Thursday
July 3, 2003
I knew
when he had the keys that the night was going to be misery.
And he should have known better than to leave without me.
I was
having an enjoyable moment on the3rd St. Promenade with
him. We were laughing and enjoying one another. Everything
seemed hunky dorey. We stop for a spot at the Johnny Rockets
there. He starts sulking because I ask an old fag for a
fag and we strike up a delightful conversation as only
the truest of fag hags can.
He got
insulted because they asked me if I was a lesbian and I
smiled back and replied, "friendly" and the anger
grew. And he sulked. And it grew. He drank out of a ketchup
bottle.
When
I left they told me to have a good time with him and I
smiled and mouthed back "fuck" because he is
such a monster just when we are out in public. I walk by
to watch the little doggies performing tricks and start
walking back to the car and suddenly realize I am alone.
I turn around to see him with his face in with the guys
we just left and I am utterly appalled.
"Baby,
if you see that I am going to get mad just let me get mad." The
sentence of the night.
I go
to Borders. I try to read one of the books but that only
makes me antsy in thinking about all the work I have to
do on my book and how I can't do anything because my fucking
power adaptor is broken.
Then
I decide to go to Urban Outfitters and found this beautiful
book with a huge flower on the front and then I am up to
page 50. Then I am sitting down and on past 100. Life lessons.
Open your heart and you will find like minded people. Think
positively and you will be rewarded and like minded people
will gravitate towards you.
It's
over $14. I want to buy it but I don't.
Then
I finally decide to go to the car. He's waited long enough.
I go into the bathroom right next to the elevators to the
car and notice a homeless woman had already made her bed
for the night and the only choice I had was to use the
toilet with a lot of pee right in a puddle right where
my feet are.
I go
up and there is no car.
I'm
resourceful. I ask the girls walking near me if they live
in Venice. No dice.
I go
to the place where all the cabbies are. I go up to them
and ask them if they will take me home for $11. They said
I would have to ask the first cab driver. Where are you
guys from? "Armenia." And here comes my knight
in shining armor.
Rule
#1. Do not piss your wife off.
Rule
#2. Do not strand your wife. Ever.
Rule
#3. Do no strand your wife that speaks fluent Russian near
men that speak Russian.
"Will
you take me home for $11?"
"No."
"A
pachmiou nyet?" (and why not?)
Imagine
seeing the graphic from one of those fucked TLC open heart
beating kind of moments. Gears grinding. The heart stops. He
motions me to get into the cab.
"What is your name? Kak tebya zobot? "
"Boris." Interesting since I just renamed my gay
Russian friend Boris. His real name is Balabek but that's
not easy for Americans to remember.
"What is yours?"
"Ya, Katya." I'm Katya.
"Where did you study? "
"MGU."
"I also studied there. "
"What did you study? "
"I'm a criminal attorney." I'm interested. He
has me move to the front. He was born on Granny's birthday.
He is also a Gemini. Armenian. 30.
Before we are even close to home he asks me to go for a
drink. His idea of going for a drink is to go to the liqueur
store. No Makers but lots of Southern Comfort. We park close
to home. We come back here and still no Florent. I beat the
fucker home. I grab my bong to smoke him up for not charging
me when I see him pull in. We run to the front with all the
provisions on the front lawn and just sit and talked and
smoked. We walked back to the cab and talked about the differences.
He's only been here 8 months. He doesn't speak English well.
All the excitement is blurring the ideas and thoughts into
one time although I went to his apartment in the hood last
night. Once a sniper in the Russian Army he tosses the book
with him and his battalion on the table for me to look at
his photo inside the pages. I melt. He was absolutely stunning.
White boy with chiseled features tall hair and a sensuality
there for me to consume with my own passion. Round head,
feet like mine.
I still won't let him fuck me although it has been difficult.
I figure if I do it right this time maybe I won't fuck up.
Train him from the start that when I say no I fucking mean
it. Like that time I gave that 3 lick blow job.
"Does he worship you? "
"No. Would you worship me? "
"Yes."
Why do I have to go out of my way to make my life more complicated?
One would think that I would learn. He doesn't speak English
very well at all. He at least owns his own taxi. "If
I don't work then I can't live here. "
I think that maybe this time... I could feel that. He's
bigger than me however with heels we stand the same. I lie
next to my husband and do not feel the same warmth I feel
in Beck's arms that I kept crawling into last night.
"You are killing me." he tells me. I am still
not sympathetic. I know how I am. I know it's not right to
end a marriage like this. I wasn't looking for it however
I knew something was going to happen that night that would
change my life.
I am thinking about him non stop, like a giddy girl excited
at how one could teach another English. How to approach this
day and remember to live each day at a time.
Tomorrow is Independence day.
Sunday
July 6, 2003
I have
the worst case of boy craze. I am doing it again. Falling
in love. He's all I can think about, my man, my muse. I
don't know why these things happen but they do. I don't
think I really care why they happen either I am just glad
they do. I feel like jumping into life again, which is
a feeling I haven't felt in forever.
The
4th was fantastic. I thought I was going to get to spend
some of it Beck but the fucker's phone was down so when
I called he wasn't there. I got sick of waiting around
here. I called everyone I knew, Chris and Olga. Olga called
me right back and told me about this AMAZING party in Marina
Del Rey off Ironsides. IT was A-fucking-mazing.
I drank
WAY too much and had to make myself vomit. Note to self,
vomiting with screws in your head causes PAIN. All that
soft tissue moved around so much that I don't care if I
am going to die I never want to vomit again. I think that's
one sure method of curing a bulimic.
I passed
out on somebody's bed and woke up when the fireworks started
to go off. I went outside and watched them go off with
3 strangers. The one's in Malibu were the biggest. You
could see them go off in succession from Malibu to Santa
Monica to Venice to Marina Del Rey to Manhattan Beach and
maybe all the way down to Long Beach. It was A-fucking-mazing.
I was
dressed so bad that Olga had to rush me to Melrose yesterday
for a fun day of shopping where I spent a lot of money
and have to get rid of some of these rags I have around
here now. I bought these ridiculously high tan shoes that
are funky and out of this world. I almost want to take
them back but I don't think I will.
All
I can do is think about my new love. How I so desperately
want to get the fuck away from Florent and how I possibly
have the opportunity to move in with a dude and help him
get his shit going with photography. I can't wait to be
a model again.
I have
on a mask that is almost dry. I love this Sally Hanson
nail polish with the diamonds in it because if I paint
my nails it stays on almost all week. I put Jessica on
my toes. Bright red. Thinking about them in his lips while
his huge cock is buried inside of me.
All
the things he said swirling through my head. I climbed
back on him to just feel his strength and melted. No refractory
period he had me back down on the couch and pulled his
cock out. I almost let him put it in but I couldn't do
that because I wasn't sure when my cunt would start bleeding
and was not about to take the chance to get pregnant.
I feel
like he's someone's arms I can fall into and be comfortable
for a very long time. I think about waking up in those
arms, of teasing him...
Monday
July 6, 2003
I'm
going to jump on his co-ooock because I want to because
I'm over that jack ass I married.
I know
I should wait but it's so hard to tell a hormonael nymphomaniac
that she needs to dump the first jackass before getting
involved with another one.
God
my pussy is so fucking wet thinking about his huge cock.
All I could do is lie around and think about him all day
yesterday. I slept and slept and slept and saved my energy
so I could fuck him raw.
I left
a message that was like "Die menya, Die menya." Which translates
into "give it to me."
When
I talked to him finally he was like "I didn't understand.
Did you say die menya? Don't worry because I will."
Oh
god... I am just so sick of my situation. I know I should
wait and be good but it so much more fun to at least think
of being bad. And naturally I have the WORST girlfriends
because they are all like "GO GO GO!" Not my younger sister
and my older sister just told me to get my own place.
Anne
is totally pissed and told me to get rid of the husband
first.
I have
totally become the man I wanted to marry and now I want
to fuck a Russian Sniper. Ex Russian Sniper with a huge
dick and fucking insane. I am so dumb. Another fucking
attorney.
Wednesday
July 9, 2003
"Slishiet
Kat, ya prexaesh Mockve clidshiou mecetca." (listen
Kat, I am going to Moscow next month.)
"Ya
tozhe hachiou." (I wanna go)
"Payedom.
You can leave your husband." (let's go)
"I
need a Visa."
"It's
not a problem. I will do it."
Thud,
thud, thud... he's asking me to do exactly what I have
wanted to do. The elevator goes here from now. My life
is taking that edge it used to have where there was no
definition before.
Jump
from crazy love to mad, jealous insane love where I am
left staring at a computer screen hours on end thinking
about those stupid little condoms "ti nada kupet zelone
package. Eta dela bolshoi..." You need to buy the green
package for big cocks.
"Navarna
ti pravino." You are exactly right he says to me after
the third condom we used slipped down.
"Katya...
I didn't hurt you? Most girls say that I do it too hard."
"No..." I
love being fucked so god damn hard my ears start ringing.
Thursday
July 11, 2003
Breathe
in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Daddy
was in the paper yesterday.
I can't
*wait* to publish my diary now.
I haven't
gotten ahold of Beck lately. Either he broke his phone,
the battery completely died or he's too busy to check what's
going on. I think that I don't really want to put too much
energy into freaking out.
I made
pot butter last night. 4 sticks for I don't know how much
pot. I sat and debated whether I should smoke it more or
if I want butter more so I decided that I would rather
have the butter to make food because when I eat pot vs.
smoking it I get more bang for my buck and I feel better
longer.
This
batch of butter is really strong. I can still dilute it
with more butter.
Florent
knows something is up now. I told him I was leaving him.
I still don't think he believes me. I am going to start
putting stuff in storage so that I can start flipping around.
"Can't
we still be friends?"
"Yes
but I don't want to have sex with you and I am not going
to suck your dick anymore."
I hate
how guilt makes you feel like you you need to give the
person that you no longer want to be with extra attention.
Should
I turn my world around?
Anne
wants me to work for the government. I told her I would
rather work for the Russian government. Beck wants me to
be a politician. I feel like I am a piece on a chess board
and that I will be walking the streets of Moscow this winter
which I detest thinking about the cold but love the idea
of being wrapped in a mink and being with a real man.
What
do I want more though?
I know
why they talk about cheaters so much now. Only other cheaters
really care about other cheaters because they got caught.
That's why they have those TV shows.
And
now I know why other people cheat. Because it's so divine.
I am getting off on it. I love cheating on him. I love
fucking Beck and even though it was only 3 times I sit
here at my desk and think of the feelings that I get when
we are together and so high, full of love and enamoured
with one another. I hold on to these feelings I think for
the first time in my life.
I'm
in a daze. Wondering how I can deal with this. Before I
was simply a brain damaged woman with nympho tendencies.
Now I feel like a raging lunatic. I don't care about anything
but cock.
I wrote
a letter to one of the guys that I call for a joke once
in a while because you need it.
It's
so bizarre. I thought to myself that after I did this crap
with Florent and the INS that I would be moving to Moscow.
I wanted to do that. It's funny how these opportunities
present themselves.
I also
knew that night we went out that I would have to take a
cab home. I wasn't expecting this...
Monday
July 14, 2003
I am
a criminal. I had an auto accident and I don't have insurance.
I am
cheating on my husband. I guess that big red "A" Nathaniel
Hawthorne wrote for the Scarlet Letter stands for Action.
I have
to get out of this place. I am not proud of myself and
I am not proud of what I have done or what my life is turning
into. There is too much of a mess and I am so tired.
He
confronted me about it last night. He wanted to know which
nationality my new boyfriend was because he read a snippet
of my diary. I have been writing it on the server and saving
it so there isn't a lot in my diary that he could have
read.
He threatened
to hit me last night after he ruined a load of laundry by washing
something I had dyed with some other colors. "You don't pay
attention." I had taken 3 or 4 Vicodan, Richard rolfed me and
I ate 2 brownies that have a shit load of pot in them. My mouth
had a ton of white shit in it and I have never seen that. It
was like I was a rabid bitch.
I didn't
sleep all fucking weekend. I was out partying with Balabek.
Friday night I went home and made brownies. I took a bath.
I got all clean. I was just going to go to bed and rest.
I hadn't talked with him for 2 days because he didn't pay
for his phone but by Friday night it was back on. I called
him after I spent 4 fucking hours trying to get my new
Go phone going and he told me he was almost done working
and that I should meet him out.
It
was 10 pm. Florent still wasn't home (why? because he was
out to dinner with his cousin and then called me to tell
me the "great" news of them just so happening to stop by
here in LA on their way to Vegas). I got all my fucking
clothes on and ran out the door. I met him about an hour
later after I washed my car. He had to take some people
to their destination and so I sat with him and chatted
them up. It was near where I lived. We left my car in SM
and went to North Hollywood. He hadn't slept for a long
time. I gave him head and then he fucked me with a semi
hard on. I don't know how. Then I tried to fall asleep
in his arms but mostly just listening to him sleep and
was in awe that he didn't move the entire time I was sleeping
on his shoulder.
I felt
protected. I felt secure. I felt like I was with a real
man.
I know
this is probably the second biggest mistake I will make
but now I don't really care. I feel like it's the right
thing to do.
"Why
is it everyone knows your family?" Florent asked me. Like
it was painful. He could never figure it out until now.
There are a lot of things he couldn't figure out until
now but I don't care anymore because I am done.
"Baby,
I can't not have insurance."
"That's
not my problem, Catherine."
"We
are MARRIED." I guess it doesn't matter anymore.
So...
yeah. I guess now we really see that this is what this
marriage has been about. What have you done for me lately?
He
just called me. He thinks that he can treat me like shit
and I will help him out with the INS and like it. What
a fucking joke. I'm not going home tonight. Not after he
lifted his hand to me like that.
There
are so many thoughts running through my head. So many different
feelings and sensations. Right now I just want to get back
to the crummy apartment in North Hollywood and have my
brains fucked out. I am not looking forward to leaving
the office. Rhonda is in the fucking hospital because her
kidney stones put her there. I miss her already but when
she was crying the other day why did did I care for her
enough to give her money when I sure as hell can't afford
medical care from Cedars Sinai.
Grumble
grumble.
Shit
I was in a bad mood until I read the letters in the arachnoidcyst.org
web mail. Those always make me fucking cry.
Tuesday
July 15, 2003
I felt
like crap all day. I didn't know why until I called Granny.
Carol, my mother's cousin, died yesterday from a brain
tumor.
Wednesday
July 16, 2003
I went
to see Rhonda in the hospital last night.
I was
upset most of the day yesterday because of all this bullshit
going on. I can't live like this. I think it's time to
just buy a boat so I can float on it and live by myself
and work on my shit for a while.
I think
for certain this is what I need to do so I can have some
peace of mind.
Buzzy
is letting me stay on the boat for a couple of days. I
am so excited. I haven't heard from Balabek so he can iti
na huey, or just go fuck himself. It was nice while it
lasted but in this frame of mind I don't want to deal with
that kind of bullshit. I am sure he feels the same way.
I am
having hot flashes I have determined. I get really hot
sometimes and sick. I can't wait to get home to sit on
the boat for a while. A Towel, sheets a blanket and my
clothes. There is a TV there.
Thursday
July 17, 2003
"There's
nothing like a good fuck to cheer you up." This is what
I am going to use on my greeting card.
I desire
him tremendously. I never anticipated that my appetite
had gotten so voracious. Like a long spell of eating Raman
noodles and then all of a sudden you have steak. I feel
like I am wild with my desires.
My
desire to be loved.
My desire to feel needed.
My desire to have a gratifying sex life.
My desire to be held.
I could
hardly fall asleep last night. I guess I feel like and
annexoric that loves to watch people when they eat only
I am an insomanic that can't sleep. I laid and listened
to his breathing rhythmically but harsh. Feeling so jealous
from the sheer fact that I can not just sleep like that.
I had to finally wake from my sleep to go pee and bit down
on a half a tablet so that I could also join him.
I fall
asleep in the nook of his arm, feeling protected. Half
way through the night I strayed and he finds me and pulls
me close to him once again. I love the heat of his body
against my spine. It makes for a much better day and allows
me to rest much more easily.
I spied
my pale arm against his chest in the dim light. My heart
pounded through my ears and chest when I heard a noise
outside and thought that Florent had boarded the boat.
I enjoyed the thudding in my ears and the adrenlin rush
I was having and all the irrational worries flooding through
my mind.
"I
leave in 14 days." he tells me. As if I could forget. Why
is it that when you really are having a great time you
have to leave? I don't know why it is but it is. An expired
passport is what he needs.
I love
to look at him naked with his tattoo from his batillion
over his heart and the way that his hips jut out from beneath
his skin so gently. Sprinkles of hair and a tremendous
amount of passion so readily to give to me.
"Did
you think you would be with an American woman?"
"After
2 years I thought that I would be. Right now my English
not so good. Did you think you would be with an Armenian
man?" another moonlit smoke. The water was quiet and I
was delightfully giddy at staying on the boat again. Thank
God for small blessings.
Finally
I am satied and empty from being fucked so much. I love
to watch his face contort from the pleasure of slamming
his big fat cock deep inside of me. I felt something last
night I haven't felt in a long time. I think the G-spot
is a direct line to your pituitary gland and his cock is
so big all the way up that the pleasure is distributed
evenly.
"People
leave their small towns because they are searching for
something they couldn't find at home." the TV droans on.
I served
him steak, Brie, bread, Bing cherries and a screwdriver.
He wanted the meat to be cooked a little longer but I told
him this was how my father cooked it.
I feel
like I am exuding sensuality which is something I haven't
felt in a long time. I love being held at night. It's so
funny how he grasped onto me in his sleep. I faded away
like that in his arms.
"Might
as well face it your addicted to love..." I'm not going
to be insane and crazy I've decided. I just knew something
like this was going to happen. I could feel it in my bones.
I can also sense that I will melt in his arms in Moscow.
I don't
know how I can stretch out the next hour and a half. I
went to Buzzy's sisters today and had a swim and she made
me a sandwich. It was such sweet relief from the concrete
cess pool of the Valley. I don't know what I would do without
that woman.
Hmmm...
to sit here and look busy.
I'm
just thinking of tapping that ass out. It's so funny when
it's a chick saying that. I must say I am feeling like
a stud once again like Matt once called me so many years
ago.
This
morning he woke up without a problem. I had it on 105 with
Big Boy in the Morning. "Let me tap that ass out" was a
fave at the 4th of July party.
Tonight
some of his friends are coming over. I like it that his
Army friends still keep in touch and several of them are
scattered over here. I like it a lot that he has a lot
of friends because I hate being with someone that doesn't
have any. It makes for a lonely life.
Buzzy
was all excited for me to have him over tonight. I know
she is back handedly jealous but she is also very happy
for me.
I'm
just afraid that I won't see him again deep down. Not that
that would be the end of the world but having a taste of
someone's passion is not an easy drug to give up especially
when they are so freely willing to give it. I know I am
going to miss it once it's gone.
Time's
up. It's 5 o'clock.
Friday
July 18, 2003
"My
nerves are also shot." he tells me. "I have 3 bullets in
me. Right here in my leg, in my shoulder and my finger
is messed up. I lived for 5 years in the snow. I don't
want winter anymore. It hurts."
"Winter
hurts me too."
"Glendale
is nice. It's very quiet up there. That's where my army
buddies live."
"I'm
so happy that you have friends. It's so important."
Sunday
July 20, 2003
Balo
|
"This
is the one that is my favorite." He points it out.
It's not my favorite but I knew that I could at least
scan it and put it in my diary for now. Holding a place
on my heart a reminder that I am still a sinful slut
that loves riding up and down on his cock.
His
come faces are so endearing. I love it when he
is in so much ecstasy that his eyes roll back in
his head and his mouth drops open.
Or
another one of my voyeuristic faves is the watching
of the cock sliding in and out of my body as though
it were a surreal event occuring like the haunting
screams from a frightened ghost. "Is this for real?" |
I must
admit my pussy is finally sore. That kind of sore that
comes from rubber getting caught in the most intmate parts
of your body. I can't even think about having sex right
now.
Josh
H. had a pool party yesterday. Why is it that when guys
find out you are finally in touch with your uber slut that
they think you are just going to hand them over a piece
of ass?
Just
because I have an Armenian lover doesn't mean that I want
to spread that shit thin. It's not like I am out to have
an affair with anyone. I just so happened to fall on his
dick. It was a total accident. It doesn't help when all
of your girl friends are telling you that you should go
go go.
Florent
is still not home. I am so glad. I just tossed some shit
into the dryer so I should have some clothes to wear tomorrow.
I spent way too much money on party accomidations as well
as buying this super fly outfit this weekend.
So
many thoughts and feelings rolling around in my head. We
had such a wonderful time. I played him Nine Inch Nails.
He talked about how much he hated not being able to understand
English. I fed him swordfish last night an afterglow of
the party before hand. "It tastes like the kind of fish
we have in Armenia." I took off my top and swam topless
for a while before we took Jen Ray to work.
That's
how CJ and I ended up at La Bamba and where I found this
outfit. There are fucking ants everywhere in the bedroom.
The
other day Balo renamed me Cando. He was trying to think
of a good name to call me but naturally I was offended
at what Condo means because 'ts a boy's name. That's why
last night I wanted to look drop dead.
I'm
too tired now. I am going to bed.
Monday
July 21, 2003
I so
hate my job now. I went from having absolute freedom to
do and say whatever I wanted to being locked down by this
asshole that they hired out of the blue. Like none of us
understood what was going on.
Florent
keeps bugging me about my affair. I really do wish I lived
the life in his imagination although I am beginning to
think that his imagination isn't quite as exciting as my
reality.
I told
him that I couldn't go out tonight because I am meeting
Olga for a drink and he said that Eastern Europeans are
fun. I so want to tell him "Oh... you mean the ex Russian
sniper that used to use the French as target practice?"
I honestly
can't wait to get away from this mess. I only have a month
left. Then he can do his interview and I can leave him.
I really want to leave now but I don't have a place to
live yet and I am still saving up money. I would also prefer
to have my own apartment instead of sharing so that I can
scream when Balo (Ba-low) is ramming me with his big fat
cock.
He
had to put his hand over my mouth the first time because
I was making way too much noise. I love it when he rests
his hand on my belly too. I don't think he ever had any
*idea* sex could be so much fun. I had forgotten.
I don't
know where I am going to take this. I want so desperately
to wave my magic wand and make everything ok but that's
not going to happen in this situation. I wish I could call
my mother. And I know once he goes back to Armenia I might
not ever see him again. That is the #1 thought that plagues
me this day. To have something I have always wanted but
for him to be inaccessible. He told me I would be upset
about Florent but I think I am more upset about being seperated
from him. It was torture sleeping in my bed once again
last night. Florent came in and tried to wake me up but
I wouldn't let him and told him to leave me alone because
I was sleeping.
He
got online to accuse me of cheating. I told him I was sick
of this and he said he was too. He asked me if I would
go out with him and I told him I wouldn't because I was
getting a drink with Olga, which is the truth.
Then
I asked him if he was going to be immature and a jerk
when we went out and he said neither and then basically
logged off until next time. I suppose I might as well
come clean and tell him what he wants to hear because
I honestly can't live like this.
Tuesday
July 22, 2030
I can't
stand sleeping in the same room with him. He interrogates
me to no end. All he does is bitch and piss and moan about
his life and I don't care anymore.
Last
night I had the most fabulous dining experience with Olga.
We went to this tiny cafe in Beverly Hills and it was outside
and there were doggies and we talked about all the things
going on in our lives. She starts Law School next month
so I have to get in as much Olga time as I can.
She
is one of the best girlfriends I have ever had. She understands
the parts about giving and taking and she loves her body
and the attention she gets when we go out together.
She
was telling me about this insecure other chick she used
to hang out with and all she could ever talk about was
how hot they were and that shit got old.
I'm
seeing lots of lightening today. It streaks through my
vision in my left eye.
Crazy,
crazy, crazy...
I must
admit I feel a little bit like a teenager. I feel like
I live with my parents and I have this boyfriend that I
am not supposed to be seeing. I just lie in bed and thing
about all the feelings and sensations that have been so
lost to me lately.
Feeling
his body on top of me, buried deep inside of me. Thinking
about him the first time I went over there and how he was
howling to get in. I love that feeling when they want something
so bad and you just keep telling them no.
I lay
and wonder what it's like for a man sometimes. How it must
feel to finally meet someone that can handle his sexual
desires and needs. I love riding on his cock. It hits me
in all the right places. I let him go deep inside me and
he let out a deep moan. I think he was even hitting my
pelvis. The worst part is feeling empty afterwards.
I really
don't want to be here at work. I want to go in the bathroom
and jack off. I need to buy a new mini vibrator. I was
so horny last night for Balo... I love when he is inside
me when I start screaming out "Oh Balo" between the gasps
for God.
"Do
you feel guilty?" Olga asked me batting her eyelashes with
a serious look on her face.
"No...
not at all." I reply
"Then
it's over between you and your husband. Do you even love
him just a little bit?"
"Yes.
I still care."
"Then
perhaps it can be salvaged." she says with just a hint
of doubt.
"No
way."
I have
his photo here on my computer so that everytime I roll
over what is in the dock I see him smiling at me. I open
the photo and gaze at the intensity that is gazing at me
that moment when I took the photo.
I also
can't get over how much better my Russian is getting. One
of the problems Florent had when he got here was that he
only dated girls that spoke French. When he was with me
he had to learn English because I don't speak French.
Fucker
never taught me French either.
Let
it go... it's so not worth caring about.
I am
so hot just thinking about him now. I have never felt this
kind of attraction. I never thought I would meet someone
like him. I thought maybe it was just a childish fantasy
I made up in my head. To want this kind of guy... to be
a boss babe.
I love
that he has friends all over the world. There are so many
reasons he makes my pussy wet.
Wednesday
July 23, 2003
I have
an interview with Aflac today in Pasadena. Then I am going
to look at an apartment.
Heather
just called me. They are back from Chicago. I can't wait
to see her.
I have
been thinking about starting my new job and I think I am
going to tell them I can start in a month. What I would
ultimately like to do is take a week and go spend it with
Granny then take another week and go meet him in Moscow,
however I am all for giving the girls a week of my time
to help get them mints up and running.
Oh
vey!
It's
2 pm and I am done with work. I have finally organized
this down to a science where I am done with my calls by
noon. I have to look busy the rest of the day. I guess
if you pay shitty wages you get shitty workers. I made
5 power clubs today so I am in a great mood.
I think
I am going to get this job with AFLAC. I hope I do. I hope
it has a shit load of benefits and great pay. Janerrya
is my cheerleader.
I am
having my doubts about this whole affair thing. I know
I don't have to rush into making a major life change but
I do think that getting my own place would be a great start.
And the one thing I for certain know is that I can take
control of my own life once again and be who I always wanted
to be. Now I just need to get this book submitted.
Thursday
24, 2003
So
now I have to get my insurance licence and once I have
that I will be working for AFLAC. The money is oh so much
better but the work is going to be a lot more difficult.
If
I succeed which I am positive I will then I could possibly
make $1000 a day but I am going to have to hustle. I have
the perfect story to tell them too.
Friday
July 25, 2003
I didn't
go to work today. I decided I was not feeling so hot and I
took a sales call from home and signed up someone on PC. Fuckers.
I would like to see someone at work take credit for that one.
Richard
rolfed both Olga nad I today. I realized that I was not
going into great detail about what rolfing is.
I think
it's the greatest plesure on earth when someone is so in
tune with their body that they know how to manipulate yours.
Olga wanted to go hiking but changed her mind.
Buzzy
and I went to Target and I spent my gift certificates on
a new pair of black capris (now I can throw the old ones
away... I have been getting rid of shit like that lately).
I bouht this Aquafresh Extreme and I must say the lady
that was telling me how awesome it is was right.
So
I spent most of the day relaxing because tomorrow I have
to spend the day going to my insurance class. I knew that
I wouldn't have that much free time this weekend so yet
another reason why I should stay home. Mmmm... Ice Cream.
Buzzy
and I ate like fiends all day. She fed me organic veggibut
we started with Tito's Tacos. Lots of people are always
waiting to get their food at Tito's.
I sat
on the boat and my heart sunk in. It was so hard to be
there and to not feel him near me. He's blown me off. He
won't call me back. I understand he is too busy but even
a "hello" would be nice. Buzzy assured me that he would
call me again.
I am
all clean now with lots of cream on my face and getting
ready for bed. I have the bed to myself now. It's so nice.
I bleached,
plucked and cleaned all day. The bathroom finally looks
great.
Our
interview was June 25th. Yet another failure.
OK
I can't stay awake another minute.
Thursday
July 31, 2003
FUCK.
I have been so busy. Looking at apartments, getting my
book ready, freaking out about no money coming in at work.
I am not having a good time.
I was
recruited by Verio today. Base of 29 with no cap on sales.
I sent them back my resume and told them I have made my
company $24,400 in 3 months and with my experience selling
web hosting for Onestop that I was a perfect candidate.
So
that $850 apartment in Silverlake where I was all set up
except for the washer (once I discovered this I decided
it was not to my advantage to pay $850 a month for an apatment
when I have been spoiled at $700 for a house) and dryer
and once I discovered that I lost interest.
Then
I saw this cute little place in the Hollywood Hills for
$650. Something is telling me to stay put though because
if I get this job with Verio then I will be moving back
up North and what a relief that will be to be close to
San Francisco again.
I thought
about that Armenian bastard today. I thought about what
I would say to him because he has caused me a tremendous
amount of pain by not properly fucking me and it was nice
in a way to think so fondly of him fucking the living shit
out of me.
Buzzy
has a new lover. I tried to tell her that this one was
the one last year because he had a boat and was a gentleman.
I called her the other day and said "When you get your
legs out of the air give me a call." and she called me
back to tell me how humiliting it was because that's exactly
where her legs were.
Florent
is being the fucker he should have been a year ago. "You
get more and more beautiful each day since the day we met." "Baby,
you know I love you?" Things that just make me want to
gag and vomit.
Asif
told me there would be a single opening up in September
in Pasadena if I chose to live there.
I didn't
sleep at all last night. That fucker kept me up and I was
just a mean hateful bitch to him. "My heart is breaking."
"You
fucking deserve it."
"You
don't have to be so mean."
"I'm
honest and mean." I growl.
"Oh
there you are. Mean and Honest." Please shut up. Get me
out of this bed. Get me off of this train. Get me out of
this place. I have never wanted a job this bad in my life.
Please let them hire me. Please let them have benefits.
Please let me find a great place to live... oh wait...
I could stay with Kel and the girls. I would love that
really if I could do that.
I started
taking this SterEnzyme because it's suppose to kill Arachnoid
Cysts becasue it break the blood/brain barrier. I am not
holding my breath but I do notice that there is a lot more
relief now that this shit is pumping through my veins.
Maybe it's just the 2 vicodan I am taking at bed time now.
FUCK
I AM SO TIRED. I took my data from the last 3 months from
work and now I am going to use that to get business into
our hands.
