is necessarily better then someone else... just different. I don't think if I had attractive men that still flirted with me on a regular basis I would feel attractive. I think that any woman likes to have several admirers.

I also am a woman that knows I can find wonderful lovers. I know many wonderful men, not all of them straight, and they are so kissey and lovey with me. It's such a relief with a certain kind of gay man... because there are many different kinds.

Vlad will sit there and just hold my tits in public. We are at Chance and he just reaches up in this fag bar in Moscow and starts groping them in front of all his gay Russian buddies. They all gasp because I am sure it has been ages since any of them felt tits and it brings back a certain kind of memory because many gay men of the generation before me had to act straight every once in a while so they know the power of the boobies

I was thinking on the way to Indiana that I should write about some of the changes I see going on... like 10 years ago October would have been rather chilly. I have been wearing shorts all day today and it's the middle of October. If you can't tell... the greenhouse effect has made a big difference.

I can remember when the atmosphere wasn't so bad you had to wear suncscreen all the time but I try never to go out with some kind of lotion with SPF 10 in it. I am of coarse neurotic about my skin and I still can every once in a while pass for early twenties. Of coarse with every passing day I can see fine lines on my face... not like Anne's. Mom didn't wrinkle until right before she died and lost all that weight.

So... there will come a day when like in Robo Cop when these people have to cake on sunscreen to go outside. There will come a day where SPF 30 seems low.

So... I can say that most of the men I have been with have just been different with very few of them being worse. I am beginning to think that many sexual dis-functions of females stems from this bullshit media we have. Going to Europe and getting laid when I was not my most attractive by many men has lead me to believe that you can enjoy just about anyone in bed. Some people you know are good for you sexually and some you know just plain suck. I suppose Kevin is an excellent lover for me. He always waits until I say "I'm going to come!" breathless and moany before he goes and I haven't had that too terribly much.

So Kevin and I were talking on the way to Indiana. I asked him what his favorite book was as a teen and he told me it was about this boy that got sent to a boarding school and his adventures. "I read it a dozen times." He said dreamily very fond of the notions of what can happen in a boarding school that you can't get from the standard public education.

"Um, Kevin... have you ever known anyone that went to a boarding school?"

"No."

I smiled to myself as I answered "My dad did." He went to Baylor in Chattanooga... which was a military academy. That's how rich my grandfather was. He sent 3 of his 5 kids to get "proper" educations. I was talking on ICQ with Barbi and she was raised by hippies and she said I was raised as a "rich girl" and you have no idea what she was saying to me.

Rich meaning being neglected? Rich in that I never had nice clothes to wear to school? Rich that I got to raise myself and my sister because my dad never remarried while we were growing up so all the women he brought home ignored us and didn't try to bond with any of us? People that are born into a wealthy family have a really, really fucked up view of life. They feel like they deserve to have the things they have and they don't have to show any appreciation to those that made sure they got there. My mom tried so hard to love us so much so that we would know what it was like to be raised in a loving family and when my dad filed for divorce papers he told the judge that he couldn't understand why she quit doing his laundry (because he was too fucking STUPID to operate a fucking washing machine is all I can figure).

I was not raised the way my father was. He had nice things. We were accessories to his lifestyle. I think through him I got a full dose of male egotism about how women were to be objectified by men and there is nothing you can do about it. I would watch him relate to every woman I met through him and he was soooo sleazy to all of them and now he is representing women in sexual harassment cases. It makes me laugh so hard.

I tried and tried to think of a good dad story to write in here every once in a while and I FINALLY thought of ONE... but it's only funny because of the end. Dad is a big AC/DC fan. When I was 13 they came to Louisville Gardens and my dad took us to this concert. I was going through puberty, my tits were evident, I felt so weird going to a rock concert with my dad. I told some people at school and this one guy, Chuck Kurtz, kept telling me how much he would love to go to that concert. Dad's fuck buddy at the time decided she didn't want to go (God, I don't even remember her name) so we had an extra ticket and I called Chuck and for some reason, he couldn't go. I met another boy there though who I saw last when I was taking my last photo class. Brian was his name... Anyways dad wanted to go to this concert for one reason and one reason only. He wanted to hear AC/DC perform Livewire. Of coarse they didn't play it and that's what make me smile to this day... I can remember one time when he was denied some pleasure from this world because he has never had a time of it. He has never suffered continually the way he has caused others to suffer.

That's why I do not see myself as a "rich girl" because I have suffered so much and I do it so gracefully at this point. There have been times McDonald's was a treat. I ran out of gas on the expressway more times then I ever care to remember.

One time I was driving this huge tank of a Cadillac. I hated that thing but it was the only thing I could drive at the time. A mouse crawled up in it and died in the engine or somewhere so all you could do was smell it rot and wish it would snow so at least it was frozen. I was driving this car once when I ran out of gas right at the top of this one hill where Jennifer Childer's lived. She has been the girl I have known since I was in second grade but the last time I saw her was at mom's funeral. Anyways, I lost control of the car right there and pulled into her half-circle driveway out of gas. Her dad came out, thank god her mom wasn't home because she hated me, and took me up to the Shell and got me a gallon of gas to get home. I was so embarrassed. But I was just 17.

It was hard for me to have many friend in high school because I was always sad about my mom being sick. Wearing black and having porn star white hair... So Jennifer couldn't deal with my mom dying. Funny thing is that her dad got lung cancer and died before my mother. She tried calling me and I feel bad now because I was willing to let her suffer on her own because she hurt me so much but she was there for me when my mother died. She is a social worker now and she is married. She found out after he dad dies that she had 4 other half-brothers and sister that her mom never wanted them to know about when she and her sister were growing up. That makes me sad. Kind of like when I see other people that are close to their cousins... I never had that with my family and I miss it.

So... Now I'm grown up and I can look back into certain situations and know why certain things happen the way they did... I think another reason I didn't want to be around Jennifer at that time was because I was not ready to deal with my own mother dying quite yet, and I knew it was coming.

Sunday October 17, 1999

After much thought and consideration I have decided that I AM going to use Sun products. I think I may even go out of my way to do so just so I can say to those bitches that all the work they do goes into supporting someone like me... he he he...

I think that would chap their ass off more then anything. Puritanical goody-goody sluts.

If you haven't gotten the latest season of BUST, you need to run to the store or order on-line. It's so fucking funny. It's like Cosmo for girls like me. Fuck the vanilla sex bullshit, these ladies test out condoms and rate them. I will say that I do not agree with their rating of the ROUGH RIDER condom. I love it.

I also think I am going to pull videos off the Internet and start rating them. Fuck MTV and thank you Trent Reznor for putting We're in this together on the net so I can watch it at my leisure and take screen shots of him on my computer and obsess about how wonderful he must be because he knows ME.

Gisha and Sasha came over last night. We had a really nice time. There is this horrid doll that was left here by the girl that was evicted before me and my nephews always find him and play with him. Well Sasha held it up and pointed to him and said "This is Grisha." I started to die!

I looked all around my apartment then for a Sharpie(every photographer has one if they are a real photographer) so I wrote Dr. Grisha on his belly with the i being a little dick. I know he is reading this now and is probably not very happy... but Dr. Grisha is hanging from my ceiling fan now. I went to write Grisha in Russian and I misspelled it on purpose so it read "GISHA."

Kevin was not laughing because he didn't get it. He was laying on my bed reading some magazine with his nuts hanging out of his boxers. When I learned of this wonderful little surprised I was so embarrassed. "My legs were closed and my nut sack wasn't hanging out when they were here."

Uh-huh, Butthead, whatever you say. "Does this mean when YOUR friends come over I can wear something with my nipple hanging out?"

So yesterday was a very good day. I bought another cake pan because I forgot I had gotten mom's when she died and I thought I didn't get it. I did buy a marble rolling pin and other things that reminded me of her kitchen. I have been thinking about her a lot lately... I think I want to watch the tape I made of her again. I think I am ready for that.

When we were at the heritage festival yesterday Nate said his mouth was bleeding and when Lesli went to look I was saying stupid shit like "Let's run you to the emergency room" and "I guess we are going to have to cut it out" and then I saw it... I wanted to puke and I am sure my face went white because there was something really wrong with his mouth. It looked to me like a molar was abscessed or something but Lesli said it was just his gums.

I hope he's OK.

So that was nice. We went to the park when it was still pretty. It's nasty outside today and I am going over to Melissa's. Maybe we can go see a movie or something.

I got my papers to start substitute teaching until I get a real job. "Good Morning, class, I am you sub from HELL, Miss Clay. If you don't behave I am going to string you up and beat you senseless." Yeah yeah, you know I am really a softy.

******************************************************************

So I have been thinking about my conversation with Andy most of the day.

I have come to the conclusion that the reason I have had nice sex for the most part is because I usually want to have sex. I think there is this big hype to keep women chaste or something so she will never know that what she thinks she feels for a certain man can not be felt with someone else.

That's bullshit. I felt something nice for most of my lovers and they are special to me. I am the reason the sex was so nice. I enjoyed myself for the most part... there are just some men that are more loving to you and I have found that the more loved I feel by a man the better I fuck.

I have been trying to think about good things about Kevin and he has been kind of better to me lately but I know it won't last forever. I don't want it to because there are some things I am not willing to accept in a "partnership" and would rather be alone. I have been alone many times and I don't think it's as hellish as people make it out to be because there are all kinds of people out there so it's nice to get a random sample. I know I don't want to be with a doctor, that would suck or a lawyer. They work too incredibly hard and have very little free time. No one ever said they wanted more time at the office on their deathbed.

But last night was nicer then ever. I wish I could say no but it's nice having someone to be with every once in a while.

Monday October 18, 1999

Today had been a decent day. I got on ICQ and some of the people I chatted with weren't happy but I tried to cheer them up a little. I was in rare form by the time Kevin got home. I would even go so far as to say I was in a really good mood.

Then we went to the grocery store and had to run his big fucking mouth and ruin what ever yummy feelings I was having.

I hate being dependent on anybody. It is a real problem for me and as we were standing in line I asked him to buy the beef for the Chili I was going to make (as I was buying my own damn groceries) and he said "Look, if you are going to buy groceries you buy them yourself."

"I already bought the ice cream and Honeycomb (for you)." Fucking dumb ass.

See, this is where I hate men. They have this attitude that if they do anything somewhat nice for you then they get something in return, or even better, let's saddle you up with a bunch of shit and then dump some more on you for good measure just so we can control you.

"You know, Kevin, when you say shit like that, it really hurts my feelings. You know I don't have a job right now but when I do YOU WILL NEVER PAY FOR ANYTHING. When you didn't have a car and bummed rides all the time I didn't complain." And why didn't you complain you may ask?

Because I am a dumb cunt that likes to be with men that don't appreciate or recognize anything I do for them. Fuck that, I am not doing that shit anymore. This is some bullshit societal thing like some entitlement clause men were born with because they have a dick.

I would like to think maybe it's just the guys I date, but I am beginning to see that my grandfather and my brother in law are the same way. There is no escape! Women are stupid enough to love you for being this way! I guess it's an endearing quality that we all look for.

The older I get, the more I feel like I have a right to be taken care of. OK... that's it. Cathy has had a good go of it, things have been pretty shitty so now she is going to find someone that actually gets off and being good to her. She's going to have a Pollyanna existence from now on and life will be grand.

I was really hoping it would work out with Kevin but the further along we go it seems like more of a struggle. I expect a little tension every now and then, but I do not like a man to undermine my confidence in myself. I don't think anybody does. Plus this just goes to show me that I can never feel comfortable depending on him for anything.

On the up side I got several responses to my resume so I'm happy about that.

And Sam wants me to fly up to Boston next week.

Maybe I am just being hyper sensitive but I don't think so.

Besides when I think about being alone, I get all happy and my heart feels free.

Maybe I should go to Danville for a while.

Tuesday October 19, 1999

She pressed the mug to her lips, feeling the uncomfortable warmth that lay beneath the surface. Her mind wandered back to the night before last. Life seemed somewhat different then. Wrapped in each other's arms in a fit of ecstasy she shuddered underneath him from torrents of pleasure.

Every thing was different now. Like she stepped out of her body to watch what was going on. The chill of the air seeped into her wind breaker.

Earlier that day a friend had revealed something about her character that she did not realize. Something that the friend had said was not a good thing. A value judgment. Her boundaries had been disturbed as she was growing and that's why she behaved in such a manner. Her friend thought it was necessary for her to know what was wrong with her. Reminded her of the time another friend told her she was too honest, and that is not an admirable quality as an adult.

She did not want to hear this shit. I'm sure there are people out there that can say many things to her about the way she lives her life, what she says is wrong and what she does is unacceptable but who are they to say anything? Had any of them walked 1/10 in her shoes?

She blew on the liquid, thinking more and more about herself. Contemplating the "truth." Suicidal thoughts danced across her ego. She closed her eyes and a tear rolled out her eye.

Thoughts back to previous conversations never finished, feelings never felt. It all just stood there like a puddle, waiting for the next rainfall to fill it back up with fresh rain.

The other day had been better. She was starting to feel comfortable again.

Feeling worse, not different with him made her self-worth decrease. She could make herself feel more accepted alone. Could be happier by herself but always wanted someone's hand to hold.

She looked down at the grave of her dead mother and remember just why she was uncompromising.

***************************************************

If you expect too much from you partners, you may be disappointed. Try not to force situations. Understand that your enthusiasm is contagious, and may even be overwhelming to others (like it's not overwhelming to myself). You may shine with a brighter light then you realize. You don't have to compromise, even in the slightest instance. Others recognize you leadership, creative ability and strength of Character. This can lead to special offers, contracts, and opportunities. People are noticing the way you show your power.

Who said horoscopes are bullshit anyway?

Wednesday October 20, 1999

She took her seat in the expansive empty theater next to him. She had been told by many many people that American Beauty was a movie she would enjoy. She watched as the plot unfolded, scared to fall in that middle-class existence herself. No life. No joy. Just existing. She knew the main character was going to die because he stated it while she watched him jacking off in the shower.

She smiled and laughed quite a bit... teenage tits and ass. She drooled over his ass. She watched as the final climax began, knowing it was the last day of his life. Ever since her mother died she was reluctant to see movies where people died because it brought back fresh memories and the acting usually sucked.

Like that time she watch Dying Young while her sister sat in bed as the chemo ran through her veins. Julia Roberts had never been around anyone that was dying. Neither had Mr. Scott, but now George C, his father, is dead. She left that movie feeling confused and angry that she was cheated because she had read in the book that the main character had died as she stood in the Wal-Mart book asile which no longer exists.

As she watched the wife fall into the husband clothes, she began to sob uncontrollably. She had to sift through her mother's clothes on the front porch a year ago when her brother and white trash sister in law took the honor and dignity of allowing her and her sisters the appropriate manner of grieving.

She ran to the bathroom and sobbed on the toilet. She looked at her eyes when she was done and for once they were red. Her blonde hair a streaming mess around her shoulders. She twirled it and tied it in itself.

She took his hand and they started talking about what it was like for them to lose a parent. He told her again what happened. His father went in on Friday and was dead by Sunday. He regrets that he went shopping with his sister instead of seeing his father one last time.

"Do you live each moment like that? Like... something can be taken away that is so precious to you?" The whole point of American Beauty.

"No."

"I do." Not having the luxury of a story tale existence she knew that each Christmas meant something then just her brother throwing a fit over what their mother had done to fuck up dinner. A sadness had resided in her heart that has never left her to this day. The sadness stemming from the realization that nothing has permanence and everything matters to her.

He was driving her home when they were stopped by the bright blue, yellow and red lights. The cop was doing what he does best, being a dick.

"I can arrest you for breaking this blockade."

"I know, I'm an attorney."

"I thought I recognized you."

"What's going on?"

"Bomb Threat." Blondie wasn't lying then. This wasn't the first time it had happened on this street. It wasn't her first bomb threat, either. The first one came in Moscow the first days she was going to MGU. The next was while she was at U of L, surprisingly enough.

"We've got to move." she said under her breath. "I suppose we will go to get a drink like you wanted to."

He was opening up to her a little more. Talking about his family and what it meant to have so many people running around.

They got to the bar and she saw so many people she knew. The Kastner boys. (When did the youngest turn into a MAN?) She pet his shaved head and kissed it because she still saw him as 14 and still a boy. Beth, someone she usually saw on Thursdays, was there too. Lorie and Carrie were there too.

Lorie was so full of life. She would sit and talk to her after her mom died and she would tell her all the bad things going on in her life at that time. She was very different then before. Not so solemn. She drank 3 Blue Moons with orange in them and laughed and delighted herself with Lorie's Florida escapades. "People in Florida are PSYCHO.... not the natives, mind you the people from up North."

It was late. Late enough so the cops went away. They got ready for bed, the day before just a fading memory. She took him deep inside of her. Moaning, gasping enjoying how he made her feel. He tried to ruin it with "Isn't it funny how sex is just pushing and moving a little in and out." She wanted to tell him that sometimes it was the little steps that mattered the most but her mind was on her own pleasure.

Thursday October 21, 1999

	She held the photos in her hand, carefully sorting through them. This one made her laugh at herself because she looked like such a goof. That was this past summer at one of his softball games and they had both been hot so they jumped in the fountain and she was soaking wet.
	They got a little crazy with the recyclable Polaroid. She liked this image of her the most.

They went out last night to Sparks but that was dead so then they, Kevin, Sasha, Grisha and herself, ended up at the Mag Bar.

They walked around, the atmosphere thick enough not to find seats. She saw someone that used to call her kitten... a nick name over 10 years old because the first time she met Liz, she was meowing the meow-mix song in Burger King. That's back when Liz was a skin head. Now she is a social worker with a 2 year old running around the house.

It was weird going out these days... shifts in people she knew from a much earlier time. Sometimes absent, sometimes present always someone though. Going out has gotten to become a drag. There were only a few people she wanted to hang out with when she did go out and the others... She wished she could go out with Melissa like they used to before Colin. If there was one thing she could have again it would be nights out with Melissa.

Grisha was the most fun to be around these days. Sometimes when she didn't want people to understand what she was saying she would shout across the table about this girl being a blat or that guy was grasne. He was just as much fun as Melissa had been...

She still saw Melissa that way. Kevin didn't. He saw her as a mom. She saw her as her mentor... sitting in the pool sipping wine coolers until daybreak. Talking about what it meant to be a woman. Talking about the classes she had when she went to Western. This was before she had traveled anywhere and riding on the back of a moped all summer in France sounded so incredibly romantic. Especially when she got to the part about how they never... and then he died tragically and the hope was forever taken away.

She helped her and encouraged her through school. Taught her how to drink so she wasn't so un-lady like. Taught her how to be seductive, where her mother never could. Taught her what it meant to be a woman... in so many ways from where before she was just a Tom boy.

These days they cried at stupid TV commercials and thinking about how much her baby had grown in the past two years. He was totally worth it too. He was such a joy to be around and watching his devilishly charming personality emerge made her smile to herself a lot. The kind of smile she knew he would use on her to get his way or to try and convince her of his innocence.

Monday October 25, 1999

She couldn't sleep. A hot bath, a little drink, lots of water.

Thoughts racing through her head faster then the speed of light... shit from the NIN message-board, the brain trust, the Michelle incident, substitute teaching, Melissa's shit, poor Echo, Mike Jasper, laundry and of coarse her mother and father.

She remembered how happy she was to be free from her father. But he was the one that taught her to assassinate a person with their own words. Not many people stood up to her character test... no one is perfect but for the most part she felt like she was a good judge of character.

But through time people tend to change.

She thought of the impending doom awaiting her in less then 5 hours. Stinky children, the putrid yellow bus Zack detested so greatly, cafeteria food. All there just waiting for her to show up.

She thought of her mom. Mom never taught at this school. Mom taught elementary art and her children won national and international awards. Mom used to take chemo in the morning, teach school during the day and hold the barf in until she got home.

No one on the planet could ever be a greater super-hero to her then her own mother. She took care of two critically ill TEEN AGE girls. What would you do if you thought both your children would be taken away from you? One from something wrong with her brain and the other from the same kind of disease slowly taking her own life away. How do you begin to articulate the grief you feel in your soul to your best friends that don't have children?

Mom would publicly embarrass her by announcing to anyone she would meet she had cancer within the first five minutes of conversation. The same way she whispers "My mother died 2 years ago in February." or "I've had brain surgery. My little sister had leukemia" to people she will never meet.

I represent events that are to transpire in your own life some day. Some day, your mother will be dead. Some day some one you love will have cancer. Some day, your body will betray you. Some day you will realize that you are all you really have and the best gift you have to give is your love.

She read an article in Bust with Janeane Garafolo. She mentioned losing her mother a couple of times when she was 23 or 24. Her heart stopped the first time she read it because it reminded her of when Supermom died. When she read it again she realized that she wasn't so crazy to be thinking about Supermom a lot. That all women who lose their mothers, no matter what their age, still miss their own Supermoms.

She thought of not so superdad and what he put Supermom through. She shuddered to think that there could be a not so superdad for her maybe children which is why becoming a good judge of character was essential to who she need to be.

So far she had found only super-lovers or super-losers. But she yearned for a Superman to match her Superwoman persona. Sometimes she wondered if aspiring for a Superman was a goal so unattainable. Other times she thought of settling into domesticated oblivion.

She could never live through her character assassinations. She was keen on other people's lies but it was her own inconsistencies that would cause her to fail.

Tuesday October 26, 1999

They had another tiff. She hated doing the dishes and was sick of the argument. Things were suppose to be improving, not getting worse and then she got the most amazing letter in her mailbox.

He said many things to her. Things to make her heart flutter. Things that made her cry. Things she dreamed so much about. He was tapping into her unrealized fantasizes of traveling to exotic places on a boat.

She thought and thought about him. It seemed so tempting. It seemed so right. She could still smell the salmon she made earlier. Someone with a past almost as interesting as her own. Someone with drive. Someone that had an idea of what life was all about.

She had been entranced with such men in the past. Had her heart sliced up and served to her in a dish... the pieces she was willing to have served back to her on a platter.

He offered her a fantasy that seemed like it could be a reality.

She thought back to earlier in the day. Being the substitute librarian had not been what she had imagined. They assigned her to the art room. As she made her way to the art room her stomach was in knots. The smell brought back so many memories of her mother. She choked back tears when she sat alone.

The pre-teens were more of a challenge then she was ready to contend with. Half of the classes were great. One she had to get some help with from the noise level. The last class of 6th graders was the icing on the cake. One little boy unconsciously said "fucking" while he was coloring.

She didn't turn him in, but instead called him "F-boy" for the rest of the period and as he was leaving she took his hand and in permanent marker wrote "I used the F-word in Art today" delivered with a menacing heckle as he complained that it wouldn't come off.

She imagined him at the sink the second he got home desperately trying to wash it off before his mother saw it.

Her mind wandered back to the letter. She had so many things she had to do... but liked the idea of running off to Tahiti in a sailboat with some strange man.

Wednesday October 27, 1999

"I can't believe you would break up with me over something as petty as not doing the dishes." He said arrogantly.

It wasn't the fact that he didn't do the dishes, that was incidental. It was his attitude about doing the dishes that pissed her off. That attitude of white male entitlement that most men once you began to share living space began to show. I'm too fucking lazy to clean up after myself so here, woman, you are a woman and you will do it just like my mother wiped up after my ass.

Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. Her time is just as valuable as yours and if you are too much of a cock to realize that then you can fucking do your God Damned dishes without her in your fucking life. She started doing dishes when she moved in with her father when she was 7 and have had to do them ever since especially since he allowed her felonious brother to sit on his big fat ass watching TV.

Preparation for the only thing women are any good at. Cleaning up and fucking. His whores he paraded in front of us never did anything but fuck him. she had even asked one once to help her with her math homework and she had said no so she automatically assumed they were all uneducated.

But the dishes were incidental. If he was making a big deal out of doing the dishes then what would happen in the future if there was a fundamental problem they came across. This was a bridge she didn't care to cross. There are some things she was happier being blissfully ignorant about and this was one of them.

"Well at least you aren't the one sitting up there facing 20 to life. That's stress man." The little guy said in the back seat of the car as they drove to Judge Roy Bean's(the food is too expensive for the quality).

"Oh please, neither one of you have had real stress. Real stress is being told that you may not live through an operation. (Or watching your mother die for 10 years)."

"You always have to play THAT trump card, don't you?"

"That's because it beats all the others. Every time, every place." That's when you start to realize how precious your life is to you. That's when you really start living.

She realized that he was sweating the small stuff more then she was. Even though she was making an ordeal out of the dishes... that's the kind of shit that adds up through the years to further resentment.

She was sitting on the toilet thinking of her sister and her battle with cancer. The seven warning signs were apparent with the bruises that never went away. Her legs were covered in a frightening display of her blood attacking her body. Just as magically as they appeared, as the poison dripped through her veins, the bruises magically started to disappear within the first twelve hours. Before she lost her hair. Before she got sick. Before she was hooked on .

Lesli, their older sister, said something the other day when they went to the heritage festival. She said that Anne had become so neurotic about her life because anything could have killed her. Anne used her disease as a finely skilled surgeon cutting into Pamela Anderson's breast does. She knew how to hurt us.

When she was sick, she couldn't do the dishes. They would have killed her.

Thursday October 28, 1999

Her choice for president is Bill Bradley. He has his pulse on the heart of the world. He is married to one of the most well rounded women she had ever read about. She learned in Surrealism about Jung and how people present how they feel about themselves by the mates they chose. She knew that none of the men she had been with to this point have made her feel about them as she did herself.

Someone that was thoughtful and caring while being honest. Someone who thought before he spoke. She had been with enough men at this point to realize that there is only one type of man that can please her and that's something women have forgotten or never understood. It's something women like me have been cheated from. People like Echo and herself. Jenna even. Women that are such deep feeling women that only a deep emotional connection can satisfy us. Conni is learning. Other women I have become friends with are starting to listen more to themselves, their bodies.

I get several letters a week these days thanking me for being so open and honest. That there is no other way in life to be. Sometimes when I am in a relationship I think that I would die if I were married. I think I would. It's not that I can't trust one man, it's that so many different kinds of men bring me all kinds of pleasure. It's not just in our bodies, it's in our souls. Maybe this was what they call soul partners. I have met people that have very strong souls but they are not attached to me.

Sometimes my feelings run really deep with someone, like there is an immediate connection and when I feel this way with someone in a letter or just reading what they are writing then I am floored. I know if I can feel that with a stranger that I should feel this way with my mate and sometimes I just wonder. I have been wrong about some people, some people will live in my heart forever and other I will never forget no matter how much I try.

Friday October 29, 1999

Halloween, Halloween Halloween!!!

It was her favorite time of the year. The crisp night air. The smells of the freshly decaying leaves. The colors were the best mother nature ever intended them to be because in birth all colors are muted. However in death you got to see the absolute beauty.

How does a photographer choose a favorite color? She looks into the sky at the brilliance of the sun filtering through translucent leaves. The bright, clear sun gave the orange leaves their luminosity. She's like to believe they were changing just for her pleasure.

Her car broke down today. Two blocks away, a very warm walk. She had on the same long-sleeved shirt she wore earlier this day which was now very comfortable. She read the book Andy got her on Python as she walked.

She was numb from hurting. It wasn't suppose to be like this. They got into it once again. "I can't keep riding this emotional roller coaster."

"Neither can I."

"I can't go from 6 days of being good and one day of terror. I'm under so much stress at work."

Then quit. Everyone else is. Those people just three months ago you thought would be there for you to fight forever. The ones you were so happy to call friends... they were just friends of circumstance.

Being a PD is not worth the agony. Falling into a pit of despair over a client that was busted and facing 20 years is not your personal problem. You have to cut off your emotions.

"Never let them know how you feel" her father's words rung through her head heavy as the broken Liberty Bell. He was referring to dating and men. An attitude he had to develop in the Army that transcended into his personal life.

How does one cut off their emotions... like Lorena Bobbit to John Wayne? Does one just hurt so much that the feelings grow numb inside their soul? She could not control her emotions but only wear a mask to hide them from the outside world. He told her that he could "be mean to you" tonight. He had no concept of what he was saying to her. She could be vile and ugly as well, but made a conscious effort not to be these days. Life is too short.

She thought of that color she saw as she looked up into the sky. The one you can only see in autumn. She clung to that memory and remembered a slide she had in her work that captured some of that brilliance.

It was over and they both knew it now. Both tired from the lives they were leading and the people that were in it. Something had to change or they would take it out on one another and neither one wanted the other to see just how bad the other could be.

But now... it's Halloween! Two parties in two nights. One here, one in Chicago. She gets to see her baby this weekend!

Saturday October 30, 1999

She thought she was being funny with her costume. She put two of her photographs together and went as "art." Naturally they were the gigantic ones of two men wrapped in each other's arms.

IT was the party to end all parties. She saw so many people she knew from former lives. She marveled at how small this community is. People from high school. People from college. Melissa even saw 2 people she knew from Boring Green. (one who was a recent victim of a heart attack at 32... from too much cocaine) Kevin got his named called out when we walked Melissa to her car.

She saw the Bradley twins. Mom had taught them art in elementary school and somehow she came to their circle of friends when she was 15. She and Mitchell had made a pact when they were 19 that if they didn't have sex by the time they were 25 then they would be with one another. They were laughing about this when someone came up and told them the cops were there and they had to go.

Roxell was there... Mr. "I can get any cat to smell my finger" as was Chase who was her next door neighbor's cousin when she lived with her father. Heather's, the cousin, mother died from cancer over a year ago. Then there was Mary the new photography professor who she was going to chat with but Mary was distracted. Donovan and his brother Erin who was once married to Trisha who was the bitch that dumped her in Paris and wrote her number down wrong so when she was stuck in Perm she couldn't reach her. Tom was there, who she had met at Zack's MFA final exhibit in Chicago for the first time. He was one of the people running the show. Stephanie Shull, whose brother she had had a crush on when she was 16 and he was a 6'7" thirteen year old.

Ben had accidentally erased the video that was to be playing in the background as they performed but that wasn't even an issue because they didn't really have a chance to perform and he was the reason she was there. She was very grateful to him for inviting her because her past was reflecting back to her in so many different ways in this warehouse party/home.

They probably could have hid down in the basement and stayed. Grisha showed up as Melissa was leaving. They had to go back home and pick up some drinks. She was so sad that the party ended like that. Like Boo 2 last year.

She had a really nice time.

But today she had to get her stuff situated for the party she was going to in Chicago tonight. And a job interview on Monday. What could she be tonight? Her corset was MIA... in one of her 'special places' so she would know where it was at a later date. The older she got, the more she reminded herself of her mother.

Sunday October 31, 1999

She felt his anger as she sat down. Sore from having him inside her. She now realized that the only way she could be free from him was to move. But for some reason she went back for another hit, like a drug.

It happened after she missed her plane to Chicago. This was the second time and that last time she did this she went back home and laid down to ease some of the stress she felt at her own stupidity. She loves being brain damaged sometimes.

That afternoon had been magnificent. He rollorbladed as she rode a bike. The nicest bike she had ever ridden. She got on it and pumped away, as silent memories of popping wheelies on her dirt bike as a 10 year old girl. There was no way she would attempt such things as an adult. She would stand and pump like she hadn't for ages. At least since someone stole her bike her dead mother gave her over a year ago. The consequences of the bike ride were compounded.

First her ass was sore today since she has a bony ass. The kind of bony so when she went to sit down on metal bleachers she was always uncomfortable since the metal was usually cold and caused her to become cold all the way up. She was jealous of her sisters' darriers deeply. She also wondered as she was riding why any woman would go in and have the fat sucked out of her lips. You could never ride a bike again because your clit would be too sensitive and the pressure would cause a great deal of pain. She surmised that this society was completely fucked now.

The other consequence was that after 2 short hours at BOO3 she passed out. Her reasoning was sound at the time... she was drunk and the strap-on that was the main attraction to her 'COME N GET IT' costume broke when she tried to take it off to pee.

Try as she might through her drunken haze she could not gather the energy to rise but slept on a spiky pillow to the constant queries of other party goers concerned for her well being.

Her costume was a hit though and while she was conscious she helped Andy Dick, AKA Zack, bartend. Everyone raved about her costume outside some girl came back in and told her. She walked up behind several people and buzzed them with her electric cock. But that was after she added Syndy's 'realistic' cock to her costume so everyone could see something there. She didn't think that black leggings would camafloge her strap on so.

But everyone she buzzed laughed sincerely and she met a lot of people this way. Colleen and Syndy... they were gross. Their costumes were great. Syndy looked hot with her penciled in mustache and Colleen scared her she looked so fucking greasy. Coco was Lara from Tomb Raider and after a water balloon enhancement she looked the part perfectly. There were vampires and werewolves and Hello Kitty. It was the best party she had been to since last night and she cursed her body for succumbing to it's necessity for rest.

She thought of some of Sam's famous words and how people that have had brain surgery don't exercise because there are other things we would rather be doing with the same energy. She would remember that next time she had a function to go to.

Pure
Photography

PHOTOS\

Dr. Block's

Nature

Cubes

Europe

Portraits

Fantasy

Dying

Kazantip

Birthday

Russia '96

Russia

London '99

Stills '98