We went out to dinner with Josh's parents last night. Then we went to Scott's. I was so upset because we got into another fight about my cussing and I cried and told him yet again of the problems I have had.
"Well, I thought if I reminded you that it would make you remember."
"If I can't do it for my grandmother then I can't do it for your parents. This is why I don't like to be around people that don't accept me for this aspect of my character..."
"Oh baby I didn't mean to make you cry. I think it's cute when you cuss."
I got so frustrated I said "Fuck YOU JOSH" and things haven't been quite right since. We went over to Scott's afterwards and I fell asleep sitting in one of his chairs. My eyes were red and I told them I was upset from a dream I had had earlier where Momma was alive and when I woke up she was really dead. When I realized that she was really gone I started to wail.
I haven't woken up from a dream like that in so long that I just lyed in Josh's arms and cried and cried and cried. I was so upset to realize that mom wasn't real when I felt all the understanding, all the unconditional love and happiness that I felt as a child.
It was all ripped from me in a matter of moments and I was left feeling vulnerable, isolated and alone. It was more painful melting into Josh like that in one instance and then in another to be frantic trying to get away from him because he took a point that I told him I couldn't change and made another big deal about it.
We keep talking about moving in together and I decided that I don't want to live with someone that intimately and they can't pay my rent. I'm not doing that to myself any longer. I am an independent woman and if I have to give up certain freedoms by all means I don't think I should pay my half of the rent when I have so many fucking bills now that I can't see straight.
I almost broke up with him last night because he didn't get the thing about cussing and I thought this was a situation that would never resolve. It's not about me cussing that makes him mad it's the things he can't talk about.
"I'm going through it all too... I just thought if I jogged your memory that you would know and it would get better."
No... the only thing that will make it "better" is if you would understand that there is one thing I can't change about me and that's my cussing. It's a neurological disorder. When I get comfortable it will get better so I am not always cussing around them but for now I get nervous and it's something I can't control. I wish I could. I would do anything to have the jobs I have lost from cussing.
I'm a size 10 now. I never ever thought in a million years I would be this small but I intend on getting smaller.
Kelly Ann will be here tomorrow. I can't wait to see her. I need some love.
Royalyn started posting on ac.net again. It's nice to know even she realized she couldn't take care of her children and that she needed some help. I am glad she is getting some of the care she needed. I wish nothing but the best for her. I wish I had money...
I've got to sleep now so I can wake up early and vote and go pick Kelly Ann up from the airport.
I'm glad that now she is here that Josh is going to stay at his place more. I need some "get away from Josh" time. I think we had too much sex this weekend and that gave him a healthy dose of entitlement issues which I don't wish to explore ever again.
Monday November 8, 2004
So I have been so ill today.
I woke up wishing I was dead. This last week killed me. I was confused and thought I was supposed to go to the doctor but that's next week. They called and rescheduled some appointments so I have to go in on Wednesday. I am none too happy about all this information.
We had sex tonight. We had sex last night. "How long would you have sex if you could?" I asked him on Sunday.
"Two to six." He tells me later after thinking about it.
It's so good. We made a total mess last night after Kelly Ann left. We had to use two towels and there was bnlood everywhere. I'm starting to be upset because I have noticed that sometimes I shit when we are fucking. I know I should be happy that he's fucking the shit out of me but it's just another symptom of this disease I hate succumbing to.
It was a shock to go through Kelly Ann's appointments with her. I couldn't believe what Dr. Caton said. He was so kind to ask me how I was doing. So gentle. Then he went right in to tell Kelly Ann what was wrong with her. I was in shcok.
"It runs right up against her pitutary gland." I say to the neurologist that doesn't believe me. I tell him which tests she needs... her cortisol and prolactin.
Then we see Dr. Caton. By the end of Friday she is diagnosed with hypopitutarism. My heart falls apart. She is like me without the MS. She was me when I was her age. We are so much alike.
I call SSD today to see about filing a cliam. They tell me that my claim from 2001 is still open. I had given up already and worked which means I might just get money for all the times I wasn't working.
I get to see Mr. Lameuroux again.
I didn't move out of my bed today. I don't really want to tomorrow. I have to see Dr. Irma, my new psychotherapist. It's not going too well. Initially she informed me that it was $10 a copay. It went up to $25 and she is just too much. I could have used all my 30 visits but... I don't even want to use any of them.
Life has taken on an edge that I don't know what to think or which direction I am going in. I am in love... he is going to move in here Dallas decided that if he can cook her Zone meals it will save her moeny and he won't have to pay extra rent. "That's $400 a month we can save :)!"
"$500!!!"
Well then in 2 months Hawaii here we come.
He also got a call to redo a horrific website. I hope he gets the job because then need it and he needs a great paying job. It's located in the Valley but I don't give a shit. I told him we could move to Burbank when this lease was up.
So I am pretty fucked up about everything going on. I am still pissed at the way Bowne is handeling my checks. I don't have to lie about being disabled.
I wish we could all be writers. Kathi was talking about how she wanted to work on something that she could leave behind because there wasn't enough. I told her I should talk to my dad to see if we could file a class action lawsuit.
Craig told Josh he has lost some weight. I didn't notice but I think he has. We've been eating more and more organic foods and I am trying to follow the glutten free diet. I am 175 and a size 10. I haven't weighed this since I was in high school. I'm still too hot to be this sick.
I've been having hot flashes with cold sweats. I've been on my period for 2 days which has lead to my outstanding exhaustion.
I don't know what to make out of life these days. I am surprised I wake up in the morning and can walk and see. We watched Something's Gotta Give last night and it's such a cute movie. I would love to be the kind of writer to have all that stuff but I need to finish my fucking book. I need to give myself a deadline. This is stupid and there are other books to be prepping for publication.
I can't beleive how awesome Josh is. He puts up with all this craziness with such aplomb. Kelly Ann couldn't get over how much he loves me. "I've never had a guy act like that for me."
"I kind of expect it. I've known Josh for 2 years. I wasn't going to mess around anymore because I am serious about my life and I don't want to waste my time with someone that can't give me love." I wanted to say but naturally I was just like all my boyfriends are like that.
I didn't have a dime to spend while she was here. I was upset that my checks were late but naturally these got here the day she left. She was always so sleepy that she couldn't do it all...
I still can't get over how much shit that woman has been through. Life is strange like that somtiems.
Wednesday November 10, 2004
So... I'm freaking out about losing all this weight. I don't like it.
"But baby most people would be happy to be you."
Not me. I think it's gross. I hate this obsessive compulsive society where women scarf and barf and look like little boys with tits. I already miss my fat rolls on my back. I look in the mirror to make sure they are really gone.
Then he said it. "I like you better thinner." I honestly don't know why he is sleeping next to me. Oh yeah... I need to borrow his truck tomorrow so I can go to Arcadia because he fucked my clutch up riding and grinding it and now I have to pay for the fucker to be fixed.
I think men are more trouble than they are worth. I really hopes he gets this job. He told me if he gets a better job then he will pay my rent but I think he's too cheap. He's so fucking tight that when we first started dating I wanted to break up with him because he never paid for anything.
One day I realize I am paying for prescriptions that work on his skin that I got. These fuckers aren't cheap either!
I kept telling him he was going to fuck my clutch up and instead of saying "I'm sorry I fucked your clutch up" he keeps saying "I didn't do it" when just last week I told Kelly Ann he grinds the gears and wouldn't you know it he gets in my fucking car and the first thing he does is grinds the gears.
When the clutch is fixed he's not driving my car anymore.
So he went to bed pissed at me for IMing him that he is a pig for saying that shit when I am sure he just meant it to be a compliment.
"Look the reason I hate all that shit (wrapped around in exercise and BULLSHIT) is that my dad said he got divoced from my mom because she got fat..." She didn't gain weight after 6 pregnancies. She had fucking ovarian cancer for god damn sake and that fucker was too selfish to realize that she was ill.
Then he adds insult to injury. "What happens if I get fat again?"
"I'll still fuck you." PIG. So basically you are being a pig because that's what this fucking PIG society has taught you. At least be like a true pig like Drew Cary and be proud of you pig nature.
"I'll beat 'em off with a stick" he tells me when I tell him I worry about how men will react to me thin.
The fat roll supporting the boobs is gone now. I knew if I had a boob job to fix my back that he would be gone. "It's all about the breasts." Zorba echos through my mind. "That's how I met you." He's a self-proclaimed pig that freely admits he's a pig and isn'ty shy about being one where as a deceitful pig is the fucking worst. They come at you with piggy comments when you least expect it.
"Oh baby you will never be thin." He tells me. "If you are too thin I will tell you." I bet you will you fucking pig. You aren't going to be able to beat the boys off with a stick. You are going to have to work like a slave picking cotton on a hot August afternoon to keep me fucking happy. Oh great... just what I need. Someone who brings out my brain damaged racist upbringing.
I am with Kelly Ann... and Buzzy. I talk with KA for 3 hours tonight about all the things she is going through. "No one is going to understand you KA."
"I don't know what it is but I can't STAND TO BE ALONE!" she sobs in Kentucky.
"I know. I know. I'm the same way. Why do you think I have a room mate? I can't stand to be alone at all." Then it flashes on me more how much I want to be near her just to know she's ok.
I almost want to be alone. I go through phases where I want nothing more to be alone and at the same time I think about my Granny who is.
Friday November 12, 2004
Josh took this amazing photograph of me. I've become quite the deviant art whore lately.
I sometimes really have to wonder what's going through that boy's head. I think sometimes he would rather look at photos of me instead of fuck me or takes moments to remember for the BOMB (beat off memory bank).
I love him though so I could careless about when he goes into jack off moments when we are making love or doing whatever we do but I have noticed those moments are becoming few and far between. |
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My back hurts. What else is new. It's going to cost me over $300 to have an injection into the site where this "benign" incidental finding grates on my spine every fucking second I breathe. I hate it.
Saturday November 13, 2004
The lesson that wasn't.
Today I had a very nice meal with a gentleman from Canada. I was so nervos about the ordeal of giving him a lesson (I'm a bit out of practice since I've been dating Josh) since I want to go home for Christmas and take Josh with me. It's a simple formaldity that can be fixed in a few short lessons.
In addition to this I would like ot see that Shanna McCoy gets into seeing Dr. Caton so that she can have a through workup and properly be diagnosed with MS as I saw in her scans which also resembled the MS circled by the doctors that did her MRI. I want her to get proper medical attention ASAP and I am willing to do what I can to make that happen.
So the lesson that wasn't. I was to give a lesson today to an extraordinaridnly weathy business man that makes surgical centers for a living.
Tuesday November 23, 2004
We went to San Diego on Saturday night to spend a psuedo Thanksgiving with Josh's grandparents after we both went to the store to get new phones because some cocksucker stole mine. I discovered while there that my credit is finally good enough to get my own cell plan again. I was estatic and bought a new camera/video phone.
He played with me on the way back. I squirted all over the seat and was mixed with desire and fatigue.
