Monday
October 1, 2001
No computer.
No husband. No car.
And a
deep seeded hatred for Jenna. I hate her. She is a shitty person.
I am taking down her section of my website that she loves to
show people so much because after being such a big fucking baby
she has stranded me here until my husband can come rescue me.
With friends
like her, who needs enemies?
Fuck her.
I'm not getting involved with her again. I knew on the way out
here it was a true test of our friendship and when I heard "My
dad won't let me drive you to OK to pick up your car and I have
no money." I knew I should have washed my hands of her long
ago. I am never going out of my way for anyone else again. I
am going to learn how to become a selfish bitch. I am only going
to take care of my husband, myself, my grandmother and my children
that way.
There
are a few people out there that I know I can always count on.
Matt and Sue. And Matt and Sue. Oh, there is Matt and Sue. I
have a ton of other friends but there is no one that makes me
feel as comfy as Matt and Sue.
I feel
like the bitch I became right after I had brain surgery. I don't
have any friends but the people I choose to care about. I still
love Grisha and Julia even though he reads and won't write :P~~~~.
Stephanie and Kirk. Jen of coarse. Always Ian. I never thought
that when I said I would babysit him that that would be a relationship
that would grow (but back then I didn't think I would live to
see 18). I was thinking about him and his parents, my adopted
family. Bob is one of the main reasons I hightailed it to Europe
because he told me about how when he graduated from college
he did it. Cathy for always having the best books and helping
mold my mind into what it is today. And Ian for being the best
brother I never had. I think I proved to myself that I wasn't
such a fucking monster when I realized how much we influenced
one another.
I told
Zack to take me off his mailing list. Why bother pretending
anymore?
Like my
first kiss that lingers in my heart and mind forever Joe will
still be there as will Andy.
I am sick
of people betraying my trust and confidence. I am pissed off
more at myself for being so naive.
I watched
the coolest show last night. It's called Alias and it's
about a CIA operative. The book I started to write by hand since
my computer is fucked is kind of like that but a little different.
I have
been walking Heidi all week. I have read Phil Donahue's The
Human Animal , and O'Reily book about architecture and A
Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius for kicks. I think
I might pick up a Russian book today. Maybe a French one or
two.
Anne and
I are getting along great. I can't believe it. Finally I feel
like we are at a place we have both been trying to reach together.
We went horse back riding not long ago and she came to Danville
to hang out with me and Pop on Friday.
The death
watch has begun. Mildly. Granny found poppa face down on the
bathroom floor not long ago. When he can punctuate the day with
his satire and criticisms it's a fine day. I love him so much.
I am sad to watch him slip away.
Granny
is hurt that I live so far away but I told her I could feel
things and that she is not to worry. She is diving into her
work. She complains about things she will always complain about
but working extra hard as not to think about the impending death
of her mate of 57 years.
I am more
in love, more enraged, more passionate and more bitter about
my relationship with Florent.
I can't
wait to see his face and kiss him. He got home last Thursday
from France and told me that the plane was empty. I wish to
God I had some money because we would be doing insane traveling.
I have
to go now. My time at the library is up.
Tuesday
October 2, 2001
Last night
was awesome because I was with awesome Ian.
Every
once in a while I get scared and think that I won't make a good
mother and there is Ian, a testament that maybe I did something
a little right. If my child or children turn out as awesome
as he is then that is all I could ever hope to achieve.
I know
I am such a perv and that I love looking at all the little boys
on campus. Florent is practically a child. I am older than he
is. I need to take pictures of Ian, like real ones. He is so
beautiful. I hope one day he finds a woman as unique and awesome
as he is but I have a feeling he'll be playing Leisure Suit
Larry for a couple of years.
He dropped
the Frat bullshit. I wanted to cheer but thought that might
be tacky. I never saw the point in paying for your friends nor
being a soristitute because I had too much respect for myself.
There.
I took all of Jenna's shit down for the most part. Why would
anyone run the risk of pissing me off? Why? If you had me as
a friend and you knew I would drive across the country or hold
my dying mo9ther in my arms why in the hell would you fuck that
relationship up?
Because
you are stupid, conceited and selfish?
Why, I
think we have a winner.
I should
be at home right now. Granny is heating up the soup. She gave
me her car keys... I came up here to write Florent a big long
letter. So much for that.
Uof K's
campus is beautiful. Walking around under the Harvest Moon at
the manicured campus with leaves that will be blazing with reds,
yellows and browns put me in a giddy mood.
Being
around Ian also has a tendency to do that.
I can't
wait to get back to Los Angeles. I feel like I should be able
to find a job now really easily. Someone that takes photographs
and speaks Russian, Spanish and a little French.
We walked
through the library. It was all marble. Such a contrast to U
of L. I wish I had had the strength to go there but I was too
afraid of leaving my mother.
I have
been walking the dog a lot lately. I couldn't run very far so
I started off slow. Now I can make it past several lamp posts.
I thought to myself "all you have to do is focus."
So I concentrated
on the tree that is on fire from the sun. I watched it as I
moved closer and closer disregarding my body's responses of
protest. More focus, more concentration, more energy to get
me to that one place. I feel like now I can concentrate on anything
and maybe from where I lacked focus before I will have it so
much that it will be an intimidating force of my own personality.
Wednesday
October 3, 2001
Some fucking
redneck won't let her son check out tapes on learning how to
speak Spanish. I can smell her scent of edu de cigarette wafting
from here. Cunt. I think I am beginning to hate people that
smoke because of Dave Eggar's book. I even chastised my oldest
sister for it. If she can fuss at me for not living here than
I can fuss at her for smoking.
I know
I should be casting the first stone because I smoke on occasion
but I can control my habits instead of allowing my habits to
control me.
I have
been walking like a bitch. So much so that last night after
sleeping most of the day away because my body is not used to
this regime I walked after midnight by myself under the harvest
moon. I wasn't totally alone because Heidi was with me.
These
fucking computers are sooooooo slow. And now there is a boy
crying about something.
I am sure
my grandmother is pissed because I am out but I need to find
a job. I need to do a lot of things.
It's beautiful,
you know? Walking under the full Harvest moon enjoying myself
and the fresh Kentucky air. Sometimes I revel in the fact that
I get to spend so much time with myself because I really do
enjoy my company.
I don't
know if I wrote about Anne telling me not to let anyone choke
my tickle. It feels like things are kind of like that... that
people are starting to realize that life is just one shot. That
you can have that survival instinct come alive inside of you
without maybe having to go through a lot of pain to feel it.
I have
finally come to terms with the fucked up events that happen
in my life. It's not a roller coaster, it's a journey. Anne
says I photograph to document the beauty that life has to offer.
I feel
like crying right now. I don't know why. I don't know if it's
because my husband is finally going to be here if the fucking
car doesn't breakdown before he gets here or what. I don't know
if we should stay here or go back to California.
I feel
kind of defeated right now especially if my transmission goes
out. I guess it's just a never ending cycle.
Thursday
October 5, 2001
Sachin,
I pray
everyday and cry every night when I hear about some of the stories
that are going on. Naturally I am frustrated when Americans
think that it's only them that are hurting. One of my Canadian
friends said she couldn't stand all the nationalism and pride
so she went back to Canada for a spell.
I am very
sad for you. I know what it's like to be left in limbo. I lost
my mother 3 and a half years ago to cancer. Cancer is like terrorism
because you can't really blame anyone once the reason is found
why it happened. You can cut out the worst parts only to have
it resurface in a different part of the world or body. Sure
people might be brought to justice for their crimes but it doesn't
make that dull ache in your heart subside.
I also
know what it's like to almost lose not only my own life but
I have a younger sister that had leukemia 3 months after I had
brain surgery. It was such a frightening time because you never
knew what would come of it.
But I think
this is much worse. I swallow deep as I write these words because
although in my mind there is some shimmer of hope there also
resides a fear of the worst. Part of me doesn't want to know
because I know how much it hurts to have someone torn away at
the same time having someone's life given back. My sister beat
cancer and although it's very hard to feel hurt and anguish
for myself over my own personal situation, I feel so much sadness
for you and your family.
My grandmother
and I talk about Nitin every once in a while. We sit and cry
for a spell over all the things that have happened and continue
to happen. It seems like all the peace I have known most of
my life will never exist because crimes such as these continue
to flourish in different ways.
My heart
goes out to you. I will continue to pray for Nitin's safe return.
Love,
Catherine
I'm concerned
and disgusted about your handling of a certain employee, Nitin
Parandkar, who is either lost in the rubble or in a hospital
somewhere in NYC. Did he not have family you could have contacted
left in his employee contract? I am positive he did have family
because his brother, Sachin sent out this form letter which
I received from a former co-worker that I worked with in Taipei
back in June:
> > Hi
> >
> > IF you know anyone in NEW YORK , pls forward the below message
to
> him/her .
> >
> > My friend sachin's brother works in the WTC,96th floor for
Oracle
> > corporation ,NY.
> >
> > No news from him yet. Pls forward this mail to all your
contacts .
> >
> > Thanks,
> >
> > Bharath Kishore
> >
> > the following are my bro's details. try to forward and
> > get any possible news...I could not get any concrete
> > message about my brother. I could connect to his
> > mobile but heard the voice mail. and could not speak
> > to him.
> >
> > his name and address is
> > nitin parandkar
> > 71 woodbridge terrace,
> > apt # 7,
> > wood bridge,
> > NJ- 07095
> >
> > res 7326360318
> > mobile 7816968897
> > office 2123459456
> >
> > local address.(india-parents)
> > 21-1-199, Opp high court,
> > ghansi bazaar,
> > hyderabad 500 002
> >
> > ph
> > res 91-40-4416599/ 91-40-7563742
> >
> > mobile 91-40-6521670
> > mobile 91-40-9848209311
> >
> >
> > he is working for oracle corporation and the client
> > Marsh. he works on the 96 floor of the World Trade
> > Centre (north tower.)
> >
> > Identification marks
> > 1) fair, medium built, round faced. bears a mustache,
> > wears a hmt quartz watch on his right hand.
> > 2) a big oval shaped mole on his left ankle, wears a
> > ring in his right hand,! ring fingure. the ring is made
> > in silver metal. The color of the stone is blackish
> > green.
> > 3) owns a bottle green coloured, honda accord. bearing
> > number 4820 RJ.
> > links to his photos
> >
www.geocities.com/nparandkar/nitin001
> > www.geocities.com/nparandkar/nitin002
> > www.geocities.com/nparandkar/nitin003
> >
> > Till now I have not been able to get any info
> > regarding him. So if any of you got any message from
> > the mails sent to your yahoogroups / friends/
> > relatives... do please let me know
> > at sparandker@yahoo.com
> > or contact me at
> >
> > res 91-40-4416599/ 91-40-7563742
> > mobile 91-40-6521670
> > mobile 91-40-9848209311
> >
> > thanks
> >
> >
His family
has a right not only to know what the hell is going on from
you, who is responsible for Nitin but to know that you are a
caring company willing to try and help them know everything
they can about your employee their brother/son/friend.
I would
advise you to get some information to his family because they
are worried sick and I think it's been long enough for you to
realize that something HAS to be done about this situation so
they can start the mourning process as well as ensuring his
life insurance policy, his apartment, his bills and what ever
else was his over here is taken care of with the utmost urgency
(if you want I will pack all of his things up and take them
to his family since I have been the one giving them solace as
their only contact in America who called the Red Cross to put
more info out about him) . He was a think tank, correct? Then
start showing some class and respect that all the American families
I see on TV are getting.
Catherine
Clay
Friday
October 5, 2001
I am sitting
at Anne's desk now. She took me to lunch. I must say that I
love listening to the crickets sing, the light of the sun, the
smell of horse inside Anne's car, her hair growing out after
I told her to never bleach it, her sparkling spirit, the taste
of a fresh made Ruben, a complicated twisted book by Claude
Simon (who won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1985), figuring out
that I have a figure, burning fat off my body, anticipating
Florent's sweet lips tomorrow as they kiss mine. Thefeelingof
having his cock thrust deep inside of me enjoying pleasure,
traveling, running away, running with Heidi dragging me behind
heras the thunderous boom offireworks from a high school I attended
my freshman year as the sweaty players grease by with another
touchdown. The taste ofsweet corn that yesterday had worms crawling
all over it and Lena telling me that those cherries were natural
because they could support life and I shouldn't be afraid of
eating them and then killing the worms digging them from the
corn buying the tomatoes from the side of the road from a girl
that took 50 cents off my bill because I wanted that natural
blackberryjelly to divinely eat in Los Angeles as I host other
people and ask them for a peanut butter sandwich. To feel his
breath against the nape ofmy neck in such a cliched manneras
he whispers to me in French utterencesoflove and sweet nothings.
My nipples growingharder as I take my fingers and roll them
gently across my sex while my other hand is tickling the inside
of my body causing me to convulse and tent as something inside
of me dips to pick the sperms up inside of her only there is
no sperm to make me preggo and now baby for me to anticipate
and get excited about loving and squeezing and calling George.
Of life andbreathing and my stomach knotting up from excitement
of who I am and what I wish to accomplish and realizing so much
at the same time that I am always the woman I wanted to be no
matter what I do how much money I have or whether or not my
husband is standing next to me. Giddy with delight I am thinkingofhiscock
asI manipulate my fingers across this keyboard and remembering
how badly I need a trim and color that is sitting inside of
Florent's bag as he rides on the plane to Oklahoma Shitty, my
knight in shining armorwith a bloodfilled hard cock ready to
fuck me the moment he kisses my lips.
Saturday
October 6, 2001
Florent
is coming! Florent is Coming! I should go home to see if he
is there but I ran into a chick I went to High School with at
Boyle County and we sat around and chatted. Miss Glasscock (with
a name like that I would never get married) is awesome. I'm
still reeling from chatting up a storm.
Florent
is coming! My belly is full of country fried steak with mashed
potatoes and gravy and green beans and bread and lettuce. I
am stuffed.
I should
go soon.
Monday
October 8, 2001
WOW!
I am in
love.
My husband
brought me back an aquamarine stone to be mounted on his grandmother's
gold mount. Pretty. It's at least 2 carets. The funny thing
is that I never really wanted a diamond and every since I was
a child and could see my Grandmother's Aquamarine ring I always
wanted one. It's strange.
He lost
like 10 pounds. I am so unhappy about that because when we got
married he was an itty bitty thing, well, except for his big
fat cock. Now I have to fatten him up again. He is more beautiful
than I remember. More loving. I just don't have the words to
express the emotions I am feeling. Maybe doing porn on the net
isn't such a bad idea especially with all the layoffs going
on around the country. I don't see the economy picking up immediately.
It would be nice. But I don't like to be far from him. I guess
if we could get a job working together that would be the best
thing we could do together.
I am so
pissed off at Bob Howard Honda in Ok City. Those fuckers had
my god damn car for over two weeks and they didn't top the fluids
off and now there is a leak in my god damn gas tank. The brakes
went out on my car just as Florent arrived. Florent said "In
French we don't use this word thief, we use mechanic."
I got
an e-mail from Michael today. He is moving again soon and he
wants me to find him a girlfriend. I have to have a reality
show. I don't know how to go about getting one though. I am
going to find great people for one another and do all kinds
of things. I wrote him back and asked him if he needed some
help. I am kind of sick of being in the States and I sure as
hell wouldn't mind earning money that I don't have to pay taxes
on.
God, I
am so in love with my husband. My heart beats and I leap out
of bed in the morning after sucking on his cock. It's nice to
wake up next to him. I cherish so many things now. I could care
less if we are broke the rest of our lives as long as we can
travel.
Thursday
October 11, 2001
My belly
is fully of love and fried country steak. The library is open
late, my husband is behind me and we are chilling once again
as the brake to my car are checked so we can be ready to roll
hopefully no later than Monday.
We took
a long ass nap today. WE took one yesterday. Florent is not
used to the long walks in the park with Heidi and his legs hurt.
Mine hurt too . I am not used to the long walks in the park
meshed with unadulterous displays of affection which randomly
take place in broad daylight as passerbys might or might not
notice his little jelly bean butt thrusting his hard cock deep
inside of me, both of us too petrified to notice whether or
not we are going to come because someone might spot us.
It's been
a couple of days of sobriety and my head is starting it's decent
into pain. I rub my eyes thinking that maybe it will go away
with some advil but soon realize there is no way what so ever
that the pain will subside without getting tore up from the
floor up.
Laying
in bed earlier I deliberated whether or not I should apply for
SSI once again since I have such a difficult time being gainfully
employed.
My skinny
jeans are now loose. Granny made me this outfit that is to DIE
for. When Florent saw me in it he said I looked like a bride.
I had
so much to write about the other day but it's all lost in the
haze of pain.
Monday
October 14, 2001
On the
road again...
I am filing
out this http://jobs.faa.gov/fam_online.htm to be an air Marshall.
I think I might be a great one. I love to travel so much and
who knows, maybe I can get my husband on flights for free.
Jenna
wrote me a letter freaking out, which is understandable. I took
her photos down. She doesn't want to lose my friendshit. I guess
if someone was still willing to be my friend after fucking them
out of a couple of grand and stranding them in bumfuck I wouldn't
want to lose their friendshit either. I mean who knows what's
in store for me next?
On the
upside our joint account is only -$240.
I love
living life. I need to git. I love you Sue. Thanks for you and
Matt showing me a good time. Sorry I couldn't ho9ok up with
everyone with Florent while he was here but I really have to
get the fuck out of here, I can't stand it anymore.
Friday
October 19, 2001
You could
hear the wind gracefully fly through the sky and caress the
trees with her presence. Fumblings, finding that right position
where gratification would supersede the most welcome human emotion
of all. I was on top of him finally like we used to be when
his arm was broken and his knee was fucked. We don't do it like
that often, hardly at all anymore except when we are having
a difficult time getting comfortable like we were on that reddish
quilt like blanket that feels like it has blue jeans sewn into
it. The denim makes for a good weight to keep us comfortable
and reminds me of how much my great-grandmother loved me because
this is the perfect blanket and most coveted which is why I
took it from LA to KY and was in the car when we tried to sleep
on top of it in the desert and then the 3 wool coats I had bought
for $4 at a yard sale could no longer keep us warm so I had
to use it to keep us warm because it gets really fucking cold
in the desert where you can see the stars light up the night
sky with their presence as well as watch the sun come up and
go down without hindrance. The blanket wasn't soft enough or
thick enough to keep our asses from touching the jagged earth
that was not meant for loving or doggie style so when Florent
was exceptionally excited he bit down as I came down on his
cock hitting my g-spot and making me moan with pleasure when
I realized he was biting into my flesh where blood would come
out and tattoo his flesh and I continued my pelvic thrusts on
to his cock and held my tits to his chest and the pain was unbearable
and I held my nipple as it ached when I saw the lights over
the San Bernardino mountains I thought about the exquisite beauty
of civilization and parties and life that exists in LA. I knew
it wasn't LA but shouted out in extacy when I came and there
was nothing around but the sound of the wind over the trees.
I didn't let him finish. I was too angry that he had been so
violent with my body that I didn't allow him to come so we sat
on the blanket naked and wet listening to the bird's wings flap
above us which was a joy I had never known just like the view
of the Grand Canyon was so new to me that it all looked like
a deceptiful mirage which begged for exploration of weeks at
a time just to get close to the bed of the river and fish from
its contents to sustain my life in a fantasy that one day I
will hike the canyon and feel the walls and become ecstatic
at the possibility of being a nature girl and perhaps even wandering
the Indian Garden naked as I did high above the rim with the
sun shining one me and deer and elk shit like pebbles of hard
earth easily visible as Heidi tried to roll in it and Florent
talking about the building with my blood tattooed on his dark
Mediterrean flesh which I got him to admit was probably not
solely French but a mixture of Europe's best with his racial
mark in the shape of a diamond which you can see even when his
cock is not hard and ready to be celebrated.
Sunday
October 21, 2001
Who knows
what is really going to happen?
I watch
the television and the purification we call the media just to
see what is being said and/or done. I am disgusted. They are
so gullible, believing all this shit from a fascist regime.
We paid
Osama. We made him. Daddy Bush put him where he is today. He
is not the workings of some evil entity but one spawned by our
own devices. I never believe the media especially after traveling
so much. All this patriotism makes me want to vomit not because
I abhor patriotism but for the simple fact that this form of
patriotism is unjustified and all the hate and bad feelings
we hold for some bastard that was intelligent enough to carve
out an elaborate cave system that will take years for us to
penetrate and to bomb the one thing that Americans hold dear...
I mean come on. Do you honestly hold 3 buildings and the lives
of people that you will never know and can only know through
what the media chooses to revel to you so dear to your heart
and soul?
What is
the real tragedy here is not the mass destruction of our "symbols"
of capitalism but the manipulation of the American people, the
world for that matter, that we created something so wrong (funded
it fully to its entirety) and the government is choosing to
use our emotions against us because we see this as an attack
on the very essence of who we are. I want to vomit on a daily
basis not because I am not patriotic but because the people
are so dumb and blinded by this bullshit they can't see this
fascist regime for what it is.
Bush stole
the presidency. This is an indisputable fact. He was a blood
thirsty killer of Texas, which amazingly enough has so much
federal money to fix its decapitated roads and rest areas. I
was simply amazed at how in one token shit holes like McClean,
Texas (with it's shuddering Texas Chainsaw Massacre feel) can
exist while the roads around it are all being repaired. What
a fucking nightmare of a place to live in.
Should
it be a surprise that this man who stole the presidency is equally
blood thirsty for war? You know he was itching for it. I wouldn't
be surprised if the men who had the flight training didn't receive
government money. Government money that did not aid in my education
because I have loans I need to pay back. Government money like
the government money we so freely give to other countries while
Australians are given money to go on walkabouts so they go back
to their own country.
And then
there is the fear factor for traveling. Americans will never
know the honor or glory that I had the privlige of knowing for
myself firsthand what is is to travel. They are now living in
a constant fear of what is going to happen, much like the Russian
people live in only they adapt. We run to the doctor to get
drugs because we are so depressed we can't deal with the slightest
bit of adversity.
Oh well...
We walked
along the beach this morning in Marina Del Rey. I'm so used
to walking now that it's kind of become a habit now. Maybe I
can continue on my quest to become more healthy.
You know
while the media is running around like chickens with their heads
cut off I am wondering where the bomb is going to be put together
and gracefully caused to discharge.
Monday
October 22, 2001
I'm in
a frightfully ugly mood today. I hate my room mates, those fucking
lazy bastards. I came home and this place was a God Damn pig
stye (my father's words... I am not so demented). I scrubbed
the floor in the the living/dining room on my hands and knees.
I have cleaned out our bathtub as well as all around the sink.
Now it's Greg's turn to clean his fucking piss off the God Damn
floor. Florent can not pee standing up inside a house because
of the way the stream comes out it will get all over everything
so he resigns to sit when he is inside the house but more often
than not will grace a tree outside with his presence.
I found
that Lisa took some of my cologne and kept it in her bathroom
which royally pissed me off as well as not getting her shit
all situated. She said she would try to move the fridge from
outside to inside, the one I found for free and paid $130 to
fix. It's still sitting outside with a nice den of ants slumbering
inside the freezer forever until I clean it out.
They smoked
most of my weed I am sure because I left enough to come back
to. Gone gone gone. I am not smoking them up ever again. I hate
stingy pot heads and money is too hard to come by right now.
Which means I am out and I don't have a way of coming up with
any and I am positive those fuckers won't put out.
So I hate
my room mates and I am sure Florent won't look for a job today
like he said he would. Oh wait... he is actually applying for
a job in Kanfuckme that I found. Who fucking knows. Maybe this
time he will get a job.
I have
to go in a moment because of my first interview. I am positive
I already have the job because they were looking for people
a month ago when Jenna was here.
Charles
came by last night. I made some frightfully good cookies. He
chastised me when I said that we deserved this. "You don't really
mean that, do you? I mean think about what you are saying!"
"I'm sorry
I feel this way but I do. All across the country we haven't
had anything major happen in years, a fuck you to contend with."
"But all
the innocent people. You wouldn't tell me..."
I wouldn't
tell you that they didn't deserve to die? He kept trying to
say "But if I hit you in the face now" That's not my point.
This is an event that already happened. There is nothing we
can do to change it. "The tragedy" I agree. It was royally tragic.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone but after having so many fucked
up things happen to me in my life I can honestly say that people
needed something like this so they could re-evaluate who they
are, where they stand and just how far they are willing to go
in order to change things.
We needed
this so we could realize that we are just as vulnerable to a
fucked up system as the Russians, the Afghans, pick any other
country and insert it here to political systems (except maybe
Canada ;) All the people that died. It's awful. Listening to
a tape the other day that a doctor recorded as he was there
and seeing the darkness and hearing the yelping suits of firemen
that were down broke my heart all over again.
How many
innocent lives have we taken in the name of democracy? How many
innocent people are we going to kill just in order to cut the
cancer of terrorism out? In the past, the secret missions that
people have lead, the massive killings of countless women and
children that were slaughtered in Vietnam, the things we will
never know of because we are Americans and we close our eyes
to our own horrors we ourselves create.
Florent
had some shit downloaded on his computer. It was NASTY. A woman
being fucked by a pig, women sucking dog's dicks, some Russian
soldier having a knife stabbed into his perfectly smooth throat
and then one guy having his head chopped off. There is lots
of sick shit out there. I just personally they find that pig
so he can fuck Bin Ladin in the ass. I think I might even pay
to watch that one.
* * *
"Do
you honestly hold 3 buildings and the lives of people that you
will never know and can only know through what the media chooses
to revel to you so dear to your heart and soul?" Yes. How cold
hearted can you be? Why don't you just move to another country
where you can see just how good you have it here. You obviously
hate America, so move. If you can't see what this has done to
our country and our ideas of freedom and safety, then you are
an idiot. Grow the fuck up.
Please
leave your name at the sound of the tone, fucker.
I'm sorry
but I was NEVER GIVEN THE GOD DAMN LUXERY YOU WERE ABOUT LIVING
IN SUCH A GREAT FUCKING COUNTRY! I do think America SUCKS. I
think AMERICANS SUCK. We are, on a whole, a bunch of shallow,
ignorant people that think we are the only fucking people on
the god damn planet. And I am willing to bet your ignorant ass
has never left the polluted soil of the USof A.
How can
I be so cold-hearted? Simple. I became detached. Noone gave
a fuck when my mother died so why should I give a fuck about
other people? And then why in the hell should I give into the
media frenzy? You know in 6-8 more weeks its going to be a distant
nightmare just like the god damn Oklohoma bombing.People are
so eager to forget so they can go back to their Tupperware parties
and Avon and Amway and Herbal-life.
FYI I
applied for a job in Saudia Arabia this weekend. I can't wait
to get away from fucked up shit heads like you that choose to
so blindly believe in that shit coming across the TV. How many
fucking people do we kill on a daily basis? You obviously could
give a fuck because you are only talking about America which
is why I HATE IT HERE so much. Which is why I married a French
man so we can retire to France when we are old.
I can't
even express my own fucked up opinions IN MY GOD DAMN FORUM
without being criticized by some fuck who wouldn't even leave
their god damn name. I am so happy I made you angry who ever
you are and how you vowed never to come back here (silently)
after what you read because honestly, I know you are addicted
to my writings and you will keep coming back again and again
and again. Or better yet why don't you e-mail
me so I can take your god damn password away? I think someone
needs to run to the doctor and get a prescription of Prozac
or be dropped in the middle of Russia for a reality check.
Up, this
just in. I AM A CUNT! Get over it. I decided that after being
used most of my god damn life that I am not dealing with assholes
that continue to use and abuse my kindness and friendshit. Fuck
everyone that doesn't get it or can't take an OPINION SO FAR
FROM THEIR OWN.
Tuesday
October 23, 2001
Poor me.
I feel sorry for me now. I will never be nice to anyone again
as long as I live. I am so fucked that I don't know what to
do. I know there is no way I can work enough... maybe there
is but I doubt it. Maybe if I work really really hard I can
make enough money so they won't take my car away.
* * *
Good.
Go to Saudi Arabia. I hope that they shoot you. If it was your
sister or someone that you cared about in those planes or those
buildings you'd be crying out of your asshole. Your problem
is that you don't care about anyone but yourself.
See, I
knew you would be back. What an asshole. Yeah you are right.
I don't give a fuck about anybody else but myself just like
every other god damn American on the planet. That's why I'm
fucking broke now. Because I only cared enough about me to take
myself and Melissa and Colin on that 5K cruise. Let's not forget
ther $400 I gave some teller in the bank. Oh that 1K I gave
to one of my professors because she was going through a divorce
and I felt sorry for her because she touched me. What about
the $700 I sent to my girlfriend in Russia knowing there was
no fucking way she could ever pay me back.
And shall
we forget my most recent faux pas, driving across the country
to get some fucking cunt home in time for the high holy days
so she could spend them with her family. Yeah, I only care about
myself which is why your skanky ass keeps writing shit to me
trying to make me feel bad.
I think
it was daddy who said it best. Don't ever let them know how
you feel. I don't know why I even bother to keep this god damn
thing or why I am stupid enough to let people read it anymore.
Oh yeah...
if it was my sister but guess what? IT WASN'T! I don't see you
doing a god damn thing who ever in the fuck you are because
you don't have the balls to e-mail me and tell me who you are
or the balls to leave your name. I guess I am going to have
to start tracking IP's because I will figure out who you are
really fucking fast then and yank your god damn password off
my database.
People
die all the fucking time. I am sad that there are people that
died in the incident but it wasn't me. Wait... refresh my memory...
I think my mother died. Wait was that my mother? Why yes it
was. I but gutless pussy fuck still cuddles up to mommy every
night while my mother is rotting in the ground.
I thought
of a new insult. It's the grossest one. Lick my rotting mother's
cunt lips. That should be a nice visual.
I hope
I do get a job in Saudia Arabia but I am sure I won't because
I have a cunt and we all know that people the world over are
scared of pussy power. And I know you don't really mean that
you want me to be shot because then your addiction will no longer
be saited and then who will you turn to just to feel something
that you aren't getting from someone else?
Whatever.
I really enjoyed making tamales today. Or I should say reheating
them. And eating Fresh ones. YUMMY! I'm such a hot tamale!
Wednesday
October 24, 2001
happy
happy! joy joy!
I got
rid of the fucking asshole that was making my diary a hell.
Now you get some joy.
I went
to the Laugh
Factory last night to do as Mike
Jasper advised to listen to the comedians that were there.
There
is no contest. I know I am funnier than most of the open Mike
people. For $10 and a 2 drink minimum (which I only had one)
I saw all kinds of wonderful performers.
The best
part was Damian Wayens. He is so fucking cool. He is very angry
and bitter over the divorce and payment of alimony to his ex-wife
and sad about his brother dying. That didn't stop him from still
being one funny mother fucker.
He talked
about all kinds of shit and wanted a reaction from the audiance
so you know I can't keep my big mouth shut. At one point he
was talking about how the condom ruined everything because women
should have to have something to scrape out and I yelled out
"it drips" and the entire audience was rolling.
I went
by myself which I think was a very good thing because Florent
actually got a job last night so now they hopefully won't take
my fucking car away and we can make rent yada yada yada.
It was
fun driving down the Sunset Strip. I am very excited and very
optmistic about what's going to happen. My hands smell like
onions still from chopping them at work yesterday. For the most
part I am really, really happy. Things are honestly looking
up for me :)
Friday
October 26, 2001
It's like
a god damn rollar coaster around here.
I have
to go make Florent breakfast.
God DAMN!
I could taste the job at Ticketmaster. I called the recruiter
again today and he was so pissed. He even said "God Dammit"
because I am perfect for that job.
I feel
like there is nothing I am doing right. My fucking hand is a
reminder that I am god damn meat because it's burnt to hell
and a fucking dog bit me yesterday. I'm kind of hopeless right
now.
I made
the mistake of watching Oprah last night. All these women freaking
out. IT's really sad how everyone is so fucking scared they
won't even leave their house.
I kind
of feel like walking out in the middle of the street and asking
why in the fuck all this shit is happening to me but I know
I won't be lucky enough to be hit by a Mack truck. Some fuck
will end up saving me.
I'm sorry
but no one can convince me that hell is worse than this. My
whole God Damn life has been one disaster after another and
frankly, I'm rather sick of it. I was hoping one day that my
life would be picturesque but there isn't a snowball's chance
in hell of that ever happening. There will always be this undertone
of misery that I can not get rid of.
And now
I think I am coming down with Lisa's illness. Everyone in LA
has this bug going around and I for one do not want it. And
my gash is wounded. I guess there is one positive, at least
now that I am in hell I won't bring a new life to it.
Sunday
October 29, 2001
In a Crouching
Tiger, Hidden Dragon move I watched as my husband lifted
himself up from the bed frightened of the earthquake. Usually
it's me that feels it first and I jump on him. I have never
seen anyone move like that in my life. It made me laugh so much
that by the time it was over he was standing outside in his
boxers making fun of me for staying inside the house.
Hopefully
a miracle will happen and we will make rent. I hope and hope
and hope. I made $25 helping Buddy move his merchandise. I have
this thing I am going to tomorrow and hopefully that will be
about $50. Maybe there is like $25 in change laying around.
I think we might be able to make rent by the 5th. Hopefully
Florent will get paid for this week too. I'm trying to sell
a leather jacket I got in Florence. Hopefully we can make all
of rent.
It's been
a slow weekend. I was bored late last night so I put on makeup
and my red prom dreass with fringe. I made Florent get ready
and he tried half assed. The car started making this awful smell.
We came back home and I sulked. And I was sad.
Florent's
mother wants a photograph of me where I am happy. The one she
has is one of the happier photos of us that we have. I told
him that I will always have a look of sadness across my face.
I found
the perfect job.
Providing
broad support to the (DHS) Defense HUMINT service in the drafting
of the JCS HUMINT Capstone requirements Document (CRD), which
provides the definitive statement of military HUMINT requirements
for the years ahead. We aslo assisted in the DHS reinvigoration
effort, which helped create a more effective internal DHS structure
and improved capabilities to support worldwide efforts.
Immediate
need, Immediate need, Immediate need for a large number of human
intelligence collection managers and analysts, counter-terrorism
specialists, and targeteers for work in the DC area. You must
have a current SCI clearance, and be prepared to being work
within the next month. If you speak one or more foreign languages
and have regional expertise in Europe, Asia, Russia, Central
and South America, the Middle East, SubSaharan Africa, and the
Balkans, you are even more in demand. Intelligence Community
experience is highly preferable, but we are ready to talk to
anyone with the above quals, if you have an SCI clearance.
Maximum
Salary $75K
Yeah
like I am so sure they are going to want me. Who knows. Maybe
next month I will be in Russia. Then again if I start doing
that I can't do this anymore.
Let's
all hope that I get some kind of feedback doing stand up. Then
again I could be like Sydney on Alais (HA) and go out and kick
some ass. I blend in. No one really ever notices the fat girl
so there is a lot of comfort in that. Everyone notices the tits.
Maybe I will ever go back to being a brunette.
Florent
told me not long ago that I couldn't join the CIA if I married
a French national. I mean what are you supposed to do with a
Russian major?
I started
the job search again. Fuck it. I should have taken the Russian
angle a long ass time ago but then things wouldn't have worked
out the way they have.
You
see, I'm following a formula. I knew that if I stayed fat and
protected myself from the time I was young I would never know
the misery in life that my mother knew. I knew from watching
and paying attention that if you are ever going to make it in
the entertainment business and you are a powerful woman you
better find someone to love before it all starts to happen.
I know who I am. I know what I can mean. I custom tailored my
life to suit me because I knew that if I spent all that money
doing things I enjoyed and understanding more structures of
thinking besides the ones offered just here in the states that
I would find the answers to all my questions.
I create
these mundane problems for myself. The ones everyone else also
seems to have because once you have pushed yourself to the limit
and you know you can no longer talk to much less fit in with
your peers all the time that you have to live life as usual
in order to have some common denimoter that makes you more or
less a member to this society.
I know
who I am. It's all about to happen. It's going to go either
way. Something is going to change my life so drastically that
the few people I do call friends and those very few of you who
now have a password here I hope I can always trust. Well trust
in the way that some of you know when to give me shit when I
am wrong and some of you give me shit just to give me shit.
And some of you offer words of encouragement and support.
Maybe
I am wrong and nothing is going to happen. Maybe my life will
just continue to be an extension of this hell.
I called
Jenna today to try and find out something. I talked to her cunt
mother. "Blah blah blah but if Jenna took you to Ok City then
she would have to drive ALL THE WAY BACK BY HERSELF!"
"I
have two people here that will say it was Jenna's idea we left
to begin with. She was sitting here crying and she had to be
home in time for the High Holy Days and I loved her..."
The
cunt finally hung up on me. "This is silly, I wish your girls
would work this out." And "you can't bleed a stone" were two
of my personal favorites. That fucking whore bled me and I am
so god damn broke that they are going to take my fucking car
away.
Whatever.
I think I really have grown up a lot these last couple of weeks
or became more jaded. I know I can never trust anyone like I
used to. It's not so much the part about getting hurt because,
well, I am my father's daughter. I love the people I love whole
heartedly but once someone fucks me over that's it.
I didn't
kiss Florent good bye when I went to help Buddy. He was frantic
with worry the 2 hours I was gone. He even squeezed that fucking
zit on his lip I have been trying to get him to do for the last
3 days. He thought I was cheating on him. We had a heart to
heart when I got home and he asked me point blank had I ever
cheated on him. Physically no... mentally that's a different
story. Fantasizing that I could be with someone else not so
long ago... thinking I could end it with him for good. "I think
sometimes that I love you more than you love me." But that part
that is so hurt, that part that keeps me from trusting anyone...
that part that keeps the sadness in my eyes because I have been
so hurt... I can't ever heal her because some wounds are too
deep. I think the only way that piece will heal is to have someone
come from my body. That I can make up for all the love and kisses
that I never got but always wanted. That that someone will have
a daddy I always dreamed about. That that someone will be more
beautiful than me and I think I can be the mother mine just
couldn't be. You have to remember I was only 8 when my mom was
first diagnosed with cancer.
Tuesday
October 30, 2001
I got
this e-mail today:
bad news with
lance... he was in a horrible car accident on Sat nite...wrapped
his car around a tree he is in critical care....his spinal cord
is not severed but it is bruised and mangled enough to where they
don't think he will regain feeling from his waist down..they think
he will be paralyzed -- his lung collapsed this morning--they
drilled the "halo" into his head to see if they could releive
pressure from his lower back and see if that helps with any type
of feeling...so far it has done nothing...
me and
becky went right up sunday morning right after we heard....
we are going back up tonight... anne--its awful --i have done
nothing but cry the past two days....i saw him and he doesn't
look really cut up or anything...he is really drugged up and
he won't open his eyes but he does know if someone is in the
room or if they are talking to him.... it doesn't look very
good....i'm praying soo hard for him.....
I just
cried and cried and cried. I'm still in a bad mood. Lance was
my brother's best friend and he was more of a brother to me
than my brother ever could be.
He
is so funny. He's such a redneck. He went to an all boys school
and he was just so fine. I had the biggest crush on him and
naturally whenever I had one of those and I told Anne the next
day he was hers. I have a picture of him doing sit-ups in my
ultra secret box where I keep all of my white-trash sister in
law's letters from high school.
When
I was really sick and in a lot of pain from a headache we would
all jump in his car, me and mom and sometimes Thomas and Anne,
and he would get us there in 9 minutes. It's normally a 40 minute
drive just regular speeding.
More
in a spell...
Wednesday
October 3, 2001
So
how many comedians start off their careers with lots of laughs,
freeze and then jump off stage? ME! ME! ME!
It's
all true. I am so scared of success that I could die.
It's
Halloween... I never thought I would ever htink this about one
of my friends... and it sounds even worse to feel this way but
I do wish Lance would...
He
can't take care of himself anymore. He's not married and his
mother has Multiple Sclorisis. Anne told me today his brain
was swelling. I am so sad I could die.
Lance...
I tried to get in touch with him when I was in Louisville the
last time but he was too busy. That's what makes me really sad.
Last time I was there we went to Cunninghams. It burnt to the
ground he told me when I called him from Dr. Arena's office
when I took Pop down there.
It's
just one of those things that proves to me stronger that you
never know what is going to happen. I'm still a little heart
broken. I mean what else is there to think?
Florent
is passed out on the bed. It's now 10:30. He fell asleep after
we made love. I held him down and tickled him. That wore him
out and when he was on top of me he lost his juice even though
I fed him tamales and chocolate.
Lisa
wanted to go out so I have on my corset and my bride's maids
dress/jr. prom dress. I look pretty scary with white makeup
on and this ugly black wig.
I told
Granny tonight that I was going to do stand up. I expected her
to tell me it was stupid or something. She said "You'd be good
at that! You are very likable." I didn't know what to say. I
never expected her to be very encouraging about chasing such
a far fetched dream.
So
most people dream about the laughs I got last night. I jumped
off the stage because... I'm going to succeed. I'm really, really
going to make it and I know it. That G rating bullshit is for
the birds though. I'm X-rated.
Well,
I'm going to go now. Pray for Lance... either way he's going
to need it.
