I'm feeling really fucking sorry for myself today. I am working on these photos I took last week of this family and there is this adorable little girl and I know I can never have that so it breaks my heart. It wouldn't be fair to have a baby and then kill myself or not live because I know how much it sucks not having a mommy.
I went with Buzzy yesterday and we had a great adventure in Catalina. It was so much fun. It took an hour and a half to get there and it made me so happy. We walked around, ate, laid in the sun, got stoned, popped pills slept, got sun burnt (again), rented a golf cart for an hour and had a great time.
She couldn't
get over how tender Josh was with me. "Is he in
love? Jesus, Mary and Joseph!"
I'm feeling pretty loved by Joshy. It just makes me sad to look through these perfect photos of this family and I don't get to have that. All the families at Catalina. All the things I am getting too ill to do. I can tell when I wake up and my hands are dead that that's not normal. I can tell that feeling my spine rot in my body is not healthy.
I wanted to go out last night because Joshy was doing his thing with the promoting and Dave and Jen and them had a b-b-que.
I think there is a new rule. No taking me out into the sun. I am too stupid to put sunscreen on and I am sick of losing time from being sunburned.
I didn't know how much being with Joshy would change my life. Buzzy says we look great together and that Chris Johnson knew that I would go for him and that's why he kept having me around.
One of the girls was diagnosed with Dystonia. She has 2 ACs and she goes through phases where she is paralyzed. It's awful. I just wish I would fucking die. I am so sick of feeling like shit and going to asshole after asshole that can't help me nor can he figure out why things are happening the way they are. I hate being a bitch and feeling like I am some god damn experiment.
Friday June 11, 2004
Momma would
have been 59 today.
Tuesday
June 15, 2004
This
is me and Josh just dicking around.
As you can tell
our sex life is smoking.
I've been having
fun taking pictures again. It's nice to be inspired.
You will find
all kinds of photos here. I hope you like what life I have been photographing. |
 Hey babe... come here often?
|
Wednesday
June 16, 2004
I was supposed to have brain surgery today. WHEW!!!
Psygammic and psykepic.
Amy just helped me finish my book. After sitting here for days trying to figure out how to end my novel I now know how.
I am a little overwhelmed still.
I hate healthy people.
They think they are the only ones that walk the god damn planet. And when
one of them makes fun of you they think it's ok.
Buzzy leaves tomorrow.
I want to take her to the airport. I wanted to see her tonight but I am gonna
take her instead. I can't get up and move tonight. The damage being caused
by my arachnoid cyst that doesn't do anything is burning the hell out of
my shoulders. I've been pretending to be healthy for too long. I need to
rest.
I did wake up in a great
way riding the Joshy Stick. That makes me happy and is a great way to start
my day. I am still fucking beat but at least today I didn't crawl under my
desk to fall asleep. Maybe that's why I hurt so much now... I didn't take
my mid morning nap.
I mailed off Granny's
present, all those pine cones sticking out of my pocket are from Sequoia and
I think they would be beautiful in her garden. I hope she likes them.
I really like what's going
on with Josh. He makes it worth it to be living again although lately I am
really down.
God I am too fucking tired.
I am going to shut my eyes and rest for a bit. My eyes have been hurting
like hell.
Thursday
June 17, 2004
I slept all day today.
I woke up and took Buzzy to the airport and from where my nerves have been
burning me I just couldn't motivate myself enough to move when I came back
home and fell asleep. Now at 11 pm I am up and at em, ready for another 8
hours of sleep.
Dave as Big Foot
|
Naked and sunburnt (XXX)naughty
|
Monday
June 21, 2004
Happy
Birthday Ian!
I wrote this
for my blog today on arachnoidcyst.net
O.K. let me start with my health, ha ha ha. I've known about
my arachnoid cyst since I was 17. I turned 32 on my last birthday. At 19
I tried to commit suicide because I realized that if I was in that much
pain then and no one was listening that aging with this disease was going
to be the worst aspect of living. I had no idea how bad I was right but I
started keeping http://deardementeddiary.com 8 years ago to A) remind me
of what life is all about and B) remember the events making up my life otherwise
I would completely forget.
I have "surgical" adhesive Arachnoiditis syndrome from the two
brain surgeries I have had. It hurts to move, it hurts to walk, it hurts
to talk it hurts to breathe. I think this also comes from having a "sub-arachnoid" cyst.
My back hurts like hell. I can feel my spine rotting in it's column. The
only position that is comfortable for me to be in is lying in the pool with
someone supporting my neck and my legs. That is the ONLY time I can not feel
the pain from living. It hurts to swallow and it feels like everything is
swollen in my neck. My limbs always hurt and my hands and feet always go
numb. If I don't take my Neurontin I will wake up with my limbs asleep. Sometimes
before I go to sleep I can feel my hands and feet go dead as if they aren't
even a part of my body.
Headaches, schmedaches. Arachaches is what we have. With each heart beat
it can get worse. Barometric pressure drops can be unbearable. Air plane
rides hurt like hell. I have felt my spine wiggle from the pressure change.
I have a walker that
I use when I am feeling really weak. It was the most humiliating thing
in the world the first time I walked into work with it. I was so happy
to finally have it!!!! However the people I worked with were very discriminating.
I heard "do you really need that?" as well
as many other things. Like I woke up one day and decided that the one thing
that would help me the most would also be the worst hindrance. Not only
does it hurt to haul it out of my car it hurts to see other people no longer
see ME as a person but IT as an appendage to me. I don't use it unless I
absolutely have to now.
I slept all day yesterday. I did this last Thursday, too, however I can't
find one fucking doctor to support my disability. I was diagnosed with Empty
Sella Syndrome by 2 doctors but a third quack told me it does nothing to
you. I wish they would give us a classification of having Arachnoid Cyst
Syndrome. Maybe I can be arrogant enough into having it called Catherine
Clay Syndrome if I bitch long and loud enough.
I feel like shit. I am going to bed. I've been suffering for 15 years now
and am trying to use my energy wisely. I see it as the same as money. I have
only 100% of my energy that is going to last (if I am lucky) 14-16 hours.
Those hours have to count towards a larger goal into making my life work
for me. I am writing. I am photographing. I am an artist trying to make my
way. One day... one day it will all matter.
Hopefully something will come of that.
I'm pissed at Joshy. It's after midnight and he's not here. My spine really
hurts today. I'm not in a good humor. Just hold on... July... wait until July
when I can go to New York. I'm really loving work in some ways and hating it
in others.
Tuesday June 22, 2004
"You talked
to two doctors. Be positive." I love Dez. I miss her like crazy. We
are sitting there at fisherman's wharf and he grabbed my boobie. I was so
embarrassed I could have died.
I can go
get my new Toyota. It's a 1991. It's not in Repo land. It runs. It looks
better than the pieces of shit I have been seeing the last two or three days.
Maybe I should learn how to put some TLC into cars... fix em up and sell
em.
I can't believe
that piece of shit Xavier tried to sell me. He still wasn't done fucking
me. An old squeaking piece of shit with no stereo, you can't put the back
windows down, the roof is coming off. It sucked. I don't know how to tell
him no I can't afford it now.
Joshy's gonna
lend me $100 until midnight ha ha ha. I made $200 tonight selling Vicodin.
I wish I would have bought that car back when I was giving lessons... lessons...
I should give a few so I can afford my health insurance again for next month.
Joshy's sleep
apena keeps me awake. I watched the clock last night. Tick Tock. Tick Tock.
3.. 4... But it's also way better having him with me. I love our late night
chats about life. "You should be a doctor."
"I would
never pass Chemistry. It would take me 16 years."
I finally
have one NS willing to help my foundation out. He said 5/1000 people have
arachnoid cysts and they naturally do nothing to the brain. It makes sense
to Josh that they kill the brain from what I have described to him. I love
him.
When I curl
up next to his body I feel like I am finally protected. He holds me most
of the night. He's so strong. I made him promise me he would see the doctor
to get rid of those polyps in his nose. They drive me ape shit.
I've been
in the mood to write lately but I have other shit that has been pre occupying
me like Crystal Meth Rebecca. The unhappy hooker. Jesus Christ.
My fucking
nerves are eating me alive. I hurt so much I could die. I can't stand it.
I'm so tired too. Overstreet isn't home yet so the apartment is still ours.
I don't want to go home. I can't stand to be around Dallas that much and
I finally figure out that if Joshy cuddles me on his left side then he can
breathe.
I told him
I would take the day off if he got that shit fixed.
I so wanted
to draw today. I had this weird dream about being superwoman with CJ and
weird things. It feels like things are taking off for me finally. Everything
is all falling into place. I wish Dr. Kelly and them would... Now I can finally
meet Shanna McCoy.
Wednesday June 23, 2004
I
LOVE WHAT YOU DO FOR ME TOYOTA!
Joshy woke
me up this morning at 6:30. "Time for a shower!"
"But
we have time for a quickie!!!!"
"That's why
I woke up at 6." It felt so awesome. I am so much in love with him.
The way he moves, the way he smells, the way he tastes is an ambrosia to
all of my senses.
Thursday
June 24, 2004
Too tired. It's Thursdays. I talked with Cami.
I am tired.
I wish I had scheduled a personal day off but then this would be the third
week in a row I would miss a day of work and I can't do that anymore. I suffer
too much. And the thing is so bitter sweet because I have accomplished so
much and am successful at what I am doing.
I'm hoping
someone is going to steal my identity. I'm sick of being me.
Sunday June
27, 2004
I
hung out with Praveen tonight. I taught him how to drive a stick. He made
me lunch for tomorrow and dinner. They ship him over here from India and "pay" him
$60 a day to work on projects. He doesn't even make minimum wage.
We put his
resume up on line and hopefully with some pixie dust he can find a real job
paying him the 90K he is worth. He has a wife and a baby to take care of.
I think if that were to actually happen and he does get a job then he will
do any programming I might ever need for free :)... not like my needs are
that great but it would be nice to have him around.
He reminds
me of a straight Indian Zack. He could so be my best friend. We had such
a great time hanging out. It's been 3 years since we saw each other last.
It's so amazing how the Internet always keeps you close.
I wasn't
sure if I would ever see him again but magically enough he works for a company
that ships him here and they won't pay him money yet they pay his food, apartment
and supply him with a car. He told me next time he comes he will have a license.
I told him next time he comes he needs to get sick and go on interviews.
"I'm
sure lots of people would do it but they don't all have friends like you..."
Which reminded
me of "Not everyone has a Katya that will smuggle pot in her panties." across
the Ukrainian border.
Josh's birthday
was Saturday. It's the first time I have gotten that man to lie still long
enough to allow me to relax although I don't know how relaxing it was since
I had to call a time out!
Me... call
a time out? WTF? Yup... I had to do it... he kept hitting my g-spot and from
where we had gone a little nuts the night before with the world's greatest
blow job... deep throat (all those years of being bulimic really paid off)
where the head of his cock got stuck up inside my throat around my tonsils
mmm mmm good. Then we went and had Fat Burgers (I splurge on the weekends)
and as we were still trying to get home from the blow job after seeing WHITESTARR
at the Roxy (believe me.. Joshy DESERVED that GJ not only because it was
his birthday) and stopped at a sex shop to pick up some toys.
We got nipple
clamps and a double helix, someone's genius idea to those horrible metal
cock rings, some "liquid virgin" and this g-spot thing that fit
on the end of his cock to make me gush like ol' Faithful. He put it on and
put it in and I gushed fast and hard and then we had to take it off because
it was just too much.
"Are
you sure that's not why you had to call a time out?"
"I'm sure." Why
does sex keep getting better and better? I thought it was like supposed to
peak but it's not. YUMMY!
It's way
too late, I updated Ac.org tonight, always a downer, my vision is blurry
AND I have a MRI tomorrow at 7 am and I don't know where I am supposed to
go. Fuck.
Monday June
28, 2004
I often forget that not everyone has the same experience as me. That there really are jealous people and people that just want to fuck with your head. I'm kind of getting away from that. Amy, my co-worker, is tripping that we are going to get fired when we are a new department and the work I am doing is actually showing results.
I honestly don't care if I get fired or not. I'm tired. I need the rest. IT would be nice to have unemployment for a while.
Tuesday June 29, 2004
I'm
in a foul mood. I'm pissed at Josh because his brother had this engagement
party and instead of inviting me, the girl he was fucking, he took an ex
girlfriend.
"You don't
even KNOW my brother. Besides.... I already had a date." I told
him that I was tired and I didn't feel like going out anyway. He insisted.
I had to wake up early and have a MRI but since he is healthy he doesn't
understand.
So from being
bitched at by Amy, the dyke who needs to get laid for talking on the phone
to Samantha and asking her what a Dandy Walker Cyst was. Amy laid into me
"I have to live with it 40 hours a week."
"Amy... we
don't work 40 hours a week together."
"28. I pray
for you blah blah blah... It's not fair for you to contaminate the air with
that kind of talk." I asked for my own office because I am on my last nerve.
I didn't do what I should have done on Sunday and I still haven't had a chance
to call Shanna and tell her that I wasn't feeling well. I'm turning into
someone I can't stand. I try to help everyone that I can and the only people
that show me any love are the ones that also suffer.
Buzzy called
so I called her back and told her everything going on.
"Well, Sweetheart,
you know you can be too intense at times." about Amy flipping on me and added
"That's how THEY are..." (they being angry, bitchy lesbians
not fucking for over three years.)
I started
bitching the other day in front of Josh saying "I don't know how people don't
understand that sex is so important. They quit doing it for 2 or 3 years."
"Not everybody
wants to be like that."
Then it dawned
on me that Josh hadn't had sex for a long time before the horrid threesome
with John Paul and Lysette.
"Lysette
called me to wish me a happy birthday." Am I supposed to care?
So instead
of pulling an Olga and being SMART to pay for another movie and then sneak
into Farenheight 911 we went to eat somewhere in Burbank. I felt like I was
a criminal last night trying to find some kind of underground horror snuff
film.
There were
some of Josh's friends there and Chris Johnson and Jen and Dallas. I hate
it when you get in the car with a bunch of people that think Kentucky is
just like it is in the movies... like in Coal Miner's daughter.
"Deep woods
Holler... that was the name of the place." Jen said
"Oh I would
never go to that place."
"Why not?"
"Because
I am an uppity woman." I answer. "Would you Dallas?"
"Hell NO!"
she answers back. All they could talk about was going to see Bob Dillon and
Willie Nelson in the minor league base ball fields that they are playing.
I was irritated already.
Olga called
me today. I was thrille.d. "Let's go have Ramen and see that movie" so now
we are plotting to see "the movie".
I slept all
fucking day because I do not have the emotional reserves to put up the assault
in dealing with Josh or Amy right now.
"Just tell
him you need some time to yourself. You don't have to be nasty."
I know he
is going to show up tonight without calling me. What makes me even more pissed
is that the night of his engagement party is that he called me up when they
went to Goldfinger afterwards and called me as an after thought.
I started
to feel like some of the chambers in my heart that I don't let anyone see
were starting to unlock but now the walls are back up and things have to
change back to the way they were because I am not giving my heart out like
that to a man that thinks of me as an after thought when he had been fucking
me for some time then and he knew me for over 2 years.
In some ways
they remind me of pop's friends and stuff. It's deep seeded Americana. Everyone
knows everybody. Josh's friend Scott took an interest in me and I had met
him at Chris's birthday party.
"So you're
the girlfriend we have heard about."
"Friend in
some circles and girlfriend in others." I reply
Some of the
conversation goes on and Ear said "Oh so it's JOSH who decides who you are."
I just got
off the phone with him. Unfortunately I made him cry because I made him
aware that it really hurt my feelings that he didn't invite me to that party
because he didn't think enough of me. "How do you think it made me feel to
see those photos of you and your ex-girlfriend at that party knowing I was
the one putting cream on your face and sucking your dick?"
"I don't
ever want to feel like that again."
He made it
"obvious" that he didn't appreciate what I said in how to introduce myself
to his friends as either his girlfriend or his friend.
"I was with
you when your brother asked you to be his best man."
"I'm better
to you than I am myself." Long showers, lotion, cream to keep his face feeling
good.
"I don't
give my heart to just anybody. And it really hurt my feelings that you didn't
think enough of me to get me a present for my birthday. I broke up with Andy
because he couldn't get that shit straight. I broke up with Florent for that
reason too. They don't make them special days for a reason. I know you did
do some things to make it special and you don't have a lot of money but you
could have drawn something for me." I can't fall in love with anybody.
"Come on
over." Because I can't stand to hear a grown man cry.
Dallas finally
got a job at Sony!!!
Wednesday
June 30, 2004
I am still unhappy with Josh. I told him everything that royally pissed me off last night and made him cry. Things like not getting me a birthday present. Telling him shit like I was next to him when his brother asked him to be his best man and him in turn asking his ex girlfriend to the party instead of me. Every time it's brought up my feelings get more hurt.
Today I feel raw from all the shit going on here at work with Amy and all the shit that I feel about Josh.
Why would anyone want to get involved with someone you knew was dying?
I think that's the thing that is pissing me off. Does he really understand the full impact of what he's getting into? I don't think so. I feel things for him I haven't felt for anybody but is this a blessing or a curse?
I got off the phone with Dez. She told me that I shouldn't be pissed that every relationship has it kinks and to just chill and take some time away from one another. Maybe if we spend the next couple of days apart then we can go to San Francisco and Santa Cruz. Dallas wanted to go because she has never been there.
Dez is going to be up there in SF. "Were you fucking other men?"
"I was going to go out with someone else that night but I waited around for him to call me. I don't remember if I was at the time..." I have to look back through my diary because then if I was sleeping around then I really don't have a bitch because I was intimate with other men, however I am still not sure.
"Those are MY boobies... aren't they?" He asked me at the show the other night... right as Craig snapped a photo.
"No... they are mine. You can have them on lease with the option to buy... however that old lease has expired."
Wow... once Amy left I felt a lot better. Chatting with Dez, the sun coming out and looking through old camping photos has made a huge difference.
Olga and I are going to sneak into a movie. Even if the tickets are sold out we are gonna see Farenheight 911.
