Wednesday September 1, 2004

Buzzy stayed the night last night. We smoked dope, watched Kill Bill Vol II, ate popcorn and did her laundry and naturally sat in the Jacuzzi.

This morning I couldn't handle it anymore so I opened my computer again and stuck in the memory. My machine is much happier and except for the G3 Chip this machine is faster than my old computer.

I made a decision to go to Costa Rica for the winter. Richard told me he was going so I told him I was going. I am sure I can find a more than decent place to live in for $900 a month and be in the Tropics.

That memory upgrade made the world of difference.

My cock-sucker father went to my Aunt Sue's funeral and didn't talk to Anne. I hate him. Priority #1, finish my damn book. Now I can scan shit and do all kinds of things.

Now I am on the phone with Roman. That was just what I needed.

Thursday September 2, 2004

"What do you mean? Can't you go by the insurance? I was on her health insurance!"

"I understand mam but we need those tax records."

"My spine has been rotting for the last 15 years and I have been misdiagnosed all these years and you aren't going to help me?"

"I'm going by what the director told me."

I cry for a few minutes and then ask if I should call the IRS and she tells me yes. I call the IRS waiting to hear that I was not on mom's dependent taxes and then I ask the lady "Can you tell me if there were three dependents?"

Thump-thump.

"Yes there were three."

The pain from everything I have been feeling lately comes to the surface. I start sobbing uncontrollably. "You just made me one of the happiest people on the planet." FUCK YOU Teacher's retirement. YOU WILL have to give me some bucks like you are supposed to.

I'm going to Costa Rica for the winter. All those years of poverty paid off. I will never be totally broke again and suffer like I have been. Then... I get into a fight with Anne.

can I please ask you to do me a huge favor?
ill do my best -a
please don't tell me about Dad anymore
well i try not to -a
I don't have the emotional reserves
thank you
1:10PM
will you please not constantly talk about you having a disease -a
I can't help it Anne
I'm dying
well -a
alright -a
im done-a
ok
dont chat me if youre going to talk to me like that -a
well I have been crying all day
and I don't get the emotional support I need from you
well what kind of emotional reserve do i have -a
so if you don't want to learn about my disease or try and help me through this
fine
do not talk to me like this -a
you are healthy
ok
really? -a
bye
really -a
fine -a
much more than me
im done -a
stop -a

I honestly don't know why I bother. They haven't done jack shit to help me through this shit the entire time. Granny has but I feel like each time I try to get to a healthy place I am drug down into a place I don't want to live in any more.

She let those fuckers take advantage of her by talking to her about their mom dying when they didn't give a fuck when our mom died. I'm sorry I am a grudge fuck but I have a better family out here than I do there. I am not being tapped like this anymore. That's why I left Kanfuckme.

I left because I was an uppity woman that could never make a living there and now that I have done everything I set myself out to do, get proper medical treatment, find a few friends and be a healthy person.

Anne stayed behingd and now she is telling me her health isn't good?

She breaks horses and expects me to think she is not healthy? She's so fucked. I am sick of crying over assholes. I am doing something with my life... I don't care about the consequences any longer. There is too much widespread abuse going on in this country for me not to address it in the forum in which I choose.

Momma always wanted to write a book but never got the chance. 8 fucking years later... There are Volumes.

Saturday September 4, 2004

It's a Saturday night and I am at home resting. I should go out and enjoy the scene but I knoe there is a lot of traffic and what have you going on out there and I am just not in the mood.

Buzzy and I hung out last night and we had a great time. We went to the Canal Club and had $3 poo poos. The bartender was an ass and in less than 3 seconds I watched his tip go down the toilet.

One of Olga's friends works there. I will never see that crowd again. I think Sandy was threatened by me and had the solution to get rid of me. That's life and that's how it goes so it just gets my goat even though it shouldn't that I don't get to sit around watching some of them so fucked up on cocaine that they defy the laws of gravity and say the most vapid things.

I've lost touch with the reality most girls stive to make their own. I have nothing in common with them so lingering around watching people getting wasted another year like they have been doing for so many of them doesn't hold my attention.

God I am reminded of my days when I used to be sad when mom first died and I would sit in my apartment on St. James Ct. and just look out the window. The view has dramatically changed and so have my attitudes but I wonder how much of my mom in me is still around toughing all this shit out in hopes for petty pays offs and dramatic changes in my life which I fear will never come to fruition... or maybe I fear they will and I won't be able to cope.

Monday September 6, 2004

I started off the morning calling my grandmother to let her know I was thinking about her today. It would have been Poppa's 81st. I can't imagine being without a mate that long.

Jen Ray was honest last night when she told me after I said to her we haven't told Josh's parents how sick I was "Sure, they will tell him to go find someone healthy. They don't want to have a broken hearted son with a kid in ten years. But then you could be killed by getting hit by a bus tomorrow."

I think... with everything that has been going on that it would be so much better for me to let Josh go so he can find that lucky lady. There are way too many things going on with us and with me being sick and it's not fair to him to go through this with me when I really need a parent and not a lover to be there for me.

I went to a party last night to break up the doledrom of cleaning my room, lying in bed and getting stoned. I think I need to go to the farm for a bit and rest up and get to feeling better because I don't know what to do. I think I should try and get some legal action going but I feel like everything is moving around me at a different rate and I don't fully understand what is going on.

Thursday September 9, 2004

Josh is back. He schlepped ice the entire time he was there at Burning Man and came back with the body of a God. Everything is rock hard and it's quite a different sensation. Maybe we should both work out so I can have a hard body too.

It's so ugly outside. It's raining.

I went and fucked around... or made lunch for Josh and me. The sun came out and it's been pretty ever since.

I've been destroying my skin for a few hours. I love the way sun soaked sweat from laying out makes your skin smell. I've been reading through my old diary and it's painful. I forgot to take my medicine this morning so before Josh left I confessed how awful I felt and he asked me if I had taken my medicine.

It's like every time I touch my skin I feel an electric shock I run my fingers along my arms. It's so tragic how addicted I have become to Neurontin. I remember the first time it started to make my skin go down.

I don't think I can stay for a few months in Costa Rica. I doubt it will be much longer than a month to six weeks unless I return. It appears that I have to go to the doctor every month to qualify for disability.

Dallas wanted me to make calls but she set it up for her machine and I just don't have the strength to do anything like that. I don't want to do anything but work on my own projects. I know I am being selfish but I'm tired and I have to use my time wisely.

I'm so sick and tired of feel like crap all the time. I wish I could wake up and feel like a normal human being.

It's time to take my meds agian. I just want to take another nap.

Tuesday September 21, 2004

I filed for a divorce finally today. It's over done with and hopefully that fucker will stay in Canada and not show up to the hearing so I can get alimony even though I know he is a lazy bastard and won't ever do anything like get a job.

I'm having feelings of neglect here. Josh told me he was going to come by right after work then it got to be an hour and then by "curfew" (10 PM out of respect for Dallas) and then midnight and then one.

By the time I called him to say WTF I get this shit.

"I'm see you everyday. I lay in bed with you... I blah blah blah."OK fucker... you see me everyday for lunch if I am lucky and then you are off doing your thing. So I think it's time for me to be off doing mine that doesn't involve him and if he is lucky he can come see me.

I think I need to do a ceramics class. I have the need to feel the earth under my hands and I am sick and tired of having to depend on him to feel like I am a whole person.

I've noticed that when I get attached to someone I start to get all stupid and shit and I wish I wouldn't do that.

Sometimes I feel like I am being used too. So I have issues of abandonment, because I am going through a hard time, I am clingy and independent and I feel like I am being used.

He told me he would buy me a $100 ticket to the opening night for the Feast of San Gennaro. I think I would rather go to Catalina.

But the thing I have started to notice is that he is a real fucking jerk about dealing with this. Like I should kiss his ass in order to get to spend time with him when he told me he was coming over. He wasn't here the night before and I don't think he stayed the night before that either. "I see you everyday."

Then he goes around and acts like lunch is good enough and coming over after 10 is fine and we are back in the same cycle before he left for Burning Man. And he wants to live with me?

I feel like sometimes Teri and Craig are trying to get him intertwined with their sick fuck game going on with their love lives and it makes me sick, quite honestly. "I'll be happy when you get a girlfriend." so I can torment her and invade in her privacy and fuck with her head and break up with my boyfriend once a week because I've been with him for two years and he didn't fuck me for one of those years...

I so need to get away from LA. IT's driving me crazy.

Then he thinks I am just going to chill here for Thanksgiving and Christmas trying to bribe me with "My mom thinks it's more important to give more than you get." and this is supposed to make me want to not go and hide in Costa Rica?

I worked out for the first time in I can't remember how long.

You know... I don't even take calls from my friends when we are together. I give him all of my time and attention and I think he thinks all I do is sleep and bitch about him not spending time with him but I am fucking busy with shit every god damn day.

I talk to at least 4-6 people a day about their AC be it on the phone or via IM. I have to get my work shit straight so that's a drag. I finally did the worst thing hanging over my head and that was file this fucking divorce. I need to finish up scanning images to add to my diary to get it done.

I do lay out and get some sun.

I think it might be nice to go to the opening night but it honestly seems stupid that he is willing to take me out to a $100 festival on a night where he won't get to see me at all and never willing to go out to a restaurant for $70 for dinner. Why would I want to do that? We could go to Catalina for the weekend and camp on that money. I would just be going to be eye candy and I honestly don't want to spend my time sitting around with psycho Teri all night because she starts to bug the shit out of me.

He's starting to remind me of my sister more and more each day. I give you my affection what more do you want? I can almost see it now. I give you money what more do you want?

I don't want to feel fucking neglected or lied to when you tell me you are going to spend time with me. I think I made it too easy.

I think it's time to show Josh my time is just as valuable as mine and this weekend he is the one that fell asleep before me. I feel like I am just waiting for this to be over so I can start traveling and working on my fucking porn site and get what I want done done.

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