I have
spent the last couple of weeks regaining my much lost energy.
Wanted to do a great April Fool's Joke but lost the spirit because
I couldn't think of anything that funny.
We went
out to see Catty Wombus Play the other night. I work with the
Webber's
now so I thought it would be fun to watch them play because
they are alwasy screetching about Catty Wombus. Naturally we
didn't get there until it was too late but John's wife is friends
with some actress so we got into the Sunset Room for
free. Her boyfriend Kirk payed for everything which totally
fucking rocked.
It was
my first Hollywood night. It was a lot of fun albiet shallow
and insinscere. Fun never the less after getting pissed drunk
and stoned off my ass. Monique, John's wife, is a P*A*R*T*Y
girl. Long, luscious blonde hair. We are cute in that same way
only she's shorter and a lot more slim than I am.
I totally
fucking love living on the boat. We go for canow rides in the
Pacific Ocean and see water fowl the likes which I have never
seen. The other day I got up close and personal with a Blue
Heron. Those fuckers are BIG. They stand almost as tall as I
am and screetch too. I don't think any bird can be worse than
a peacock though.
We are
both reading Notes from the Underground and Yacht magazines.
Dreaming, dreaming, dreaming of a boat. I think I just want
a boat so I don't have to pay so fucking much in housing. Plus
maybe I can trick my brain into thinking that the equilibrium
problems are from the rocking of the boat so I will have a more
steady gait. Dunno. So far it works.
We drank
the most exquisite wine the other day that Florent brought back
from France. It's a Monbazillac. Sweet... yummy. Definitely
my favorite. I'm amazed at how much better we are getting along
now that it's just the two of us. I never realized how much
other people's influence was on my life. The sun is starting
to come out and Florent wants to go on a canoe ride.
I got sunburnt
the other day just sitting on the back of the boat. I thought
about my poor mother and how her back was sunburned all the
time the year before she died. I think it was nice in retrospect
as now that I have the sunburn I am not freezing cold so much
anymore. It's usually my neck that hurts the most but now that
I am hot all the time it doesn't ache so bad.
Sunday
April 14, 2002
I can't
stand it.
I had an
appointment with a neurologist and was prescribed the wonder
drug Neurontin. I did some research on the Internet and it said
that Neurontin was used for people that had shingles and that
sometimes people get this disease
looking back at me. I had shingles back when I was 15 and Dr.
Baker, fucking bastard, didn't treat my shingles. He sent me
home and told me to put some cream on my rash.
Meanwhile
my fucking spinal cord has been eaten away by this fucking virus
causing me much pain and discomfort. My God... Neurontin. It
makes me sick to my stomach sick but it eases my nerves. At
least now I don't feel like I am being electrocuted any longer.
PHN
is a syndrome of often intractable pain following herpes zoster,
a condition commonly known as shingles. It is estimated that
10 to 20 percent of Canadians will be affected by herpes zoster
in their lifetime. In the majority of patients, the condition
is characterised by intense pain that has been described by
sufferers as burning, deep aching, tearing and electric shock-like.
While the pain tends to fade over a period of time, as many
as 15 percent suffer from chronic neuropathic pain that persists
beyond the resolution of the herpes zoster rash. Pain that
persists for three months after resolution of this rash is
commonly defined as PHN. PHN may persist for years in some
patients.
Taken from
lougehrigsdisease.net
So... yeah.
It's really quite amazing the things you can learn on the Internet.
I'm pretty sure the cyst is the reason my immune system is messed
up. Which in turn caused me to be more susptial to diseases
like shingles when I was 15 and mono when I was 19.
Anyway...
I feel like a totally new woman. I even cooked for the first
time yesterday and it was good!
So now
I am alone again in the laundry room and I am very, very upset.
I am thinking about the time I had shingles and Dr. Baker coming
out of the emergency room and saying that I would be a really
pretty girl if I would only lose some weight. I looked at him
and said "FUCK YOU" I swear I don't know why a man
would do something like that.
So if I
had this form of herpes (which everyone who has ever had chicken
pox has) I'm beginning to think that maybe this winter I had
an episode where the herpes attacked my system. Attacked my
brain. I'm a little angry right now because this doctor was
the same jack off that cut my mother open and then sewed her
back up because her cancer was too much for him to cut out.
And I am also upset because this man told my mother there was
nothing wrong with her for years.
Today is
my third day not being electrocuted by my nerves every day.
My body doesn't know what to think. I feel like I can actually
rest for the first time in my life and my body actually gets
to relax. I can sit here and not be completely uncomfortable.
However the deep ache in my head is not going anywhere.
It's nice
to know that now I really am on the right track. That maybe
someone is listening to me and I am actually going to get the
treatment I need. I am dealing with this one day at a time.
I can do it. I don't think I will ever be able to have children
because I will be on such strong narcotics the rest of my life
because there is no way in hell I can return to that kind of
life.
I feel
like Rip Van Winkle. My life has been happening around me and
I have just been stuck inside this fog where I couldn't completely
communicate. That I was going through the motions of living
and I think I have made some really bad decisions lately.
So deep
in my heart of hearts I am hoping I can sue someone for ruining
my life and not puting me on say antiviral medications or making
sure that herpes isn't in my spine or god forbid when they did
brain surgery that it's...
My heart
is breaking. Herpes eating my spinal tissues and nerves. Chicken
pox. That laughable childhood ailment that everyone seems to
get. Chicken pox is eating my spine. I have to call the doctor
tomorrow, first thing. Tell him that I think this medication
is the bomb and that I was doing research on this medication
and found out that people that once had shingles are given this
medicine and that I had shingles once and I think I had a flare
up of PHN.
Florent
and I had a rough day of it. I can't stand it that I feel like
I am the only one cleaning up all the time. I work so hard to
get things organized and he comes behind me like a child and
messes everything up again. It's getting on my nerves... ha
ha ha.
I'm sorry
I haven't written in a while. I have been enjoying the boat.
It so nice to get in the canoe and paddle out to watch the harbor
seals delight in one another's company. I watched the wings
of a blue heron flutter to life above the palm trees and it
was devine. I even went and photographed the harbor seal up
close and personal like. Some other people went by her and scared
her so she jumped inside the water. She has one bad eye and
just lays out in the dock across from the boat.
I do love
living on a boat. Tyler came by yesterday. Florent drew out
a diagram about this ugly guy with a nose and how he met this
ugly girl with a nose and then she had plastic surgery and then
all of a sudden everyone saw that she was just as beuatiful
on the inside as she was on the out. I wrote on the paper that
I didn't love anyone else the way I love him. I don't think
he understood. He feels very uneasy each time Tyler is around.
He has another way of looking at it. He thinks that Tyler is
just using me and that he was rude to come down into his home
when he wouldn't give him a job programming when he would have
taken less. I understand his point but that's the kind of shit
that if you don't let go it eats away at you and doesn't end
up helping you in the long run.
But what
do I know?
I know
that it's really hard getting along lately. That maybe I am
more entranced by his love more than anything and maybe he's
not such a great person but only in that way youthful arrogence
can be.
Tuesday
April 16, 2002
I looked
out the window today with anger, fear and resentment. I held
my breath, trying desperately not to start crying again. I cried
when Florent left. I was ICQing with Matt and Joe. And I filled
up a bowl of cereal sat on the side of the boat and watched
as the seal turned her somersaults in front of my boat like
a pet dog. I cried and cried. I watched her and cried my eyes
out. She was swimming so close and I thought to myself that
the worst part of dying is knowing that you aren't going to
get to see the many lots of life's pleasures and that I have
so much to live for and so much to see and so much to do that
the thought of just being eaten up by this disease eating my
life kills me.
My body
belongs to me again.
You can't
imagine how it feels. I know right now I am a rancid whore.
All of a sudden I can bitch about the things that I didn't care
about because I was too sick or didn't care enough about what
was going on around me to give my opinion. All of a sudden I
can do that again.
I need
to learn French.
Her flipper
would go up in the air in front of my eyes. I didn't know if
I was crying because of witnessing one of God's creatures in
nature being so perfect and what I needed to see at this moment
or if I was just feeling sorry for myself. I just watched her
though... and wished I had a fish.
I need
a new job.
The Interview
today went well. My nerves are so calm now. I got really angry
with Florent today. He went to the bank and went off and did
shit and fucked around. He told me that he organized storage
today and I screamed at him for being so fucking late. It was
so nice outside. I didn't want to leave the marina. I wanted
to stay and get in the canoe and row around. I wanted to enjoy
the warmth of the sun. I felt like he was fucking up my life.
That if I try to be just a little bit better he will do shit
to make my life more difficult.
Buzzy always
says the right thing.
"You
scared me baby" WHAT? "You scared me in the car."
WHAT? I hate the cell phone sometimes. "Yeah you scared
me today." YOU PISSED ME OFF. I'M LATE. YOU SAID YOU WOULD
BE AN HOUR. THERE IS AN APPLE CORE ON MY DASH AND IT STINKS.
YOU NEED TO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. I CAN'T STAND IT. YOU WERE
AT STORAGE ALL FUCKING MORNING AND THE GOD DAMN ROUTER WAS IN
THE FUCKING CAR. YOU WASTE SO MUCH TIME BECAUSE YOU DON'T PAY
ATTENTION. I CAN'T KEEP SCREAMING AT YOU WHILE I AM DRIVING
DOWN THE FREEWAY LIKE A MANAIC. BYE. which was about the extent
of our conversation.
Then Buzzy
calls "calm down. Don't be mean to him, it's not his fault."
my stomach flips and I know she is right. It's nothing. This
is not the kind of shit to ever be angry about. If he was cheating
on me. If he was not loving. If he didn't care. Even though
I am always irritated by him just being himself...
When is
it over? I ask Laurence.
"When
there is gunfire." He always makes me laugh.
I parked
on Rome in the Robinson/May and got off in Moscow. I thought
that was a sign. I miss my Romeka. I told Buzzy I woke up and
stated to wonder where my life went. That I was so robbed because
I was in so much pain all the time and then I started crying
again. She just put her arm around me and loved me.
9 out of
10 of my clients that go in an interview with a Southern accent
get the job. David Sharp
They clung
to every word that fell out of my lips. I charmed them with
my accent and showed them my best work. They wanted more but
unfortunately a virus ate my work and the company I worked for
went under. There are some advantages to the whole dot bomb
fiasco.
So... I
am going to go.
Wednesday
April 17, 2002
I
chatted with Daddy today. He's never a disappointment. He told
me about how I needed psychartiac help and that my little web
site and the things I said scarred him for life. I told him
I was dying. He doesn't care. I have to kiss his ass in order
to get any kind of love or comapassion from him. FUCK HIM. Let
him rot in hell. He's such a fucking stupid prick I can't stand
it. He did the same thing about mom dying. He didn't believe
it.
I
don't know why I expected any compassion or understanding because
when I was 15 I was under his care and he didn't see to it that
my shingles was cured. He didn't even act like he cared. Mom
is the one that took me to the hospital.
Well
folks... I guess what we have here is a failure to understand
and communicate. This is a perfect example of how to be a caring,
kind, rational and compassionate human being when you child
is dying. "You have said things that have scarred me for
life on the Internet. Your brother and your step mother."
Like I fucking care about those assholes. I am not going to
reach out to all of them. I am fucking talking to YOU and once
again you REJECT ME BECAUSE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT I AM ILL.
I'm not supposed to be the rational one here...
Fuck
it. I will become a porn star. I don't give a shit. I am fucking
dying anyway and if I can bring somebody joy and sexual excitement
and enteratinment then I am going to have at it
Thursday
April 18, 2002
When
I was 15 years old I was laying in an emergency room with
everything hanging out. An OB/GYN had examined me and couldn't
find anything until another doctor peeked into the room and
saw my back which was covered in shingles, the advanced form
of Chicken Pox.
He went
me home without putting me on anti-viral meds. I think that
I got shingles as a result of the arachnoid cyst in my brain.
When the neurosurgeon did brain surgery I think he injected
the shingles into my arachnoid membrane which was lying dormant
but still slowly eating my nerves.
I ALWAYS
hurt. I went to many doctors in Louisville and none of them
could ever prescribe the proper pain meds for me. I tried
to kill myself because I was in so much pain. No one listened
to me. The disease progressed and I tried to live as full
a life without people thinking I was lazy or stupid or anything.
My mom was dying from cancer.. it's not like I could really
do much to take care of myself.
Then
I was paralyzed from the neck down for 4 hours this past winter.
I told the doctors in the emergency room that my nervous system
was dying. They basically told me I was nuts. My husband got
to witness how much pain I was in and how I would just lay
there gasping for breath trying to understand what was wrong
with me. I was in a fog... they call these "episodes"
where everything I was feeling, sensing, tasting, touching
was not a part of me. I took cough syrup with amphetamines
in order to gain some kind of relief and it actually worked
because I started to come out of the fog and do massive amounts
of research on what was wrong with me.
The best
disease I could find that matched my symptoms was Arachnoiditis
because I believe there is scarring in my arachnoid membrane
from where the neurosurgeon did the brain surgery and any
scarring or adhesions in this membrane cause Arachnoiditis.
I have come to believe that when my arachnoid membrane was
inflamed and that's what caused the paralyzation.
It wasn't
until this fucking genius RESIDENT at UCLA harbor medical
center... the "free" hospital for poor people LISTENED
to me and prescribed Neurontin that I finally felt some relief
from the pain of my nerves electrocuting me all the time.
Another level of the fog was removed.
My spinal
cord is damaged from this so badly that it's hard to hold
my body up for periods of time and when I get cold I am thrust
into the fog and in tremendous amounts of pain.
I am angry because I have been fighting this disease for 15
years... it has a name now. I have post-herpetic neuralgia
which will eventually turn into arachnoiditis. There is no
cure for this disease. I believe I already have arachnoiditis
because the pain is so intense that I can't function as a
normal human being any longer. They say this disease doesn't
usually happen to people under 50. I don't know how they have
the stamina to fight it.
I need
some help.. I don't know what you can do but it's very sad
to me. I don't know how many other people are living with
this disease that don't know about it. If you guys could help
me by figuring out what I need to be eating that will help
me a) drop the weight and b) help my nerves. And if you have
any legal advice that would rock too.
When
the ob/gyn finished examining me he said "You'd be a
really pretty girl if you'd only lose some weight"
I looked
at him and said "FUCK YOU".
So...
let me remind you that if you had herpes munching away at
your brain for 15 years you would be a little nuts too. You
can do all kinds of research on this disease but here is a
good start.
http://www.aftershingles.com/treatment.html
Thank you all for your support. If there is anything you can
do I would appreciate it more than you can imagine. I fully
intend on making some noise. Please help me.
Catherine
Sunday
April 21, 2002
So...
I missed 4/20 ha ha ha... actually...
I
was laying in the sun. I was feeling the rays penetrate my skin
and naturally high and rocking to the boat gently underneath
me... and kisses on my nipples. I was enjoying the sun. Knowing
I would be burned but not with little bliters cascading along
my breasts.
I'm
feeling ever bit of the pain. Now that the lesser nerves are
calm the big ones are aching. I thought tonight that maybe I
am the best one to study me since I am the one paying so much
attention. This disease does lead to dementia. I wonder if we
don't all have something wrong with us from this disease or
even chicken pox. Have you ever read what chicken pox does to
adults when they get it?
I
spoke to Mikey on 4/20 too. She told me I should write the Rosie
show.
We
made love... it was so nice. I sat up so I wouldn't have any
pressure on my spine and he was right at the V-berth and moved
his hips along with mine. It felt so good. Sex is pretty much
the only pleasure I have. He came too fast.
What
is it with guys? Do I suck them dry? I'm beginning to wonder
if I don't just tap them dry after a while. Florent used to
be so sexual but now... he says he's working. I guess so but...
Today
he said to me "You thrive on bitching. Your diary wouldn't
exist if you didn't have me to bitch about."
"Don't
flatter yourself." I responded. It is all about him he
thinks.
It's
all about me and how I describe what it is to be a woman. How
things have changed and things remain the same. How life is
really lived and reality isn't something they could sell you
on TV. How to beat illnesses or where to build your strengths...
all that is missing from TV. It seems that the ideas fostered
are still of conformity and abiding by the Great American System
which is itself built on lies, empty promises and the facade
of money.
Maybe
it's different for people that have money but those of us that
don't life is always interesting. I am sure I should be working
harder to do more but now I can't. I can barely hold my body
up. I can feel how damaged my spine is now and it's really painful.
But...
but but but... I love him. When he calls me his flower or tells
me he's sad... he's so sweet. There are times that I feel very
loved... there are times I don't too but I don't really think
that one person can satisfy the other persons needs. I am sure
there are times that I don't do everything for him too, but
I don't feel that way. He trys for the most part to make me
feel perfect... but when he doesn't... he told me today that
I thrive on that. That was what I needed because no one else
would ever stand up to me. Perhaps he is right.
Monday
April 22, 2002
Back
to the same 'ol same 'ol. The chick we are renting the boat
from looked up the stuff I should be taking in order to make
my life a little easier. I finally got my paycehck today and
bought some Flax Seed Oil, Aloe, B complex and L-cyine. These
are all the things you need in order to build up nerves and
she said she even read somewhere that Aloe makes it inhospitiable
for the herpes virus to live in your system.
I
slept most of the weekend away. I wish I had the energy to be
angry or something. But I don't feel that angry. I am sad that
I am dying. All the life I didn't get to live and some of the
things that I didn't get to do because I always knew my limitiations.
I guess I can't complain too much. At least I made my own world.
My
spine is in constant pain. It hurts to sit up and do things.
It hurts to carry anything. I quit wearing a bra a long time
ago. I don't know if I have been having weird dreams or what
but I thought about it last night and it's funny how when you
are stacked people always think you are lying about wheather
they are real or not.
I
don't suppose exercising too hard is a great thing. I must have
over did it this weekend to make me sleep so much. I couldn't
believe how much I slept and then turned around and slept some
more. I guess it's the best thing for me right now though. I
need to repair my body.
I
think Florent should find a job up in San Francisco and we should
move up there. All the doctors, the INS, my friends live up
there. LA has been fun but I'm tired and I don't think I need
to worry about driving anymore either. I don't want to worry
about much of anything any more except either getting better
or finding a cure.
I
thought about it a lot and I think that maybe if I did chemo
and killed the herpes virus so it didn't exist anymore and then
they added stem cells that maybe my body could rebuild itself
and the nerves. I dunno.
I
think stem cells hold the key to everything. Or Placenta.
I
think it's about that time for me to leave now. I am not happy
about working here anymore either. I have never had a key to
unlock the door and being stuck outside in the morning really
pisses me off. Too bad it's like one of the best jobs I ever
had.
Friday
April 26, 2002
We have
been enjoying each other's bodies once again. Like we did when
we were first married.
I'm sleeping
better now. I don't go to bed with my nerves killing me (notice
the blatant sarcasm... I can't feel that they are killing me
any longer so does that mean they are hurting any less?). I
have even slept until the medication has worn off.
Today I
feel like dog shit. I worked and there were a couple of bitchy
people and that drags me down and then Buzzy said some shit
that kind of hurt my feelings so... that dragged me down too.
I think I am going to be Miss Pollyanna for a while. I don't
want to know. Hide my fucking head in the sand because my reality
is so much more frightening than anyone else's imaginary bullshit
that they want to make up in their head and fuck it... life's
too God Damn short. I don't want to lay a guilt trip on anyone
so I don't want the same done to me. Just keep on living our
lives and you know... that's it.
The energies...
I feel them pulling inside of me. I am writing Zack again because
well... if anyone has loved me unconditionally he has. More
so than anyone EXCEPT for Granny, Poppa and my husband. I don't
care anymore. I am resolving myself of any issues I ever had
with anyone because I want to move on with a clearer conscious.
Snap...
my husband loves me. I am understanding this more and more.
I made an excellent choise. We spent a simply enchanting day
together yesterday which naturally always involves him slamming
or caressing his cock deep inside my cunt. Yummy yummy yummy
fun fun fun.
Then the
light... the ocean... the warmth... my God... this is one of
the most seductive times of my life. I am feeling more physically
fit. I woke up this morning feeling A-fucking wonderful but
was sad because Florent wasn't by my side. I had to take the
bus to work and I was still feeling wonderful but some thing
happened... I had to take a pill half way through the day (now
I am utterly sick to my stomach... how do people gain weight
on this shit?) because I started hurting.
Tick tock
tick tock... I wonder how long... I need to be in a wheelchair.
Especially in public events. I can walk but I spend most of
the night laying flat on my back, and even though it is my favorite
position it kind of hinders me from leading the productive life
of a 4th generation 19 year old woman of my stature.
We cuddled
a lot yesterday. Almost all day. I missed him last night and
I think that was another reason I had such a bad day today.
So... I'm
going to try to think of things that I want to do from now on
that bring me torrents of pleasure and if people don't make
me happy fuck 'em.
I thought
about going back and fixing my diary for the sake of my family
but have since then decided againt that. Just because I showed
an attitude at one time of my life doesn't mean that I feel
that way all the time. I am learning to just let things go.
They don't belong to me. I started that a long time ago. If
people want to be upset or angry that's their right and that's
their business (for instance Anne has quit speaking to me because
she started in on the money she gave me to buy a ticket home
and she needed $50 THAT WEEK and I had to "ask someone"
for it and I couldn't send her that much money because I am
B-R-O-K-E * B-R-O-K-E * B-R-O-K-E and B-R-O-K-E -o is my name-o
and when she started her bullshit about how bad I should feel
for her I just wrote FUCK YOU and then she fucking got the message
for one time in her god damn life that I didn't like how she
was treating me. If she didn't have the money she shouldn't
have sent it and for another thing I got her the fucking job
by setting up a web page that GOT her the fucking job and she
TOLD me if she got the job that she would give me $100)
I can't
fucking figure it out. How can I help other people find decent
jobs and I can't even find one... Fuck it... not like I really
care anymore because at least I am doing some shit that I like
doing instead of some creepy piece of shit job working with
assholes I can't stand.
I would
like to see my diary published before I die. Maybe it's all
wrong and everything is a mistake but hopefully I can be someone
other people look up to. I don't care if people love me or hate
me anymore either because I know I am helping SO many people
out there already. Do you know how happy it makes me that I
help women have happier pussies than they ever knew they had?
When I get guestbook signatures that's one of the things that
makes me the happiest.
Shit...
I'm in
the mood to start writing... Florent is asleep and a storm's
a brewing...
Friday
April 26, 2002
We
are broke. I hate being so fucking broke all the time. It's
really hard to come out of being broke too. The attempts we
have taken to get out of it do not work either. Tonight I am
in a lot of pain but today was one of the happiest days of my
life. Florent got back on a bike today and we went for a spin
on Pacific Coast Highway. I clung to him like a cuddlebug.
I'm
in a lot of pain right now. I hurt so much. We bought Tie-die
T-shirts. Buzzy was mad yesterday because she gave me her computer
and has now changed her mind. I told Florent to leave them in
her storage. He didn't listen to me.
I
took her for a canoe ride today. Actually it was more like canoe
float. We went along with the current until we could go no more.
We went by Miss Isabella, the sea lion. She was a little upset
the first time we floated by and jumped into the water. We floated
down the basin for a bit and then started coming back.
It
was absolutely beautiful. I came here and looked out to the
Sea and thought about drawing again. I need colors. Maybe I
should should just start doing some watercolors.
I
don't care about anything anymore except the things that bring
me tremendous amounts of pleasure. It's sad that I can't feel
things unless it's deep. I think I might be too deep. I told
Buzzy today that I am doing the best I can to get by and that
I can't always do fun things or even get together because I
am feeling how weak I really am.
We
went and ate a Islands. We sat at the bar and had a racous time.
I didn't know we were broke. I spent the rest of my money on
that meal. I told her she could take me out when she got paid.
I came home and drew and now I am sitting here in blinding pain.
I got a very strange headache when I was in the restaurant.
I
just want to say that if you were ever a person I cared for
deeply and you pissed me off or made me laugh or just enjoyed
your life with me please remember those times and know that
I am not angry with you or anything. I let a lot of shit go
because it's certainly not worth holding all the hurt inside
when you can fill your soul with so much beauty. I just wish
my mother could have enjoyed it.
Sunday
April 28, 2002
Today
is Andy's birthday.
So.
I feel like shit. I went to the supermarket yesterday... wait...
that's a lie. I don't know where I was standing I just remember
being in a strange place and all of a sudden I felt like I was
going to fall to the ground. This isn't good. I have been fighting
the wheelchair thing but I don't think I can do it much longer.
The pain in my chest is too great.
I
talked with Lesli today. It was not a good conversation and
it ended up with me crying and hanging the phone up on her.
I asked her why she didn't call me and she gave me this bullshit
about how when she does call I don't return her phone calls.
She
doesn't believe me. Or maybe she's in denial. I don't know.
Maybe her reality is so real that she can't come away from it.
I think one of the problems I have is that since I went to therapy
for so many years when I was in my early teens and twienties
I learned the skills it takes to flush toxic thoughts from my
mind and deal with life at it's base level. I have tried to
be a good person. I have fucked up a lot I know but I was never
so bad that I deserve to be mistreated and abused and I no longer
feel guilty about living my life for me.
I
couldn't figure out why we were so fucking broke until I saw
the Fry's receipt and realized my.... husband paid for shit
with our joint acocunt for work. I was livid. I was already
in a bad mood. Even him on top of me loving me so graciously
couldn't take the hurt and pain away. It's Sunday... I still
hate Sunday's from my childhood.
Which
got me to thinking that those fucking morons that are working
on diseases need to find a god damn cure for chicken pox because
I think that the the worst thing that happens to us as a race.
I think it's the base of ailments such as cancer and naturally
what I am facing. I think it fucks up our brains. IF they could
get rid of chicken pox they could get rid of a lot of disease.
I
keep reading about sten cell research and I have read about
how people reject some of the cells but... come on... I'm sorry
with all the scientic evidence out there people can't realize
that you can't put cells into an existing celluar environment
without first killing the one that exists and the only way to
do that is through chemotherapy.
I
wish there were something even if it were a little radioactive
that we could use to fight herpes because let me tell you...
dying from the inside out really sucks especially when your
as fucking gorgeous as I am and... maybe I should be using my
body to sell myself.
We
went shopping at Costco after I blew my fucking top about him
spending that money on the fucking office. What the fuck? I
really wonder about that boy. I bought a crock pot and am currently
cooking some roast beef. Just 2 mour hours... I can cook the
shit and leave the crock pot on warm and have a good breakfast.
I'm
doing as much as I can to be heatlhy. I haven't eaten chocolate
in a week. I have been drinking my juices and trying to eat
natrual foods. Yesterday I was so hungry for some real food
that Buzzy and I went to Islands. It was fun sitting at the
bar with her. I love her so much. She talked about being so
full and I told her that we should run in the bathroom and stick
our fingers down our throat so we can eat more of the food just
like the Romans did.
I
can't drink coke anymore. Too acidic. Acidy drinks are too harsh
on my system just like orange juice is. I made a lot of juice
tonight. Carrots, plums, ginger, red delicious apples, grapes
and kiwis. I made enough to take to work tomorrow. I hope to
God Florent gets paid a lot of money tomorrow. I think he's
finally to the point where he is sick of doing shitty jobs.
I hope he is. A recruiter called him for a position in Long
Island. That might be cool.
I
talked to Granny and Pop today. Pop got out and planted tamatos.
Le
Sigh. Florent has to work all night and doesn't o leave the
car where he works anymore. I hate sleeping alone. We took a
nap today which was nice. He slept with his condom on.
Buzzy
starts her job tomorrow.
Life...
is moving. I'm writing a book. It's a spy novel.
Tuesday
April 30, 2002
When
I am alone... I give in...
I
give into the pain because it's hurts too much to live and dying...
I
cry because of all the life I will not get to live. I know I
am dying, I DON'T NEED A FUCKING DOCTOR TO TELL ME THAT besides...
there is nothing they can do. There is nothing more painful
but now it's just easier to sit back and let myself die. I'm
tired of fighting my own body in order to live an existance
that is one tenth of the person I used to be.
My
sisters are mad at me instead of being compassionate. They don't
understand how much pain I have always lived in and that my
errant behavior is because I didn't always have control over
my thinking. My father is a cold-hearted prick that is mad at
me because of something I wrote... I was such a goody tu shoes
growing up. I didn't do drugs when I was a teen and I didn't
fuck around. I was just a victim of their marraige, a casuality.
So...
when I am alone I give into dying. My throat is choking me everyday.
I can barely remember to take my medicine. Yesterday I left
for work and was half way there when I realized I forgot to
take my medicine. I drove back only to be distracted by something
else and ended up forgetting it again. I sat there in agony
until I looked in my purse and took some of the medicine they
gave me when I got out of the hospital.
When
I sit for long perios of time I feel myself curving like a C.
Normally I just push the chair back as far as it will go. I
am having problems holding up my head. When Dr. Reid saw the
size of my gall stone she was amazed. She couldn't understand
how it could have gotten so big without me complaining sooner.
But now I know why. My nerves have been dying. That means that
the nerves are dying to my organs and to my extremeties. That's
why my legs and hands are numb, because I am losing sensation.
I
throw my head back and the tears stream down my cheek. I am
reminded of momma and how she would just sit there and pant,
never knowing that she was letting it go. That that was her
way of coping with the tremendous amount of suffering she had
to endure.
Bring
on the morphine. I can't take it anymore. I don't want to know
what it feels like to die. I can't wait to have a wheelchair
now because I am losing my strength. My arms typically hang
by my side and I can control them when I need to but if I were
to do a muscle resistance test I couldn't push up. I can only
sit up for a brief period of time before My spine tells me it
can't hold me up. When I sit up like I am right now I can feel
the pain starting around my neck and ending somewhere below
my rib cage.
I
can't take care of myself anymore. I have no skills dealing
with other people's anger. It either goes over my head or I
just let them sit it out until they are no longer angry with
me. My head never stops hurting. My vision is doing weird things.
My mind is playing tricks on me. I could deal with all of this
except for my throat. It hurts so much. It's hard to swallow.
So
when I lay there dying I try to think of good things that have
happened to me in my life. I have another birthday coming up
and I thought about how I took a bath with my older sister when
I was 10 and she explained things to me. I think playing with
Anne in the pool and at the lake. Sometimes I don't think about
anything. Sometimes I just lay there and die.
