I have
been very ill lately. I had wanted to write about how awesome
the sex was in the way sex can only be awesome tonight but
I am high from my medication and feeling a bit loopy.
We have
been looking for a place to live and we found a decent place
in Beverly Hills for $975 including utilities but I'm scared.
I am scared to move if you can believe that. I feel like I
am scared of a lot of things lately.
Florent
and I have been getting along much better lately. I don't
know if it's because we are missing a psycho room mate or
because Jen has her own place now (even thought Heidi runs
away every night) or because he's working on some contracts
or if it's because I heard that according to the State of
California I qualify for SSI.
I have
been so happy since Thursday I can't tell you. When she told
me on the phone that she was recommending me for that program
I started crying on the phone. "But Mam, it's just a
recommendation!"
I didn't
care. That was enough for me. I have been looking for housing
and we even went and checked out the Section 8 housing in
Marina Del Rey which is a far cry from the Section 8 housing
in Kentucky.
I called
to tell Granny how happy I was that I had disability and she
finally said "I always thought there was something wrong
with your brain." I wanted to vomit. She went on to tell
me that I should never have kids because they might have the
same disease I have. It really hurt my feelings a lot. I cried
after I talked with her and thought about the time she told
me when I told her one day I was going to adopt a child "You
never know what you are getting with other people's children."
So here
goes my next dilemma. Or I should say our. I suppose that
once I find out if I am going to have brain surgery I should
wait. I don't even know if I can get pregnant. I have never
been pregnant before. I don't know if I will ever be pregnant
but I guess that's really too far off in the distance... Plus
if I am deathly ill do I want Florent to have to raise a child
by himself? I don't think I should worry about that kind of
shit because hey... look how many babies were born after 911.
I was
thinking about some things... mom said that when I was a baby
I had one seizure. Then she also told me I didn't like to
be touched so I am thinking I have always had this thing in
my head. When I start hurting I can't stand to be touched
and I think Florent must think that I am a baby because sometimes
when he wants to touch me he can't because anything that touches
me hurts.
I was
reading through the arachnoidcyst group on Yahoo! and one
lady said she understood how some people could want to blow
their brains out when the pain gets too much. I have often
thought about that. Just blowing this fucking thing out of
my head and maybe someone will listen. I even think I have
written a poem about it but it's still in my head.
My hair
is getting long. I want to cut it but Florent doesn't want
me to. I didn't wash it all weekend hoping I could bring it
back to its former glory with lots of sheen and TLC. I'm very
high right now. I took two pain pills. I couldn't stand it
anymore because I have been doing too much this last week
and there is so much to do before we move. I hate it. I feel
very stressed about moving but hopefully... it will all work
out.
It was
nice walking around the shops in Beverly Hills today and looking
at this place. I told Zack a long time ago I wanted to live
there just for one year of my life. It would be nice to live
lavishly but I will settle for being a Beverly Hillbilly.
Or maybe we will be lucky and I will have disability by the
end of the month and we will find a place that will take vouchers.
And then I will have Medical and Medicare as well as food
stamps.
I just
wish I wasn't so sick all the time. I hate feeling like I
am dying and feeling like I am 80 years old in my still 20
something body. It really sucks.
On the
upside this chick took my photos today. Next time I get paid
I am going to invest in some MAC cosmetics because I really
like the way she did my make-up today. Everyone we met kept
staring at me and it took me a while to realize they were
looking at my unusual make-up. Florent loved it. When we made
love today it was delicious. Like cool whip with a kick. I'm
bleeding like a stuck pig now so it's safe for us to have
wild sex without a condom. I love the way his foreskin tickles
me inside.
It's 8:11 am. I am clean and sitting in my bed with my back
to the wall where cold seeps through it's plaster pores. I
am already tired of looking for a place to live. I can't deal
with it. I can't deal with a lot of things like I used to.
I am
very hurt and sad that I never hear from my oldest sister.
She never calls me to see how I am doing or anything. I always
have to call her and I hate that. I think it's been over a
month now. The last thing I heard from her was a forward someone
else had sent her. I guess she's too busy to fit me into her
schedule of family, school, and living life.
I thought
about it last night and came to the conclusion that I don't
like my family very much. Andy always told me I needed to
get away from them and now I know why. Anne has been going
through a really hard patch right now with a bad boyfriend
and I see how Doug, my brother in law, is taking this opportunity
to try and use her because she is vulnerable.
Anne
still has mom's Lexus and it's rotting in Granny and Pop's
shed. Doug wanted to drive it and Anne said OK and then it
cost too much to get it up to speed. Doug said he would pay
for it. That just pisses me off. They use and use and use
and use us and maybe that's what siblings are for but I think
it's out of hand. I know that when she need us the most we
both gave her 5K so she could stay in her house and we don't
get much appreciation for that, I don't think.
He recently
got disability and I know they aren't strapped for cash so
I guess she was just using me and I'm not important enough
to her to call me to find out how I am doing. Noah is going
to be 5 on the 15th. I know I haven't been the greatest aunt
in the world but I have been living in poverty for a year
now and I go home when I can afford it or even when I can't
and some stupid bitch gets me to take her across the country
and then strands me in Kentucky for a month.
So...
maybe I have changed a lot since I came out here and I finally
decided that I just don't give a fuck what my family thinks
about me anymore. They can't control me and I don't really
need them except for Anne. Anne is the only person that has
supported me for the most part no matter how ugly things get
between us.
We can
argue and fight and bitch and piss and moan and it's OK. We
still love each other and we know we will always be there
for one another. I don't feel the same with Lesli, it's very
one sided. I guess it is what it needs to be for now but Andy
was right. Really right. I would have never have been happy
if I stayed in Kentucky and lived my life for them instead
of myself. That's what makes me sad is that I always felt
there was this obligation that we need to take care of them
instead of ourselves and I'm over that now.
I once
promised my grandmother that I would never put her in a home
and now I know I can not keep that promise because I might
end up in a home before she does. If they botch my brain surgery
then I can be a vegetable. I think it's wrong that there is
some higher sense of honor attached to taking care of your
relatives when they brought you into this world not only to
fulfill their need to feel love and affection from a child
but also to propagate the species.
I guess
what I am thinking about is having babies. I would want them
to have a life I could never in a million years lead. A sane,
healthy one and I don't think it can happen here in LA because
so many people here are lost. I don't like the people here
because they are more blatantly obvious when they use people.
Or they just don't give a fuck and have no manners to start
with. I don't know. I can't tell. I can't raise the god damn
world but I know that if I put my energy into having babies
I would write and write and write for them to tell them all
the things I have learned about life and all the strange things
people say or do is for attention. It makes me sad that people
don't do things out of love or passion very much anymore.
I feel like society is on a rapid decline instead of some
kind of Renaissance.
Or then
again maybe we are at another great breaking point in the
paradox that is life. Maybe people are starting to recognize
the problems they are having and realizing that their attitudes
have everything in the world to do with it. HA! I can feel
myself dying so maybe I am lucky enough to see all the bullshit
or at the very least, recognize it for what it is.
You know
I have noticed one true thing about my character. Don't ever
tell me I shouldn't do or can't do something because I will
prove you wrong every time by not only doing what I set out
to do but flourishing along the way.
I think
Granny thinks that there is something wrong with my thinking
and that I would pass this illness or pass these bad genes
on to someone else that doesn't deserve it but one of the
whole reasons I keep this journal is to remind me of the life
I would have never had had had I killed myself so many years
ago. If I could have a healthy baby I would love to love it
and give it some of my strengths and values as a person as
well as part of my heart and my mind because even though it's
my biggest disability, it's also my biggest strength because
I put so much into myself as an individual I can show a little
one a better way to living life. I may not be the strongest
physically but mentally I can help a child if it wants to
learn. If it will accept me as it's mother. I know I spent
too much time fighting my own mother and looking back I wish
I hadn't struggled so much but I was fighting my body for
control and when you are ill it's very hard to fight so many
things.
There
are lots of things about this life that aren't so nice to
realize or to overcome. I feel like my heart is more settled
with my husband then I could ever have imagined. I feel that
in my mind I am almost completely the person I dreamed I could
be and now I am trying to figure out where I go from here.
I can't put energy into situations where my life and what
I stand for and what I believe in is lost in a myrid of dicounted
books in the 99 cent bin. I mean more than that not just for
myself but to other people as well.
At least
now I know more about myself and my own limitations. I know
that if I have a child it will be very hard on my body and
might shorten my life tremendously but I need something to
show for all the love I have in my heart for my husband and
all the struggle and hurt and pain my mother went through
to see that I turned out to be a decent human being.
I believe
in reincarnation. I think we all choose our lives for the
challenge or experience of what we can do. Some people follow
their lots in life with closed eyes and others... people like
me choose to face life with their eyes wide open acknowledging
the danger of merely existing in a world that does not accept
itself or its surrondings.
I have
met my daughter from a previous live and I know she is mine
because her energy is so pure and so clean and so me. I know
that I must have lover her father an awful lot because she
turned out to be such a beautiful soul and she has maintained
that stance all through out her life. When I am around her
I can read every thought that is in her head and feel her
joy and sadness all the same. It's very demanding to be around
her because I feel so many things but most of all I feel joy
in knowing that she came from me. Her energy is just so beautiful
and her life although tragic in many ways is such a life...
I guess
you have to know yourself well enough in order to feel such
things. I feel God when she is in my arms. I feel myself in
God too. I know the energy, strength, and power is passed
on through the mother to make energy that rules the world.
Not so much what is reported but more of what I have traveled
to see.
So...
maybe Granny is right and I shouldn't have a child but then
again I haven't put all this effort into becoming who I am
today not to pass my defective survival of the fittest genes
on to someone else. I'm sorry but the world needs all the
passion I can give to it.
Tuesday February 12, 2002
I found
out today that I do have disability and I go in to talk to
some dude about what benefits I get on the 14th. I am sooooooo
relieved.
But on
the down side I called to see about my neurology appointment
to find out much to my horror that it was the 7th and they
think I am nuts because I went to the hospital on the 26th
of December and talked to one of those stupid Emergency room
doctors that recommended I see a psycharitrist because he
thought I was crazy.
I guess
it's a lot easier to put off neurological problems on being
crazy then it is to actually deal with them. Who cares? I
know there isn't a whole lot anybody can do about it anyway.
Florent was so pissed off he wanted to take me down there
to go protest after he got off the phone with the bitch that
refused to make an appointment for me until I have been evaluated.
Then he got angry with me because I didn't have the energy
to go run out and see these jerks.
It's
all par for the course and when you start dealing with doctors
and illnesses you lose your ability to believe in them really
quick. I am already jaded from the experiences I have had
in the past. So this rejection doesn't mean a lot to me right
now. I know there are other things and other people I can
see besides the "best" UCLA has to offer because
to be perfectly honest I don't think that shit is the best.
Florent
then gave me a big speech about how they only want to see
people that can afford the care they have to give and they
don't give a fuck about me. I think that is the truth. I think
that it's horrible that if something like this can happen
to me and you don't have health coverage they kind of just
turn you off of everything.
I have
another appointment in March to see another neurologist with
Harbor Medical Center which is the free neurological center
here in LA. Maybe those doctors will actually take the time
to listen to me but I am sure they are over worked too.
I'm laying
on my back in my usual position. unable to hold my body up
for long periods of time. I'm looking around the net for new
skin care products as I so graciously pointed out to Florent
the other day that he was getting fine lines around his eyes.
He couldn't believe it. He doesn't want to get old by wow...
he's hot.
We have
been getting along amazingly well lately. He is working his
balls off finishing up a database, taking care of me and is
now in the midsts of building 6 computers for Marshall's office.
He's a little busy and now bringing in some money which is
nice for a change. It's kind of weird. Life doesn't look too
bleek but in the same token I feel just awful and I know...
Florent
was pissed because he is convinced that by the time anyone
gets around to doing anything the damage is going to be irreversible,
even deadly. He's the one that sees me everyday when I just
lay here writhing in agony. I know there are many more people
out there like me with the same problems only they never say
anything to anyone. Or maybe no one listens.
I think
I will go to the Beverly Center tomorrow to get some Valentine's
goodies. Godiva and make up and shit like that for me. It's
weird how everything is falling into place finally. My friend
that works for Hustler said he would record me doing my diary.
Then maybe I can maket it by selling mp3s or something :)
I started
to look up what happened last February 14th but obviously
I was too depressed to write that Florent was an asshole for
forgetting me.
I woke
up in a tremendous amount of pain yesterday. I did the dishes
that had been stacking up for several days now and I couldn't
take it anymore. I woke up and could barely walk to the toilet
I was in so much pain.
Tuesday
February 19, 2002
I hate
moving! I used to love it so much but now I dread packing
everything, my life into a little box as we once again seek
accomidations in a more suitable place. We find out tomorrow
or the next day if we get this place down the road. It will
be the first time Florent and I live together alone.
The rent
is $750 and includes parking. We have looked at all kinds
of shit these last few days and I am so tired from the experience.
We looked at one dump in Santa Monica with new carpet and
paint but my god... what a dump. I would rather live in the
studio. I have given up on the apartment by the ocean. That
was $1400 too much. I am so sick of looking for another place
to move into. And I am so sick of living here too. We walk
in from being out at night and it's so damp and so cold in
this place.
This
studio I want has new carpet and new paint. Old appliances
that still work from the 50s and most of all a vanity where
I can put a chair and sit and do my make up. My mom had a
vanity where I would sit and watch her put her make up on.
It always started to get dusty and had that old make up smell.
I bought some white lipstick once because it reminded me of
the way she used to smell when she would put her make up on.
Eh who
knows. WE might find some other place that is equally as charming.
Oh there is also a little private patio where I can keep the
grill Jen got me as a wedding present. I had an interview
today to work for an attorney. A big whopping $15 an hour.
Whooo hooo! So things are looking up because on the days I
am not working at one stop I can be working for her.
I hate
being so sick and tired. I wish we had a great big bed with
lots of drawer space underneath like on my old water bed.
I am excited to move. There has been a lot going on in my
life... too much to report as it is late and I am tired.
Wednesday February 20, 2002
It's
so easy to hide a disease. I know I used to be bulemic. You
just pretend like it's not even there. Like it's not a part
of your life and then all of a sudden you are passed out on
the floor wondering why you are spitting up blood.
I
wish it was the same for the brain damage but that's not the
case. Today my nerves are sparking left and right. I had Nachos
Bellgrande from Taco Hell it's not even 8:30 and I am in my
customary position sitting in front of the computer looking
for a better opportunity, a better apartment something anything
to make my life not seem so glum.
I
am getting more stupid and it killls me. I hate losing my
intellect more than anything. You have no idea how awful it
feels when you can't even make a phone call because you don't
have the energy it takes to make it.
I
am pissed off. I feel like I am not paid enough for the work
I do and I feel like I got jipped at work $150 but then again
that might just be my brain damaged self. Tyler sent me this
awful photo of a woman with dogs painted on her tits and I
hit reply all and sent this
funny site and Tyler wrote me back and told me that wasn't
cool because one of his friends didn't like it.
I
am starting to feel really constrained at work and I don't
like it. Plus I got another job working for an attorney making
$15 an hour. I guess it's not going to be too difficult to
think that I would rather give more energy to the attorney
then to onestop.
Is
it really that hard to understand what I am going through?
I don't care enough about my appearance, I don't care if people
use me, I don't care about anything because I am in so much
pain and I need to make money now because we are so broke.
I am counting the days until I get SSI benefits because I
really need the time to lay in bed and rest. I don't have
any energy from the time I get home from work. I can't even
clean up anything because I am so wiped out.
I
can no longer do the things I want to do because I am so sick.
Florent gets sad I think and maybe that's why we fight so
much because if I am fighting I am fighting and when I am
not I am kind of pathetic. I hate feeling like I am older
than my grandma. She doesn't even have these kinds of fits.
The worst is when I am writhing in agony because the pain
is extending all the way down my spine into the base of my
skull making me feel like I am constantly going to vomit.
I'm in a lot of pain and I think to anyone that is paying
attention it's pretty obvious but then I think people forget
and it's like this shock that hey... I am disabled even if
I can talk and walk and I look perfectly normal when the truth
of the matter is that if I was as ugly on the inside as I
am on the out no one would ever look at me because if they
could see the pain the way I feel it I would be some hideous
monster.
And
maybe, just maybe that's the reason I am so kind because it
hurts so much all the time that if people can remember me
for being this strange off the wall kind of person instead
of a hideous monstrosity whose body is being molded daily
through a tremendous amount of pain and suffering. I wish
I could make myself some food. But I can't. I washed this
new forming body yesterday wondering where the flab in my
arms has gone. I don't do anything to lose weight anymore
but it seems to be melting off my body. Momma always said
that when people got thin from cancer they were dying and
I have always equated the healthy me to the fat me. This thinning
version does not know how to handle the stresses of being
thin. God I hope my tongue is barbed enough because one of
my biggest fears is not being able to protect myself from
being assulted because I am too small.
I
hate shaking. I think there will come a time when I can not
control myself at all anymore and people will just think I
am crazy, or maybe you already think that but I don't think
I am so much crazy as I am brain damaged.
Shit.
It finally feels like things are starting to come together
too.
I
am in a foul fucking mood. This place is such a fucking mess
and our room mate vomited the other night and left chunks
on the floor. I can't stand it. I hope to God we get that
place we looked at. That's where the traning will begin. I
wonder if having our own place will really make such a big
difference. I am thinking it will but who really knows?
Maybe
I am wrong and he will start training me but I doubt that.
Maybe we will just learn to live together.
Jen
and I went out last night and had dinner. It was a wonderful
night. I didn't smoke pot all day yesterday. I woke up feeling
great this morning. But now I am in a pissy mood. Florent
took my cordless phone back to Fry's and I just can't get
over it. He tells me I hated it and I KNOW I told him I loved
it. It was an awesome phone. Oh well. I wish I would break
out of this hateful mood.
I
don't know why but I feel like Florent totally did this to
me to on purpose. My dad used to do that kind of shit to me
and it pissed me off then and it pisses me off now. When people
say one thing and then do another. Right now he's on the floor
exercising and he's the jackass that says "I'm not staying
in that house one more month!" and he doesn't do jack
shit to pack. I am really way more stressed then I need to
be.
I
can't stand it. That's my new saying. Whenever anything bothers
me way to much I have to exclaim that I can't stand it.
So
we don't have that place I thought we did because we are two
people. I hate my life right now. I am sooooo stressed out
I can't stand it.
Monday February 25, 2002
"Will
you still support me?"
When
that came out of his mouth I could have died. Lots of fighting
this weekend. It's O-V-E-R. He didn't find a place for us
to cohabitate in the next 3 days that didn't include roaches.
I'm sick of his excuses that he tells himself that become
lies and I can'ty believe I was so fucking stuipd/vulnerable/idioic
over him. What a fucking jerk.
I slowly
started to realize that the stress he is putting me through
probably has a fraction of the pain I am in and that I honestly
don't need that shit in my life anymore. "lol... I am
not your wife. I don't have an engagement ring or a
wedding band that you gave me. I didn't go back with
you to France to meet your mother."
Hmmm....
note to self... do not let anyone ever dominate your personality
with their ever again as long as you live.
Anne
saw Lance the other day. My brother's best friend from a long
time ago. He's being fed through a tube and breathes through
a venalitor. "I fucked up" she told me he kept saying
to her. Drinking and driving. That shit always catches up
to you.
"He's
not the man he used to be. You wouldn't recognize him."
I think back to the last time I saw him... the zest for life
always in his eyes. You know... I'm beginning to think I put
that sparkle in people's eyes sometime. I'm beginning to see
myself more for me each and every day. I don't want to ever
get remarried but the thought of being intimate with someone
else is rather exciting.
Thinking
about Lance stuck in the hospital for 4 months has kind of
changed my opinion on life. I don't need to go through hell
as I am dying. I'm fucking dying and I know that. How I die
is a different story. Will people remember me for the positive
out look I can have on life? Will people admire me for my
integrity? Would I rather be a wife or someone stronger? I
think if I were to ever settle down again it would have to
be with someone that is more fierce than I am. Someone that
knows how to fucking fight without being a dick. Someone that
can fight without insulting me. "No man will ever want
you in your condition."
I'm Catherine
Elizabeth Clay God Dammit and everyone wants a piece of me!
Wednesday February 27, 2002
Last
night she said
Oh, Baby, I feel so down
Oh, and turned me off
When I feel left out
So I, I turned around
Oh, Baby, I don't care no more
I know this for sure
I'm walking out that door |
I went
out with Jen last night. Thinking about being single again
excites me. Especially since Florent came home last night
and told me he was fired from his job and the dude just called
and asked him where he was last night. I thought for sure
he was really fired.
So...
there ain't nothing I can understand. I think it's best just
to take care of myself and Mandy was right... ain't no body
worth it to live thorugh this kind of shit. I would rather
be a pussy-loose and fancy free cunt.
Geoff
is unpacking and my life is back in storage. I'm kind of excited
about the oppportunities that are unfolding. Rent is too high
out here. I need to find a decent place on the Westside that
has DSL and what have you CHEAP.
Am I
better off than a year ago? I don't think so. I have lived
through hell and heartbreak but for some reason I'm not depressed
and I don't know if that's what scares me even more. I need
a dependable man and I just don't think Florent is with it.
Maybe he will get his shit together but I don't think I like
his attitude towards life.
On the
up side it's Spring time in California. The night jasmine
can be smelled all throughout this part of the city as you
walk by and it sensously tickles your nose and makes you aware
of your own sexuality. I'm looking at personals with a new
umph!
What's
wrong with me? Shouldn't I be the tragic heroine crying because
my man is a jerk? Isn't my life supposed to stop? Aren't I
suppose to be remorseful of what never came to be but what
already was? Is it the baggage from my parent's divorce that
isn't making me feel tragically sad?
My dad's
birthday is coming up. Maybe I will call him and chat. I have
a lot of things I would like to talk to him about.
