Exhausted. The disease. Erin pulls out my scans to see my brain tumor. Elise asks me if I notice it.
"I notice it every second of every day except when I am getting pleasure because when I come there is a straight shot to my brain.
Zack IMing me all day. Shutting them all down. Getting angrier and angrier thinking of him being a God Damn coke head unable to send me money when I was destitute at the beginning of the year so he could feed his ever growing coke habit. Thinking I would tell him how I felt with each query but somehow just managing to let him go. The way he has done me before. Knowing he was on the other side of the computer and choosing to ignore me with each stroke doing whatever he does.
Working... talking finally.
Disturbed which has me up late thinking about the encroaching deadline of my book that still hasn't been turned in. I watched a show tonight with Erin on A&E about a mother that killed her ex husband because he had upgraded her to da ta ta ta da... the secretary. She had 4 kids just like my mom. He was telling her she was fat and old just like my dad. She blew his brains out and now she is in prison.
They should call this illness the axe attorney syndrome. He would show up at her house on the weekend and toss the kids off the curb and tell them to go stay with their mother and not even bother to tell her. My mom had custody of us every weekend.
I lost it when I heard the 11 year old boy talking to his mom on the phone and him in desperation begging her to stop talking and calling to make things worse.
All the feelings of suppression came brewing from deep inside of me. I went back and took a hot hot shower and cried while the scalding hot water fell on my shoulders. The cold is already setting in my bones. I have an appointment with a doctor tomorrow. I see a rhemotologist on Friday.
The boys cries... I have cried them before. The betrayal that you can't be happy that your mother is your mother or that your father is your father. You can't be happy about eating a steak when you know your mom ate peanut butter all week just to stay alive because the American lie let's freedom ring. You can't be proud of your dad for coming to a concert you had or showing (or not showing) up for graduation.
All the lies that the relationshit was built upon come crashing down and it's honestly the revelation that echos through your kids souls that somehow they weren't good enough because half of the person they came from wasn't necessarily a good person or didn't stand up to his or her end of the deal.
I look around at Erin and Mike and they really love one another. Things might not be the way either of them want them to be but they are trying to make the best they can and they both love their daughter so much that they will forgo the bitching and screaming just so that the baby is allowed to be proud of both her mother and her father as she ages.
I think about the only time I ever saw my parents be civil to one another. I was waking up from the anesthesia from my first brain surgery and they asked me which 2 people I wanted to see. There was as much love in that room as hate. Neither one of them said a word and I know I looked hideous with that swollen nose and packing shoved up in there. My mother tenderly looking at me (and god how I miss that loving glance EVER DAY fucking whore why did she have to die) and my father icily silent in her presence gaping at me in horror because he did not have the emotional capacity for staring at his oldest daughter that way.
The cries of the child as he talks to his mother... I know those cries. I have cried that cry a thousand times not having the maturity of understating what this hatred was all about. Not understanding how it was indirectly my fault for things being this way.
Cutting Zack away once again is like cutting off my arm. I had to do it before and I won't do it again. I don't have the time or inclination of ever being hurt like this by anyone as long as I live. Life is much too short and I am not chasing assholes around the world any longer. I've got my own to contend with.
Thursday September 11, 2003
I sent the letter yesterday. The leave me the fuck alone I don't ever want to talk to you again as long as I live letter. The I hate you for doing coke and not being able to send me even $20 for food when I was down letter. The I hate your fucking Ben Sherman shirts and the bullshit you stand for because you are not a true friend to me letter. The I can't believe I trusted you with my heart again letter.
> I've tried to IM you like 100 times? Are you really not there? Just let
> me know what's up? Pls.
>
> Zack
>
> //// zackFrazier
> // xakf
> //// http://zackfrazier.com
What's up? What's up your fucking nose, jackass?
I spend the entire fucking month of February in the GOD DAMN HOSPITAL FIGHTING FOR MY FUCKING LIFE AND YOU PISS MONEY AWAY BECAUSE YOU ARE A GOD DAMN COKE
HEAD! I DIDN'T HAVE MONEY TO EAT AND YOU TOLD ME I NEEDED TO WORK? I HAVE TO
TAKE VICODAN SO I CAN FUCKING LIVE... FUCK IRINA AND HER TELLING ME CUTTING MY
TOENAILS IN HER HOUSE WAS RUDE EXPECTING ME TO GIVE YOU AND ALL YOUR FUCKING
COKE HEAD MORONS MY MEDICATION I NEED TO LIVE IS REPULSIVE.
I'm cutting you loose. I don't need your bullshit in my life. Go FUCK YOURSELF. I hate your fucking guts. You are such a selfish fucking COKE HEAD that you
quit caring about anything but getting your party on and becoming a fucking ATKINS NAZI.
THAT'S IT. WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME? ALL THE FUCKING LIES YOU TOLD ME.
"Oh baby send me your diary and I will put it together for you"
"I hope you don't feel slighted because I forgot your birthday"
It all makes PERFECT FUCKING SENSE NOW. YOU ARE A GOD DAMN COKE HEAD. FUCK YOU FUCK ALL OF YOU COKE HEAD FRIENDS. I'll do it all on my own, thank you very
much. FUCK YOUR PHOTOS AND YOUR BATTERY. There's NOTHING in it for me.
Humiliation? I WASTED MY TIME SEEING YOU. I could have been rolfed. I could have been with a lover. I SHOULD HAVE SPENT IT GETTING MY DIARY READY.
LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE YOU FUCKING MORON. You aren't getting shit from me so quit asking.
I can't WAIT for your herpes to start electrocuting you so you know what I go through and have gone through for the last 3 fucking years and no one taking notice and no one GIVING A FUCK BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO GET THEIR PARTY ON. I can't wait to see how the COCAINE EFFECTS YOUR DISEASE but wished I cared enough to watch you suffer. I'm sure it will make it totally comfortable for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
EN-FUCKING-JOY.
He keeps writing me back. He won't leave me alone. "I'm not afraid of you" is on my screen when I open my computer. I rip his asshole again. I think he enjoys it:
I haven't bothered to read any of your shit because I TOLD YOU to LEAVE ME ALONE and let me sort it all out but no... you still continue to have NO RESPECT FOR ME and have to pester the fuck out of me. Now you are just a vacuous cess pool of useless knowledge to me and I hate you and I don't want to talk to you and I don't want you to harass me anymore.
LEAVE ME ALONE. Your messages aren't being read, your IM was blocked and deleted and you can fuck off and leave me alone forever. I HATE YOU.
I don't need your emotional abuse. I don't want you or to hear your bullshit made up problems that you create for yourself especially because you were stupid enough to get an STD that will start causing you problems similar to what I am experiencing only I was lucky enough to be BORN with mine. I should have known you weren't "cured" from all the therapy you did because you are a COCAINE ADDICT and I am not going to stick around to hear how your fuck your life up when you sure as fuck weren't there for me when I needed you the most. You totally fucking used me when I had money and when I needed you THE MOST you couldn't send me $20 for food yet just snort another line and fuck sending Cathy flowers to prove that I care (awww because you really don't) or fuck her birthday because she really doesn't matter anyway.
This is the second time I forgave you for being a shit. Shame on you for not treating this relationship with kid gloves or caring. Shame on me for trusting
you with my heart. You took me for granted and I am not doing it again. You will NEVER hurt me again.
GROW UP. QUIT DOING COKE BECAUSE IT DOES NOT ENHANCE YOU PERSONALITY (naturally other coke heads will tell you you are ok but really you aren't). and PS I went to the doctor yesterday (got another script for 120 Vicodan a month so I can fucking move)and he told me I wasn't fat so take your fucking Atkins diet it and shove it even further up your ass than cock you fucking Atkins Nazi.
Catherine
His subjects to his replies were getting creative however I didn't even bother to read them.
Thursday September 18, 2003
Boo Hoo Hoo when I last spoke with Florent he hadn't eaten for 2 days and he had spent the weekend crying. That was Tuesday. Boo Hoo Hoo. I got mad at him and told him that instead of wasting that energy he should be doing something constructive to make his life better. Crying doesn't help Southern Bells make it through history and Frankly I just don't give a damn.
Erin, Alise, Zoe and I went to the beach the other day. It was so nice although we only ended up staying for a brief moment. I can't wait to have the photos done.
I met an Isralei last night with a PhD. in Physics. I'm such a slut. He turns 34 on Lesli's birthday. I think it's completely Bizzar that I have been meeting men that are born on my family's birthdays. Balo was born on Granny's and he's SUCH a Gemini male. Frank, the man that hired me here, was born on Momma's and now Yossi was born on Lesli's which is tomorrow. I don't know if I will hear from him again but my god that man knew how to work my body.
We met at a bar in Berekley and had a couple of drinks. He sat across from me and then went and got beer and then sat next to me. Hints of garlic fell from his words. I was intoxicated by that, the attention and his carresses. Just like Balo we have the same color eyes. He took the initive and kissed me with softly shaven skin and voluptuous lips. FOB working post doc at Berekley.
We stood outside on the street after spending much time kissing in the booth and murmuring likes and dislikes. I don't know why when I put my eyes upon him I knew he was the kind of man for me. It's like a wave of comfort washed over both of us. I told him I wouldn't have sex with him on the first date but after standing on the sidewalk making out for what seemed to be an etertinity with his hands on my ass, crawling up my shit and cupping my breasts, exposing them in the dark to silent pedestrians, arms cuddling me and hands tempted by my soft flesh he asked me to the car and I could not resist. I said, "No sex" but once I put my hand on his cock I knew it was over.
We sat in the car for a minute and his hands fell to the folds of my hungry cunt. Three seconds later there was the hot wet gush from my first orgasm.
"I've never felt that."
"Oh but you told me you did."
"I must investigate..." in a seductively soft accented voice.
"Then let's get a hotel room." No shit. I am not going to date any losers that can't get a cheap and sleazy so that I can get the maximum amount of pleasure from the encounter.
Open doors exposing crack heads playing video games with a hard surfaced bed that sunk in the middle awaited me after I used the rest room. My pants were off after ensuring that there was no toilet paper clinging to my neathers. If a man won't go down on me then I won't bother with him again. He ate my pussy like a delicacy. I have never had a man worship me sopping up my cum with eager ness. Fingers inside me, tounge ensuring that I come.
I totally let him go after me. I let him do the hardest work. My thin ankles on his shoulders as he rubbed his cock on the outside of my hungry pussy. "It's nice to know that you have your diamond." I commented after he told me that piolets in the Isralei army have diamonds in between their legs.
"It's such a turn on that you are married." Shit if I had known that I would have said I was married a long time ago. Men love fucking married women. I had no clue.
He ate me like no man has ever eaten me. My sunburned belly against the bed he took his hands and wrapped them around my thighs and went to town. My God it felt so good. He knows how to spank. Once time he was a little too hard so I squealed out. His cock between my tits and me giving him head. "Aren't you going to fuck me?" always the greedy cunt.
"I love fucking you." He murmured several times. I loved being fucked too. His cock was HUGE. "It's normal."
"Well I am so glad that you have been with so many men."
" I have seen lots of naked men..."
And with the three magic words "fuck me harder" it was over.
"The Israelis surrender to the Americans. I am not finished." What else is new?
He managed to get a semi hard on to finish the job. It was 2 AM by the time we finished. He went home and so did I. The bed was drenched. I can still smell girl cum on my hands.
I really love my fucking life right now. I talked with Chad Brinker (a football player for the NFL that had an arachnoid cyst) last night on the phone and he is totally fine now. I am so amazed. The difference from talking with him vs. others is that he is clear and coherent but he's only 23. He said they cut his cyst all the way out which has me concerned.
I have a Siamese fighting fish.
Friday September 19, 2003
The physist is just another dud. After some very hot e-mails he started bitching about paying for the hotel room which was insulting. I said in my ad I didn't want to fuck around with broke ass losers and what do I attract? Too bad too, what a waste.
Even though it says it's over I know I am going to hear from him again. Just like that Dale asshole. I swear to god they are such dummies. They piss you off once and it's like they come back and start howling at the door to be let back in.
I give up. Florent got his fucking Green Card approved today so he will be a US citizen. Too bad he can't vote for Arnold. I'm voting for Arnold. I can't understand how one man could have spent 80 billion dollars in less than one year. What a felony.
Monday September 22, 2003
Tonight is my night to make dinner.
I am still giddy from lunch. I had a lucnh date with a smartass named Clinton. He took me out for Chinese food and then we went and smoked a bowl and in order to advert suspicion when the stupid security guard pulled up I pulled him over to me so we could start kissing.
Spent a lot of the year in Amsterdam. Has toys and homes and is not a slacker. What a welcome change. He is *GASP* Florent's age. Came back from lunch and Thelma from the front desk asked about toes and that if a man asks about your toes and he likes what he sees then he will ask you out again.
I told Thelma I need to go to lunch with her sometime so she can fill me in on all the details. She calls me Louise.
Good god it was a fucking awesome and fucked weekend. Kel blew up at Erin for leaving the baby in Alise's care because she ended up taking care of her because Mike was outside working on his car. What did he do on Saturday whne it was light? Nothing.
I can't jump his shit too much though because I have never seen a man bust his balls the way Mike has been. "If it weren't for bad luck I wouldn't have any." He cracks me up. He was not in the mood to go out on Friday so Erin and I took the opportunity to get lost in San Francisco looking for Haight so that we could get some Ethapioan food. YUM. That's when KEl called and blew her top.
It all got worked out so we went to a strip club instead. It was more entertain getting a hit from a joint from a boy here from Atlanta nad watching the men drool first over Erin and then over me. I would watch them watching her go by and when I came behind her it made them slobber thinking of "mama."
Erin called me a bull dyke and I was like no... not at all. I think I shared more of my life with her in the past two days then I have shared with anyone. She kepts asking me questions and I just went into this free form of telling her stories that came from everywhere.
We had a blast on the beach on Saturday night. The air was somewhat soothing and not bone chilling cold. The fire was birght and after dying for weed all night some brothers came up and traded me Vic for weed.
Later on in the evening I met a gentleman named Melvin who gave me a paper and told me to smoke what I had. He was a gentleman. He kept asking me questions and I kept talking to him too. He was from here and had been raised in a forest. It was surreal but I have a feeling much about life reamins this way.
I can't believe things are going so well right now.
Wednesday September 24, 2003
I went to the Oakland As game last night. I fucking loved it. We had great seats. "Balls never pop up there when I am there." He eyed his normal seats as the 7th foul went up.
Thursday September 25, 2003
So... I am so fucking bored.
I am PMSing and a grouch. If I go see the Pot Doc this weekend then I won't have any money however if I put it off I still won't have weed. I Think it might be a waste of time. Why bother?
Friday September 26, 2003
13 years ago today I had my first brain surgery.
I read this article yesterday and wrote the reporter this e-mail.
That Mr. Clay is willing to represent Ms. Conner for free when he won't even pay for his own children's college education like he promised ME, personally.
But I think that this quote:
"But my representation of Miss Conner was undertaken for better or for worse," he said. "Certainly this is an aspect that we didn't anticipate when I began representing her. But at this point I don't want to abandon her."
Is especially funny considering he abandoned both my sister and myself when my mother was only given 3 months to live when I was 15. Abandonment is the only thing that man truly knows because he was never there for me when I needed him the most and I am his biological daughter.
That's ok. Revenge is a bitch and I can't wait to publish my diary so people know what a domineering sexual harasser he was considering he used to bring his secretaries home. I loved living with them especially that one that stole all that money.
And boy wasn't having brain surgery fun this year (and in 1990 for that matter) and having a diseased mind is great fun considering he abandoned me and let me go through hell this year because he never cared enough about my health to educate himself or realize that I have been dying a slow painful death from a brain tumor that is rare and the only site out there that exists to my disease is one I created at http://arachnoidcyst.org . I personally love reading all of our horror stories and how no doctor has put together that we all have similar symptoms but Vets treating dogs somehow managed to figured out that the arachnoid membrane stays inflamed.
Yeah this man is so admirable. Keep up the great work for keeping monsters in the media.
Catherine Elizabeth Clay
I am in so much pain. I wish I were dead. I talked to a lady today from the NINDS and she was not too happy that I was going to do an educational video on Fem Ejac in order to raise funds for my site.
Friday September 27, 2003
"You can have a BAKE SALE!" Mary said ot me on the phone. I wanted to die laughing. How in the hell can you raise millions or even thousands of dollars for brain tumor research sell baked goods?
Kel had the best idea. "Why don't you make those 'special' baked goods and sell those?" She laughed. It made me laugh too.
I will never understand people.
