Monday
May 12, 2003
I
am exhausted. Literally, physically, emotionally... I can't
get it together. If I am working more than I can't write
as much and there is so much going on.
I
met Anna Nicole on Friday when Art gave me my photos.
He thanked me for being such a great model.
I
don't think I thanked him enough for being an awesome
photographer and taking some decent photos of me.
I
really felt sexy when I saw what I looked like the
day I was to have brain surgery. The sun was coming
up and I felt so special.
So
meeting Anna Nicole while I was getting these photos
made me happy.
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Zack
told me I should meet her and become her best friend
but I am sure she sees a lot of weirdoes and that doesn't
make me too different from
the rest of them.
I don't ever want to be a freak.
Richard rolfed
me the other day and I thought I was going to die from
pleasure. He dug deep into the tendons around my legs
and where they attach to my body. I know now that he incorporates
tantric methods into his Rolfing. |
My new cord for my
computer is already starting to break. I hate that. I am
reading two books right now on how to live after having brain
damage. Both books are written by people that have had accidents
that left them with damage but Kara does talk about how brain
damage from the inside is different and can cause some problems.
One book is titled "How to live with Brain Injury" and the other is "I'll Carry
The Fork". It's heart wrenching because she couldn't drive
and hated asking for help. He calls brain damage the "silent
disability". I completely agree. You try to take care of
yourself so that no one else notices you are having problems
and it's so hard to get back on your feet and you don't want
anyone else's help until you are falling on your face.
We have been fighting
again. He told me when we first moved in with Richard that
he would pay his half but he needed my help and I was going
to have to pay my own way. He fucked up last week and didn't
go to a job interview. Buzzy called him a "little shit" after
she told him to ask his old lady what to do and he got in
her face and started asking her what to do. It's been impossible
to be around him for some time now.
I feel like I am waking
up from the hell that I have been living with. I am scared
that no one will want me if I leave him because I am brain
damaged and it's not the easiest way to live your life when
you are confused all the time and can't control what's going
on with your body.
Richard is a big help.
He talks about expanding your mind a lot and he tries to
get me away from the dark emotions by talking to me. Being
around him helps so much because of his experience.
But I am not happy
with his cooking. I had the idea for one person to make dinner
one day of the week. I started off making lasagna. Buzzy
made beef stew. Richard made chicken legs that were not fully
cooked when he served them and vegetables. I was not impressed
so I am not going to go out of my way to make dinner like
that again.
I'm back to my pre-brain
surgery weight. Big Shock. Back on Neurontin, elavil and
I can't get out of bed in the morning without my vicodan.
Shit I am in so much pain I think I need a wheelchair. I
think I am going to ask Dr. Kelly for a walker. I need some
support so that I can move around easier.
We watched AI last
night. What a fucked up movie. I have been watching "The
Pillow Book" for quite sometime. I think I should do some
photos of me and Florent with Richard doing calligraphy on
our bodies.
Buzzy had a yard sale
this weekend and got rid of a lot of shit. I sold this nasty
orange Tiffany & Co purse for $10 and Buzzy later told me
it was "Retro" and I have regretted selling it ever since.
Oh well I have to lighten my load.
Thursday
May 15, 2003
Oopsy. I missed work
today because I lost my keys. I missed my pych exam for SSI.
It's been one complicated mess after another. My brain just
short circuited today and when I started to miss my appointment
I was down for the count. I couldn't lift my head up or anything.
I woke up long enough
to see Buzzy for a few minutes and then I was back down.
I could tell this
morning that once I was down it was time for some much needed
rest. I was hoping I could wait until next weekend but my
body said no you are going to stop everything and rest now.
Naturally when we
found the keys they were near Florent's junk. This room needs
to be cleaned so bad. I know he would come up to me and try
to wake me up but I couldn't move. I was just stuck there.
Sunday
May 18, 2003
I am
a sculpture under his hands. My bones are not solid, my muscles
are like clay as a potter molds a mug around the wheel. I
let him into places I didn't know people could go.
I slowly
start to disconnect. My heart broken, my ego bruised.
The sheets
are clean, the floor is vaccuumed. There isn't a lot of junk
on the floor. My clothes are ironed. I am starting to realize
more and more that my life is my own and that I don't have
a partner. It's been almost 4 months since I had brain surgery.
Anne sent out a post about not having a job. It made me want
to cry. She can't do anything to find a job and I have suggested
that she contact this one man that I have been establishing
a relstionship with.
Buzzy
and I had sushi last night in the most beautiful place. I
didn't want to eat because I had already had dinner and I
do not appreciate someone spending my money for me.
Things
are things. Life is always life and there are situations
that are beyond my control and I have a life of my own to
live. It's kind of nice to bring my life somewhat together.
I was
haping I could spend this weekend with Connie. I need to
get out of here. I am going insane.
I got
a letter from Sue Vong and received a phone call from her
telling me that I have SSI checks waiting as long as I just
go to these tests. I am so tired that I can't wait to just
rest.
I keep
thinking about some of the choices I have made. How at this
point I feel that I might be happier being by myself again.
All signs
point to yes. I wish things would smooth out. I wish the
wrinkles in my life would come out with an iron however I
think some elbow grease is necessary as well.
Wednesday May 21, 2003
The force of the slap was intended to reach his cheeck and make it shudder
with the force of my anger however it was twarted and only hit his nose so he told me.
"You fucking cunt." were
the words uttered that sent me into the painful realization that I have adopted
an asshole in my life that measures far worse than the magnitude of the pain
my father caused me as a child.
Being oblivious to the
fact that because of my health problem, issues with being previously abused
and being blinded by "love" finally sunk in to make me feel like I should
be giving that love and attention to someone that deserves it... ME!!!
I don't need a man in my life to make me feel whole. Thinking about Melissa raising Colin all by herself now makes more sense. Why bother putting up with a bastard when you can put that love into some creature that you care about and they can show you love.
Thinking about my father.
Tuesday
May 27, 2003
This
Pain is driving me insane.
Anne is telling me the chilling truth of our childhood on AIM. My grandfather was gay. My father and his siblings were beaten. We were to go into foster care becuase neither one of them were sane.
That chills me down to the bone. She is sick. She is bulemic. I taught her how a long time ago and she still clings to that BS.
The weekend was mixed. I felt like a princess high a top a castle near Boulder Creek. The jacuzzi, the love, the friendship.
It was certainly unbelivable. I miss Connie a lot.
