Wednesday
March 1, 2000
I went
to the store to get some chicken because I promised the kids
that I am subbing for that I would make them lunch. I was frying
the chicken when I heard someone run up the stairs. Jim Bob
and his friends, I thought. It was one AM and I hadn't been
home that long.
I thought
to look and see who it was but something inside myself told
me not to open my door. Meanwhile, Jim Bob was on the floor
in his momma's bedroom on his knees executioner style while
these two black men were robbing him.
I heard
someone leave and then Jim Bob and Blondie came down frantic
to use my phone.
Telling
Jacinta earlier today that I was packing my shit up and moving
could not have come at a better time. I am just sick of it all
and I just don't care anymore.
The cops
came and took a report. They stole Jim Bob's keys but left his
car. I guess when you drive a Chrysler Sebring convertible this
is one of the dangers you run into.
"The baby
was perfect, he didn't cry or anything." Blondie looked at me
with the kind of desperation only a grandmother can give in
such a situation.
Fuck it.
I saw Drew, an old buddy from the Mikey years at Kroger. He
wished me good luck on my move to L.A.
After
registering for dice.com
and getting at least 6 jobs a fucking day in the L.A. area I
decided that's where I want to be. Anywhere but here. I will
leave next month. Jen said I could stay with her until I got
on my feet with her room mate Syndy. I asked Jen if it would
be a problem if I left her number in case people want to get
a hold of me and she said that was fine. I wasn't about to make
the same mistake I did with Zack.
I find
myself dreaming more and more about living on the beach, or
waling on the beach every morning. I am sure there is much more
happening out there and I can always come back to this hell
if I need to, but something tells me I will never come back
to live because I haven't the desire... at least not now.
I wish
I could organize my shit in a better way, so when I come back
to get my shit it won't be such a pain in the ass. I guess I
will spend time at the storage facility this weekend weeding
through shit and organizing it so I can put my shit back in
it.
I have
really made up my mind to do it now, and I can't see anything
really stopping me now. I love myself more then I love the people
I will be leaving behind and Jacinta and Milli told me with
huge grins they would come out and see me.
Oh life...
the man I am subbing or is a big fucking redneck that has a
Deer head hanging on his classroom wall. The kids are Behavior
disorder kids and I would love to shake the genius's hand that
scheduled their lunch at 1 pm. By eleven I am sure they are
starved. I had an assistant, Ms. Bell, and she is one of those
strong African American women that I have come to admire so
much. This teacher lets the kids have an hour where they get
to play Playstation, which I find just appalling. At least these
kids can read. I let Ms. Bell have control for the most part
of the room. I think she was relieved to have sub that listened
to her.
I told
her that I have been to 13 different countries and I can fit
in just about anywhere I go but there is one culture I can't
even pretend to be a part of or even understand what it is like
to be and that if I were a teacher and I had an aid that was
as involved in these kids lives I would do my damnedest to utilize
her experience and knowledge.
Tomorrow
I am going to insist again that she go back to school and get
certified because we need strong teachers like her. I have encouraged
several women to go back to school and whenever I look into
their eyes during or after they finish their course work, it
makes me happy to know that I did have a positive influence
on those particular women's lives.
And you
have to think just giving them a little encouragement makes
them feel the power they have within themselves. Plus if I could
graduate and they know how hard it was for me to complete my
education then I am not going to let them use any kind of excuse.
I mean
a lot of different things to a lot of different people, and
if I had to choose one thing I meant to most everyone, it would
have to be...
Monday
March 6, 2000
Let me
tell you about my crazy weekend. It wasn't that crazy to start
off with. I went with Kevin to Kathy and Ed's and Kevin likes
to think he is oh so much smarter then everyone because he was
smarter then members of his family. Well isn't that special?
At one
point I asked Ed a question about something and the answer was
Mussolini. After he didn't get it right I looked at everyone
and said "Oh... you mean you weren't forced to watch Hitler
special on PBS every Sunday night?" My dad was fascinated with
Hitler, a regular neo-nazi himself. I think he was disappointed
that he could never wield that kind of power politically but
believe me he emulates him every chance he gets. (When Melissa's
beau was getting a divorce I told him to go to him and he told
me that while he was sitting there he heard him screaming at
people in the office and called him "Hitler" and I hadn't said
one word to him about this).
Kathy,
Ed and I all kicked his ass severely. It was too fucking funny.
Kathy passed out after she had 4 pieces of pie and she still
kicked his ass. We ended up sleeping over at their place and
I decided that I do love the intimacy I feel when I am in a
relationship but I certainly don't enjoy some of the other shit
that goes along with it.
Saturday...
what did I do. I had my hair done and thank God Kimmy is now
going to be a mommy!!! She didn't do my hair... another girl
did. I went out to eat with Andy for lunch. He took me to Applebee's
and we sat and chit chatted for a few minutes. Then this lady
came in and the rest of the time we were there I had to have
been red from laughing so fucking hard.
You know
when you are out in public and you get cornered by people that
have no sense of themselves and have no ability to get over
anything and like to brag a lot about what is going on in their
lives even though they are miserable? That was what this lady
was like. She was completely WHACKED. I looked over at Andy
and begged him to tell me that I did not ever sounds like her
when I talked about being abused as a child. She was bragging
about how her husband made 400K last year and how she was 41
and didn't look like it. She was one of those people that had
stringy hair and thick glasses that wasn't really attractive.
I hate saying that because I like to find the beauty in all
people but people like her just really irritate me.
Andy assured
me that I wasn't that bad. I told him if I was to please shoot
me.
The server
was held captive until I turned around and very irritably said
"Can I get my brownie?" but I was just trying to rescue her.
She told the manager about her and he came up. He asked how
everything was going and I just started laughing. Later when
he passed me he shot me a glance from hell. She held him down
for about 20 minutes. She was from Pennsylvania and so on and
so on and so on.... "People from around here just don't understand..."
I swear
I don't fucking get people. If you move from another part of
the county, naturally people aren't going to know jack fucking
shit about where you came from. Except for me, of coarse. Everyone
knows about the Kentucky Derby and Kentucky Fried Chicken. Why
even my friends in Russia had heard of the Derby!
Anyways
she was really getting on my nerves. I walked back to the bathroom
and spotted John, the manager, and said "I don't feel sorry
for you."
"Well
the server told me blah blah blah..."
"You should
have never have gotten that woman started. "
"I fully
intend on going back and checking on her just like I check on
you. I need to hear more about her abusive childhood blah blah
blah..."
"If you
want some interesting facts why don't you ask her about her
sex life?"
"EWWWWW...."
and with this one Ewwwww I knew he was a queen. "I don't talk
about that with people I KNOW." I just left him laughing at
the prospect of this scary woman having sex. Sounds to me like
she really needed to have an affair because her husband wasn't
paying attention to her.
We came
back to my place and moved some big things to my storage area
and spent the rest of the afternoon tossing shit up into the
loft so I could move my shit back into storage. I don't think
I will ever feel completely moved into a place unless I no longer
have a storage facility and I have my own house and that doesn't
look like that's going to happen too soon. We got everything
arranged in that Andy's an engineer kind of way. I have to respect
engineers for that, at least they love order.
Then we
came back here and I asked Kevin if he wanted to go eat at the
International banquet which I must say Andrea did an exquisite
job on. WE went to high school together and I was glad because
I didn't have a ticket and Mili and Jacinta weren't there yet
but she let us in anyway. They arrived later but there really
wasn't a ticket for Kevin even though there were just a few
empty tables. It was the best International banquet I had ever
been to at U of L. I was very impressed and the food was so
fucking good. Tandori Chicken, beans and rice from Egypt, Someone
made sushi that I didn't get to try, there were empanadas, Paella,
Chole, Mashae, and many more culinary delights from around the
world.
Jacinta
and Mili wanted me to be there and Mili bought my ticket. He's
so awesome. I got to meet his momma too, and that made me sooooo
happy because I had this deep seeded respect for her for all
the amazing things she has done... leaving Bosnia with two kids
and going off to live in Spain and then bringing them here...
it's made me very happy to put a face with all the stories I
have heard him tell.
Kevin
left and didn't stay for the entertainment. Mili and Jacinta
dropped me off and I took an hour to get ready and I watched
Mad TV. I was so happy to be out and dancing, but I grew
weary before 1:30 and came home. I saw many people I used to
hang out with... it was kind of weird.
On Sunday
I met a couple for lunch, Pat and Terry. They were so fucking
awesome. They bought me lunch and they wanted me to do photos
of them and since they are starting fresh they really don't
have the money so I looked at Terry and I asked if he had a
truck and he said he did and I said that I would be happy if
he would help me move some of my shit so we left Lynn's
came back here and moved my desk.
The first
thing to go is my desk. Once that is moved I don't really care
as much about the other stuff, just toss it in a box and go.
Kevin came in last night and noticed it was gone. I don't think
he really believes me when I say I am moving to LA. I have nothing
here... NOTHING. I take that back... I have a lot of great friends
and my sister and her family but other then that I am dying
from the lack of nothing.
Although
that all changes as we all know good and well. I was so happy
that I got my desk moved that I told Terry and Pat that I would
come by and we could do photos that night. They were excited.
I went to mom's grave after we unloaded my desk and read 50
pages of Beat 'em at Their Own Game which is a strategy
for playing blackjack which will be on the shelves probably
next week. I am designing the web site for Mr. Simm's and decided
to finally sit and read through it. It was such a beautiful
day yesterday in Kentucky. I threw a blanket down and just read
next to my dead mommy. When I got a little sleepy I wrapped
the blanket around my body and just dozed until I heard the
bell ring at 4.
Terry
had told Pat I was a receiver. While I laid there I half dreamt
of all kinds of situations. I don't think I can ever have a
house near a graveyard because the dead carry way too many unresolved
issues with them, yet another reason to remember why I should
never commit suicide.
I woke
up and went to Lesli's and hung out with the boys for a very
short time and told Lesli I was moving. I think I am going to
move after Derby because the only reason to be here in Ky. is
Derby and it's not like I won't be back later this summer for...
So I came
home after having one of the best and deepest conversations
with Terry and Pat. Sometimes I get disillusioned with men and
the way I know things should be versus the way things are. He
is 53, a year older then my mom when she died and he didn't
look a day over... 41... They are in so much love it's just
scary. To have someone feel so much for you, to have someone
to hold you tight and make you feel like they are never going
to let you go. To meet someone that could possibly meet my brain
damaged libido! It was very encouraging to speak with the two
of them and watch them interact because that's the way things
SHOULD be instead of this societal bullshit that people allow
themselves to become.
He writes
her poems, he paints for her, he cooks for her and she for him,
just such sensuality and such care and oh my god they were the
LEAST inhibited couple I have ever photographed. Usually when
I have it hit off so well, I don't ask if I can use the photographs,
especially since I have been burned a few times. But when Pat
asked me if I would do a web page like I did for Jen, I almost
started crying because it made me so happy to realize that she
was going to allow me to express myself that way.
I got
my computer back today. It appears that they have had to replace
the fucking sound card for the third time... I am so happy to
have my baby back!!
Tuesday
March 7, 2000
I'm going
to have some spelling errors until I either start using dreamweaver
or I could write in Word and that would be that. I don't know...
I feel like I get some of my better thought s out when I write
on the server but on the flip side when I am more concise when
I think it all out.
I got a
message from me mate, Peter. He's been with me since the beginning.
His father is now dying of brain cancer. I know it just fucking
sucks because when you hurt like that there is nothing that
can stop the pain. He wrote me today that he couldn't understand
how I could go through that shit for 10 years with my mom and
then write about it everyday.
I just
felt for him like I used to feel for myself because that shit
really hurts.
I'm hoping
to escape today...
Wednesday
March 8, 2000
I think
you can tell a lot about a person by the way they code their
page... When I look at people's original code and I know it's
done by hand it makes me excited. I used to think everyone did
it but I have found out otherwise.
Kevin
used to make fun of me for being the bigger geek because I used
to watch Dr. Who with Andy.
Driving
through the mountains is a lot of fun, especially on I 40 east.
I took the long way to Greensboro yesterday and this morning.
There is so much solace in driving through the mountains even
with the earth is dark and still. The road around Asheville
is very demanding. There is no relaxation and it's like driving
an endurance course. One of my favorite landscapes passed me
by as I drove past 1 am and it was about 80 truckers going by
each in an individual rig. I wished I could have taped it.
I think
I just wanted to get lost so I could drive my new '94 Honda
Passport that I got today from the man I am doing web design
for. It's a great SUV. I have never in my life driven what I
consider a really nice car that I hope won't break down every
time I go out. I used to drive my mom's beat up Izuzu and then
I got my first car which was a Citation that had 35K miles on
it and was used primarily by an old fisherman that was going
blind. Then when that broke down, I got the Le Mans,
which has started it's slow decent into hell. I have had cars
break down on the expressway and run out of gas. I got a gas
card as soon as I was on my own so I would never not be without
some way to get gas if I absolutely need it.
So I got
to hang out with Mikey's husband, Gordon. We never got to hang
out a lot in Louisville. He's a really awesome guy. I am glad
we got to bond some tonight. He told me he actually got to see
my censored show before everything was taken down and that made
me happy to know someone had see the show before it was ruined.
I am exhausted...
Thursday
March 9, 2000
I had
a bad migraine today. I was supposed to head to Va. today but
I was just wiped out. All the driving, hanging out with Mikey
and Gordon. We went to Durham today. Gordon is so much fun to
hang out with. I think both he and Mikey are very blessed. We
ate at a Caribbean restaurant today and it sucked. We shared
a platter of Jerk, Cattorchi Chicken and some goat. The goat
was full of bones and the Jerk chicken was too. I had some soup
as well and I just kept thinking that Cafe Kilimanjaro
was so much better.
We came
back and I just felt so yucky. I had to take a nap when Mikey
came back home. I feel somewhat better now, but still a little
sick.
I am very
happy with my SUV. I got a deal... a really great deal.
Saturday
March 11, 2000
And the
bloodiest cunt award goes to Miss Catherine Clay. I am sure
you might think it's gross that I talk about being on my period
but I don't really care whatcha think. It's my bloody cunt and
if I want to talk about her like the drippy, sore mess that
she is then that's my business.
How can
you tell you have some of the coolest parents in the entire
world? You can go to a titty bar with them. Jen,
her husband and parents, Tracy, Christine, Doug and me all went
to the titty bar last night.
It was
my actual third time ever seeing a women strip. Some of them
sucked, some of them did things with their bodies I have never
imagined. We had to go to North Carolina since the strippers
in Virginia have to cover their nipples.
The older
I get the more I realize Kentucky ain't so bad. Girls in Kentucky
can get totally naked.
I LOVED
hanging out with Jen's mom. She is the same age as my mom should
be and has the kind of attitude towards life my mother deserved
to have but was refused for whatever reason.
But so
far I am having a really great time in the seventh circle of
hell... the kind of time I will never forget.
Tuesday
March 14, 2000
So it
doesn't feel like I drove 11 hours by myself. I did get a little
paranoid driving my SUV through the mountains this time, I felt
it corner badly and could feel the wheel protest as I was going
too fast. I think if I had a lot of weight in it then that wouldn't
have been a problem.
That was
a much needed vacation. I feel rejuvinated and ready to take
on the world now!
Mikey
and I blacked out the Honda Passport and wrote CATHERINECLAY.COM
in it's place. I had a fucking great time with her and with
Jon and Jen and I got to visit Elizabeth too. I learned more
about her and that means a lot to me. I know this may be hard
to believe but I really suck at communicating with people. I
wish I didn't suck as much as I do but part of me figures as
long as I keep updating this then everything is OK. I know I
get on my friends for not talking to me enough but I guess it
goes both ways.
Jon...
what a man. He made me laugh like no other man has before. He
is a state trooper so he is so straight and you know I am so
not straight that it was funny for me to ask him questions and
have him respond to me the way he did at times. He washed my
Honda while I was there after he washed his car and that almost
made me cry. No one has ever washed my car for me.
We stayed
up late and talked a lot. It was the time of my life. I can't
wait to see them again. My heart was sad when I left all of
these people because I knew next time I saw them my life would
be different.
I came
back and Kevin got off probation. He was talking about going
on vacation at the end of this month, which he desperately needs
and I think he wants me to go with him, which I can't figure
out why because I told him it's over and I am packing my shit
up to move. Having a car that hauls a lot of shit really helps.
I guess
I need to call it a SUV. I am going to work on several different
designs that will change with the day of the week for my site.
I feel like it has gotten to the point where I work on it continually
and then I stop for a while and I think the next time I start
doing some major shit to it... I was happy the other day when
Andy and I went through my shit in storage because I found my
first "official" diary that Lesli gave me in 1996 to fill out
while I was in Russia.
God...
my mind is racing. I can't sit still!!!
Thursday
March 16, 2000
God...
I am so tired. I think my eyes have been on this screen for
the past like 20 hours in the past two days. I have been doing
maintinence and re-designing my index. page. I don't want to
think. Mr. Simms called me yesterday and told me they wouldn't
be printing his book for another month so I am relaxing a bit.
Plus with
Joe's help I have been trying to get a guestbook on my own page
so now my entire site will be self contained. I think I will
keep the stats from extreme tracking although they are not as
accurate as the web logs Andy keeps for me.
Whew...
God there is nothing going on and too much of everything.
How do
you describe yourself when you run into old classmates when
they as you what you have been doing?
I think
I am going to use this paragraph again and again. I had brain
surgery after high school, I watched Anne go through leukemia,
haven't really had a relationship with my father, held my mother
in my arms as she died, graduated from College with a BFA in
Photography and a BA in Russian. I have spent three summers
in Russia, I speak Russian fluently. I went horseback riding
in London with my sister and one of the other people just happened
to know my aunt. I went to a live sex show in Amsterdam, puked
up octopus in Madrid, bent over on the streets of Venice, met
Jan Saudek in Prague, was the only American at a big rave in
the Crimea, was in Russia when the market fell in 1998.
And now
I am a loser that can't get a fucking job in Kentucky and I
have to leave.
Lesli
doesn't want me to go. I spent time out there when I took some
stuff to storage. She was much happier to know I was going out
there with Jen and since Jen is from Oldham County then that
makes things a lot better for some reason.
Nate was
so happy, he got paid $5 for being good in school When we were
all calm and he was sitting in my lap I told him that in 2 years
if he stays really good then I will put him in my lap and we
can go driving.
"I don't
think I can be good for that long. It's just that I get the
wiggles."
I calmly
explained that everyone has the wiggles, we just let them out
when we get back from school. I also told him that I let out
all my wiggles so I am not as socially acceptable and that I
would prefer that he would not have to go through what I have.
I mean,
I can't really blame him for acting up. School is such a joke
but at that age it's so necessary. He has to learn how to control
himself.
"Nate,
you have to learn how to play by the rules before you can break
them."
Kevin
got off probation so when I talk to him he is always talking
about where he is going to go on his vacation. "I'm going to
go to Seattle."
I don't
think I should talk to him much anymore and I think I need to
start hauling ass to get out of here.
Friday
March 17, 2000
Happy
St. Patrick's Day.
