Thursday
February 1, 2001
I put my
hands on his ass as he is pumping away inside of me.
"Talk
dirty to me."
He pumps
a little more. He is silent as usual. Finally, he is thirsty
and he talks dirty to me all right, calling me a bitch. I hate
it when a guy calls me a bitch when we are fucking. I think
it's always a turn off. Maybe it works in pornos and with some
men but for me... I prefer something a little more...
"What
would you say?" he asks me.
"Well...
I would tell you how good it feels for you to be inside of me.
That when you reach the back of me you are touching a part of
me that... It makes me open up like a blossom. (Florent means
blossom which is why this is more of a turn on to him). I feel
you deep inside of me.
"When
you start to slam it in me, I start to have a more powerful
orgasm. But naturally I need to be warmed up for that, I can't
have you slamming inside of me kamikaze." Deep breaths
and moans punctuate my speech from the pleasure I am receiving.
Touching his little jellybean but and feeling the muscles contract
inside of me bring me closer to an explosive orgasm. His head
is touching mine which also makes me come a lot harder.
I think
about how lucky we have been. Sure it sucks that the car is
broken down but we fuck every day. I didn't really want to work
when he was sick because I wanted to be near him so we would
have the energy to fuck everyday. When we started working our
sex life took a nose dive and I don't want to go through that
shit.
I keep
trying to think of ways we can spend our time together. I think
I need to learn Java. We need to have a home office but I feel
this need to try my hand at being a stand up comedienne. I feel
the need and desire to do many things.
I told
him we should go to Mardi Gra. It's kind of on our way back
home. I also told him that things aren't so bad off... we aren't
as broke as we were when we first got married. If this had happened
then, we couldn't afford any of this now.
I am used
to living poorly... well kind of. We have been eating out a
lot lately. My belly is expanding from the food we have been
eating and the lack of exercise. It's kind of driving me nuts.
I am sick of being confined to my car so when we finished eating
earlier I sat in the car and cried and cried and cried. I am
so frustrated. I want this journey to end. I don't want to go
back to Kentucky. I don't want to deal with the shit I know
I am going to have to deal with. I just want to feel somewhat
normal again but at the same time I know being normal will drive
me nuts.
Maybe this
is too codependent but I don't relish the thought of spending
much of my time without him. We get on each other's nerves every
once in a while but when we went to K-mart I could tell that
I was going to miss him for a while when I lost him.
He once
called the cops because I wasn't answering the phone and he
was stuck at work. "Baby... I even called the cops 'Do
you know where is my wife?' They looked on their computer to
see if you were involved in any accident..." It was kind
of heart wrenching to hear him tell me that later that night.
It's funny to have someone worry that much about me again. I
was so used to kind of doing my own thing and not having to
feel like checking in but at the same time I do relish the idea
that someone loves and cares so much about me.
Saturday
February 10, 2000
When
we last left our heorine she was in peril in Kansas Shitty.
Back two spaces and $1300 for car repairs. Broke broke broke.
Spinning out of control in a way. Spinning from being so in
love. I really spend way too much time with my husband's cock
buried deep inside of me.
Information
about everyone. Everyone freeking out. When we got to Illinois
my head started pounding. I kind of determined then that there
was no way I was ever going to come back home. My friends
are all involved with their own lives. I haven't gotten one
wedding gift from anyone. I feel bad because Susan and Matt
got me something for Christmas and Lesli and Doug got us an
ornament. I got Anne a horse in Yalta while I was there and
I haven't gotten anyone anything.
This
isn't me, is it?
Jacinta
telling me Kevin was really fucked up over me getting married.
I was really surprised since he once told me "why buy
the cow when you get the milk for free?" I don't know.
I think I am too in love to really notice much of anything
anymore. Maybe for once I would like to put my tragic past
behind me but sometimes I feel like I pulled an angel down
into my hell instead of getting out of mine.
Florent's
not perfect, but he's perfect for me. I fall in love with
him every fucking day. I can't believe it. I can't stand to
be far away from him and I really don't like to be seperated
even when we sleep. It wouldn't be so bad but he feels the
same way about me. One time he even called the cops when we
were in San Francisco because he couldn't find me because
I left my phone in the car.
"Um,
don't call 911 when you have a missing wife because it's not
an emergency."
I'm
sorry but I can't help that I would rather nurture the love
I have for my husband then stick around here and feel so distant
from who I have become. It's nice being here because I realize
that this is not the life for me and now I am more determined
to make something of myself when I go out west.
I
paid my car payment and my insurance. They were 2 months behind.
This isn't like me. I don't like doing this. I am ashamed
and my now I feel just what it means to have a credit crunch.
I have always had good credit... once I was 20 something...
and then I have worked to keep it good but now...
I
don't really give a shit because I unbearably belive that
things work out the way they do for a reason. And now I have
my skills tuned up pretty well.
Jacinta
and I met at the coffee shop the other day. It was the longest
I have been seperated from Florent with a friend since Jenny
and I went to Tijuana. I don't know if this is a real problem
I have in being like this or if I should just take it like
it comes. I think I should take it as it comes because if
I start thinking the way I would when I was here I don't think
I would have had half the experiences I had when I live in
San Francisco. I like having a lot of shit always going on
and I don't like to start it with my husband because I would
rather always love on him.
"You
remember when he peeled back that layer off his brain?"
I ask Jenna last night after seeing Hannibal.
"Yeah."
"That
was the membrane that held the cyst inside my brain."
But my cyst was on the inside squishing my pitutary gland
into a little nothing.
"So
Dewey says that it's better to cause yourself to have a problematic
life because you mature" Jacinta continues. The more
I start thinking about it the more I agree.
"The
longer you go" I whipser into his ear "The better
it feels. It's like a drug." I moan.
I
am addicted. I love fucking with life. I love pushing myself
to my limits and so does my husband. We are an unusal couple
I think because it's obvious that we were meant to be together.
I think it's obvious we fall in love each time we stare deep
into each other's eyes. This is what I was waiting for.
I
can always think back to times when I wanted to die. And ashamed
of the attempts I made. I am ashamed because I knew this existed.
I could feel it. I knew how I was supposed to be treated,
and what I wanted from a man. I wasn't sure he existed but
he's certainly my price.
I
lay in my "princess" bed dreaming about a house
in Marselle that has been in his family for ages. I have glmipses
into who he really is and I know this is not really how he
is. I accept him for who he is completely. I feel he feels
the same way for me but I think we see the flaws in ourselves.
He is not open minded so much. Wait... he sees himself perfect.
I'm the bitch for pointing shit out to him.
It's
honestly a balanced relationship. We give each other a lot
of shit but we love each other so much. I never knew this
would be the easiest thing... I dreamed but I never knew...
nothing could prepare me to fall in love with my husband and
nothing has prepared me how much to love him more and more
each day.
What
a strange thing love is. It makes you forget a lot of pain.
It heals up a lot of hurt and makes you realize that who you
were before your met the person you love isn't necessarily
the person you were meant to be. I feel like a "savage".
Florent calls me one. I kind of like the idea of being a savage
because I know without me he wouldn't have done the things
he has done and at the same time I know that without him I
wouldn't have been able to do the things I have done lately
either. Life is strange that way.
I
saw a sign coming from Kansas City I think. It was a quote
that said "When you are going through hell, kepp moving"
--Winston Churchhill. I can't be here because life is stagnent...
