It's taking some time. I've been depressed for some time. I can barely take care of my shit. I cry all the time and move so fucking slow...

Last night I had Josh take me to the hospital to get a Morphine shot. They gave me 15mg and you would think that would have made it all so good but then today I am depressed at how tragic my sex life has become because I can't squirt and use all my muscles to that effect. Morphine took away so much of the pain I feel from sitting on my skeloton that I was able to gush and gush and gush.

I have noticed more weight is melting off. I can't take being fat any longer.

I better go to bed before much longer...

Monday October 3, 2004

I've been running around like Crazy. I am sitting in Arcadia (who knew?) waiting for a MRI.

Xavier just called. I didn't know my diary was not password protected until last night. I freaked out a little.

Saturday October 9 , 2004

I drove down to San Diego right before traffic picked up in LA. I made it down in a record 3 hours on a Friday. I think I made OK time.

I got here and had to wait for a while because her son pulled a Florent and punched the door and broke his finger.

"I be you'll never do THAT again!" I said when I saw him.

"Nope." His brother had beat the fuck out of him. I think her sons are just fucking running all over her and she lets them and thinks that they are not like other men and won't be assholes that they are well mannered and behaved and won't do drugs or anything like that.

I feel like I am at my mom's house. It's funny. I packed my bag like I was going to mom's for the weekend. It's a habit I can't seem to shed myself of. The desire to travel, be away for the weekend.

It's hot. There is soil erosion from the fires last year. I can't stand to see how her kids use her. I know I did my own laundry from the time I was 8. I think it's about time for the boys to learn these things. If they expect me to be around to take care of them then they should know how to take care of themselves...

Anne sent me a letter telling me to quit calling her a cunt. I think she has asked me to stop before but I can't get them to understand that I don't mean to say those things that I get stuck and when you start talking about hurtful things then I let all the lava from my hurtful life seep into my writing. That's who I am. I can't change. I have brain damage and it shows.

I am trying to get my book done by October 15.

We went to Costco to get some stuff. I need to get Colton more diapers because last night he soaked the bed and if he's going to be staying with me I can't have him soaking my bed all the time.

I got my first digital camera. It holds like 24 photos and 6.1 mega pixels. So far ok.

I got a horrible taping of the Good the Bad and the Ugly for my phone. I wish it were louder. It's sad when there is nothing else on.

So I've been blowing out my own brains all these years. The CSF had to make a way through the blockage all these years and has forced my brain out of the way and pushed it all into my spinal cord. I'm a little upset that it has taken so long to figure this out.

I told Buzzy last night about my brains and she started to tell me how she could tell but then stopped herself before she went too far and hurt my feelings. I don't think they hurt so much anymore because there is such a big wound.

Roy was telling me how Tommy wanted me to go get him after football practice so he wouldn't have to take the bus and I was like... um... I am not here to raise those brats especially after I just found out the little bastard hit his little brother in the head. And I am not going to be here to help her for the rest of the month.

Her mom, dad and aunt all asked if they could come and she told them all "NO! Catherine's going to be here!" It's taken me this long to realize just what I might have gotten myself into. I can't help her when she gets out of the hospital. I can't give her a bath or do anything like that.

And these boys just sit on their asses. I don't have anything against anyone for being poor. I have been so poor in my life and homeless but I was never filthy and wouldn't at least take care of my own needs. When we were living with mom we were pretty independent by that time. These stupid boys think their dad is going to take such great care of them but they are fools as all kids like that are.

Shit... it's one am and I know I should go to bed but I am still not tired. It's from drinking all that coke.

Two am and I am still working on my book. Josh will be here tomorrow. He is telling his parents I am sick tomorrow. Maybe that's why I am so nervous. We talked about having kids and a family sort of the other day... or it was implied by him that one day we would have kids. I told him watching Colton would make us instant parents so we can see how we are going to be.

It's three. I almost have most of the images done so I only have a few more tweaks and then I am sending this bitch off.

It's so bizarre when I leave LA how much I wind up missing it and how TV is punctuated with a life I am missing out on. I don't feel like that when I am there... I feel like I am bored. Gabriella Perez is a lady in charge of skin... $900 for an ounce of skin oil.

Sunday October 10 , 2004

This little Olympus also has a manual setting so I can do all the work myself. Josh came down today. We went to Vejas, an Indian Reservation, and had brunch. Royalyn, Colton, me and Josh and we sat and ate and ate and ate crab legs. So much so that it made us ill. Colton was overstimulated and so was Roy. The casino was bright and flourishing. We just went to eat. So Josh has been looking for a pair of shoes for sometime now and we walk into Bass and he picks out a pair for a girl... then he finds the mens and they are like $60. I found the cutiest little shoes that look like great dock shoes and then when I see that any pair of shoes I get is 60% off after we get Josh's shoes I get these pair of boots I have wanted since I was in high school.
	We walked around for a while and then I was very happy to take this photo of a hummingbird. I freaked out honestly that this little digital camera could do so many things. I still can't get over the clarity of the bird and the ability to see past its wings. I have several photos of the wings and the back which is just so pretty. Then there was Colton. I could not get over how awesome he and Josh got along. I know he is going to be happy to hang out with us in LA for a little while. I can't believe all the work I used to do in order to keep up my site. It seems impossible these days to give it all the attention it needs. Lately I have been too depressed to keep up. Too tired or just not enough energy.
	Does this shirt make me look gay?

I seem to be crying a lot all the time these days. I just found out Christopher Reeve died today. He was the same age as my mom. Now I will never get to meet him and beg for help. So I am pretty happy with my camera. It's so strange to be here. I am so sad for Royalyn and raising her kids here. It's hard to be so poor and yet that's all the people that live around here are. It reminds me of what my mother went through when we were growing up and what a fuck dad was. I feel like I am transformed back to that place where I wasn't accepted because of so many reasons.

I don't know how we can turn a blind eye to poverty. How we can expect someone to make no money on Social Security and then if they try they can't make more than $700 or lose their benefits. Why can't they pay minimum wage to people that need SSI?

I worked on my book for a long time last night.. until 4 am and now I am tired because I was nervous/excited/scared about everything going on right now. I'm mad at Roy's boys for the way they have been treating her. Mad at the Nurse for telling her only one person could see her back.

I made myself lose a lot of weight in my photos. I love photoshop.

One of the girls at Eddie Bauer asked me if we were married. "Not yet" I told her which made me blush a bit but right now I can't imagine being with anyone else right now. Thinking back I think Josh really meets most of my sexual needs and makes my hormones carbonate.

I had him pull over to a side street and gave him the "Best Blow Job Ever." Then we drove around the mountains and pulled off the freeway to Crestwood Street. We went in the back seat and I rode on him trying to get him hard after the world's best blow job and slapped his cock around my bleeding cunt. I will never have a baby. I can't get pregnant. So it got nasty. I was able to scream (partially because of the horrible position I was in) and I got to do some of the things I cna't usually do.

When I don't have time to write it's because I am usually spending lots of time hooked on Josh's cock. I love the way it nooks inside me and hits my g-spot. I think he's the best boyfriend I have ever had. I have my days but for the most part I think he's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I think about my family and about Florent and all the people I have known and the sex gets better, we get closer and I fall more deeply in love with him. He is there for me when I really, really need him. If I need some bucks to make sure my bank account doesn't bounce he will give them to me. He's really becoming my partner and it's nice to know that when it's right it really works out. It will always be just OK and even though I am dying I really have come to the conclusion it's not how you live it's how you die and what goes into that formula to really set you apart from everyone.

In that play that we saw a week ago, Pipe Dreams, she was afraid she would never succeed. I've always known I was special. I knew I had something to say that would make a large impact on my life and at the same time I am savoring each and every moment I have now before the book is fully published. I don't know how long it will take but I know... I have always known that I was different and would make it no matter what. Being reminded of what I came from has really hit me in a way that is comfortable, a way that reminds me it needs to be done and just what someone like me can accomplish in a simple life time. Life is for the living... but if you life just right then there will be plenty of people willing to learn from yours.

Monday October 18 , 2004

I'm not meant to have kids, that's all there is to it. It takes way too much time, too much patience and it's too emotionally draining.

I picked up Colton last week. We weren't going to go to LA but after smelling the sewer drain behind the house I was so grossed out by the way she lived that I wasn't about to stay in that place. But then I hate where I am living right now too.

Dallas is such a cunt. I hate her. She comes in my room when she pleases. She came in last night and just held the door open and then when I said something to her she was startled and replied "I just wanted to see if you were OK."

"I'm Alive please shut my door." After that I was pissed. Who the fuck does she think she is? I think I am going to throw a big fucking party next weekend just to piss her off. I shouldn't have to live like I am living but I do. The only things in the outside apartment that are mine are the TV, Stereo and some paintings. I am moving all that back into my bedroom and taking one of the computers and put it out in the living room where she likes to come out and leave her shit every night.

I wrote her a long letter last night and the e-mail gods must have been watching over me because it wasn't sent but it was mean and hateful. She is running out of money so she is going to turn into a total bitch all over again and I can't and won't live like this anymore. My life means more to me.

She left the door open last night. She knows I have Syringomyelia and the cold effects me in a bad way. She left the door open so when Josh came in last night at midnight the door was open and I slammed it shut. Then she tried to squeak to me that it was after midnight and he couldn't come over and I told her to fuck off. Every since I was diagnosed with MS I have been horribly clingy, I know but she can't tell me what to do, how to act or anything of that nature any longer because I am not her bitch. I pay my half of the rent and I get less than half of the apartment. I hate her. I have never hated anyone like I hate her. I wish she would find someone to care about her because she has become such a vapid piece of shit but it's no wonder no one wants her... not with the way she acts.

I've got MS. I'm dying.

I don't know what I am going to do with "the rest of" my life. I know I am not going to live under the hand of Dallas. I am sick and tired of her being such a bitch. Life is too short to waste my energy on things I can't stand or people I don't like.

It was so hard giving up that baby. I feel like my heart broke. He wouldn't listen to me towards the end. He ran out in front of a car and I had to spank him becuase he knew better. I think that's when he started to think that he would much rather be with his mommy. He was not sad this time to see me go and I was grateful for that.

I was really hoping that things would be OK that I wouldn't get negative about anything going on around me because everything fucking sucks but now it feels like now that I can put an ugly, horrible face to the name of the diseases that are taking over my body I get even more angry.

I feel like smacking everyone in the ass so they all get mad at me and have no reason to love me because I am such a horrible creature. Like when I spanked Colton for not wanting to take a bath. He got on my nerves so bad that my father's forces bubbled and brewed inside of me and then all of a sudden I was in toch with so many of the emotions he was in touch with when he would get angry at us just for existing.

It makes me sad that I know that person lives inside of me, happy to torture children into acting and being a certain way whereas his mother didn't discipline him at all. He's almost 3 and he is tiny. She kept feeding him a bottle to keep him a baby and that's so wrong. He can't talk, he watches way too much TV and he doesn't get enough exercise. She was right to give him away because she can't take care of him but I know another one would come around if she did that.

What really pissed me off were the lies she started to say. Like she is going to move into the old homestead where her family used to live. With no electricity or running water. When she told me that her mother and father offered to come from Kansas to take care of her I thought to myself "You would rather have someone that is so tragically ill take care of your child than a family member? Have you lost your mind? Do you really understand?

I've slowly started looking through the MS websites. MS kills. Or maybe it's the drugs that do it. Whatever. The syringomyelia ain't no gem either.

I'm with Josh. I am in a seperate room. I think I am going to take a nap. I am sleepy.

* * *

We decided not to hang out at my place tonight. We just don't want to deal with Dallas. I am just beat from shit. Thinking about things mulling it all over.

I am checking out the naughty photos Jossh took of me tied up. I think he is going to learn more about tying knots.

Wednesday October 20 , 2004

I should be getting all happy about Halloween. Instead I am stressed about Royalyn's son. I really don't like people right now. I just like Josh. Everyone except Granny. I hate it when I go through this phase.

I'm really pissed because Dallas's creditors called and woke me up at 8 which was a good thing because I have spent the last two days with Josh which have been so nice.

He made this cool contraption with the rope last night and I could lift myself up and then move up and down. It's so nice when you are making love missionary and your back isn't on a surface. I could slide all over the place. I must admit that I love the ropes.

I have been cleaning all morning. My room is so much nicer. I need a webcam so I can start doing shows.

Can I tell you how great Oxy Clean shit is? I have been using that instead of bleach and I am so much happier with it.

Saturday October 23 , 2004

Buzzy and I came to Mexico for the weekend to stay at Las Rocas. She didn't know it was going to be such a trip. So she was a little disappointed that she didn't have enough supplies. We went to have outlet shopping therapy and got a ton of shoes at discount prices maybe what we would pay twice in LA. We have gone in the Jacuzzi that overlooks the ocean. You can hear the waves hush over the rocks which brings a calm to settling one's soul.

"We're staying here another night you realize, don't you?"

I've been wanting to come back since I had brain surgery. After dealing with that god damn freak I decided it was a great weekend to indulge way too much. Plus I am not going home for the holidays. I've been saving money too. I just wished I had booked a massage.

Thursday October 28, 2004

I'm all hooked up. I can't use my pinkie as well as I would like to but..

Sex, sex and even more sex. That's what my days are consumed with. I wake up, get ready for lunch or try to get ready for lunch so when Josh comes over there is something ready for him. This week I have been pretty lazy getting my life together and sleeping.

I started seeing Dr. Irma about my mental health. Today was the second time this week and I hope to see her more often.

"You're so young!" I hear from a lot of people these days. I;m too young to suffer from all this shit? I would rather know EXACTLY what was wrong with me instead of having some asshole tell me I have a border line personality disorder.

I think we are going to try to make 2 calandars for the Arachnoid Cyst Foundation this year and I will use some of the naughty photos as well as make one of flower and stuff.

I finally migrated a lot of my data over to this machine. It's almost full.

I want to put up a page of our trip in Mexico. I am sleepy now and it's too much a pain in the ass to type with this thing on my pinkie.

Saturday October 30, 2004

I can't beleive it's Halloween already!! Josh and I went out last night with Zorba. This is so much fun. I love having a boyfriend that likes to dress up for Halloween. It's like you get to have your best friend dress up like a hot chick and kiss on him/her all night and then go home and fuck like crazy. He had on frilly undies on. It was so much fun. I am excited because Double D is having a party tonight so CJ and Jen are going to be there and all my other friends. And Josh looks so incrediably hot.

I'm so broke now. I have spent so much money getting ready for Halloween and now I am afriad I messed up my Bowne payments because I requested the use of medicial marijuana.

I finally got to talk to Kathi today. It was so awesome. She is not going to take care of that teenager anymore. I'm happy because ever since she moved in she has cuased her nothing but problems that she can't fix. Her own daughter understands what's going on but it's over.

I just hope I get my Kathi back. I know that I am being selfish but when I think about how much I need her just to be able to talk to me instead of lying on the floor crying over something this bitch has said to her or continues to not listen to her and she is going to have over a half a million dollars then I can't say I feel so sorry for her because she has the rest of her life ahead of her.

Pure
Photography

PHOTOS\

Dr. Block's

Nature

Cubes

Europe

Portraits

Fantasy

Dying

Kazantip

Birthday

Russia '96

Russia

London '99

Stills '98