Wednesday August 4, 2004
"I turned fifty and thought to myself "That's it?"
Oprah would never show her cootchie. Oprah would never take naughty photos.
My nerves are on fire. I think with MS they would call this a flair up. I am wearing my burn suit. I am hating life right now and adjusting to my newly disabled status.
I am not happy with Josh and I need to tell him. We went to see his brother this weekend and instead of ensuring that I was sleeping in a good spot we slept on the floor. I can't be sleeping on the floor. Royalyn told me that she is pissed at him and since I still haven't recovered from what happened I think she is right and I need to communicate to him that if he can't take care of me I can't be with him because I am trusting him with my life .
Thursday August 5, 2004
I have slept most of the day.
Dr. Chong called me and asked me a couple of questions so I could file for disability.
Last night by the pool we met a couple of people and it was so awesome. We talked about what was going on... note to self... I need to get some money so I can go to the Congress of Neurosurgeon's event so I can be like... look you dudes... you need to come together and figure out what the deal is.
Josh came by after work. I wish I could write about how awesome the sex was last night but I am going over to Olga's.
Friday August 6, 2004
It's happening on a wider scale. All of us are suffering in the same manner.
The sleeping is driving me nuts. I did not take elavil and forgot to pack a medicine baggy for Joshy's sleep over last night.
"Don't you ever fuck me over. I'll never talk to you again."
"I am not like that, Olga. Life is too short."
"Still you need to write Sandy a letter and ask her for the rest of the money. You had a contract. If not take her to small claims court."
I wasn't expecting that from her but she is over that relationship. "How do you get rid of a girlfriend? You can't just quit calling her."
Don't ask me I just leave the fucking city and start all over again in the sprawling metropolis of Los Angeles.
LA Social Club. This is my newest novel once I get the other books out of my head. I am going to have to get used to dictating my thoughts to a machine so I can save my hands.
Monday August 9, 2004
Oh fuck I am wasted. I feel like I have been hit by a truck. I had this weird dream where I was pulling shit out of my ass. There was a house, a car and all kinds of cool things just stuck way up in there and I had to reach up and pull it out. It was miniature sized and then all of a sudden it was huge.
There is a lot going on now and not much of anything. A psychiatrist from Malibu answered my female ejaculation ad but I'm a little leery of teaching him that because he is going to teach his clients, which makes me unhappy. He also told me that he would put me in front of one of the professor's at UCLA to talk about sexuality. His address is malibupsychiatry.com.
If I show him what I know then he gets what he want but if I hear from his friend that just graduated from med school that ALSO has an AC then God Damn...
Mirium just found this website brainrepair.ca. I wonder if Kim could go there to see if they could break her out of her shell.
Josh came over after work and he fucked the shit out of me. I hate it when that happens. Buzzy is here now so I should quit being rude.
Friday August 13, 2004
Fuck Friday the 13th... it's the 12th you have to worry about.
I was diagnosed with Syringomyelia yesterday. I knew I had that shit.
Sunday August 15, 2004
"I'm not having a baby for you!"
I'm shocked. She is such a bitch when she wants to be. Fuck her then. I will have my own baby. Maybe I can contribute one more thing to society. I need the stem cells and as Dawnette said I can one day tell my baby it saved my life.
Josh told me he loved me today.
"Dez's boyfriend also has a brain disease and he is pushing her away. I am sure he is just scared but what do you think about that? I mean you really want to go through this?"
"Well... I love you baby."
"I love you too."
We went and saw the Human Body exhibit at the Science museum.
Friday August 27, 2004
Buzzy is next to me and we are watching the Olympics. Royalin is asleep in my bed with Colton. I am going to watch him when she has brain surgery again. I don't know how much he is going to like it.
"You're doing a good thing, Catherine Clay." I love Buzzy.
Buzzy left. We had a great time. I painted her toes. I put on a mask after the jacuzzi because my pores were open and looked nasty. I put the green one on and came out and scared Colton. It was so cute.
I've been so sick. Cedar's wants to study me now. They wrote a while ago and asked to study me and they said they might have meds but they won't pay for my treatment. I am certain now with that diagnosis that I will get the care I need the rest of my life... as long as I fight for it.
I'm so happy I have my computer now. It makes a world of difference to be writing and now know there are eight full years of my life and I have accomplished so many things in those eight years that I am to the point where I don't care so much about my deficiencies but more for my strengths.
I may not be a super model, Madonna or an athlete winning a gold metal but I am Catherine Clay. One of the greatest women who ever lived with a crippling disease, figuring it out for myself and fighting until I found a great doctor.
I picked Royalin's doctor for her. Dr. Michael Levy. LA lost a great mind to San Diego. He does AC surgeries on the children and recently wrote two articles on ACs and I didn't even know that. He told Royalyn why she is having problems with her brain and spent a long hour with us. I loved being her advocate. It really makes my life worth living to sense such things pass.
Life is really strange.
Josh left for Burning Man today. We missed one another and haven't had sex in a while because he was working working working on shit for Craig. I would go nuts like that. I am not cut out for that kind of life.
I really liked Dr. Levy. I could feel his heat. And something naughty happened when a Malibu psychiatrist came by for a lesson and he ended up showing me his cock and I touched it. It was bigger than Josh's and I so wanted to fuck him but Josh was coming over for lunch. He rolfed me a little and it was delicious.
Royalin has never been faithful. I'm glad I am not the only AC patient like that.
Jerry Springer's show called. I made up a story to try and get us on but that won't happen. Royalin has to watch her kids and I can't think of anyone that wants to be the boyfriend... Zorba has to work. Josh is at Burning Man. It would be so much fun to have that Jerry Springer moment I wrote about so long ago...
Anne called me to tell me Aunt Sue finally died. I hate how the Clays have drug her back into their lives, suffocating her life and bring her to a place she can't stand being.
"I'm taking it harder than they are."
"Anne, you have already been through it!"
"Dad called to say 'We had good times before Jimmy was a gleam in your father's eye.'"
I dropped the phone. "I HATE HIM!!!! I HATE HIM!!!! I HATE HIM!!!! " I screamed. He never did that for me. No flowers for my mother. Nothing. Fuck him.
She hung up. I don't know why she has to do this shit to me.
I call back. Blah blah blah... and you won't have a baby for me in case I need stem cells. Why in the fuck should I care about you? I have my own life now. It does not involve hicks screaming mad at me but more like a Rock and Roll fantasy. My best friend is notorious. My boyfriend works for The Frequency and everyone I meet these days is in the Industry.
I know I am supposed to love my family more than anything but this is bullshit. I'm fucking dying and have been for a long time and I don't get support when I really need it. What's that all about?
People just want to live their lives free of conflict and I see to welcome it.
I called Josh Crying. Spilling my guts about how my father ruined her life, had her stripped searched, all the abuse and issues that I have been dealing with because I was so mad at Josh for not making time for me on his vacation. He showed up the night before I went to San Diego with Roses. I still didn't fuck him. I am hurt that he thinks it's ok to give me the dregs of what is left from his hectic schedule.
So now I am smoking a bowl, enjoying myself wondering if I will be with another lover while he is gone. I hate being such a bitch but when we fight really bad I always get satisfaction fucking around on him when he is a dick and does stupid things.
I told myself one man would never have a hold on me like before. Besides... I'm fucking dying and am going to end up in a wheelchair. Life ain 't going to be peachy.
Apple did my request and put Komeda up. I downloaded What Makes It Go? There is so much truth... it's been like this for ages of coarse. I think there is something wrong with my brain. I think I love too many people or love in them all the things that I can't love in myself? Is this what life is all about?
Being thanked for being a brain tumor activist was awesome. I loved it. I wish I could make a living doing it. This computer is a little slow... more memory and ... fuck it. I am happy to have a laptop. and a PC.
