Monday March 1, 2004
It's just another Manic Monday....
I gave my first Female Ejaculation Lesson today.
I rotted in the doctor's office for 3 hours and told that
I was depressed. "Well how would you feel if you
had an incurable brain tumor that is killing your pituitary
gland?"
Duh.
"
Don't get mad, get Glad!" So I came home to my tiny little
apartment and
" Jeff" called me to set up our
meeting. He had a million questions. I wish I would have
taped them
all so I would have them.
Dallas is going to build my shopping cart. Harley can be my
body guard. Erin can book my schedule. If I can sell packages
for $500 then I can teach these people how to make better love.
Some jack ass called me today to tell me that he could
teach me a thing or two about loving. "You are my
cum holder..."
Yeah right. "I'm sorry but I am not giving anything
away for free anymore. If you want it you are going to
have to pay."
" But I am so good looking. You can charge the other guys.
I can also send you a client or two..."
" Send me the client first then we will
talk. I'm not giving to charity."
So now I have to get the website going. I need to teach lectures.
I have an interview tomorrow....
" You
aren't THE Jeff that worked with Paracel, are you? I was
going to say because if you were tied in with them I
was going to have to cancel my appointment."
" No,
we let him go in December."
So that's
a 40K job doing lead gen just up the hill. This is just until
I can start booking like 4 or 5 people a
day for their lessons. "How much if I am charging $500 per person
and there are 8 people a day?"
"
That can't be right" Dallas tells me over the phone. "It's
1.5 million. That's for 300 days."
Saturday
March 6, 2004
I've been writing my book. #1 . And watching movies.
I went
and saw "The Dreamers" with Zorba the
other day on his birthday. I took him for dinner
too.
I've been trying to get more people to take my lessons. I know
there is a market out there for me now. When I posted on Craigslist
I got 2000 hits the other day.
Suki came over last night. We rented "Better Than Sex" and "Adaptation." I
have lost my desire for sex now that
I am doing something I love.
It's really hard for me right now to think of much of anything.
I have been sleeping, I got a job with a company where Michelle's
ex coke head boyfriend worked until December where they thankfully
parted ways.
Suki has a job interview there next week. I hope he gets the
job. When I found out Jeff's name and remember that Jeff was
Michelle's ex's name I called him back to make sure he wasn't
coke head Jeff because if he was I wasn't going to work for
him.
Thank God he left. I could not continue that fucking saga.
They left my voice mail up at fucking Paracel. You can still
call my number and voila I am there!
Dallas and I are going to work on the porn site. She is going
to worry about the back end shit and help me work with the
front end.
I finally got to shut off my shower. I have lost 15 pounds
since I started using the patch. I went on the Metimucil diet
again too because when I think of all the junk that is in my
system I get a little unhappy because chemicals have a way
of staying in your body to cause colon cancer and I don't want
cancer too.
Sunday
March 7, 2004
I
start my new job tomorrow. I woke up around 2 today and put
the "do Nothing Book" to heart and did absolutely
nothing today but work on my shit. Arachnoid
Cyst is updated, Concepts and DDD.
Things
are things. I talked with Granny on the phone. She didn't
realize I would be home at the end of April. I think I am
going to change my ticket so I am there longer. No fuck that.
Remember what happened the last time? 4 days is plenty.
I talked with a lady today and she told me all kinds of horror stuff that had happened to her. I could hear the desperation in her voice, the fear and having one foot in the past and one in the present.
I'm lucky if I can remember a phone number and I try to forget things that were unpleasant so I don't spend my energy wasting my time on things that are unimportant.
The Jasmine is blooming outside. I fucking love it. I leave my windows open a little so the fresh air can come in. I met a Frenchman that is going to fly me to D.C. next weekend. I sent him my book. There is porn in there.
I must sleep.
Monday March 8, 2004
I got my first lead. $100 I hope. Not bad for my first day.
I am starting to freak out about things. Why should I be a success at porn? Why do I get attached to players? Why is the Passion of The Christ so popular? It really scares me to think about all this stuff. How people can be so easily taken over by things. I talked with Samantha and we agreed that it was too violent for us to see.
It's so funny how much I have changed now that all that pressure isn't on my brain. It's been challenging getting everything all worked out.
Tuesday March 9, 2004
Hot sun, The Di Vinci Code, and air that smells like suntan lotion.
I took the day off from work so I could get my drugs. They are not here.
I am so fucked. I have no money left. I haven't sent the check yet to Payrolling.com for my insurance.
Wednesday March 11, 2004
They are doing a benefit for Kim Sampson tomorrow
I took out an ad today to teach women how to squirt. Dallas and I are going to work on our porn site. She's going to do the back end crap and I am going to do all the front end.
I have to upload the site soon before next Thursday. I'm a bit nervous about how it's all going to play out but I think that's because I don't have a job now. I think Dallas and I are going to move in together and I am going to use this space for my office if I start getting a lot of people here. It would be nice to be able to afford something super cool. In a few months.
I went on a date with a guy last night. It was 2 for 1 at Myigai's and I basically ate for free. It was a bust because he dropped me off and the whole time he was checking out other women but I didn't care. It was a free steak and now that I am not working it's nice to eat.
I have an interview to be a talent scout tomorrow. I'm kind of excited about that. It should be cool.
I can't say how much
I hate Jessica Simpson. I don't know how there can be anyone dumber than
owl shit but I think that's her. She said she didn't want to be photographed
by a photographer that was missing his thumb because she wouldn't feel "sexy". That's because she's not "sexy" but
just another empty hollow cunt whose parents have over protected her. God
help us if she breeds. I give her and Nick 3-5 years tops because he will
have a breaking point and fuck around on her.
I can't stand to watch TV anymore. My mind is melting.
So then some guy named Gordon came over and we shot the shit and fell asleep. He wanted me to show him how to ejaculate but I just wasn't feeling it and this morning when he woke up he went to the bathroom and left. I kept on sleeping and went in for an interview today at a dinky company.
Then I went to the LA Free Press and took out an ad to teach people The Gentle Art of Female Ejaculation. Hopefully something will come of it and I won't be stuck doing shit I can't stand for people I hate anymore.
Then I stick on a patch and my mind melts away. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to think. I don't want to eat. I don't want to write. I don't want to do anything but let my body recuperate from the long term damage it has suffered from. All I want to do is sleep.
I'm pissed at Buzzy. She fucking harps on my ass when she can't stand working anymore and I just have to let her go sometimes because it's just too painful to listen to her bitch and I don't have enough money to be doing this right now.
It's so quiet up here. I can't wait for Alex to go to work tomorrow. Doug isn't here so I have a bad sunburn on my back from where I have been laying out. I just put on another patch. I need to sleep. I took off that patch. It was too much and I got too sick.
I think I am going to leave the TV off for a couple of days to clear my mind of shit. I'm sick of feeling blecky because I can't think with my own thoughts and after hearing Jessica Simpson be such a cunt I really don't think I need that input.
I talk to Samantha almost daily now. We are more like sisters than ever before. I am so happy. I really want to see her at this conference at the end of the month but I don't think it's going to work out but you never know. That's how life is sometimes.
I am going to see a movie with Dallas tonight. Steven called me. He misses the times we had. Hopefully he can get his shit straightened out. I would like very much to be with him.
We went and saw Monster. What a fucked movie. It made me cry and naturally the blood hungry Bush's killed her. Fuck Jeb Bush. Instead of figuring out that she was an abused victim circumstances and life made her the Monster. She was the first CAUGHT female serial killer.
Since Zorba works there
on Sunset we got to see it for free. Then there was a "special" screening
and it was one of my all time faves, Angel Heart.
Steven called me during the movie to tell me they were missing millions. They made 95 million last year and that fucker won't do anything to help me out. I can't even try to keep it up. I won't do that to myself anymore.
Friday March 12, 2004
He comes to me anxious
and full of sexual energy he has not released. My body molds to his. His
hands are in my ass, in my cunt "Am I hurting you?"
"No." I have been playing
with myself all day. Barely asleep from the restless night of working on
websites and making fun of Jessica Simpson for being a cunt and making fun
of the thumbless photographer. Xavier woke me from my waking dream for a
quick fuck. He was only going to be here for two minutes. I played with his
cock and he loved it. I touch him the way he wants to be touched. He moans
with pleasure with the way I play with his foreskin rubbing the place right
where the skin attaches to his cock. My favorite place on a man.
I love to feel the confidence from an uncut cock. There is something about a man that isn't cut. More fun to play with. More sensitivity so when you roll your tongue over the foreskin you can play with the ridge and wobble it around your mouth peeling back the ridge and the mushroom to tickle him in the most tender spot where his foreskin attaches to his cock. The scar on a cut cock is even more sensitive but it makes me tragically sad to think of a baby's first days on the planet being violated so harshly. Like that poor baby that had Brain surgery the day it was born. It's such a violent act. I could never put a baby through that.
Then Michael called from Australia and told me to play with my ass. He says he's going to buy me a Porsche Cayenne when he comes here. I told him he could fuck me in the ass if he got me one.
I leave the night open for Steven. I crave his touch. I miss the warmth of his body and the softness of his skin. He's inside me wit his hands, his cock, he loves to watch my expressions. A sleepless night last night. My body aches. He loves me and leaves me and I am alone yet to play with another man in his place.
I almost scream "I love you!" but instead the words are: "I love your cock inside of me. Oh God... fuck me... fuck me harder... oh Steven that feels so good... oh God..." and
then the operetta inside of me comes out acupela.
"Pinch my nipples harder... oh God... oh yes... oooooooooo Steven. I'mmmmm gonnnna cooooommmmmeeeee...." and
my hips move to his rhythm. My vagina starts to Butterfly and I open up to
him. I give him my body hungrily, gladly. Our passion matches one another.
We are doggie style. His finger in my ass, spanking me and the falsettos
begin to rise again. My hips move down to match his movements. I am gushed
out, dehydrated from the first moment when he stuck his hand near my cunt.
I can't stand to be alone.
I miss Florent. I miss his tenderness and caring. His slobbering kisses yet
nothing compares to this love I have for Steven. Not Xavier's huge cock.
Not Suki's freak. I'm sick of guys thinking they can get off with me sucking
on their cock without giving me my due. I tell Suki in the warm air that
he can not come on my face and I will not suck on his cock when he won't
give it back "You just wanted me to fuck you." is his lame ass excuse. "If I am not getting, I am not giving" I
say to him.
"That's not fair."
Um... fuck you I don't care.
This other guy wants me to come to him. I don't have the gas. I'm freaking out slowly about money. When will the first EDD check come? I need to file for disability.
Steven goes over and over how the porn site will work. He wants me to meet other people. I can't leave to see this other man. I am feeling ill from the Salmon and the huge glass of Fiber crap that I have been drinking to cleanse my colon. Meshed with cigarettes. Plus I have no gas money. Those fuckers at Atena Home Delivery charged my cc after he told me they wouldn't so I called them and told them I wasn't going to pay for it and I was going to do a charge back which costs them $50.
Saturday March 13, 2004
I just woke up. I was in bed around 4 and I hadn't really slept the night before because I have been working on my porn site.
It's 8 pm.
I also wrote this last night and cried mourning so many things. Loving the wrong kind of man, missing my sister, and feeling beat.
There were two sisters that loved life more than anything. They loved
one another even though they were egotistically competitive in non
complimentary ways. They grew up from the roughest toxic waste of soil to bloom into two beautiful maidens that terrorized both the opposite and
same sexes with their sex appeal, charm and confidence for living life
and surviving yet another day.
The older one was cracked fundamentally by a catholic mother that
caught her with her son in a closet when they were eight. The sisters didn't understand religious guilt or sin because they were not exposed to
these beliefs. The younger sister would tell the older one how beautiful
she always was only she never felt pretty because of the circumstances
they were put under and that one experience she had when she was eight.
She wanted to protect the younger one from ever feeling that kind of
pain only she was not so successful because she wasn't there to protect
her sister when she needed her the most many years later because she,
herself, was already lost.
That crack tore them apart inside and puberty and jealousy drove them
apart by a mother who always wanted a sister and could only succeed at
driving them further apart with petty acts and lies. The older one was
mentally ill from an early age only no one really understood. She would
hurt the younger sister and not realize what was happening until much
later. She knew that the only person that ever truly loved her was her
sister because she was always there sleeping next to her in a tiny bed
room where they were never allowed to talk and just be sisters because
they were always scared of the red monster on the other side telling
them to shut up and go to bed.
The little girls didn't understand what was going on. Adult situations were thrust on their shoulders early and the responsibilities of being
human were taught young. The years wore on and faded senses of self
esteem were stripped away like the bark on a tree as it flakes from the
trunk from constant rain, sun and freezing temperatures which slowly
melted in the spring. Weather was a force of nature and only the strong
survive.
The older sister couldn't stand the love of the younger one because she was so perfect compared to the older sister. She blossomed into the
most beautiful woman in the world and the mirror did not carry the same
reflection as she looked into it.
Time wore on and so did their diseases which almost killed them both.
They learned at an early age they were very lucky to be alive because
death clung to the young around them. Tragically the sister's hearts were broken again and again to expose the raw sensations and feelings of who
they were supposed to be and what their character meant to society.
Then one day the older sister's best friend's sister was hit tragically in a car accident. Reports of severe brain damage and loss of memories
which faded into the dark recesses of a clouded mind.
The older sister tried to piece together the friend's broken thoughts
and feelings of a life they once shared but secretly locked away by the
friend's younger sister.
The older sister, after watching many things, Moster, Adaptation and
reading the tragic e-mail of a person with a broken mind made her reflection her love for her own younger sister and the memories which almost
weren't.
She thought about the time she was too sick to get the younger a piece of pizza when she was first in the hospital because her mind broke from
the thoughts of losing the younger and how the younger reacted as a
rabid dog wanting to die peacefully away from those who cherished her the most. Her heart broke the hardest that day the younger was diagnosed
and a possible death sentence lingered above her perfectly shaped
beautiful bald head. The older was still ill from her own surgery but it would be until many years later that she could articulate what was happening to her that day properly. The thought of losing someone so close yet so distant broke her heart in ways the younger felt sitting next to the
older and crying at the sight of her swollen face post brain surgery just four months before.
The friend wrote of the
losing memories and the older thought about all the precious experiences
of Greatness she could remember about her own sister that would make the
likes of the Hilton sisters pale. She
thought of moments in time stolen from them from other people trying to
control their thoughts and mold their tender minds. Hushed voices in the
lake house and threats to be quiet which turned them into deer in the
headlights. Conversations punctuated with "You are so beautiful." and "I
love you, Cathy." Were lost because that f*$#* Catholic (wh) bore made
the older feel like a dirty little piece of trash that was undeserving of everyone's
love, especially that of her perfect little sister.
She used to cry at night when the younger would say these things to her because she couldn't say it back because she had been so abused that
she didn't understand that it didn't matter. It was always an
understatement that her love was the most important thing that she could give to the world and she did and spread herself so thin that when it was time for another surgery she still couldn't convey the years that were stolen from her because clogged thinking and memories of what other people did and said which forever traumatized her.
The older remembered the first time the younger thought her own
thoughts at two when she talked about flying the friendly skies and the older didn't understand that the younger could think for herself because they always thought the same thoughts before. The eldest sister held her
close to her when she said it as they moved in the car up Hillcrest Ave.
on the way home. My first epiphany shot like a a grand firework as my
neurons began to explode from the wonder and how I could never stand the
thought of not knowing something the younger did.
Crystal clear memories of hips wide with fresh blood and then gone in
less than a year. Puppies sucking on chins. The younger being more
popular than the older and some stupid Cee. U. Next. Tuesday's whose father had blown out his brains telling a coke addicts daughter that the
younger was OK to be friends with but the older was not socially accepted.
Leaps and bounds of running up that empty house with baby poop green
carpet and hiding from the Porsche as it stuttered up the drive way. The
first time I fainted when a geeky boy blew me a kiss out the bus window
and my skirt flew up to expose my panties made me even more unpopular
while Baby shined like a star with pouty lips, a boy's haircut and
crinoline eyes.
She was always there for me, my sister. I could never fathom a life
without her until life had become too much to bear from the burden of a
misunderstood disability until I saw Susan's sister's struggling body
gasping to come back to life last Thanksgiving. Fighting for every
movement and spark her brain could muster. Silent screams only heard by those whose minds had already been medically altered.
They never really talked about the loss of the mother. The older
understood things differently because she was always outside of every
situation, never quite feeling inside her own body until one day a breaking lover breathed back life into her soul and reminded her of the sacred
moments she shared with her sister as a child, revealing the true nature
of her passionate, loving soul understanding for the first time how her
sister's love shaped her. A wave of sacred childhood memories flooded
the older's heart. The database no longer corrupted and crystal thought
waves reminded her of so many life altering experiences only shared
with the baby.
She knew that the baby of the family was always most precious of all.
That entertainment was a necessary part of sisterhood and those
cherished moments of playing doctor and making Barbie's bend over backwards in awkward, unnatural positions with a naked plastic Ken was a ritual into womanhood only they could giggle about girlishly.
My best friend Susan has lost her baby sister and she's trying to come home. Thoughts clouded from pain have caused a temporary amnesia so
that she can't think through the fog of confusion to remember those clear moments of sisterhood.
And I think of my baby sister, so far away from me now and moments of
closeness thwarted by distance and an inability to share one another's
stolen secrets from an irreconcilable past. No e-mail is ever enough. No
voice trailing through the wind can make up for all the lost moments in
time that have made our relationship what it is today. The true lessons
of tenderness are mirrored back to one another in a harsh way never to
properly convey the true love that exists with me and my sisters.
My baby was the first to know of my secret marriage. It was such a
thrill to sit in San Francisco across from my new husband and to tell her what I had done and to keep it all a secret from the family until
Thanksgiving.
These are the ties of sisterhood no one can ever deny or come between. This is the love that is shared that no one else on the planet can ever
truly convey. Although this e-mail is long and twisted, please share it
with everyone you consider a sister because God (the energy we all have
within us that gives us all our own spark of personality) does not give
you the lease with an option to buy your own life. Fate always has a
funny way of dealing it's cruel hand and the character that was shaped by the love of a sister is what makes life so much more bearable.
It's not who loves you... it's who your love.
> Life is what you make of it, TODAY because tomorrow doesn't matter
right now.
Don't ever give up the hope that you can mend your sisterhood with love
and understanding and please celebrate that love you have/had for all
of your missing siblings.
Always remember that no one can ever mess with your baby sister as long
as you live.
I love you all. I hope that you love me like a sister because that's
what life is all about and I carry many explicit memories of sharing my
sister love with all of you.
Have a beautiful day and as Anne used to say when she was ill, Seize
the DAY :) :) :)!!!
I thought it was pretty. Much prettier than the kind of letter that gets circled around the planet.
My body aches like hell, which woke me up the first time. I put on a patch and now I am even more sleepy.
I'm so sad that I interview like hell no matter where I go, if I even bother to show up. I wish I could work at night.
Monday March 15, 2004
Happy Ides of March!
I live 1100 feet up :)
I have gotten 338 photos prepped to debut my website.
Now I need a live video cam, a video to do and sell and then the website is up and running and then hopefull I can start making some bucks off of that. Wouldn't that be nice?
I have people interested in lessons this week so hopefully that will help me out. I want to go on state disability for a little while. I need some time to just figure out what in the hell is going on.
I went on a date with an athlete tonight and that was nice. He was kind of hung up on his ex girlfriend but that's fine. We necked for a while and he told me he was a scuba diver and he liked to horseback ride. That makes me pretty happy.
My fingers hurt from typing so much.
I talked to a guy that has most of the business side set up. He even has a 900 number for phone sex. I'm intersted in finding out more but I think I have the best parts already figured out.
I find it very interesting
how many men want to "manage" me. Stewart still wants to take care of my
stuff but he wants like 50%. He says he knows how to advertise for me and
how to get it all off since he already has hiw own server and stuff and I
was just like... um... no. I am not giving any man 50% of my business. I
think I am much better off going with Dallas.
I don't think I am too worried about making money. I am worried that Tyler isn't giving me space right now.
I was supposed to go
to a pool party with Olga & Co on Sunday but I don't look that great in a
bathing suit so I felt extremely self conscious. I went to Pomona to the
Irish Fest with Dallas and slept on the way back because Suki came over the
night before.
I got so pissed off at him I told him never to come over here again in the middle of the night expecting sex. I got so pissed at him. I told him I didn't want to have sex with him anymore. He put a condom on backwards so I am a little freaked out about getting pregnant because you never know how things can cling on the wrong side.
I am so tired from getting all those images ready.
I haven't talked to Buzzy in a week and her e-mail to me is just sitting in my box. I got tired of her beating up on me and told her I was fragile and can't deal with her being angry with me and then beating a dead horse.
I'm tired from watching MTV and VH1 all day. I turned off the TV the other day and now it's back on as background filler. I am going to cash in my IRA so we have more money for the business. I talked to that fuck Sebastian and he said that he didn't have my deposit ready even though I told that little fucker 2 months ago I was ready to move out.
"I've got 21 days to get you that money. I'm broke now. My car broke down (lie... he's driving a new Saab) yada yada yada." Whatever.
I'm sick of all this shit.
Wednesday March 17, 2004
There are cobwebs in the deep recesses in my cunt that I didn't even know I had. He moves my crystal wand deep inside of me. My ass in his pussy cat as we drive down Muholland towards China Town to eat at the best place in LA. Something Chow. I don't pay attention to the streets because as we come out there are four cop cars around and I know I don't want to be there without him.
I feel like I found my Professional. A salt and pepper haircut like a ancient Greek man with the same chisled features softened by time and worry from a life that was once exciting and now the kicks come from riding his bike on the weekends. Racing... racing... racing... looking for something but never putting his finger in it.
Maybe he's the ultimate player. Maybe he is the perfect daddy he says he is to his three sons. I don't care. He lights my fire in ways no one has in a while.
"If you get these panties
wet I'm going to have to spank you."
"You didn't give me a spanking." I
tell him after he plays with my pussy. He has me spread my legs in front
of the light so he can see everything there leaving nothing to the imagination
but watching the undulating movements as he brings my pussy to life and clears
out the cob webs that have been clinging in the deepest recesses of my cunt.
I scream for him like I would for Steven. He is rough but not cruel like Balo could be. As I get hotter I miss that fucker more.
"Yeah... I miss being
married and having that dick on demand."
"Well I had just the
opposite problem."
"Oh yeah. I've heard that from a lot of people." questionable ticker, bad back... "Everyone
has their scrapes from life."
"What's the crasiest
thing you have ever done?"
"I got these high jackers on tape in Beruit." Wet
wet wet. I would have been a teenager when he was peering back at me from
the boob toobe. A warped sense of who he could have been... in the Gulf War?
"It's not News... it's mostly press releases..." I
want ot puke. He's telling the truth. This life is so cruel and the basics
of human life run deep in his veins. Softer things accentuate his lifestyle
now. Shitting in holes, walking through sludge and seeing shit that I could
never imagine rub through his hands and into my cunt warming those places
hungry for attention.
"You are a nasty dirty
girl..."
"Will you squirt for me?" He
asks as we are staring down into the Valley from Muholland necking.
He flips on the air "Does the seat warm up?" I
look at the buttons trying to figure it out adjusting the seat so it's more
comfortable.
Earlier today some stupid prick tried to get me to go out with he and his friend and then told me that I wasn't thin enough for him and I ripped him a new asshole telling him that if he was that shallow he was like my father and I didn't want anything to do with him. His car was a Toyota. He had acne scars but was a tri athelete. He kept coming back for more after I told him to leave me alone.
I decide that putting that little fucker in his place and taking out the ad and seeing Dean sitting on his Ducati was one of the happiest things I have done for myself. I was sick of playing with little boys. I crave to listen to his stories and give him pleasure as he gives me ceaseless torrents of pleasure.
My chest opens up stonger and my heart beats harder. He needs someone to take care of him. He's got stints, the back and some junk in his trunk. He tells me I have a great ass. He tells me I am sexy. He's yummy. I might have some fun with this one for a while.
Thursday March 18, 2004
I'm sick of being nice to men that can't keep a hard on, men that have pock marks (there's a reason dermatologists exist), men with little cocks, men that think they have a right to say whatever the hell they want. I'm so over it. I want a divorce. I hate Florent even more. I fired his fucking web designer and told him he could pay me but he is such a jack ass.
I'm not happy. I have an interview tomorrow in Pasadena for a lead gen. I need to get my disability forms together.
I need to lose more fucking weight. Either I am pregos from that fucking moron turning the condom around or I am getting ready to drop a big bloody load.
I went shopping today for shoes at this shit hole on La Cigena and found some *GASP* man made material shoes for $10.99 and a pair of leather Keds for $16.99. I was looking at all the junk and found a mispriced jogging Angel suit for $7.99 and it was supposed to be $30 so I scorde on that and then the security guard gave me a $5.00 off cupon and since I spent just enough money they gave me a blanket. I was pretty fucking happy for $33.
I've got to get in this fucking frame of mind again. I have a ton of papers that we need to give to get this way cool loft. Once we are there then things should work out more. I won't be living in a fucking dump anymore. I can hang up my paintings. I'm so excited.
I fried my scalp this morning when I first woke up. I hadn't washed my hair for a couple of days so I could bleach it. I think I am ready to dump Steven again.
I feel like I just need to get my ass into shape so I can be more of the look that is so popular. I've lost a lot of weight recently but I I called Hustler today to see if I could pose.
Wednesday March 25, 2004
Joe from Paracel called me the other morning. He quit a long time ago and he told me he knew Jason was fucking Michelle. I told him the entire saga and he was astounded.
Saturday March 27, 2004
I made $1800 this month from giving lessons so far. I think I am really on to something.
I hooked up with Zorba the other day at the Comedy Store and Andrew Dice Clay was there. Man is he old and ugly. He hasn't changed much of his routine either. Always talking about how women want to cuddle and shit like that.
I still wanted to meet with him though because I thought it would be cool. It didn't happen because he hates meeting fans.
I found this neat little feature on my phone where they forward my phone calls and now I have been charged three times this month for "roaming" charges. I'm a little pissed. And I have to be on hold for an hour to get any assistance.
I've got to get out of this place. I can't stand to watch fucking Newlyweds. I hate Jessica Simpson. If there was ever the dumbest of dumb cunts that's her. I think it's disgusting that she has her own show when she can't do shit.
I got a pair of black overalls today for $5. They sell Seven Jeans there too for $60. I managed to squeeze my ass into a size 30 strech jeans. I still feel fat though.
I've been on hold for thirty minutes. I fucking hate AT&T wireless.
Dallas and I signed the papers for a new apartment in Playa Del Rey with all the animenities. It looks like I can keep this studio too with all the money I have been making. That way I can keep this place as an office and have the real place to go home to on the weekend or weekdays.
Monday March 29, 2004
I knew I should keep close to the whole men are like the country they come from deal.
Last night it was King, and boy was he ever a King. I haven't had sex like that since I got married. We got stoned and then I jumped in the shower and had him come with me. He is 6'3" and his body looks like Bruce Lee's.
"What are you smiling at?"
"You are sexy."
"You going to kill me." he said after we woke up the third time. I'm under the impression that he hasn't been with a girl for a while.
"One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble." I sing to him when he tells me that's where he's from.
I'm so not ready to start work tomorrow.
Shiver. He didn't freak out about the blood. I think we went through his entire condom collection. I love the way he molded to my body. We grabbed on to one another in between and it was so sensual and nice.
"Have you been with an Asian man?"
"Yes."
"Bad Girl. You bad girl" He tells me again and again.
"You bad boy!" I reply.
I can't help it that I love sex so much. It's been quite sometime since I had sex too. At least two weeks. I pissed Steven off again because he won't do shit for me and I'm at the point where if I have to be his call girl I am not going to pretend that he gets it for free. I'd rather be with someone that is emotionally available to me than put up with that shit anymore.
I don't know how other women can stand that shit.
I really want it to work out but I don't know if it will. What if he finds out what a really bad girl I am charing guys money to give them lessons in female ejaculation or starting a porn site. I am sure that won't make him happy but I don't think that he really needs to know that right now. Right now it's all fun and happy and nice and yummy and I love this stage of it.
Too bad I had another man's hand up my cunt tonight trying to give me the pleasure of fisting. He was 35 and had never seen a woman squirt like I have. He didn't make it in but I fucking came like a monster. Soaked his bed and had many orgasms.
It still wasn't as nice as being with King. I don't know why I love these men that are just so grateful for such a great lay when there are so many others that would be grateful in other ways.
I don't know why I got so turned on. Maybe it was when he came into the shower and his fucking Bruce Lee body just called to me to kiss and lick and suck and fuck him. He made me purr and he told me not to yell so much... lol. I love it when the can barely speak English.
Saturday March 21, 2004
Dallas
