Friday October 3, 2003
He's old and ugly now. Much
like the Russians, I can't believe I was afraid of this man. But looking at his
photo has given me the jitters.
I go see the dermatologist today. My skin is aghast.
I called Roman today. He told me I was his doctor and that he hadn't changed his cell number the entire time I have known him so I could call him. I asked him when he was coming here. He finally has the Internet at home.
I have a picture... pinned to my wall... it's him in St. Petersburg and we
had such an awesome time. We had just come out of the dead baby museum and
were looking for a ride. Anne was about to arrive... the hell of being with
Anne that first time as she strode the streets of a foreign city for the first
time.
I've been thinking about all that stuff lately. I am so happy. I think I am going to go back home to Kentucky for the entire week of Thanksgiving. Hotel California is blaring next to me. Dad there freaks me the fuck out. I can't WAIT until my diary come out. FUCK HIM.
I am taping my FE video this weekend. I am very excited about that. I am going to see Balo this weekend too. I can't wait for that.
Oh shit I am so fucking tired. I got my book done on Wednesday and e-mailed it off on Thursday. Now I have to add Copyright to it. He He he...
Rolling rolling rolling... keep that baby rolling raw hide!
Saturday
October 4, 2003
I detest waking up early. 5 am today to catch the 7 am flight to LA but I did it and here I sit in the airport. This is the first time I have come through that they didn't search me.
God I have been going through so much lately. I can't talk enough about Pedro, the dude I car pool with. He is so awesome. He is Puerto Rican, working 2 jobs, has a great wife that works for Oracle. We pretty much always have something fun to talk about unless I am feeling nasuated after work or listless in the morning.
Sharing what I know with him has brought me great pleasure.
I am so bummed that I forgot all the information I was gathering in order to read on the plane about female ejaculation. The Ghens gland. I meet with Stew over the weekend. He is the brain researcher that when I told him I had a suspicion that I have an immune disease he asked me if I was on blockers to help prohibit further development. "Doctors will listen to me. They need us... bring me your scans..."
I am giddy with excitement. I must control myself because he is going to take charge of this stuff however after hearing Pedro's warning and reading about how Rosemary Clooney had to work till the day she died I think it's time to get an attorney and get some kind of control over what's about to happen.
I spilled Diet Vanilla Coke all over me this morning while I was on my way to the airport. My ass is all wet. I can't wait to sit in the Jacuzzi with Buzzy and Balo. I have to update and work on Buzzy's computer. They asked her to work all night yesterday and she told them no since I was coming to town. I can't wait to see her.
Part of me feels so bad about our relationship. She's probably the best friend I have ever had. She takes care of me like feeding me organic foods and shooting the shit and she just loves me. She loves me in ways that momma used to. She give me the love I so desperately need even if she delivers it in a cranky 'ol lady kind of way sometimes. I think that's what makes her more endearing because she's keeping it real.
I went on a date last night with a dude named Gio. I am starting by saying I am a little pissed because he almost missed the last train back to San Francisco because we were necking in my car. I finally was like "Let's go! I have to wake up early!"
After having a delightful meal speaking about undelightful subjects (marriages) I wanted to go Salsa dancing because it's been so long. He picked up the rag in Berkeley and discovered that Eddie Palmieri was playing at Yoshi's at Jack London Square. Tickets were $26.
He paid for dinner, two beers at the Jupiter Bar in Berkeley and the $6 for the ticket. It was quite an enchanting evening. He lives in San Francisco and invited me to his place "anytime".
I rested my body against his, a human chair in my most comfortable position. His longing caresses along the slit of my skirt that met half way up my thigh... the compliments of my outfit, the feel of his skin against mine... the kissing was not as perfect as he is one of those that uses the breadth of his tongue to encompass my mouth and lips.
I still couldn't help but think of Balo. He hasn't been working so I am going to see if he has any money on his credit card so I can buy my plane ticket home for Thanksgiving. I am going to spend 10 days there me thinks. I will catch up with all my friends and snicker over the new enemies.
Listening to Eddie hammer at the keyboard (sometimes ghastly) made me think about what I mean to so many people. It means so much to feel so loved at this o]point in my life. I wasn't getting that from my marriage. It's so strange to see how much people love me from simply being myself. It shows in my photography, it shows in the ways people treat me...
I saw the dermatologist yesterday. He is going to fry this blood vessel under my right eye so that it no longer looks gross and the red spot will disappear. It's about time to board the plane. I have Anias Nin to read... no I don't... I put it in my new suitcase that is now in transit below the plane.
It's going to be an awesome ride. I am dreaming of my lover's grasp, how he holds me in the night as if never to let me go. The one good thing in many people's lives... it's kind of a hard way to go. That means you can't let people be disappointed in you. I hope my grandmother doesn't hate me for what I am about to do. I figure as long as I do it alone then it's still just an educational video.
I got my crystal wand in the mail the other day. My god that fucking this is so awesome. I am going to market the hell out of them. I am going to start my own sex shop. Stew is going to take care of the programming of my site... I need a contract. It's almost time to board. I am dreaming of Balo.
* * *
I think my favorite part of the ride is on take off, when your heart stops like when a lover enters your body. Those feelings you have inside that make your tummy turn and you heart leap, like going over a whee hill.
We dance through the clouds. They wrap around the plane and entwine themselves like lace through the sky. I start to feel the deep pain of self pity, my scar in my nose hops, my spine burns and my shoulders burn. My arachnoid membrane tears and I feel it tearing on a cellular level.
The pity of realizing a baby in utro was discovered to have an arachnoid cyst and the mother told simply to have her. One of the newest stories on arachnoidcyst.org. My heart breaks. I cry the morning I get the letter.
My eyes tear up and I start to pity who I will become, not enjoying the now of who I am. Always keeping in the deep recesses of my mind I will one day be paralyzed. Feeling that sensation the other night when all my limbs melt into the bed and I have no method of communicating with them. Knowing the agony will one day beech me, killing my heart and my desire for feeling cock deep inside me. Unhappy about the prospect of knowing that my body will not behave.
All of a sudden a glimmer pops into my vision, the vision that is fading on the outside. I see blurry in different ways. I am also being robbed of my vision. Realizing I will never clime Mt. Everest but knowing that the reason I registered to vote for this election was to put Arnold in power. Now only if Clint were president.
The cabin pressure tears away at me now. It's almost unbearable but I know I have many trips to be taking in the future. I can't let it stoop me.
The glimmer comes from my ring. A prism gleaming a rainbow... looking down into the earth and seeing the gleams of rivers twinkling much like my ring. Loving the visions I see, the life I am leading and grateful for the cock I am about to receive.
Tuesday October 7, 2003
"He looks like a killer." My Thelma, who calls me Louise, told me today when I sent her a photo of my honey.
Florent called while we were at the store and then Balo came up behind me and started speaking to me in Russian. Florent told me he was too busy to see me so I extended him the same courtesy by not answering his calls and getting rather angry when he called me last night on the home phone late last night. Then Zorba called even later and I wanted to bitch slap him.
"Dude, I have to wake up at 4."
Balo woke me up too. "Katya, Stavi..." I laid in his lap as he drove me to the airport like I did so many times this weekend. I was thinking that he wasn't watching me but I spied him glimpsing down at me which made my heart flutter.
"Kat, sto dymaesh?" Kat, what are you thinking? was one of his favorite phrases.
"You need to learn English." was probably my favorite answer.
He razzed me about my belly and I looked at him and was like "You are one to talk."
"I know... I know... I quit working and it just keeps getting bigger. I eat and eat and eat..." And boy has he gotten a gut on him. I don't know how not working can lead to such a big belly but he's eating all the time now I suppose.
All the ri-bia-te (kids) came out to see me on Saturday. Thank GOD there is finally another woman around. I couldn't stand being the only one and listening to this... whatever he is to me right now... dumb or jack ass, take your pick, he would bark at Ira and ask her to get this and that and the other which made me glad I don't totally understand his bullshit because he tried to get me to do that shit last time we were together with his friends and I was like "Do you like doing it? ME NEITHER!"
But when we are alone he serves me. I didn't even notice it until he asked me to get something for him and I was like "What?"
Then he was like "I did it for you yesterday."
He's so romantic. We were sitting around the fire after eating and discussing the plans we had for the evening and at the end he was like "and then we go home to fuck" and I made him repeat himself up until he said "ebat" and was like "I understood you..." I just didn't like how your phrased it. It was an awesome night as well. Those moments you have where it seems like time stops.
We were sitting outside in Santa Monica... the ocean is on the other side and we were next to the bar-b-que pit. It was keeping us warm. I told Ira how impossible it was to communicate with Balo sometimes and by the end of the night she was laughing at him and some of the things I would say.
We are such a funny couple because he will start to talk about something and then I will present it back to him the way he is presenting it to everyone and that in turn makes him look like a dork sometimes. Everyone will start laughing at how we interact.
I can't tell you why he fascinates me so. I kept trying to figure out why of all the men I have been dating lately why he just makes my heart leap. He doesn't have a dime, he barely has a car but at least he has one, he's not working now, he drinks way too much and smokes all the time. All the bells and whistles should be going off telling me that he's just a jerk and I don't need his shit in my life but he makes me feel... he makes me feel very deep feelings that I haven't had for quite some time.
At least this time he was able to leave me with a huge smile on my face because he fucked the living shit out of me last night and I can finally say I was satisfied. I guess that's why I am so happy. He doesn't speak any English, he works my body like no other... hmm.... noticing the bruise on my right tit as I put my bra on I thought to chastise him just a bit for being too rough but I didn't feel it and I couldn't tell him no because it felt so good at the time. When he got on his knees and started to pump he pushed my hand away from my clit and started working it like a stringed instrument. It took no time for me to start gushing a lot.
I wish I weren't obsessed with him. It makes it a lot easier being all the way up here so that I could get a more objective overview however now that I am back up here I miss him more. I was trying to figure out why I like this one so much.
When we hang out with his friends, they give me all a certain amount of respect for being his zhena. That's what he calls me, his woman. They are all kind to me and make me feel pretty. Ira and I look similar only she's about 60 pounds lighter than me and about 15 years older. We were both wearing black eye liner and mascara with our blonde hair cut similarly.
At one time he mentioned that he had manners and I said "When you want to."
Buzzy and I were talking about how sexy accents were and I asked him if he thought my accent was sexy and he told me "It's so sexy." I would like to think he would say "Your accent oozes sex" but then again I am reading into it way too much.
I have to get out of here. It's late and I am exhausted from celebrating simply being alive.
Wednesday October 8, 2003
The garage is empty and the view magnificient. I walk up to the makeshift electronic voting booth and caste my vote, like millions of others, for Arnold. I voted Republican in my first California election. I am a Californian now. I can say that now.
The lady at the booth asked Erin is she was Samantha. She recognized her because they have been in San Leandro forever. I fucking love my life with the girls. It makes me so happy to come home and get baby love, teen love and momma love. I feel like I am starting to get on my feet more solidily. I find that being with the babes makes me more... babalicious.
Tonight is my night to make dinner. I wanted to make lasagna but that has been escaping. I might just pick up something from the doctor's office however I am low on bucks.
I just keep trying to articulate why I feel so good when I am with him. We have a great time together but I don't want to spend too much time with him because I think he would drive me nuts. I can't stand the not speaking English thing and he has been here over a year.
I see how we both have different approachs to life even through we are both such Geminis. I am certainly more structured and getting my shit together where as he complained about how he didn't have enough time to do much of anything because of work but now that he's not working he's not making the best use of his time.
He told me how one of his friends is going to be a general in the Russian Army. I asked, "Why aren't you still in the Army?"
"I want a quiet life."
"YOU?????" I raise the eyebrow for this one and chuckle out "want a quiet life?" The party boy. The Terminator of my pussy. He played Backgammon and cards the other night while I passed out behind him. Too much brandy mixed with Viocdan and a nice neurontin chaser. Not to mention the new tears in my arachnoid membrane from flying.
Thursday October 9, 2003
I feel like I am floating on top of the calm ocean that is ready to swarm in a tornado underneath and above me. Open eyes, warm water, soothing feelings.
I'm talking to Stew now about the tests I need to take. Check my immune system. Then we talk about doing the porn site. catherineparadise.com is pointing to his servers already. He wants total control. Starting off he wants 20% and then further on he wants 50% and I told him if things start working and there is brain tumor research happening then yes I don't mind but I am feeling a little... strange. I need someone to take on the burden of setting this shit up. I should talk with Tyler first.
Friday October 10, 2003
"Do you know what I love saying that no one else understands?"
"What?"
"That I'm thinking of your big fat cock."
"Vot takya kief" That is such a kief (high).
"Are you in Love?" Buzzy asks me.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" I'm not giving up my life. Hell no. I can't stand to have anyone to tell me what to do.
I had this amazing dream about becoming a super star last night. I woke up so fucking happy.
I've known this man for four months now. I don't know what compels me towrds him over other men only that when he wants to be good, he is very very good and when he's bad I just ignore him.
"I miss you." Lacing my hand over this bad eagle tatoo over his heart from getting three bulletts in his body. The fact that he got to kill people for a living drives me nuts.
Last night I was pissed though. The call around midnight. The scolding for him not being sensitive to my comprenhension of Russian and telling his friends we were going home to fuck did not make me happy. "I have a heart too." I'm just sorry my father broke it before you could.
Now you need to say you are, "sorry, Katya."
"Sorry Katuha... I'm sorry Catherine."
One of the clients at work is begging me to come see him in LA. I want to date Giovanni for a bit and see what's there but maybe Buzzy's right and I have given my heart to the romantic notion that Balo just might be the one guy I could get along with although I think he would drive me nuts.
" Sto ti hochecsh?" What do you want?
"I want everything." He whispers back.
His hand falls over mine caressing his heart keeping my hand warm. I rub my cheek on his shoulder. I love this part of being intimate with someone that can be soft or hard with you. That intoxication from sensing one another's sensuality from the smell of their skin. He doesn't let that "I've just been fucked" smell cling to his body where as I passed out the other night after having my orgasm.
I love to watch him. He makes me laugh. I love to watch him watch me.
"I want everything." Rings through my head on the drive to Irvine. I slipped off my seat belt and layed down in his lap. I undid his belt and pulled out his soft stiffining cock and put it to my lips. "Katya... stop. People can see."
"I don't care." I reply but slowly understanding the pleasure was too great.
I just saw an interview with Ali. Too bad I am fucked up but I think it would be cool if I could box her. Clay vs. Clay. I would run like a fcuking chicken. I'm sorry but I am already crippled! I would scream.
I am so fucking tired. And I just ate 2 fucking pieces of chocolate cake. I think I should vomit. Off to another great weekend of indulgence. During the week I eat special K however I think I should be eating ceral all the time. I don't know why it's more forteified than other cerals.
DAwn, her husband has an AC, called me tonight. They reshaped her aunties boobies from her belly. Boy I would love to start from the top of my neck and slice all of the fat off my body to get it off my spine. IT's finally getting cold here and I am already waking up wishing I was dead. I'll go for a week at a time and not smoke any pot and by the end of the week my stomach hurts so much from always being upset drives me crazy. It's the stupid little things I hate not controling.
I gave Roman my diary to translate. I figure he can do the best job of anyone.
Kung Faux is so funny.
Tuesday October 14, 2003
Tomorrow is pay day.
I did absolutely diddly squat over the weekend. Nothing. I think it's time to get my materials together to try and get someone to publish the third volume of DDD.
I am so God Damn horny I can't think straight. I keep calling Balo up and tell him how I want to fuck him and to listen to him reply kills me. It goes something along the lines "I'm fucked too, God Dammit. But you are there and I am here what do you want me to fucking do? You are going to be here on Saturday and then I will fuck your brains out."
No it sounds nothing like that. It's much funnier because of the emphsis he uses on the words Blat and Huenova instead of fucking and god dammit. IT makes my heart flutter and gives me a huge boner.
Britt did not help this at all. She IMed me about how her and Harley are hitting it and told me something I never tried, he kissed her back while he was in her from behind and that just made me wet thinking about Balo fucking me like that. Toes in the mouth. I feel like I am transparent, a walking talking cunt that inhales and exhales leaving a slimy trail behind me.
Wednesday October 15, 2003
My eyes flutter to bring me into this hell again. "FUCK I WISH I WERE DEAD" I want to curse god, my mother and the whole fucking world for waking up feeling my spine rotting from its core. I don't want to move, breathe or come to work, however I know it's only temporary and soon I will be on disability. The agony, however, will continue. If I wasn't here at work I would be losing my mind doing other things.
This is how I wake up every morning, wishing I was dead. The pain is exquisite and I feel as though it's a sick perversion of God "himself" torturing me in such a manner.
The HR department received my fax yesterday about accomidating my needs however today there has been nothing done about it. So I called and talked to Rey and now he is going to talk to his boss and then talk to Cody about making accomidations for me.
I get my walker tomorrow.
They are going to order me a chair here at work so that there is no pressure on my neck or head. Another sale. That's 2 this week. :-D
Friday October 17, 2003
It's been a shitty couple of days. I was repremended for saying "they were fucking things up so you bought the company back" to the CEO of Mercantec. Chris, the freak that called Yendis and Pedro Amos and Andy. Like that wasn't offensive. And Chriss Mann calling me Bevis, that wasn't offensive.
I had to write this letter which Kelly perfected.
Friday, October 17, 2003
To:Verio Management
From:C. Clay
RE: Notification of disciplinary action and possible termination
Due to the nature of the letter I was given to sign, I cannot sign this document at this time. I will send a written apology to the CEO of Mercantec, as it is felt that I have
represented Verio in an unprofessional light.
The timing of this formal action against me, and the revelation of my disability, including the initial appearance of my walker, is just a bit too coincidental. I feel that signing this document, may influence my ability to maintain my employability as a disabled individual in the future.
I am quite certain that your company has a reasonable understanding of my rights as a disabled adult. Federal, state and local EEO laws are very clear, and the clarity of the notice I received implies the HR department has a clear understanding of legalities; including prohibiting companies from discriminating against their employees based on disability and other unchangeable characteristics. If I am in error in that belief I am sure that department can find assistance and resources on the matter from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC).
A fax from my physician, regarding my disability was sent to Rey Valle, Tuesday October 14th. The incident for which you wish to reprimand me for occurred on Wednesday the 15th. Additionally, I informed Chris Mann of my condition several weeks ago after a Friday meeting in which Kevin Knutson went over the absence policy requiring doctor.s note. I confided in Chris regarding my brain tumor, and the possibility that I may miss time from work because of the various complications. I was not counseled by Chris at that time, in regards to the matter. I was not informed as to how it should be addressed with the company, what procedures to follow, or informed of policies regarding permanent disabling conditions. I was not asked to further explain, define, report or instruct anyone in regards to the effect of my disability on my behavior, health, or emotional state.
I requested to be put on Frank Knox's team; because his approach to training is more conducive to my learning disorder. It appears as if there is more of a team spirit in this group and that they are supportive of one another. A discussion took place between Frank and Cody and I was told it could not be changed. Now that I have adapted to my teammates and Chris.s style of management I am happy where I am.
I do understand the company.s logical concerns regarding customer relationships. However, I believe that my sales record shows that I am capable of managing my behavior appropriately over all. Additionally, I would like to point out there is an obvious discrepancy in applying .disciplinary actions. for vulgar and offensive language.
I hear vulgar language and swearing on the floor regularly. In actuality, the comment that caused the current issue was a direct quote. Furthermore, with potential customers have websites called .blowjobchannel.com. .fistfuloftits.com. and so forth, use of questionable language is a condition of employment. I do need to clarify here, that I believe I am well suited to these customers, as I do not have to .watch my language. so closely and my sense of humor is appreciated.
Additionally, offensive comments and/or language are common from supervisors. Chris referred to me as .Bevis. during a conference, and August 29, my co-workers were referred to as .Amos and Andy. because they returned from a break too late, by yet another person. That comment is not only offensive but also racist. My point is not to lay blame elsewhere but to insist that if I am to be reprimanded for my behavior in this manner, that all other employees, supervisors and administrators receive equal treatment and disciplinary actions.
If it is necessary to reveal the full extent of my disability and the effects it has on me, I will be happy to do so. Briefly, symptoms of an arachnid cyst are related to the cyst size and location. My cyst is large and located just below my sinus. Symptoms include; headaches, increased intracranial pressure, hemi-paresis (weakness or paralysis on one side of the body) and ataxia (lack of muscle control. There is a possibility of permanent severe neurological damage due to the progressive expansion of the cyst(s) or hemorrhage (bleeding). Behavior issues are common as they are with any head injury. I have had three surgeries related to my cyst, and there are secondary complications related to those surgeries as well, such as; minimal brain damage which causes: (1) poor judgment; (2) irritability; (3) poor impulse control; (4) lack of insight; (5) inability to learn from experience
If the company wishes to research it on their own information can be found at http://www.ninds.nih.gov/health_and_medical/disorders/aracysts_doc.htm
At this time, in light of the conditions of my disability, I wish to be excused from all large sales meetings due to the nature of my illness. I would prefer to receive an e-mail or one on one update, regarding any changes that need to occur Smaller Team meetings are fine, as the stress level, auditory and sensory input are not as great.
Further disciplinary meetings need to be scheduled when I am mentally and emotionally prepared for what is to happen. I cannot attend impromptu meetings when I am already in a heightened emotional state, as I am unable to control my responses during that time.
It is also necessary to have realistic expectations of my ability to control events, such as when my physician sends a report, faxes a letter, or makes a phone call. I do not have control of my physician.s schedule.
Finally, I would like to state that it was Verio, who recruited me, and not me seeking employment with this company. As it would be illogical to recruit unqualified people to work for you, it is reasonable to conclude that you were aware of my abilities and expertise. You believed that I would be an asset to this company, and I believe you were correct in that assumption. The challenge of my disability is unusual for the staff here, but it is not new to me. I am sure that with cooperation and understanding of paradigms, it is possible to have a good working relationship that will benefit all concerned parties.
Thank you for your consideration of this information,
Catherine E. Clay
It was not a good week. I am very glad it's over. Kelly said they were scared that I am going to try and file a lawsuit againsst them.
Everyone FREAKED OUT when they saw me walking with a walker. Love having a silent disability. No one was supportive. It's amazing to watch people's faces change too like "Oh, poor crip."
But I noticed a big difference in my feelings today. I felt much stonger for using it. I didn't realize how much I needed one of those things.
Monday October 19, 2003
It's been one of those days where you don't get enough dick even when you wake up at 4 in the morning sucking on your lover's cock to make him wake up.
Then coming to work and listening to the desperate messages from Sue on the phone I didn't check all day. Finding out Kim had an accident, someone ran into her and there were no skid marks. Tears, tears and more tears. Not Kim... not in a coma. We were just talking about her last week. She was flying around the wrold loving her job...
Not Kim... Not in a coma... not brain damaged. They need to cut holes in her skull to let the pressure off her brain.
Cassie woke up. Cassie woke up the next day when I put my hands on her but I am not in Kentucky. I won't be for another 6 weeks.
Tuesday October 19, 2003
They came to see me at work today. They want my car back now. They told me if I didn't give it up they would come back with the Sheriff and arrest me.
Thursday October 23, 2003
Sigh. So USAA is willing to work with me and I have to pay $500. I took an ad out on Craigslist and asked for a Repo man to give me half if they popped my car and so I might just part it out and then tell them to come get it. Then I can get a new car.
I had a client today that called me and they do brain research. I don't know what the odds are that a client assigned to me also has an Arachnoid Cyst but the odds are so high that I would need an actuary to tell me how that happened.
The fucking quack with brain cancer at Stanford told my doctor that I have borderline personality disorder.
Monday October 27, 2003
This weekend was a bust. I have absolutely 0 sexual attration for other men right now which is really a buzz kill. I went to Bay Medows the other night and saw the races at night. I have never seen a horse race at night so it was very interesting to say the least. The dude I went with was 46 and what can I say? I just went for the free food, schwaggy weed and to get out of the house.
Saturday night royally sucked. I was supposed to meet Giovanni at the BART station at 7. He told me when he would call me and he didn't show up until 8. When he called me I finished my ironing for the next week. We went to the store and I had to pay half the bill which also pissed me off but it was like $60 by the time we got through. We forgot to buy condoms.
I kept thinking I should show up to BART and just give him back his keys and say BYE-BYE because he was so fucking late. It made me disjointed but hey, at least he gave good head except when he asked me if I peed. Then he said "I love your pussy" because I had so many orgasms.
I am so not in the mood to work. I hate this place. They are giving us businesses that have just signed up for their business and the leads really suck.
I updated http://arachnoidcyst.org over the weekend. It's so weird to remember what it was like to take a lot of time to admin these websites and now it's just a couple of hours from my day.
* * *
I have spilled Port all over my silk jammies I bought when I had brain surgery. I was trying to go to sleep and couldn't so I am watching the Fifth Element and I live Mila. I even bought her first album.
Now I am just freaking out.
I talked with Nate again today and last night. We are so much alike we even drive the same vehicle. Or at least we will for a few more days until they repo my car.
I am not too happy about that. I'm very apprehensive.
This is the letter I sent.
- a chair that provides head & neck support; you stated that one of the
chairs from the Chardonnay Conference room would suffice and we provided one
to you.
No Rey, I did not say this chair would suffice. I said it will be better
than the one that I was using but this one does not support my head and neck
taking the pressure off my spine. I said this one would work until the
chair that has head and neck support was ordered. A more specific order will
come from Dr. Kaljot will be coming since they do not have the chair
offering head and neck support taking the pressure off my spine.
The cube next to the window is great. I am comfortable here.
The cube next to the window is great. I am comfortable here.
I am at my cube now.
Catherine -
To be clear, the accomodations that you have requested are:
- a chair that provides head & neck support; you stated that one of the
chairs from the Chardonnay Conference room would suffice and we provided
one to you.
- an office heater; you stated that moving your cubicle next to one of
the windows would suffice since there was better heat circulation next to the
windows - we moved your cubicle next to a window.
- your preference to be removed from large group meetings & instead be
updated via email or one-on-one sessions; I spoke with your Supervisor
regarding this request and confirmed that they would not be a problem.
To my knowledge, this is the first time that I am being made aware of your
request regarding your headset (& glad that it has been met) and an
ergonomic keyboard. In addition, when you raised the matter of easier
access through doors, you only stated that the badge-access doors were a
concern for you, not the bathroom doors (which are not badge-access). My
understanding is that the doorjambs that were being used for the bathroom
were being removed by the after-hours cleaning crew. I believe they will
not remove them in the future.
The letter that you mention below that Dr Kaljot provided us only references
the accomodations that we've already met: the chair and the office heater.
As stated, we have not received anything more from your physician and can
only address the accomodation requests provided to date. I will be by your
cubicle in exactly one hour so I can drop off an Authorization to Release
Medical Information form that you can provide to Dr Kaljot.
Thanks
Rey
Rey,
I spoke with Elaine today and Dr. Kaljot is not in the office today. As
stated before I have no control over the precision you require from Dr.
Kaljot because of the rarity of the situation and my disease. Since my
disease is so rare it is hard to make the assessments of what my
accommodations will be. The clear accommodations that I have requested
are to have a chair that relieves the stress from my spine so that I can
perform my job functions, a head set that does not go over my head (which has
been met), and an ergonomic keyboard (which if there is one with a softer touch
I would appreciate having that one so it is easier on my nerves). The door
stoppers have been missing from the bathroom since last week and I do not
leave the floor to use the rest room until afternoon because I have problems
with access. Even though I have been told that I am not in a wheelchair I
have problems with Upper body strength so opening the doors is not an easy
feat and in order to maintain my independence I can not ask other people
to stop what they are doing to let me in and out of the sales floor.
Here is the definition of what my disease is off the National Institute of
Neurological Disorders and Stroke web site (
http://www.ninds.nih.gov/health_and_medical/disorders/aracysts_doc.htm) .
There are very few specialists concerning this disease and I am in the
process of locating one here in the local area. Dr. Kaljot is doing the
best he can to learn more about my disease.
Dr. Kaljot requires from you PERCISLY what you require. Dr. Kaljot
already provided you a letter and further information needs to be directed
to the doctor from you directly as told to me from his office.
I will sign a release for you to speak with the doctor concerning my
condition however I am letting you know that I am searching for a doctor
that is used to treating my condition which is not an easy feat since only
1% of all intracranial masses a year are diagnosed as Arachnoid Cysts and
the only known fact is that paralysis is the final outcome.
I have been dealing with the problems of my disease for the last 14 years
and been pro-active in my treatment since there is no research or funding
and I appear to be one of the few people that is taking a stance to get
something done for all of us suffering from this disease. I am sure once
the accommodations of my illness have been met that I will be able to
perform my job duties well above what is expected of me but at this time I
am suffering a tremendous amount because I do not have those
accommodations.
Catherine E. Clay
I wish things could be easier and that my doctor didn't think I was a nut.
Tuesday October 28, 2003
David Masters is my client that also has an Arachnoid Cyst. I pray to GOD that something can be done. I know there are no such things as coincodiences and that things are always meant to be but I am tired and I want to rest.
I am so fucking tired.
I am so fucking tired.
Wednesday October 29, 2003
I have had two periods this month. And my levels are normal. Happy Happy Joy Joy. I hurt so much right now that I just wish...
I forgot. I talked to Samantha last night. She has the same problem with guys. "You're amazing, you're terrific, I can't follow through." Why is it guys are so scared?
Did I talk about the horrible date I can't get out of my mind? I wish I had an automatic toilet that I could flush out information that I don't need anymore.
I went and saw an apartment today. It is $350 a month and it's a mile away from work. It will be nice to have a room to myself. I felt like Goldilocks this weekend sleeping in everyone's bed and not having privacy is starting to wear on me. I am sure everyone is irritated with me as well because I am not perfect even though I try to respect everyone in the house.
Thursday October 30, 2003
I wonder how many Meth labs have gone up in the last week. I talked with Buzzy and didn't realize how horrid the Santa Ana winds had carried the wild fires. They are all the way in Las Vegas.
I didn't get the room.
Pedro sent me this:
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off. Otherwise they were all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands...
SEND THIS STORY TO AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN, SO THAT SHE HAS SOMETHING else TO SMILE ABOUT TODAY
I got this letter from Warren yesterday:
Dear Catherine,
Thank you for your telephone call and your e.
You spoke of premonitions, well the day of our
tel-con, I was feeling an erratic heart rate.
From that following Sat through today, I have been
in/out of the hospital. There was no heart attack,
but it came close. About two years ago, I did gain
sixty pounds, due to meds administered to fight a bout
I had with Poison Oak. The weight and cholesterol is
a factor though I am reducing. From a gain of sixty
pounds, one half is gone. That the docs liked. They
checked the heart thoroughly. It is ok. The angina
isn't in the heart muscle, so it is in
communication/direction from that other organ, the
brain. Finally they are going to study the symptoms
of my heart as related to, and caused by, the lesion
on my brain As they told me this all I could think
of was the eleven years I have been trying to get a
shunt and your call that Friday. You had
fenestration, but mine is so big (about the size of a
peach---I call it "the lake.") a shunt is truly the
answer.
Catherine, I will try to keep you apprised of this
eleven year saga. Not until your call, has there been
any movement. I just hope the hmo will follow
through.
Be advised I write infrequently via e as I have no
computer of my own. I am most grateful for your site.
It has been immensely helpful and re-assuring.
I wanted to get together with you before Turkey day,
but this recent bout will undermine that. The good
news is, your call seemed to commence the effort (at
long last) promoting surgery for the "lake."
Presently I need to take it easy and stay near my
hospital. However, I truly look forward to meeting
you one day.
Most sincerely,
Warren
So great... if left alone these things can cause heart attacks.
I'm looking out my cube here at work. The sun is setting and there is a mountain behind me. It's so gorgeous. The ride home is breath taking. The "money" shot is when we get over the hills and all of a sudden you see the city lit up and the Golden Gate bridge. Sometimes there are clouds shrouding the bridge, sometimes it's clear.
It's starting to get cold. I am very worried.
Thursday October 31, 2003
There was snow on the ground on the way to work.
"She who gives compassion has been showed compassion in her life." This is from one of my clients here. I needed some of his words today.
