Wednesday September 1, 1999

Wow... I didn't think I would make it this far... the beginning of the third year. Sigh. I never knew I had it in me to be perfectly honest and with the way things had been going I almost thought I would never write in this thing again not more then a month ago.

I am amazed how much I have changed. As I watched the TV news commemorate the anniversary of Princess Diana dying, I remembered writing in my diary about how come she had to die and who judges such things and why my mom got to live. Boy that didn't take but a few months to rectify, did it?

I can't imagine what hell those boys go through. I wonder if they were all that close to their mother. I understand there is some kind of strength in moving on... but to do so in a public forum such as they do... that's pretty depressing.

I have been running like a chicken with it's head cut off today. I thought I fucked up my interview... what a mess, by trying to get the brakes fixed on my car. Just when I was getting my most frustrated and I wanted to die, I call Melissa and she comes to get me and as usual, by the time my car is operational, she is there and I no longer need her. I hate being stuck in such a fucked up situation.

I went to the doctor this morning and told her I was still in a lot of pain. She ran some more X-rays and blood tests to make sure I am ok and I went and picked up my gem of a Gall Stone from the Path lab.

Just as I had hoped to take it home with me in it's imagined pristine calcium form they handed me this crystalline glob of what appeared to be a tiny chunk of country fried steak. I wanted to heave but not until after I picked that bitch up with my own fucking fingers.

How could this little fucking thing make me so sick all summer?

Anyways, the Doctor said it was big. I wish I knew why I felt so gross. I think the thing that bothers me the most about this pain and surgery that I had is that I haven't broken down and cried. I have teared up some, but no real water works. No big gushes. Just mostly moans and grunts and an overwhelming feeling to not have that shit in my body anymore. I told her the Vicodan wasn't really working so great so she gave me another prescription of Percocet.

I fucking hate Pep Boys on Breckenridge Lane. Those fuckers didn't tell me it would take fucking 3 hours to change my brakes and my oil. I don't know how it slipped my mind, but I had forgotten to have the oil changed for a year now. I would like to use the my mom died excuse... and maybe back then it was still usable. At least this week I can have the Vicodan excuse. "Um... I really don't remember because you see, I had my gall bladder taken out and even though I am dizzy normally the whole room is spinning..."

Kevin and I got into it. I get in these fits sometimes where I feel like he doesn't really treat me as well as he should and then after we fought he came back here and we fussed at one another some more. I think we need some alone time. I think we both hate how dependent we have become on one another but at the same time I can't help but enjoy being with him.

When he is near me, it doesn't hurt so much and I just feel better knowing he is close to me. We went back and forth and I suppose it was a good thing... I told him I felt like I needed to go away for a while or just not compound his problems and that doesn't seem to be an option he is even considering at this point so that is a relief.

Then we talked about how I kind of have a problem saying no to him and how he"You wouldn't teach your children that bullshit (southern Culture)... well, I hope not... not if they are MY children."

Which made me smile a little more. God, I think the thought of marrying someone, anyone at one time left me feeling nauseating, although there were times I was rearing to marry Andy and I liked that idea.

Have I just bought into this bullshit culture??? Oh my God... am I growing up? Why does having a house of my own sound so much more appealing then it did a few years ago... have I mellowed??? AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

There were two highlights to this most stressful day... one was when all my bosses were sitting around a computer like a campfire and along came that naked photo of Mike with the star covering his privates. Jeff gave a nervous laugh and said "That isn't Andrew ? Ha ha"

"Um, no."

Then I showed Kevvy Joe and his dimples came out like the embarrassed Catholic School boy he can be at times.

But I also got to see Mary Walters!!! My old boss from when me and Jacinta first became friends. I have missed her so much, you can't imagine. I was thinking of her the other day when I was painting and then I remembered asking her why she married her husband and she answered me "I don't know."

That was one of those days I remember so clearly in the back of my mind... because that's when I was hell bent on being with Andy. I think I am going to take this Kevin thing more slowly. Just step away from the line.

OK... I am high hand I need to stop or this one entry will be longer then the first month I ever kept my journal.

Thank you to all those that keep reading. Your support has meant the world to me.

Friday September 3, 1999

I think I am feeling totally threatened right now. I am not living in the ideal circumstances at the moment nor do I have a job. I am going a little crazy right now.

Kevin and I got into a fight and I think I was suppose to apologize for saying something stupid. Thank God Zack was home and I could clear things up with him or what I felt was going wrong with Kevin that how I feel and the situations I am in currently... I know that Zack knows me well enough to comment on some of my behavior patterns and tell me what he thinks is going on verses how I can irrationally see things at times.

He just told me it was difficult for people even when they care about one another to agree on everything and it doesn't have to be traumatizing to the other person if they are careful...

I don't know how things are going between me and Kevin right now. I am not happy, he is not happy and maybe we are just going through a really hard time together right now and instead of feeling support, we tend to grind each other's gears. I can't remember the last time we went out and had fun and he flirted with me and made me laugh.

I think we have been spending way too much time together. Or maybe too much time bitching about other things. I don't know but I am tired of the way our relationship is going at this moment in time. I am glad to sleep alone tonight.

Kevin got mad at me for not telling him I was sore and that it wouldn't be such a hot idea to have sex. Sometimes, I think men listen with different ears. I am sure I told him the other day that it wasn't a great idea but I can't say no and we ended up fucking and I think it was too soon for my body. I don't blame him at all... maybe just a tiny bit, but I should have used better judgment.

Sigh... Anne calls it the pleasing disease. Or something like that.

Maybe I am the one not ready to be involved right now... maybe I am still trying to figure too much of myself out without needing the excess baggage. Maybe I am wrong... But I know I am right and I think it's ludicrous to second guess myself at this point in time.

I am not happy with the way things are going and I am not happy with some of the attitudes Kevin has. Maybe they are just too different then my own. We have watched Dharma and Greg for the past 2 weeks... it's on the same time as Will and Grace and since I am a fag hag I would much rather see the parallel to my life instead of what I hadn't had. Now that I think about it being the Bohemian girlfriend with the Lawyer boyfriend is not as cute as reality allows it to be.

I wish my mom were still alive. I miss her today. My scars have been hurting and my body has all these funky sensations running through it.

I talked with Zack tonight for 3 hours. It was one of the longest conversations I have had since I used to talk to Justin Keibler on the phone when I was a teen.

He was my first fag love. I loved him so much. WE talked on the phone for hours on end... sometimes until the day broke and we had to go to school not too long after day break. I miss him so much, you just can't even imagine.

But it seems that I have found someone so much better in Zack. He really means the world to me... I have got to sleep now... yea!!! I have the bed to myself!!!!!

Saturday September 4, 1999

Today has been a pretty pissy day. I am felling a lot better so I painted my foyer and bathroom and I am almost completely done painting but since Kevin and I got into it last night it has been a sad day for me.

I go back and forth wondering if he's the one and all that shit but I don't think I am ready to make such a decision in my life right now. I just want to see how things go a day at a time.

Sigh... am I getting myself into a situation I deplore? Zack and I were talking about how whenever we are out of relationships all we want is to be in one and when we are in one we go over everything that sucks about being in one. It's a never ending cycle.

I think our relationship is lack a certain standard of intimacy and that does not make me happy. Maybe it's just one of those things that comes with time but if Kevin' isn't going to open up to me and share his thoughts and feelings then I don't know if it's worth it, even though he did tell me he loves me.

I hate how it's like pulling teeth to get that out of man... but I was more stubborn and waited for him to tell me he loved me before I told him I loved him. I think I had loved him long ago, I don't think it's much to love anyone but I think it's hard to stay in love. So many things have been happening in both of our lives to make this relationship rocky. Maybe I am just full of it and maybe we have one of the most normal relationships going but it doesn't seem like people ever want to talk about some of the personal problems they have so you think there is nothing really wrong.

I have been very angry with my father today. Angry for him being such an immature dick that he couldn't behave like an adult in our relationship. Angry because he has made it impossible for me and him to have any kind of relationship. Angry because I can't call him up and ask him what I should do and angry because he is not here for me when I feel like I need him the most.

I feel like I am walking in limbo and I am just hovering above the ground with my feet in the air.

I wrote Kevin a letter and as I did I cried. Why does it have to hurt so much to express my feelings? Anne calls it the "disease to please".

Well, we have been together now starting 3 months now, which happens to be the longest relationship I have been in since Andy and I broke up. And after the freaky fling I had with James I wanted someone so normal and into normal sex that being with Kevin was a welcome change but I am starting to feel the need to make things a little freaky, like fucking in public places.

God... I am starting to have these amazing sexual fantasies and I haven't had those in a while. I think I kind of killed off that part of me when Andy would nix things I wanted to do in the bud. That has made it a little harder for me to express myself.

Well, the paint fumes have gotten to me too much and I am ready to make up so I am going to call Kevin.

Sunday September 5, 1999

It's 8 o'clock and I have been up since 4, my body protesting with sore, achy muscles from my self-imposed pity party yesterday.

I tried to use my phone last night only to find out earlier that day it had been unplugged when I was moving things around in my "new" closet. I missed Jenn's call and I have been desperately wanting to talk with her for what seems to be weeks now. I think I accident re-programmed someone else's wrong number unless she changed hers.

We went to Utopia last night. I wrote Kevin a letter about how I feel and started to cry as I wrote it. I think it's funny how hard I eat my emotions sometimes and what kind of comment is that on me... I can't cry when they slice and dice on my body but when my emotions are involved I would rather pin them up and hold on to them until I explode.

I was a very violent teenager. I watch Katie Kaboom on Animaniacs every once in a while and I am like "Yep that was me". I wish I could stand up for myself better sometimes.

I looked in the mirror at myself dancing and I can already see a more drastic change in my figure. To say it disturbs me to no end would be an understatement. When I was a little girl my mom told me that when I grew up I would have to beat the boys off with a stick. Then I kept weight on even though I was barfing my brains out. To be perfectly honest I think the reason I had something wrong with my gall bladder was a number of things. The main reason being that I was bulimic for almost 7 straight years of my life, and another reason is that I love drinking milk. I could drink a gallon in 2 days if I am not careful. When the milk commercials first came out I went mad because finally there was a cool campaign for something I loved so much. These days those new Gap commercial really have me going.

I know I suffer from OCD. I don't know what to do to make it any better and I am not so sure that it's something that has gotten out of control. At least these days it pertains mostly to my web page, so it's constructive. I can sit at my computer and a half a day goes by and all I have done is fucked with my images or done a little improvement here and there. You have no idea how much work can go into one of these things. Links have to be kept current and so do keeping up the images. I think I have found a way to optimize my images without too much agony involved.

So I woke up with extremely sore muscles this morning. I took a half of a Percocet and thought that would put me to sleep. Thank God I am done with the worst part of painting so my hands don't have to go through the torture of more carprel tunnel. It didn't put me to sleep so I went and took a hot bath. I looked at my now robin's egg blue bathroom in amazement. Before my bathroom was the nauseous dark tan color with baby shit smeared next to the toilet where the white trash cunt that lived here before me just threw a diaper and missed the garbage. I tried to clean it up but not too hard. I finally cleaned it up and now where the trim was white before is now a deep blue. I have a poster I bought in Madrid... well it's more like some kind of screened process, of my favorite painting, The Garden of Earthly Delights so when I lay in my bath tub I can look up at the slanted ceiling (my bathroom sits under the staircase) and see many of the wonders of that painting. I can see that Dali studied Bosch.

I let the water run really hot and I looked down and saw the new scar in between and just below my tits. It is not symmetrical. If she had cut me just a few centimeters to my right then it would be perfect but it goes off to the left a little. I think this is something that will remain the bane of my existence. And it's not flat like the 3 other scars.

Kevin was good company last night. We drank a lot and then came home and had our first night of wild monkey sex. I told him I was meeting Michael in Chicago since Zack kind of raised an eyebrow when I told him on the phone the other night. I am excited about seeing Michael again.

One of the things I enjoy the most about Kevin is his perpetual hard on. He can come and like 2 and a half minutes later he has another hard on. This makes him very special in my book because that means I can get another healthy dose of pleasure.

I think you can tell if a man is the one for you by the way he makes you feel when he's inside of you. I envy the phenomenal sex life that we share. Our emotions and shitty attitudes can sometimes be a pain in the rear but all that shit aside when we get down together... I don't suppose I would ever cheat on him as long as he keeps me satisfied.

I think some people think that I go about being in a relationship the wrong way because I put so much emphasis on sex, but I swear to god if you aren't satisfied sexually then how can you be a happy person? If your desires and sexual needs aren't fulfilled you aren't going to be happy, it's that simple. And there is no use in thinking poorly of someone or anything like that. If this society put less shame into people expressing their sexuality then the world would be a much happier place. I know I have always been good about allowing my lover to feel like he can do anything with me and it's OK. I think that's what makes me a great lover because I give a man the freedom to express himself and I enjoy it and savor it.

So today's lesson is to get over your hang-ups. The more comfortable you are with yourself and the more accepting of yourself that you are will lead you into the path of happiness. That was something Zack and I talked about the other night... how most people are just as uncomfortable as you are in any situation. If you are totally comfortable with yourself and your surroundings then not only will people be more attracted to you, but that is a sure fire babe magnet attitude to have.

God it's nice to feel confident again.

Monday September 6, 1999

I don't believe it's ever going to rain again. It is so incredibly hot now.

My belly hurts. It taking more time then I care for my organs to get situated. It leaves me with sharp pains in my side every once in a while but I feel so much better then I used to. I think it's funny I was pretty sick and I didn't feel well for quite some time now.

Yesterday was such an awesome day especially to the bitter sweet inconvenience today has caused.

I woke Kevin up after that entry and we did not have wild monkey sex but just plain old fashioned sex. That's always a yummy way to start your day. Then we went upstairs and turned cut his hair off so now he is completely bald except for his goatee. I don't know why I resisted doing it sooner. I think I still have hang ups from seeing people bald or even cut their hair a considerable amount after watching Anne lose her hair and being bald as long as she was. She has the most beautiful head of anyone bald I have ever seen. I used to love to rub it because no hair would be growing but she did have some fuzz and it was soft as a baby's hair.

But when I was done getting rid of his hair I stood back and couldn't help be be oh so turned on. He looks so much better then having fuzz on the top of his head. I think it would be hard to lose your hair... but I think it's more admirable that he just wants to shave it off instead of trying to comb it over. I hate that.

Then we went to Danville and hung out with my grandparents. I hurt from being a stupid bitch and pushing myself so hard so I took some medication and Kevin drove. I think we need drive time together because it forces us to talk about some of events happening in our lives and the different perceptions we have about certain situations.

When I was freaking out the other night and I talked to Zack for so long it was nice to tell him how I felt about a certain situation and then he had the same reaction as Kevin did when it happened. It made me think that maybe I was being way too sensitive.

So we spent some time with Granny and Pop and Kevin later told me he was glad to see us interact.

We drove back to Louisville and stopped off at his friend Joe's house who was having a party. God... it was the best party I have been to in a while. I saw Stacy Keith and we talked forever. I used to envy her so much in high school because she appeared to be so perfect and everyone liked her and she was pretty. My perceptions of her have changed drastically after talking with her in one night. I used to think she was snobby and we talked about that a little and it just turned out that she was shy. We talked forever about how our lives have gone and it was nice to see someone from high school because even though we weren't great friend in high school there are things we can appreciate about one another and about the culture we shared as we grew up.

I also saw Eledge. She is so beautiful. That was awesome seeing her.

Then I was a little tipsy and couldn't help but jump into the hacuzzi. I was being disgusting and coming out and rubbing my chest all over Kevin. He was strangely attracted while also being embarrassed as well. "Baby... stop that!" It was fun and it's something several people will remember and I am all about making memories.

So we were tired and didn't bring our purchases in last night since it was 3 and we wanted to go have wild monkey sex. God it has been such a wonderful couple of days... and this morning some FUCKER broke into my god damn car and stole our shit from Wal Mart. I just don't know what to think. I feel so violated. They stole Kevin's sunglasses... and they were his father's glasses he had made into sunglasses after he died. So... I feel kind of like I did that day I found out my loving brother threw most of my childhood memories away.

I sit her and console myself that the other stuff can be re bought... but that doesn't change the fact that I feel so violated.

Tuesday September 7, 1999

"I can't figure out what a woman like you is doing living here."

I looked at my neighbor, his eye dead in it's socket for taking up for a woman in a bar fight. He preferred to get his ass kicked instead of watching a man beat a woman in a bar. I looked every time he opened his mouth at his crooked, tar stained teeth and wondered if he brushed. I asked him for a cigarette and sat down and had a little chat with him to prove I wasn't a snobby bitch.

I almost have my apartment together. I am getting very excited about this.

It has been a very emotional day. I watched Colin today and Melissa has been snippy lately. Most of the time I can ignore her when she gets like this but lately I have become more sensitive to everything lately. I think it will pass when I get a job and have my apartment together. I can't believe how different it looks already.

I am starving right now. I wish Kevvy Joe would come home so we could eat.

Wednesday September 8, 1999

"...girl, I would love to be psychic."

"Um... no you wouldn't." I looked at her earnestly.

"Yes I would... telling people's futures and all that."

"No really, you would hate it. It sucks." She took the torurniquet and wrapped it around my arm tighter. "You feel other people's feelings that you know are not your own. I had brain surgery and when they fuck with people's brains it does something to them."

She looked at me half in disbelief and half in awe. I looked up at her as the needle was going into my vein and calmly said "you have been waiting on him too long... you can find someone who can treat you better that has a bigger dick."

I think she would have cried if she could. She looked at me, a perfect stranger and could not believe it. The story of how she had been with the same man for 20 years and was now being courted by a man that was very good to her but did not has a big dick.

Well, you can't always be right when you are doing these things.

The other phlobotomist looked at me and exclaimed "DO ME DO ME DO ME!!!" Of coarse it doesn't work that way... and I figured out why I couldn't read her as well as I could the one who drew my blood and that was because she was not touching me.

This is why I won't work in the public arena again. The contact I have via e-mail is enough for me.

I can feel it in other people. Everybody has it, just to varying degrees.

I am also a firm believer that you choose the life you are going to live before you are born... that's why on occasion your dreams come true. I don't think my ability would be as powerful as it is if I hadn't had so many traumatic things happen in my life. I have come to relish them. I also believe now that my mother protected me way too much... because when she died there was no buffer between myself and society. That's what I have been working on for the past couple of months, plus I know it's not very comforting to have a stranger come into your life and tell you things about your life that only you have been thinking about.

Sometimes I think I am mad and lately I have come to learn how to filter not only people but events. I can protect myself better these days.

I don't expect everyone to believe it... sometimes it's hard for me to know it's true but when I go through an event and I get a little intimidated I can look at who ever I am going through it with and their calmness helps me realize that I am not a stark raving lunatic... and they have been privy to such an odd thing of life.

I hate trying to channel the energy... it scares me sometimes but I am overcoming this fear I know is false due to all the shit that people have perceived this "gift" to be. The worst time it has happened to me was when a girl a little younger then me was picked up at a gas station in La Grange and was reported missing. The last time anyone saw her she was with this trucker. I knew he killed her. I could feel the fear and anxiety still present in her dead body. I told Andy after 2 days of her missing that I could feel where she was and I told him where she was and I told him "let's go look for the body" but I chickened out because I was scared... I went to my mommy and told her what I knew and she administered the proper solace. She knew I had it and she would play games with me to try and strengthen it. One day we were sitting around talking about it and so she said "Ok... I am going to concentrate on something really hard and you try and pick it from my mind." Sometimes, when I do this I can't believe it's possible because in that instance she made it so simple for me. I took Joe's hand in mine like I did my mother's so long ago that day when I was out at his house and told him to concentrate on something. As I started to see what he was seeing and feel what he was feeling and telling him what I saw he broke contact with me and said very bitchily "I WASN'T THINKING OF THAT PARK... I WAS THINKING OF THIS OTHER ONE." It's not what one would call an exact science.

Two days later the police found her body where I thought he dumped it. I don't think I was ready to be recognized as some psychic freak quite yet back then because my own ability scares the hell out of me. How would you feel if you passed people you casually knew and could feel their apprehension?

It took me until after my mother died to realize the difference between how I felt as a person and what other people feel and what I have been told to feel through this culture, this society. I am not so uncomfortable with myself or my ability any longer... I just wish I could use it to GET A FUCKING JOB!

Thursday September 9, 1999

I have been struggling through so many emotions lately. I wish I could not be so sad. I feel like I am going crazy bit by bit but then I remember there is always a bigger fucking loser then me.

I am just glad I have really good friends that can help me out here and there for whatever reason. Andy is an over all support to this day. We still have a great relationship even though sometimes I say things in my diary he doesn't like to hear. I think the world of him these days... and I wonder if I just have no respect for any man I am fucking while we are together.

I am trying to understand more and more just how fucked up my dad and mom treated us. I know that I have problems with intimacy. I know that within myself I find it hard to share any part of my wonderful personality with anyone that is close to me because I have been taken advantage of so many times... but those times I am not I relish those days.

So I have broken down and started to read other people's more intimate thoughts. I now know what it feels like to be a newly divorced with with a baby daughter and a newly divorced man.

I also checked out this site of a a very beautiful woman with not much more then photos of her. It left me wanting to know her on a deeper level to see what her day to day routines were like and what she likes the most about life.

So I have been reading a bunch of different things. I think it's funny how small the net community used to be and how it has turned into the thing it has become today. It makes me want to write a book on how my skills as a designer/developer developed. This is such a weird field.

Anyways... things with Kevin and I are leveling out to be more stable. I think I have been fighting that to a certain degree. Tonight he is sleeping in his apartment alone and I am kind of glad. I wonder if I am just better at having a long distance relationship. I don't have to put an everyday effort into it.

It's been a real struggle to remember to call my family on a consistent basis. I used to call my mom everyday. So... Damn.. tonight was Granville Night. Oh well. I missed it. I did see Marie and Fernando tonight at the grocery store. She teaches Spanish at U of L now. It's weird to think that one of my friends is teaching at the college level now. It's weird to think Grisha is here working on his PhD.

So I went to a union meeting last night. Kevin has some interesting things going on at work. It really amazes me how much petty bullshit the people he works for is putting the other public defenders through so they will all resign.

Chris Lash graduate from Yale Law School and was trying murder trials. His boss couldn't take the shit after so many years anymore and resigned like 3 weeks ago. They have lost a lot of attorneys in the past couple of years because of high case load. Now they are giving Chris a bunch of shitty cases so he will have to work more then 70 hours a week.

They move Jeff and Catherine by transferring them respectively to Juvenile and Adult. Juvvy is the lightest case load. Catherine has a new baby so putting her where she is going to have to devote more time has just made her want to resign her position and by moving Jeff they can break up some of the moral.

I think office politics sucks. That's one of the main issues I had up in Chicago. At least these days I now know who he is talking about and understand some of his frustrations. I am glad I am not under that kind of pressure.

God I am so dammed. I can't enjoy my free time right now because I need a job so bad and I can't find a job here very easily because the market for what I can do is so small. I can't deal with this when I know I could pick and choose in a bigger city.

This woman Cindi I met through Mike wrote to me and told me I should be in New York. Nobody likes the fact that I am here in Kentucky because I guess they don't see there being much opportunity for what I do here.

So... I am beginning to wonder if I should consider leaving more seriously. I don't know... I am confused.

I wonder if Jerry Springer likes it when the chicks don't wear panties.

Friday September 10, 1999

I am mad at Kevin for not looking at me. I think we have a lot of things to work through.

I have changed my pages again... it's that time of year again. I even re-did the index to Miss Clay, although I am finding it difficult to define myself these days.

Yes... I am in a relationship that works for the most part with an attorney. I vowed to never be with one after being raised by one (but dad was also in the Army, so that DOES make a difference). My mom is dead and my family is disjointed. I do not have a job but I did graduate from college. I am an airhead with no gall since I just had my gall bladder removed and they aspirated a cyst in my brain 9 years ago Sept. 26. Oh yeah... I have traveled a lot so far. I have white trash neighbors that hate me and a 14 year old cat. My summer sucked because I was stuck in Kentucky and I didn't realize I was sick.

The highlight of my day was when the fuckers at Blue Cross and Blue Shield sent me a refund check because I paid too much. This has eased my mind in more ways then you can imagine.

I am going to meet Michael in Chicago next week and I am so excited about that and going to Jenn's wedding. I have been depressed lately.

I saw Matt Golden at the bar underneath Kevin's work today when I went to pick Kevin up. He bought me a drink. We chit chatted and he told me about how he talked with my dad last year when they were working on a case. It bothers him that we don't talk for some reason. I have known him since middle school. Anyways... Matt talked with him about me and he said Dad talks about me with fondness and I find that hard to believe. He even tells people that I go to Russia.

I think I got many of my intimacy issues from my father, although mine are not as severe as his. So that has me a little sad right now. It bothers me a lot that I can't get along with my dad.

Anyways... I am feeling a little weird now. I am more financially secure then when I woke up this morning and I get to go on a trip next week to hang out in Chicago and see my best friend and my ex. Michael's a great guy and an awesome web designer. I am excited...

I think I need the time away from here.

Saturday September 11, 1999

I have my apartment almost perfectly in order. I am about to die. I am so happy. I feel my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is coming out in full force. I am afraid I am not going to stop. I was up most of the day putting the finishing touches on my apartment. I even have four of the 16X20's of my Russian Gay boys.

I am kind of feeling like a kept woman. Last night after an uneventful night of us doing nothing and me laying around naked all night we decided to bathe. Melissa came in the other day and told me I could put something that attaches to the tub to make it into a shower and I looked at her and scoffed "I like taking bathes." I love the sensuousness of sitting in hot hot water and just feel it enveloping my body. Kevin wanted a bubble bath so I added some of the bath stuff I got from Jan the first time I was supposed to graduate. This bath tub does not fit two people very well and all I can dream about these days is having a bath tub that can fit two people. So... I laid in Kevin's lap for a while and looked up at the slanted ceiling that is painted baby blue with The Garden of Earthly Delights there for me to stare at. I get bored and start hitting his face with my tits as I look for the razor to shave his head. He gets his head wet and I get it lathered up and shave it all off with the New Mach 3. I don't know why... maybe it's because he trusts me enough with a razor to his head I get so turned on. I am very careful not to nick his head this time like I did the last time. I think he likes to tell his friends that I shave him with a razor too. He did tell me, however, that he doesn't talk about how after the third time we saw each other that he let me shave his balls. One of the sad state of affairs for a female ejaculator is that if you aren't careful his pubic hair will rub you like a Brillo pad (which is steel wool), and that can be painful. But I shaved his head and his face last night and when I got back in the water he kept talking about how he wanted to make slow love to me. I giggled like a school girl because he was being so silly and there is a woman in the next apartment that cackles like the Blair Witch when she laughs. Between her and Kevin saying how he was going to lick every inch of my body I just about died. I got out of the bath tub and got situated here, lighting the pillar candles he bought when I had surgery and watched over me that first night with them blazing through my bursts of consciousness. I lit a Sandlewood incense as well, laid out the towels so my bed wouldn't get drenched and he severed his death penalty with pride. It was such a wonderful thing to feel him in between my legs just going to town. I came and then he got on top of me and moved his hips up in that little hook he does but really slow and meticulous... I kept my eyes open and let him see me cum as he was filling me up. We moved into many different positions... missionary, me on top (which I am beginning to enjoy a lot more), us standing up. Sometimes he's not the greatest boyfriend and he is such a guy... but when he is inside of me he can be so tender, so sweet, so caring ensuring that my body remains responsive with murmurs and screams and grunts and groans in all the different positions. He hits my G-spot with his perfectly sized cock and it makes me push down so I can squirt. I can gush a little or sometimes I can gush a lot it just depends on how aroused I am. He went on forever last night and didn't cum so this morning we picked right up again only this time I was did not cum and it has put a damper on my day. I cleaned a lot and decided to myself that the next time I have cum I am going to tell him I am done and he can finish himself.

I wonder what life would be like for men if women came like oh so many men I have been with and were left with all the pent up sexual frustration like that. Coming so close...

I had a funky dream that has stayed with me all day. I was in California and I was not going to leave but it ended up being Jenn and I was in Richmond, California and I couldn't get a plane home so I decided to stay. Very odd.

So... I am getting to the point where my underware is folded and my socks are all neat in that thingie Tanya gave me almost a year ago. I even have put my food in order and my table up. I have not spent most of the night naked but at least I can watch Howard Stern now.

Monday September 13, 1999

I don't think my grandfather is going to live much longer. I went to see him in the nursing home today and he was already in bed and he had a rattle in his lungs like mom did when she started to die. Granny thinks that maybe he is just having berating problems and if he were really that close to death that he would be in the hospital.

"My mother was Eves from Henderson." Note to self: see how I might be related to Zack through the Eves.

"I think Tee did the same thing I did with my family..." You are fucking Eddie right about that old man. No one has the time to run up and see him and he was resentful to be stuck there so he pushed his daughter away. It makes me sad.

But... I did go out and see Bea today with Granny and I talked about things I have never talked about with anyone. Not even Granny. I don't know why I was so afraid that someone would think I was such a bad person... I suppose it's because... I was raised by a sexist mysogynistic fuck and my mother was sexist as well. Do you know how fucking sick I am when I listen to stupid cocks like Adam Corolla? "The Man Show" SUCK MY DICK... yeah yeah... I may not have one myself but there is one on lease with the option to buy. If it weren't for women then civilization wouldn't move forward. I don't know why more women don't put men in their fucking places. Or why we have even let them live their deluded little fantasies that they have control over our lives. A man raised me and he made me think that I was not good enough since I have a cunt and I looked like my mom. I think I have proven that I am far better then my felonious brother.

I don't know why I am so angry tonight... many emotions brewing below the surface. I am sad about my grandfather, a man I never got to know. I could care less about his ex-wife, my grandmother... she is the kind of woman I detest. I can't stand fake people...

I slept most of the day... drove here yesterday when it was so hot... I was so thirsty but too lazy to stop or just too depressed. Watching the arid landscape pass me by in the car made me think of how it all looks like a desert. BUT IT RAINED TODAY!!!!!!!!

Maybe I am angry for revealing things to my grandmother... giving her my perspective of what I was like as a teenager instead of her just hearing it from mom. Thomas never really fucked with me because I was the most unbalanced... more psycho then he could ever hope to be. I got sick of people rummaging through my room at their will so I put a dead bolt on my door just as my father did when I was 15 so we could not steal his clothes. I told Kevin the other day I knew how to install one because I had one on my bedroom door. Thomas stole the key one day when I was trusting and left the door open only to have him go through my room and find shit he didn't wear anymore at the very bottom of my laundry basket. The same laundry basket that looked like an old Ice chest that mom got for me at an auction. The same basket that in a fit of immaturity he threw off the porch when I was moving out. Mom only punished him once that I remember... spanked him with a shiny brass dust pan for hitting me. I stood at the same stairs looking down in horror at my things strewn across the driveway like I did that day I was laughing as mom whooped his ass.

I, be 16 and very hormonal, became so angry that I ran downstairs and jumped in his car... his Volkswagen GTI. He left the key in the ignition as I had hoped and I popped the clutch and the car took off. The stupid cock jumped in front of the car thinking I would stop but I ran over his foot. I guess it was a good thing that the driveway was still gravel because nothing came of it. Or he was probably just lying, as he usually does.

I couldn't think of what to do... where to go. I wanted so desperately to run away...

I hadn't started my period yet but these tumors were growing on my chest. Little suns bursting out from skin that didn't exist. I wanted to be with my mommy. My dad never went through puberty as a girl and he did not understand the depth and range of emotions I was going through and couldn't deal with it. I did not want to go home that Sunday. I ran away to Jennifer's house. She hid me in the basement and kept telling me that she was going to have to tell her mom (the same cunt that did not tell her she had 4 half brothers and sisters from when her father was married before she was born. She did not find out about these people until after her father died 2 or 3 years ago).

Her mom called my dad and my dad said to me "you can either have me or the police come get you." I am sure you can guess who took me home. When I got home, he didn't even look at me.

I had never made a real attempt to run away but the entire time I drove his car to Mitchell and Matthew Bradley's I wanted to die.

These days I realize that when I begin obsessing about death and wanting to die I am stuck in a situation that I am not comfortable in.

I called mom from the twin's place and she soothed me and told me everything would be ok. I told her I wanted to die. She talked me into coming home and nothing was ever mentioned about my behavior that night nor was Thomas reprimanded for invading my privacy.

I am sure it's hard to believe, as you sit there in your home, your work, where ever you are and read these things that I am an extremely private person.

I think I have been staving off a full blown obsessive compulsive disorder. By going to Russia, I was forced to deal with my issue with germs. I think this is also another reason I waited so long to have sex. I did not want to smell gross. I remember taking a bath one day and my best friend at the time coming in from fucking someone and she spread her legs and I gagged. That's when I thought of the most offensive term you could ever call a woman, greasy cunt.

So... the more I hear about how people do really fucked up things, the more I realize I am pretty vanilla. I told Kevin I was vanilla when it comes to sex. He believed me until we started fucking I think.

And I had the most amazing dream today. I was in London with Kevin and my older sister and we had just come off the plane and were at someone's house and they were all going into this mini van and this dark, short man started to kiss me with so much passion. I had some other crazy, fucked up dreams last night but now they are gone.

I hope I am wrong about my grandfather, but I personally will be surprised if he lives another week.

Tuesday September 14, 1999

I went and picked grapes with Pop today. It's funny to think that grapes can grow in Kentucky... good ones that is and in Danville no less!

But it was a good visit event thought they are a little miffed about me going to Chicago. I was planning on Michael coming back in June but time did not allow for that.

They were miffed but I think they can get over it.

I am not happy with my relationship right now. I told Kevin last night that I would be leaving on Wednesday and that today was the only day he would see me for a while. I told him I was also having my family over for dinner and I am finding it rather convenient that he doesn't make time for my family or friends but drags me out with his and then bitches about paying for me.

I think I am over it. I don't want this anymore and it makes me sad. I can't feel like I am putting most of myself into this relationship and then have him do whatever he pleases and blow me off. Fuck that. I deserve to be treated better.

Maybe I am just too fucking picky but I don't think so. I don't think it's too much to ask for him to be social with my friends. Maybe I am just ready to throw in the towel because Michael is coming. Maybe I should quit making excuses for him and move on with my life.

Friday September 17, 1999

The drive up to Chicago wasn't as bad as I had envisioned. Neither is driving in Chicago. Horrible images of Vacation ran through my mind... Chevy Chase stuck in the projects always filtered through my better sense, that "I'm Catherine Clay and I can do whatever the fuck I want" attitude.

Indiana, which from here on out, will be referred to as Hooterville. Hooterville is flat as a pancake, and maybe that's good when you are a pancake but being from a geographically challenged place such as Hooterville, it leads me to be suspect as to where Hoosiers get their personalities.

And they make fun of us for being Hicks.

There was lots of dead earth, some trying to be revived to life from the ceaseless drought and there was a valley of dead trees in the middle of the interstate at one time that reminded me of some old Science Fiction movie where everything is scary and still.

I thought about Kevin and me a lot. I don't know what to think to this day. I told him I was unhappy with the way our relationship is going. I don't think it should be this hard. It seemed so easy in the beginning but I think thoughts of giving up a life I have so desperately fought to make are more overpowering then some of the strongest feelings I have for him.

So... I am looking for a job up here once again. Besides, I am beginning to believe the only place I feel like home anymore is a place where I can be close to Zack. I came in here and I wanted to cry because I feel so much when I am here. I feel very loved here and to find any place like that on earth is amazing.

Plus I hate being in Louisville waiting and waiting to get a job when there are a ton up here and I know I can go anywhere and get a kick ass job. There is no market in Louisville and all the bigger companies are outsourcing to companies in the big cities.

Michael was telling me in Germany that people will work for big companies and then steal the clients because the artists doing web work are getting paid shit and the companies are being gouged.

I talked with Samantha yesterday and it looks like I am going to be going to Hackensack next weekend. I am going to be doing the Brain Trust's web site which totally makes me so happy. I can get paid what I need to live on in October and feel like I am also helping a cause I believe in.

So maybe with some distance between us... who am I kidding? If I can't accept Kevin for the way he is then there's not much point in fighting him to accept me the way I need to feel accepted into his life. I don't know...

I was late picking Michael up yesterday and then we got lost, but not for long. It's so weird to hear him talk about what he goes through as a designer over in Germany... plus I want him to take photos of me while he is here. I like the way he sees me through his camera lens.

I don't know how to feel about much of anything these days. I do know that I have to move even though I have busted my ass to get my place together.

Ok... we are off for a day of fun in Chicago. It's my first time sightseeing!

Saturday September 18, 1999

"Ne kogda ne odhalee?" I look at the man that had been working on this place for the past couple of weeks.

"Nyet. Konyetz"

The best thing about learning a foreign language is that your professor never tells you the thousands of ways a person can respond to your inquiries. It's always more personal and rarely grammatically correct. This is one of the reasons I am surprised anyone can understand what I am saying but everyone always seems to.

I think he was surprised anyone in this building understood Russian. I am sure he was a bit embarrassed after some of the things they were shouting at one another this week.

Oh... I am such a hedonist.

We went and saw Run Lola Run today. Me, Michael and Zack. I think Michael and I are getting along a lot better then the last time we were together. It's nice.

But then I am finding I can't stand to be in situations where I am no longer happy.

I am also beginning to believe that maybe I am not so ready to settle down with just one man quite yet. I like getting attention from other men. Especially guys that are special to me.

I think I am beginning to understand why people go back to one another. I feel to this day that most of the men that have meant more to me then a one night stand... I can go on with my life but the impression of their caresses and the feelings their bodies create with mine are memories I can never let go. They were unique in all their individual ways and some things I liked and some things I didn't but the sex for the most part has not been unsatisfactory.

I mean... are you supposed to tell me that once you meet that one person that light your heart on fire... that one person that holds you like there is no tomorrow... that one person that makes you feel like you are a part of their soul and you will forever there remain... that you somehow forget how these other people have touched you?

That's a crock of shit.

I am rather impressed with my ability to remain faithful. I don't know why I am. Maybe I am just trying to prove to myself that I can show some self control and not be completely hedonistic at the cost of hurting anyone's feelings.

Aside from that... I can't recommend Run Lola Run enough. I think it's my favorite movie this year. Although Arlington Road is a close second.

I have been studying Zack's expressions a lot this time. His moods sometimes change too subtly for even me to notice. But I am convinced he has the kindest eyes.

You know... when I was younger, as in 5 years ago, I used to think I was one of the most hideous people on the planet. Then I went to Russia and that all changed. I saw how hard people have it there and how no matter how little or how much money I have, I am very wealthy in knowing that I can pretty much have the promise of owning property some day and making obscene amounts of money and having whatever kind of life I decided on. I live in the land of the free and the home of the brave where we make money the old fashioned way, we steal it and then invest in our own imperialism. Anyways it was then I finally started to understand there is not a fucking thing in the world wrong with me where before I was still living under the fear and oppression my militaristic father cast me under. And then when I went to Russia, I realized some of the ideals that my mom believed in were shit. She wasn't always right either. I think I started to follow my heart more then. I found that all people have their own distinct impression of life and it rarely matched my own. So I started to understand that by listening to people from all over the planet and all over the world that my ideals and beliefs expand and contract, but the person I am remains the same. I am a good person. I believe in helping other people out the best way I can. I have been influenced by some things that are not so healthy, but I think these days I am taking better care of myself.

Better care also means better mental care as well.

So today has been a pretty rocking day, and it is just going to get better since Michael has left on his date and Zack and I are here alone and enjoying each other's company. I love to see him when we are alone. I wish I could show him how beautiful he is to me... the beautiful things that make me love him so much. From the way he will look up at me when his head is cast low to the way he will bite down on his ring when he is thinking. I tell him over and over again that when I am sad if things between me and a lover are not working out that I am not so sad because I get to age with him and Melissa, and that serves as a great solace to me because I do love him so much. And I appreciate the man he is today. I remember when we had Russian together when we were both freshman and he was so tiny! I would watch him from across the room and try to figure out how to befriend him but it took much longer then that before that happened. I remember when he interned at Neoglyphics and we were both learning about the web. I remember how he stood up for me when they took my photos down and I just have such a deep place in my heart for him and always will. So... if there were one thing in the world I could do to change anything I would let more people know how important they are to me. I think most of them do.

I hope Zack does too.

Sunday September 19, 1999

Today is my sister's birthday and I would like to wish her a very happy thirty-something birthday... God I am getting so old. I don't think I gauge my age by myself but by the people around me.

Anyways... I woke up without my shirt on this morning, which could have been totally scandalous if I had been sleeping anywhere else but Zack's bed. I was holding my breath from embarrassment and once that subsided I brought it up in front of Colleen and Syndy.

"Zack... did you notice I didn't have my shirt on this morning?"

"Yeah..."

"Well... I got hot in the middle of the night and took it off... (I'm sorry)." I mean you have to understand that a half naked woman in your bed is not what every man dreams of, even if I am Cathy Clay and I have big tits. I do not take this as insulting but find it to be rather flattering in the way like going to Big Chicks and having all the gay boys check me out just because I was invading their territory.

I think I have this Michael thing licked. I am rather amazed at how my resolve is hanging on instead of my freakish slutty nature. Hmmm... maybe I can control my deepest animal instincts after all.

And I got this ICQ this morning:

hey baby.
i think this time apart is good.
it makes me miss you. and think nice things about you which i don't think as often when we are around each other. dunno why. now maybe you understand my reluctance to live together.
i would like to take you out whenever you get back. and do sensual things to you, like make out, give slow wet kisses, ...
instead of just bending you over [although that has a time and place]
until then...

So that made me smile a little. Being up here has made me think of a whole different set of problems though... Do I need someone that is as dynamic as I am or can some decent, motivated, "normal" guy win my heart forever?

I don't want to jeopardize the relationship I have with Kevin even though some days I just don't think it's worth it but I find that I still desire Michael now more then before even. But... there is always that butt sticking it's t in there. What do you think?

Sigh... I have to go... Zack is bugging.

Monday September 20, 1999

I think I made a decision about living in Louisville. It's one I should have made before I signed a lease. I don't belong there. I feel much more comfortable up here.

I had a blast last night. We went and saw a lesbian comedian named Suzanne Westonhoffer and she had to be the funniest woman I have ever seen.

I have a lot of thoughts now... but I am sleepy.

I think that when one starts to consider if one should break it off with someone that one needs to really concentrate on what bothers them the most and I think that I am to the point where I will never be second to someone else's career. Naturally we all have to work but I think a man that puts too much energy into what he does for a living and just enough to get by so his relationship doesn't fall apart is not a man I can be with. That means that my needs will not be met if he has to compromise himself just in order to be with me. Fuck that. If it's an uphill battle everyday then I just am more content being alone... or at least fucking whom I please and at my own discretion.

I keep going over the Kevin thing and although he is the best man I have dated in a while... I don't think he has what it takes to keep me interested in him as a person for longer then a few more months. Maybe I am totally wrong. Maybe he can be who I need him to be but there is no point in me trying to fight him every step of the way. Relationships can work so much smoother. Maybe I am just chicken shit and am looking for an excuse to be rid of it, or maybe I am telling myself the truth for a change. I can't tell. All I can tell is that there is a bed calling my name in the other room.

Tuesday September 21, 1999

Wow my computer is being so quiet right now...

I think I have had enough of men. I am full up. After spending most of the day with Michael, who was suffering with some kind of sinus crap, and wearing me out trying to convince me that sex was not important in a relationship I just wanted to scream at him after a while.

You know, I am sure everyone would like to think that they are so good but the reality is much different. Why can't people just come out and admit their faults when a relationship begins instead of waiting for time to pass before you are sucker punched with the truth?

Actions always speak louder then words and usually, that's how I judge people... not on much of what they say but the manner in which they live their lives.

I have decided that I am just not going to look for anyone to date for a while. I am going to lock myself up and become a cloistered reader and worker.

After dealing with Michael saying that shit and arguing with me he finally admitted that there was more to a relationship then just intimacy. Just quit confusing me with your reality because it's not the reality that I have come to love and enjoy.

So I was talking with Anne last night... she asked me how I felt when I was laying on that bed before they operated on me.

"I was relieved that there was really something wrong with me and that I wasn't faking it."

"Yeah... tell ME about being a hypochrondiac (Mom thought Anne was faking being sick for 4 months until they finally diagnosed her with leukemia). After that... how did you feel?"

Um... DUH "scared"

"You feel that feeling, in the pit of your stomach right now?" Um, well tears were streaming down my face. "That is the worst feeling in the world. Just think, you know what it feels like... sometimes it's fear, sometimes is passion or love but other times it's undefinable. Some people live half of their lives just kind of lost not knowing how to feel. And just think... you already know."

Of coarse, this is my interpretation.

So... you know the one gift that you can give to anyone else is your time and you ear and that is so important.

I have tried not to miss my mommy today, but when Michael was talking about his mom... it hurt a lot. And when I see Kevin and how he treated his mom, I was a little sad. I would hate for anyone to treat me in the ways that I see a lot of men treat their mothers. They aren't here forever and once they are gone you can never tell them you are sorry for fucking up. Then you live your whole life trying to fill that void by over compensating for something you never had.

I think I know what I want out of life and this is not the kind of life I need.

I want someone who can listen to me and I can be close to him and we can have awesome sex too. I don't think that is so much to ask for. I don't care if I have a checklist in my head, either.

If I have overcome so many of the obstacles that have been put before me then I at least want someone else that is...

Wednesday September 22, 1999

So... I have learned a lot from the past couple of days from myself. I don't think that when you have nice feelings for any of your past lovers that those feelings don't ever really go away. And not only that... but good feelings can foster even stronger ones.

I was sad to see Michael go.

And maybe he's not so wrong about how much more important intimacy is over sex when you are together.

Maybe I am just being stupid, I don't know. And maybe he doesn't return the feelings I have for him or even feels what I feel at all but he did remember my birth date when I had forgotten his (sometime in November was all I could remember).

And we didn't fool around at all. I didn't even try and maybe it was more that he didn't really desire me. We talked about a lot of situations we have been in with other people but we skirted the issues that came to us. He's the reason I never wanted to go out with a guy that wasn't over some other woman.

Zack also called me out on my "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" attitudes. He thinks that people are just people and that's all there is to it but I don't see it that way. I think that women are women no matter where you go but men you have adjust yourself for. I know when I talk to a woman, we can relate so much easier then when I talk to men.

I think that we are raised in a society where we all distrust one another and that one of thought that continues to persist in our society is that women are such bitches. Sure, there are days that I can be a supreme cunt and there are days where I just want to be loved by everyone so I am extremely sweet.

I don't know... I liked that I could talk with Michael about other guys I have been with and it honestly seemed like he was not judgmental. But I am the same way with him. It's nice to have an ex-lover that you can still feel close to. There is still some kind of freaky attraction while you are trying to figure yourself out with one another.

I've been really bummed about Kevin. Anne thinks should I desire a life where I am second to my lover's career that I should continue this but... we have already lived our lives to a man that put his career before his children and we all have suffered a great deal for that.

And I have been thinking more and more about the manner in which my dad raised us. HE wanted to instill firm values in us, and to be proud of who we were but he was too militant, a practice he carries into his profession.

I don't ever want to feel like my needs are second to anything. I don't think I am being too demanding I am just being honest about what I want out of life and what I want from a man.

Zack and I had the best night last night. We made soup from scratch and my God I love him so much. It was one of those times that makes my heart swell with love. That's the point to living, I think. To love everything you can and nurture it so you have it when life isn't always so rosy.

We were watching Will and Grace last night and I found myself identifying with both of them very much, maybe a little too much at times. It's like a traditional fifties wedding where the couple really isn't fucking. Everything is great, every once in a while we hurt each other's feelings but we always really love one another. At least that's my take.

So... Saturday I go to New Jersey. I am excited about that. My life is starting to take off a little more already and that is encouraging as well.

And I am really glad I got to talk with Anne the other night.

Thursday September 23, 1999

SCORE! My first job interview is tomorrow. KENTUCKY KANFUCKME. I'm living my life for myself for a change. Kind of how I lived it last summer.

I think I figured out why I love Russian pop music so much. Not only is it easy to understand, but it's spastic and upbeat, like they are trying to catch up and run away all at the same time. I used to make fun of it and now I love it.

If you don't know what IKEA is I suggest you check out their site and start affording ultra cool furniture and accessories at EXTREMELY affordable prices. I guess those Swedes got really bored one day during a below zero winter and decided that even morons like you and me can put our own furniture together... it gives you a sense of satisfaction knowing you can follow instructions. You can order the catalog too.

Can I tell you how glad I am not a boy? I went with Colleen and Syndy to Colleen's house last night to do laundry and meet Colleen's kids and it was so funny to argue with her son, Conner. I am so glad I am not a boy.

He was being a butt but once his mom told him I did the WCW web site, whoa was he impressed (HA! I WISH!!!) Then he had me cornered and I had to start rattling off wrestlers names. This is when it gets embarrassing for me because I think I know way too much about pro-wrestling. I mean... it should have been a teenage fixation that was cured when I grew up, but I find myself watching two men plummet one another in itsy-bitsy panties (I call all underware panties). You can see every muscle, every nipple, every forceful push and shove. I mean... it's the ultimate for of homophobia in action. "I am strangely attracted to your body so much like mine so I must kick your ass for existing." Well, that's my interpretation of pro wrestling.

And you KNOW just how much I love to see 2 men together. I once asked Zack if there was something wrong with me for liking 2 men together and he told me that if I think they are beautiful then there is nothing wrong with it. I guess it's just like the typical straight man's fantasy of two women only my perversion hasn't made it to mainstream thought quite yet. He still hasn't let me see those German porn mags yet though.

God I feel so much better. I feel like I have taken my life back in control.

We watched the Country Music Awards last night. Colleen had a friend doing back up vocals for Joe Dee. Jewel and Merle Haggard were... strange. I was also taken aback by my country music knowledge. I guess even if I didn't listen to it or bought the CDs it still filtered through Kentucky.

I was glad to know Dolly was going back to Bluegrass (I am proud of being a Kanfuckian, but I think the job market sucks among other things) though.

I just got through chatting with one of the Ukrainians working on the building.

I think it's about time I flushed other people's perceptions about me and most of the bad shit that happened to me as a child down the commode. My mom is dead and I don't have her around to hound me to do what she wants me to. Some days I feel like her death was the greatest gift she could have ever given me. To watch her die in such a manner and hurt in prolonged agony... Maybe I am not patient enough with most people because of all the shit I have been through. But at least now I can spot when I am falling back into a pattern that is not healthy.

I wish things could have worked out with Kevin, and I know when I go back home we will have sex and he will think it's all ok, but sex should never be used as a way to gain intimacy. I fucked him just because I wanted to and it was my birthday. I did not anticipate on us working on a relationship that he wasn't ready to build on. Plus I realize now that maybe I still have some growing up to do as far as men go. Which is really the downside to being a late bloomer. Your friends are out fucking around when you are 14 or 15 and figuring out how people can be and I was stuck just watching what happened to them.

You know... there is no reason why I should ever question my sexuality any longer. I am pretty sure I am straight because when I was growing up my fucked up friend Tina would always ask me to make-out with her or sit on her electric razor and I never would. I would tell her to shut up and go to sleep so she would make-out with the pillow. And when she told me to sit on the razor I told her no because for one thing it was a razor and for another she had been rubbing her cootch all over it. I suppose if I ever had any inclinations I would have done something with her but I never did.

I may have been a Tom Boy but I wasn't into chicks. But I will say that as an adult, I feel more accepted by the lesbian community for just being a girl then I do any other societal structure. I like hanging out with lesbians and I love to hear their stories, because once you are comfortable with yourself their stories can enrich your life because it's something out of your mode of life.

Friday September 24, 1999

I think I figured out why I am so pissed at Kevin and that's because every time he sees my dad he tells me about it and that is just like turning the thumbnail screws as far as I am concerned.

I have a lot of feelings about that, unresolved issues that just seem to sit there and fester. Zack grilled me on a lot of things last night and he was right about a lot of things.

For one thing, one of the main reasons I write in this thing is to show that you can get over shit almost as quickly as it happens. Yet there is my childhood of agony that I tend to reflect upon when I am most unstable. I don't know why I can work through my mother dying and other things so easily... perhaps because these days I am a mature adult and I know the effects that certain events are going to have upon my life and what they mean in the long term and what shouldn't mean anything. But when I was a child I did not have the same capabilities to deal with shit like I do now.

Why can't I just write "I am not the child I was raised to be" 100 times like the time my dad made me write "I am a liar, I am a pig, and I will clean up after myself" enough to continue believing that shit even today?

Fuck those feelings.

I will continue later... I am in deep rant mode.

What in the hell are you doing with my money? That's what I am thinking.

I am so fucking clueless. I should be occupying my thoughts with wise investment moves or becoming a savvy investor but instead I just work over this shit in my mind.

I think the thing that pisses me off the most about Kevin these days is every time we talk he mentions my father.

"Well did you talk with him?"

"No... but he has a nice wardrobe."

"Yeah, I know about that wardrobe. Did I ever tell you..."

"Yes," He interrupts me immediately "I know about the camel hair coat."

When you are raised by a selfish, neglectful mother fucker that ends up being who he is... you get to be a little resentful of his behavior especially since he didn't even show up to the only woman who ever had his children's funeral.

I feel like I did when my mom would keep me updated with "Your father just won a 4 million dollar case" bullshit when she was alive. I have had a slight reprise from being reminded of who my father is. It was gracious and now I am just angry and bitter. Hurt as well.

I used to think about kidnaping him when I was a teenager and tying him to a chair and yelling at him like he used to at me. The last time we tried to work it out he came to a councling session and I did yell at him for reasons why I hated him which still hurt his feelings to this day.

Ok... if what I said to him when I was 19 hurt his feelings, then why shouldn't all the abusive shit he said to me effect me for a while longer? My mom told me that in order to get over someone you have to at least have lived away from them as equally as long. So when I am 32 I should basically be over this shit?

I am very accepting at times of what has happened but other times I feel so hurt. Why would my dad want to be around my felonious loser brother and not around me? Am I getting to the point where I think it's just too late?

I mean... he hasn't been involved in my life for approaching 10 years.

Oh... this is such bullshit.

I went to Zefer today to meet Zack and everyone was so happy to see me! I was so surprised! Debra even asked Anita, the president of the company, if I could go on the boat to this fancy schmancy dinner tonight so I have to go get ready for that.

Zack and I went down to the 14th District so he could file a report about his truck getting hit. We were slobbering over all kinds of men. This other guy sat down in a suit when I was on the train and I slobbered then too.

Saturday September 25, 1999

So... I saw the statue of Liberty from the plane. This is the second time I have seen her from Newark.

Let me just tell you it's very strange being around a number of people that have had brain surgery. I don't have to pretend to be normal and it's OK to forget people's names and we don't get mad at one another. None of us have great short term memory.

I will say this... when I listen to Sam talk about brain damage it makes me uncomfortable because she is talking about things I usually keep to myself. Sure, I can function as anyone that hasn't had it... but it's an everyday kind of struggle. And I think people don't realize that some of the reasons I am the way I am is because I have brain damage.

It's not like I have any control over myself either. I feel like I am keeping this horrible secret sometimes and every once in a while I am discovered. I wish I could make other people understand that even though I look normal and when I look into their eyes and listen to what they say I understand most everything, but there are a few things that I just don't get.

I also think I am no longer pissed at my mom for having the doctors ruin my sinuses. When we were at dinner tonight, Sam was talking about how other people that have the stereotatic procedure have scars and missing pieces from when they rip through the brain. I never understood until that moment just what my mother was trying to do and now I think I get it.

I am feeling sad about Kevin. I think some of my more emotional problems stem from being brain damaged. I am not looking for something to blame, I am just sick of not having a concrete reason for feeling certain ways.

I had the time of my life last night...

Sunday September 26, 1999

I had brain surgery 9 years ago today.

After thinking about it I realize that when I say I have brain damage it probably doesn't make much sense to you. It's like saying I am from Kentucky. You know that Kentucky is a state, but you don't have the soft bluegrass underneath your feet, you can't smell the sweet Kentucky air or hear a friendly hello on any corner.

Samantha told me today that sometimes how old you are when you have brain injury determines how arrested your development is... in other words you are stuck emotionally where you were when the injury happened. That means I will perpetually be a teenager I suppose.

I thought I was the youngest person today until I met a chick that had GBM that was 2 years younger then me. I also learned the difference between benign and malignant. Malignant grows like mad while benign can grow... just not at the rate a malignancy can.

I got a few "All you have is a cyst" and that pissed me off because when you are sick with these things, it doesn't make it hurt any less and when I first went through my ordeal, the doctors would not say if mine was malignant or not because they didn't know until they operated. Plus with my mom, my sister and grandfather all having cancer... I think I have had a healthy idea of what cancer can do.

I met another chick who had a pituitary tumor and she didn't have it operated on. I can say that I am glad I was because I would be afraid to get in to an automobile for fear of being in a car wreck and having my stuff leak all over the place.

So brain damage, the kind I have, it does different things to your body. You are tired and you wear out easily. It's very easy to get over stimulated and over whelmed. Sensitivity to light and noise, problems with concentrating, quickness to anger, frustration, irritability, poor motivation, forgetfulness, impulsivity are also some great traits left from brain damage.

"They may not even recognize the adverse effect of their behavior on society or the need to modify their response to be 'socially approbate'"--written by Sucheta Kamath, MA CCC-SLP speech-language pathologist.

So... the cognitive changes are things that you might not notice. It's very hard for me to stay focused and stay on task. Things some people take for granted. I have to fake it when I am in the real world. Here it hasn't been insulting to forget someone's name you just met because it's hard for all of us with short term memory problems to remember much of anything.

I now understand why every once in a while I feel so fucking stupid and it's so stupid for me to every feel this way. Just because I can't process something or I ask people to say something 100 times doesn't mean I am stupid.

I think I am doing better then I ever have. I always feel better every day. I know some day I may not be so healthy, but today I met some of the most wonderful people. Today I am in New Jersey. Today I am with Sam and it's so nice to be with her.

It's been a very intense day. I am very grateful to have everything I do but it's nice to understand more and more what it is like to live with brain damage. I am not the only one with OCD.

Some of the things I don't like about my personality can be attributed to the fact that I am brain damaged, and that there are some social conventions that I just don't comprehend, but I that's what makes me me, and I think I am pretty fucking cool for 9 years old.

Tuesday September 28, 1999

I think yesterday was the best day I have had this year.

I love Sam so much, and I got to meet one of the most beautiful people on the planet, Tomas Rodriguez. He is one of the few people that has looked at me and said "I can tell you anything." He won my heart at that moment because I realized he was one of us.

Being one of us mean someone that is spiritual and philosophical and good and earthy and GETS IT. I think the hardest thing for people to do is to get it.

OK... so let me outline the day. Sam and I worked on all kinds of stuff and then around noon we took off for NY. I don't think I could have asked for a better introduction to NY. We went to the Guggenheim in SOHO to see the Andy Warhol exhibit... as Sam said "That space is a day care." I think I agree with her, but then I was able to explain to her that what makes a masterpiece a masterpiece is when you have triangles solidifying the image.

Let's back up for a second. I dropped my camera when I was in London and with all the trouble I have had with my computer (thank GOD Sam has her lap top here) I figured as I carried my battered camera into Tamarkin that they would tell me to fuck off. I forgot that Leica has warranties on their cameras and lenses unlike anything and that customer service is most important.

I had talked with Craig on the phone many many times and I had imagined him to be this youngish guy that was probably a little geeky and that his friend Al was this older, short fat balding white guy that was a slight perv.

As I stood before these men I took the typical Southern belle attitude where I was shy and had to hide my obvious desire for this man that was so good to me last year after my mom died and kept me in mind.

I walked in and said "You don't know me in person."

Al looked at me and said "You're Catherine Clay."

I looked over at him a little flustered and asked "How did you know?"

So... Al looks like Chris Rock. And Craig, oh my god. Both of them were so beautiful. They are working in this super ultra conservative store and I think they are like islands where they work amongst other super geeky guys.

I carefully handed over my baby, very sad that I had to part with her even though I have know that she has been sick for a few months now. At first, Craig was just going to take the lens and give me another lens to shoot with but as he checked her out he realized there was something not quite right about her and he decided to take all of her. Can I tell you how glad I was to turn her in in person, and that Sam was there to hold my hand?

I was also very glad to meet the sexy studs of Tamarkin. Why I even believe I got a touch of the vapors while I was there.

So, as we left what seems to be over 10 pounds lighter (my camera is SOOOOOOOOO heavy) we decided to grab a bite at Wendy's. It nice traveling with another brain girl because not only do we need to eat at the same time, we have to pee and all that other stuff at the same time. I notice it most when I become a bit incoherent. I probably also needed to eat to comfort myself for having to leave my baby. Thank God Zack let me borrow his digital camera (I will include photos of this day when my computer is fixed).

So then we went to see the Warhols. Then we walked around and shopped for a little while. We ended up at this lace shop where the guy there happens to be the best friend of one of the doctors I have seen back in Louisville named Martin Fox. We chit chatted forever about him going to Kentucky and how he got his wife and how they are best friends and when his mother got cancer Dr. Fox flew up to see the scans himself the next day and tell him that he might lose his mother. She has now survived lung cancer for 25 years and that, my dear, is a miracle.

He even let me call Granny collect to see if she needed anything and ended up selling me 14 yards of hem tape for $2. I also got this chiffon thing to make a nice fem summer dress for next year.

So after that we went to meet Tomas. As he walked up to us I couldn't get over the amazing resemblance he has to Seinfield. Only he's not Seinfield nor is he very egotistical. Anyways, we took off and he added nothing but richness to our day.

Sam wanted to eat Chinese and Irving, the dude from the lace shop, told us for desert we had to go to Ferrea and eat there. Sam has been to NY several times and she once ate at this Vegetarian Paradise on Mott so we found it. We walked the wrong way for a while through smells I have only encountered in Moscow. What struck me as the strangest thing was that people moved from China to here and brought third world customs to a first world country... fish on the street, blech, and tons and tons of activity.

I understand the necessity of feeling some of your culture from home as you move into a foreign place but to me it seems so strange to continue such practices. The digital camera is not that great at taking photos and this one guy wanted me to pay him for taking his photo and I looked over at him, laughing "No." (Remember my rule... if you don't want your photo taken out in public then don't be in a public place and I never pay for anything I can't get for free).

So we walked back to Vegetarian Paradise 3 and I had the best Asian cuisine I have ever had. They did something to Tofu to make it taste like chicken, the consistency and flavor was out of this world AND IT WAS FILLING! The company, the service, the food was all divine and I felt like such a Goddess last night.

We walked out of there, a little wiser, more saited, and more content in each other's presence. Then we went to Ferrea and I had my first cannoli, just like Irv told me to try. It was soooo sweet and so yummy but what I liked the most was the Gelato that Tomas was eating.

I went upstairs to use the bathroom and some guys were wise talking me. When I came down they asked me if I found it and I told them I hoped I did. One guy said something to me about missing and I replied "I don't have the equipment to miss." which was heard probably by anyone sitting nearby. They didn't get it but Sam was laughing when I went to sit down.

We then went to Tower records on Broadway and I got the new NIN CD along with the sound track to RUN LOLA RUN. The chick asked me how I liked the movie as I checked out and I raved on and on about it.

She told me to see AMERICAN BEAUTY.

We walked to Prince St. and this is where our time with Tomas ended and I started to cry. We had many deep conversations from everything about death and spirituality to Sam and Tomas doing impersonations of people from other places. I was distraught about the evening ending. I was very much stimulated and it was one of those days that I can't completely articulate because we all felt so many different things on so many different levels.

We bid Tomas adieu and went back to the Port Authority to come back to NJ. (Just a $2.55 ride away!) We bought our tickets and had an hour so we went to Times Square and tried to take a number of photos which did not take. We had to run back to catch the bus on time and that's when my toe started acting up. We barely made it and boarded the bus. I listened to Sam as she told me how she met Tomas on Star Island.

We came back to the hotel and there were some messages from David Sonshine on the machine. He found my page and we started chatting a while ago and since I was in the neighborhood... It was after one but I called anyway and he came here and Sam came back to bed while he took me out to a local diner. I was not much of a conversationalist after having such a big day. I asked how his trip to Israel went and we chit chatted for a while and I had a very pleasant time. He was a gentleman.

I think he was surprised to talk to me as a person.

This is something I have been thinking about. This diary represents about 1/10 of who I really am. You don't get my expressions, my complete impressions or really very much of who I am because there is so much more to me. And just because you come here to read about what I do and see what I am doing doesn't mean you really know how I feel about certain things because I write to gain a better perspective of myself and what I feel about certain things. It's a guide for me to remember much more of why I felt a certain way... and to see if as time goes by I really start to lose my mind.

So... it's strange to meet my "fans" just because the whole concept of me being popular enough to have a following is strange, but so is life. I think I let other people's perceptions jade me about NY. I had a great time here, very unexpected and very pleasant.

Thank you again, David, for taking me out to diner (har har) and getting lost! I had a great time and thank you for your hospitality!

Wednesday September 29, 1999

I am so tired. I got loaded on the plane and we all waited ther forever. The captain invited any small ones up to the cockpit. I think this is the first flight I have ever been on where there were no children.

David is a sweetie. He took me and Sam to the MOMA today after a brief tour of where he lives in NJ. I wish I could have seen more, but we were suppose to meet John Clay at the museum and we were late and I was antsy. When I am late I get very jittery.

It's technically Wednesday now... and I just got home. I have been writing poems all day. I haven't included any of my poetry on this site in a long time and I haven't really felt like writing much in a very long time. Sam says I should write an artcile for Wired on Cyber culture and I think I will. It will be very interesting. I can talk about all kinds of experiences from the freaky doctor who grew up in Danville and knew my father's parents to the first time I called Sam. My life via the Internet culture has been one of the strangest I am sure. E-mail is how Zack and I became such great friends. Fights with my sister. Fights with people I have written about. The funniest thing is how people project themselves to be one person but really that is just their ideal projection of themselves and in real life... it's so individual. People I have met, dirty letters I have written to men I have never seen.

Jenny Cam is a part of FAME at the MOMA. That totally and completely freaked me the fuck out. I wonder if she has burned out on her own persona. I wonder if I ever will.

So Sonshine was full of sunshine to blow up my ass. I feel so good about myself after meeting one of my "fans". I have met some other people that knew me and then we met, but they were never "fans" to me. Just people offering a nice place to stay but usually always with some of the best experiences I have had being alive.

The net has completely and utterly changed my view of the world along with going to Russia. Internet romances, interesting philosophies, and rarely have I ever had a bad time. Sometimes I learn so much more about myself through other people's eyes.

"Well, I wouldn't say you were a bitch."

DUH!!!! I just call myself a bitch not the way Merdith Brooks calls herself a bitch (eh... very little) but more like Missy Elliot. I fucking take care of myself and my own well being. I have learned that more then anything.

I am one of the kindest people you could ever meet. I am so sweet and I have such a pure heart. I talk about these crazy fucked up things sometimes but I don't hold it to my heart always. Sometimes I just mention things so that other people realize that although I have been through hell and back that I am such a good person and I "have a kind and generous heart" as told by my last fortune cookie.

Sam has a very pure heart. She is like me... we don't act like we always know what we are doing but we live our lives with as much joy and as little strife as possible.

I did finally evolve into believing that my life does not have to always be emotionally traumatic, but it can be so much more interesting as long as that is where I put my energy. I have been introverted for a little while methinks, from my mom dying but now I feel like I am getting to the point where I have nothing to lose once again.

Plus I am broke and I need the money.

I still miss my mommy.

And Happy Birthday Mr. Kilpi.

************************************************************

I didn't wake up until noon today. But then again I didn't fall asleep until after 3.

I have been applying to jobs all day and listening to the new NIN cd that I bought in NYC=. They also had the RUN LOLA RUNCD that I wanted.

I wrote to wired to see if I could try to write articles on Cyber Culture. So... maybe something will come of that.

Sam thinks I should change my persona on the web. I have my reasons for leading people to believe I am a bitch. If I advertised myself as a cupcake buffy girl do you think I would get the same number of hits? And if you can read through my thoughts and think I am a total bitch then your are wrong. Nor can you honestly judge what kind of person I am.

I think my favorite song on this CD, or CD one is track five, WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER. Trent has brought me through many a rough period in my life. I feel that we are in this life together, his music moves through my body as his lyrics reach into the deepest level of my soul. Both of us evolving as artists. Turning rage into an art form. At least I do have music that is evolving like I feel I do. I love the Quake tracks too. It was nice to know as he was refining his talent he was working on composing.

Can I just tell you how strange it was to meet other Clays that I am distantly related to that don't have a horrid case of Clayitis? I don't know why but most of my first cousins are all fucked up from being raised by Clay men. I think the only cousins that I have that are half way healthy are Richie's kids. My cousin Katie was a governer scholar. But he also stayed married to his wife, which I find quite admirable. My cousins in Spain have to be my personal favorite because they are European and American. I remember when they used to come for visits when I was a child. Maybe that is one of the reasons I found it invaluable to learn about a totally different culture then what I had been born and breed to grow in.

God I am glad that I have the Internet. I can express my thoughts and feelings with strangers, people you aren't supposed to talk to, and get validation that my thoughts on life aren't so far out there and rather well accepted.

I am glad to announce that my grandfather is still alive but my uncle Chuck is dying. So I was right about someone dying, just not my grandfather.

Maybe once you have experienced death once before, you know how he feels as he looms next to someone you are connected to. Sam has met a lot of people with Brain Tumors and a number of them have died. I don't know how she has kept up her strength to keep doing what she does. She completely amazes me.

The light here is amazing. It's been raining and I missed it. That makes me a little sad. I feel like giong for a walk. Maybe I can go alone.

So I must say that Mr. Reznor has not let me down to date. His music is plesant on this album. It's soft and souful. Hints of Quake meshing through the notes. OK... I am getting off here...

Pure
Photography

PHOTOS\

Dr. Block's

Nature

Cubes

Europe

Portraits

Fantasy

Dying

Kazantip

Birthday

Russia '96

Russia

London '99

Stills '98