Wednesday
August 1, 2001
At the
end of this month it will be 4 years. How fucked up is that?
It's nice to know that I have lasted longer than many of the
dotcoms in which I was employed. Starting 5 years. Wow.
It's nice
to have time frames and markers so that I know where I have
been and get a better idea of where I am going.
It's a
GORGEOUS day today. My husband is sleeping next to me because
I traumatized his poor body by stopping in the middle of sex
and telling him I was done. I think maybe there might be a thing
to this porno thing after all. I am so sick of being broke.
We could do a cam and make something.
So I am
going to be working on a massive site re-design as well.
Since
Florent has been thinking about the differences in culture it's
interesting to remark on the differences and subbltites. He
says that Americans weren't really taught the aspect of love
and that most people express love through sex. Or that people
didn't know how to express it.
I am watching
a tape my mother made that has the 4th Protocol on it. She is
flipping channels between some guy playing a piano, HBO, Space
Balls ohhh and now a helicopter! Now we are watching a special
on Venice, which was her favorite city.This is about how Lord
Byron saw the world. Funny to look at this stuff so many years
later and have an insight into my mother.
I feel
like all of a sudden... Jenny is here so I am going to go play!
Thursday
August 2, 2001
We got
into a fight today about a fucking static IP. He told me the
other day that it was "just $20." I was just like "whatever".
I listened
and it was for 5 and I went ballistic. "How in the fuck are
you planning on paying for this? We are broke! We can't AFFORD
it."
It escalated.
I made him feel really bad. He went into the other room and
I was talking on the phone with Andy about the benefits of having
a static IP because Andy knows how to do it WITHOUT paying for
a static IP. I heard his fit of anger. He likes to kick and
punch things and then all of a sudden he was crying. I went
in there, his body bent on the floor and I lost it again.
4 hours
later, a trip to the hospital that we can not afford, x-rays
lots of love and tenderness mixed with "I don't want to do this
anymore" and two broken fingers later I am sitting here not
knowing what to think or what to do.
Stay married
because Love... oh love. It is the ultimate answer to everything,
right? Or get over it and move on. I think I will have a snickers
bar and go to sleep because right now I feel like I am raising
a child.
* * *
We did
some research on the Internet and I found this to be very interesting:
What most adult children from dysfunctional families have is
a very long response time to their feelings. They had a feeling
on July 13th, 1993. It finally hits them on July 20th, 2007.
When it does, someone is going to get hit by that feeling, either
verbally or physically. Once you clear your body out of more
and more grief and anger, disappointment and frustration, then
there is more room for current feelings to be felt and expressed.
I can
identify with these feelings. Kevin used to get pissed at me
because it took me so long to react to him and being a dick.
That's because I have put my anger so far away in so many ways
that in order to express it without coming out hateful I waited
until it was nice. Sometimes...
I can
totally identify with this one:
John: Your
partner leaves and, boy, your world stops, you can't eat and you
just feel like dying. That departure created a hole where the
memories, feelings and pain of all your past losses and departures
never felt, start rushing through. What most men tend to do then
is try to get that lover to come back so the pain will stop. Or
they'll go get another lover real quick to make the pain stop.
Or, instead of going into the pain, grieving it, getting angry
about the losses and emptying it out, they'll throw themselves
into work or other addictive processes until the hole seals up.
There
are two main ones. One is the intellectual bypass and the other
is the spiritual bypass. The intellectual bypass, in a nutshell,
is when men say, "I should be able to figure this out. I'm an
educated man. What's the matter with me, going into such a base9
emotion?" Psychologists even tell us anger is a "negative" emotion,
which is not true. And so, "If I can figure this out, read enough
books, do enough cerebral work, then I shouldn't have to feel
this emotion that is so primitive9 and unsophisticated."
I wonder
to myself if the split between being angry at a mother verses
a father doesn't have to do with the sperm entering the egg
in a violent explosion. I am sure that all children know this
is where they come from and it's the father's genes that the
children rebel against.
Hmmmm....
Friday
August 3, 2001
My mother
used to rent rooms in her house when she was destitute. $50
a week or $200 a month. This isn't my house but I feel like
she did, showing the rooms and getting a new room mate to replace
Jen.
Her bedroom
was the master bedroom with 3 closets. My father divorced her
right after the house was built. I think about things more and
more and realize what a total fucking idiot he was but also
thankful that we went through what we did although parts of
me still wished we had a relationship.
Florent's
mother is bitching about everything. How can he stay here if
he goes home he needs to go to the Army, he broke his fingers?
What is that going to look like for the wedding (we can't afford
to go to)?
Sunday
August 5, 2001
26 hours
and no sleep. We stayed at the county hospital for 12 hours
waiting to mend Florent's hand. I'm so fucking exhausted. Then
Jen and I ran around on the beach and I had on that Fuck t-shirt
I bought for Andy in the Czech Republic.
I don't
think the Hira Krishna appreciated my look too much but a lot
of guys sure did...
zzzzzzzzzzzzzz........
Monday
August 6, 2001
I just
had a heart attack. I looked at the stats on my female ejaculation
page and I get over 1,500 hits a week on that bitch. I have
no fucking clue.
I guess
I know which page I need to change next.
I have
some updating to do and sleep to catch up on.
Tonight
was a magical night though. The rent is paid. Our room mate
is staying on until the end of the month. My husband is fixed
and we are falling back in love with one another. I can't help
myself. He looks so damn cute with a cast on.
Jen was
making fun of me earlier. She was telling me how I was his bad
luck which I kind of feel like because before he met me he never
hurt himself that bad. But I think he has always been sickly.
I am getting
my shit together. I made our business cards today. They are
totally fucking cool. I have to bust my ass on Ori's site, help
Florent get that site done now and then we will be doing really
great.
I have
to go pick up my book tomorrow. I give up on trying to find
a "real" job now. Fuck it I am just going to charge on to work
for myself. I would rather invest money in us and building our
company than spending it on shit.
I found
out my credit isn't as bad as I imagined.
All in
all life is going great right now.
I saw
my first gunshot wound. It looked like an itty bitty hole with
some pink cauliflower coming through. That was really weird
and to hear the guy tell the story about how he was shot on
the freeway was really fucked up. He claimed he wasn't a gang
banger but later on in the car Florent said "If you cut your
hair like a gang banger, if you dress like a gang banger, if
you drive a car like a gang banger... chances are you are a
gang banger or really stupid. "
I just
laughed and said "Oh my god, you are so right."
It's back
to having sex with a cast on his arm. He has these two metal
things sticking out around his finger and I am just dreading
the first time I hit them. And now he is talking more seriously
about going to France and I am just like "whatever".
"You are
going to travel internationally with your fingers looking like
that?" I say to him.
Unless
there is an intervention from God or something I don't know
how in the hell we are both going to get to go to France for
his cousin's wedding. I don't really want to go even though
everyone is telling me I should. He's afraid everyone is going
to freak out. I don't think they will.
My skinny
jeans are a loose. It's kind of weird to watch my body change
like this.
Tuesday
August 7, 2001
I have
an interview on Thursday. I can't wait. I am so excited. It's
to do a site dealing with surgery. Endoscopy. I hope to God
I get it.
So right
now I am catching up on a few things... and I found out my web
page on female ejaculation is getting like 200 hits a day so
I am going to spend some time fixing that shit up.
Wednesday
August 8, 2001
I have
a job with a real company hopefully in the next week. I am going
to study my ass off to make sure that I get this job. I am going
insane. I don't want to declare bankruptcy. I have to fight
my way out of this and I have to work my ass off to get this
job. I have got so much to brush up on.
Thursday
August 9, 2001
I start
a free lance job tomorrow. I need to brush my teeth now. I cleaned
the house all day. I think I need to go finish those business
cards right now so that I can say I finished something.
I can't
figure out how to fix this fucking form so with a little help
from Joey I posted to alt.perl and hopefully I can get some
help with that.
He says
he posts there all the time and says the guys hope that you
will have sex with them for helping you out when you are a girl.
Florent is too consumed with other things and I honestly can't
wait to start working.
It's not
a permanent gig. He said it was just temp until they figure
out what to do with me. Which is fine by me since I told him
I was interviewing at other places. I wish they would have started
me a week ago.
I needed
to study a lot over this week but I guess it's better to just
move stuff over. I need to start an art piece for laladada and a few other bits and pieces.
Fuck...
Part of
me feels like sitting here and writing the damn thing myself
but the other part of me is like fuck it. I don't want to waste
the energy.
I can't
stand it... I have been cleaning all fucking day and I want
to get out of the house even if it is after dark.
Friday
August 10, 2001
YEA! I'm
working in Beverly Hills starting tomorrow. I am so happy you
just can't imagine. I have an interview on Wednesday. It's finally
starting to happen.
I came
home tonight, smoked a bowl in celebration, bought some Thai
food and ironed all my work clothes for the next week. I am
so happy I could squeal.
I'll have
enough for rent now and my car payment and hopefully dig myself
out of debt a little more. I am rather proud of myself. I hope
I get it all together and actually start feeling like I am doing
something fun.
I interviewed
a chick to move in here but I don't know. Florent didn't like
her voice and she just pulled her scissors out and started trimming
my hair. I felt kind of awkward but she was so confident. I
don't know, we will see.
I spent
the last two days cleaning cleaning cleaning. Our clothes are
clean and now everything is better organized. Florent is humping
the bed right now.
Sometimes
all I ever want to write about is fucking and how it feels to
have him inside of me. Ut-oh. He is twitching his jelly bean
butt. He looks so funny with his fingers in their cast. I smell
yummy because I just took a bath.
It was
weird walking around Beverly Hills and thinking I was going
to be working there for a while. This may be something permanent
but we will see.
Shit I
am tired and I don't know what I am going to take with me to
eat. I have a LaLaDaDa meeting this weekend and next weekend
I have a Lomo contest to go to. I am thrilled.
Josh is
back from the land of Milk and Honey and I am relieved.
So now
I need to brush my teeth and go to bed because I am going to
work tomorrow.
Sunday
August 12, 2001
We are
watching the Bad Lituenient and there is a scene that
Florent studied in Paris and he is pissed because it's missing
from the American version.
"I don't
know if I can stay in this country because the movies are so
bad!"
"I'm so
pissed off."
We made
some juicy steak last night. It marinated for a couple of days
so it was tender but today we are thirsty.
I went
to go to a LaLaDaDa meeting but I guess I missed it.
Monday
August 13, 2001
I think
it's about time I started doing porn. I don't care anymore.
At least that way I know I am getting fucked in the way I like
to be fucked.
So we
are thinking about leaving again. Our room mates are both leaving
so it would be nice to find a cheaper place. I don't want to
be here anymore. Jen got her passport today. She's leaving.
I had a SHITTY day at "work".
I am fed
up with everything.
Tuesday
August 14, 2001
And it's
a record! 2.5 days! Another one bits the dust, uh.
Geoff
is right. I should stick to taking photos. It's what I truly
love because I can't stop BITCHING about this shit.
I could
smell the embers of the newly awaiting dot bomb when the other
day the moniter on the shitty computer I was working on started
to slowly sizzle and fry. My boss loved to say degrading little
things to me on a daily basis. What an abusive prick.
Yesterday
he asked me if I had a cell phone and I told him "No, I don't
want the brain damage I've already had brain surgery."
And he
said something to the effect that I was indeed brain damaged.
He would
take little barbs and just say mean shit all the time. Ah yes,
the boss of a smoldering dot bomb. Like a drug over lord. Someone
that has to create problems in his life because he is just too
fucking bored and has become so cynically at the tender age
of 38 with a waiting to happen dot bomb and a shitty movie.
I guess
I would be sad too if I knew every time I talked about my movie
people only remembered who was in it more than the plot. Just
one look at that failure really led me to realize that there
is just one big one waiting to come.
So naturally
I defended myself against his barbs and even dug back. I can
be such a cunt sometimes. I think my favorite was when he was
sitting in the lead developer's chair and he came in from a
walk and was like "what are you doing in my chair" and I kindly
responded "he's wishing he was you."
I guess
if I was an angry bitter fucked up bastard I wouldn't have taken
kindly to those words either.
Then again
maybe I was just being cynical because I knew from the sweat-shop
appearance that the soon to be dot bomb was sure to fail. Hollywood
just isn't ready for the net. We need a couple of million baby
boomers to die in order to bleed them off the planet.
I loved
being reminded every day that I was just lucky to have a job.
HAHAHAHAHA... and I knew I had an interview tomorrow so I didn't
take any of that seriously.
Ah yes...
and it was indeed a Microshit office environment. Where my interview
tomorrow will be with some Unix guys and I will be using fun
things like PHP.
Enough
bad feelings.
Wednesday
August 15, 2001
I wanted
to write something beautiful. I wanted to write something amazing.
I wanted to be all that I could be but the system won't let
me.
Shit...
Shit... I had !2! interviews today. One with a biggie. One with
a little one so I think I am going to spend the next couple
of days working on Flash instead of pouring my heart out.
I think
there might be a chance I can get this job, still. If I work
my ass off in the next few days I think I can design something
unique and beautiful that will get me hired.
So...
it was fun watching Sean, my soon to be boss, playing with gallerywholesale.com.
He kept looking at thing and watching them spin. That made me
happy.
The other
job was for a Junior Sys Admin job which I am sure I would be
perfect for since I am such a cunt.
Up and
down I have been these past couple of days, killing Florent.
I spent all night last night in my bed, crying because I am
so scared about not paying the rent, my room mates leaving,
finding new ones by September, Jen leaving for Europe, Florent
going back to France, and me being unemployed.
God...
I have hit bottom. I was floating before. Florent has money
to get in France so that's kind of a relief and I still have
a little bitty bit so it's not the worst situation. I am nervous.
And scared though. And my self esteem is a little shaken but...
such is life.
How to
recognize an Internet sweat shop. By Catherine E Clay.
The typical
Internet sweat shops when you walk in the door do not have desks
but shitty computers that are more outdated than my Mac. (Florent
just stuck the air thing down his cast and made a funny laugh).
Florent just built a computer for 400 bucks and I am sure these
pieces of shit these people work on cost a grand and don't have
near the power one that you make yourself does.
I have
the power to change my life. I am a good person. During the
interview he asked me what my faults were and I didn't know
how to respond. My husband always tells me I am beautiful, that
I am an angel and he rarely tells me negative things but he
does like to bitch.
I think
I am one of the most awesome people on the planet. I like to
think that I can do anything and live any way. I finally realized
that my life long goal was not to have a house in 90210 land.
Who fucking cares? I can get a PO box and that is enough.
I don't
think my main goal in life is to live from pay check to paycheck
and have a place anywhere in the world. Nope, that is not my
thang. I am sick of freaking out like a banshee on the 15th
each month. Life is much too short.
I think
I needed to cry yesterday. I have been so tired from not having
something else to do that I am going crazy. Steady job, pay
off some bills, and maybe a baby? God... Florent is too young.
Thursday
August 16, 2001
I laid
in the sunlight, just feeling the warmth enveloping my body.
What joy that brought me. Met a cool director today named Fernando.
He did a documentary on burning man.
He was
trying to just say as minimally as possible because English
always gets him in trouble in his relationships. He says that
when he speaks French or Spanish with her that things are just
that much nicer.
Let things
go, remember the past but don't lose site of the future. That's
my attitude these days. I will pray to let more people come
into my life. I will pray that good things come my way because
I really need to cash in some good karma right now.
If I believed
strongly enough that good things were going to start happening
to me right away would it be that fast?
How do
I seek out the things that I need to make my life feel like
it's more complete instead of worrying about the every day necessities
of life?
Focus
Focus focus. I can do this thing. I can be who I want to be
I just need to get that glimmer back.
Friday
August 17, 2001
My mother's
dog died last night and Jenna's come out here on the 3rd.
I am sooooooo
happy I could squeal with delight.
I was
starting to get kinda blue when she called and she booked her
ticket immediately. Now I have a reason to be totally psyched
and I guess that's all the good karma I need right now. "Dude
I am buff and my hair is long again."
God I
can't wait to be around her. Now I have something to be delighted
about!
Saturday
August 18, 2001
We stop
at the top of the bridge and I feel like I am stuck on a carnival
ride. We aren't moving forward, just lingering, waiting for
the traffic to snake by so that we can make our decent.
I feel
like I am rushing rushing rushing forward into something that
I am not sure what is. Life is moving in a direction...
It was
hot at the Sunset Junction. Hotter than fuck. I thought I would
melt away and there would be nothing left. I took the Lomo a-z
challenge.
The best
news was that I found Coco from Chicago. I was hoping in this
massive city we would run day run into one another and we finally
did.
I am too
tired to stay awake because I am burnt by the sun and I need
to sleep.
Monday
August 20, 2001
I take
a breath of stale air and realize that my life is going no where.
I can't enjoy the free time that I will miss when I start working
because as my heart beats and my situations suffocate me I find
no relief until the one day is reached.
On the
up side I am putting together a Lomo book. I will be in Europe
when Jen is over there no matter what. I will do something with
my life. I was thinking that it would be great to have a job
taking photos and doing things when I started to realize that
maybe, just maybe this little Lomo is the answer.
Maybe
just maybe they might afford me the luxury of being Ms. Lomo
Universe. I like the sound of that. I like the idea of being
Ms. Universe of something and if this is it I am all for it.
I dream about being something where I can go around the world
taking photos. I counted and I already have like 4 different
countries for my album and about 4 major US cities. This tickles
me to death.
We got
our refund in the mail from the US government today which tickles
me along with other monies. We aren't destitute right now. If
we have to, we can pay the rent all by ourselves. But then insurance
is now, 2 car payments, a credit card payment.
I feel
like I am actually getting my shit together. I wasn't very happy
this weekend because I am suffocated by all this shit.
I am the
second person in the running for a job at Karl Storz. Tanya
says that I need to worry about myself and let Florent worry
about himself. And I know she is right but I feel like I am
the only one putting into this relationship at times. Maybe
I am completely wrong. Maybe he is going all he can do and that's
all I should expect of him.
I dunno.
I keep feeling like things are going to change between us, that
his caresses and tenderness won't last forever and that this
life we were trying to build together has been slowly falling
apart. Maybe I'm just being my overtly optimistic self.
Tuesday
August 21, 2001
90 degree
turn. We won a contest to stay at Ramada Inn anywhere they have
a place for free! (of coarse there is always a catch). We have
to watch this video and then we are in the drawing to win either
$100, a hand-held TV, a cruise, a vacation for 5 days in Hawaii,
a car or 25K.
Please
let us win the 25K. Please God. Please Mom. Please, please,
please! I have got to pick myself up out of this shit. Maybe
we have a better chance of winning the lottery.
I sent
a letter to a chick about being on a couple show where the parent
has yet to meet the significant other. Naturally we were accepted
but unfortunately Florent will be back in France going to a
wedding for his cousin. So if I dont' get to meet her and the
pilot takes off it might be February before I get to meet her.
I got
this beautiful guest book entry today that made me cry:
I usually
don't stay long when I browse personal pages- too often they're
pretty shallow, boring or ooze too much ego. You're interesting,
I found myself going through your site all afternoon rather than
working.
It feels
odd for me to email someone I haven't met- so this all may come
off a little stiff- but I'm not good with people I don't know
so it cannot be helped. Hopefully this sounds right- thank you
for sharing the many, very personal, photos of your mother.
I waited so long to look because I wasn't sure what they would
be like. I think I was a little scared of them. I was glad no
one was in the office to see me when I opened that link. They
were wonderful and very provoking. That had to take a lot of
courage to do and more to share them. They made me cry and then
I called my mother.
Well,
naturally I bawled when I read that. I needed to hear that because
it makes me want to write and write and write.
I have
been digging in the archives of things I haven't written about,
and there is plenty.
Naturally
it's all about my mother.
We were
playing cards the other night and all these images and impressions
about my mom came bubbling up. It's nice to get some distance
from the pain and remember the pleasure again.
It's nice
to appreciate my mother in a different light. More later...
When I
was a child, around 9 or so, my mother started to take us to
the auctions. There was no more Love Boat on Saturday nights
and the thrill of bidding on junk used to thrill my mother.
As a matter
of fact, she used to meet Jen's mom at these auctions because
Jen's mom owned the Antique Ranch in Ballardsville, Kentucky.
So they would hook up and chat about what their daughters were
doing.
Back in
the day when I first started this diary was when Jen and I first
hooked up and became really good friends. It's so fucking weird
how our lives intertwine in so many ways.
I envy
the close relationship she had with her father. I can't help
but envy it because it sounds idealic comparatively. Plus all
the places she took me while we were there maybe he wasn't perfect
but he was her dad and I somehow get a sense of what it means
to be a daughter to a father through what she tells me.
She is
one of the most beautiful women I have ever met and I wish she
would feel just a glimmer of how much I thought of her... it
would seem that all her self confidence and any other issues
would just simply melt away but then maybe you are reading this
and you feel the same way about me. Then again, maybe not.
I sometimes
forget that when I a mwriting these words some times people
don't come to read them for ages, and then sometimes people
read them everyday. It's really strange how that works out.
So I have
become really close to my room mate, Jain. She showed me relics
of a Communist China from when her father was in this thirties.
It was really, really interesting.
I lost
my sex drive. I think someone threw my gear shift in N when
I wasn't looking. I don't know what is wrong with me but I am
pretty fucking miserable.
Thursday
August 23, 2001
I had
this weird dream last night. I went to high school with Sharon
Stone and then all of a sudden she didn't do anything with her
life. It was kind of sad.
Maybe
that was me, and not Sharon Stone. Maybe I was having a preminission
of how things are going to be.
We went
out tonight, to listen to the Mighty Mighty Boss-tones play
at the Santa Monica pier. We walked around, I took photos with
my Lomo. We went and walked under the pier so I could get a
little high and we could make love.
Florent's
torch went out about 5 seconds after he was using it. So we
used a lighter and walked all the way to the middle in a secluded
place. I pulled my pants down and tinkled and then we started
making love only I was too nervous to come. There were people
coming under the pier and I couldn't be my typical verbal self.
It was
a night in time I hope I never forget, and doubtfully ever will
because as we were leaving Florent didn't see this overhang
and he walked right into it. He was laid out in a matter of
seconds and a pool of blood started to coagulate where the flesh
was missing.
So...
now Florent has a scar. He wanted to go to the hospital but
there is no way I am going. I know I am being a cunt but I don't
care anymore. There is too much shit going on and I know I am
not spending every other weekend in the god damn hospital over
a little boo boo.
I told
him that I couldn't go... so he is still sitting here..
Sunday
August 26, 2001
"Did you
ever think, as a kid, that you would just enjoy staying home
for the night?"
"I hope
you don't mind me sleeping on the couch for a couple of days..."
Shit shit
shit. I am trying not to feel abandoned but I can't help but
feel a little overwhelmed when I start thinking about Jen leaving
for a long time. I am going to miss her a great deal. If anything
came out of this summer it was that I am closer to her and we
know each other better and better.
I cherish
the time we spent when we went to Church Rock near the river
down in Somerset. I cherish the conversations we have with one
another. In some ways, I feel guilty that I will never know
my sisters the way I know Jen but then I look down at her feet
and think we already are sisters. We have almost identical feet
in some ways and I have never shared that with any of my friends.
We talked
about a lot of things. She has helped me so much grow as a person
and just leave some of the bad things behind me and make me
reasize the best things. She doesn't condemn me when I get upset
and talk about breaking up with Florent. She doesn't side with
me. Today as we were walking around Venice High School's grassy
track where Heidi was running around we talked and talked and
talked.
We talk
as if we can discover the secrets of our souls. She knows so
much about me and she doesn't hate me what so ever and if we
ever have differences we talk them out. She has been feeling
bad because all she ever does is clean and I think she is worried
that I will get upset with her but I realize she does it because
she is bored and sometimes there is nothing better to do than
organize your shit so at least that problem is out of the way.
So I may
not have earned a lot of money this year but my relationship
with Jen has enriched itself in layers upon layers. I am a better
person for so many reasons because at least now I don't sit
around and be hard on myself for things that I used to be.
"I noticed
you weren't spending a lot of time on your computer." She said
when we were talking about Florent and how he wasn't moving
much all day.
"That's
because I want to spend more time with you." I tell her. She
may be gone 3 months or longer so I just want to feel comfortable...
You know when you are willing to put extra into a relationship
because you know you are nurturing one another? Plus I know
I won't have that one too much when she's not around. So I give
what I can give now and miss her like crazy.
It's hard
to believe that the dynamic of our relationships is about to
change in so many ways. The new room mates is going to be hard
because Florent won't be here in case it really sucks. I get
along better with them than I ever have a room mate so I am
sad to see them leave. Jenna will be here soon and then Florent
will come home.
Hopefully
between now and then I will have a job doing something. I don't
care anymore. Although it would be nice to wait a while to start
working so I can hang out with Jenna.
I need
to work on Ori's site a bit. I need to do a lot of things but
right now I am enjoying walking around the track, cleaning up
the house, making super yummy lasagna and baking chocolate chip
oatmeal peanut butter whole wheat cookies with pure cane sugar
instead of the nasty white stuff.
Mmmmm...
that lasagna is good.
(make
that noise when you cry really hard and suck in your lip 3 times
now. That's how I feel today.)
Tuesday
August 28, 2001
I almost
stepped on a rattlesnake today. Jen and I went hiking up in
Temescle canyon and I am so not in shape that I got winded and
wanted to stop. Jen is thinking about becoming a personal trainer.
If she does that then that would be cool because she has helped
me a lot this past summer getting used to eating healthy, getting
shit out of my mind.
So I pussied
out and we went back down the hill. It was BEAUTIFUL. We came
across several other dog owners and it was cool. Heidi was amazingly
enough so thirsty that she didn't notice the snake therefore
she didn't get bit. Or maybe she knew it was there and shyed
away... but I doubt that.
So I was
already walking by it when Jen started freaking out and I thought
it was just better to keep walking past it. I didn't get bit,
I knew it was a rattler because it had bubbles on its tail.
She flipped out.
Anne was
right. I'm not really afraid of anything. I guess I need to
be more careful.
Jen was
telling me the story of the rattles she had seen when she was
in Kentucky near the Ohio. I kind of started to laugh. But it
was really funny. And this rattler didn't look like one that
you see on TV in the movies. It was smaller. Maybe it was a
baby.
Fucking
dumbass that I have been lately I forgot to take my Lomo. I'm
going to win that contest next month... just watch. And I got
someone inquiring about my resume today to become a digital
imager. I don't care what I do anymore. I am sick of dealing
with cocksuckers and who cares as long as I can pay my bills.
I got an excellent idea for starting a business. It's a multi-Tiered
company with dynamic operations. Not just web, but using the
web as the powerful marketing tool it has become by fueling
it with sex.
Fuck doing
anything conventionally. If you want your name out there you
have to take some risks. I am beginning to figure out how far
I am willing to go with my life. Which causes to believe in.
I am very
happy about a lot of things and I am really busy with the little
nothings that I have been doing lately. I have been re-evaluating
myself to a greater degree and see myself for my faults and
recognizing that I am not a bad person even though I have them.
So life
has been very interesting to me lately. I am more and more excited
about Jen's trip. She is going to have so much fun.
Nighty
night.
Wednesday
August 29, 2001
With the
room totally re-arranged in a more open, airy manner I am able
to breathe in fresh air from the broken window. We broke 2 windows
and they don't open all the way so I took my hand like a dumb
ass and broke one of the windows. It didn't cut me as bad as
I imagined it would.
So now
the sheets are clean, the duvet is ironed, all our clothes are
clean, my life is organized and my husband is leaving for France
tomorrow.
I'm kinda
sad. Jen leaves next week. My husband might have fucked his
hand up so bad that he will be disabled. I feel bad. We should
have gone to a better doctor than the free medical students.
So...
well if he's disabled there really isn't a lot we can do with
him. I look at his bare knuckes fresh from the cast and see
how badly damaged the middle knuckle is. It happens I suppose.
A ticket
home costs $154.00. Maybe I should go and hang out for a couple
of days. Buddy is leaving on the 12th so maybe when he and Florent
return I will go home for a little while. I need to. It's going
to be my grandfather's birthday next week and I want to go hang
out with my grandparents.
Jen offered
to pay for my way to Europe today. She keeps asking me if I
want to go and just take pictures. She is buying a 3 months
Eurail pass and going all over the place. I am excited for her.
I am helping her get her e-mail ready and putting all the addresses
in for her to make the whole process easier.
But I
am also having a hard time with things right now. I am not too
sure I like all these transistions happening at once. In some
ways I know it's only life but at the same time I can't help
but kick and scream the enitre way home.
I feel
like I am never going to find a job. I hate that I put so much
self worth into such a fucking stupid ass thing as a job. And
I hate feeling like I haven't accomplished shit lately. I guess
because I haven't been.
We went
to Target tonight and I bought some Bazooka Joe bubble gum and
every fortune made me want to cry. Something about Ideas being
nothing without work. I need to be picking friends and not their
noses. A few other choice words that cut me to the core of my
existence.
I can't
wait for this year to be over already. I am sick of it. I want
some awesome luck to come to me next year. Maybe it's time to
start burning candles or something. I have to change my approach
or I have to change something within myself to make it all OK.
Maybe
I should just be quieter. Or maybe it's just time for porn.
Maybe I should be taking photos of other people and turning
that into porn ;)
Thursday
August 30, 2001
Florent
left today.
I wrote
this for Anne.
I used
to see this girl when I was a child. Her face would light up
every time you mentioned horses. Her first book that she honestly
read was Misty of Chincoteague. We used to walk to Goshen store
for candy whenever we had the money. Our father used to give
us our lunch money at the beginning of the week and we would
blow it all on Monday afternoons. .
There was
nothing to do in Goshen back then but pet the horses and buy
candy at the store. I saw my first Maxi pad at that old General
store. The kind that you used a belt with. I remember looking
at that device in horror, denying that I, a certified Tom Boy,
was going to be forced to wear one of THOSE things.
So once
we were sugared up we would walk back home and my sister, Anne,
would stop and pet Judge Field9s horses. She would always talk
about horses. She was one of THEM before she knew THEY even
existed. THEM being horse people.
There was
no other girl on the planet like HER. She could only dream about
having her own horses to pet and ride someday. One Christmas
she received sugar cubes for Christmas. I too received them.
They were for our appaloosa. She went home and dreamed about
brushing its hair when I sat in middle school and cried that
the only thing I got for Christmas was a dumb horse.
I have
photographs of that day, still in my album with the first camera
I ever owned. It was a disk camera. You can see my father, my
sister and my brother walking off into the distance and the
unmistakable Baron. That was the first and last day we ever
saw Baron. We were lucky to have a father that gave custody
to my mother every weekend, who was building his law practice
as a new graduate and spent his time serving the government
in the Reserves. There was so much time to do the things that
mattered most!
After never
seeing Baron again she still had that horse itch, so much so
that she used to go in our back yard and yank on the mane of
a moving horse and jump up on its back. She was wild back then,
free. It was such an amazing site to see.
I used
to look out my window as the sun9s glow would slowly descend
in the background as a horse would stand in front of its glow.
My brother
in law got a job at Lasma for a couple of months. He was there
just long enough to get a free Arabian yearling that was loonier
than a lock of loons. His name was Zambil and that horse would
get out and run around our 3fenced in2 acrage that sat high
upon a hill, long before the swimming pool was ever installed.
We would chase him around before school started and be all hot
and dirty when we finally showed up for classes.
My father
finally consented into boarding this creature at the famed Rock
Creek country club. Anne was to have lessons there. I was walking
behind her and Zambil when he 3spooked2 and I remember thinking
3:did that horse just kick (begin deep scream now) me?2
I hated
that horse but I understood the passion my sister felt and the
connection she still shares with these creatures today. Her
love for Horses saved her life, I am convinced of that because
when she was diagnosed with leukemia it was her horse that she
was constantly worried about and had to ensure that it was cared
for. That is the same horse that almost killed me.
There aren9t
that many photos of my sister from that time, but there are
photos of her with her horse, a shiny hairless face and scalp
that was the first gleam of health outside of the hospital.
I went to catch the horse by myself to feed her when, like a
dumbass, I hitched her rope around my neck and she took off
with me. I have a photo of the rope burn that fucking beast
left on my neck.
After this
I didn9t really share her love or interest for horses. I started
to discover my own passion, which was photography. I could have
almost lost my vision when I had brain surgery to aspirate a
cyst so I really value my vision as I write these words coming
from between where the cysts lies.
She overcame
her bout with cancer as I over came my battle with my new brain.
I worked harder and longer than anyone I have ever met to reach
the goals that I have with the problems I had after surgery.
Anne has worked hard on getting the chemo rot out of hers.
Anne went
on to be an equestrian in college. I went to a couple of her
shows and have taken some super cool imaged of her from one
of those. Our lives have varied so much in the last 10 years
of our lives that it9s kind of hard to remember how much adversity
we had to go through before we could get to where half our peers
were standing. It wasn9t easy finishing college and losing our
mother but we somehow managed to get an education and begin
some sort of lives.
I never
in a million years saw the life I am living for myself now.
I never thought I would see my sister go nuts on horses in St.
Petersburg or Hyde park but we have done both together. Sometimes
it9s hard for us to recognize each other as friends and not
just always competition for the attention of other people. But
maybe we just do it for ourselves subconsciously.
I wish
every entry was so deep and profound. Jen, Jain and I went out
to eat at this cool Chinese place in the San Gabriel Mountains.
It was awesome. Jain has her PhD in Physics. It's nice to be
around her. It was nice to eat real Chinese food. It was soo
good. I am sooo full.
Florent's
hand is still fucked.
Friday
August 31, 2001
I am pathetic.
I am sitting here listening to my husband tell me he misses
me and loves me and it's cold in Marseille for the 5th time.
I am so
happy to have some time to myself for a change. "It's cold and
I'm tired."
Maybe
it's nice to think that I could let this go but I don't think
it will ever be easy. It's nice to be loved so many times zones
away.
