Sunday March 13, 2005
I miss my mommy. I'm so scared. We went to a body donor meeting tonight. I met some of the other people that are donating their bodies to the Body World's exhibit. I was totally captivated by David, Sarah, Lilly and Noah.
We went into their house and I felt like I was at home. There were so many comforts... things I haven't identified with in years. I don't even notice the clutter the way Josh does. I notice instead the feelings I had from growing up in that environment and how I've been robbed from feeling that way until today.
I got over stimulated. We should have left sooner but by the time I noticed it was too late to control myself the cuss words were flipping out, I didn't have to pretend to be someone I wasn't and didn't feel like I had to impress Dave or his family but just be there.
So no one tells you the joy of having your uterus streach out. I would think that if I weren't on narcotics that this pain would just be too much to bear.
Josh and I get into it. I am upset by something someone wrote about me in the erotic review about the apartment being messy. Like I am supposed to clean it up but Josh tells me that he would be embarrassed to have people over sometimes when he gets here.
Then I think that if this is the kind of shit I have to put up with in the future then why am I even entertaining the idea of having a child? Who cares if I don't feel like picking up a towel or can't clean up something on the floow. I shouldn't be sick, ever.
I can't be like Josh. I am more like David and his family. I hate it when he cleans my one god damn place in the apartment that is mine, my nightstand. He started icking through it last time we cleaned which was when that asshole came over that said the apartment was a mess. Then he takes all my fucking papers and stuffs them away when his parents come over which royally pisses me off because now there are papers in the bag that I won't find for another week because I can't remember to sign something or print something out or just get it all taken care of.
Why should I be a mother? I can't take care of myself and Josh can't take care of me all the time. I miss my mommy. She's not here. I don't care what Dr. Irma says my mommy can't love me like she did... and I don't want to give this gift to anyone. I am so scared and my mom isn't there to help. Everyone has been so supportive for me to have you and now I just can't quit from thinking I am not rich enough, I can't remember anything, I lose sensaitons in my hands so I can't help but worry how many times I am going to drop you already and good god, if there ever is an arachnoid cyst how can I possibly live with that?
I keep dreaming of you. I want to rip you from me and hold you until the day I die, all small and tender. But you scare me to death. I don't think I am ever going to be a good mother. I never thought you would be here. I hoped but it never happened before...
Today I was upset with Josh because he fussed at me after I told him this jerk wrote that the apartment was dirty and he told me how he would be embarrassed with the way I leave this place sometimes. He helped me clean this fucking pig stye the other day when that jack ass came over. He is the one storing boxes outside. When I said we should get rid of things he told me every home needs an alter.
Then he wouldn't leave me alone. Sometimes I just need to be alone. That's one of the things you have to learn... mommy needs some alone time to think things through because if I don't I'll go crazy. I was overstimulated today, meeting all these people, eating tamales and stuff like that. Buzzy jumped my shit for eating junk food and granted she was right it still stung. Then Josh laid into me.
"Baby quit treating me like I'm A DICK."
"Well I GUESS If you didn't say ANYTHING WRONG YOU WOULDN'T FEEL THAT WAY."
The day started good enough. I actually felt well enough to go to the store and get some sausage and biscuts to make for breakfast. Buzzy was sick and Josh was happy to eat. We went to the jacuzzi and came in and got ready to go over to David and Sarah's.
People scare me sometimes. There was this guy at the party that wanted to tell me how the UN sucks but I just got away from him.
We got into the fight and I thought that I can't do this. I can't be a mom. I just don't have it in me. I can't think straight. I feel like everyone tries to tell me what they think. I want to go away for a few days. Olga and I are going to Mexico next week for Spring Break. She's in the best shape ever so the photos we shoot will be awesome.
I think every woman goes through this... not just my mom. She's my only chance. She's my only kid. I shouldn't have her. I get scared sometimes that Josh is going to leave me. I guess I have abandonment issues. I think I can't do this. I can't balance my checkbook. I can't pay my bills. I can't take care of myself. What is parenting going to do to Josh and me? Some days are pure bliss but today I just want to have an abortion and kill myself. I'm so sorry I feel this way baby but that's part of the human condition, I'm afraid. I haven't had any suicidial thoughts in a long time. Last week when I was so sick I wanted to die.
"What color is your nursery?" Nursery? I can't afford a nursery. I wasn't supposed to have a child. A tressel and a bird's nest so you don't roll everywhere and kill yourself.
You are one tough bitch though, I already know this. The year of the cock... I flash on your life that hasn't started to only live through vicarious moments in time that I may never be a part of. All the things I can not show you like being weak. All the spankings that remind me of my father and hurt each time I deliver one.
I think right now I can stop this and no one would say anything because of my health. I don't know the life I am going into and am not too sure about the one I am walking away from. I don't know my place in life and find that the shock of being diagnosed with all these illnesses and then sensory overload of being pregnant does not make for a restful mind.
Then I think about how I have waited for you all of my life. How I never thought I could ever hold you in my arms and then think again about how my hands will no longer feel the softness of the skin on your face. That the person who is to be your mother makes extra money teaching men the Gentle Art of Female Ejaculation because she can't think long enough to get any project done or near completion to make my way out of this depression.
"Are you setting her up for fat genes?" Come on Buzzy. If she is going to be fat it's already in her DNA and I think as long as she eats like me she should be just fine.
I get scared that once you are here that I might end up killing you from not watching you cross the street, having some stranger take your body and mutilate it to no end or some other horrible thing that would never happen in a million years because you are going to know self defence, kick boxing, ballet hip hop karate kick dancing. I worry about teaching you about sex. I worry about love... I love your daddy more than anyone I have ever loved in my life yet is that enough to keep me attached? I never want to leave him but I get scared that he's going to get on me like he did tonight and pester me to clean up and shit when I don't feel good or just not accept that I am unfortunately more of a child because of the way I process my feelings and emotions.
Then one day I will just stand up and leave and never look back because I can't take it anymore. I will be so crazy that it's either going to be me or the brink of insanity. I feel like the nails from the coffin are starting to close. I am way too tired/overstimulated/pissedoff/angry/hurt/upset to care about much of anything.
"How long have you lived here?" I ask Olga.
"Four years. Im pretty predictiable." She lists all the things she has done the same for the last few years to prove how she is stable (?) that it sounds painful towhat I imagined to be my bohemian life style. I find that I am nothing like the little girl that started this diary eight years ago. I don't recognize who I am anymore now that I've become the woman I always wanted to be.
Sunday March 20, 2005
The days are melting. I feel like I haven't been a very good writer... saving up the days and letting them meld into one memory that I can never remember like now... thinking of what it must have been like when I first came off that plane in Moscow... being so overwhlemed at all the people on the planet, watching them move through Moscow en mass, millions of people an hour in one metro stop.
I would sit there in the subway to watch the traffic flow sometimes. I think the longest I stayed at one of the Red Line stations was an hour. I remember the look but the name of the station eludes me.
I have changed my meds to suit being pregnant in a better way. Last week it was to change the Duragesic from 100 to 75. Tonight I burned. I couldn't move after 9 pm and was miserable because I wouldn't give Josh a piece of chocolate that isn't so easy to find... I mean it's not like you can find Cadbury Roses on the street when they come from England. Josh got whiney and he makes me mad when he gets like that.
I'm scare more than ever of losing the baby. It's like now that I know he is there I feel like anything I do wrong is going to kill him even though the worst of the damge is already done.
I got an e-mail from Jen, the only girl that has been my lover. She once told me I had Munchausen's way back when the MS and Syringo was taking its toll on my body. I told her now that I have been properly diagnosed that I didn't appreciate her saying that to me.
"I am sorry that I upset you. I guess I was just baffled. I don't know. I don't even remember why I said that. But that is a disease in itself....I never thought you weren't sick, I was just looking for answers and I guess that is what I came up with at the time. STUPID! "
That made me feel better but still going back to heal the wound that started that is not so easy because I've had so much shit to deal with and when she told me that it just made me more angry back then. It's all about being a hypochondriac.
I got a letter from a woman telling me that one of the AC women was faking it. That made me mad. I was going to post on the board where they were saying shit about her but decided it was better for me not to get involved.
I have millions of thoughts coarsing through my head.
We were lucky enough to go to this house in Burbank on Friday. CJ's brother, Doug, was house sitting for these people again and they have a pool and jacuzzi. Last time we were there it was a lot of fun but this time it was just a few of us and I stayed in the jacuzzi from 11-2:30 @ 99 degrees and everyone else but me and Josh were coking out. They all seemed very excited about z bebe as this will be the first in our group.
It's 6 am now... I've been up since 3:30 because I went to bed around 9 or 10. I was in so much pain. I dropped my Duragesic from 100 to 75 and now I burn non stop. As if I could really come off Duragesic. There is no fucking way.
I'm going to Mexico with Olga tomorrow and I am very excited about that.
I spoke with a misdiagnosed AC woman who was diagnosed with MS when she was 19. She had a lot to tell me because she was a disabled mom. She had 8 pregnancies and only one healthy baby. I get scared a lot now that I can miscarry or he will be still born but we went to the GYN about my UTI on Wednesday and he's still in there swimming like mad. He's tickling me like crazy and makes me laugh all the time. I do love being pregnant. I love it that he will be here soon.
I fall more deeply in love with Josh each day but sometimes he gets on my nerves too much. I feel like I pay for so much shit all the time and I am the one that has to forge for the chocolate I love. Tonight he wouldn't quit whining because I wouldn't give him a Cadbury Rose which is hard to find a box because the only store that carries them is off Laurel Canyon and they are expensive. I told him when I came home he couldn't have any and he got so mad. He doesn't replace my chocolate so when I have bad cravings I have to resort to barbaric methods like choclate milk or the dark choclate stash.
And don't even get me started on the tamales. I crazve those fuckers like they never existed. I have to have at least one or two a day. I buy a big bunch from Tamara's (where I used to work) Tamales and eat on them and then in case of emergency we have to find an outside source.
When we went to the party on Friday we stopped at a tamale place and then Josh started bitching about how he spent $100 that day... which really fucking pissed me off. I spend that kind of cash consistantly on the OB, drugs and other shit like health insurance and he is flipping me shit over spending $100 on clothes and food? This is going to be a major problem and we need to budget ourselves because I am not making any money right now.
I told Olga I think Josh should pay the rent and I can pay for the other shit like the OB and meds and my health insurance. She agreed with me.
I need to call Mandy... I talked with this crazy lady last week that just had a kid and has an AC too. She was flipping out and calling me at 5:30 am. I told her to wait until 10 then she called at 9. The next time she needed someone she called at 8:30 and it just made me mad. I thought she was going a little crazy and she didn't call me back so I finally had a chance to call her back on Thursday and she told me she was much better because her doctor gave her some anti-psychotic sleep aid anti depressent. She was doing much better then.
I just don't know how to deal with much of anything anymore. I am not keeping people's stories up to date on arachnoidcyst.org. I'm tired all the time and sleep a lot. Sex is ok... I get worried about the kid a little though and I'm so tight now that when Josh has a full hard on he can't go all the way inside of me because it hurts.
Since I found out I was pregnant we went from having sex two times a day to two times a week due to the UTI and my sensitivity. And the sex had been lasting 5 minutes. In Friday after Chris's Grandpa's funeral we came home and had sex for over an hour, like the good 'ol days. It was very nice and I came like crazy.
My days of giving female ejaculation lessons are probably over. I made like $2,600 in 2 weeks and I don't think that will ever happen again. I taught a prostitute and she didn't know that bearing down would make such a difference in the pleasure she received. I should have done it on her but I was not thinking straight and I was there a lot longer. She was great, though, and didn't want to wear me out. I got sick of dealing with people from The Erotic Review though, especially this one whore that was just talking shit about me because no one else listens to her.
I took a zanaflex to go to sleep. Today is a big day. We are going to get our haircut, go to Double Ds and then see Zorba perform tonight at the Comedy Store so I need more sleep. I can't wait to get away for a few days. I'm feeling a little suffocated.
Sunday March 27, 2005
Buzzy is over. It's been a crazy couple of weeks. There are so many things I wish I could write about... I got my first pair of baby shoes from Josh's mom yesterday. It was my "oh shit.. this is real" moment. "You are the first persn to have gotten the baby a gift."
I did get a baby Grover in December. Buzzy just said I knew then. "Vaughn (her nephew) will sit and rock to Elmo."
Olga and I could have ended up in a Mexican prison for all the weed I smuggled across the border. I'm glad the hotel didn't kick us out. We had to bitch about the jacuzzi's not working and the heater being fucked up. We saved %25 off our bill and that paid for the weed they flushed down the commode.
I'm paying the price now though... I'm in so much pain now. We went and saw the grandparents yesterday and told them they were going to be great grandparents. His grandma was estatic but his grandpa was like "Eh?" and shrugged his shoulders.
Our landlord came over and told me I had a girl. We have another ultrasound on Tuesday. I finally figured out today why some women look more pregnant than me and that's because I'm so tall.
