Tuesday
November 6, 2001
So this
is an old template but I want to write my dream down now.
I dreamt
that I went back in time to a place in Kentucky. We were eating
outside, it was the twenties because I was wearing nude silk
and it felt soft against my skin. There were a lot of people
there. Anne and Jen and then all of a sudden I couldn't find
them.
There were
girls from my childhood. We sat down for dinner. We had to eat
in shifts because there were so many people and then somewhere
I realized it was a movie we were making because Brad Pitt was
the main character and once we were finished with our meal we
walked about trying to find our friends.
He didn't
talk much, it was all me. Maybe I wasn't really talking, maybe
I was just transferring thoughts. Anyways I want to be her,
the woman in my dreams.
Wednesday
November 7, 2001
So I had
a 3 hour interview with BigZoo.com
yesterday. Part of me is thinking fuck it because the boss is
Chinese...
Today
is our anniversary. I don't know what Florent has planned, if
anything but it would be cool to do something fun. Last night
when we were making love I looked up at him and said "We were
on top of Twin Peaks doing the same thing a year ago." He got
all sentimental the way he usually does when he is choked with
emotion...
Thursday
November 8, 2001
I laid
my head in my pillow and cried harder than I think about the
same time mom died. I am not happy. I am almost miserable. To
think that we have been married a year and sometimes my life
doesn't feel *that much better*.
The clutch
in Jen's car went out when we were driving up in the mountains
on Saturday to a party. Florent just started bitching about
how he wanted to go back home and just whatever... He was worried
because he didn't know anybody blah blah blah. He never goes
out with me and being dumped by my room mate on Halloween really
pissed me off so I really don't like her that much. I don't
like the situation we are living in and I sure as fuck don't
like living life right now.
I am very
sad and I miss my mommy. I want to call her up and ask her why
men tend to forget stupid little shit that means so much to
women. Maybe I shouldn't make such a big fucking deal about
Christmas or my birthday or our anniversary but when my mom
was alive she made those days seem so much more special.
I feel
so beat up right now. I felt so neglected last night. Like when
my father used to get us stupid little girl shit for Christmas
or a horse I would never ride while my brother got an Atari.
I think
I need a long nap. I took one yesterday and have been in an
odd lot since.
* * *
I think
getting married was the biggest mistake of my life. I am miserable
and I held such hope that there would be something more solid
here but as time goes on the more I realize once again that
it's me putting into the relationship more than what I am getting.
I think
I am going to go walk to Barnes and Nobel. Florent went off
to do something for this asshole that he installed a network
for and ended up making like 5 fucking dollars. He's such a
god damn moron I can't stand it. I can't take the fucking dishes
never being done. I can't take him always fucking forgetting
events and holidays that are supposed to bring you closer and
make you realize how much you cherish one another.
I really
can't take it anymore. I think I am better off alone. I just
am so sad... I should perhaps go back through and read my earlier
journals to see how miserable I was before.
I had
such hope for the two of us and it's been nothing but one reality
ass kick after another. I'm sick of it. I could go live in a
woman's shelter. I could lie and say my husband beats me. It
wouldn't be that hard to
After
drinking a bottle of red "reserve wine" and running on the beach
naked with Florent things don't seem so bad after all...
Saturday
November 10, 2001
I hate
being married. I am positive I am better off alone now.
Last night
since it was Venice high school's Homecoming the street was
packed. I couldn't find a parking spot and I just got in from
doing voice overs for LFP (AKA Hustler). I was tired and pumped
so I parked in front of a neighbor's garage. Thankfully he didn't
have my car towed. He even let Florent park the car in his yard.
So around
11 last night I asked him to go move the car. He came back in
after we spent a wonderful evening at Buddy's place eating a
Thanksgiving feast and wanted me to come look and see where
the god damn car was parked and tell him whether or not he should
move it afterwards.
I realize
now all the wonderful things about him were a lie. There is
nothing wonderful about him. I was an idiot. Oh wait, he is
caring but now I am even having doubts about how sincere all
that shit is.
We owe
so many people so much fucking money... He's such a moron. He
charged this asshole $180 to install a network when it cost
him about 5 hours and over $150 in supplies.
I'm beginning
to wonder if it's me who is the bigger idiot or him. Thank God
I am not pregnant. I can't see myself ever having kids with
him because he is such an immature, inconsiderate jerk. I thought
I got away from that but it looks like I just dove right back
into it.
So I called
Andy as I always do when we have networking issues and he told
me that we could use the Linux box as a router. Fucking idiot
wants to buy a router no matter what because he's really not
interested in being an engineer.
When he
drug my ass out of bed last night he started bitching about
something in the car that I chose not to remember so I jumped
out of the car and started walking back into the house and he
starts chasing me and telling me how he "gets it" now.
He kept
telling me he loved me and I just curled away from him on my
side. I hate feeling like this and I know it's not just all
me but if I am going to be with someone I sure as hell don't
want to be in touch with my more base insecurities like worrying
about whether or not I am going to be neglected. Let alone worrying
about if they are going to take my god damn car away.
So...
I really give up now. I throw in the towel and whatever. I think
I am even going to start dating again. I have nothing to lose.
I'm really
sick of feeling like such a giver, except when it comes to my
grandparents and I feel like I am such a taker.
Monday
November 12, 2001
I guess
now is an exciting time for me. I got over some of the hurt
from last week but I am still not in the mood to be intimate
with Florent. I moved a refrigerator out of the house because
I was so sick of looking at it and I can't stand the idea of
the one I found for free going to rot outside as it is RAINING
in LA *GASP*
I went
to the Comedy Store last night and waited to draw for a number
to get in and that number is 10. I was very happy. I watched
other performers but for some reason I just think some of my
shit is a lot funnier. I guess because I have this slant on
life.
Right
now my main source of support is Linda Mountain. And my Granny.
I called her up a couple of Sundays ago and told her what was
happening and she told me I would be good at that. I know this
is awful to say but part of it is definitely because of the
way I look.
I think
I am going to incorporate how I'm so broke that I am losing
weight and how much I hate that because I love being fat to
a certain extent. I had another friend tell me how his girlfriend
gets asked out at gas stations the other day and I can't even
drive through a drive through without someone hitting on me
out here.
It's kind
of sad what happened today in New York. Just when everyone thought
things were going back to normal. It sucks but then you have
to start making fun of it because when I was sick and mom was
sick and Anne was sick we totally made fun of the situation.
So... by the time Pop was diagnosed with his cancer we all just
laughed. Never ask how much worse a situation can get because
believe me, it can.
I think
it wouldn't have been *such* a big deal if 911 never happened.
I have
to run to cost co and what have you because we are almost out
of TP. I went for an interview and it looks like I am picking
up some free lance web work which is always great.
I think
now is a very interesting time to be alive. In one way it's
tragic with there being no jobs and life just kind of stagnating
but in another way all the changes we are going through as a
culture are really making us aware of events that are happening
around the world, or so I would like to think.
I wanted
to get all gussed up for Florent tonight and have a candle lit
dinner but then I saw gas for sale here for $1.19 a gallon and
now I have to run and get TP so I don't know what we will be
eating. I am so glad to have that non frost free piece of shit
out of my house. I fucking couldn't stand it.
Florent
finally asked me "Why do you want to move that big thing in
here?"
I looked
at him and angrily told him that "I paid $130 to get that damn
thing fixed and I will be dammed if I leave it out in the rain
to rot."
Then he
said "Baby, I don't understand why you didn't want to pay $140
for some piece of shit refrigerator we looked at that was missing
a bottom... blah blah blah"
So I kindly
pointed to all the dirty shelves sitting on the ground and said
"Those belong in the fridge!"
I don't
think I will ever like a Lisa again as long as I live. Some
people can be prejudice about races, cultures or religions but
not me. I hate people because of their names. Lisa is my white
trash sister in law that threw my shit away and married my hateful
brother. My room mate is not too much different in that she
told me she would have her mover boyfriend put that fridge in
while I was fucking stranded in Kanfuckme. No bait. "Well I
didn't know what to do with the fridge that was there and whine
whine whine." I'm sorry, but I have truly learned to despise
her and I can't wait... Maybe she won't move but I think she
has found a boy to fuck and stay away. I came home last week
after Florent got a $250 phone bill and I said "We need you
to pay on this phone bill." Haven't seen her since.
I have
to clean the room, etc so I need to get off here. I hope you
are all having a great day.
Love,
Catherine
Wednesday
November 14, 2001
I have
been so tragically depressed lately that I thought it wasn't
fair to you so after I had an interview to work for Crushed
Planet I drove down Topanga Canyon Road to get some peace of
mind.
Florent
and I made love last night for the first time since our horrible
anniversary. I think better of myself than to give to him so
easily and since he doesn't know how or can't figure out how
to give to me I know that by not giving of myself, my body,
that is the only way he honestly understands that he has committed
some kind of grievous error.
"I understand
that you are frustrated with me. blah blah blah."
I have
been saying hateful things to him and I am not proud of myself
but at that moment in time that is honestly how I feel. Calling
him an idiot. Throwing the bank cards at him after he told me
he paid the phone bill (which I assumed was $250) and other
things... last night I even said "I'm supposed to spend the
rest of my life with YOU!!!" And then there was "Please
divorce me."
OK, so
I know I am partially
Friday
November 16, 2001
I woke
up today
My dreams went away
All my hopes and fears
were destined to stay...
Wrote
that on the toilet.
I ran
my ass off yesterday. There is a $500 check missing in the mail
and they are still threatening to take my car away. I hate them.
No compassion or caring or anything involved. I wish I could
feel up but I still feel a little down. At least I could afford
to buy some groceries.
I had
an interview in North Hollywood last night with the
Belly Twins to be their assistant in charge of computer
stuff. I think they were impressed with my skills and diversity.
We couldn't quit talking so that's a good sign. They danced
for U2 and No Doubt that night before and didn't have anyone
to take their snakes so there was a little disaster.
"I wish
I had known." I told them.
"We wish
we had someone that liked snakes because we could have used
you. All our friends wanted to go but they didn't want to handle
the snakes."
So I guess
I will be putting my multimedia genius to work for them photographing
and designing a new site. They have a shopping cart on their
site and they are paying more then $50 a month so I told them
they are being fucked.
Then I
decided there was no way on earth I was crawling around on the
expressways at rush hour so I took a diversion through Hollywood
via Santa Monica Blvd. I stopped and Western Unioned those fuckers
a payment and I will do so again today. Then I hopped back on
Santa Monica Blvd again and drove to Fairfax where I stopped
and got some Russian Black Bread. I went to this one store first
and they wanted $2.50 for some fucking bread but I knew across
the street was the real deal for $1.25 and that's the kind of
bread you can eat like a meal. Then I stopped off at a farmer's
Market and bought some Apples, Celery, Garlic so I could make
that one soup with Cannelli. This time I put ginger in it to
jazz it up. Then I went by Venice Library to check out some
movies and to the grocery store to get the Carrots I forgot,
bay leaves and rosemary. Coke was on sale for 2 12 packs for
$5.00 so I got some.
When I
got home Florent was worried sick. He thought I came by the
store took his wallet and ran away from him. He even wrote me
this letter.
My
love,
When
I came back home and I didn't see you I feel like a part of
myself is missing. I am nowhere, this beautiful life is gone.
I miss you. I miss your lively presence and character. I miss
your soul and spirit. Your tenderness.
When
you go away my heart doesn't beat anymore. The sky disappears
and the light is dark. My angel is my blood and without you
it is a cold in fluid that is immobile in me. I am totally
in love in you. I can't wait to see you again to tell you
we should move on a better paradise. A land of our own where
we can have fun without trouble and worries. Princess I can't
live without you now I know you exist. I was looking for you
for years and I can't wait for you more. It destroys me.
What can
I say to that? Half of me is angry that he couldn't write something
like that on our anniversary but the other half is good with
it.
I just
saw the most
vomit inducing site
it is a shame that there is no Jewish equivalent of confessional,
because i feel that my soul has been stained with horror from
that site like breaking a bic pen in my pants pocket.
I have
to jet. I'm working from 10-9 tonight. Bleck.
Saturday
November 17, 2001
I've been
having dreams lately. They say when you smoke weed you quit
dreaming so I guess my body is getting used to being sober again.
Anyways
I had a dream I was walking around some foreign country and
these high school kids were out and about and there was one
on the ground and I was tired so I sat near him. He offered
me a toake on a joint and then gave me a little nugget. I was
in heaven. Just dreaming about smoking weed was enough for me.
It was some kind of prized weed. I am sure it was hydroponic.
Chris
was there too. The dude that got me the gig at Flynt. He kept
chiding me that I needed to read something for something and
I kept telling him that I was going to read an excerpt from
my diary and he acted like it wasn't that great...
So I am
working with this dude who was addicted to weed. He would spend
close to $500 on it a month. I kind of giggled. Anyway, he was
talking about his life and how he was a gaffer for all these
shows he was positive I knew about. V.I.P. is one of them that
I know for sure because when it's late at night and you have
been surfing the Internet all fucking day Saturday nights after
Mad TV and SNL there is V.I.P. Then he started telling me about
these other places and I was just like eh... I don't know any
of these shows.
We kept
talking and he kept spewing and then he finally started talking
about the great JC. I thought to myself how funny it was that
he had this over developed body and underdeveloped mind but
that seems to be the case of most people around here.
Anyways
he looked over at me and started telling me how he was sure
I didn't believe that we came from monkeys. That's when I gave
him the raised eyebrow.
I wanted
to say "No you stupid fuck, aliens got stranded on Earth 50
gazillion years ago and got bored and started fucking monkeys."
But I refrained.
What amazes
me even more is that people don't understand that the fundamental
part of everything is an atom and that inside every atom there
is supposed to be a nucleus and an electron and a proton. Those
cells started to divide by some freak of nature, probably cancer,
and grew us into who we are today.
What stuns
me to no end is that people don't understand how cells inside
everyone's own individual body create themselves. Maybe I understand
this shit more than most because of momma being sick and Anne
having leukemia. You start to understand a lot about cancer
and cells and regeneration after you understand the mechanics
of cancer and how it latches on to healthy cells to feed off
their energy.
So...
Florent and I got nasty last night. I know I haven't written
about us making love in a long time but we still have sex on
a moderate basis except in cases of emergency like 911 and him
sitting in front of a computer all night during our anniversary.
It was
sweet. He is such a lover. I have been trying to think of what
my stand up routine will be tomorrow and I know I need to write
it out. I was supposed to meet with the belly twins today at
10 but I have to work. Yesterday wasn't as traumatic as I imagined.
I only made piddling tips but I know today will be a nightmare.
It's already
Thanksgiving. Fuck. Where did the time go?
Sunday
November 18, 2001
"Where's
my dinner?"
"Can I
show you something with Ori's site?"
"Great
honey. I'm glad it's broken but all the information I need is
on my broken computer."
Then we
get into it even more. He grabs my wrists and hurts me. Yeah
I love being married right now. He just took my computer away
after he was going to have me try and upload the photos and
what have you.
I'm over
it. "The other day when we went to there (there were people
fighting) people were fighting, remember? Is that how you are
going to be?"
I don't
know? Are you going to be an inconsiderate fuck that doesn't
ask me how I did tonight and doesn't kiss me and asks me to
make you fucking dinner when I've had a rough day?
I guess
part of it's my fault naturally. After listening to the Kia
boy makes racial slurs all fucking night and then these other
stupid assholes that suck and freaking people out it's been
a hard night. I will never make jokes about chemo again. Or
dad being an abusive fuck until I have honed my skills.
I also
think Mushrooms and anal sex are out of the question because
I feel like shit the next day.
Last night
we went to the Cinema after going to this lame ass party in
Beverly Hills. Mattel needs to be on high alert because it looked
like someone's been dipping in the plastic. Anyways Rod closed
the bar down and let us stay there and drink and hang out and
listen to music and chit chat and it was a good time. It was
one of the nights I hope I never forget when I am an old lady
because wow...
So...
I have been giving life a lot of consideration lately and I
need to figure out what it is that I want. Every time I have
sat down or really dreamed about something it has happened.
I remember laying in bed at night as a little girl (I was always
scared because my father didn't have curtains over our windows
and I knew he represented criminals and was afraid a sniper
was always on the other hill) and dreaming about living with
my mother. I used to cry at night when I was 8 and 9. It took
6 more years but we finally got to live with her.
I had
my eyes opened tonight in many ways. There was a bigger freak
there that scared me with his material. I remember looking into
the audience looking back at me in horror with some of the stuff
coming out of my mouth. God. And my wrist still hurts from fighting
with Florent.
Monday
November 19, 2001
My life.
Part 3.
I am wide
awake right now because they repossessed my car. I told them
on the phone the other day that there is a $500 something dollar
check LOST in the mail because of ANTHRAX. They don't believe
me. I hope they get their payment today and shove it so far
up their asses it hurts.
I'm in
shock. Here you are promised the moon when you are American
and it's all a fucking lie. We are slaves to our own government
that ends up taking away more than they give. I think I would
rather live in Russia where I know everything is dirty.
You are
born into this world and told about the American dream from
the start of your life. You will have a wife. You will have
a car and a house and 2.5 children and all this other vomit
inducing shit.
I am applying
for SSI. I give up. I would rather sit here and do my thing
all day. I know I can get it too. I noticed with just the little
bits and pieces of working that it's too exhausting for me to
work and try to have any normal kind of life.
And it's
not such a bad thing. At least I will be fulfilling my dreams.
Tuesday
November 20, 2001
I have
determined life is never going to get any better. At least my
life is never going to get any better. I thought once I got
married and moved to California things would just start happening
and I would be happy.
It's a
ll a deceitful fucking lie. There is no such thing as happiness.
I was
sitting here last night thinking about my mother and a new wave
of grief washed over me like jumping into a 50 degree swimming
pool. I could feel what it was like for her to die. All the
pain and sadness. All her hopes and dreams that never came to
life. Just to end so tragically and at such a young age.
I felt
the pain of her death stabbing through my youthful life and
a new sense of sadness overwhelmed me. I feel such a loss and
such corruption that I feel it in the pit of my stomach. So
much for trying to lose weight because now the pounds are just
going to melt away. I now understand what a true Hollywood diet
consists of. Anger, fear, resentment and grief. Mixed just right
with a dose of an eating disorder mentality and that's where
I stand right now.
I have
to go. I start working for the Belly Twins today. Hopefully
we can find a cheap car in the next couple of days because last
night when we went to the dealership I felt like a carcass.
Wednesday
November 21, 2001
So far
I have made a couple of temps for the girls. http://concepts.org/belly
and http://concepts.org/index2.html. One of them liked the first
one and the other one liked the second. We will see.
I hate
Washington Mutual. I think that have a really bad virus because
we got a letter in the mail that said we were over drawn $3
and when I came out from depositing a $40 check today the receipt
said that we had $132 something. I am a little concerned.
Tomorrow
is the orphans Thanksgiving and I can't wait. It's done by the
same chick that does the crap TV events. Pot Luck Thanksgiving.
Florent sat down last night and looked at me sadly and said
"Honey, what's Thanksgiving?"
"Don't
you remember Thanksgiving from last year? That's when I introduced
you to my family and told them we were married." Still no bells
or whistles. Kind of like our anniversary. So I gave him a short
version and then told him to look on the Internet. I feel like
I try to teach him some things and he just doesn't get it. I
think I should do more research about what's going on between
couples of mixed cultures.
Thursday
November 22, 2001
HAPPY
THANKSGIVING!
I figured
out that because I haven't been paying my credit card that is
the reason they took my car away. I couldn't pay my credit card
because I was so concerned with them taking my car away that
I was not paying it. Oh... and not having money to pay it so
I need to call those fuckers up and give them money and maybe
they cashed my check and if they did that then maybe I can get
my car back and then I can continue this front until they give
me my check for damages to my property.
Then I
am going to file bankruptcy and they can go fuck themselves.
The guy
that runs usaa sucks
called me this morning to tell me that they get people to do
their car, life, and home insurance with them and they provide
them with a credit card, home and auto loans so that when you
fuck up with one they fuck you over all the way.
And I
am not the only member they have done this to. Lots of people
out there have these kinds of problems so... I think after I
get a new piece of shit that Florent can work on (YEA! He CAN
do some things ;) then we might just switch insurance companies.
I don't believe in extortion and I don't believe in a lot of
the problems they are putting me through. Granted I know I am
not the best client right now but in the past I was exemplary
and for some reason that is incidental.
I found
out today *sob sob* that I didn't make it into the Lomo thingie.
My album didn't rock enough for them to let me win. I guess
I need to participate in more lomo shit in order to win a trip
to Vienna or something. Fuckers. They would have to tell me
on Thanksgiving.
So I am
thankful for not having a car and not winning a contest I feel
like I should have rightfully won because I put so much work
into my book but shit happens and life goes on.
The Belly
Twins are going to India next month and I told them that if
they needed anyone to go with them that I would. That way I
can take the snakes and photograph and get more idea for their
web site. They want to branch into several different things
and that makes me happy so... We will see.
I know
that as long as I have been doing this I have dreamed about
traveling with someone famous that needed photos and an extravagant
multimedia web site. I am waiting on them to tell me what kind
of fonts they need in order to finish working on more and more
of the site. I am still excited about it but in a way I feel
like it's all going to be taken away.
I don't
know if you have checked out the vomit inducing piece of shit
Melanie Griffith is running but I am positive that I will make
something much more unusual and dynamic.
So Jen
is having an
Orphans Thanksgiving today so I am making my famous mashed
potatoes and this morning when I called my family Anne told
me that she really missed my stuffing. So That made me feel
good. I made cookies last night as well as my mashed potatoes.
They are um um good. There might be 18 people there but I think
there will be more because it just seems like last minute people
will be signing up.
I think
I am rolling with the punches right now quite well.
I wrote
Jenna a letter and told her that they took my car away. She
responded with:
Dear
Cathy,
I really
do want to be your friend and I am sorry about the car and
everything else that has happened between us. I was laid off
from Shariat's and just got hired at a job today. I am telling
you, I have zero money and that is the reason why I couldn't
be there for you. Shit, I can't even afford to feed, clothe,
or house myself at this time in my life. What do you want
me to do? I feel awful about everything that is happening,
especially that every day I think about you and our friendship
that is no more. I really think that we should talk before
this gets any more out of hand. If I had the money I would
buy you a new car and whatever else you need. That is a fact.
I am starting a new job tomorrow. I am not telling you all
of this because I am afraid of being sued. I told you that
I was going to give you some money as soon as I got some and
you were cool with that. Now it's all out of hand and I am
just sad that all of this had to happen. I can not control
the fact that we are in a national crisis. I had no intention
of the road trip ever happening. I was supposed to fly out
of LA on the 12th and I did not predict any of this ever being
an issue in our lives. What do you want me to do? You told
my mom that you loved me, but how can I believe that when
I feel like you are threatening me? I love and care about
you, believe it or not. If I didn't, I wouldn't think about
you every day and feel awful that we are not friends any more.
If I had the money, Cathy, I would give it to you, and I would
have given you money for a rental. I am tapped out. What is
it that you want from me?
I responded
with "I can not control the fact that we are in a national crisis."
and said I wished I would have responded to this way to her
when she was sitting on my couch.
"I want
to be your friend because I am a piece of shit and I fucked
you over and you know I don't have that many people that would
drive across the country for me or get me a job that I could
bitch about incessantly or use her car payment to drag my ass
across the country"
Part of
me wants to be her friend so I can torture the living shit out
of her.
My brother
in law is having back surgery again on December the 21st. Merry
Christmas.
I am learning
a lot from Susan who is the one that got me the gig with the
Belly Twins. She belongs to Al-Anon and I think it's about time
that I joined it so I can ward off the many evil spirits that
some how infiltrate into my life. She has been telling me all
kind of encouraging things like I need to remember that adults
can handle themselves and that Kharma will take care of those
that are truly bad.
I once
upon a time believe in good/bad Kharma but these days I am becoming
a skeptic because I should have enough good Kharma to put me
into a higher spiritual bracket and yet... I'm not finding that
that is happening. Maybe it has something to do with I want
to be where I am and I want to be who I am right now and in
order for me to move up to the next level... I have to check
mate.
Friday
November 23, 2001
I have
been working on Ori's site again. Florent is actually working
on the shopping cart, really working hard so it's almost up
an running. I am surprised.
I just
can't stand my room mate. She eats our food and she only offered...
I'm going
to cuddle with Florent.
Saturday
November 24, 2001
I pull
back the skin and start tapping on the sharp helmut shape of
his hard cock. I am teasing him sinfully. "Blow Job! BLOW JOB!"
then he starts talking about the shopping cart and how if I
want to have one on Catherine Clay.com that I can have one by
the end of the weekend.
"You know
how you can tell a guy has a big cock? When it looks like a
3 leaf clover and has this (I trace my finger up) part right
here running up it."
"You are
learning more and more each day!" oops... I didn't learn that
by seeing lots of cock in my life, no no no... *gulp*
"I can
tell you are a papito," I say to him when we first start as
he groans to get on top of me.
"Yeah,
it's turning into old man dick. Better get it fast!"
"No kidding!
I could tell. 24 year old cock lasted up to 6 hours, 25 year
old cock I was lucky to get 6 minutes sometimes and now... now
I am getting aged, mature cock."
"I'M CLEAN!"
That's his signal for he wants a blow job. Always wants a blow
job... I keep teasing him with my fingers and then start moving
my hand up and down his cock so that he gets a burst of pleasure.
Then I pick the straggling pubic hair off his cock and take
him in my mouth.
"Oh...
you got the shopping cart done. Let me give you a big blow job."
So I start with the slurping sound effects and moving my head
up and down his cock and then I start saying "Shopping Cart"
intermitenly and then realize that like all guys he wants to
WATCH me give him head so I move so he can watch.
That's
when he starts going crazy.
It's not
long before my clothes are off with the diaper smell of a finishing
period wrapped in a stale pad from working. I get a little embarrassed
especially since he was making fun of me 10 minutes ago about
always being fresh and how I was kind of a freak for always
wanting him clean. But then I knew that he wouldn't care especially
once the heavy artillery burst from underneath my shirt.
We were
going at it, not particularly hard or soft yet but more at a
steady pace. "When was the last time we had sex? ... 4 days
ago? No wonder I want to come."
"Go in
a little deeper." uh---huh...
"Oh great,
that's better. Now I get the sound effects too. That's why I
wanted to bring that programming book in here. That way I can
read..."
"Well...
there's a French book down there."
He pulls
up a book and starts to read the title. "The Venus Butterfly.
The One Hour Orgasm. Great, this is just what I need."
He starts
reading the chapter about how a guy's cock can grow 3 inches.
"That's bullshit baby" Then he reads about how the root of a
guys cock never gets stimulated so I put my hands around the
base of his cock in between where his body joined mine. My left
thumb hit my clit in the most delicious manner and then he started
pumping and we started to feel the absolute power of this move.
I think it's going to be one of our favorites. You can rub on
the back of his cock and then he can feel it going in deeper
and deeper and still get lots of sensation from it.
"I'm not
giving you sex on your birthday!"
"How come?"
"Because
you didn't get me anything for my birthday."
"When
is my birthday?"
I look
here and it's tomorrow...
Tuesday
November 27, 2001
I got
the most beautiful letter from a girl I grew up with. She is
more beautiful than she could ever imagine because her heart
is pure and she sees things for the way they are and accepts
life the way she wants it.
I grew
up with her and recently when I was back at home I spent the
day with her. I gave her a password and I think it bothered
her that I didn't mention the time that we had so I had to explain
to her that there are some things I keep for myself when it
means that much to me.
She was
there for me in the most strange ways. She has the first video
tape somewhere (I hope she lost it) of me being a Nazi for this
shit we did when we were 15. My god... it's been that long already!
She was
there the day my father basically kicked us out. I will never
as long as I live forget her expressions that day because it
is a day that will live in my memory forever.
I felt
a humility that day unlike any other. We came home after being
with my mother all day. Allison, Stephanie's best friend at
the time and our skit partner, just had her license and was
the chauffeur. Mom was dying. It was the first time the doctors
had given her 3 months to live and she didn't tell us until
much later. She was doing chemo and it was about the 4th session
she had had. She was vomiting and comatose lying in her bed.
Sometimes she would look up at us and tell us she loved us.
Sometimes she would just vomit out this alien green stuff that
glowed in the dark. It was May and the week before Derby. We
had to have this skit video taped and we had to rehearse.
Allison
was kind enough to drive Anne and me to Dad's house because
he had primary custody. We got home and sat at the shitty coffee
table where I used to pick the yellow off because I was bored
and it was ugly. We were all sitting at that table when whoosh..
he went by.
Allison
said "Damn your dad is good looking!" Whoosh back to the bedroom.
"and he smells good too!" He was wearing Giorgio of Beverly
Hills.
"Girls,
I have to talk to you." He exclaimed. I knew what was coming.
He was going to bitch at us as he typically did. Berating us
for the house not being clean or something. The tone in his
voice was always the same when he was like that.
We went
back to our bedroom. He started bitching about how we were late
blah blah blah bullshit bullshit.
I couldn't
take it anymore. My mother was dying and she was in the hospital.
No one could take us back to his house where he put locks on
his door to keep us from stealing his clothes because he refused
to buy us any. A lock on the basement to keep us from taking
food over to mom's because she was sick and didn't have the
energy to go to the grocery. I don't know how she did it. I
look back now and I don't know how she kept teaching. I know
that we were her life and all she ever wanted was to love us
and get custody from my father so he couldn't hurt us, hurt
her any more.
He was
so cruel in his petty torments. Pretending to be someone he
wasn't. Saddled down with two girls, his prized penis living
with mom because dad wouldn't let him have a dog. He still paid
for him to go to St. Francis. A 20K education down the drain
when I WAS THE SMART ONE.
I couldn't
take it anymore. He was humiliating me in front of my classmates
and all the years of abuse and all the hurt and all the fear
and all the sadness welled up inside of me and I screamed back
"FUCK YOU!" Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and I was
turning into a woman. I was denied many things because I looked
like my mother. Earlier that fall I looked at him while we were
at Dr. Tucker's office where I was getting "help" and I said
"I get the feeling you hate me because I look like my mother."
Crenlin
eyes looking back at me with a red face from too much sun and
too many years of alcohol abuse "Yeah, you're right."
Years
of mourning went into that one. Not having a daddy, like I ever
really did.
Do you
know how frightening it is to see a big black man scared of
you for simply conveying the horror you experienced as a child?
I do. It isn't pretty.
More words,
more shouting. Anne telling him to fuck off too. No more tears.
I had finished shedding those in front of him long ago. Shuffling,
shuffling, humiliated and embarrassed we stuffed ourselves into
Allison's white car. Allison beside herself, not knowing what
to think or what to say. Stephanie in the front seat chattering
up a storm and those are the words that elude me now.
Spending
the afternoon with her the last time I was there was sacred
for so many, many different reasons. For starters I am no longer
humiliated at what my father did to me that day because now
I realize that he's the one that is sick. You can't begin to
imagine what it's like to live through abuse unless you have
been there. The love you won't allow yourself to feel because
there is always that horror on the other end waiting to come
out and bite you. The helplessness, the angst. The underlying
question that never goes away "Did I do something wrong?"
I took
photos that day of her putting life back into the earth. Her
thumb is the greenest. I would come home from that day and have
fantasies about her growing a rose for me or building some kind
of beautiful garden. It wasn't until much later when I was driving
back home and she made fun of me for loving the weeping willow
that I realized my favorite tree is a Japanese Maple, with it's
jagged leaves that constantly remain scarlet.
I was
and am simply amazed that she can make a tree. The life that
she chooses to breathe into this earth is pure and honest and
breath taking. I don't have the words to convey how much that
part of her touched me because I respect that part of her so
sacredly.
Like her
creations she takes roots from someone else and thrives. She
told me I am the same way. She's also a Gemini and I will happily
call her my twin.
Wednesday
November 28, 2001
Working,
working working.
Thinking...
hurting. I look it up once again. One of those searches when
I am bored. "I have an arachnoid cyst" I type into google, ignoring
the searing pain in my should from over 2 years ago when I went
bowling with Kevin and his friends before Rain was born and
Elizabeth and Chris were married.
Searching...
searching... There's my link...
Then I
come across this from harvard.edu:
It makes sense that syringomyelia might be related to arachnoid
cysts. I have an arachnoid cyst. I also have every symptom of
syringomyelia, and am curious why no doctor has ordered an MRI
of my spine! The cyst itself is not causing my problems, as
its frontal.
My symptoms are severe burning pain in the back of my neck and
over my shoulders and down my arms, replaced by extreme numbness
upon exertion. I also suffer from weakness, and facial numbness.
I also have horrible nonstop fasciculations and severe myoclonus.
I also suffer vertigo. At my next neurology visit I am going
to ask about the possibility of concurrent syringomyelia. In
the meantime if anyone has any insight about cystic conditions
being related, please post. Thanks.
So...
I don't think I will have a problem proving I am disabled now.
Thursday
November 29, 2001
I found
this site
about a father's story about his dying son and how he dealt
with that.
If Max woke up bright and breezy then we all had a good day.
If he woke up depressed then our own emotions often sank to
that level. This has no relation to the progress of the treatment
but it becomes impossible to disassociate yourself from it.
Not only do you live with the ups and downs of your own child's
illness, you aslo live with the ups and downs of those of other
families.
I think
because I had such an unusual upbringing with Mom, Anne and
myself being so ill in such a short span of time that it is
VERY hard to disassociate yourself from other people's feelings.
I don't know if it's the mild retardation of my own brain or
what but I can't dissociate myself from other people so easily.
I feel many days that I am blessed with life although lately
it doesn't always seem that way.
One of
the reasons I started writing this was so that I could see how
much life I would have missed had I actually succeeded in committing
suicide. When I start thinking about the problems I'm having
currently it's really easy to reassess my life. I am not that
ill yet. I know I am getting worse. There are certain facts
of life that I am dealing with. One day I know I won't be able
to type. And the silence I usually write to will be shattered
by my own voice.
I got
this letter today:
You recently
contacted the Patient Recruitment Office at the National Institutes
of Health. I am writing in response to that contact.
The Surgical
Neurology Branch has two protocols for patients with syringomyelia.
In order to determine whether or not you would fit the entry
criteria for enrollment into one of these protocols, we will
need the following:
*A referral
letter from your physician which explains your care to date
and your current neurological exam
*MRI films
demonstrating a large or progressing syrinx.
Please
note that we need the actual MRI films and not the reports.
It would be most helpful to have one MRI which has been done
within the past calendar year, and one done at least several
months before that, or prior to any injury. These films should
be sent via a company with a tracking mechanism.
Once we
receive all the materials necessary to understand your clinical
picture, we will review the information and contact you again
regarding the protocols.
If you
have any questions, please feel free to contact me at the number
below.
Sincerely,
Rene K. Smith, RN, BSN, CNRN
Clinical Research Nurse
National Institutes of Health
Surgical Neurology Branch, NINDS
10 Center Drive, Room 5D37
Bethesda, MD 20892-1414
Office (301) 594-8108
Fax (301) 402-0380
After
sitting around here and crying all day because I am pretty fucking
sure I have this syringomyelia I have come to several conclusions.
I should quit my job at the tamale shop.
Now that
I have a worse case scinero of what can happen, ie paralysis
and a horrible painful death I have determined that what life
I do have now is going to still be lived at the extreme. I called
Andy crying and he said that this might be the same thing Thomas
has, which would explain a lot.
I am trying
harder than fuck to get this bitch published. I don't care how
poverty striken I am or how many times they take my fucking
car away they can not choke my tickle. I'm still here and I'm
still alive and I would like to maintain some quality of life
before I am forced to be married to a wheelchair.
I used
to lay in bed and wonder what my next brain surgery would be
like. How much damage I would suffer. (That's one of the reasons
I have done the things I have with my life.)If I would be blind
when I woke up. If it turned into cancer. I never imgined that
I could put a name to the face of my deepest fear so soon, nor
did I imagine I would feel her biting me so deep, making me
fully aware that I'm...
An older
lady came into the store today. She couldn't hear very well
but she was still pretending. Every time I talk to my grandmother
and she complains that she is old I just want to scream to her
that I will never have that privlidge. And what's my even greatest
fear to date is that I will never know the sheer joy of dancing
on my father's grave some day because chances are if I am still
alive my legs won't be any good for dancing.
Looks like
mom won't be the only gunia pig for the NIH. Who knows... maybe
things will work out the way they should.
Friday
November 30, 2001
So...
it's bright and early and I got this wonderful idea that I still
actually had investments. My Roth IRA has dwindled down from
it's 10K to a measley 2,8K. How else can you lose 7K dollars
but by investing it in your future? What a crock of shit.
So...
there is one emergency taken care of. The people from ASAP called
me this morning and told me one of their directors works for
UCLA and his name is Ulrich Batzdors (310)825-5079. He is a
specialist in this disorder.
"You have
a wonderful opportunity here. Some people just come home from
work and they have an accident and then they are paralyzed for
the rest of their lives."
"What
about babies?" If it's true... which I don't see how it can't
be, then having babies will be really hard on me and then there
will be some point where I won't be able to lift them up. Not
like I can Florent right now.
Well the
good news is that I will be losing a lot of weight. HA ha ha.
The most famous guy to have this disease is the one who started
the Masters and he withered away down to 80 pounds.
It's so
weird to think about this... the loss of sensation for starters.
When Florent gets in the bath tub with me I know the water is
scortching hot because he always complains. When I take a bath
with him it's chilly. My skin turns bright red protesting...
I can't feel it unless it's hot and that's the only thing that
soothes my shoulder which always hurts now that it's cold.
I read
"I know it's strange to have a disease where you lose sensation
and are in constant pain all the time."
What's
really strange is thinking back to myself when I was younger
and doing some of the things I have done and thinking "When
I am older I will never get to do these things" knowing in some
way I would be... too sick to travel, too sick to dream... too
sick to do anything.
So now
I find myself thinking that right now... what can I do to change
the world? To put my experiences to work for me?
The next
couple of weeks are going to blur... I can tell. IF I qualify
for disability for all the years since the last time I got it
that will be a hunk of money. I am going to travel my god damn
ass off. Photograph everything I can and live my life like I
did when momma died, only hopefully this time I won't be broke
when I wake up.
God I
can't believe I forgot about that money. Thank you momma. This
will be the best Christmas gift.
