Wednesday January 1, 2003
That
was painful and exhilarating all at the same time.
Time
to grow up I guess. Granny told me today on the phone that
I shouldn't be married if I stay away from my husband and
come to Chicago to be with another man. I wanted to scream
at her to stop doing this shit to me. I know she sees what
is predictable and what she wants to see.
She did not think I needed to be on so many drugs. I hate it. I hate it. I
hate it. My God I am not perfect and I refuse to be. Zack asked me if I told her he was gay and I thought she remembered however I am sure right now she doesn't remember much.
It really made me feel like I was sucker punched. I shouldn't have called and told her everything but I did.
Last night was the fucking time of my life. We counted down the New Year at the Mac Mall. I was helping bartend in my new jewels and I was tipped. It would have been nice to have been tipped more but that didn't happen.
I heard someone out of the corner of my brain say I was the Belle
of the Ball even though I wasn't out dancing. Everyone appreciated
me getting their beers and a shit load of Vodka Cranberry.
Then came the New Years Kisses. They were so great!
Thursday January 2, 2003
Things have calmed down a bit. I have made cookies and such. Tyler made it out
here but he didn't tell me he was for sure coming so he didn't get to go to the
AMAZING party...
1.Steve, Nico & Ira 2.
Dorkess & Jeff 3. Midnight Kiss Zack & Jeff
4. Hot Midnight Lips 5. Ned (living in Guatemala) holdin my hand & Ira
Zack's Photos
So going back in time trying to figure any of it out. It's so much to sort
through. Susan and her love. Lots and lots of love. A shoulder to cry on, warmth and love. It was overwhelming.
Onto Granny's. It was wonderful until Christmas Eve. We spent a lot of time together and it didn't feel like enough. The night I got there it was just the girls. I crawled into bed and wailed like I did a couple of months ago when I was so sad.
After crying
and crying I decided that it was time to give everyone their Christmas because
it was just too sad an occasion not to share with the girls. I was on my best
behavior. I conserved a lot of energy so I wouldn't get so sick. I ate a
lot of Vicodan. Fell asleep from 12-2. I have spent a lot of time just thinking
about things. How lucky I have been and how happy I have been being out here.
I felt like a
freak when Anne took me to her friend's house. I felt like I had walked into
a Hallmark Christmas. Anne didn't have the time to shop for me or finish
creating something for me but there we were with her new replacement backball
player go U of L shiny sister with some great kissy bear and wal mart Shadow
Box of her shiny new sister's accomplishments.
The second Stephanie
got there I was ecstatic. "You are a sight for sore eyes" I told
her. She carried me off to her place. We drank Wine, ate cookies and talked
to her
new husband. Damn. Is that how it works? She talked to me bluntly. Everyone
has.
I peeled off
my jewelry. They were the first to see.
|
There
are other pearlies and gold but these are hands down the hottest pieces
I possess now. My Grandmother was not amused that I
was out having the time of my life but I can not be sad right now. If I
am going to be sad for someone I would be sad for me because I am having
brain surgery. However I know that there must be some kind of thing going
on because all of a sudden I am a woman. I feel a bit more responsible
than I did before though. It's like now that I have reached through my
princess like haze and grabbed onto something that I thought was unattainable.
I am still in a state of shock. I don't know what to think. I love all
the things going on in my life right now even though it seems to be so
hard. I still can't get over how Great Zack is. He has really changed
a lot and has a very healthy attitude. I love his man. I love his life
and what he has done. It's nice to be around successful people. |
I had pretty
much given up on a lot of things... things I thought I have lost or things
that have never been found. Like all of a sudden there is a new mystery there
for me to solve. Maybe going home to live wouldn't be such a bad idea after
all. Granny was upset that I was staying up here with Zack. I thought she
knew he was gay but who fucking knows.
Life is so
strange I tell ya. I think as long as you are open to having a good time,
a good life then maybe it's always been there and you have been just too
stupid to realize how good you really have it.
At the same
time I feel the itch. The itch and hope of having a better life. I don't
know if that's possible. It used to be inconceivable not so long ago. Now
Florent is going to be in San Francisco and technically I could leave him
if I wanted to. I wish Tyler wasn't no nuts. Things might be different.
Saturday
January 4, 2003
I had the most fantastic dream last night. I was in my dream house and not in my dream house. I was House sitting and then not house sitting. I was laying around Shari Lipscomb was in my dreams. She told me how it turned her on to think about getting it on with me and Florent.
I drank a lot of water. I couldn't quit. Then I was at my home, with the Jacuzzi in the back and tiered down into several patches of gardens almost like a lazy Susan.
My thoughts in arising were with Tyler once again. That and Logan's Run
because Zack had set aside many DVDs for me to watch and that was the last one I got to.
We watched Coupling last night and that is the funniest fucking show I have ever seen. I loved it so much. I have had such a dreamy time here you can't imagine. I can't imagine why I would settle for anything less than the way Zack treats me.
And I see all the little ways he adorns me with his gracious attention. Thinking all the time to myself, since my grandmother had the kindness to point it out to me, that I shouldn't be married. A woman staying with another man, even though it's her best GAY friend, shouldn't be married.
Tyler is coming over. I am so excited!!!
Sunday January 5, 2003
Last night was a real good time. We went by Colleen and Syndy's. It was Col's 40th birthday. It was awesome. We snuck in the basement so we could get our Sally going.
It was nice being around the Super friends. I guess they appropriately named themselves back in the day.
So I was taking the lint roller and rolling him down when I lost it... I lost some nerves in my hand and went up too far. That's one thing my disease does. From cycling through the nervous system and then when there is the interruption and it hits against that cyst and it runs through then the signal fades or gets lost so it tells my hand to quit or it makes me let go.... it's a very strange thing to think about the nervous system.
God I am going to miss being here with Zack and getting my B-Byes on. It's
kind of helped me melt these days away into an easier sense of life in knowing who I am and where I come from.
I must admit I am in awe of this man when I think about all the things he has accomplished in such a short amount of time. It's all about Quality and not Quantity although my god, I don't know anyone that is a better host, a better friend, a better anything. It would be nice to have his baby one day so that even if I weren't around I would know that the baby would be cared for in such a manner that it would have the best of everything and one day, as I hope she would be a girl, she could wear my ring and read about her mom and think that maybe she was a good 'ol tough broad that really loved living life and having moments in time where it seems everything else around you is a vacuum.
This whole trip has kind of felt like that, a total dream state living inside my real nightmare. Not feeling so trapped by a critically ill body. Vicodan and gaining an everyday appreciation for it's wonders. I can't even pretend to drive out here. I love driving but I think my driving days are over. I like sitting in my drug induced haze watching the lights shine by (dammit Zack, we didn't get that obxnious house whaaa!) all lit up in their Midwestern flavor.
I love it here. Tyler enjoyed himself he IMed me. My spine is starting to curve, my nerves are burning me up and the electricity inside my vision is pumping up a notch. I haven't been paying attention to the symptoms very much these days because I preferred to concentrate on spending a great time with my friends.
Zack let me sleep with him in his bed and it was SOOOOOOO comfortable. I know he needs a duvet. He needs a mat and if I find superstar things... I love the way he has decorated his shit.
* * *
So it's over. My nerves are on fire. I just took my pill.
I was thinking about the worst trips to make. I am convinced, by far, that the worst plane trip is the one going home because you always know what's going to happen there. You don't know what's going to happen out. There are so many possibilities while you are out but when you are in you are locked into the same attitudes, blah blah blah.
I had a decent last minute conversation with Granny. She was tickled that 3 people were saved from the sermon of Ed Waits. How she had had so many problems and other things that her and Poppa worked so hard to get.
I'm going to have to hop on this plane in a minute. I feel like I should charge my phone.
Tuesday January 7, 2003
I broke up with Florent yesterday. I told him it was over. He is not responsible and he didn't take anything I said seriously. He called today to see if I missed him and I told him no.
It's very nice to be here alone although I have these overwhelming sexual desires that are being unmet. I feel like I might go out by myself tonight.
I went shopping today at Shoe Pavilion and spent way too much money. I got the perfect little fuck me shoes... if you can call them shoes. They are the kind that are straps all the way. They are either black or Navy and then all my toes peek out except for my pinkie. It's so beautiful.
Wednesday January 8, 2003
The thoughts go in a cycle. It's like the way the blood runs through your veins. The cycle is blocked by the cyst so the thoughts don't transmit. You are standing at the sink about to put the cranberry juice on the top and the glass splashes everything around me. I lie here thinking about all the things that have been going on the last couple of weeks and the tears streaming down my face, my heart feels like a fresh carcass drug across the pavement that smells like oil and heat like the roads they make in Kentucky or the patches.
It comes in waves now. Watching Oprah, doing my resume, cleaning up photos and taking care of shit. I still didn't get my student loan shit all worked out. Thinking of Zack wild and crazy fun, telling me that people of privilege get more because they work for it deep in my carcass heart I feel that it's screaming wrong that some people (i.e. people like me) do not have to work for it.
My chest is hot from the day before. I have no clean clothes because Florent stole my car and I had to go to work that day. I put on the tank top that was clean with the straps I had to take up because my chest was too big. The straps dig into my shoulders causing me a tremendous amount of pain. It's summer or the beginning of it and we are living on the boat. Lonny walked by to go to the Jacuzzi the other day. I didn't even talk to him.
"I'm cutting out all the bad stuff in my life" I
tell Buzzy.
The heat from my breasts being sunburnt is nothing compared to the heat men let off when they get near them. Desire is a strong sense and since I am ill I attach my nervous system like a simbiant to whomever I am with because I no longer have the ability to feel things for myself.
Tears streaming down my face at watching the little girls that drank creek water and sat and suffered for days while her limbs rotted from the bacteria infesting her flesh. The agony she must have felt. The pure joy of being rescued.
The angry girl inside me looking at the bright and shiny cheery dresser. He always did get that bitch or which ever whore he was fucking at the time better Christmas presents than what he got his two little cunts. Keep them in their place. They aren't really human. Stephanie in the other room hearing my father embarrass the shit out of me. 15 years old and I can no longer take the shit he says to me. I scream back at him with the rage of a 15 year old brain damaged girl that was never diagnosed and always appears to be normal as my nervous system grew around my cyst and the communication cycles started to spin through the thoughts like weapons the 4th grade Ms. Skinner standing in the ugly stinky room with orange carpet talking about the functions of the brain and how the brain never shuts down and it always thinks and me just wishing it would stop thinking so much and going through these indefinite cycles and thoughts and feeling and emotions as my nerves slowly evolve into the form they are in. Going through puberty wanting sex but not wanting what my father did to those women. How they must have felt at his betrayal. Am I the same way because I can not keep my heart guarded or do I guard it so much that I use other people's defenses.
Me wish that I could just slow my brain down. Just make it stop for a while and take a break because all this thinking is slowly driving me mad. It was the cyst all along adding erratic moods and sensations from my family that was unstable. The patterns so enveloped into my mind that I must take some responsibility with what has happened in my marriage however still hearing the adult Stephanie telling me that I wouldn't go to another country and marry someone and take full advantage (basically) of them. Seeing her thin from being fat and hating it. Not believing her even when she told me. Experiencing what it must have bee nlike. Her looks similar to those of Jackie from that 70s show.
The spine tingling as I hunch over my computer. How much more is it going to degenerate? No one has the answer but me. Why did I wait so long when I knew that cunt was wrong? Why did I trust other people so much with my heart and soul? Why can't I break away from all the trappings in my head?
The heat from my own flesh is nothing compared to the energy coming from his hands. In one moment I know so much about a man. His fantasy is to go home and dream of titty fucking me. It's just about every man's dream. I don't understand how flat women can get so entranced by this however I still feel the power of knowing someone brushes up against you just to feel your chest. 28... 29 I lost the count of the laps today. Out in the sun the weather so perfect. Ed telling me how he doesn't let his family know where he lives because he's done raising his kids. What a prick. I start telling him how I have a father like that and I will no longer turn to him. He started all this madness by his abuse and cruelty. Which makes me feel
for Florent because perhaps he is just a reflection of me however I am
beginning to suspect that he's not at all what he wants me to see and I
wonder to myself "no more butterfly" "NO" I
tell him. I can't believe I let him...
I thought I could find a man that would have enough balls to kill me if the pain was too bad or if I couldn't GOD FORBID kill myself. At least that is always the option out there for people and that maybe I have been around so many people, Cathy Causey, Rita, Tanya, who have had other loved ones that took their own lives and maybe they never got to hear it from the other person's point of view of how much life hurt them to live. Life is for the living and if you can not participate then why should someone ESPECIALLY WITH MY DISEASE BE FORCED TO LIVE IN A FUCKED UP WORLD WHERE THERE IS NO CURE OR TREATMENT FOR HAVING YOUR GOD DAMN SPINAL CORD ROTTING BENEATH YOU. If I want to kill myself that is always and option and maybe all this is is my suicide not to the world because it hurts too fucking much.
You can't imagine the
pain you are in when you have an arachnoid cyst. I had a lady tell me that
she suffered from migraines as I served her popcorn while I was working at
the movie theater after my first surgery and I said to her "I WISH I had a migraine" I
wish I had cancer. At least those fuckers get some kind of solace in knowing
that their lives are going one way or the other. For people like us it's
like the worst shit you can imagine. But still I choose life because I don't
want to be dead. I want to go to Rio. I hallucinated not long ago I was going
into the light and I felt it. I came out of it because I know there are still
many things left to do but I am tired and I ask Leslie if she wishes she
would die each time they cut her head open and she replies that she just
wishes she would never wake up again. One more year and she is going to kill
herself. I can't stop her. Only talk to her about it.
I'm so scared and there is nothing ANYBODY can do about it. Not all the love or the hate or the anger or the pain... Nothing. It's a vicious cycle. It's 2 am and I forgot to take my elavil that causes Parkinson's like tremors when mixed with Vicodan and if I don't wake up tomorrow morning early then I have to sit and wait forever to be seen by the people that are going to give me free health insurance.
My life is falling apart but I don't know if I really had much of a life to begin with. I certainly never did anything that was particularly sane and I always tried to put myself in Harm's Way only nothing ever happened. Nothing bad ever happened to me except for the shit my father used to do to me. Nothing seems so terrible in my life except for the stupid fucked up values he has learned from generations of failures for fathers.
Snot and pain. Snot and pain. Just how you want to imagine a superstar. I saw that Eric dude from Celebrity Mole. I was going to build his mother's web site but she was a little too freaky about it all. I should call her up after I am better.
Anger with Jen, Tanya and Jacinta for being such fuck wads. I can't believe I trusted you with my life. What a total waste of time that was. Let's not forget Melissa and Lisa Stotts, my white trash sister in law. You all totally fucking suck. Wastes of sperm and film. I can't believe I wasted my talent on stupid cunts when I should have known they would stab me in the back only like a bitch in heat can.
#1 Rule choose your friends more wisely. I think I have figured out at this point who my life long friends are (my life or theirs?). I can make a couple of friends here and there but from now on I know who I can trust.
It was Tyler's heat I could feel that day wearing the tank top and training Joe. He had such a strong male presence and I felt it wash over my body and wake me up the way you childishly listen to a private piano concert in the middle of the day as you guiltily walk by someone's house on the streets of San Francisco.
The pills popped. Drugs, the choice of a real Generation. Those fuckers are going to run this country into the ground. Look at what they already do to poor people and the elderly. We will give you just the perfect taste of life so as you slip into dementia all your experience will flow into one another so you can no longer distinguish words or phrases. Your fingertips hurt, bitch. Time for bed.
No no no... I am just getting started. Supraseller... it's that kind of cyst, Sue. She's the one that really knows how to talk to me because she has ADD. I can listen to those kinds of people because the gaps in their sentences are what my brain damaged mind cling to. Taking the glass and dropping it. That's not the first time you klutzy bitch. Leslie will be 39. She is older than me but I was diagnosed sooner than she. I can't imagine what a joy it must be to drop everything. Maybe it gives a better slant on the whole drop everything cliche.
Nipples harden at the thought of him touching me. Is it fair to have a fantasy of me when I am not involved? Don't I have my own fantasies? Why should I keep them to myself? I have a (ha ha ha) less than one % chance of never waking up. Cocky son of a bitch. If he were to fuck me up would it matter? Should I pull him close to my body and ask if he is a serial killer and if so would he please slice open on the the vital parts of my brain so I can close my eyes and die
Thinking back to Stastic and that day we went to the Outlet Malls and I had the nightmare of him being like that. Dr. Death. Would Jack Kevorkian take my life into his hands? I used to dream of him back when he was famous. Will there be someone like that for me? Why do I have to live just to appease your ego? Is everything so great? Is that's what life is all about or just party on. I fixed some web pages today. Did some things here and there.
He chose the life of regret. Some people prefer the certainty of their misery. I have no respect for that. I will never be with another man that doesn't go after exactly what he wants and does not have projects accomplished.
The water flows around my body. The only position I am sublimely comfortable in is floating in the pool. He would not come out to the pool to play with me. To learn how to hold me as I slowly lose it all. Being fat was a joy for me because I knew as long as I was fat, I was healthy. I can not keep the weight anymore. Like a childish fantasy or imaginary friend it has to go and as mother said I will have to beat them off with a stick but I don't know if I am strong enough for that because I do not want a shallow man that is totally into what I look like because if I want to have the 20-70 pound span that's my right.
My body floats around me. I wonder what my mother would say. I told Buzzy today coming out of the Jacuzzi that I felt like I was coming from the baths in Rome. It was a glorious civilization once. My ancestors helped build it. It was based on democracy but Corporations took it over and that was the end of that.
My ears are burning now
and so is my scalp. It's a smoldering. You can smell my flesh burn with
it's own desire. Please let me die. Don't let me suffer like this any longer. "Pappa. I just want to be with you." I say as the tear drop falls from my cheek on to his cold flesh. :Wake up WAKE UP WAKE Up. I type these words like I know so religiously in case I go blind I can close my eyes and keep on writing even though I won't be able to read. The words will be able to fall from my fingertips. He looked like he was going to sit up. I placed my hand on his belly and felt the movements underneath. The gurgling and softness that indicated life underneath. The narcotics pumping through my veins as a very excited Nate says "Aunt
Cathy, why are you here?"
The torture of being
at another funeral, our third, together and him looking up at me telling
me "He used to be so good to me. He would always collect cans so that I could have the money." Reverberations
back to when momma died and he told me how she always used to take him to
yard sales. My heart breaks every little bit more but I hold his hand close
to my own trying to understand all this mess myself.
Spine tingling. There's an expression you never want to experience. Sympathy and Tea. That's what I got. Snot, swollen eyes, an apartment to myself and a life just waiting to be rebuilt.
Monday January 13, 2003
I will have brain surgery next Tuesday. I will be admitted to the hospital on Monday. I don't understand why I have to come in one extra day. What a total pain in the ass.
Then I have an appointment with the SSI people by telephone on Thursday the 6th. I fucking love Ical. I have my to do list right here. I have to fax some info up to Florent. I suppose I could fly up there but I have my own shit to worry about.
I don't guess anyone really wants to be around me. Buzzy said she would take me there but I sure don't want to be by myself the whole time and it looks like I am going to get SSI. Mr. Lam told me to fill out the questionarre before they called so I have the answers in front of me.
I need to get all the shit settled with my student loans and I would like to file for bankruptcy. I think that can wait until after I have surgery. I am going to give power of attorney to Florent for a couple of days so that they know he is in charge of my life right now. I have to trust someone and you aren't here to protect me, are you?
Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.
Please dear god... let this work. I was thinking about that the other day
and how I feel god is different than what they feel "him" to be. What if
worshiping the catholic church or any other religion for that matter was
worshiping false idols? Then that kind of blows the premise of worship off
the wall.
I am getting my body ready for the fight. Lots of lotion. Lots of organic foods and vitamins. And I re-did arachnoidcyst.org.
I have the feeling I am going to travel a shit load when I am feeling better.
Dr. Kelly kind of pissed me off a bit today. He tried to tell me that the arachnoid membrane does not sit against the root of the nervous system. He finally broke down and asked me who my previous doctor was and I told him Herbert Englehard of UIC in Chicago. It's easy to do a google search on him. I was not happy with what he said but I know he brings results or he wouldn't be so highly acclaimed nor would he be working for the #1 neurosurgery department in the world.
Wednesday January 15, 2003
OK... now I am starting to get nervous and scared.
I went to Victoria's Secret and spent some of my welfare check on some silk pajamas so I don't have to wear those nasty hospital ones. They were on sale for $24 and they were $95. I was tickled to death. I also got some bras in hopes that once this ordeal is over I can wear a bra again without hurting my shoulders.
I'm starting to miss Florent. My family won't come out here. Buzzy and Rita are there for me and I know that's more than I should expect or even hope for but it would be nice if he were there.
The INS has totally fucked his paperwork up. I don't even care anymore. I don't want to stay here once everything falls apart. I want to travel. I finally qualify for SSI. I just hope that my spine hasn't rotted so much that I can't hold my body up once the cyst is gone.
All new kinds of crazy fears and frights are seeping into my brain. It wasn't so bad the last night but I was just a cocky 18 year old bitch that laughed about it all. I suppose I am still that cocky bitch however this time I don't think it's funny.
Tickets to Amsterdam are $299 for the weekend. I would love to go and smoke my fucking brains out but Buzzy told me I needed to center myself before I have this surgery.
I am using iCal to do all my appointments and check off everything I need to do before I go under. I don't think dealing with my student loans is a high pri. Printing up my book and getting it off for publication however is a high pri.
Today I have to get some new pillows and give my own blood and take Buzzy with me to Washington Mutual so that her name is on the bank box so if I die someone has access to my jewels. I want her to have the Buddha if I die. Anne gets the ring.
I should make my will out, a DNR order as well as let them know I am an organ donor. I can't imagine what it will be like to be about 55 and look back on what it was like when I was 30 having brain surgery.
All my hormone levels
were "normal" except for Cortisol. I am low on the "stress hormone". I think this can account for the reason I can deal with so many stressful situations and not get all wacky.
* * *
Pant* Pant* Pant.
I hear ya knocking but
you can't come in.
Nausea. I want my mommy.
I want to die. I want to be with her so bad. I want to breathe her, touch
her feel her warmth but I have my Buzzy instead.
I feel so bad. I am in
so much pain. "You look great" my skin burns like it was sunburnt
on the inside. The lightening and electric fish are outstanding.
Does
a tulip cease being a tulip once the shock of life has gone away? The
petals of love and vibrancy that we so easily take for granted...
My belly is full. I ate
yogurt, cabbage and corn bread and now I feel like resting. I do that a
lot lately. The burn touches my bones and the weight of my body heaves over
the burning bones.
I am exhausted from my
day. Buzzy has the bank box. Florent told her today that he was trying to
drive me crazy.
Monday
January 13, 2003
Today was a horribly busy day. I had to run Rita to a ton of appointments and wait for fucking ever. I know she has done the same for me but I dont' sleep well at night and she expects me to wake up at fucking 8 am to take her to a 10:30 appointment when it's only 15 minutes away so we show up on time.
I met this man cleaning out his Jag the other day. He reminded me of my father. I haven't seen anyone that persnikity in forever. I had to stop and ask him if he treated a woman as well as he treated his car.
"Excuse me do I know
you?"
Tears coming to my eyes. "No."
"Bitch bitch bitch." I
quit listening.
He came up to me yesterday while I was running Buzzy to the bank and started yapping.
"How are you doing?"
"I'm having brain surgery
on Tuesday. How do you think I am doing?"
"I could tell something was up when you came up to me the other day and I wanted to apologize. You seemed a bit rattled. You just need to stay focused. I was paralyzed from an accident 2 years ago in November. Mind over matter." Something
to that effect. Momma used to say that to me. I don't think there are that
many people that don't understand that as much as me.
But what if God wants me back? Did ya ever think of that? Those that know me know me well. I can not touch a person I meet with who I am. That's just obvious from who I am. Momma always told me to be myself. What if it's time for me to go anyway? I will give into it this time. Not over a fucking gall bladder but if it's time for me I am ready. I can't say I haven't done everything I have ever wanted. I have had a shit load more of life than some people get to live in 20 life times.
And I always had a fucking blast. How could I not? Maybe I can do this alone. Buzzy is taking me to the hospital and she will help take care of me at first. I wonder how much I will forget. I hope I forget all the resentment and anger I have inside.
Is this one of those times I get on my fucking hands and knees and beg for my life to keep moving? It's very hard to deal with hearing how other people feel their pains from this disease. Maybe I can still make a difference there.
I don't think I could hold a baby. Maybe I will have to help out other people and that's it. Maybe...
"When do you remember
being small?"
I stop and my heart skips a beat. Do I remember what it was like to feel my mother's heart beat against my ear as I was forming. Hearing her voice lilt as she taught. Remember the time a window broke and her leg was cut and she freaked out about me and hoping I would be Ok.
Falling asleep outside when momma forgot she had had me and I was sleeping in my stroller across the street in the June sunshine. She wasn't used to me yet. I wasn't used to being alive then I don't think. In the womb there was no pain. Being born is a bitch. It hurts a lot as you feel yourself make the passage into this world. I can't imagine that ever feeling good.
I remember making macaroni and cheese.
Lifting up my skirt for the Bumpases. Being Cathy Clay Streaker.
My 10th birthday when my dad was my hero for the first and last time of my life.
Not being able to watch Women's basketball on TV.
2 fucking hours sitting there smoking a doobie and scrubbing the fucking car clean. Not getting the trunk. The fucking glass shiny. New Windex Wipes that I can use on the glass.
Listening to the Hummingbirds as they dance around. Thinking of my spy novel.
Monday
January 13, 2003
Can someone
tell me why Dreamweaver FUCKS EVERYTHING UP?
I have been
busting my ass all week to get shit done. I printed up Volume I of Dear demented diary. 1997-1998. 801 pages. That should make good for Volume one.
I either have to give it to Marshall and have him represent me as his agent.
I have just figured out part of my problem with my friends. For instance
last night I told Buzzy I had to run some errands. AKA go get some weed. It
was 5 something and she told me to run them. I went to go get the weed all
the way up in the Valley. There was traffic and I knew against my better judgment
to go but I was already on the 405.
I missed my appointment with Marina and Buzzy. Buzzy had told me earlier
that Marina hadn't talked to her so I thought she blew us off. I figured once
I didn't get there by 7:30 I would call so I called her.
Well, I guess that's life. I can't seem to please anyone or do anything the
way I should. I make a lot of mistakes. I am only human. Sorry that getting
weed was more important to me and that I hurt all the feelings of those involved.
I think if you were in these circumstances you would want weed too.
I fucked up. I had two voices one telling me to run my errands and the other
saying I could get that later.
801 pages. I guess that's about a 400 page novel. I can cut some of it out
too.
I need to take it to Kinko's and have it photographed.
There you go... another mistake. Copied. It's so big.
My nails are bitten down a bit. My first fingernail is tattered from me peeling
back the first layer with my teeth. Not a very become thing. My nephew Nate
bites his nails too. Lesli doesn't. I don't think his dad does either. Mom
used to do it. Maybe that's where I picked that up from.
Moron is going to be here at 4. He had to wait 9 hours to take the bus. He
thought since there was a bus leaving each hour to San Francisco that it would
be the same for him to get to LA.
Buzzy is pissed at me. I am going to go get her an orchid since hers have
died. I was really bummed to see that they had disappeared.
I have the coolest selection of music now.
Listening to Russian pop and old rock. I feel such a sense of accomplishment out of getting all that shit together. Now I have a lot of other BS I have
to take care of. Like writing the Hook Overview and the overview.
I am exhausted. I feel like I have just given birth. I can't wait to have this fucking surgery over and done with.
* * *
I picked Florent up at the McDonalds near the Mac place on Wilshire. We stopped for Drinks at this wonderful place in Santa Monica on Main and it was so fucking cheap. We walked around and there were photos of Arnie all around. I was amused.
He asked me what to do with all my stuff as we sat by the fireside. I told him what I wanted. Then I sent an e-mail to Marshall. Now I just want to smoke a little more and then fall asleep.
Monday January 20, 2003
They canceled my surgery.
I don't even know how to fucking feel about this right now. I am so pissed and angry. I shouldn't have said it was going to happen for sure. I can't believe they let me think for the whole weekend this was it.
Deep in the back of my head I am hoping I will get the SSI and Medi-Cal so that I can go to Cedars. We will see.
Fuck what a drain.
"Everyone has a body reaction."
"I am going to ask you
questions and you don't give a response."
"These are yes or no
questions. Do not answer but notice what moves in your body."
"Is your name Eric?
Would you like a hot fudge sundae?
Would you like to go to the museum?
Would you like to be married?
Would you like to be divorced?
Would you like to go to San Francisco?
Would you like to take that job in San Francisco?"
"Any time you are hesitant check with your body to see if you would like to be doing what you are doing?" Rita
continues. She used to make $180 an hour doing this.
"Some questions didn't make any sense so my body didn't react. " Florent
responded.
When she asked me the questions I noticed that my shoulders would open or close.
Anytime you want to make a decision pay attention to how your body responds and how you reacted to the questions. I think they can be any questions but you can use this tool for the rest of your life.
It came up because I asked Rita if I should tell them on my job interview (naturally my dream job) if I have a brain tumor. Many things are coming up for me. I am studying what happens to you when you have low Cortisol. If it's related to sex drive because I really don't have one.
She asked me different questions. Would I like to be married? Would I like to be divorced? My body just reacting with confusion to both questions. I live here. Things are different and in my confusion lies the answer. I want to work for VPI but I am not sure if telling them having a brain tumor is the best idea. It's an hour away. They do web hosting and are hiring a web designer with some flash. I would like to be on the road to recovery before I take on any big projects like Flash and learning PHP because I am clogged in my ability to learn a new broad subject.
So wow. I love Rita. She is a very healing energy force in my life.
I think there might be a problem. I am very upset that Florent pissed $800 gambling and not only that... it's a debt. He's in a tissy to get a job so that he can pay it back so that's a good thing. Maybe this was the kick in the ass he needed to get a fucking job.
I don't know if I want a divorce but after he told me that I was in shock. And then I get angry with Marshall for fronting him the money. And then I start to wonder if there aren't motivating factors that lead him to make this decision as well.
Rita told me he was waiting for me to be his wife. Florent told me that he wouldn't be surprised if Marshall didn't make the move on me if I spent more time with him and Josh.
I don't think I want to deal with that right now so I will put it all aside.
You have no idea what an accomplishment it was that I printed up my first Volume. I am ecstatic.
OK. The ecstasy is gone. Now dealing with reality. I am going to have to spend some time in the library tonight. Writing the book is the easy part, apparently.
Friday
January 24, 2003
I lie back and stare at the stars which are so differently places in the sky from back when I was floating in the pool in Kentucky.
I don't think there is any other way to think of things... talking to Dennis in the pool and telling him all the shit going on in my life. What a cool man. I really enjoyed his company. He admired me for my strength but it's not like I know any other way to be.
He said something that rang true. About how his father never got to enjoy life so he is doing his best to do so.
I think I saw a million people today in their cars. Driving to Laguna hills for an interview. Burning in my skin. Not paying attention, getting lost and having to drive 20 miles back. 2 hours. I loved it but my skin was burning.
My kidneys hurt. They have for several months and at first I thought it was from the harsh meds but now I know it's form the low Cortisol levels.
I wish I were dead. I can't take this shit anymore. I keep thinking about dying all the time. Rita has Final Exit and I am reading it and crying as he kills his wife from cancer.
I don't want it to get worse. I am going to check myself into the hospital on Monday morning I made the decision. They can lock me in the looney bin, I don't care at this point.
I have on my $15 nightgown from Victoria's secret. A medium at that. I knew once I started losing weight... that I would no longer be healthy. Florent slowly undid the ribbon. I thought it couldn't be undone. Then he un did the buttons with elastic. I didn't know they came undone and then all of a sudden I realized the importance of making a good nightgown.
He freed my breast from the lace, and the feeling on him fondling my breast was so sensual. I loved the feeling of his small hand on my mam. He gently took his finger and finally listened to the way I wanted him to touch me. He reached inside my vagina and moved his fingers inside me like a puppeteer. My body moved with him like it could no other.
I guess this love thing is more powerful then anyone could ever say. I wish I could turn my emotions off as so many people seem to do. Rita told me it was a choice not to see dirt or smell bad smells. I don't believe that because of where my cyst sits. I can't help but smell horrible smells.
Sunday
January 26, 2003
I was feeling like shit yesterday. I was all weepy and sad. Chris and Jen told me they would be coming by so Jen shows up and brings Josh H. with her. We drive down the coast to Malibu and chill at some place that had Fish and Chips and Thai food. We all loved it. It was so good. We saw some chick giving head to some dude in a convertible Mercedes and when she noticed we were all watching her she put her head further into his lap.
I knew he would let me get over once she started freaking out that some one saw her giving head.
We came back and went by the liqueur store and got some rum and I wish I could remember the name of the drinks they made. But it was a power boat weekender with the biggest cups we could find. Mint, Lemonade and Rum. Yum.
I told Marshall and Josh to come by because we were going to grill out. I had bought a chicken the other day and we still hadn't cooked it up and Jen asked me on the way back from Malibu if I had Ginger, brown sugar, soy sauce, and a green onion. We had everything but the green onion. So we went by Ralph's and got a green onion and then Josh wanted a portebella Mushroom.
Jen remarked how this was the first time that Josh wasn't going to be stuck making the food as we were getting everything prepped in the Kitchen. She was also please with how I could filet the chicken because it was a whole one.
Then we all sat out in the Jacuzzi and Rita was so awesome. She waited until Josh and Marshall showed up and then came out to the Jacuzzi. They did not get in the Jacuzzi. Josh H. and Josh and Marshall tended to the grill. Such Manly men. Everyone enjoyed everyone's company which was the best thing in the world. Chris ended up showing up after while and it was a really great fucking party.
I was running to get back in the Jacuzzi to warm up and then Lonny and Marina showed up and we kissed and made up. Lonny said, "I'm not mad at you, girl, I'm mad at Florent!"
I was like... "stand in line" because the ass kicking line starts in Kentucky. I shore didn't miss him last night. I finally started to feel like a woman. Josh H. made me feel that way because I made some off handed remark about him not wanting to be around me and he was like "He's crazy."
A *TOTAL FUCKING BLAST*. I might not have a lot of things going for me right now but I must admit I have got some really great fucking friends and I know a lot of great fucking people.
Chris is a CMT so he started working on me last night taking his elbow into my shoulder muscles until it hit my bone. I showed him what to feel for and how to work the muscles. I don't think there are that many people that can handle that level of massage.
It first started with a foot massage. Everyone else had gone except Josh H., Jen and Chris. Virginia even stopped in for a bit. I had to get Josh H. to hold me up from behind because I was in pure ecstasy. My body was limp, my eyes rolled back in my head, and I felt like pure energy. I just let myself run through the cycles. The pot helped and so did the Power boat weekender. The mushrooms were to die for. The chicken was settled in and I was a light being. I felt so incredible loved and cared for. My senses melted.
I told Jen I could feel her when she got here. I walked outside before I got the call and still didn't see her. She didn't recognize me since I dyed my hair. I love it when I see her because she always gives me lots of kisses. She called and when I couldn't find her I came back in and Rita told me Jen had just called so I started walking around outside and we found one another.
Marina also said something interested in that all the things we had talked about before she left for Hawaii were true and that I had called a lot of things. I told her that she was one of my strongest female friends and I admired her a great deal and she couldn't believe it because she didn't think I knew her that well.
I told her that I look at people multi-dimensionally. I explained to her that when you look at a tree you know what it looks like right now. You can imagine what it will look like in the future and you know what it looked like when it was young. You put all these images together in your head and there you have what you are looking at today. You might not really ever know any person either. That was always one of my biggest things. You can live with someone for years and never really know them.
* * *
Marshall asked me if I was going to be a porn star.
If I were to do that I would tally do it under my own line. Do my own web site, do my own DVD sales.
I also told him I would only do them with my husband.
Then Josh asked me if I ever made a porn movie and I said no. Then I remembered that high 8 with only James' cock going in and out of me and then I said "Well... maybe one but I own it."
We went to church this morning at St. Monica's. I don't know why I love that church so much but for some reason I am always drawn to it. Then we went to the Farmer's Market in Venice and sat around and watched them do a form of Brazilian martial arts. Virginia was there, just so happens, so we sat and watched them for a while. It was entertaining.
We got back home and Rita booked it outside to get a hopeful glimpse of one of her boyfriends. I went and swam laps in the pool.
I feel much better prepared to have surgery now. I am going to go to the emergency room and hope for the best. All these fucked up crazy thoughts went through my mind yesterday about why they didn't do the surgery. I think it's because my ORSA ran out but I am not sure. I don't know about anything these days.
I miss Florent but... life goes on.
Wednesday January 29, 2003
"I got 3 calls from the Clays today but it was yesterday."
"No, Granny, it's today. Let me look it up."
I flipped back and I was right. I knew I was right since I had just printed up my diary. I thought it was 6 years but it's only been 5. I couldn't be in Kentucky so instead I went to Marylin Monroe's grave today and left her a 10 piece kopek from Russia. I don't think MM was ever there. The smell of rotting bodies was almost too much to bear. I saw Walter Mattheau's plot as well.
It's been 5 years since momma died. 5 of the longest and hardes years of my life. Feeling like a drifter. Not having a home to place my heart. All the years I spent wandering back and forth from her home to his house. It all seems like a faded dream of a life that can't possibly belong to me.
I put an ad up on craigslist for photos. I swear some people are total fucking morons. It happens I guess.
I am entertaining the idea of being a whore. Making some money at the Bunny Ranch. Girls go there for a couple of months in the summer or what have you and come out with a fist full of dollars. If you build up a clientiel and are popular then you get even more. I don't know if I could ever do it for real but it's nice to fantasize that I could maybe be a whore for a while and get my shit back up and running. I spend a lot of time on my back anyway.
I ran around a lot today. I met Richard Wheeler. What a cool fucking guy. Quite possibly the most intersting man I have met since Lonny. What a creative genius. His creations are the kinds of things Star Wars and video games were made of.
He was something else. He's not dating anyone. He's a pices like my dad and Buzzy. I think to myself that they might be happy together but then again I don't ever want to play match maker again.
Part of me just wants to buckle down and work my ass off but then again when I think about doing something I don't want to do then I just want to vomit. Fist full of dollars don't come easy. Please I have no fucking clue if this surgery is going to help me a little or a whole fucking lot. If it help me a lot and gives me like 15 more good years then I want to run as fast as I can but I know when I wake up I will be busted.
Curt ICQed me yesterday so there are signs of life rolling around in his head. That gives me faith there is some kind of medical care out there. He told me they took the old fat out of his head. Mare wrote me and told me this awful shit.
I am mentally and physically exhausted from yesterdays events. Now my back, hips and shouders are REALLY KILLING ME and I have a bad headache. The angio itself took two hours and the room was freezing cold. Laying on that metal table was horrible - it made me so much stiffer, the bursts of hot and tingling die and the flashes of light; yes it was much worse than I imagined. Roadmap on, Roadmap off; Hold still, don't move, don't breath, don't swallow. After they brought me into recovery, the nurse asked if I received sedation.
The answer was "no she was very calm so we didn't think she needed it."Funny, during the procedure I was laying there thinking to myself "what the fuck kind of sedation did they give me cause I don't feel any."I really thought that I would go to work today but I feel like major shit. The radiologist told me that based on what he was able to see so far that there did not appear to be any vascular deformations causing the pulsing sound; but that he would take a closer look and I should be hearing from the Neurosurgeon shortly about the results.
