Don't
leave cum stains on a blue dress.
*This can be said by a male too.
That's
not the most important thing, because I have been with guys
that were so big they scared me but the sex was so bad because
he didn't know how to use it. Thank God that guy didn't
do that swirly thing with his hips or I would be pissing
out of my eye.
I
can't complain that way without bitching at women too because
most women are so uncomfortable with their bodies that they
make it virtually impossible to enjoy fucking. I wouldn't
enjoy fucking me if I was overtly self conscious and self
critical. Hell, if you can't fuck yourself with some aplomb...
And
I have had lovers that were itty bitty but god damn they
did things with their mouths that no man has done before.
But
I suppose the most important thing is how he uses it. I
am not side stepping this issue anymore. If women have to
please men by being beautiful and all that other societal
bullshit, then fuck you, men should have big dicks. Go to
the plastic surgeon and get inserts. Or go see Dr.
Jorn Ege Siana.
I
know I can personally put up with a lot if I feel satisfied.
I don't have the biggest cunt in the world, but there is
nothing like an ultra snug fit.
Wha
HOOO!!!!! First count the President is NOT GUILTY!!!
I
am going to jump up and down today because my mom was WRONG
and she isn't here to see it! There are some moments in
time where you remember exactly where you were when it happened.
I am sitting here naked as a jay bird gloating to myself
and all the fucks that thought he would be impeached.
There
is going to have to be a change... there has to be some
kind of control on our government, because it's getting
out of hand. People HAVE to start taking responsibility
for their lives.
I
heard the other day that the government is going to try
to sue tobacco companies to try and re-coup some of the
money they have spent on smokers.
FUCK
THE GOVERNMENT!
They
subsidize fucking tobacco and give people money so they
will fucking grow tobacco and then they are going to turn
around and sue the companies? Come the fuck on! It's like
prohibition.
If
you smoke, and you are too stupid to realize it more then
likely WILL cause health problems, then fuck you. You have
control over your own fucking life and if you... blah....
The
great thing about this whole Monica thing is that we got
to see her cherubic face plastered all over the media for
over a year and that means... that means that if a fat girl
is good enough to suck the president's dick then all fat
girls should have some kind of honor in having Monica as
a sexual liberator.
The
president could have had ANY of those skinny chicks any
fucking chick he wanted to suck his cock but he chose a
fat chick from Beverly Hills. Too bad about all the other
shit that went around with it.
Fuck
I just started my period. I am going to take a nap.
Sunday,
February 14, 1999
I
have no idea what I did a year ago on this day. Andy was
never that romantic and never really tried to do anything
special on these kinds of days so I basically put my heart
aside.
Well,
fuck that, if some guy I am dating doesn't want to at least
get me a card on Valentines Day, he can lick my bloody cunt.
I
have so many fucking things I want to write about...
Elena
keeps the apartment so tidy that I have no excuse not to
do other things anymore. You know, as long as I needed to
do the dishes or something, then I could keep myself from
being better organized. I don't want to come to depend on
her to do these things, but it is nice coming home and not
having to worry about the dishes. And she cooks.
I
hate asking her for anything because I am so used to being
so independent, but I really like that I can care for her,
offer her a place to live and emotionally support her (really
she is emotionally supporting me) so that she knows things
here aren't so bad, and show her the ins and outs of living
in this culture.
It's
so interesting the conversations we have been having about
the main differences between our cultures, so I am gaining
a better understanding of Russian culture as well.
I
wake up every day and I am so happy to be alive. There is
always something new to discover or something really cool
to show her and this makes me feel so good that I can do
it and I can explain my culture or the way I see it to her.
But I am also excited about learning new Russian words and
phrases and hanging out with other Russian that are here
in Kentucky.
So...
one of the last times I saw my father in court (my mom was
trying to get support from him) he had us all testify. This
was about the seventieth time my mom had been to court over
us in 10 years time because she didn't want him to raise
us, but we were already teenagers.
So,
we had been living with my mom for a few months. I know
I don't remember all this right, and the time frame maybe
wrong, but I was about 17 and I was still trying to have
a relationship with my father and I told him that mom was
crazy. Well, after all the hell he put her through and the
hell they put us through, I could understand why she was
crazy.
Crazy
is such a relative term. Singing songs from the sound of
music with your children in the woods is not crazy. Not
doing their laundry and it piling up does not mean she was
unfit, after all, my lazy bastard of a father could have
gotten off his dead ass and done it just as easy as she
could have... oh I forgot, she was having her first surgery
to cut the Cancer out of her womb, what was I thinking?
She was having some problems so maybe he could have gotten
off his dead ass a little easier then she could have.
I
could understand her madness, though, because I saw what
he did and how he obliterated any spark of individuality
she had, which is why mine is INEXTINGUISHABLE. Which is
also why I am the uncontrollable cunt because I see that
shit for what it is and I fucking refuse to put up with
it from ANYBODY. (sometimes, this causes me problems...
only sometimes)
So,
the last time we were in court with him, he made my sister
out to be a slut because her boyfriend was living at mom's
house. He made my brother out to be the fucking loser he
is and the worst thing he could say about me was that I
said my mom was crazy.
Why
would you want to have anything to do with a man like that,
ESPECIALLY WHEN HE ENCOURAGED OUR SEXUALITY!!! I remember
being fucking 13, Anne was 11, and he made dinner one night
and it was just the three of us (I think my brother was
at my mom's and who knows where his slut of the week was)
and he very uncomfortably looked at us and said "blah blah
blah... Girls, if you ever need birth control or an abortion,
just come to me." What a fucking joke.
When
Anne was sexually assaulted he treated her like a whore
and didn't believe that a woman could be raped. Or maybe
he just didn't want to think that people he defended all
the time were capable of penetrating his family.
So
you can see another reason why I will never have anything
to do with that fucker again, because he found a weak point
in my sister and my brother and exploited it for his own
purpose, something he was liberal in thinking but when it
comes to protecting himself, he exploited them for something
that was not socially acceptable.
What
I want to know is why or even how can someone be so cruel
to his own fucking children. If I were Anne, and my dad
made me out to be a slut, I would NEVER fucking have ANYTHING
to do with that bastard, but that's just me and my own character.
I realize she is still trying to find something in him that
she will never get and I can't condemn her for trying.
I
would rather waste my energy on people I know are worthy
of my affection. My father and most of the people on his
side of the family are not worthy of my certain kind of
freakyness. Aunt Betsy understands it now. From what Anne
said, my Uncle Richie has been reading my dairy but doesn't
have the balls to sign my guestbook or even e-mail me, and
I suppose if I were him, I wouldn't know what to say to
me because I condemned him and his family for treating us,
his flesh and blood, like shit just for being my father's
child, instead of thinking about how much pleasure I, personally,
brought to him when I was a child and he would lay on the
swing in the lake house and I would give him back rubs.
I
can forgive you of that, Uncle Richie (or should I call
you Uncle Dickie) because that's the kind of person I am,
but I don't think I could ever have any kind of solid relationship
with you. I will tell you that if what I hear is true and
you refer to one of your daughters as "stump" you need to
cut that shit out now and fucking tell your daughter you
are a fuck sometimes and you make mistakes and maybe you
will be the only Clay son that doesn't have a daughter that
tries to commit suicide. Maybe I am wrong, but I know those
are the kinds of wounds that never heal unless you confront
them or move on.
I
wonder what it was like to drink Drano. I preferred my method
of taking 88 muscles relaxers when I was that fucked up.
Thankfully I didn't make a tablet cocktail or I wouldn't
be here now bitching about my life.
Well,
so this is my relationship Valentine to all those special
people out there. Just be aware of the decisions you make
to the people you love because ultimately, you are responsible
for how you affect those people's lives.
Love,
Catherine
Monday,
February 15, 1999
My
cat is laying next to me... He's being all lovely dovey
and I don't think I can deal with it.
My
SCUBA instructor scared the living fuck out of me yesterday.
We were practicing what happens when you run out of air
with your diving buddy and I was minding my own business
and I looked over and there he was hanging upside down.
I
think I will like diving just to watch the people underwater.
He is so graceful.
SO
I have been trying to talk Anne into taking SCUBA with me,
but I don't think that's her thing. I know one day she will
be like "Why didn't you tell me this was so much fun?"
I
have so much shit to do... sigh...I hate being overwhelmed
anymore. It's like when mom was dying, I always tried to
stay overwhelmed so I wouldn't be depressed, but now...
I think it sucks to over extend yourself.
I
don't know what the hell happened... but the other night
on Saturday Night Live, they were actually fucking funny
for a change. It's like they watched Mad TV or something
and finally realized they fucking sucked for a while and
now they are trying to be funny. No, they actually are being
funny, which makes me happy.
Tuesday,
February 16, 1999
I
feel so weak right now. I had to send my NEW POWER BOOK
G3 back to apple to be serviced. Now I am beginning
to regret my decision to get that fucking computer because
in the back of my mind I think "if I am having problems
now, what's to come in the future?"
Fuckers...
They have this delicate little wire that goes in the back
of the computer... HELLO... like anyone that doesn't use
this fucking laptop, maybe it will work for those kinds
of people that are gentle with it but for someone like me
that uses the fucker every fucking day... what a poor design.
If
it were up to me I would have made it industrial strength
so it would take a fucking bomb to destroy the thing, but
then again, I am Cathy Clay and I can destroy anything.
My
grandmother used to often lament "if you want it destroyed,
give it to Patsy or Cathy." Patsy was my mom's name... I
don't think I ever have written her name... funny.
We
used to call her Vern. So when Dale looked up at me once
and I hadn't told him that he said "Hey Vern" like Jim Varney
in those old Convenient commercials I teared up.
I miss him, but I don't miss his shit. Too bad you can't
have one without the other.
That
and my car is leaking radiator fluid. I have crap in the
back of my throat from where this weather is so fucked up
my sinuses are draining constantly and I feel like I have
the fucking flu because I am so exhausted but it's just
from this fucking weather... last week it was in the 70s
and the very next day it snowed. This is Kentucky weather.
Oh, and I am exhausted because my period said "Bitch, we
are getting revenge on you for all those years of birth
control... ha ha ha... bleed... bleed... BLEED."
But
all that aside... I was watching Nightline last
night and they did a special about the living conditions
of women living in Pakistan and I wrote this the old fashioned
way, by hand.
To
live in a place where I am not a valued member of society...
what a horrible concept.
I
once met a girl in my Women and Religion class from
Pakistan. She was such a beautiful girl and she moved here
with her parents so her father could do business. One day
I asked her about this girl that I had seen her with and
it turned out to be her twin sister. She had gone to school
at U of L and met an American man and they had fallen in
love and gotten married.
I
watched her one day as her sister anxiously awaited for
her to come out of class... and as I watched them (I am
an observer to the extreme) they were looking over each
others shoulders as if they were committing some crime.
It
wasn't until I later talked to her and saw this program
what kind of crime they were committing. They were breaking
the BULLSHIT Muslim rules where a woman's worth is boiled
down to what she possesses between her legs.
When
I think about it now, my American sensibilities and my blood
just fucking boils at this outrage.
Then
I start to remember that we are not all of one culture...
then I remember further that it is just who I am and I am
always saying "fuck you" to the system.
I
don't understand how these girls can feel like they have
betrayed some bullshit honor system. Fuck honoring you mother
and father as well because chances are they have not honored
you... or this just happens to be my case.
Then
I start remembering that not everybody can tell their parents
to fuck off. They feel like they need that love that only
parents can give and since I no longer have that anymore
with my mom, I am at a loss, and I have never really felt
it with my dad. I keep thinking and thinking about how I
was just able to think of all the fucked up things my father
has done to me and I know that I will not abide by his system
or his rules and that I will make my own up as I go along,
this is my character, but some people need that structure
because they do not trust themselves to do it right.
There
is no right or wrong way to living your life. You can only
do what you feel comfortable with. So while one sister was
disowned by her father for marrying an American, the other
was still in favor because she was to marry a Pakistani-an
man, or already had. But she was dishonoring her family
by visiting her sister.
If
it had been me, I would have told my parents to fuck off
and spent time with my sister because that is one of the
few bonds in life that is more permanent. Your parents die,
but your sister is hopefully there for you most of your
life. But then again, it took me to realize this only after
my mother died.
In
some ways, I can respect this culture... that women are
to be honored in such a manner, but when it goes to extremes
such as this... what a fucking joke.
Women
are killed everyday in countries such as this. What kind
of life can that be where half of society is not free?
And
it's almost like a game now. A hunt. If a woman dishonors
herself or her family by just showing a sliver of flesh,
she can be murdered by a bunch of stark raving lunatic men...
and they say we are hysterical. I suppose that madness manifests
itself in many forms and this just happens to be the way
of the fundamental Muslims.
There
is nothing more dangerous then an ignorant mind... except
that of an underdeveloped genius.
I
was at Marina's place with Elena and a man from Iran and
they all have to wear that shit when they are out on the
street. I got into a lively debate with him and he said
he couldn't do anything about it but I think that's because
he doesn't want to. So many people feel like it's not their
place to say anything and I will never subscribe to that
way of thinking because I have to live on this fucking planet
too and when I hear about this kind of shit I know the only
thing I can do at this instant is to write about it and
educate.
It's
your planet too.
Sigh...
Well, I have a cunt, and I also have something many of these
people, both men and women, will never have and that's a
US Passport. Even though I bitch constantly about how I
think the way the government should be moving at least my
cunt is valued over here to some degree, bloody or straight,
she's still my cunt.
Wednesday,
February 17, 1999
So
far today has just been one of those kind of non discrept
kind of days, but I know that will change since I have Kloner
and Zigler's class tonight. I always think too much when
I am in class with them.
Last
night I finished watching the special on Nightline
and at the end of the program... I heard Stone Phillips
start to announce a guest and I looked at her and thought
maybe she was at Yale or Harvard and it turned out she teaches
HERE AT U OF L. I was like Whoo-hoo... there goes one for
the hicks. Then on Conan, this Noxema girl was on for her
new movie and he asked her like 50 billion questions about
what it was like to be from Kanfuckme. Gayheart... I can't
remember her first name but her last name is Gayheart.
Sniff
sniff... kind of makes me all well up with Pride because
you know we are all related down here.
I
am not so overwhelmed at work now. Earlier I was feeling
a sense of dread as all the unorganized tasks were coming
down on me, but today's meeting alleviated part of that
problem.
I
have a big crush on this red headed guy that works over
in IT so whenever I see him I try not to act like an idiot.
Trouble is that I rarely see him but he is so fucking smart
and that just makes my blood boil for some reason. Plus
he is just a little bit cocky and grrr... uh...
I
feel myself getting the vapors...(not like I have really
ever seen Gone With the Wind)
Anyways...
he would probably never notice me and I am sick of chasing
guys, dammit.
Sigh...
I have to go to another meeting but at least now I am not
so overwhelmed.
Thank
God for aerobics... I finally went last night and worked
my ass off. Oh shit... I don't have an ass. I hate that
all my weight is centrally located but I guess that can
be an advantage.
Jason
Clark, a co-worker just told me that the derriere is just
a novelty and you can't really do anything with it and if
you can believe it, I just flushed right into a blush because
the objects that are more centrally located... well, you
can do more...
I
think by summer I may even get to wear a bikini.
Every
fucking muscle in my body is sore because she changed the
routine over the three weeks I was gone and it was especially
grueling. I love aerobics, I can't help it I just do. There
is no better way to get this sexual frustration I have been
feeling lately out then by pushing my ass harder, and I
can tell my body is becoming more streamlined, which is
strange for me.
Well...
I have to go to class now. Do zaftra.
Thursday, February 18, 1999
I don't
have any time to update this... I have to go to aerobics
now...
All
I have to say is last night was one of the coolest nights
of my life and a testament that I have really great friends
because I was with Margaret and Jacinta and Elena and they
all come from radically different cultures; Latin America,
Southern, and Russian. We got along so magnificently.
The
worst thing going on in my life at this current time is
the phone bill, and I think if that's the worst thing that
can go wrong with my life this month, then I am a very happy
camper...
Friday, February 19, 1999
How
do you tell a man he needs to get laid?
I
read some kind of article in Maxim last month that
was "When to tell your best friend he needs to get laid."
How does a straight woman tell a straight guy "honey, you
need to go get fucked?"
When
I am famous, I will only date porn stars or pro wrestlers.
A
girl has to have her standards.
I
was watching wrestling with my grandfather, as I have most
of my life, last time I was in Danville and there was some
German dude skipping and hopping on the mat like it was
nobody's business and I thought to myself "Mmmm mmmm...
yummy. I would like one of those to go... if a man can do
gymnastics for a living..." I just won't get started on
that.
I think
they are getting sick of me here at work. Maybe not all
the designers but they are not used to me being here all
the time and I am taking up space on a communal computer
and it's driving most of them batty. Plus you know... I
have that Cathy Clay attitude right now and I need it fucked
out of me.
Trouble
is I am entering a phase in my life where I am sick of being
with jerks. If you are going to use me for sex, dammit use
me for sex and if you want some kind of commitment... well,
I am all for commitment, but for now I want to explore my
options and see what kind of people are out there.
I
have to go pick up Liuda's I-20. I think she is actually
going to get to come!!!!
Sunday, February 21, 1999
Isn't
it cool when life takes the unexpected turn?
I
keep thinking that maybe tomorrow I will wake up, and my
world is going to crash again, but I know that isn't true.
My
computer is still on the fritz. The wire on the power supply
is gone and they didn't replace it. I was hoping that maybe
I could sit on my ass this weekend and do some work, but
I have only gone out and had fun since Friday.
There
is so much going on right now that I can barely keep my
head up and my fingers wagging. I need to go to the grocery
store now anyway.
Yesterday
was a wonderful evening or day or just experience. I told
Elena we had to go to my nephew's birthday party and we
had to be there at two but we didn't have to be there until
three. It took us forever to get ready so by the time we
showed up, we were early, but I didn't tell her that.
Granny
and Pop were there and Pop was being so funny. It's funny
how he is in such a good mood and how humorous he is. I
think I get part of my sense of humor from him, and if that's
the case, then I am really fucking happy that I have that
piece of him in me.
We
went from there to go out with one of Lena's friends that
met us at Oliver's and then took us to Oldenburg.
Then we met up with Jacinta and some of her friend's at
Molly Malone's.
It
totally rocked and I ran into one of the guys my sister
in law used to fuck and we sat around and talked about how
she and my brother both deserve one another because they
are both shallow empty people that deserve to be happy in
that shallow, empty way.
I
just wish he knew how sick my brother is so he could fully
appreciate the talent it took to bring them back together.
But
that was an miniscule part of the evening, but one of the
most humorous.
The
best part of last night was talking with Jacinta. She came
back to my place and ate some food and then we just kept
on talking until she was finally ready to go and she got
up to leave and said if she had a place to put her contacts
she would spend the night so I found her a cup and we ended
up talking about all different kinds of things.
I
told her how I don't talk to Priscilla anymore and I feel
kind of bad about that but she said a bunch of shit that
hurt my feelings when mom died. I understood she was fucked
up because she was ending a relationship and all and Jacinta
told me that she probably didn't want to deal with me and
my problems because she was so wrapped up in her own.
We
talked about her and her boyfriend and I asked her if she
felt like the emotional relationship was worth it. I also
explained to her that now that mom was dead, it's very important
to me to have those emotional relationships where everything
is somewhat stable and I told her I couldn't afford to lose
her emotionally.
And
I can't. I can't imagine not being her friend forever, she
is too interesting and we have so much in common while we
are so different as well. I think these are the best kinds
of friends you could have because I know people look at
us and hear me say something and look at her and see how
proper and beautiful she is and sometimes wonder how we
can be such good friends.
I
appreciate her a lot more now then I ever have and I keep
telling her that but I am not sure she is convinced which
brings me to something Lena and I have discussing. Lena
is stuck here without her boyfriend and she is hopefully
going to go home next month. She is about to die. We have
been talking about the differences between men and women
and I like how in Russia the roles are more clearly defined.
I
asked her if she was worried if he would not love her when
she goes back and she looked at me and told me "It is nothing
to change a man's heart, but usually it is the woman that
changes her mind."
Then
she asked me "would you rather give your love to anybody
or would you rather someone love you first?"
Monday,
February 22, 1999
I
looked at him with the biggest fucking smile and said "no,
my mother died."
Don't
you fucking hate men sometimes? I mean this asshole looked
at me and said "Did your daddy buy it (my Leica)?"
I
should have answered him, "No, my pussy is lined with gold
so I get whatever the fuck I want."
What
a pompous asshole.
I
just got an ICQ with WHY WHY WHY? (did I do the uncontrollable
cunt).
Because
I can.
Then
I got a lovely lady (she didn't leave her e-mail so her
entry was deleted. Look, if I have the ovaries to say what
I think and attach my fucking name to it, then extend me
the courtesy of leaving yours) that tried to sign my guestbook
and tell me a thing or two about how when people aren't
sexually active they usually aren't getting any.
Have
you ever fucked so much that your cunt or cock was sore?
I have, it was this past summer in Amsterdam. I met Keir
in Amsterdam and the first thing we did after we dropped
my things off at his parents boat was find a motel and fuck
our brains out.
As
soon as she showed us the room and I said "we'll take it."
He went down to the street and got me some water (which
is so fucking awesome) and as soon as he got back I reached
behind him and took him in my hand and we were all over
the place. He made me come just a little and he thought
that was the extent of what it was to female ejaculate and
then I started coming in waves.
We
fucked so much that week. We would walk around Amsterdam,
come back to the hotel and fuck. Wake up and fuck. Fuck
in the middle of the night. We were fucking fools. We were
both so fucking sore and still we would fuck. Go check out
the live sex show, go to a porn theater and then come back
and fuck.
I
have never been fucked so hard and long by someone with
such an amazing cock in my entire life. So maybe I am not
getting any great sex now, but I now know how it feels to
fuck yourself into a friction burn. I can't believe we kept
fucking. I mean there was a point where we were trying to
not touch one another and there we would be, fucking all
over again and it hurt too.
You
would think I had enough sex to last me the rest of my life,
but after that... I wanted more and more and more.
There
is no doubt in my mind I am a nymphomaniac, and I think
it's a good thing because every once in a while a man needs
someone that just enjoys fucking for fucking sake.
I
wish we could put all the people that aren't comfortable
with their bodies and all the men that feel the same in
their own little state so that all of us that like fucking
a lot can just go about their own damn business fucking
their lives away.
My
definition of work: a place you come to check your e-mail
when your computer is down.
Oh,
I have to plug Joe's new
site. He's going to be a rock star.
Did
you know Gene Siskel died this week? I found out just last
night. It made me a little sad because I don't particularly
care for Roger Ebert. I always wanted to see Gene body Slam
Roger. He probably died of cancer.
Tuesday,
February 23, 1999
Some
guy told me I was offensive. Fuck you. I swear to God that
people that are easily offended by some of the things I
dare put into writing then you fucking offend me with your
fucking narrow ass mind.
I
make fun of myself a lot. I do it so no one can really say
anything to offend me, although I am entering a phase in
life where I love to constantly blush. Isn't that funny?
Catherine Clay blushes. There should be a headline and all
the people that can accomplish this feat should get an award.
Anyways,
I am sorry... fuck that, Syndy and Zack told me that if
I apologized for being a cunt on our trip one more time
they were... going to tie me to the front of the car with
my legs splayed all the way open so I could get some fresh
air in my cunt.
You
know what cracks me up?
You
never know when you open your doors to someone how they
are going to react or just exactly what they have come from.
Everyday
I am around Elena and I learn something different about
her I just have a greater appreciation for her.
There
is nothing more I hate in this world then to listen to an
American bitch about money. I have felt this way ever since
I returned from Russia the first time and now I feel it
even stronger since I was there when the fucking market
crashed.
Elena
has her own business with her boyfriend in Volgograd. It's
a sports bar. To run a business in Russia... If you thought
the market falling was bad then you have no idea just how
fucked the infrastructure inside that country is. Regulations
for regulations for regulations. It's all a bunch of bullshit.
Plus
when you own your own business in Russia, you get to be
rather intimate with the Mob in the way that a woman is
raped by someone she knows.
All
that aside... when the market fell this summer, she and
her boyfriend lost over 20K. 20 fucking thousand dollars.
What
would you do if everything you had scrimped and saved for
personal use or business use was suddenly devalued to almost
nothing?
I
know money isn't everything, but it does allow you a certain
amount of freedom.
So
what did Elena do when everything fell apart? Did she sit
on her ass and mope, for a while she did. Did she do something
incredibly stupid like go out and lease a new Porsche? Fuck
no, it's Russia. If you don't have the cold hard cash, you
haven't got shit.
She
came to America. She found a way to try to pick herself
back up from all the heartache and loss she has suffered,
her country is in turmoil, her boyfriend is far away and
so is her family.
She
came here with $300.
Can
you fucking imagine? And then she lived with a horrible
woman that treated her badly. I found out that that fucking
cunt paid for her plane ticket here but didn't provide her
with a round-trip ticket.
What
kind of fuck up human being would do such a thing?
Sometimes
I fell like my tits are too big.
Yesterday
after work I went home and Elena was waking up. I called
Andy from here and told him to take us out. Kevin shows
up in his kick ass black something or other car that goes
really fast, and that's all that really matters to me.
We
went so fast, I was just squealing like a little girl with
delight.
They
took us out to Tumbleweed for 99 cent marguritas.
Kevin told me all kinds of news. Like when I went to their
Christmas party I told the president of the company to "get
the fuck out of my seat."
I
didn't know who the hell he was, and I am sorry, I just
don't play those kinds of respect me because I have the
corporate penis games. He was sitting in my fucking
chair, my coat and everything was there. Hello... I'm a
lady, god dammit, treat me with the respect I deserve!
We
sat around and talked for a while. I drank 2 marguritas.
Then he took us home because Elena had to do homework. Jacinta
called and said there was a surprise birthday party for
Usie, Sabel's boyfriend. Usie is from Finland and Sabel
is Turkish. There were people from France, Spain, Germany,
and Latin American countries.
I
like hanging out with the International group. They are
more open to ideas.
On
my way to the party I almost ran over Natasha. She was walking
home from one of her friend's houses. She was a sight for
sore eyes and I got some bitching about why I didn't go
to see her parents when I was in Moscow. Fuck, now I am
starting to write like I have to speak to Elena. I want
to talk more slangy with her, but she can't get it all right
now.
It's
funny how we perfectly understand one another.
I
love Jacinta. She is so fucking cool. A big group of us
are planning on going to Florida for Spring Break. I have
to finish my SCUBA certification along with Marie (French).
Everyone
wants me to do photos of them now and I am just like...
what the fuck ever. I explained last night to Elena that
if I don't think the person has a pretty personality, then
I just can't take a photo that is worth a damn, to me.
I
didn't go to sleep until 2:30 and I woke up with a horrendous
pain that only a sinus infection can bring on. I looked
at the clock and it was 7:30 and I called out "devoshka"
and Elena was not happy because she overslept.
She
got her first checks in the mail and I had to drop my kitty
off this morning to have his teeth cleaned. He hasn't been
eating hard food and I don't want to feed him soft food
the rest of his life so his teeth rot out so he is having
his teeth cleaned and the one that broke grinded. Plus all
his shots.
I
fucking hate having a sinus infection.
Wednesday,
February 24, 1999
So...
the sky is yellow today. It warmed up enough for all the
freshly falling, sticking snow to melt, and it's a lot warmer
today then it was yesterday, and when the barometer changes
so drastically it usually is indicative of tornado weather.
My
sinuses are feeling the effects of this natural phenomena
today.
I
am feeling rather like my brain is clouded.
I
am not being a very good friend today. From where I am so
exhausted and yucky, I am not listening to much.
Elizabeth
gets here on Friday. I didn't give her a Christmas present
and I feel kind of bad. I am really bad about sending stuff
off. I just now sent off some photos I did of Roman and
that was from summer.
I
haven't sent anybody any photos except via e-mail from California.
I need to get on the ball. I hope to be caught up with everything
soon. Or as caught up as I can be.
I
have to write a 2 page paper for SCUBA class. We are going
down to Florida for Spring Break to be certified, but I
think I have already mentioned that. I'm hoping to go to
Turkey this summer and naturally back to Russia. I really
really want to go to Siberia. I think this is the last summer
I will get to travel in this manner unless I can start selling
my photos.
I
am starting to think that this year I might have a graduation
party. I know I was suppose to graduate last May, but I
just couldn't get out of my funk. Plus there are other girls
that are going to have one.
Actually,
I am thinking about throwing a little party. I would like
to rent a hall and have everyone dress up however they wanted
and just have a ton of people there. I think I am going
to do it when Liuda is here.
Zack
is designing a site for our trip. I have already made a
directory and scanned in a number of images so I am going
to use his words with my visuals. I should send him the
video so he can take video transfers. Or maybe I will just
go and have it copied.
I
need to make a list of things I need to be doing, one of
them is printing some of my photographs.
Thursday, February 25, 1999
I
am in such a foul fucking mood now.
I'm
sick of hearing Elena bitch about her problems. In the wise
words of Tanya Johnson once people perceive you as a strong
woman they never give you the opportunity to be weak.
And
it's not just her. It's everyone right now.
I
have been through a whole fucking lot, but I am not a bitch
about that kind of shit because even when I was a young
girl and my dad was abusing the shit out of me, I still
had to go to school and act like I was everyone else.
I
also decided back then that I would never use my anger as
a weapon to hurt people I care about. This leaves me at
a disadvantage today because now I don't know how to deal
with these feeling of being taken advantage of besides welling
up and getting angry.
Now
I have to learn how to deal with my anger and try not to
hurt other people's feelings in the process.
Perhaps
it's that I don't feel appreciated. Part of this comes from
being a Clay and I know it.
I
wish I could eradicate anger from my emotional well-being,
but then all that would be left to feel would be rage, and
I don't think feeling that way is very healthy.
I
also think that if you give people an inch to go on, they
will take it a fucking mile. I hate when I tell someone
what I think and they ignore it.
I
also can't stand when people don't want to know or don't
care to know my birthday. My fucking birthday matters more
to me then anything and last night Dan didn't want to know
it. It's not like it's all that fucking hard to forget,
either, since I was born on Marylin Monroe's birthday.
Maybe
I am just being overtly sensitive because I am coughing
up chunks of my lungs bit by bit today.
Maybe
I am just going mad. I don't know how to deal with being
angry and it's very hard to learn once you are an adult.
I
made fried chicken last night for 6 people. It was just
suppose to be 3 but I got an e-mail from Dan and invited
him over and then I called Jacinta to come by and then Allege
from Brazil came over to see Elena.
Jacinta
told me how much she missed my cooking and it made me feel
so good.
I
made mashed potatoes and gravy, it was all very yummy. I
put smoked Gouda cheese in my potatoes and they are so full
of flavor, it's as if they have a life of their own.
Elena
was trying to sell me to Dan more and I hate that. I am
not ready to be married and I don't even want to commit
to a man that does care to know when my fucking birthday
is.
I
know guys have dumb brains so they can't remember certain
dates, but that is such a crock because usually when I don't
want to know something, I really don't care about it and
maybe I am just projecting. But I don't care if I am because
my birthday means something to me now... more then it ever
did before.
Maybe
I am just mad because... I like to believe in astrology,
even though I know the stars aren't properly mapped and
there are really like 15 star signs in the sky. I don't
care, it makes me feel good and it gives me a good laugh
every once in a while.
Maybe
I am feeling like a Christian when I tell them religion
sucks and I don't believe in that shit. But then I have
had Christianity shoved down my throat since I was born.
Not necessarily by my parents, because after the divorce
we only went to church to get food.
My
mom belonged to an Episcopalian church... she took us to
all the different churches in Crestwood and the Episcopalian
church was the only one that served food after the service
and since we didn't have any money to get cereal... it was
a welcome change to have all kinds of sweet confections
at our disposal.
Mom
would want to sleep more and more and the church was always
trying to get her to give more money, so she quit going.
I still wanted to go to Sunday school. I remember when I
finally out did my brother in something and it was learning
the Our Father prayer.
We
pasted cut-out circles we had colored with the prayer on
to a yellow ribbon like piece of paper. It delighted me
so much and I felt even more special because I had more
circles on my ribbon then my brother.
That's
about the only good memory I have of bing in church. All
the rest was political bullshit. I quit going to my grandparents
church the day I heard the pastor say "All Jews are going
to Hell because they don't believe in Jesus Christ."
What
a fucking crock of shit.
I
even got into an argument with my grandmother about it and
then I realized that some people need that structure in
their lives.
Last
night in class PhD. Kloner was talking about how people
need that rigidity and structure in their lives, that relying
upon the imagination was just too much for them.
I
don't think it will ever work between Dan and me because
he is not imaginative enough. And he's not very flexible.
I think Syndy was right, one of the most important characteristics
a person can have is flexibility.
The
more I listen to PhD. Ziegler, the more I appreciate him
because I was wrong in my assessment of him last year, he's
a brilliant man too. I am glad I got the opportunity to
re-evaluate him because this time around I can appreciate
him more.
I
also realized last night that we need to share what it means
to be human with other humans. People that bottle up their
emotions, like I used to do, feel like they are missing
out on something because they don't share.
That
totally perplexes me when I listen to people and what they
are saying why they don't like people being like I am because
they are afraid of expressing themselves in a manner which
isn't always socially accepted. You can't live your life
like that or you will always be miserable and bitching because
you aren't sharing yourself with other people and understanding
that you aren't so crazy.
I
just got an apology for the birthday thing.
Maybe
I just take things way too seriously. I try not to but I
can't help it and I usually listen to everything someone
is telling me.
When
we were on vacation, one of the first things Syndy said
to Colleen was "Don't tell Cathy you want to do something
unless you really want to do it because she takes everything
seriously."
Maybe
I am just overly sensitive and I take the Golden Rule to
extremes. One of the things my dad use to lecture us on
always was that we needed to treat other people like they
treated us, and I guess since he preached this sermon so
much, I took it to heart.
Maybe
that's why I want to hurt him so much now so he understands
how much he hurt me. I don't want to think that way, that
I am treating him just as he treated me, but he really had
the opportunity to be something great in my life and he
chose to be a selfish prick and I don't respect him for
that.
Fuck
him. I want to talk about good things.
So,
I got rid of some of this sexual frustration last night.
I don't have much privacy now so we ended up going out on
the steps of my apartment building.
I
live in a historic house so the stairway is really nice
and I thanked him when he was done because I know I needed
to be serviced very badly.
Friday, February 26, 1999
One
and a half cans of Ravoli. I am so hungry.
I
am at home. I am glad to be here. Jason came up behind me
yesterday at work and told me he was in charge of watching
me. That really pissed me the fuck off because how I work
and stuff is none of his fucking business. I have worked
there a lot longer and fuck that shit. I hate when people
stand behind me and tell me what to do. I would rather not
do it.
That's
one thing... I wish I could be more affectionate. I like
being touched by Dale, but I haven't really felt that way
with many other men. I do not see myself as an affectionate
person. My dad never let us kiss him on the lips so I thought
kissing was dirty. Then Andy and I both got Mono and he
wouldn't kiss me (even though I had it) but he had no problem
fucking me. I never understood his thinking on that. His
mommy told him not to kiss me so he fucked me instead.
I
just don't get it. Anyways, ever since then, I haven't been
too keen on kissing. I wish I could. I am glad I can still
learn.
I
paid 68 cents for a gallon of gas yesterday. I couldn't
believe it.
I
have to go now...
