Saturday
April 1, 2000
I didn't
think I could do it... all that time, preparation, with all
this moving. We bought a house and decided to make the plunge.
I found my dress in 15 minutes. One of the judges Kevin works
with did the ceremony and
Greg snapped the shots.
It was
a small wedding. Anne is being a cunt as usual so we didn't
bother to invite her and my grandfather walked me down the aisle.
Kevin's friend were a hooting and a hollering and I knew it
was just because they wanted to look up my dress.
HA HA...
fooled you!
Actually
the greatest joke I ever told was when I looked at Kevin as
we were going to sleep as I had already moved my bed and I said
to him "Kevin, I have a confession to make. I have been sleeping
with one of your friends."
"What?"
He said half-laughing and half-serious.
"I have
been sleeping with one of your friends. Do you want to know
who it was? Well... do you?"
I could
tell he was starting to get a little sad "His name is APRIL
FOOL'S! "
He did
not laugh as much as I did.
Sunday
April 2, 2000
I went
to a party last Saturday night
I didn't get laid
I got in a fight
Uh-huh... it ain't no big thang...
Let's hear
it for white trash culture... yeah baby, YEAH! I got the fuck
out of Dodge and not a minute too soon. It seems that the new
neighbors living next to were the people that put the white
into white trash.
Thieves,
hoolgens, basically the kind of people you would want on your
side if you were even in a fight but disavow any knowledge of
their existence otherwise. 17, mom letting him drink a beer
even though he is a high school drop-out. "I don't care to tell
you this, but my daughter was out selling herself for drugs
and her boyfriend got up in her customer's face and threatened
to kill them."
That's
the way uh-huh-uh-huh I like it uh-huh-uh-huh... Move over Jerry,
now there's something meatier!
As we
were finishing up Andy told me there was a party to go to at
another Kevin's. I was a little leery because the last time
I went over there I had the hots for Sasha and for some reason
Kevin had the hots for me and was trying to tell me he was Andy's
boss and if I didn't sleep with him... I wanted to barf because
I am not *that* kind of slut. I do have my standards.
I finished
whatever I was drinking and left never really having a desire
to see him again although after the last couple of days, I did
need some social interaction. I used my Russian and that was
nice. I always love to use that. I met more Russians there then
I had in a long time. Sasha's brother made me giggle. I was
surprised to find that he was in Ky. longer then 7 years and
we hadn't met because I know a lot of Russians here.
Anyway...
I find these days that I am in a horrid state of affairs. I
can't get my mojo working properly. I find it difficult to be
even slightly aroused by much of anything. I think I am taking
this break up rather hard especially since Kevin actually made
somewhat of an attempt to be better the past couple of weeks.
"Yeah...
when I had my first felony trial the judge asked me if I had
any theatrical training!"
"Did you
tell him you save it all for the court room?"
Ouch...
that hurt him just a little. I didn't care, I was not in the
mood to placate his ego any longer and I can say I was a wee
bit hurt about this whole thing. Actually it was more then a
wee bit.
I saw
Elena last night. We hadn't seen each other in such a long time.
It was nice and she was so sweet and she went to get me drinks
and she asked me if I needed anything. She was a delight although
I don't want to hear about some of her problems.
Does that
make me a bitch?
Too
fucked up to care anymore... If you haven't rushed out to
get the NIN CD you should even if you thought they were too
heavy. This new CD is light.
Anyways...
I am all moved out and not a day too soon. The thought of living
next to those people disturbed me, and it bothers me that Kevin
is still there. I hope he moves soon. But... I can't concern
myself with his problems like I am so apt to do. Sometimes being
a Southern woman really sucks.
Monday
April 3, 2000
I don't
talk much about my readers unless they make a big impression
on me, and you all know who you are.
Today
I would like to send my condolences to me mate, Peter. His father
passed away from a valiant battle with brain cancer for the
past 4 months. These things are never easy and they always suck,
especially when you have the luxury of watching someone you
love so much slip into someone you would never recognize.
There
is another person that found me... Amy... a couple of weeks
ago she celebrated her mother's first year. She wrote me snippets
of what the day was like, people in the house, she was kind
of numb and wasn't that fucked up. When I got off line, I sat
and cried because I missed my mommy.
I can
talk about some things with the straightest face, and I won't
necessarily feel them for myself, but when someone else talks
about it... it touches that part of me that I don't allow myself
to feel that often.
Tuesday
April 4, 2000
I miss
Kevin. I miss him talking, when I could get him to talk, about
interesting things going on at the office. He took me out to
dinner and it was really a nice time. He only drank a coke and
I can't tell you how happy that made me.
I had
a rib-eye and he started bitching about how expensive I was
when I wasn't footing the bill. There is just once a month that
I can allow myself the luxury of eating a big juicy steak and
that is when I am deficient in essential vitamins and minerals.
Used to
be my buddy the yeast infection would let me know when my monthly
notice was here... it's early this time...
I have
been having strange dreams lately and I hope they continue later
tonight.
I also
got a few more requests for resumes here.
Geoff
quit writing in his journal... he just went through and deleted
it all, which made me cry. He said it wasn't turning out the
way he wanted... I know there are times in my life where I am
not so proud of myself and I have said or done fucked up things
but I can't imagine after putting so much time and effort into
something that he just took it away.
But it
was his journal...
I have
thought about it every once in a while... stopping that is because
I was afraid of what might or might not happen and then I just
decided to write a different way that wasn't always painful,
but in a way I think you can tell I am not having one of the
happiest times of my life.
But I
know it will get better, I just have to work on it a bit. So...
I am almost done with ta da da da daaaaaa Beat
'Em At Their Own Game!!!!
Yeah...
whoo-hoo Cathy! Great job. You finest web site yet. (thanks
for telling me to scale it down Zack.) It is a very simple web
design, but at the same time uniquely complex! There are a few
little tweaks that need to be done but other then that I am
very happy with it... unless you look at it on Linux with your
screen colors at 16 bits.
Thursday
April 6, 2000
God Damn...
time flies.
I went
hiking with Matt and Susan yesterday at Jefferson Memorial Forest
and it took us 3 hours. Or I should say me. I had to sit down
a few times to catch my breath... and I almost fell in the gorge
twice. Susan and I went over this one rock and I was scared
I was going to fall down, but then again I am dreadfully afraid
of heights.
I picked
Lesli some wild flowers halfway through. Naturally they didn't
make it. I went to Kevin's after picking up some provisions
for the night and dropping Susan off at home. I had to pick
up some painting supplies Lesli had lent me way back when. He
was preparing for a trial so I left.
I showed
up to Lesli's rather late... forgetting this was Spring Break
and the boys were still awake and as always, very happy to see
me. I love to hear Noah squeal and say "look Caffy..." at whatever
is captivating his interest. last night he and Nate played with
Pokeman cards.
I stayed
up just me and my sister since I don't know when.
"Did you
know that when you get pregnant you get little bumps on your
nipples? They appear to keep your nipples moisturize. When I
was with my Russian lover he asked me if I had ever been pregnant
and I told him no..."
It was
very nice. I didn't wake up until noon today, coughing and hacking
up vile looking phlegm. I suppose I have been sick for several
days now and just didn't notice it. I think before when I used
to get bronchitis and I smoked a great deal I would notice immediately.
I took
a shower and wasn't as sore as I had anticipated... but my throat
was sore from coughing and Benedryl. Lesli conned the boys into
eating some nutritious food or they wouldn't get to go see
The Road to El Dorado so that was fun. We got there a little
late because she had to force feed them.
Then I
went to Bob's and figured out some shit with his computer. Kevin
walked another case and was happy so I stopped by his place.
I think he thought I would just fuck him.
"So...
you really don't love me anymore?"
He shook
his head.
"I can't
be intimate with someone who doesn't love me right now." He
was happier then he'd ever been than when we were dating. But
I am of the thought that if he no longer loves me and he could
turn off his feeling that easily then he must not have ever
loved me. I don't know. I don't think love is one of those emotions
you can just switch on and off that easily, but then again...
I do it all the time.
Friday
April 7, 2000
It's late
already. Almost 7. I am hungry and I just woke up at 1. Tomorrow
I am supposed to go hiking with Susan and Matt again. I missed
her birthday on March 31st so Susan... HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY!
Next year
I will try to remember.
It's supposed
to snow tomorrow... I don't know though... I am waring shorts
but then again that is one of the fucked up things about Kentucky
weather.
I bought
oneopinionatedbitch.com the other day, so all of this is going
to be moving there and I am going to use catherineclay.com as
my business addy. That way I won't be totally hiding my page
but I will use catherineclay.com more as a place where people
can come to see the URLS I have done.
I don't
know if I should go on and take a job or keep free lancing.
I am really excited about
Beat 'Em At Their Own Game. I guess because Mr. Simms is
too.
I am very
proud of the site I have done and it seems that all of this
success is because of Matt, so I would also like to publicly
thank Matt for his simple suggestion.
I didn't
wake up until 3 today. I was up late last night. And it seems
like I am not hacking up a bunch of shit today. I need to run
to the pharmacy though... and take a bath... and try to figure
out if I really want to go with Kevin to this party tonight.
Sunday
April 9, 2000
I took
photos of Tara and Mike today. They needed something to give
to the paper. Kevin wants to learn how to use a camera, so he
came along but the camera I lent him was broken really fast.
I wasn't
sure if I got everything the way it should have been.
Kitty
is sitting here on my computer. It's kind of comforting to listen
to him purr and feel him at my key board. Naturally he is covering
up the mouse.
I'm pretty
tired... I have had a busy weekend.
Saturday
night we went to Susan's parents hose to celebrate her birthday.
It was nice to have cake and a mom to serve it to us. But at
the same time there was that tension the pervades in every family
when the kids don't do what the parents expect them to do.
Sometimes
I am really glad I don't have that kind of family... but at
the same time I really want to have a big family. Kevin told
me this weekend he's not happy about the distance between he
and his family but in the same token he really misses huge gatherings
of people for events.
Mike asked
me today if I had a hard time separating myself from my web
page and he brought up a good point. Do I do things so they
will look awesome on my web page or do I do them just to do
them?
Once upon
a time this web page really sucked. Then I started learning
things to improve it and low and behold it has become the wonder
it is today. I should go back and rework some of the stuff just
so it all looks like it belongs but I still like those earlier
pages...
Anyway,
Mike brought up a good point as I don't know if I have ever
properly addressed it. I guess it's one of those things I have
thought about. Can I separate myself from my art?
I think
I do rather well. But I also know that there is a fine line
too. Some days I want nothing more then to be left alone and
other days I can't wait to run home and do this that or the
other but the one thing that always rings true with me is that
my page is always here for me. A never ending project that begs
for attention. So...
I have
said this once and I will say it again and again... there are
things in my life that go on that I never write about because
they are either too personal or it involves someone else that
I feel I have no business writing about. I do have ethics, after
all.
Monday
April 10, 2000
Oops...
I forgot Melissa's birthday.
I have
been on a perpetual slump. I don't feel like I get much of anything
done but then again...
I watched
the Sixth Sense at Kevin's tonight. It wasn't as freaky
or as scary as I thought it would be. I think as long as you
are open to such things that such things can happen. I think
it's very easy to happen. I know I can sense things and it's
not because I am a paranoid schizoid either.
Sigh,
it's late and I am going to bed.
Oh yeah...
I spent last night puking... that's why today sucked. And I
have had some allergic reaction to something because my palms
are itching and blech...
Tuesday
April 11, 2000
I paid
to take a flash course today. I think I am deciding what I am
going to do with my life. I can teach Dream weaver for the Mac
group as a free lancer. That will pay for my rent and stuff.
Then I am going to design web pages slowly with lots of skill
and make them very clean while instructing. I thought maybe
if I became a good enough instructor I could make a position
for myself at U of L and get students to design web pages for
companies around the world to pay for my salary.
That would
be fun.
So...
if I go out to California like I was planning to, I could take
some classes there to make me an "expert" at dream weaver and
contract that knowledge out to places. And Photoshop. That would
be fun.
Bob's
wife was not amused by my web page. I have to move that over
to another place. I think I embarrassed her.
Oh well.
I kept thinking about how Cole told his mother that he talked
with Grandma and she was dead. "that time you went to the graveyard...
she said the answer to your question is 'everyday'. What was
the question Mom?"
"Do I
make her proud?" I just started welling up... like I am today.
I hate feeling like such a freak sometimes. And Cole was worried
that his mother would think he was a freak. I could identify
with that.
There
comes a point when you understand and accept things about yourself
that you know you aren't going to change. I refuse to believe
that I can't live the kind of life I want to. I haven't had
a conventional life and I shouldn't have to pretend to lead
one.
But then
I get mixed signals because now that I broke up with Kevin we
get along a lot better. I don't understand how things like that
happen. I watched him last night... and I saw my father in so
many of the things he did. Come home from work, change into
shorts and start cooking. He even wanted a glass of wine. Dad
used to drink screwdrivers.
I have
been having some funny dad memories lately. Watching Kevin at
his job and then thinking that he could raise 3 kids on his
own. That's just insane. Kevin can't even wash his own dishes.
How fucking stupid was my father to think that he could actually
swing bringing up a family and be such a fucking work aholic?
Am I turning
into one?
I found
out today that I could charge more money for my designs and
not feel bad about what I am charging.
I felt
so awesome talking to Mark. I realize I can work for them and
they refer business to me or they give me the freedom to put
myself out there. I think going out to Cali and becoming an
expert in Dreamweaver would be worth it.
Plus by
the end of the week I will have a good base knowledge on how
to work in Flash!
Wednesday
April 12, 2000
Today
is Doug's Birthday, so Happy Birthday! Yesterday was Nate's
Birthday.
I stayed
up until 6 this morning fixing stuff for one
opinionated bitch. If you have any bookmarks here... I'm
warning you that everything is changing including the directory
structure because I figure that not too many people play with
such things so I laid in bed late one night and I thought to
myself "I am going to use the directories to send a message
that I want to." So http://www.oneopinionatedbitch.com/I/am/a/kick-ass/photographer/
is one of the things I came up with.
I actually
wanted to do that when we switched severs but I didn't have
the time to sit and re-work some of the shit you have to do.
I am going
to start using Cascading Style Sheets and other things so I
don't have to manually go back to every journal page and make
the dates current and I am sure I will be using some flash here
soon as well. So I am kicking it up a few notches and making
everything pretty and current.
Mark said
that if I know my stuff in Dreamweaver that I can teach a course
and make some decent money in June. So I am excited about that.
There's
really nothing to report today. I didn't do much. I hung out
with Bo yesterday and then I came home and Andy and I were going
to go do laundry but he was sick and sleeping and when you get
the fever to work on updating links and all that shit you really
have to just sit and do that shit for a while. Before getting
really into it Grisha called me around 9 and asked me to meet
him at the Granville Inn because I hadn't seen him since
he got back from Russia and now he's a married man.
His wife
is hot. I looked at his photos and he was sooooo happy. I can't
say that I didn't get jealous because I did. I wish someone
would look at me and love me that way but...
I had
a marathon conversation with Tristan today. I told her when
I see people behaving in Dad-like ways I get the bells and whistles
going off screeching "Danger Will Robinson!" so I cut things
short. Maybe I shouldn't do that.
Maybe
I just have this overly idealized idea of what a man should
be... or what the man for me should be like. I don't know...
I was going to go out to Ca. with my free ticket from Southwest
but they wrote me back and told me I would have to wait until
October because in classic Cathy Clay fashion, I have misplaced
my ticket. I might have even thrown it away.
Sigh...
I feel
like I am standing in the calm before the storm, right when
everything gets so incredibly quite and then explodes into utter
chaos. I wish I was already in the storm... I think I would
have a better idea of what to do.
Friday
April 14, 2000
I can't
WAIT until Flash is the industry standard!!!! God I am falling
in love! Is it possible to get wet over great software?
I went
out last night with Kevin. Elizabeth's Ted had a client and
he got her down from 10 years to 3 days so everyone was in a
REALLY good mood. I didn't get to sit next to Kathy, but I learned
all kinds of interesting things about Elizabeth.
I have
to go back to class.... I love flash!
*******************************************************************
You know...
I think I might take some time to myself for a while. I know
I always think I am going to do that and then I never do. I'm
probably going to end up staying here because I think I might
have a job next week and I am going to start teaching at a place
that really appreciates this page and my talent... no matter
how odd it just might seem.
Sunday
April 16, 2000
A Pyromaniac's
Wet Dream.
AKA Thunder
Over Louisville. The "biggest and best annual fireworks display
in the world." Matt of Matt and Mae, the twins, sent the committee
$3 last year and wrote that he wanted to make sure there was
a fireworks display since Kroger pulled out last year.
I got
to hand it to them... UPS and some other great sponsors came
together and put on the best fireworks display I had ever seen.
I had a good seat thanks to Kathy. She works in one of the buildings
on Main on the 19th floor. That beat the hell out of being at
the PNC building.
I need
to get those photos done. I have a bunch of photos I need to
have developed and I am out of images to put on my front page.
I need to get Matt to send me photos of me and Susan.
I walked
from Kevin's apartment on Scary Ave. I stopped off at Matt and
Sue's and called Kevin and told him to come get me. We had had
a little fight earlier that day about love. He told me to keep
walking and after just hanging out for a few minutes, I left
to walk down Main.
The street
was crowded, the likes of which I had never seen, and half way
there I heard someone yell my name. It was Mark H. He had cancer
back when Anne was sick. He drove a Porsche to school. I think
he got whatever he wanted because his parents wanted him to
have some kind of life. I called him when Anne was sick just
to talk about it and he was so fucking cool. He looked down
at me. I think they wanted me to join them. Scott Tichner...
I can't remember him... told me he had a crush on me ever since
the fifth grade when he would watch me write in cursive. That
made me feel so good. I never thought anyone liked me back then.
Actually
there is a funny story. Eddie Robert wrote to me recently. He
moved away a long time ago. I wonder whatever happened to some
people. Autumn Martin, Christie Davis, Michael Puckett, Brock
Cunningham, Mike Mickler. Those are some people I am curious
about. But Eddie wrote to me a while ago and that made me happy.
He does music now.
Anyway
I walked away from them and on the next street corner I ran
into Brandi and George. That was awesome. It made me happy.
I got to talk to them so soon after George's opening. I need
to call her more often. I should try to stay in better contact
with my friends. I have just been occupied by so many things
lately.
Nate had
his birthday yesterday. Anne was there and she didn't say 2
words to me. Fuck her. I can act like she doesn't matter to
me too. It's sad to say that I can't even talk to my own sister
because our differences are so exquisite. I think under different
circumstances we could have been friends but I don't hold any
hope for that kind of life any longer. I have decided that if
I am ever going to feel like I am a part of any family it's
going to have to be one of my own.
I walked
to Kevin's building on Seventh and Jefferson and tried to call
him in his office. I didn't have any change so I went and asked
a cop for some change and he gave it to me and as I was walking
back to use the phone Kevin was behind two guys.
He looked
down and was in a huff. It started to come out that he came
to get me at Matt and Susan's and I had already left. He was
huffing and a puffing about coming to get me and getting a parking
spot where he had to squeeze in. I didn't say anything about
it being in a garage. I decided that would be the joy so he
would know what a fucking nightmare it would be to get out after
the fireworks were over. (I knew I should have parked on 7th).
We went
and met Kathy and Ed and went up to her office, drank some much
needed beer, and then we watched the fireworks. They had made
some eggplant and I took a bite and thought it had green peppers.
I made an ass out of myself by saying that but they just laughed
at me. It was good... but it still tasted like green peppers.
The fireworks...
oh... a Pyromaniac's wet dream. So many colors and so much fire
dancing across the sky in uniformity. There were some new ones
I had never seen. Some that looked like dancing sperm, some
that were in the shapes of hearts. Many of them were the traditional
kinds of fireworks that exploded and fell like a weeping willow.
I thought
about watching the fireworks back when my parents were still
married for the forth of July. I could remember watching them
from Crescent Hill.
I think
I have lost sight of who I am. I sat in the back of my passport
as Tim drove us to the forest today. I regretted that I had
never really spent any time in a Russian forest. I thought about
how I could set up an e-mail account in Russia with Russians
that made fun of my bad Russian but whose English was so bad
that they couldn't do it. Larissa laughed at the boys and said
"Well at least I can understand her broken Russian."
I think
about so many things. Just a whirlwind going off in my head.
I think I might leave here, and then I find reasons to stay.
I know I should leave, but I think if I teach photo shop and
Dreamweaver then that way I just might be more marketable. Plus
Flash... mmmm. I need to get more memory for my computer so
I can actually use Flash on my computer.
I started
to make Doug a web page. But I can't finish it until I have
that memory.
Tim and
Heather went with us today. They are expecting another baby.
It's weird to see my friend's having kids and then yesterday
Mary told me how much work it takes to be a mother. She is tired
of the Boy Scout culture.
Kathy
and I talked a lot last night as we were walking to her and
Ed's house. The lines to get the cars from the garage were horrendous
and we just decided it was better to walk. She too was such
a Tom Boy and she was also raised by a lake. I have had more
in common with her in the way I was growing up... ways that
I choose to be. Reading and immersing myself in school.
She works
so much. She wants to switch jobs and doing Internet Anything.
I think if I start teaching lessons I am going to teach my friends
that want to understand stuff about the web.
So...
Kevin and I have been spending more time together. It's much
nicer between us now. Kathy always commends us on our excellent
break-up. I have been agonizing over it and over it. I don't
care to analyze it anymore. I don't see why we can't extend
the same kind of respect we do for a city to a person and accept
there are certain ways about them...
If you
are on my ICQ list please contact me. It crashed the other day
and I re-installed it. If you want to add me to ICQ just e-mail
me.
Monday
April 17, 2000
It's tax
day and I haven't even started. I think I might just file for
an extension. I was going to do my taxes last night but I spent
most of the day just waiting for Tim and then riding around
in the passport. Matt flew a kite. It's funny how something
so simple can still bring so much satisfaction. It makes me
wonder sometimes what it was like to only see kite flying in
the sky and the wonder and freedom people must have felt before
the plane was ever thought of.
Do you
know who I think the greatest man who ever lived was?
It was
Leonardo Di Vinci. That man was the most amazing man that ever
lived as far as I am concerned. If it wasn't for his ideas there
are so many things that wouldn't exist today.
Sometimes
I feel bad about myself because I like to dream so much about
the way I hope things will be instead of looking at things for
the way they are. Maybe it has kept me in touch with myself
a lot more. Maybe it has kept me from seeing the truth that
really is. Or something I refuse to believe about myself.
Reality
is such a funny thing. You have this set of rules that everyone
is suppose to live by, but honestly no one ever does because
we are all so absorbed in our own lives that it's hard to break
away from something you are so solidly grounded in each and
every day. I think I would go absolutely bonkers if I had to
believe the shit society wants me to believe about myself.
And if
you just so happen to move to the beat of a different drummer
and you refuse to believe shit people want you to believe about
yourself then where is the free thinking in that?
I go by
the feelings I get from other people. I can tell how most people
think about themselves unless they have decided to exercise
their day dreams into seeing themselves as who they want to
be.
I remember
there was a time I thought I would never learn Russian. There
was a time I would look ahead at who I wanted to become, a college
educated woman that was so diversified and so curious about
so many things. I wanted to develop myself and become this amazing
woman that everyone would like and if not some people could
even manage to love.
Now I
am that woman and I am scared as hell because I have lost site
of how to push myself even further.
There
came a point in my life where I felt like I would achieve so
many things with my life and then I looked around and I saw
there weren't that many people standing with me. And then I
started to feel like I shouldn't even bother to go much further
because achievement in girls is not so well looked up to.
I wrote
to a girl I found at highschoolalumni.com
and told her I remember the day she taught me how to French
brain my hair. We were sitting in the back seat of her mother's
car and she showed me how to do it. She was one of the smartest
girls at school. As we matured she was in all the high classes
and I can't remember... I think she was second to graduate from
high school (her grades were so high). She wrote me back and
told me that she no longer remembered how to French braid her
own hair.
It made
me sad in a way. But it also has made me think about a lot of
different things lately.
I think
kids are conscious of all different kinds of things at every
age. I don't think our level of consciousness ever really changes.
I remember things that happened years and years ago but then
I wonder if I don't see myself as not really changing much over
these years.
I think
in my heart and my mind I am pretty much the same person I have
always been but there for a while I had to protect myself from
being so abused that maybe I became such a cynical person although
I don't really see myself that way because I feel like I have
my feet grounded in the reality of what I have known my own
life to be.
I think
it's different for different people and it changes day to day.
All I can say is that I think I am trying to get in touch with
who I never allowed myself to be because I was always so set
on never fucking up my life and I find that no matter what I
do, I always always always take the hardest path there is to
follow. And that if I am going to do it, I am going to find
a way I can do it comfortably.
I went
through college that way. I have gone through life that way.
Kind of a desperate attempt to get things done instead of following
the natural order of things.
I also
think I do stupid things in my life because I get bored. Plus
after traveling so much I have come to realize that sitting
in front of a computer doing something I don't want to do for
a major part of my life seems like there wouldn't be much room
for growing. No matter what I do I find myself trying to grow
in different ways still. I haven't gotten stuck in a rut if
I basically stay happy with who I am as a person.
I don't
think I ever give myself enough credit. Sometimes I think people
understand what I am doing with this page by just forcing myself
to think in a different way... but no matter what I still am
a good and decent person.
Tuesday
April 18, 2000
The want
me to teach a ton of classes. I am scared a little. I am sure
I will do fine and it will be nice having a steady income. Now
they want me to learn fireworks and teach that in a couple of
months.
So far
I will be teaching Photoshop, Dreamweaver and BBEdit.
I have
a simple web page to finish on Thursday that will help pay for
my trip to Chicago. I really hate being this broke. I think
it needed to happen though. I think I love starting from ground
zero.
I chatted
with Michael today. We had a good chat about relationships and
stuff. We talked about when he was here and the problems we
had. I can't help but hold a deep fondness in my heart for him.
I wish I could change the way I feel but I honestly don't think
I want to. And I don't feel bad about having special feelings
for him. They are my feelings and I didn't have to tell him
I had them at all.
But then
I am the kind of person that lets everyone know how I feel about
them because you never know what someone means to you unless
they tell you every once in a while.
I think
by acknowledging feelings that I have then I don't waste so
much time freaking totally out when something goes really wrong
in my life, and let's face it, something is bound to go really
wrong every couple of years.
Actually,
it's been very calm lately. Nothing bad is going on and I think
I have problems functioning when things are going right.
We chatted
about kids and I told him that if I were to start having kids
I would have them with Kevin. I think he would make a good daddy
in about 5 years when his life has leveled off and he can handle
the demands of his job and a relationship. But I am not ready
to have kids. And Kevin and I are still broken up.
On Saturday
after being around my family and realizing that the only family
I can ever really feel like I am a part of is one I create on
my own I went back to his place and cried on the phone and made
him tell me he still loved me. I hate feeling so empty inside.
And I really want to know that he still loves me "but I'm not
in love with you" I didn't care about that.
I think
that after dealing with my fucked up father as long as I did,
never knowing if he was going to be pissed off when he came
home and not being affectionate I... I don't think I have the
desire to be involved with anyone that can hurt me like that
any longer. But then I suppose I would be cutting off the entire
human race if I did that.
I forget
sometimes that I am an adult. I forget that people actually
listen to me now. I forget to act like an adult when I always
feel like a child.
I think
I should...
Wednesday
April 19, 2000
"Grisha...
let's go for drinks." The best thing about hanging out with
a Russian is you can show up at midnight and demand drinks and
they are usually more then willing to go out and fuck around.
It took
him like 5 minutes to get his shit together and we spend the
next 2.5 hours at the Mag Bar. Naturally I didn't have
my fucking ID on me so we had to go back to my Passport and
find it.
We sat
there and bullshitted for a while and then some people I used
to know from my teen hood came by. We sat and talked with Allison
and Chris for a long time. It was weird.
I am too
drunk to write anymore...
Thursday
April 20, 2000
Kim, my
hair stylist, was talking about how she had dreams about hanging
out with Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain.
Am I ever
so lucky? No... I have to dream that I am in a fucked up weird
ass family where one of the daughters died... and we buried
her in my mom's old bedroom. It never stunk or anything.
So no...
I don't have cool dream like her. I have dreams where I have
super human powers. I have dreams that I can fly. I have dream
where fucked up things happen and then later become true. Premonitions
... my grandmother introduced me to this wonderful world when
I was 14. I was living with her and she woke up one day and
was crying and crying because something had happened to her
sister, Aunt Mickey, in the dream.
6 months
later Honeybee, Mickey's granddaughter, died of an aneurysm.
So...
I come by my Premonitions honestly.
Mickey
left Kentucky when she was very young. She married several wealthy
men. I look at how she and Granny get along and I wish they
were close... and then I realize that that is the path Anne
and I are probably going to take.
I don't
want to remember my sister being shitty to me, but it looks
as if there is no alternative. I can't make her understand what
she really means to me and that there are right and wrong ways
of dealing with situations and since she was a teen she has
always gotten her way.
I just
don't care to fight those battles with her any longer. I guess
last night when the sister was buried it was a representation
of our relationship and I think I must feel better about thinking
of her as if she were no longer a part of my life. I don't want
to think of her as the bitch would wouldn't pay storage but
I would like to think of her as someone I could admire because
she beat cancer but these day I don't find any admiration for
her at all because she acts so shitty to me.
I don't
understand how people can go through life changing events and
them not become better people but instead they go back to thinking
the way they did before hand. I would like to think that through
all the experiences I have that I stay rather optimistic.
Friday
April 21, 2000
It's Saturday
but I am going to write about last night because I can.
I went
to the box office with a dress I stopped off and got at the
Spiegel out let in Indiana. It was so bad. My tits were hanging
out and it was the first one I found so naturally since it looked
so slutty I had to buy it. So this girl looked at me and asked
me if I posted on nin.com and I told her yes and then she asked
me my user name and I told her "cunt" and she told me how much
she admired my work, etc.
That made
me feel special.
I kept
thinking as I stood there though that I was too old for this
shit. Not necessarily concerts... I just feel like I have reached
an age where many of the anxieties and frustrations that I saw
written in so many people's faces no longer belonged to me.
On my
drive up here I started thinking about things... sure I am not
working, and that sucks, and I don't have a place to call my
own, but honestly I have a really nice life. I can't complain
about anything, really and I listened to great songs and I just
felt so incredibly happy and peaceful. I was driving and I kept
thinking about what it means to be happy and I decided I am
very happy. I love who I am as a person, I love that I can make
people feel good. And I love that I am coming to a stage where
I love myself more and more.
I have
been taking some time to myself. I am going through some changes.
Plus I think I sprained my arm when I went bowling so long ago.
I am really
glad I got to meet LeCoeur, Minerva and Silvermitt. You were
all good company and I would like to thank you for time well
spent in your company.
Monday
April 24, 2000
You know...
when I fought with an interviewer about the merits of VI verses
EMACS that it was a good interview... sometimes it's the little
things that mean so much to me...
It's 4
am... more tomorrow. I must make myself sleep or I won't get
anything done.
Tuesday
April 25, 2000
I could
write a marathon.
I think
driving up to Chicago cleared my head of a lot of shit. I really
needed that.
I have
to admit that I have a really fucking awesome life. Sometimes
I forget that and I fall into a hole, reminiscing about my broken
romantic heart... a heart that has many fractures yet to come.
After
watching The Pillow Book I have been amassing many different
sensual pleasures that I take so much delight in.
Today
I sat in my favorite spot on the planet, in my sister's backyard
inside a hammock. Noah was on top of me. He looked over at me
with this huge goofy grin on his face, already a little man.
"Where's your car, Caffy?" I pointed to it and he talked about
other things whilst feeling me up. Just a little over 3 and
already a boob man. I thought to myself that he is going to
be a charmer and he is going to bring many a girl such kind
of delight. It's funny to think that his grandfather was one
of the original members of the Chicago Bulls and he has
never laid eyes on his own daughter.
Nate was
goofing off and flinging water at Noah and he went running down
the driveway fell and hit his lip and teeth into the ground.
I picked him up and ran him up to mommy. Instant memories of
falling down as a child came to mind as I was always clumsy
and falling down. Water with salt and spitting it out.
In retrospect
I feel somewhat responsible, but since I remember what I was
like as a child, I know that kids fall down and hurt themselves,
it's just a part of life.
Then I
went back outside to finish washing my SUV. I feel so much differently
after driving it around.
Nate asked
me if he could go down to the creek and I told him no. He tries
so hard to get away with things he shouldn't. I told him when
I was done I would go walking down there with him to look for
craw-dads. It's much too early for those creatures to be inhabiting
the creek but we saw tons and tons of tadpoles (which is always
a relief considering a car dealership was next door and they
used to pour shit into it) and leeches and water bugs fucking.
I was
reminded of the many weekends I would go down there exploring.
I remembered how to catch a tadpole and laughed at Nate when
he tried to reach down into the water and just pick one out.
There is a waterfall there and I always wondered what it would
be like to swim in it but I never have.
I thought
of all kinds of things on the drive... things I wished I could
have written down, ideas I had. My Walter Mitty fantasies...
I remember
thinking how awful it was that Indiana posted a speed limit
of 65 when it's certainly not a deserving state to be appreciated
at that speed. It's so flat. I started wondering how many other
places were like that. I know there are some places in Kentucky
where the speed limit should change, on 71 up until you get
to Carlton where the road becomes winding. But then again Kentucky
is full of rolling hills and it is very beautiful here.
Texas...
the speed limit should be 90 in some places. There isn't a terrible
fluctuation in weather so the roads are smooth.
I came
back here and took Andy to go pick up his truck. It's a pretty
greenish blue and it only had 19 miles on it.
I went
to go talk to Jacinta, since I haven't heard from her in a while
and I knew she was busy with the MCAT and Calculus 3. We caught
up, as we always do, in about 30 minutes.
I am very
lucky to say that she was my college room mate. I have such
an awesome history with her... and it's nice to watch her finish
growing up. I sometimes forget that she is just 24. She might
take a position in Yaroslavl and I told her that if I am working,
and I have the schedule I think I might have, then we can go
there together. I feel that itch coming on. I haven't been in
a year and I feel like going to Russia is such a part of my
life.
I chatted
with Jim today and he told me the photographer that took that
photo of Elian Gonzales (note that I have not said one fucking
word about that whole fiasco-- Elian, I am sorry honey but from
the time the media heard about you... you were FUCKED-- that
poor kid is never going to be right. I know how I felt about
my idiotic parents fighting over me... I can't imagine how it
feels to have two nations do it) signed some kind of bullshit
agreement and the photo didn't belong to him.
And you
wonder why I'm not running out there pimping myself? After having
my shit taken down I decided then and there that my work belongs
to ME.
I had
lunch with Eddie
and that made me happy. He was going to have a Cocktail party
but that was canceled.
Zack was
so sweet this time. I always told him there was someone right
for him and Michael has calmed him way the fuck down. I'm not
saying Michael is stern or anything but it seems like Zack is
a lot more giving then he ever has been before. I don't think
Michael puts up with his shit but at the same time he is very
compassionate and warm.
In a way
I felt like I was on the outside, but I think I was observing
more then anything. I was afraid that once Zack found someone
that loved him back that I would somehow vanish from his life,
but I don't think Michael is going to let that happen. If anything
it's like he finally opened up a part of Zack where he is almost
more nurturing so it's nice to see that he really does have
that in him and that we have kind of made up.
Maybe
some of the things we fought about aren't as important as they
once were.
You know
what else I thought of... I thought of how much I hate it when
cunts say "I don't understand how a girl can live off a man"
or shit like that. I used to be like that, but now I am in a
position where if it weren't for the kindness of many men in
my life then I don't want to think of where I would be.
After
all, it's not like I have a daddy.
Wednesday
April 26, 2000
I did
a
very bad recording so you can hear me reading one of my
more interesting passages. I will try to clean it up a bit.
I didn't
fall asleep until well after dawn and awoke at 10:30 when Elena
called me. I told her she might get an internship with the Mac
Group. That would be nice for everyone all around.
I am sleepy.
I re-did the louisville hydro site again. I couldn't stand that front page any
longer.
I feel
like I am running on 12 cylinders today... although I think
I will take a nap for now.
Saturday
April 29, 2000
When I
was talking with Kevin the other day he talked about how his
friends and he had some fresh salmon. I asked him to pick some
up. He brought back a little over 2 pounds.
He got
back and was like "if I have this hear we are going to have
to clean up." I had already asked Kathy if we could do it at
their place. Kevin called up Chris and asked him and since Elizabeth
is showing more, I am sure she wanted to stay home instead of
going somewhere she can't be comfy. So I called Matt and Susan
and Jacinta and Mili and we all went to Chris and Elizabeth's
last night.
I couldn't
have asked for a more perfect evening. Kevin and I had been
fighting because he said watching his friends in Seattle made
him happy and sad because he realized he wasn't open enough
to act the way they do. I was so hurt for some reason. All I
could think of the reason he wasn't like that with me is because
he never really loved me.
"That's
like the 8th time you have said that."
I started
thinking of it more and more. All day today and yesterday all
I could think about was how he treats me and how bitchy he can
be when he doesn't get his way. I am so sick of the situation
between us that I pray everyday I will get that job in Chicago.
Still I have a very hard time not enjoying his company or having
his cock deep inside of me.
So...
last night was magical almost. It was enough diversity so everyone
was having a good time. Everyone socialized with one another.
Even Matt commented how at ease he was. I try to tell him I
would never put him in a situation where he will feel odd. Susan
and he brought a key lime pie which was such a perfect accent
to the grilled salmon, veggies, steak and corn. We all drank
about 6 bottles of wine.
When I
think about ditching Kevin I think so these kinds of nights
where Kathy and Ed, Jacinta and Milli, Matt and Susan, Elizabeth
and Chris, Kevin and me won't have such a magical time. In so
many ways it works, but then in so many others it doesn't.
I think,
as I drive in my car sometimes, how much I would love just to
drive to Atlanta or go on and go to California. I think about
leaving more and more. But for some reason... I stay.
I am going
to watch Fight Club now.
Sunday
April 30, 2000
She sat
in the corner not wanting to move. Tears streamed down her face
and she didn't know what to do or where to turn to. She thought
of so many different things: The softest kiss from a former
lover, the tender flesh of a delicacy she had once treasured,
even the sunset over the magnificent ocean.
She was
hurting inside because of feelings that had never been voiced
and the pain from those that had. Sensations his body fed her
on a daily basis and her overwhelming desire to feel them again
because of the reaction left imprinted on her memory like a
fingerprint.
It seemed
all these things came together to make her realize this was
not what she wanted out of life. The sex was unlike anything
she had ever experienced. He made her body respond to his with
such a pyre of desire and longing that she felt it every time
she saw his face. When she spread her legs for him and he touched
those places she had never known existed it was hard to remember
all the loving things that never fell from his lips.
Back when
it was just the first one, she had to know that her body would
respond to other men in different ways. It didn't take long
for her to discover that it did, and that someone had lied to
her. Someone had tried to make her believe that only one could
set her passion blazing, that the life she was to experience
would offer her not much more versatility or passion or heightened
desires then the one she had chosen. It didn't take long to
figure out that that was not what life was about.
She wanted
so desperately to be loved. To be accepted for who she was.
To be loved in a way that most people today had forgotten to
love. The kind of love where a lover arose from their bed at
night to get you a glass of water, the kind of lover that was
satisfied with what little effort she exhibited in any kind
of culinary delight or failure she had created.
He was
not that kind of lover. Unsatisfied with his own life, he passed
the savings on to her. And in turn she became the same to him.
A reflection to his own insecurities. It didn't take much longer
then once she began to realize he was seeping the life out of
her through his negative perspective on life and draining her
of what little shafts of light she had found in her damaged
psyche, she knew that it was over. There was no reason to go
on. Not for the sex. Not for the companionship. Not for any
reason.
She wanted
to come out of the corner but even that wasn't enough. It had
to be a corner in a different place, a different setting. Of
all the places to wander of all the places she been this was
no longer her home. She never felt solace in this place, too
many painful reminders just looking down a one way street with
no outlets.
He could
not love her the way she needed to be loved for the simple fact
that he loved himself too much.
