Saturday
July 1, 2000
Happy
Birthday Kevin.
Last night
he came over and made flank steak. It was so fucking good. David,
my boss, is renting a theater for us to go see Gladiator
on Monday. I am so fucking excited. Did I happen to mention
how much I love my job?
I went
out for a drink with Jason and Scott last night after work.
It was a nice time. I like my co-workers a lot too. David wants
us to feel like a family and I think it is starting too. I still
can't get over how our company stressed individuality within
the system. Everyone all works together for the same cause.
I wonder how much more effective our government would be if
everyone felt this way about their job.
So after
drinks I called Kevin to see what he was up to. Old habits die
hard I suppose and Friday nights were always a good time with
Kevin. He told me to pick up beer and I had already passed Liquor
Outlet so at the next light I did a U-turn and went back.
I started
perusing all the yummy things and let me tell you how strange
it feels to have money in my pocket and in my bank account.
I picked up some cheese those monks make at Gethsemani. It was
flavorful. I picked up a Silk Pie for Kevin's Birthday as well
as some imported beer and my favorite wine.
I called
Kathy as I was standing in line and told her to come over so
she and Ed packed up their food and came over. It was a nice
time. Kevin popped in Orgasmo and I laid down on the
couch and fell right asleep.
I am sure
I was snoring. I didn't even notice when Ed and Kathy left but
I was conscious enough for a second to see Kevin laying on the
couch. I got up and tossed myself into Mike's bed. I am fucking
glad this weekend is the 4th so I can have at least one day
to move into my new place.
It's such
a beautiful morning. I should go take a shower but I don't feel
like it. I think it should be outlawed for a woman to have to
work the week she has her period. I haven't been this exhausted
in my entire life and I don't know how to get my strength back.
Oh well I am sure there is just one more day of paying my dues
and then it's back to normal again.
Sunday
July 2, 2000
Me and
kitty Shittar are now officially moved in... well sort of. Andy
is slowly rising to get his ass out of bed, my bed, so we can
go and get me a new one. I am so excited about having a new
bed. I am going to get a Queen sized pillow top.
Zack came
in last night. The plan was to have a new bed at my place so
he and Michael could have their own space but it didn't quite
work out that way. We all ended up going to Mike's instead.
But first
we went to Triangles. Let me tell you one of the reasons I love
gay men is because it's equal playing ground. There is no sexual
attraction for a woman when you are a gay man so you don't put
off these predatory vibes that you can feel at any of your local
meat markets or current place of employment depending on which
place is a bed of hot head testosterone joy.
Anyways...
we went there and I fell in love. I had no idea there was a
place in Louisville (note to self... get Stephanie to go with
me next time as well as Jenna) where men stripped and actually
pulled their cocks out for you to watch them stroke it. MMMmmmmm...
I got off on watching these guys kissing and dancing. I offered
to take photos of one dancer as he stood behind me and I caressed
his bare ass and his muscular back. I was in heaven. I was surprised
to find out he was straight and offered for me to meet him back
at his hotel room.
I don't
know what's wrong with me. I once knew a girl that would jump
right in that and take the ride of her life. I actually got
to see his fully erect penis so I knew I wouldn't be disappointed
but it disturbed me greatly to think about fucking him.
I guess
it's just that I have made up my mind and I am not in the mood
to be very sexual right now. Or maybe it was the offhanded remark
Zack made about me paying him money that freaked me out. I think
the only guy I was with that was a professional was in the Czech
Republic and baby let me tell you I never pay for sex... at
least not monatarily.
I don't
know. I was really happy to see Zack and Michael. I was even
happier to show them that I had a place to live and move all
my shit out of storage. I am now living in a three-ish bedroom
house with a basement, tons of attic space and a 2 car garage
with a basketball court.
It has
a new bathroom and I just sat in the tub after moving shit last
night and extolled the virtues of having a clean bathtub where
I get out of it in the morning and am happy to be there.
I swear
to God that I now realize just why it is people wake up in the
morning and go to work so they have a place to keep all their
personal things and life's simple pleasure around them.
I also
think that being homeless has made me realize a lot of things
about myself that I wouldn't have known otherwise. I would also
like to blame part of my ability to be nomadic for so long was
because as a child I would go to and from my mom and dad's place
and having that sense of stability has always been a bit overwhelming.
It's funny when I was stable for all the years I lived in a
house before that I would find some major way of disrupting
that by going to Russia so I think it's just natural that I
am there again.
Fuck I
need to find my passport. Andy says he wants to go with me but
we will see... he is a bit frightened and I told him he would
have to listen to everything I told him.
Sigh...
I asked Ben and his gal to move in with me but I think they
are trying to get used to one another and don't want to have
to deal with me. Kevin and I talked about him moving in and
who knows. I think the major reason I am not feeling sexual
now is because I am still in love with him even though I really
don't want to be.
Bob told
me that once you loved someone it never goes away... I think
I am going to have to agree with him on that. I hate that I
can't have indiscriminate sex like I used to but at the same
time I still like the idea of being with him. Plus he doesn't
read my diary and he is the only person who said he wouldn't
and he hasn't and there is a certain amount of freedom that
goes with that. Of all things I think I respect him for his
word, but then again he is just too fucking busy.
Yeah I
am going to move my desk today and other shit. I can't wait
to get my bookshelf up and all my books in it. I can't wait
to have my material things that I found dear enough to keep
and my asshole brother and cunt sister in law didn't throw away
surround me. I have a basement and a garage to put shit in.
I can't wait to find my many treasures that I had forgotten
I had attached to my personality at certain times of my life
there for me to be all stupid and sentimental about. Most of
all I can't wait to wake up and go to work after sleeping in
my own bed and enjoying things that come so simply to other
people which will now come simply to me.
Thursday
July 6, 2000
Damn I
am tired. I have been moving shit slowly and surely from storage.
I had
to send off for a new passport today because I have misplaced
mine.
I am getting
ready to go to Russia and I get more and more excited every
day. I think of all the things I am going to do while I am there.
All the mini projects I have to get done and the human aspect
that needs to be a part of this site.
I suppose
I was accurate a while back ago when I said I needed a company
to just suck me in and keep letting me do my thing. I think
I am lucky enough that I will be able to do just that.
So...
we will see what happens. Can I tell you how much I love my
job? Today we were in a meeting and my boss was talking about
tempers flaring and I said "So does this mean we can tell you
to Fuck off?"
Just about
everyone started to giggle. Call me stress relief. I love to
make people giggle and we are all pushing full steam ahead.
I love being part of a team and fighting for the same goal.
It makes
me laugh though because my boss, David, actually gets my sense
of humor, or if he doesn't he really plays along. It's a very
strange and wonderful life... I really love being me right now.
Friday
July 7, 2000
Today
is Mikey's Birthday. I missed Zack's on Monday and Anne's on
the fifth. Tanya had one too... but I can't remember if it was
yesterday or if it is to be.
Another
day at the warehouse and I love my job. I never imagined it
could get better and better. There are only a few downs... I
don't have as much free time, big shock, and I am tired a lot.
I think the worst part of my job at this point is making sure
I have a parking spot and that's never really been a problem.
But on
the up side I don't spend any money. Before I couldn't and now
it's kind of hard to. Although I am finding that I am addicted
to my cellular phone. It's kinda nice being the terror on the
road now. I guess since I was so used to being broke that it's
nice so I can actually save money to go on my trip.
I don't
know how Kevin moving in will work out. I think in some ways
it will make it easier financially... My kitty loves me again
by the way. He always used to be lazy but now when I get home
he is in a chipper mood. Even frisky.
You know
someone was teasing me the other day and who it was escapes
me but I was talking about how things are going so well... maybe
it was Stove. He was like "What are you going to do to fuck
it up?"
I hope
nothing. For once in my life I can say I am really happy with
the way my life is going. I always had a goal of the woman I
wanted to be when I first started college and now I feel like
I am her. It's kind of scary in a way.
I got
a letter from Finland from a boy that is from Danville. He is
going to be here in July and I told him I would be in St. Petersburg
in August and Helsinki is not far from St. Petersburg. I am
going to try to go to Tallinn while I am in Russia. I have a
lot of goals I would like to achieve while I am there. I hope
to bring back a wealth of resources for this web site in images
and in writing. And I am in Kentucky. I think that is what makes
me laugh the most.
Saturday
July 8, 2000
a million
monkeys with a million crayons could never even come close to
coming up with something as stupid as this self-serving site.
they might, however, be smart enough to try to hide what it
really is (a load of bullshit). you really should try to live
in the real world more often instead of trying to prove how
cool you are to everyone else.
Thank you
sir for your kind words. It took me over 2 years to work on
my site and basically it was me grieving from the death of my
mother. I am glad to know you shoe genuine interest for my mental
health and well being and realize you will never have someone
wrap their legs around you laviciously and ejaculate on you
in torrents of pleasure because you are more then likely living
at home and jack off thinking about smelling your mother's cunt.
IF I had a dime for every stupid jack-ass, much like yourself,
that told me the same bullshit then not only would I not have
to bother reading your dribble but I would probably be concerning
myself with things that really mean something to me, such as
myself. Ooops... I already do that anyway and I am actually
quite successful at living in the "real" world.
Next time
come up with something more original... if you think you are
insulting me you are going to have to try a little harder you
sexually frustrated dickless wonder.
And by
the way... I don't have to prove how cool I am to everyone else...
I am in a competition against myself. I noticed long ago it
was hard to find anyone quite as dynamic as me... it's just
a fact of life.
Love always,
Catherine
Sunday
July 9, 2000
Michele
is moving back to California. I am kind of sad to see her leave
but she has a better opportunity out there plus I have been
invited to come out to see her so I am sure next time I am in
San Francisco I will see her.
Yesterday
she had a pool party at her parents house and I stayed longer
to talk to them. I thanked them for staying married and still
having a home because it was a comfort to see. I found out that
you can get passed your abusive childhood intact and not only
make something of yourself but honestly help others.
You know
sometimes I get some pointless dribble like the entry above
in my guestbook and it makes me sad to think that people can
be so shallow because the next week I will get someone that
thanks me for explaining the cancer thing or my favorite how
the Female Ejaculation tips worked for them. I am partially
to blame for a child coming into this world because of those...
So I am
sending out a hello to me mate, Peter. He rocks. He has been
with me for almost 4 years now. It's been great having this
kind of electronic support.
Some days
I want to give up and others days I want to elaborate more.
I should start telling funny Internet stories.
Anyways...
just two more loads and I will be out of storage!!!
I hope
you have a happy Sunday... I know I am.
Tuesday
July 11, 2000
I purchased
a washer and dryer last night. I am supposed to be doing stuff
for Bob but I mis placed the cable to his camera. Thank god
I took some extra photos with my real camera.
Even though
I couldn't move in with Lesli I figured out a compromise to
both of our situations by asking her if she could help me move
in. I have been told I can never buy another beauty product
until I use up at least half of my shit. I think Lesli was completely
right in her justification of telling me this because once you
have over 6 things of deodorant... I forgot how many bottles
of shampoo and conditioner she found. Diana used to tease me
that my apartment was like a spa because I have got so much
shit that makes you feel girly.
Jenna
kept walking around last night saying "How much can one 20 something
year old accumulate?" Well... she used my real age. It's tragic
to think I can fill up a three bed room house with all my shit
comfortably. A queen sized water bed that will not be fill because
Kevin will be moving in and a King sized bed.
None of
these things I would have if my mother were still alive. I need
to have my grandfather make me another bookshelf because I have
too many books.
Even though
no one agrees with me I think I might let Kevin inhabit the
upstairs so I can have a little bit of extra spending money.
I go back and forth on that all the time. No one thinks it's
a good idea because of our history but I think we get along
fairly well. I think as long as he stays away from me and I
stay away from him then everything should be OK.
Wednesday
July 12, 2000
All of
a sudden I have gotten all these shitty guestbook signings.
Hmmmm... like I really have to wonder... is what's his name
pissed because he got me off on the other week and the I didn't
"give him what he wanted?" I had very little interest on who
he was as a person what so ever and now this... quienkidink?
Maybe
it's really him signing a bunch of shit. I think if I were working
for the Army in a city where I couldn't pick up girls because
I was such an ass then I would be angry at the one person that
was willing to date me until she found out I was smoozing on
one of her best friends too.
But then
again I never have a problem getting a big fat cock.
MICKEY
IS IN TOWN!!!! I was so excited. I don't like to drink that
much and sitting here with a severe hang over reminds me just
why I don't. I had three ales last night at the Irish Rover.
I went to high school with Mikey and we went through some severe
growing pains together.
Luckily
we are both around and we could be drinking last night. Her
parents are sending her and her husband to Acapulco in hopes
of getting a baby we all suspect. Anyway we sat around and drank
and had a great time. I got back to my place around 11.
There
are certain changes my body undergoes when I have been drinking.
Kevin calls it whiskey dick only last night I wasn't drinking
whiskey but beer. He had a particularly shitty day and both
his clients were sent to jail for 20 years. He was not a happy
camper.
I was
horny as fuck so I called him after midnight and he swore to
me he had to wake up early and do all this shit today. "Sassy
Joe, No."
"Then
talk dirty to me."
"You mean
you want me to tell you what it's like when the big fat cock
goes inside and your pussy is hungry for it. You pussy gets
all hot and wet and wraps clamps down on the big fat cock..."
"Well,
I might as well come over because now I have a chubby."
We fucked
like minx baby, yeah. And then after we were done and we were
about to fall asleep I rolled over and began sucking his cock
and made him hard again so he could fuck me again. I love fucking
Kevin. I don't know if I am in love with him but I do love his
cock slamming hard inside of me.
You know
what the best orgasms for a woman are? The ones where you tent
and you can actually feel your cunt trembling from torrents
of pleasure. Those are my favorites anyway. And I can ensure
you every time I am with Kevin I achieve such orgasms because
he usually waits for me to finish first.
I think
the most sadistic thing I have ever done to one of my lovers
is to tell him he couldn't come even though I already had. The
pained look on his face brought a certain amount of pleasure
to me simply because I knew he couldn't come because I told
him not to.
Can I
tell you how much I love being a girl?
My hands
smell like girl cum today. I keep getting wafts of girl cum
as I am working even though I have washed my hands. Sometimes
that smell never comes off.
Thursday
July 13, 2000
I find
myself standing and staring at things I forgot existed. I just
look and look at all the shit I have. Lesli has ordered me not
to buy another thing of lotion or any toiletries until at least
half of mine are gone. I don't know why I collect so many prizes
of vanity because I don't see myself as being that vain. I don't
stop to look at myself in the mirror sometimes before I go to
work. Sometimes I will find a blemish much later in the afternoon
and I am somewhat embarrassed that I didn't look at myself sooner.
It's hard
to believe date wise I have been working for a month. Lately
it has been particularly stressful. If you want some beautiful
rugs and are in the market for such gems, you should check out
our
rugs on e-bay, Yahoo!,
and last but not least Amazon.com.
So if
you just so happen to have some money laying around and you
want a quality rug cheap I highly suggest that you look into
some of the stuff we have up there. I wouldn't go for a hand
tufted one nor an Indian Dhurrie (and if you do I disavow that
you are my reader because some of those fuckers are just atrocious).
The rest are all fucking awesome and priced ridiculously low.
There is one antique Chinese rug I am thinking about bidding
on because it's $300.
I called
Conni out in Ca. the other day. We chatted for a bit. I told
her the situation here and she told me that sometimes you just
have to accept things for the way they are. Maybe Kevin and
I can make decent companions for a while and not have to push
the issue further. Just enjoy each other's company and maybe
that's some of the best advice.
So Lesli
has me about 65-75% unpacked. I am grateful because it all seems
like it would have taken me a fucking life time to accomplish
everything she did. Or at least it would have taken me forever.
I look at my china and I think "Damn... I have a lot of shit."
And I do. Things I forgot I had... things that bring me a certain
amount of joy. Maybe I should put some of my pottery up on e-bay
for sell. Everyone has been surprised at some of the pottery
I have done and if I had the chance, I would make some more.
By the
way it's way too fucking hot here in Kanfuckme. I walk outside
and it's just plain dreadful. I am glad I work inside, that's
for damn sure. I went and had my hair done today and told Kimmy
to cut most of it off. Elena was there because she had fucked
up her own hair yesterday and she had it cut. I think Kimmy
took off close to 4" so now my hair has a more even tone to
it. I may have sacrificed length but at least it is awesome
now and actually looks professional.
I asked
those fuckers at HH FUCK UP to deliver my shit in the
afternoon yesterday and naturally they fucked it up. I called
and was a cunt today and now they are going to deliver and install
them for free. I almost canceled my order but then I said to
the manager "What are you going to do to make me happy?"
I was
hoping he would take $100 off but ha... I didn't make that obvious.
I hate sales people. That dick... what the fuck ever.
Kevin
came by last night and we froliced around. Since I am tired
it was easy for him to pin me down and let's face it, I am not
in the mood to put up much of a fight.
I love
my new bed.
The strangest
thing about work so far is that I became friends with a girl
named Becky and our childhoods are so close to one another we
could almost be the same person. I can't wait until Edonia is
live and you can read her work. She has to be the most talented
author I have ever known on a daily basis. She writes all flowery
and girly too. Imagery that fleshes out like the invisible man
before your eyes.
I am still
loving my job but not as much as I had been. I mean there are
always some things that you don't like about your job and I
have figured out several things about mine. I don't need to
go into detail yet or maybe I won't go into detail at all but
there are things I could do without but honestly, for the most
part I still love it. I don't like working on Saturdays, that's
one thing I can say I don't like and another thing I have realized
is that most men are just pigs.
I don't
deal well with office romance and shit like that. I don't believe
in improving your dating pool by starting a job at a new place,
I think that is wrong and very unprofessional but sometimes
I find that men just let shit fly out of their mouths... I always
like to say shit back but I am finding even that is getting
old.
I try
not to get too excited or pissed about much of anything these
days... instead my worries surround my trip to Russia. Sure
I have done it 3 other times and this time I can finally say
"I have lived 6 months of my life in Russia" and that makes
me excited but I am scared that things won't work out the way
I hope them to... it's Russia after all.
Monday
July 17, 2000
Wow...
it's been 4 days.
I am tired.
Not the kind of tired you get from playing softball or exercising
but the kind of tired where you are weary or unsettled for one
reason or another.
I was
going to try to go on this protein diet but then Jenna told
me that if you don't eat carbs then your brain isn't being fed
and your brain thrives on glucose so I decided that depraving
my brain of food was not such a good idea.
So...
I don't want an eating disorder, there seems to be enough of
that going around to leave me out. Besides I can think of hundreds
of other interesting things to obsess about besides my weight.
I had
so much to write about but now... I went and saw the late show
of The X-Men last night and it fucking rocked. I jumped
several times the worst being when Wolverine was being attacked
in the snow. That made me jump pretty bad.
Oh...
now I remember what I wanted to write about. We had a little
party as a predassor to our huge ass party we are going to throw
before I leave for Russia. Matt and Sue, Ed and Kathy, Theodore,
Andy, Kevin and myself were all there and we all had German
potato salad, baked beans, bar-b-qued ribs and some roasted
marshmallows. Kevin didn't think to pick up shit for smaores.
There was watermelon but only a few of us ate on it.
But it
was nice socializing and having fun. Deanna from work came by
on Friday night and we sat around and chatted until 10 when
her beau came back into town. I was supposed to go to a party
with Jacinta but I didn't call her back and I think I passed
out right after Deanna left. She's so sweet.
I came
to work on Saturday but nobody else was here. The doors were
locked and everything. I hopped back into my car and called
my landlord and he came out and fixed the washer to the cold
water thingie so I could wash my clothes. I think I did 8 loads
on Saturday as I went around putting shit into order. I bought
a paper shredder and tore up a ton of shit I had laying around
that I didn't feel like getting rid of earlier.
Sunday
I stood from 11:30 until 3:30 ironing all my clothes for the
next couple of weeks. I love having a washer and dryer. IT makes
life so much easier.
Mikey returns
from Aculpco tonight...
Tuesday
July 18, 2000
This is
really fucking gross. I think it's the grossest image I have
ever seen on the net and there is no way in hell I took it.
It leaves
me hurling chunks and reminds me that A) my ass really never
needs to be on a motorcycle and B) my ass really never needs
to be on a motorcycle. I bet he was wearing his helmet too since
only his face is fucked up.
Shudder.
Gag. Hack. Shiver.
Deanna
and Andy came by last night. Yesterday was a shitty day at work
and even I was in a foul fucked up mood. It must be this new
solar and lunar calendar that is getting ready to sync up.
August
is going to be a very interesting month. I have to get my visas.
I have to figure out what I am going to pack... I have so many
things to do.
Lately
I have been in a sullen mood because of the whole Anne situation.
She pissed me off and I atom bombed her when she wasn't having
such a great day. There is other shit going on as well that
she never talks about but I can't say I really feel sorry for
her. I want to feel something... I would like to be close to
her but with our history I think it's impossible.
Too much
hurt and not enough trust. I got sick of her not trusting me
long ago so it's something I have come to depend on. It makes
me sad but I am going to exhibit some tough love because I can.
I'm sick of putting myself in a position where I feel fucked
over. Maybe she feels the same way and we have a severe problem
communicating. I can't tell.
Maybe
I am just pissed because she didn't call me on my birthday,
she refused to pay her portion of storage when I was so destitute
I couldn't pay for shit or just her inattentiveness. I think
it's a lot of little wounds that have added up and left me with
this big fucking sore that never heals.
She's fucked
up and stress out and the bruises are back on her legs and naturally
she won't go to the doctor. I FUCKING HATE CANCER. If she gets
sick I'm gonna freak because I am her bone marrow donor and
that shit fucking hurts. IF she gets sick again I feel like
this house of cards I have carefully constructed will blow away
and my life will start at ground zero again.
Is there
any fucking way I can ever know peace? I don't think so. There
are clouds on standby in my life just waiting...
I can
already see it now... my life after Kazantip... coming home
and having my bone marrow sucked out and being out of work for
about 3 weeks or more and walking like a fucking duck until
next year since I heal so slowly.
Mmmmmm...
I love stress and living a life with no guarantees... not much
hope for stability. It's kinda like dancing in a mosh pit.
Fasten
your seat belts, I think it's going to be a bumpy ride.
Wednesday
July 19, 2000
It's a
beautiful day here. It's overcast and drizzly and COLD. Last
week the heat index was over 100. I hate summer. Although when
it is like it is today I revel in it. It hasn't been too hot
this summer though so that makes me think this winter is going
to be insufferable.
I sent
my shit out for my Russian and Ukrainian visas. When I get those
bitches in the mail... then I will be excited about going to
Russia. I think I got my ticket on Monday.
Zack finally
got a new job. I am soooooooo happy for him. He is making an
obscene amount of money now. It's almost disgusting. When I
think that in 3 years I can command over a 6 digit salary it
freaks me out. Hopefully I won't have to move although I am
sure that if I do I will be making 2 times what I am making
now but I don't think I would love the people as much as I do
here.
Deanna
took me out to eat for lunch. I had two iced Maggies, a chicken
Chimmy and some flan. IT was good. I try to make it a rule not
to drink for lunch but today sucks because I don't know what
is going on with Anne. I hate that just the treat of something
can loom over my head like my own personal thunder cloud.
I got
a letter from William Sanders the other day and I was happy
to know he is doing well. He went overseas for the first time and came up with a travel dialog.
It's funny how I haven't heard from him in over a year... I
think I gauge Internet time differently though...
Anne just
sent me a note and I feel a ton better. I spent last night thrashing
in my bed. I haven't done that in a long time. I woke up and
the covers were naturally on the floor. For some reason I actually
remember thrashing though.
Thursday
July 20, 2000
Today
I feel like shit. Absolutely. Some days have been good and some
bad but I think things will be easing up shortly. I don't know
if I am too emotional or it's just PMS.
I think
today I will blame PMS.
I have
been wanting to cry for over a week now and I can't. I was watching
20/20 last night about how a little girl was kidnaped and as
I watched the mother recount her tale, I started to cry. I'm
tearing up now. But when I start thinking about my own life.
I think maybe all I need to do is sleep. Whenever I feel this
way a nice coma sleep is necessary.
I need
to start thinking about my trip. Peter called me today and told
me all my visa shit should be taken care of. I am somewhat relieved.
I will be even more relieved when I get the documentation.
I'm really
excited to see Roman. If I think of him then I get happier because
he can always make me feel good. Plus my Russian will improve
vastly.
There...
I feel a little better.
I think
I need to figure out some better ways of dealing with stress.
I became
Reverend Catherine
Elizabeth Clay today. Thanks Princess Natalie. This means if I order the stuff I can park in
clergy now and even perform a wedding.
We are
starting to sell some rugs on-line now. I am really excited.
It took over a week to start seeing some results but now...
it's starting to pay off.
Kevin
made piazzas on the grill last night. Deanna and Scott came
by. We sat around and chilled and cooked. It was a good time.
I feel
like I need to write and write and write. I feel like I need
to keep some of it private too. There are some things I don't
feel comfortable writing about that are happening in my life
because I don't want people at work to know all these things
about me although I think if I write it for myself... I can
get some of this frustration I am feeling out of my system because
fucking just ain't cutting it.
Friday
July 21, 2000
Gee....
I wonder since I said something about shitty guestbook signings
and one person being related to them while understanding this
psychological phenomena when they don't get what they want they
retaliate... I haven't had a shitty guestbook signing all week.
Amazing how that happens.
I stopped
by Heine Brother's coffee house this morning and one
of my favorite professors was sitting there, Dr. Dakan. He had
recently had a heart attack which made me sad but he looked
really healthy. I walked up to him and I don't think he has
ever seen me as a blonde and kissed him on the cheek. He was
very delighted to see me. OK, maybe I was more delighted to
see him but that's beside the point. He was proud that I had
a decent job and that I was still living in the Louisville Area.
I saw
this guy I used to call Ken too. I have known him since I was
15 and we chatted about a friend we have in common named Bil
that now lives Prague. I sat down and drank my morning Chi with
Dr. Daken and I think that started my day off just right.
So now
I am optimizing images to put more stuff up on ebay. I need
to do shit for virtualgolf.com.
I have been trying to get used to free lancing on the side but
I can't. All my clients are calling me and asking me to do stuff
for them and I feel pretty tapped. I think I am going to have
to get a Microsoft computer so I can work on some of this stuff
at home.
I am actually
going to have a pretty easy day today. I think I am going to
optimize way too many images but it's easier to go back and
delete them then it is to be meticulous and do them one at a
time. I love Photoshop 5.5 and the actions palette. I am learning
about doing batch files and when I get back from Russia I am
going to get a negative scanner so I can scan all my images
in at home.
Geoff
was telling me how you can make web pages instantly in Image
Ready so I can't wait to start using some of those techniques.
I think when I get back from Russia I am just going to take
all my images to Murphy's and have them put straight on a disk.
* * *
This is
going to be a fucked up kind of day. I think I am going to be
in and out all day. I just got back from Mr. Ghatti's with the
crew. It's been pretty fun.
I wish
I could describe my work environment... but then I would have
to kill ya. All I can say is that I am working in the dark practically
but when we are taking shots of rugs then the lights pop and
they are right behind me. I will look over at Vince when he
does it and I am just so impressed because this is basically
his rig. He created it and it's beautiful.
I brought
a photo I took in my second semester of photography and it's
a man on the flood wall somewhere near Dixie Hwy. with Andy's
parents. There is a Salvador Dali poster I brought from Andy's
that was in his back shed titled La Tentation de St. Antoine.
I enjoy
what I am during these days. It's really complicated work right
now but it's stuff I can do quick and it's stuff I have been
doing for years for myself. I just wish I had a better chair...
I think I want to buy one of those chairs like John Paul has
and bring it to work. Those bitches cost $750 though.
Saturday
July 22, 2000
I decided
yesterday that since I hadn't seen Jacinta for a couple of weeks
that I would go where ever she wanted. My car is acting funny...
when it rains it doesn't want to start for some reason. I guess
while I am away I will get it fixed.
Andy took
me out to eat at Oldenburg and I ate a steak. I think
I am gaining weight. Jacinta asked me later last night if I
would join Shapnastics with her and I told her I already have
some classes I paid for that I need to use so I think our asses
are going to Shapnastics next week. I feel the need to aerobicize.
We hung
out, I drank a lot. Gotta love those vodka no hang overs. She
told me she saw that nasty photo I put in my diary and as she
was describing it to Mili I could feel myself getting sick.
She was talking about how it wouldn't have been so gross had
she not been eating a Twix. That made me think of his tongue
just hanging out. She showed a co-worker and that girl freaked
I think... I don't remember now. All I can remember is Jacinta
telling me she was eating a Twix when she saw it.
I can't
even look at it.
Vince
and Bobbie are having a cook out tonight so I am going to get
loaded.
I have
learned so much about carpets in the past day. The most valuable
thing I have learned is that when you scratch on the carpet
and you come up with a lot of wool then you have a cheap rug
that will end up in your vacuum and collect shit. A really,
really nice fucking rug shimmers when you rub your hands over
it. It still feels like a pelt. When I was petting my cat today
I was thinking about how soft his fur was and it's comparable
to a very nice carpet. Plus the knot count per square inch is
invaluable. A 9 knot by 9 knot per square inch is a very good
rug and there are some that are even 13 knots by 13. I think
it goes even higher but then we are getting into child labor
issues because your fingers have to be small enough to get the
knots through and tied.
That's
the end of today's lesson.
Sunday
July 23, 2000
Last night
fucking rocked. Vince and Bobbie, my supervisors, had a party
last night and I was completely fucked up. Vince made a Ta-kill-ya
watermelon and some of the pieces were so strong I had to spit
them out. For the most part I ate a ton of watermelon. I drank
5 melon balls, shot 4 rattlesnakes, 3 Kamazki's and drank a
smattering of beer here and there. Oh yeah... one rum and coke.
See...
I was completely fucked up and I remember everything from Scott
passing out in the lawn to the moment when Becky left. I remember
everything when I am drunk so I don't see how it's hard for
other people to forget stuff so easily.
Kevin
and I had a fight before I left because he already told Ed and
Kathy he would meet them for a surprise party and I was livid
because he always hangs out with his friends and has been known
not to want to hang out with mine. After getting myself in a
tizzy as I laid down for my pre-party nap, I figured out he
could just be dropped off on his way back in.
We were
just eating some of Vince's succulant beef when they showed
up. Oh my God it was sooooo good. I can't remember the last
time I had eaten and drank so much.
Deanna's
plans for the weekend fell through so she was back early. It
took some convincing but she finally showed up. Becky was there...
Shelby was running around having a good time. I admire Bobbie
for letting her hang out and allowing her the personal freedom
to be around someone like me who uses "fuck" every other word.
I know some people freak out about that shit.
I was
in heaven though... I walked around their place and it's huge.
Lots of room for a 3 people and there were Ilford boxes placed
here and there and it made my heart swell to be around someone
else that developed their own work.
Vince
has these crazy fucked up photos of celebrities. We'll use Socks,
the Clinton's cat, as a prime example although he doesn't want
to be famous for that. So he photographed Socks in the lawn
and they used that photo as their Christmas card. I, myself,
find this to be pretty impressive because you honestly don't
know how many people received that card and it could be laying
around somewhere... I should look for one on ebay and make him
sign it so it's worth some money some day.
Kevin
ended up drinking a lot too. I know when to say when and from
even before the moment I got there I told Bobbie I was going
to get fucked up. I haven't been on a big bender in a long time
and I don't know if it was overdue but it was necessary as far
as I am concerned.
Whenever
we go out with Kevin's friends they eventually start talking
about work and then get depressed and shit. Last night we talked
a little about work, took some shots for some hopeful success
and that was about the extent of it. Becky was playing with
Shelby and badminton and gave me one of the best compliments
I have ever heard by say that I was the most real person she
had met in Kentucky since she got here 4 months ago. Sometimes
it freaks me out to be complimented like that because no matter
what I do there is this black hole that makes me think I somehow
don't deserve all the wonderful things going on in my life right
now. To be acknowledged for that is humbling especially when
I have Kevin in the back of my mind saying something about me
tooting my own horn. Sometimes I think he's just a big fucking
baby and pissed that no one gives him attention or maybe I am
the big fucking baby and I just need lots of affirmation from
people I care about or who I want to like me tell me things
that make me feel good about myself.
And God
forbid I might just start believing some of the things people
say to me...
We talked
about our first concerts, how old we all were when we lost our
virginities (and I am not the one that brought that up thank
you very much). It was a really great time and one of the best
I have had this entire summer. It was nice to see my co-workers
animated and happy and not with eyes glazed over from staring
at the computer screen all day.
So Kevin
and I both got completely fucked up and stayed the night and
I can't honestly remember the last time I felt so safe and slept
so well. It was quite because they live out in the boonies and
the only thing I heard this morning was the chirping of the
birds. Last night I fell asleep to a chorus of crickets and
Kevin's loud ass snoring.
I think
I am going to run to Danville. I want to but it's already 4.
I have shit I have to do around here and if I don't go see them
today then I have to next weekend.
I think
I should pause for a moment and comment on how much my life
has changed now that I have a job. I love the money but I miss
my freedom. I love what I am doing and for the most part I love
my co-workers. All the tension and anxiety of not having a job
for so long and not feeling like a part of something... what
a waste of energy. I think by the time I started to relish my
freedom and not working that's when things started to happen.
If you don't have a job or are worried about your future you
shouldn't be. There is only one theme that remains steady no
matter where you are and that is how you deal with stress and
your performance. If you aren't working not don't sweat it because
chances are you will never have that kind of freedom ever again
and I love to say that I enjoy my life like the twenty-something
female I am.
So...
don't sweat the small stuff. It's funny, I was talking to Andy
the other day and talking about some of the problems I am having
and I guess I have a tendency to blow things out of proportion
but Andy looked at me and said "You have the same problems every
woman is having for once in you life. Pick up any magazine and
the solutions to your problems will be written for you."
That just
opens another door all together. If you put that shit into your
head then what are you going to get in return?
I would
also like to say that in retrospect, I am really fucking glad
my art was censored. At least I learned that I don't have to
take my art so personally... or that I can separate personal
art from corporate art. I would have a hard time letting something
go I worked so hard on if I was doing it for myself... why as
a matter of fact I can think of one thing I worked on that I
gladly took off my website that was personal but it's not like
I am hurting myself by doing such a thing. Times change and
people change and life changes. People don't always accept change
so easily.
So I am
going to leave you with the immortal words of Princess Natalie
once again with The
Wisdom of Supermodels!!! Enjoy!
Monday
July 24, 2000
I put
a rug for sale that was supposed to be twice what I put it down
for so... I stayed up last night freaking out about it until
2. I knew even before Vince told me. I felt like shit but then
I found out it was what we paid for it so I don't feel that
bad and Dave took the flack.
All I
have to say is that I am learning. We are going to fuck up.
More people are helping us now so the room for error will be
closer to nil.
Wednesday
July 26, 2000
Two things
happened yesterday I never expected. One was horrible. I never
hope to repeat that mistake again. The other was kind of nice
and Jen actually signed my guestbook and apologized for being
a bitch but she was mad at me for some reason that I don't honestly
care about. I wish I could say I was sorry for my behavior but
I was reacting to her being a bitch to me for what ever reason
she was mad at me for.
I just
think it's wrong to hold other people responsible for your anger
if it was unwarranted.
The other
thing that happened yesterday was a big fucking mess. I am no
longer designing sites for people I don't like anymore. Fuck
that. I have a regular job and I want to design sites for people
I care about and people that act professional.
Andy tossed
this client over my way and I had no respect for him from the
start. He was smarmy and gave me the fucking creeps. He thought
doing HTML and stuff was a big ordeal until he watched me change
some things in front of him and then he wanted me to do shit
all the time. He was very demanding for no fucking reason. Where
his site was hosted had changed and he didn't have the server
name and he kept writing to me and calling me acting like it
was my fault I couldn't make the changes we worked on together
because I didn't have a server to FTP the info to. I kept telling
him this over and over again and he just didn't get it until
I sat down with him another fucking day where he kept pushing
the time he wanted to meet me back because he went drinking
after work.
I'm sorry
but be respectful of my time. That night Mikey was in town and
since she lives in North Carolina I don't get to see her much.
I told him I wouldn't work past 8:30 and I think it was 9:30
before we left Andy's. I could smell alcohol on his breath so
I knew if it was that strong then he really didn't have the
capabilities to understand what the hell was going on because
he kept changing things. I know I am not lying about this shit
because Deanna and Andy were right there.
I didn't
like his blatant disrespect of my time and I didn't like his
idea of web designing because I don't believe in ripping large
portions of your site off in order get someone to buy the domain
name for a couple of million. Especially since all it has on
it are a bunch of links and images he stole off other people's
site.
The icing
on the cake was that he kept asking me to do some work and I
didn't want to work on Friday night but I went on and did it
anyway. I also added a link to my web page and honestly forgot
to link to my professional site. On Monday he went through with
front page and took it off.
Yesterday
morning I took down his files. He was telling me how unprofessional
I was being and I told him how unprofessional he was by telling
me he needed me to do some work for him, getting his girlfriend
to change it and then taking my link off. Excuse me but I guess
we never discussed that so from now on it's going to be up front
in a contract.
I told
him when I got my money I would put his files back up because
his obvious lack of distrust caused me to distrust him. He threatened
me with legal action and I practically laughed as I wrote "Since
my dad is T.Clay and he practically runs this city..." This
had more impact especially since dad was in the papers and on
TV all week last week and any brain dead moron in this town
has more then likely heard of him.
He wanted
me to know how angry he was though but I was equally as pissed.
I ended up ftping the files back after he paid Andy the money
he owed me. I know that I will never deal with anyone I don't
like ever again. From now on I am going to meet with my clients
and see if I like them and if I don't, I honestly don't have
to take on their work. Plus if that client hasn't ruined it
with this architect I might be working for, after that I will
start charging 100 dollars an hour to make it just painful enough
for them to realize that my time is very valuable and you better
not fuck around with my time since you are the one paying the
bill.
I need
to work on a site for Henry's Ark. I am doing that one pro-bono
and when I get the chance I hope to make it a kid friendly site
over the next year by using flash and all kinds of things to
make it fun.
I did
something I am not very proud of last night and I yelled at
Andy at the top of my lungs because I was so frustrated with
the situation. He told me that I probably shouldn't be doing
work on the side and that if I needed money that bad I could
still come to him.
I tried
to explain to him that it wasn't the money, it was the principal
of the matter. I felt like I was compromising my integrity as
a designer for working for that... man and I had no respect
for him. Andy tried to tell me that he could have sent me more
clients and I was just like... whatever. Why didn't he call
when I was unemployed for all those months? If he were that
well connected then he should have utilized my services long
ago.
Maybe
part of my frustration is compounded by the fact that I am bleeding
like a stuck pig and let's face it, no woman is ever completely
rational when she has chunks of blood pouring out of her cunt.
I wonder how a man would deal with that shit.
So yesterday
was a horrible day but I learned a lot. I kept trying to get
Keith McKinney to draw me up a contract so I wouldn't run into
these problems and at least now I know exactly what I want it
to say. I have very strict rules that I personally abide by
and I don't think I am asking too much to get paid regularly
or when I ask for my money so I should be able to take your
site down for non-payment. This is a problem I have found in
this industry is that people like to "nickel and dime" (Andy's
words) you to death.
At least
I had a good cry last night but I didn't like the way I yelled
at Andy. I hate that that part of me still exists... I hate
that when I have a temper I have one that is so rotten it scares
even me.
Every
once in a while I entertain ideas of talking to my dad again
and then something like this happens and I remember just what
it was like to be abused and how difficult it would be for me
to put myself in those circumstances again. I don't need that
out of life.
So...
I am exhausted and I don't really want to be at work but today
is an easy ass day.
Friday
July 28, 2000
I am optimizing
images as I write. Deanna is a lot of fun to work with. Last
week she was a receptionist and I am working on a massive project...
putting close to 6000 rugs up for sale on ebay, so I needed
help and my boss was trying to think who could help me and I
was like "I want Deanna to help me. She's really smart and she
can pick stuff up really easy." So now we work together.
WE have
been almost inseparable for a couple of weeks now. She has me
on this protein diet where you go back to basics. I suppose
I will give it a try.
I have
been soooooooooooooooo busy. Last night I went walking with
Jenna and right after that Grisha needed me to pick up the futon
he just bought. His wife is going to be here on Wednesday and
I am excited about meeting her.
He tried
to put it in the back of his car and when I got there I was
like "Which head were you thinking with when you decided that
putting a futon in the back of your car would be a good idea?"
He giggled. I love his new apartment. I see why he moved for
2 reasons. It's really close to where he works and it's kind
of like a Russian apartment building.
Then I
went home to meet Kevin to talk about cable. I took my bath
and Ian came over with his friend and room mate Derrick. I was
talking about how sweet it was to hang out with young guys.
They are so pretty. Right before some psychotic bitch has fucked
their lives up and caused them irreversible psychic damage.
Girls
need to have some kind of education. It needs to start with
don't take anything seriously. Don't worry about your fucking
weight because no one really gives a fuck, guys will fuck anything...
(insert choice political figure's photo here). Plus I have noticed
guys that care about that kind of shit are insecure themselves
and usually have a little dick. It has been my experience that
you have to tell people to shut up every once in a while and
just fucking enjoy themselves. Guys can't decide which underware
they like the best and it's only through experience can they
decide what kind of person they want. The same should go for
girls. You shouldn't latch on to the first guy that comes along
and loves you. I think variety is the spice of life.
I do not
condone fucking with a married man. Here's a great story. I
had sex with a married guy... he was my first boyfriend. He
was the first guy to ever kiss these lips. I would give him
head but I wouldn't fuck him because I made a bet if I could
stay a virgin until I was 16, my mom would give me $50. To an
8 year old that's a lot of money. To a 16 year old... that was
a lot of money. I wasn't going to fuck him.
So fast
forward to 2 years ago when I was in Kiev and I checked my e-mail
and he wrote me a letter for apologizing for being such a dick.
I accepted and when I came home we hung out a couple of times.
He would come home and tell his wife that he loved me because
I knew how to use Linux. She would get jealous especially since
he had cheated on her before.
I was
determined not to do that because it tore my family up. Then
one day she went nuts and beat the fuck out of him with a hard
drive. Later that night he swore to me that he would never go
back to her. We had sex and he kept telling me how his wife
knew how to please him and shit like that. I didn't need to
hear that shit especially since I was kissing his boo-boos.
I gave
him some time to himself, started dating Kevin, went to Chicago
to free-lance and he ICQ-ed me to get him a job where I was
and amazingly enough I did. He doubled his salary and took his
wife because now that he was making the kind of money she wanted
him to then things should have improved. She went psycho again
and tried to kill herself.
Fuck married
men. If they were stupid enough to marry some dumb cunt that
wasn't sexually compatible with them then what's the fucking
point? Having a great maturing relationship? Fuck that, I have
Zack for that and he doesn't put me through sexual nightmares.
I am a better woman because of Zack and I freely admit that.
People
have to realize the nature of relationships has got to change.
There is nothing wrong with having a sexual relationship with
someone as long as you both accept that it is a relationship
in and of itself.
Maybe
I'm jaded... I don't know. The only couple I know that seems
to be very happy through and through is Jacinta and Mili. They
have arguments she tries to convince me but I think it's just
more of personality differences than anything.
So if
you are married now you have my justification on why it is I
won't fucking touch you. I saw how it completely ripped my family
apart and I have had a really bad experience personally. I'm
sorry your were stupid and married someone that doesn't fit
you.
So...
there is something I have never discussed in my diary at full
length.
What else
is going on...
I am perfecting
my drinking habits. Now I can only drink gin and diet tonic.
Let me tell you, giving up sugar is hard. Especially since I
am the daughter of an alcoholic and addicted to it.
I can't
remember the last time I went this long without it. I made cookies
last night for Ian and derrick and I almost died.
Saturday
July 29, 2000
God damn
this month has flown by. I hate it that I have been in a bad
mood almost all week. Zack might be here today or tomorrow so
when he gets here I know I will be in a better mood.
Kevin
is moving most of his shit today. I am glad that all the bills
won't fall on my shoulders now. I didn't get to deposit my check
yesterday so I have like $5 in my account and I was glad to
know that I have enough money to pay my rent this week and not
have to wait until next week.
I have
to start getting ready for my trip to Russia. God... that's
right around the corner. Normally I think I would be sooooo
excited but since I have been working so much my level of excitement
is low. Plus we launch this site on Tuesday so everyone is busting
their ass that extra mile.
Sunday
July 30, 2000
Fuck...
just one more day in July.
Kevin
wrecked my truck moving shit yesterday. He didn't pump the brakes.
Needless to say I went ballistic. There wasn't a lot of damage
but now my insurance is going to soar.
It be different
if he loved me. A lot of things would be different but I don't
feel like he has the things I feel like I need from a companion
to share the rest of my life with. I can say he is Mr. Right
Now without feeling guilty. He does satisfy a piece of me that
needs someone to hang around but like Jenna says, I should be
careful.
Jenna
has been listening to Dr. Laura lately. She has a lot of respect
for her although I don't think someone should be up on the pulpit
preaching to the masses unless they have their own shit together
and can say "I speak from personal experience." Which is what
I like to think I am doing.
People
hate me, people love me it's all the same to me because those
emotions come from the same place. I don't care as long as you
feel something. There are so many things in this life that box
you into feeling a certain way and it would make life so much
easier if we all realized we are always changing and evolving
and we take what we can from one another as we go then it makes
our journey less of a burden.
Sometimes
I think of myself as a pack mule. I put way too much of a burden
upon myself and then I always come back smelling like a rose
instead of mule shit. I don't know if that is my resilience
from being raised the way I was or the desire inside of me that
fuels my curiosity so I can push myself harder and harder.
I told
Kevin to wait until today to move shit and he didn't listened
to me. He told me yesterday that it was going t orain today.
It's sprinkling but nothing like that mess that was yesterday.
He almost had an accident earlier that day in my car as the
brakes locked up on him. I don't know why he was on the expressway.
I don't know why he wasn't more careful if he knew the brakes
were giving him problems. It almost makes me wonder if he was
thinking about those things but hindsight is 20/20. I have to
get my truck looked at tomorrow. What a fucking headache. So
either Kevin is going to have to take the bus or I am going
to have to car pool.
Working
the hours I have been this is kind of a dilemma and since the
site is supposed to go up on Tuesday it couldn't have happened
at a worse time. Things are shifting at work too so I have to
wait for that to happen before I can get anymore work done.
How convenient
that Zack is coming to town. At least after I drop my truck
off tomorrow I can get a ride home. Sometimes things work in
mysterious ways.
Next weekend
is my last weekend before I leave for my trip. I am very excited.
Kevin and I went to Lesli's last night and as we walked in I
said "We would have been here sooner but Kevin was driving."
and that sparked a little animosity in him.
"You know
usually there has to be a scab formed before you pick at the
wound." Not my bad, baby. I wonder how happy he would have been
with me if the shoe were on the other foot. Would he be understanding
and compassionate? Would he kiss my boo boos away? NO! He's
not like that with me, ever. You have this person that you want
to love and respect and when you fill them with cynicism and
shit of coarse that is what you are going to get in return.
I don't care if I seem callous, it's not his rates that are
going to go up.
I think
I should make him take the bus to work. Inconvience his ass
instead of mine. But wait... one of the girls he works with
lives just a few houses down.
I washed
clothes yesterday. I ironed. Lesli made us pork tenderloin and
I don't know why but as I sat at the dinner table last night
I felt a lot more different then I have in the past. A lot calmer
and more serene. I was so happy to be spending time with my
family. I am beginning to think now that if we didn't have to
work so hard to be a family that I would appreciate it as much
when we were together. I don't know... All I can say is that
I really enjoyed Lesli and Doug's company last night.
I came
home, ironed some of my clothes so now I don't have anything
to iron and just a few things to wash and that makes me ecstatic.
I need to get some coat hangers though. Then Jenna came by and
we walked around for a while. Kevin was being a weenie and "shusshed"
her and you just can't "shush" Jenna.
So we
walked around my completely suburban neighborhood last night
with 13 years old girls sneaking out after midnight and teenage
boys on roller blades goofing off.
I also
talked with Jen last night. I am bummed that I won't get to
see her on the 19th but she understood and said she would rather
see me out in Ca. I have to make 2 trips out there this year
to see Conni and Tanya and hopefully to go scuba diving with
Jen. I hope it works out that I can go out there sometime in
September.
OK...
I have to help Kevin finish moving in.
