I've been so fucking tired for the last month that it's been very hard to keep a journal. I found out that I am pregnant last Monday and have gone through the whole gamut of emotions.
I'm very scared now. Here comes a baby. I cried last night when I thought of what I was going to be like or if I am even going to be alive by the time she is 8. I worry that I am going to lose the ability to use my hands and I will end up dropping the baby. I know I just have to be careful.
All I know is that I love her or him already so much that my heart aches. I've cut all my meds down and we have an aminostesis test to do before we know if we are for sure going to keep it.
I can't bring an unhealthy child into this world. I can't do it to myself or to the baby but I think it's a she and I think she is very healthy.
I went back though my diary to find out when I had my last period and it was in November which would make the baby younger than the 4.5 months I was quoted at the other day.
I'm very scared what's going to happen to my spine. I'm very scared of a lot of things because prenatal care wasn't the greatest and it's been stewing in so many various drugs that I am scared to think of what kinds of addictions it's going to be born with.
Josh's company had an award ceremony for the geeks of the music industry, lighting and sound, on Friday night at the Queen Mary in Long Beach. It was the best awards ceremony I've been to as the people there cussed, bitched, pissed and moaned. It was a far cry from the Grammy's and much more entertaining. We have been running ever since. We were hoping to see Zorba perform last night at the Queen Mary but after spending the day at the aquarium I had aches and pains down below from not getting enough bed rest as this is all I have done throughout this pregnancy so far.
I'm scared to have a full term baby. Not Just scared. I'm afraid the extra pressure is going to make my spinal cord split.
When I start to get really upset about it then I think about how this baby must really want to be here. I found out about it because I kept having "UTIs". I went into see the Gyn last Monday and as soon as he stuck the Ultrasound into me I saw the toes, hands and then the head and screamed out "IS THAT A BABY?!?!?!" He told me yes and I started crying like crazy. I didn't think Josh would want to keep it... he wouldn't even let me get a puppy :).
I came home in a fog. I called Lesli and she told me to find out more info and to schedule an abortion. Everyone else has been happy for me. I called her yesterday to tell her we were going to try to keep you. I'm writing this for you, baby. So you know how much yourmommy loves you when I am not there to put my arms around you. Since I lost my mommy it's been so hard for me and I am scared you will go through the same thing. All the things I've thought about... being a teenager and hating your body. Not feeling pretty and you are so beautiful already... more so than 80% of the people on the planet. Since I've travelled I know, trust me.
I think about you and talk to you like crazy. Since this cyst is near my vocal cords my voice is shrill at times so I walk around like a cartoon character talking to you al the time.
So daddy came home that Monday night and it was "gloomy" when he got here. I turned off all the lights and was laying in bed. "Come cuddle with me." 5 other people knew before Josh. Lesli, Rita, Owen, Babs and someone else I will remember soon.
Josh laid behind me. I've been so elated with him lately and I think most of it's your fault because of the bonding factor. I've never been happier in my life. My body is coping with my illnesses much better than before. You've made me lose 60 pounds. I will never be like my mother who always complained that we ruined her body when you have done nothing but make me stronger.
We finally found the promise ring Daddy's been wanting to get me since Christmas. One day you will wear it :)... back to the story.
Daddy came home and spooned with me and I had him put his hands on my womb. My mind was racing a mile a minute. What was I going to say to him? How was I going to tell him he was going to be a daddy? Did he want you as much as I did? "Oh baby! BABY! BABY!" he told me lovingly.
"I'm not your baby..." I say to him teasing him. "here's your baby!" I said to him.
"What?"
"I'm not your baby... here's YOUR baby!" I repeated. He jumped on top of me like a cat, flipping me over on my back. I have never seen him move so fast in my life.
"What are you trying to say?"
"What do you think I'm trying to say?" pregnant pause (ha ha ha... in case you haven't figured it out by now we are both dorky corn balls and we already know one day you are going to hate us for it). "I'm pregnant."
"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" he screamed out. Then I screamed too.
Somehow I ended up sitting down on the end of the bed and daddy laid in my lap and got close to you and I melted. His ear was in my lap and his eyes were as big as saucers. I've never been pregnant so I've never seen anyone so scared, confused, happy and worried all at the same time. We talked and talked and talked. I was relieved I didn't have to make the decision by myself.
It's not like we don't have the perfect lifestyle for you now. I'll be a stay at home mom because of my health. We don't go out a lot so it's not like we don't want you and I am in awe at how I haven't killed you so far because of all the drugs I have been taking, which is why we need to know if you are healthy. I think you are. I'm pretty positive you are. We are scared shitless that I can't come off Duragesic.
We keep talking about what you are going to be like if you are a girl or a boy. When they did the last ultrasound I could see even more of you and did not see any dangles when the beam flashed between your legs. Since I am a photographer I can read the ultrasounds and delighted when daddy got to watch you move the other day but he didn't see you the way I did. He saw your heart beating but he didn't see you wave at us. I saw your beautiful face and thought (this was before I saw the nothing between your legs) you were a girl because of your delicate features and the way you snuck up on us.
I'm pissed at some of my doctors because none of them ran blood tests to see if you were there when I told them I quit having periods. My endocronologist told me I had polycystic ovarian disease and that if I wanted my periods to start again he could make them start and I told him I didn't want to. I'm so glad I didn't. There are so many things I'm glad I didn't do before I knew you were there.
We had an epidural the other day to see if that would help with the pain and they use x-rays. They put extra lead down so I could have it done and as soon as the cocktail went into my spine my right leg quit electrocuting me. You are supposed to make MS go into remission. I've certainly got that "glow" as I've been told how pretty I am for months now.
We are just estatic and can't wait to see you. I'm afraid I can't carry you full term and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry I couldn't give you a better start in life... that I'm on so many drugs that might harm you but then I think about all the junkies that have kids and the crack babies and I get over that.
