Friday
July 23, 1999
So I got
this poem in the mail from Mikey... and it really made me and
makes me cry.
"Beauty of a Woman"
The beauty of a woman
Is not in the clothes she wears,
The figure that she carries,
Or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman
Must be seen from in her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart,
The place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman
Is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman
Is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives,
The passion that she shows,
And the beauty of a woman
With passing years-only grows!
Please send this to five phenomenal women today
In celebration of Women's History Month.
If you do, something good will happen -
You will boost another woman's self-esteem.
So I have
been agonizing about my life the last couple of weeks. Crying
scared, all the major emotions you feel when your life is going
into a transition, and mine is one to normalcy. I'm talking
about falling in love trying to trust someone...
Lesli
is reading Dune. She says in it, no one can trust anyone...
Imagine being raised where your own mother and father used you
as weapons to hurt one another. That's what my parents did to
me, my brother and my little sister. Since my brother had a
dick, he got preferred treatment from both my parents. Since
I looked like my mom, my father hated me and my mom expected
me to live up to some fucked up image in her mind of who she
wanted me to be. I got fat because my dad always said the reason
he divorced my mom was because she was fat. I felt like I never
had much of an identity of my own because my parents always
crammed their own stupid fucking projections on to me. Now my
brother is a fucking loser and my mom told me the second time
I went to Russia that I should have been born a boy.
I like
being a girl. I love being a woman. I can't begin to imagine
what it is like for a man to put himself in a woman's body because
I just know what it's like to look out through a woman's body
and the language... I use repulses me as much as it does you.
I am using a man's fucked up idea of the way the world should
work instead of feeling what I know is right in my heart. I
have done some really fucked up thing in the past year... and
I have no regrets because I did what I thought at that time
what was right.
... When
I think of JFK Jr. dying... I have very mixed emotions. My heart
feels so much for the Kennedy family... really it does, but
where was the out rush of sympathy for my mother, my sister
and me when we were virtually all in the hospital at the same
time facing life threatening illnesses?
Jr. took
it upon himself, he took the responsibility of having an accident
at his wife's and sister and law's own expense. His... faulty
aircraft, inexperienced flying record... we still don't know.
He decided to do that
WE NEVER FUCKING DID
Granted,
I did try to commit suicide when I was 19... but I did not succeed
thankfully because life is so fucking beautiful. I was sad about
JFK Jr. dying at first... because with him was wrapped a lot
of hope for our future... and let me just say that I feel he
was a man that lacked conviction and we don't need any other
wimpy presidents. I love Bill Clinton because even though he
is a womanizer at least he has the fucking balls to stand up
to even the slightest little shit Congress throws out to him.
He knows how to manipulate the system to his advantage and I
like that in a person. I am the same fucking way. I don't feel
like JFK would have been a strong president no matter how hard
he tried to live the life of a Kennedy he lacked a certain amount
of conviction.
The funny
thing about that poem... Women's history month is in March,
which means it's still being passed around.
I also
have this great beauty mark on the side of my face... I always
liked it because it made me feel different from the rest of
the kids because my mom always told me that it was a beauty
mark.
I suppose
we all hide our most tender parts from one another... the parts
that makes each and everyone of us an individual... I can't
hide mine so easily. I fake it real good and I have a titanium
shell but that's because I couldn't even trust my own fucking
parents.
I remember
writing a poem in high school about myself... I find it every
once in a while and one of the lines was
Who does not trust anyone
Especially herself
I am sick
of not trusting people. I am sick of feeling so alone. There
are lots of people out there that feel similarly to me because
when I am near them I can feel their energy and it feels so
good. I am one of those people. Jacinta even told some of our
friends that when she feels bad, she will go out with me and
I always make her feel better.
I don't
know if I have been misleading you by talking about all these
grim details of my life... but I really am a beautiful woman
in my heart. I feel so deeply... about so many things and I
am beginning to feel like for the first time in my life, I can
express myself more with Kevvy Joe, and it disturbs me because
not only am I going to have to submit sometimes he would like
it better (I think) if I weren't so brassy. I can not and will
not lose my individuality in another... I feel too strongly
about myself.
I was
going to take a job in Estonia... but I wasn't hired. He told
me I could have my freedom and I was serious about this job
and he totally flipped. Well, not really... he would only say
"I would be sad to see you go."
But I knew
when I wasn't offered the position, my entire family breathed
a sigh of relief. I don't think a year is that long.
So...
I am moving too. I have, for the past week been cleaning up
baby poop and fixing breakfast for my nephews and Colin. Yeah
I am living up the party girl image this week. I'm have a LARGE
time. Moving boxes spending money on ceiling fans, etc because
my apartment is only going to cost me $300 a month and although
it has light fixtures from the turn of last century in it (yeah,
I am willing to bet that whole fucking building needs to be
rewired) and the outside of the house looks like shit, the inside
is amazing... and my apartment maintained some of it's antiquitous
feeling while Kevin's apartment (he's moving into a different
apartment) is totally renovated and new.
HQ is
going out of business on Outer Loop. I am hoping to get some
really great deals. I haven't decided if I am going to get a
phone yet. I am pissed off at Bell South first for charging
so fucking much money for shitty service that doesn't even have
digital lines... what a fucking joke. I hate our phone system...
but at least it's better here then in Germany or Spain because
that's how those governments make their money. Leticia said
last summer in order to get a phone hooked up in Madrid, you
would have to pay $800. Michael tells me he is taxed for each
second he spends on the phone and we just get a connection fee
and can use the phone as much as we want. We are taxed regardless
how much we use our phone. And Internet services for Dial up
connections are right around $14-$20.
But I
can't justify spending another $120 to have my phone turned
on in a new location and pay $33 a month for shit I don't even
use verses paying $100 for a cellular phone and just $28 a month
with free long distance. That's almost a crime. It's sad to
think Cellular phones are such a much better deal then using
fucking Bell South. I hate those fuckers.
It's late
and I am tired. I have to wake up early so I can feed the babies
tomorrow. I don't think I am ready to become a mother just yet...
I enjoy sleeping in late too much.
Thank
you to all of you that sent kind letters to me while I decompressed.
I refuse to define myself on the events that have happened to
me in my life alone because I do not lack conviction, and I
honestly believe we all need to stand up for what we feel is
right. The world would be a much better place.
Saturday
July 24, 1999
The air...
so thick and disgusting. It was so hot the other day when Kevin
came to pick me up at Lesli's that we couldn't even talk. We
sat there in silence, maddening silence but it was too hot to
talk and the truck couldn't handle the heat outside and cooling
us off.
I think
it's hot enough to see your breath. It's so humid here in Kanfuckme
that when you swim in refreshing water the stank, stale humidity
clings to your skin as if it were a part of you when you come
out.
I keep
hearing in the back of my mind my nephew Noah saying "where'd
Nate go?" He is so sweet. He's such a little man already. He
has darker hair on his legs... you can tell he is going to be
a real mainly man.
"Have
you ever been so tired you can't even sleep?" I asked Nate today.
"No."
I can't
sleep now... my mind is reeling. Naturally it didn't help that
I just got off the phone with Roman. The older I get the more
I feel like a character in a tragic Russian novel, but I don't
think many novels in Russia are ever happy. I suppose we all
like to stew in other people's misery, that's why Jerry Springer
is so popular.
I don't
suppose that it helps much that I have one of my favorite photos
from last year as my background. I think I am clinging to the
past a little too much these days. I remember sitting at a shit
hole cafe with him last summer, as we were to make our way to
Kiev and I looked at him and looked around me and thought...
this is so fucked up. I think I would rather be there thinking
the same fucking thing again then here where the weather is
so hot and I have to move.
I knew
better then that. I should have waited to move.
But I
am a sucker for punishment. Here I am after spending a hellish
day (because I had no sleep the night before and Noah woke me
up at 7:30 asking me "where's mom?") of not sleeping, moving
shit all around, running from store to store buying more and
more shit.
I would
like to finish my thoughts, collect them but I think I am still
a little tender.
Sunday
July 25, 1999
Kevvy
Joe has been a dick lately. I know he is stressed about work
and moving and the heat doesn't make it any better nor does
the full moon but that's not my fucking fault and I don't take
that kind of shit from anyone, especially from the man I am
fucking. This is why he is at home jacking off all by his lonesome
tonight instead of our usual routine of at least an hour of
servicing. I may be spoiled now, but I can keep my legs shut
if I feel I am not being treated well. I did learn a thing or
two from Lysistrata.
I talked
to
Jennifer today. I appreciate her a great deal. I read her
journal where she was talking about how she doesn't really stand
up for herself when confronted . I am kind of the same way...
I am a people pleaser and I think I am not going to be such
a people pleaser so much. I think I should quit showing too
much consideration for other people especially since I don't
feel like I am so appreciated of late.
I read
in USA Today Weekend about altruistic people and I feel that
I am a very altruistic person because I feel that if you give
the best to people you will get it back. I try not to have motives
behind my feelings or behave in a certain way, unless, of coarse,
I am fucking a guy and then I am not so altruistic.
I now
know I have really great friends. Damian, Grisha and Sudha all
helped Kevin move his heavy stuff yesterday and some of mine.
The great thing about it is they didn't bitch or complain but
were just wonderful. If people act like it's such a big deal
to help me out, then I am much more reluctant to ask for anything
because they need to somehow feel like what they are doing for
me is such a big fucking favor. I hate that.
I don't
bitch or complain to people too much when I am trying to help
them out but sometimes I feel like I am taken advantage that
way. Hence the discussion with Jenn. Plus I am really excited
about going to her wedding in October.
Damian's
brother's girlfriend had surgery for cervical cancer yesterday.
She is just 18.
When I
said that shit about JFK Jr., I feel that I am justified in
my thinking. I hate how America is a very "what have you done
for me today" kind of society.
I don't
think you can get much more "American" then me. I can trace
my heritage through my grandmother to both Woodrow Wilson and
Robert E. Lee (which is how I am related to Zack). And on my
dad's side... Well, my dad is one of the best lawyers to contend
with sexual harassment in the state of Kentucky. My grandfather
was Commonwealth attorney and was a key player in getting the
Toyota planet to come to Kentucky. His father was a great lawyer
as was his. Somewhere I am related to Cassius Marcellus Clay,
who was an abolitionist (which is where I assume Muhammad Ali
got his name. Slaves were given the last name of their owners
and in order to honor Cassius M., Muhammad Ali was named for
him as was his father) that not only set his slaves free but
was the first Ambassador to Russia under Abraham Lincoln. He
was a cousin to Henry Clay, who was known as the Great Compromiser
and was the Secretary of State. He sponsored the Missouri Compromise
and ran for president 4 different times.
So...
when I say I am American, I mean that I can trace my heritage
back... He was defeated in the presidential election against
that genocidal maniac, Andrew Jackson. I wonder to myself on
occasion how different my life could be if he had won, but then
history would be a different place indeed.
When I
think about the Kennedy family, I think of them as Americans,
sure, but I don't think what happened to him and his wife is
a tragedy.
I think
the life of Hannah, a beautiful 5 year old girl with Russian
parents lost to cancer is a real fucking tragedy. She was a
first generation American. She was to hold more hope for her
parents because they were both immigrants. They were more in
touch with what being American is all about then the Kennedy's.
Money, power, corruption, rape and murdering other people is
not something I would consider to be admirable traits, although
it does fit into the idea of what "royalty" is all about.
I have
seen what too much money does to people. I came from a father
whose father had too much money. He was spoiled with material
wealth but never given the love that children need. I think
this is why celebrities try to raise their own children out
of the limelight for a while so that the children don't have
to contend with the emptiness money can bring to people's lives.
And I think we as a public should respect that privacy.
So when
I make statements about being a blue blood and understanding
that fucked up system, I know what I am talking about. That
way of thinking is outdated as much of the thinking of today
is. We have a long way to go as far as human rights are concerned.
Especially women's rights. I just won't get started on that
one.
I have
many rights. I am exercising my right to sleep alone tonight,
and I think that is a very good thing indeed.
Monday
July 26, 1999
I am not
ready to be a mother just yet. I don't have the patience required
nor do I feel the maternal instinct kicking in just yet. I love
my nephews, but I wouldn't want to live with them. I suppose
that's the difference between being their aunt and their mother.
Last week Lesli came home at 3 and I was so happy to see her.
I never understood why she was always so happy to see me before
until that moment, then I understood everything.
I was
out in the pool with 2 babies and Nate and I was scared the
entire time that someone would fall in the water over their
head.
Kevin
called me earlier when I put the babies to bed. I forgot to
take my antibiotic so I am sick once again but hopefully when
I go home and take it I will feel better once again. Plus my
car is ready from the shop. Kevin said he missed me paging him
earlier in the day when he was in court. I told him he is going
to have to start treating me better because I can be treated
less then what I am by any swinging dick.
I think
Roman is one of the best men on the planet. He's my hero. Until
I met him I lost all faith in men and knowing he exists on this
planet made me feel better then you could ever imagine. He's
a beautiful man with a beautiful soul. He's not perfect, but
he's damn close.
I was
talking to Echo the other day on ICQ. It was a nice conversation
and I told her again and again how wonderful she is. I think
true beauty lies in not being afraid to be the person you are.
As long as you pretend to be someone you aren't then the cracks
and flaws soon come to surface in your character. I have had
some fractures in my character, but now I think they are coming
together.
Thinking
about Kevin and some of the shit he says made me remember just
why it was that I preferred to be a slut instead of settling
down into a relationship. As long as you aren't in a relationship,
you don't have to put up with swinging dick's mouth. Kevin wanted
me to take him more seriously. I think his last girlfriend fawned
all over him and doted on his every whim. I believe that's what
he misses about her. I am not like that. I do not emotionally
invest in one person although I have come to be rather dependent
on Zack and that's a good thing. I feel like as long as we stay
together there is someone I can grow old with and that's a good
thing too.
I can't
wait to get moved in. My apartment was cleaned yesterday. The
girl before was evicted so her shit was everywhere. They cleaned
it yesterday except they forgot to clean under the stove and
fridge. I think I can live with that though and clean it myself.
Some days I feel like I am never going to get all the way moved
and other days I think everything will happen like it should.
I hate
being so tired. I hate this miserable heat. 11 days it has held
us captive. I told Kevin that even if I wasn't babysitting I
wasn't sure what I would do because it is so hot. I suppose
I would be fixing up my new apartment.
Wednesday
July 28, 1999
Kevin
and I are getting along better. I think the main problem is
this nasty heat we have been suffering through and moving. Moving
is such a pain in the ass. I have most of my stuff packed and
ready to go.
We went
out to eat after they won their softball game last night. I
think his buddy Jeff should date Melissa. But we will see. Melissa
is moving this week too. She's moving into a nice place that
has a pool and Colin and I went swimming there yesterday.
Kevin
got another bloody knee from sliding into home. It was just
healing up too. I was happy about that because he left a big
blood stain on my sheets the other week.
Lesli
gave me some money today and that made me feel really good.
I didn't expect her to at all but it will help fix my car. Last
week when Nate and I were swimming in their pool I asked him
if he knew who taught me how to swim underwater. I can remember
that summer she taught me to swim in the deep end of the pool
and I had to swim from one end to the other.
I wonder
what kind of monster I would have turned out to be if it weren't
for Lesli.
I hope
she feels appreciated by me. I love her a great deal and sometimes
I forget how much of my life has been with her. I don't think
I could ask for a better older sister.
Anyways...
all is pretty quiet. I am exhausted from watching the boys and
moving and the heat, but I guess that just to be expected. Hopefully
it will break soon.
Thursday
July 29, 1999
When he
first puts himself in me... it takes my breath away and I always
mutter "oh God." He looked at me last night after we left the
party and asked me why when we have sex it feels different then
before. I have no easy answer for that. I just know that every
time we are intimate, it feels different every time. I don't
know how it can feel this way, but it does.
It's like
we both forget what it's like to be in one another... and every
time it feels different so it always feels new. I think part
of the problem we both have with one another is that we both
feel such strong emotions when we are together, emotions we
haven't found with other people that we get mad at the other
person for making us feel this way. I know I never anticipated
being overwhelmed... and I know sometimes when he comes home
from work all stressed out and he starts to take it out on me
that he is just frustrated because he doesn't want to admit
that he is overwhelmed with emotion.
But I
am the same way. I won't tell him I love him because I am scared
that this will be taken away from me. I am scared that the good
times will evaporate and the sex will only come once or twice
a week instead of everyday.
I will
be thrilled when all this moving business is over. I can't wait
until we are settled and we can fall into a better routine.
Last night
he was a little tipsy and last night he went on forever. I'm
very sore today... rubber burns. And I am very empty. I think
about him most of the day, what things are going wrong, things
he lets fly out of his mouth that bear no consequence to him
but enrage me just the same.
Today
I am going to think about last night. Good God it was so passionate
and so much better then before, but that always seems to be
the case. I knew on my birthday that this could be interesting
because I have never seen a man with such a short refectory
period... He says that it confuses him too. I don't think he
knows where the stamina comes from. At this point I just don't
give a shit. I like having at least three orgasms in one hour.
I can live with that. And when my body is so responsive back
to the things he does to please me it furthers his willingness
to please me more.
I love
this time in my life... I hate moving, but I love the change.
When I think about how I wanted to die I get a little sad and
am grateful that I didn't because I never knew such passion
could exist between two people. I know that I feel like a better
person these days... more forgiving, more loving just more everything.
I wish
my good mood could rub off on people but I am finding that that
idea is a near impossibility. Oh well, I think it's enough that
I feel so much on my own.
He said
something last night that disturbed me... like there is going
to be something else that might come along and make this life,
these sensations disappear, like there is some foreboding looming
in the background. I am personally sick of living my life in
such a manner. I lived that way when mom was alive. Damian came
over the day before and told me all the shit going on in his
life and I was thankful for a change that my life has been peaceful.
I think I deserve it.
I wrote
a letter to my dad telling him I would forgive him if he would
do what he said he would and pay for my college education. I
don't know what is wrong with me and why I get these notions
that for some reason my father still cares about me somewhere
in his heart. My brother then ridiculed me for it because he
felt threatened. I am glad to know his position isn't so secure
with my father.
But I
also know in that little exhibit of anger that he still ridicules
me himself, and that will never change no matter what kind of
wonderful person I am. I hurt my father by reacting to his abuse
in a manner as equally offensive as his abuse. He ruined my
childhood with his selfish ways... and my reaction to his abuse
was excessive but what alternative did I have? He refuses to
admit he did anything wrong to warrant such strong emotions
and now I just pity him. I thought I could love him once again,
but I have decided that he is better off in a past that can
never be resolved. My life still continues and no matter how
hard he tried to convince me that I was worthless myself, I
find other people, good people that live their lives responsibly
love and care about me.
I can
no longer worry about what he can and can not do for me because
he is so far removed from my life, and I think I am much happier
that way. I don't have to listen to him bitch or tell me how
to live my life. I hear some people complain about their own
fathers and I smile to myself because I know I don't have to
deal with that shit.
There
is a side that also grieves though. That part I can not let
go so easily. The part that didn't get a car for her 16th birthday
(not like he would have gotten me a car anyways), the part that
didn't get to enjoy a cocktail for the first time when she was
21 with her daddy. The part that knows he will never be there
when I walk down the aisle or kiss my children on their newborn
heads. These things mean something to me... which is why I have
been so careful about the relationships I have had with men.
I didn't care to please myself sexually and be a slut. I loved
that part of myself when I didn't have to listen to a man bitch
and complain about his day at the office. But on the other side
I know that I will choose a man that will be a daddy to his
little girls. Who will teach them how to drive, who will kiss
their fears away and who will love their mother until the day
she dies.
I deserve
that kind of man and nothing less.
So...
when Kevin is on top of me, pleasing me in his very special
way this kind of life where I am loved so deeply is the only
answer to his question of why it's so good between us, because
he understands what it means to lose a parent, and he understand
how important life means today because there is always something
in the background... looming to take it all away.
I can't
imagine feeling this way for anyone else, and I am not sure
I even want to. Life is too short and I think I have a great
man, someone who is as great to me as I am to myself... even
if it's just all in my mind.
He talks
dirty to me as he slides it in and out. He tells me how he feels
himself when he is deep inside of me and how much he loves my
pussy. It makes me use every muscle in my body to push on him
harder, with as much force as I can muster. He gets harder and
faster in me when I push and that forces my G-spot out more
and more so when he hits it another wave of pleasure rushes
all over my body. I close my eyes as a mini orgasm builds and
cause me to squirt. He goes faster and I moan louder because
it feels so good. Nothing makes me feel better then having him
so deep inside of me. Sometimes I look up at him, sweat dripping
and that "why can't I come" look blazon across his face. If
he thinks I am most beautiful when he is inside of me then he
is more handsome this way because I know I am the only one to
give him such expressions of ecstasy.
