What a
bitch. I came home last night and cried the whole way home.
I was $100 short from getting that apartment that I wanted
and Florent was being an ass and not paying me and that fucking
whore died on me and now I hate her even more for not letting
a lot of shit go so she could have lived to have been my
friend.
I cried and cried. The asshole at work only takes me into the office to tell me there are no sick days, that there is no documentation concerning my disease and that I am going to be written a warning letter for missing so many days.
I can only pray a shit load at this point to hope that my diary takes off. I need to work more on it now. I finished the cover design I think. Now it looks really fucking slick.
I begged
Richard to Rolf me and I hate that I have not written more
about this relationship. To understand rolfing would be to
understand the need for tuning up your car or scrubbing your
feet from the dead skin or simply having your teeth cleaned.
Long term maintenance.
He has called it power assisted yoga. He has called it many things. All I know is that when he is done I can use my body in ways I wouldn't have known about had I known they had not existed.
He starts in the center of my back and moves the strain and tensions I have been holding in my spine and melts the energy away. He pushes back on the pieces that are pushing out so that they pull themselves back together.
When he first moves along my back my whole body wakes up in excitement. I know there is going to be such a relief by the end of the session. My eyes will roll back in my head depending on where his magic hands are caressing my body. When his hands and elbows are buried deep into my back, my wings are set free to fly.
When
his arms move along the leg that is always electrocuting
me my body starts to sigh from the relief that I can't exactly
give to myself.
My favorite places that he touches me are in the tissue that glues my tits to my chest. He can heave a brest up and use his finger to dig deep into the muscle tissue underneath my tits. That gives me more room to breathe and relax.
The back
of my legs also ranks up high especially the tendons from
my ass to the back of my knee. I am getting used to him rolfing
the tender places where my ovaries are caving into the tremors
forcing them to expel the loose ova.
I can't
tell you how much better I feel that I can fit into my frame
once he is done and there is photography to show the before's
and after's.
Everything is coming together. It's very hard but it is.
I passed up that once place. I was $100 short and the guy wanted to close the deal the night I didn't have the money. The other place I fear has gone to someone else but right now I am floating. I might have to go up North and if that happens then my life will be changing again. I can still take my insurance test up there. I can save up some money and come back down when I feel I have a good cushion. I don't think I will sell as much as I could up there though. This is not an easy decision to make but it's not like I would have to stay up there all the time.
I went
and saw Heather and Ashley today finally. They are such hotties.
Emery and Michelle and I often through of that movie to them
when I thought of them coming back out here. They really
worked hard at their Jo Mints. I love them. They are so yummy.
I can
do some wonders for them on the website. I really love their
product because they are tiny mints that have just enough
caffeine. I really should go to bed. I have to go back
to Insurance school tomorrow. I am so tired.
Monday August 18, 2003
FUCK!!!
Let me start by saying yeah me for keeping this journal up to date as best I could for 6 full years! WOW!
I slept the entire time
he drove up here. We had our INS appointment and I made him buy me so many
things. New lipstick from Orgins, powder and lotion to wear at night so I
can stop flaking.
After that we went to my favorite store, Weston Wear on 19th and Valencia in San Francisco. We were both exhausted but we managed to sit and bitch at one another more. Basically he wants to stay married and I am just too over it. I want to have sex with other men and I have already.
Part of me is up here just to get everything worked out. I feel like I have my life in the palm of my hands and I am just stepping away so that I can watch it and see what happens.
The Armenian is a dud. Such a shame too. I'm always sad to see a good cock wasted on a piece of shit. I fucked a script supervisor the other day which could be a good things in the grand scheme of things.
Can I tell you how weird it was to actually talk after having sex? In English?
Buzzy told Rachael that
I was doing someone else and she said "I hope he's American."
"No." I laughed.
I can't tell you how happy it makes me to be with the girls. Zoe is such a cutie and it's wonderful to get baby love and 2 teeth kisses. She is walking way early. She started at 9 months. I'm surprised she isn't talking already.
The photos I took of Erin are to die for. I am so impressed with the way they turned out and she said I could use them on my site. I think I am going to do that so I can start raising funds for the Arachnoid Cyst Foundation.
I must also add how strange
it is to be here on one level because we went to the Zucchini festival the
other day in Hayward and Kelly knew a lot of people. I just can't imagine
having that small town feeling of knowing your neighbor or someone else.
My ass hurts. I hadn't had a BM for some time because I spent a lot of time sleeping this weekend. Yesterday I didn't wake up until almost 2. I so needed the rest. I feel like I could spend the next 2 weeks that way I am so tired.
I was really hurt that they wouldn't let me go to the SAAC show because I was told for the last 4 months that I would be going. I just went to work to pack all my shit up and leave and that is what I did. No notice, no thank you nothing. I was so sick of putting up with the lies and bullshit that I just left. I sent a resignation letter and just left. It wasn't very healthy for me to be there after they lied to me and cheated me out of the only reason I was there.
I mean you can't tell someone something for so long and then all of a sudden have that taken away from you for no real reason at all. It just wasn't right for them to do that and it made me feel like I was less of a person because they didn't want me at the show. I don't need that kind of unhealthy life style.
I think it's totally
bizarre though that Connie was talking about keeping her place and I was
thinking that I could possibly have a job up here and it's so strange how
sparks start flying like that when it's totally unintentional. Like you think
up your own destiny. I think I am going to start thinking about HIM again.
The man I want to be with. Big cock, great job, a cutie...
I need to find a publisher for Volume III now. I can't wait to hold Nymphomania in my hands.
Wednesday
August 27, 2003
I know it's
been a while since I have written but I have been so busy lately that I don't have much time to myself.
I am in heaven .I love being with the Girls. I love getting baby love and
baby kisses. To me being here and watching this young ladies grow is beautiful.
I would have never have thought Erin would be so natural at being a mother.
She is a good one too. She has had the honor of being with Zoe a lot. I think
it's really made her grow up faster than me because not even I feel as responsible
as she does.
I love being around Kelly and talking with her every night. I love what I am doing. I was thinking the other day that this is probably the happiest I have been in a long time. Pitching in and helping out when I feel like I am able, fixing dinner for more than 3 people and then being rewarded with a wonderful meal when I come home sometimes too.
It's very easy to get spoiled this way.
I do not have to drive at all. Pedro
does it all. We have really wonderful conversations on the way to work and on the drive home. Right now my life is more normal than ever. It feels like the combination of the fine dining of living with my father to the ease and comfort of living with Momma.
I feel like I am healing in so many ways.
I come home and relax. Sometimes me and the ladies will go for a spin. Last
weekend was Zoe and Alise's birthday party and there were so many people here
I had to come and hide for a bit. I am still not accosted to being around large
crowds.
Last Sunday was magical. I had a date with what turned out to be a toad (because
he told me how to write about him in my diary) but for the day I really felt
like a Princess frolicking in the forest. I felt the redwood's hair underneath
my feet in a forest near La Honda. There was a creek bubbling by that looked
awfully tempting to go back to my Tom Boy ways and go looking for tadpoles.
Florent calls me more now than when we were together in some ways. Some times he doesn't even bother. I have a doctor's appointment at Cedars that I don't even remember making. They called me on my cell phone and told me about the appointment so I must have made it since I have had this cell or they called Richard and gave him this number.
I'm so excited to go back to LA this weekend!!! Things are finally picking up. Zorba is going to pay me the money I asked for. Zack is going to be in town and I get to see Buzzy too!
Friday
August 29, 2003
The clouds brush over the land like a mist of water over a waterfall. The flight moves faster than I imagined. Staring into the clouds with the sun shining above them, one of my favorite sights to take in entrances me. It looks as if cotton pads are floating over San Francisco as we leave. I feel pity for all those stuck underneath the ether.
I'm fucking John again tonight. I didn't even bother to tell Florent I was coming in to town although I think I will meet with him on Monday unless the block party is swinging that day. I dunno... Olga hasn't called me so who knows if it's even real.
I got paid today. $952. I was making about $1000 every two weeks with my commission at Camera Ready Art. Fond memories are not endearing of that place... I guess it's all in my attitutde.
I really love Verio. I can't believe I was paid so much just to be trained.
I wrote to Tyler. I need to build a shopping cart for all the people that want access to my diary and for my erotic photographs as well. I'm very excited to see John. Once I get to the airport I am going to run into the bathroom and throw away this sweater I am wearing. All my clothes either perfectly fit or are way too big now. I am very sad to see the way too big clothes go because they were so hard to find but I just don't have the chance to put it all together.
I had a bitchfest on the phone the other day with Florent. I told him all the reasons I really hated him and why I was so angry with him. He told me he was sad and that he was missing me and I took that opportuntiy to pulverize his heart for being such an asshole. Not having a job, not paying insurance, not taking me to France and making sure I had health care... so many reasons to be so pissed off that I try not to even think about them anymore.
The sun is setting to my right. I've been working on my diary, hanging with the girls. It's time to land.
