Wednesday April 2, 2003
I
played the best joke on my stinky husband. I kept trying to come up with a good April Fool's joke for you, gentle reader, but I could not use the brain power to do so.
So last night after Florent moved most of the stuff out of storage and stunk only like a Frenchman can I told him that if he took a shower with me I would give him a fountain and he was eager to jump into the shower with me.
Then
once he had washed his hair and was more than half way through
I said "April Fool's!"
Ha ha ha ha ha. I love it. We are getting along so well now. I forgot how nice it is to snuggle in the morning when the alarm first goes off. I am so sore and tired from not doing anything but sitting there but I desperately need the money.
I am going to give technical support for macs today at work. I was called for a few issues and it was great.
Thursday
April 3, 2003
I don't get some people. One of the dudes here lost the keys to the company van. It's been a week now and everyone keeps giving him shit. There is this one woman here I particularly don't care for. She came in yesterday and made us clean. I wasn't hired to clean this fucking stye I was hired to install software.
What a pain in the ass. I have been fucking with these pieces of shit windows boxes and now my hands are cut to hell and they all suck.
I had a temper tantrum yesterday. I cried and everything. I am so tired from everything going on. My shoulders are killing me. I went to bed at 9 pm last night. What a life. If I get disability I want to quit working. I want to create and work on my own stuff because I feel my life slipping away and working like this isn't cutting it.
I received
Friday April 4, 2003
So it's been 2 months since I had a brain surgery. My body is tortured and my soul is weary.
Tonight
I am playing a bad joke on Florent and having him go to play
games at "Kira's" place. We are hopefully going to be on Girls Behaving Badly.
Monday April 7, 2003
I'm exhausted and it's only Monday. I had an interview this morning and I got there and it was like getting into Ft. Knox. I had to wait for the right person to come to the door so I could get on the 6th floor. It was 7:30. I was in Beverly Hills.
I dropped off my time sheet at Team One on my way here. It was a hellish morning. Tonight is not going to be much easier. I have to go to the Condom Study place tonight after work. I am so tired. I washed all weekend. I got things in order. I am so beat now. I didn't get any rest.
My shoulders are killing me. It hurts so much to hold my head up. I feel like I am choking in the back of my head. Like there is a stabbing pain going into my throat. I'm so tired. I found a good bra, thank god because the other ones were crippling me. I hate having tits now.
le sigh. I am on my bed in my messy messy womb. It's bleeding now. What a day to start my period... I guess it's just as good as any.
Wednesday April 9, 2003
Tick Tock... there is a lot of time passing by really, really fast. All of a sudden it's almost Tax day (oh fuck).
Friday April 11, 2003
I had an interview today in Downtown LA. It was nice, the lady was nice but I don't think I am ready to leave the beach. It's nice working in Manhattan Beach. I would also like to get a job doing something else around here permanently.
There were bagels this am. I am feeling fat again. I have a little pooch I need to lose. I should spend some time working out and getting my body together but I have just been so tired lately from getting used to working that it's hard to do much of anything but go home and relax. I guess it's better to have something to do than to sit at home wondering what I could be doing to get it done better.
I got paid today. It never seems like enough. I have to go. Lunch is over.
Sunday April 13, 2003
Wow... So Florent found Buzzy a boyfriend. I have been thinking about all kinds of things. My life is starting to fall into place. I am not going to get back Disability. What a shame. I hate feeling like this. Now that I have worked for 2 weeks I could understand how Leslie could feel the way she does about being sick and working and how she can live her life the way she does.
Unpacking this shit makes me feel so much better. Wow.. Florent found my old cell phone. I want a cell phone again. I cleaned out my car so at least it's tolerable. I feel like I used to when I was in High School. No wonder Momma was so intent on us finishing school No wonder I had such an attitude about things before I had this surgery. I find layers and layers of me melting away or coming back together. I can put my hand on my lingerie again and take care of my things. It's a nice feeling.
I want to start building a portfolio. I have to start planning on how I am going to deal with what's going on in my life. I need to get into Summer School. I need to do something... I guess I might take a French class so I can communicate with my mother in law. I don't really want to live here anymore. I want to sell a lot of my things down. I am getting rid of clothes. I am finding clothes.
I was hoping that I could get sponsorship but I think that will not work. One of the dudes I talked with said that I could go there on my own and they would use the photos. But that's about it.
I am trying to figure out how I can get to Kazantip this year. I don't know if I can do it because I really want to go to France as well.
Wednesday April 16, 2003
I did not do my taxes. I am already fired from my first temp job. I can't do anything right. I came home this morning around 11 and Florent blew up at me. I can't do anything right. I can't hold a job because I am brain damaged. He is so mean to me. I made my half of the rent for next month as well.
I'm nuts. Insane. Do you know what a nightmare it is to be brain damaged and never learn from anything you do or don't do right and then make the same mistake again and again and again because you can't figure out what you did wrong?
I wish I were dead I am in so much pain from working this week. My neck hurts, my shoulders are on fire and I am sick to my stomach all the time. The emotional pain is only secondary to the physical pain. The pain of knowing you are sick and there is nothing right about you. The pain of knowing that you can't do anything right. The pain of knowing that nothing you can say or do will ever be like a normal person and then normal people always acting like there is something much worse with them than there is you because having a disability makes everyone uncomfortable. People don't know how to treat you or they don't treat you anyway. It's such a struggle to understand what is going on.
I feel so abused by the system, by my husband by everything going on and I am sure there are a lot of people that feel that way but they aren't sick on top of that. Some people are and they make due with what they have got. I am still learning how to handle what is going on with my life.
I was so proud of myself too. I thought I was doing the right thing and living a decent life and that things were going to get better and better. I don't care anymore. I honestly don't. I am so overwhelmed by everything going on that it's a constant struggle to get anything with my life accomplished. I keep trying and trying and that's all anyone can do I suppose but it's so hard to keep things going and to live any kind of life.
Richard made me feel a little better by telling me things are not my fault. He has tried to talk with Florent as well and he was not successful. So maybe it's not me but the voice I have let myself become.
Thursday April 17, 2003
"Can
you describe yourself in 30 seconds or less."
Outgoing, witty, gulp (Ugly and my husband hates me) dynamic.
"How
would your friends describe you?"
Dynamic, outgoing...
"Pretty
much the same..."
Well I would hope a little differently, caring compassionate (ugly, my husband hates me and abuses me). I've been crying for days. I am so tired from working because I am sick.
I called and spoke with Chris. He said we could make our instructional video and that it shouldn't be hard to find a dude that would want to be in the porn so our biggest expense would be the hotel room and DVD distribution. He said he wanted to be an agent and I told him I would work for him.
I've been sulking at Buzzy's for the last 2 days. I'm finally coming out of the shock of everything I am feeling. I should see the pain clinic tomorrow. Or that is today but next week. I need more medicine. I said it too after he wouldn't shut up. I told him he had a little dick. If he was going to tell me I was ugly and I kept begging him to quit because I really wanted to stand up and sock him and punch his lights out but I didn't have the energy to do that and I don't care enough anymore.
Julie said it right. I really picked a loser.
Sunday April 20, 2003
I wonder how many times Hitler celebrated Easter on his birthday.
We went to Sunday services today because I needed to hear the word and it's Easter. We went to a church in Palms called St. Bede's. It was nice. There was a huge window and lots of room for the kids to play outside and they sure did!
It was an Episcopalian Church so we were fed after the service. I think that's what I like the most about that church. When you are hungry there is food after the fact.
I didn't do much else but chat with Britt and Harley and clean all day. I really think the world of them both. It's nice to be involved with people that have similar problems like us. Well, that's not exactly true but they seem to have the patterns down with the way that their relationship spins.
Monday April 21, 2003
Blood, guts, pain and suffering. I am at Harbor UCLA because they told me to come to the pain clinic. I'm back on Neurontin, Elavil and Vicodan. They didn't have my chart and then it came in. The doctor on the phone told me to come in Monday and they didn't have me signed up nor did they have my ORSA figured out so that I could get my meds and treatment for free. What a bummer.
Then the nurse started bitching at me to get off the phone when finally someone could find out the info and the asshole where I originally registered didn't find the info correctly. What a disappointment.
Florent is going to have a hearing test. He hooked up my stereo last night and I made him clean. He is upset because I have no libido. What the hell is he thinking? I want to be a raging nympho 2 months after brain surgery while I was working full time? He's such a jackass sometimes. Just when I think we are getting somewhere we take many steps back and I feel like we start at 0 all over again.
His idea of a hot date is to go to Barnes and Noble and read through the information there.
I talked with Samantha on the phone on Saturday. It was nice. She is growing weary of the Brain Trust because work never seems to get completed. She said she would try to get me to Chicago in July for a conference. That would be great.
I called Brave Kids and told them I had recently had brain surgery and it was very difficult to find a job. She told me that they should have some work starting in a month for contractors.
I don't know what's going on with me right now. I know for a fact I will probably be on meds the rest of my life. I contacted some attorneys concerning my case and one did e-mail with me and so I was able to handle that much better than had I been on the phone. I hope I can sue UCLA for not treating me soon enough as well as suing Dr. Simon for medical malpractice because I am under the belief that had I had brain surgery 10 years ago again instead of waiting I would be in much better shape.
I can tell how things in my body are starting to change and I don't think I care for that too much. It hurts too much to do anything and I always feel like I am going to puke. I hate being in emotional turmoil all the time. I hate not being able to relate to my husband and feeling like I can escape into a different reality sounds promising but I know it is not all it's cracked up to be.
I guess I never did like having an easy life from the time I chose to live
with Momma.
Sunday
April 27, 2003
In case you haven't noticed I got a new job. It totally sucks. I hate it. I am doing telephone sales for Camera Ready Art. I know I should talk about how much I love working a new job but on Friday I got 2 people that said they would sign up for our service and they didn't do it physically so I got fucked.
Plus they fired two people. That made me uncomfortable.
I can't ever get it right with Florent. He finally took a bath after 3 days. We organized everything outside. He threw away a lot of shit. We washed a ton of clothes. Went and saw Josh. We really booked ass. I didn't wake up until 2 pm today.
I received a check from Team One. Still trying to figure that one out and if I did anything wrong.
I'm working in Sherman Oaks. It takes me an hour and a half to get home at night. I hate the drive and when I think about how I could be spending that time writing a book it frustrates me even more.
There has been so much going on that it's kind of hard to concentrate on one thing. Am I getting upset over stupid shit? He is making an effort to be a better person or am I deceiving myself yet again?
Do actions speak louder than words?
Every time I find that I can't take it anymore I feel like I can't stop taking another hit. I think love is as close to insanity as life.
So I have been talking with attorneys all week about taking my case. One said he would take it if I had like 3K to start. I don't have any money... how in the hell can I afford to pay anyone anything? I can't even get along with my husband. He's outside cleaning the car out finally. I am about to have a heart attack here. I didn't even ask him to do it! Could it really be that he is learning? Does he get sick of living in all this shit too?
One would think he does.
I pulled out my old T-shirt sheets. Even though it has holes in it from when I had a cat it is still nice to sleep on. It's amazing to find all the shit I have and figure out who I used to be.
5 orgasms later...
I forgot how much fun it is to fuck on this bed. Oh my God!
So I am working for a promotions company. I hate it but it's obviously a booming industry. I am sitting on an Aeron Chair.
Richard Rolfed me the day before I started this new job. Oh my god. It's so hard not to have an orgasm when someone touches you that way. "He touched me in places where no man has gone before" as Buzzy says.
I can tell that being rolfed has helped me so much handle my disease. I love that part. I froze some pasta for my lunch on Monday and Tuesday. I should have gone grocery shopping this weekend but all we did was clean up our surroundings and throw a lot of shit away and go to Josh's.
I finished up most of Marina's cards. I am very happy about that.
Monday
April 28, 2003
Happy Birthday Andy!
Crazy to know someone more than half your life. Well I guess I have known Andy since I was 6.
I just got off the phone with Rowna. She is 38 and just found out she has an arachnoid cyst. She does not suffer the way I did. Point to take into consideration. I yammered, she spoke gracefully. I interrupted, she was eloquent. I told her how much I despised doctors and she told me how they were her friends.
Totally different people. She loved the advice I had to give. She told me I should go on to educate people and that I should get my PhD so I can be an authority on my condition. She talked about the chocking sensation that you can understand if you really have this disease.
I told her how it really was. I was happy she didn't have Parkinson's but she said this disease doesn't sound like fun. Well... at least I have learned how to manage my symptoms. Vicodan. Pot. Water. Organic foods. Elavil and finally the puffy medication, Neurontin.
I never noticed how much Florent really worked out until Buzzy mentioned it. Me I just keep hitting the keys.
I left work at 6 today and sold 2 Power Clubs. That's $50. If I can do at least 3 or 4 a day then I will be making quite a bit of money. I started my day with the Power Club and I ended the day with one. That's $200 now. The best call was the last one at the end of the day. It just so happened that they needed a logo for the 129th Kentucky Derby. Funny how I have become nostalgic.
My natural nails are growing out. They look like I have a French Manicure when I put on the gloss. It goes well with my ring although my hands have become dry.
I can't stand where I am sitting. They put me in the fired dude's place and I feel uncomfortable. And they put me on a Mac too and it's not my baby but maybe if I am a good sales person I will have one of my own and start working from my home. That's what half of these people do in the promotions business.
I am learning invaluable skills at this job and I love it because I have so many customers to talk with. I am really enjoying myself. I made a call this morning to one of the places I interviewed. That fucking whore checked up on my Starbright record. She told me I had a mistake in my resume as well. They said there was a discrepancy on my resume which was BS. They let me go because I was a dumb ass.
So I sent her an e-mail and told her what I felt.
It's time for bed.
