Monday
January 1, 2001
He gingerly
places his arm on the pillow to my left and I mount him as gently
as I can. It's going to be hard for a couple of weeks but I
think we have gotten the sex thing down.
I don't
know if I make Florent out to be a magnificent creature...
Here is
one of his letters I cherish so much:
My Dear Catherine,
You
are the battery in my heart. I wish I were an architect, I'll
design towers, castles, pyramids, skyscrapers that would be
the concrete representation of my love for you. My Catherine
if you were a play card you'll be The Heart Queen. You are a
part of myself, when I don't see you I feel weak, I only live
at 30%, saving for the moments I'll be with you. You are my
energy.
I'd like to go on Mars and put a sign there, "CATHERINE". It's
my message to the universe. The future generations will interpret
it as they want. It simply means to believe, believe in love,
believe in happiness, believe in what we feel.
My Princess, my song, where are you? I am confused I don't see
you, I feel deazy, weak, lifeless.
Honey I see you, nothing can stop me to come to you. No walls,
no Ocean, nothing. You are everything. You are unique.
You make my eyes move. I look at you. When we are apart, I don't
look any more. I just wait. The world is only beautiful with
you. Without you it's tasteless, simple. With you it's extraordinary,
jovial and lovable.
Tender
kisses,
Florent
So he
is not always hurt... and if he could write these kinds of letters
to me everyday I think I would be more lucky than someone that
got a huge diamond for Christmas.
I wanted
to make this a wonderful entry... but I am tired from looking
at apartments all night and I am cold because there is no heater
except for the space heater I bought and I want to sleep. Tomorrow
I find out "the offer" from Evolve and I am kind of excited...
Tuesday
January 2, 2001
Eat, sleep,
shit, fuck, check the Internet and wait to hear from a doctor.
This is what my life has been, this is what I have known. I
am beginning to resent it. That and Florent bitching a lot.
I know what it's like to be sick and have everything including
your dignity taken away from you. It just fucking sucks.
Last night
I had a dream my mother was still living and I even though I
knew she was dead, I desperately wanted to stay in that dream.
I even woke up just to fall back into it again. I also had a
dream that my computer was on fire and I had to put it out.
I lost
my paycheck that asshole gave me. I think I gave it to Florent
but I don't remember.
Wednesday
January 3, 2001
My computer
is broken. It really sucks because when we were at Mr. Faggot's
it fell off the stool and since I was using a Pentium III it
was no big deal. I am lucky though and it hasn't quit working.
Knock on Roman's head.
Florent
and Roman look alike in some ways only Florent has much longer
hair, is still pretty innocent and has brown eyes. We had been
having an evil fight about him going down on me for a while
now. Only today when I threatened not to share my body with
him did he realize I was serious about not sharing my body if
I didn't get my way.
He told
me that I could use my charms instead of being so myself. I
think he might have a valid point.
I just
finished one of the best books I have ever read, Invisible
Monsters. It was written by the same dude that did Fight
Club. It was so fucked up and it reminded me in some ways
of me. Someone trying so desperately to find some kind of reason
to add spice to my life. Although I don't think many of the
major dramas I have been through have been self-inflicted.
It's the
story of a model sick of being in the rat race of the beautiful.
In one section of the book she talks about how she could get
fat but that would take to long. It made me laugh. As I sit
here listening to the vomit inducing asshole, Adam Carolla,
I was reminded of why it was nice to be fat. When Anne was 13
she was raped by her first boyfriend so I think that it was
one of those subconscious decisions not to be so beautiful that
men would rape me.
But now
I am losing weight. I have stretch marks all over my body from
where I have tortured my skin from gaining and losing. I don't
find them very attractive and I doubt I will ever wear a bikini
unless they undergo laser treatment.
I give
up. I am never going to get a job with Evolve and I think starting
off being disgruntled will not be a good experience. I think
I give up trying to find a real job and I am going to attempt
to be a God awful roach of a person, a technical recruiter.
I saw one
place on dice that was willing to pay $250K. That's just wrong.
I know you have to work your ass off but with my ever so subtle
phone sex voice that I always get complimented on I don't think
that will be such a problem
Thursday
January 4, 2001
He's my
husband. He has to have surgery next week to remove bone chips
from his elbow as well as fixing this knee. I looked at the
orthepediac surgeon and he said something about having to wait
for a MRI but after checking him out he agreed to just go on
and do the knee surgery on the same day. I was kind of relieved.
Today
has been the day from hell. He has been driving me crazy with
a capital CRAZY. I fussed at him and was angry. Lesli scared
me and told me that they might have to go in and break his elbow
or some bone in his arm in order to fix it but all he has to
do is get rid of the lose chips of bone. Hack, gag, vomit.
I must
admit I am not very patient. I think it was all those years
fretting over a maniacal woman's death bed that did it to me.
OH!!!!!!!!
On the way to the Doctor a girl saw my plates and told me she
was from Kanfuckme too. I was so happy to come back here and
find out that her roomie was in Anne's grade and with a name
like Griffin Falvy who could ever forget you? So hopefully I
will have some cool chicks to hang out with tomorrow.
Right now
I have to go have an interview with a guy from Pixoarts. We
have been playing phone tag all day and he wants me to go to
China with him to shoot some things. I also heard from Evolve
today and told them I wanted relocation as well as 100K so I
will know something tomorrow...
Friday
January 5, 2001
So I got
the laughable offer from Evolve. It sucked donkey dicks. They
were willing to pay me as a contractor $120 an hour. That was
about 20K in 3 weeks. Their offer was 60K. Maybe I am just being
too greedy but I am sorry, I am not working in a Microshit environment
doing something I don't really like for less than 80K. They
can fuck themselves.
If it
was a job as a minor web designer ... fuck no... what am I thinking?
They are used to paying slave wages out here to foreigners that
don't have an option. Should I take it because I am hard up.
I think not. I think I can find a job in 3 weeks doing something
I like a whole lot more and feel more like a valued member of
a team doing something I enjoy.
What a
fucking waste of time and effort. That was practically the same
fucking salary I was making in Louisville and I didn't move
to San Francisco to be a member of the working poor.
I should
have been looking for a fucking job as soon as that faggot fired
me. I can't believe I passed up a job as a web designer making
75K a year to hopefully get on there. I am such a fucking dumb
ass.
My husband
s a nut. They needed files off his computer at work and he was
afraid that if I took it in they were going to keep his computer
and fire him. He scared me so bad that after making an appointment
with his boss and missing it she called me and told me that
if I didn't bring it by she would come get it and then he would
be fired for sure. I asked if I could bring it back home and
she told me I could.
Florent,
the most distrustful person I have met, didn't believe her.
I, being a stupid fucked up bitch listened to my neurotic husband
that is in pain and is probably suffering from Post Traumatic
Stress syndrome not only from being married to me but because
he is going to have surgery on Tuesday.
Sometimes
I really wonder if it's really me that is brain damaged.
So... I
went to his work and sat there and talked with his boss. He
is so fucking cool and married to a Russian woman. I am excited
to meet her. I was happy to sit and talk to people working and
Flo's boss really knows a lot of shit. Kind of like Andy. It
was nice to have him straighten out a lot of shit in my head
as well as listen to someone that was not into Microshit.
I am utterly
amazed at how many people out here really don't know shit about
computers. I mean I don't think I know shit but I know more
about Linux and Unix and how some things work than most of the
people I meet. I think I even know more shit about some things
than Florent. But then he knows Java.
I think
I am going to learn Java. I don't want to work with Microshit
all the fucking time. I want to be able to actually create shit
that I can fuck with the code and not just take it for granted
that some dumb fuck ready to kill all his co-workers at Microshit
is ready to go ballistic.
Plus I
don't really like the idea of going through and debugging. I
like to type shit so it works the first time but even I know
I have to go and adjust a lot of shit I forget to update at
times. God there is so much work to be done on this site...
I need
to organize my photos into groups and make them into Flash presentation
and try to send out CD resumes. I can't think of any other way
to get noticed except maybe standing on the street with a cardboard
sign saying "Will design for web."
Saturday
January 6, 2001
I am not
taking it anymore. I am going to send a letter to the legal
department of Evolve. I have rights as a worker and those were
not... Gabriel told me that Ben would be getting a finders fee
and that I would be paid an hourly wage. I am sorry but I am
not going to sit and wait and be fucked so I might as well take
up for myself because no one else will.
Florent
and I spent the night talking last night. It was awesome. We
are getting closer and closer. He told me that I don't express
myself sometimes... that we have problems understanding one
another and I am sure he is right. There is a language thing
but of all my boyfriends I have ever had he is the easiest one
to express myself to and get the same in return.
I am so
in love with my husband. It ebbs and tides but I am finding
that as we get closer and closer there is a new layer of love
and a new reason to feel even more for him. Sometimes he can
act irrationally but I think about what a difficult time I had
in Russia and how I clung to the people that took the time to
see me for myself and I value that and I think he feels the
same way about me only it's more intense because we have that
commitment.
So... I
ma more in love with my husband because we sat around and talked.
HE told me I should go out with my friends but I wanted to be
with him. I feel kind of strange to be as dependent on him for
different reasons but knowing I can actually depend on him as
well.
Monday
January 8, 2001
I am scared
he is going to die.
It's OK
when it's me but I don't know... I have been slipping Percocets
into his milk tonight and last night to make him calm down a
bit. I can't stand it when he hurts so much.
I called
my dad today and asked for $. What a mistake. He is sick of
his kids calling him up and asking for money... that's the only
time they call him, when we need money. He wonders why we are
like that, why we don't call him up for emotional support and
then when we really need him he doesn't come through. He doesn't
know how to show he loves us unless it's with money.
And I
am the one that has a funny way of showing I care. At least
I bothered to go to my Grandfather's funeral.
"Dad...
I am not on drugs, I graduated from college and my husband is
having surgery."
"Well
if we are going to have a relationship we need professional
help."
"I live
in San Francisco now."
I did
it for him. I wanted us not to have to struggle. I wonder if
I ask him to drop everything and come and hold my hand while
my husband is in surgery tomorrow if he would have done that.I
already know he wouldn't have. Who am I kidding.
"I read
what you have written about me on the Internet. I know you have
a lot of hateful things to say."
"Have
you ever been there?"
"No."
"How do
you know Thomas wasn't making shit up?"
"I'm not
getting involved between you and Thomas." Whatever. You are
the one that wants to not take one shred of responsibility for
anything you ever did wrong to anyone.
"Baby...
you need to forget you have a family. You are like a turtle.
You need a shield."
I'm bleeding
like a stuck pig, thank God I am not pregnant. Jan 10th is Anne's
last visit to a cancer Dr. EVER. Mom died 3 years ago Jan 29th
it's a full moon and my husband could possibly die tomorrow.
"When
they operate on your leg they usually put the anesthesia in
your spine."
"Nobody's
touching my spine."
More tears
as I cross the Bay bridge. My husband doesn't know what to do.
What to say. The tears are for him, mostly. Maybe they are more
for me. The same ones that are falling down my cheek now. I
am so fucked. I don't have a job, my bills are going to go to
collection agencies and I just don't want to bother. I think
I will commit bankruptcy.
Start
a new life out here in California from scratch.
An old
Lady's dog got out today and she was chasing him in the middle
of a busy street in Alameda. "Go HELP her, honey."
I run
out, get the dog. I try to pick him up and the fucker bites
me. More tears as I sit and watch the blood slowly begin to
surface. It's been a really shitty day and I am scared and I
want my mommy.
Fuck it.
I have a family now. It consists of me and my husband and my
14 year old cat.
The day
started so promising... I walked down to Good Vibrations and
was hoping to get a job but I had to call the corporate office
to see about it., not go into the store.
I really,
really can't wait for this phase of my life to be over. I really,
really can't wait until I have a job. I know everything happens
for a reason, and probably the main reason I don't have a job
now is to take care of Florent but I am really taking a beating
here. I think calling my dad was the worst idea but we are running
low on options.
"Baby,
you don't have a father."
I know,
Florent. No matter how many times I try to make sense of our
relationshit it back fires into one hundred little pieces.
"I don't
want you to be hurt anymore."
"What
are you going to do? Lock me in a tower and ask me to let down
my golden hair?"
Tuesday
January 9, 2001
He was
kidding about being the bionic man... I kidded him back about
being able to jack off in 2 seconds. Now he has pins in his
elbow and a couple of chips the Dr. didn't find necessary to
take out probably because the muscle wouldn't let them go.
And a
torn tendon and shredded ligament that might have to undergo
reconstructive surgery but he is home, bitching and I feel a
lot better. Time for bed...
Friday
January 12, 2001
I went
to the MacWorld convention. I fondled a G4 laptop. That was
pretty fun. I was considering going back today but when I came
home yesterday after buying groceries and getting a TV at a
pawn shop and Flo didn't sleep a wink while I was gone I figured
it would be better if I just hung out close to home.
So I did
laundry... I went to Walgreens and bought some new dressings
to go on his wounds. We watched Crash and Naked Lunch.
I think Cronenburg might be gay... There is an underlying tone
of homosexuality in both of these movies. Plus he is really
into killing and mutilating women... that seems to be a constant
theme with his movies. From The Brood to Dead Ringers
and some of his more illustrious movies I can safely say that
I don't think he likes women that much.
After
all the problems we have been having I have been thinking about
it a lot lately... we bought hotlovers.tv and I think what I
would like to do is a porn kind of site where we traipse around
the world and have sex in exotic places. I think it could be
quite a popular concept and hey... if we can make it last 2
years or so that would be one hell of a honeymoon.
So we
can be porn stars for a while. As long as it's on the net then
it can disappear just as easily as it appears. I don't give
a fuck about my reputation because I would rather have some
time with my honey. I know one thing is for sure, I don't like
to spend much time away from him. I get physically ill.
Is it
crazy to be that much in love with someone? Every night we tell
each other we love one another before we fall asleep and in
the morning it's the first thing out of our mouths. It feels
like everyday we fall in love with each other all over again...
like somehow sleep has stolen time from us and we have to build
up the intensity once again. I think I can't love him anymore
than I already do and then I find the next day that my heart
is opening again a little more.
I know
he feels the same way because he always tells me. I have never
felt this way. Each day it's more intense.
I sat
in a bookstore and looked through the Mapplethorpe books. I
am a better photographer than he was. He just had backing. I
think that's the problem with a lot of talented people... they
just lack the backing. Fuck it I hope to god I can make a ton
of fucking money off our porn site because then I will publish
the hell out of my own work.
And is
it really porn if the couple involved are in love? If I love
my husband anyway and can get paid for showing the world how
I love him then how is that pornographic? Do I honestly give
a fuck? ha ha... funny funny.
Tuesday
January 16, 2001
After
slapping myself in the face a few days I decided that you don't
want to hear me bitch and whine about what appears to be a hopeless
situation.
My husband
is such a Diva. I swear to God... I think we must be a perfect
match because he is more fem in many ways than I could ever
hope to be. For weeks I haven't been allowed to touch the sacred
elbow... to clean (I call him Pepe Le Pu now) it or anything.
The doctor
reached over today and cut his splint right off. It's been a
week. So all the color fell out of his face and part of me wanted
to laugh. I thought he was going to pass out. The doctor also
ripped off his knee pad and yet again another look of passing
out.
I'm begging
to enjoy this. I don't know if it's because I can't stand to
listen to him bitch or if I am honestly just such a bitch. Maybe
it's a little bit of both.
So these
assholes called me up this am wanting money. I was basically
like go fuck yourself until I get a job and I was like "You
listen to me" and the cock was like "No, you listen to me" Click.
I'm sorry but I am not putting up with abuse from stupid pricks
like that.
I went
and picked up a photo CD I left in my computer at Evolve. It
made me sad that we couldn't agree on a decent wage but I honestly
don't think I could work around that faggot right now.
So I can't
decide if we should blow this joint and lick our wounds in Kanfuckme
or just stick it out and wait for something good to happen.
You know how much I LOVE to be tortured so I am sure we will
stick it out but in the interim I think we are going to go back
for a couple of weeks. There really isn't anything we can do
right now... and I think Florent will need to find another job
because...
I am sure
I wouldn't be all sad and boo hoey if... there is no real reason
to be depressed. I don't have a job I don't have to go to...
We actually have some money in the bank. Life is pretty good
right now. It would be nice to have a job but maybe I just enjoy
sitting on my ass too much.
Wednesday
January 17, 2001
I walk
into the gallery and want to die. There, right in front of me
is a Rembrandt. Over there is a Durer. Over there is a Goya.
So maybe
I am a bit insane. I think that taking a job making $10-12 an
hour is more beneficial to my career as an artist then shitting
at Evolve wondering what in the fuck I am doing there.
Working
here
seems to be the RIGHT thing to do. I think this man can help
me establish a career out here. I would fucking do anything
for that. I hope to god he realizes what a valuable resource
we are to one another. I would die. I can hope and dream.
My husband
climbed on top of me today. He took his new "bionic" arm and
caressed my side for a while. It tickled.
Sunday
January 21, 2001
"I'm coming
to San Francisco."
The next
day I spoke with Jenn again. "Why don't you come to LA?"
She has
an idea that will take off. She can't fill her orders. We rode
with the top down to Tijuana. I could actually hear the conversation
in the Miatia.
I get
to enjoy life with Jenn. It's never a matter of her doing this
or that to me or for me and vice versa. I have to say that for
one I am very glad she is out here and for another I think I
might have a job doing a porn site down here.
Florent
is sick... "Baby, I need new air."
"A change
in atmosphere." I correct him.
"So you
don't mind if we move around a lot? I'm young, there is nothing
holding me anywhere... you don't mind if we move around a lot,
do you?"
Are you
fucking kidding me? Me the ping pong ball. Me Mrs. Addicted
to Chaos and never wants stability. Me that loves to fuck my
life up just to see what will happen. Me that can't stand to
be too comfortable although sleeping in a big bed and satin
pillows and fucking my husband has been especially delicious
these past couple of days.
Me, his
wife... Like I am ever going to mind being tossed around the
globe trying to find some sense of solidarity? I can't stand
to stay in one place too long. I thought I wouldn't get bored
with San Francisco and granted, maybe it hasn't had a decent
chance but I am tired of people's attitudes and most of the
people I have encountered here in LA are not that bright so
it would be easy to make a decent amount of money.
All I
need to do is get established.
Tijuana
was a fucking mess. My sinuses are still protesting today. It's
like the Mission, where we live now in San Francisco, only instead
of being one street it's the entire city. Nasty, dirty, scummy
thieves. They will sell anything to you as long as you look
stupid enough to pay the ridiculous price of $150 dollars.
Jenn got
my passport out of the back of her car. The officers stopped
us. "You don't have any drugs on you?"
"Are you
fucking kidding me? We didn't even drink while we were there."
"No alcohol,
no tobacco?"
"No."
We combed
the streets looking for these things so Jenn can start her business.
I am kind of excited to get back to San Francisco so I can look
there.
It's nice
to see there is such a community here. A woman named Mary just
walked in to take Jenn's dog, Heidi, to the beach.
So...
It was beautiful yesterday. We walked on the beach and Florent
wrote Cathy in the sand and put a big heart around it. He is
improving daily. He does his exercises and Adrienne, his physical
therapist, is very proud of him because he has progressed so
much.
Of coarse
one of his ideas of exercising his hand is to caress my breasts.
His hand shakes and then it will shake over me and feel nice.
He is self conscious about his hand shaking, worrying it will
take forever to heal but I know it is temporary and I enjoy
the sensation.
I am getting
back into feeling more sensual these days. Jenn and Syndy's
place is so girly. I thought I would never meet someone that
has a worse addiction to beauty products than myself but now
I see I am not the true queen.
Life is
sweet these days. I am very happy.
Thursday
January 25, 2001
San Francisco
reminds me a lot of Kentucky these days. It's closed in, incestuous
and I don't think people really give a fuck. Of coarse I don't
think people give a fuck in general.
The ride
home was fun. Jenn and I went to the Circle bar in Santa Monica
and these two Irish guys needed a ride back up here. Florent
ever the pessimist didn't want them to go with us but I insisted.
Wow...
Mr. Prince and Dave. Mr. Prince has been one of the best things
about this city. It was like getting in touch with some of those
sensations I had in Russia. Live for today and fuck everything
else.
I told
Florent that they could drive and I could sit in the back seat.
It wasn't until dark when I pulled his cock out did he start
to understand what I meant. I laid back and let him finger me
and I am sure the guys could feel the energy as my orgasm centrifuged
throughout the vehicle.
I get
off on shit like that. Sex in public places. Florent finally
made a joke the other day about it. "We can go have sex in the
bathroom..." as we waited for someone to meet us. He hasn't
been like that in a while.
So we
are loading up the truck and moving to Beverly... Fuck San Francisco
and its high rent and bullshit. There are some things I would
still like to do up here but I am done. I thought it would be
a forever kind of thing but the rolling blackouts, the rain,
the cold... none of that can compare with the sunny beaches
and warm weather of LA. Plus Jenn is down there and I kind of
like that community. I like going out with her and all the guys
going gaga.
And I
love her reaction to it all.
So onward
and upward we go...
Saturday
January 27, 2001
Am I running
from myself?
Am I running
just because I can?
Running,
frantic, I haven't bathed since yesterday. Florent being Pepe
hasn't bathed since the day we left LA the last time. Almost
an entire week ago. We slept in the SUV last night. He was fed
up and even woke up and started to drive. I made a bed there
and we had sex because he was upset that I wouldn't kiss him
yesterday.
Mad dash
for an apartment. One on the Marina. $1,100. Much nicer and
cheaper than anywhere we could find in San Francisco. Plus it's
LA.
Unpack
all the shit. Temper tantrum because I have to take care of
everything and I am really beginning to resent that fact. He
didn't really help me pack much and so I had to pack the small
shit too. Paystubs... who gives a fuck about these sorts of
things?
I don't
want to go home. Driving through the desert last night in the
snow was horrifying. I started to understand why he was freaking
when he was driving because when you are laying down you feel
every sensation of being thrown around in the back.
Fuck...
Monday
January 29, 2001
Mom died
3 years ago today.
