Tuesday
December 3, 2002
I laced
up the roller skates because I was too lazy to run up the steps
to get my shoes. I wanted a cigarette since I am not smoking
pot so much any longer. I rolled to the store just a block away
after wolfing down 5 Vicodan It felt good, like I had control
over my body more.
I stumbled
onto Pacific and Venice Blvd.
I went
in and the guy was like "NO!"
"I
just want a pack of cigarettes!"
"What
kind?"
"American
Spirit Extra Lights."
I was
nervous and upset because we went to Fry's. "Can I have
a discount on a printer because I have a brain tumor?"
Mike the
manager started laughing at me. I was horribly offended.
I went
to the service center to complain. "I want him fired or
I want a discount on a printer!"
He came
up to apologize and I kept asking for a discount. Then I
started
crying and screaming. Some bitch came out and was like "No,
we can't do anything for you."
"I
hate the way you treat sick people . Do you want my business
as long as I live?"
It ended
up with the bitch asking me to leave the store. I screamed "FUCK
YOU and I BET YOUR EMPLOYEES WOULD LOVE TO SAY THAT TO YOU!" I
left crying. A wailing cry. I have never been so humiliated
in my life. The store got silent.
Florent
drove me home. He kissed me tenderly. Worked the knots out of
his hair. I smoked a cig, got my diary ready to print. He came
down, fresh from his shower, my leg was aching from the skating.
Electrocution through all that medication. We were on the lounge.
Extreme Dating was on. We moved together. It was the hottest
sex we have had in a long time.
I hate
being like this. I hate what my life has become. It sure doesn't
help going back through my diary and reading how I used to be.
Now I am all washed up. Tanya even said that.
Why is
it so fucking hard to get ANYONE to UNDERSTAND what I go through
on a daily basis?
Do I have
the radiation or just another typical brain surgery?
I am so
scared.
Flowers
for Algernon with the idiot turning into a genius and then becoming
retarded again. I saw that play when I was in elementary school.
It made me cry. I know what it feels like.
Rita and
I went to Mass on Sunday. I kept praying to God to take me with
him. I can't take much more of this. My body is painfully dying
and no one seems to give a fuck. Doctors. Nurses. People ask
me what they can do but none of them participate in trying to
see that I get better.
I feel
like everyone keeps shoveling their shit on my shoulders.
I hate
waking up in the morning. Another chick with an AC wrote to
me the other day. Her cyst is in the same location as mine.
She told me that her family doesn't understand. I know how she
feels. She lives where it's cold. No wonder she can't do anything.
It's fucking up her hypothalamus.
Tuesday
December 3, 2002
Tanya
wigged on me a couple of days ago. I do not appreciate it.
Joe
told Sveta something I told him in confidence and now I don't
want to have anything to do with any of them. My perceptions
are altered because I am on so many fucking drugs now and instead
of people being loving and supportive I am being told hateful
things that leave me feeling even more weak than when I started.
I
put in my two weeks notice yesterday. They don't want to give
me a raise and I can't pay my bills on the salary I am given.
$10 an hour aint Shit.
I
might even just stay in Kentucky. I am so tired that I can't
think straight. I can't function like a "normal" person
and I started having hallucinations the other day. I can't stand
the emotional torture I am being put through. I should have
known better than to trust Joe. He has tried to IM me all day
but I have blocked him but one did get through here and it said
"love love love". It kind of made me feel better.
I
wrote Tanya a scathing letter because I can not deal with her
bullshit now. It's been 2 years since her brother committed
suicide and I wrote to her that I wanted to blow my fucking
brains out too and it was no wonder he did it because she doesn't
have any compassion.
I
started thinking about all the shit I have had to put up with.
I got her an amethyst star of David in Taiwan and have given
her all kinds of goodies through the years. I moved to San Francisco
to be closer to her and then she left for Boston.
I
don't want to think about it. I think I am too unstable now.
Saturday
December 7, 2002
So
Catherine is "pure" and Elizabeth is "Consecrated
to God" and Clay means "moral". I am surprised
in all this time I have never known these tidbits of trivia.
I
am under WAY too much stress now. I can't deal with any of
my "friends" aka Tanya & Joe. I should have
known better than to trust him. Nobody and I mean nobody
knows what
it's like for me unless they know me on an intimate basis.
You can say all kinds of things and think I should follow
some path
but unless you see me suffering or unless YOU suffer with one
of these you have no idea how much I suffer on a daily basis.
Lately
I have been having hallucinations. I hallucinated a lot yesterday.
I was lying on the couch.. the comfortable leather couch when
I could feel my breath the heaving of my chest and the melting
of reality into going to heaven.
"I
may not be the best person but at least I have photographed
beautiful things." I told Buzzy last night when I went
by to tell her that I am seeing the doctor I need to see on
Monday. Monday the appointment with the pituitary neurosurgeon.
"The supersella cyst is not characteristic of an Arachnoid
Cyst" I read in the report. "Findings conclude that
it could be an epidermoid cyst" Which means the cells inside
are either dead from the last time they went in or something
because they do not resemble Cerebral Spinal Fluid. "The
cyst is pushing on the pituitary stalk." Missed and strange
periods. Hormonal shifts from hell. All those times I thought
I could be pregnant knowing at the time there was no way. I
don't think I will ever have the chance to be a mother. I don't
think I could ever carry a baby.
The
hallucination starts and I am breathing deeply. I feel warmth
and my mother just there, staring at me from heaven. I want
so desperately to jump over there and feel the warmth. I could
so easily come away from my body.. Rita is on the phone which
keeps me grounded to reality. I jump up from the couch, Florent
is sleeping. I help Rita with her e-mail and start coloring
my hair Golden brown, a more natural color.
*
* *
We
went and tried to volunteer at the Rose Bowl to help with the
floats. It was too late but we got to peek at some of the floats.
There was one with a big cat that was pretty.
We
then went to Fry's. Florent almost got us going into the San
Fernando valley instead of going to Burbank. So now I am wireless
in my make-shift bed on the floor at Rita's overlooking the
pool and Jacuzzi. I kind of like the three of us hanging out.
The
other day when we went to the neurosurgeon Rita made me take
his number down and call him right then and there so I could
see him ASAP. That appt is for 10 am on Monday. I just did a
Google search and found this
page. Gag vomit puke.
I
guess this Dr. Kelly guy is a decent man. I am excited now.
He slices and dices on pituitary tumors all the time.
Sunday
December 8, 2002
The
sun will come out, tomorrow... I remember singing that when
I was in 4th or 5th grade. Standing in an auditorium in Goshen,
Kentucky. When we were at mass today at St. Monica's I thought
about that. Getting up in front of all those people and not
flinching.
Patty,
the woman that broke up my parent's marriage got me a gift for
not coming. It was a teddy bear belt and shoe strings. I loved
her even though I wasn't supposed to. She was the only one of
my dad's girlfriends that liked me. All the rest were hateful
bitches.
I
don't know what being there made me think about this... but
I have decided once I come out of the surgery I am going to
shoot for the stars. I am not going to concern myself with my
friends as much as I have been because some of them just don't
give a shit.
I
need to live my life for myself and all my friends that love
and care about me... well they will be there to hold my hand.
I
go to see Dr. Kelly tomorrow. I am so excited. Hopefully he
will cut all this shit out of my body. Or at least take care
of me to give me another hopeful 12 years. I decided that I
am not going to inject my brain with radioactive material unless
I absolutely have to. That's another great way to go blind and
I am still not done seeing yet.
So
my plan is to get better and start doing the stand-up thing
again. Zorba won an amp the other day for a show he did. I am
so proud of him. I just wish he weren't so... pushy.
I
slept all fucking day when we got back. I wasn't feeling
well
and I know Rita wanted to play but I just didn't have the energy
to move. I am trying to think of what I might say..."I
was interviewed by the BBC for Fem Ejac... it appears as
if
the English are too stuffy to know how to do it."
It's
time for bed. I have to go to the welfare office tomorrow. I
missed my docs appt for them. Shit happens and life goes on.
Tick Tock.
Monday
December 9, 2002
Dr.
Kelly was pretty cool. Dr. Al Sayed was too. Florent called
Dr. Sayed a Kabyle
because of his hazel eyes. They were all very serious with me
today. Dr. Kelly wanted to watch and see what happened and I
told him no that I was ready for surgery. I had been waiting
long enough.
Dr.
Kelly said that he would do more blood tests and that the cyst
was rather large and that they would fenstrated it and then
take fat from my belly and do a fat graph. Another one of my
friends who will be going through the same thing soon told me
that fat does not erode or wash away in the cebreal spinal fluid.
He also told me something I did not want to hear and that is
that my problems were not caused by my cyst. I still do not
believe him. He does not have the research to back that up.
So
now I suppose I will consider this option as the radiation seeds
scare me.
Jen
and Chris are back together and that has made me very happy. "She
still hasn't come around but when I realized that someoene
else was messing with MY woman it pissed me off too
much."
"I
was watching the video with me and Florent and it cracks
me
up way too much... I think it was Superfuckers..."
"18
" I chimed in. I am so happy. That is some of the best
news I have heard all week. We had to wake up EXTRA early to
get to the welfare office and I missed my doctor's appointment
so he almost denied me but I told him I was have brain damage.
It's amazing how many people are moving around at 6 am.
I
had to miss my appointment with Social Security. I still hear
Tanya berating me in the back of my head about missing my hearing.
Like I need her shit in my life. I haven't seen Josh on lately.
I guess he hates me too. Shit happens and life goes on.
We
went and ate at this Japenes place tonight and the food was
divine. I don't know what I ordered but it was tasty with huge
noodles. My favorite, soup.
I
don't know how to feel about everything. Curt going through
it through makes it easier. There is a cyst in his middle cranial
fossa too that has grown. I told him it could be an a arachnoid
cyst just like in my report it says it could be an epidermoid
cyst.
So
the main reason Dr. Kelly is willing to do the surgery is not
because of the symptoms I am having but because of the size
of the cyst and what it's doing to my pitutary gland. Started
bleeding today. I think it's been six weeks since my last period.
I don't think it's because of stress.
I
couldn't bear to read the shit Joe had written to me the other
day.
Thursday
December 12, 2002
I
fucking hate the INS. Something happened. Either Tanya threw
his letter away, the mailman didn't deliver it or the INS lied
and never sent it. I fucking hate this bullshit.
Now
we have to go to San Francisco tonight. I fucking hate those
bastards.
I
woke up this morning and Florent had made steak. It was perfect.
I was so hungry and needed the iron because I am bleeding. Not
like I used to.
I
received a letter from Dr. Black's office telling me that they
recommend surgery. I think I knew that. I guess a lot of the
bone arachitecture has eroded away so my brain is starting to
fall. I wonder what that does to everything. Maybe it's the
erosion that has caused me so many problems.
Friday
December 13, 2002
Made
cookies. Oatmeal, Choclate Chip, peanut butter and Walnuts.
YU-UM. Everyone loved them.
Had
this crazy wisked dream that Florent killed Raechael and we went
and hid out on Roman's boat that had a pool in the bottom
and a swanky waterbed and we were in the Carribean which
was from the distance from here to Catalina Island. We were
hiding out and I thought it was the best place in the world.
We had AMAZING sex and then we had to come back to LA for
some god awful reason. Then I woke up.
I
cleaned the house, vaacuumed. Called EDD to find out why
I didn't get my disability. "Well, you only qualify
for $1400."
"$1400
may not seem that much to you but for me that's a lot!" Just
enough to publish Volume 1 of Dear Demented Diary.
Can
I bitch about the horrible sex I just had? I was all into
it because I am leaving for Kentucky and it's been a while.
What a selfish bastard. He came or he said he was done and
I was 3 seconds away from a blinding orgasm. I begged him
to let me finish because it's been the best sex we have had
in a while.
Fuck
it. Fuck him. Fuck the INS. I'm sick of dealing with that
shit. I'm sick of everything except Rita and Buzzy and getting
excited about going to see my friends. Oh my god... I never
thought I would be so happy to be back home but after the
nightmare my life has turned into... Minuteman. Why is it
so hard to find a great lover?
Saturday
December 14, 2002
Zack
wrecked his car. Whaaaa!
I don't know what the fucking problem is with dreamweaver
but it's so God Dam slow that when I type it can't keep up
with my words so I just opened up another window and now I
am typing in Emacs. It makes my life so much easier.
We are going to the festival of Lights tonight where all
the boats go by with their Christmas Decorations. I am very
excited. Rita is nervous as hell. Her family wants to put her
in a home anyway.
We woke up at 7. I walked into the bathroom to check on her
because she was heaving. Then she asked me to go with her to
the Jacuzzi. We chit-chatted a bit. I told her about one of
my friends that takes care of special needs kids and some of
the things he has suffer from.
We touched on sexual abuse and she told me that he would
get over it.
I got really upset because I know that a lot of the women
I love have been sexually abused and then I thanked her and
her generation for making more and more people aware of it
so that it didn't happen to my generation so much. Not that
it still doesn't happen but comparitavly... It's all been a
frieghtening ordeal. So I was swimming in the pool thinking
about all the things people go through. It's such a shame.
She asked me "Why do I have to be sick?"
How can I possibly answer her that? Why in the hell do I
have to be sick? No one enjoys it.
I was talking to Leslie the other night about our illness.
Sometimes I just sit here and have to hold my head because
a wave of something has hit me. It's hard to explain but she
knew what I was tlaking about and added that she gets nasuated
too. I kinda forgot that part of it but I know I also get violently
ill when I start to feel the brain thing pass on me.
I am starting to think more and more about this surgery thing.
I know I have wanted it for ages but I am still very frightened
about it. I think the older we get the more scared we become.
I mean what if they royally fuck me up? What if my pitutary
gland is totally fucked? What if them blind me?
I have to see Saturn before I do this. I hope that Zack and
I can go to a cool planetirum or something while I am there.
Monday
December 16, 2002
So I was
overat Buzzy's. I took a photo with the Panasonic Lumilex
YUM. I love the little couple copulating there in the center and the mushroom
head and the pink eyes. I love these orchids. Buzzy let me try her cranberry
liqueur. It was divine and I am ready to invest in alcohol to see if they have
more. I couldn't not get over how pretty her flowers remain to be. IT's been
about 45 days since they first bloomed and now they are just so magnificient.
Rita leaves tonight. I am happy for her even though I fear I will miss her
terribly. I can't get over how pretty this orchaid photo was. Unfortunately
the Christmas tree didn't translate.
I am waiting to play a villian and I have a fabulous part to read for Superfuckers.
I have my cashmere sweater on that I bought at the Salvation Army. I got the
one I bought for myself for Christmas on E-bay today. It's a deep red Cashmere
from Victoria Secret.
I am kinda nervous about going home. I will be getting some checks from EDD
and they are going out tonight since I am disabled. Jump for joy over that
one.
I can actually buy Christmas presents for my nephews this year. I am going
to the welfare office tomorrow morning. Doing 3 voice overs tonight and I get
two checks this week and one from Tyler. Maybe I can spend more money on other
people but... I don't know what to shop for.
There is a never ending presense flashing in my eye. It has begun to disturb
me greatly. Everytime I look up or at something there is the lightening flashing
before my eyes.
I kissed Chris full on the lips and now Florent is entirely jealous. I am
reading a book about abuse. I am indded an abuser as well as being abused.
At least I have come to the conclusion that I am not the one misjudging what
is going on in my life because in one part it talks about that. The book is
Destructive Relationships and I am reminded that I am the one that makes decisions
for myself. I fucking hate having nails. I am being all girly for Granny and
these nails... thank god I don't have to type too much in Danville.
So Joe is a Betrayer of Confidences.
Dr. Murry writes
You may have revealed yourself to people in your life only to find
out that they've abused your trust. Make no mistake: This is a form of emotional
abuse. They are deliberately exposing you at your core or making decisions
for you without your consent.
That settles that.
I think it's my ring finger that needs to stay trimmed. And maybe my thumb.
I make threats and today I abandoned him on the road because I could not
stomach his behavior. He is responsible for himself and he is not making the
dough. There... that nail is better now.
I wonder if I abandoned him today because that was something I read in the
book or if I am empowering myself.
It looks like we won't get to say good by to Rita. I bet we will be here
the rest of the night.
It's my turn to go in.
Maybe I can't change everything but maybe I can change my own behavior and
how I deal with certain things that I don't like.
I guess I am going to go home with my spirits high and feeling good. Sue
wrote to me last night and told me how a professor was lamb-basting her against
the wall. I told her how to handle this situation thinking back to the time
when Michelle tried to tell me that she would never come back to class if she
called her professor a bitch.
But I had more political power than that bitch.
Wednedayday
December 18, 2002
What a difference a day makes is playing on the head phones. The Tony Bennet version.
I slept like shit. We had to wake up to be at the welfare
office at 6. They approved my case. We were sitting there when
the phone rang. I gave Flroent that hateful look not to even
answer it.
We got out the car. "It's 818. ...No... it's 859."
FUCK FUCK FUCK. Not now. God dammit. Not one fucking day.
Not the day I am supposed to come home. Not today. Not on the
trip to Chicago on the way home. I slept so horribly last night.
I was so looking forward to sleeping and this beautiful man
sits next to me. It's the first time I have seen someone about
my age on a flight.
He hops planes like cabs. Flying all around the world. How
divine. I remember how much fun that used to be.
Robinson's May's sale was today. When you went in they took
an additional 20% off your purchase. I could buy Granny that
White Diamond's gift set. I noticed she was running low last
time I was there.
I found some funky knives on e-bay last night to give to
my grandfather. I wasn't going to fuck up this Christmas. I
wanted everyone to know how much I loved them.
"Are you driving?" Granny asks? I don't want to know. The
only reason she would be calling me is if...
57 years. I don't know how my grandmother put up with all
that shit for so long. So much agony. So much hurt. All the
good times. All the bad. They were my real parents.
"He knew you were coming home tonight."
Just one more day. GOD DAMMIT YOU ARE SO FUCKING UNFAIR.
I HATE YOU. ONE FUCKING DAY.
"He ate 6 panckaes. I knew when he ate sweet things he didn't
feel well."
"Who else knows?"
"You're the first one I could get a hold of." It was 8 am.
We were in and out of the welfare office so fast. Settling
into the car. Looking out on Pico Blvd. The sun was shining.
IT was beautiful.
"Buzzy... Poppa died this morning."
"Oh shit."
"I have to do some shopping then I will be back at the apartment
so we can jacuzzi and swim."
No one told me we were living in Nazi Germany. There is a
lock down on the country. I am too weak to carry my bags on
through. My shoulders hurt because I didn't sleep well all
night.
We walk into Washinton mutual. I am balling my eyes out.
A girl gets me Klenex. I cry as I deposti my last pay check
from Onestop. Thinking about my grandfather. What am I going
to wear on the plane? What am I going to get everyone for Christmas?
I pick up the White Diamonds. There is a free watch. I am
happy. There is a new fragrence. Forever. I couldn't resist.
I bought them both and some J'dour from Dior for Anne. I found
a cashemere sweater for Lesli. I get two more sweaters. I don't
have anyone in mind but I let Buzzy choose from 3 tings I can
give my best friends that I can't think of right now. Mikey.
Sue. Lesli... the sweater. I have necklaces. I get them things.
A compulsive buy. I wanted to get something for my nephews
and my brother in law and Zack but my mind blanks out.
One fucking day. One fucking day. I let the water rush underneath
me. The side to side exercises are paying off finally. My sides
look like a woman. I have blossomed. I am dying. My grandfather
died this morning. The cycle continues. Life goes on. Many
calls home. Surprise Surprise Thomas is there first.
"He was going to take the garbage out and he just fell over
and when he fell I knew that was it."
Just like that. One fucking day. Just one God Damn day. It
couldn't wait until I could kiss his face and feel him there
with me. I looked at the sun. "You're not going to miss me
calling you butterfly?"
"No..." I am so mean to Florent.
"The sun is everywhere. He's in the sun." I hope you understand
now, Poppa, just how beautiful California is. This is why I
decided to stay. Please look out with my eyes. See what is
there for me.
Buzzy walks in. We light up. That Bitch Sally is here I write
Zack. I fill her in on what's going on. I call home. Thomas
is there already. The funeral director is there. Marty is there.
I am not. I am on my way. Should I leave the same day Rita
leaves I ask myself when I bought the ticket.
Tyler asks me if I am going to work today.
"No!" I have better things to do like mourn the loss of my
grandfather. I don't care if he had a full life he doesn't
get to see me get better, recover have children. Buzzy explains
how we preserve our dead. Like we were saving ourselves to
be brought back to life. There will be living cells that allow
the DNS to be taken off the corpse.
"They steal everthing." Buzzy says. Wouldn't it be nice to
have a camera in there so that we would know for sure if there
are grave robbers.
"This was his birthday present" I hold the water color up.
I have no photos to bury with him. I guess I don't have to
pack the charcoals I think to myself already craving alone
time with Granny. After Christmas. When everthing is still
and quiet.
"What are your berevement rates?" I ask around. No one can
give me an answer. I buy the store. I spend more than half
my paycheck. Not everyone has a present.
"You make sure they get their envelops" He told her. He knew
I was going to be there today. He knew I was in the neeck of
his woods sick as a dog not looking forward to the drive home.
I think about living in Danville. Making one room my office
another my bedroom.
"You all have your own lives" Granny tells me. But I know
that she will need me there with her for a while. I think once
I have my procedure and recovering I can go and stay for a
while in Danville.
I start doing the butterfly. The Bitch sister coming home
with a tan when it's been snowing and shit in Kanfuckme. Hallu-fucking-ijha.
Turbelance. My stomch leave me. I want to do a porno in outer
space. I want to have the first baby there. My body is heavy.
I have no strength. I tell an attandent and she helps me on
the plane early. I am in shock. I don't know what to say. I
know I look so normal. I can't even carry my purse.
I guess I learned my lesson. "You know he loved ya" She comforts
me.
"I just wish I had been there for you."
"You were here for Patsy." telling me that was good enough.
My heart starts breaking. Up for breath. Smack in the water.
I get a little tan which is visible when I get back in. I feel
so mortal so human. The only man that was ever a real dad to
me is gone now. I started thinking about all those poor girls
whose grand fathers played with them. My grandfather was never
like that.
"Why don't you come home?" He begged me.
"Poppa... I don't want you to see me die."
It was the hardest conversation I have ever had in my life.
If only I would have quit being so stubborn. Maybe I would
have seen his face one last time. Animated with love, gentle
with hertfelt feelings and always tender when speaking of the
past he could nevewr understand how it spun so out of control.
We stop in Subway. Florent is talking to a client. I don't
think he will make it with me. He didn't ask his mother what
to get me this year for Christmas. We share Foi Gras. The soap
is for him so is the Shampoo. I don't feel loved. I wanted
to come home because I wanted to feel loved.
Have you ever noticed how some people start talking more
and more as the plane starts to land?
Thursday
December 19, 2002
I'm in shock. I woke up around 11 I think. Maybe 10. I called Sue to find out where she was and then she was already at the airport. I had a very hard time moving last night.
I can't convey what it meant to be in Zack's arms again.
He's so great. I love him so much. He's there for me no matter
what. That's mroe than I can say for a lot of people. His
apartment is AMAZING! I love it so much. I now have an idea
of his style. There are things to get him...
I am in total shock. My eyes were puffy. "It doesn't hurt
as bad as when momma died, that's for sure." But the grieving
has only begun. I am not with my family. They are all in
Danville. My sisters and my brother. Everyone agreed that
$500 was way too much to spend on getting Florent here. I
certainly don't want to spend it and neither does anybody
else. LEt him deal with the INS. IT's so nice to step away
from all of the shit in California trading one nightmare
for another.
One fucking day. I can't stand it. One fucking day. He
knew I was coming. I take comfort in knowing that at least
he died knowing I was going to be there soon.
I'm sitting in SWA F22. It's so funny to look around and
see all the Kentucky women. Mother/daughter pairs with huge
shopping bags. A happy daddy with dreds supporting his daughter,
nibbling on her ear. Baby fever is running through my veins.
I still could have Zack's baby. I know he could support one.
He could love one so much. I would never have to worry about
him or her and if that were to happen that we could have
a baby I know it would be very loved no matter what sex the
baby would be or it's orientation. And it would be very very
artistic.
I got to play with his hair. It's the longest it's been
in a long time.
It's so nice to walk up to the ticket counter and tell
them I need spcial help because I am ill. One woman helped
me carry my stuff to my seat. I pre-boarded and it's kind
of nice to have that rule for people with disabilities.
Zack had the best pot. We sat around and watched the last
episode of the Amazing Race. I remember watching the first
episode with Zack and some other chick... Flo. I liked them.
They won. I would have killed her though. IT was nice to
sit and listen to Zack being so wonderful. I can't get over
what an amzing fucking person he is now. Like a time warp
I thoguht he was still just 27. He's already 29. I love his
apartment. He calls himself a guppy-gay yuppy.
We met his boyfriend for a drink. Jeff had a friend with
him named Irine. She was from Kiev. "Your Russian is PERFECT" she
purred so seductively. She assumed I was a lesbian.
She totally freaked out when she found out I was married. "Oh
my god! You're MARRIED? I thoguht you were a lesbian?" I
probably am. I have never really hit that way all the way.
I am flagged for review.
We had Christmas early. At least my Christmas.
Good 'ol Andy broght me to the house last night. I wanted to stay with Susan one night but the ache of not being there for my grandmother was too great. I walked in the door and Lesli held me up as the wailing begun.
We talked along the way. I guess some things never change.
57 years. I can't imagine the pain of being a widow. I can't imagine being married to one of the best men that ever walked the earth and now he wouldn't be by my side. What's even more painful is knowing he won't be there to cheer me on after surgery.
I place my hand on his belly. It was soft. It was moving. "Please sit up. Please sit up. I don't want this to be real." His face looked as though he could blink. He looked like he was real... alive.
Andy left and I was relieved to see that just my sisters and my Granny were here.
"We cried and cried. I crawled into bed with Anne and Granny and wailed like I did that time on the boat. I think I could have made a siren silent with envy."
So much so many things a blur all coming together. I don't know which way is up or down. Lance was there. He has Syringomyelia. I told him that his disease is a lot like mine.
So many people I don't remember. So many things going on. Narced up and smiling. Susan's warmth and comfort effervecing through my soul.
I think my true love... is not Florent. I think my true love has taught me a little something. I wish I could move back here but as soon as I walked from the car I started to stoop. Then I couldn't hold myself up. More narcs. Lying down and trying to rest. Feeling more and more ill. Spine tingling. Neck chocking.
LOTS OF LOVE
Saturday December 28, 2002
Well Kiddies, I am spending my last Saturday night of the year here in Chi town. I must admit being around Zack has done wonders. I love him so much. It's also comforting to be in surroundings that are loving. I am tickeled.
I lost my grandfather... but Granny gave me some rocks for Christmas. WOW.
I mean WOW.
I mean wow WOW WOW. "As long as you have this ring you will never feel poor." Granny said as I was practially out the door.
This was certainly one of the fastest weeks of my life. It's all such a vicodan induced blur. Durgs and love. Love and Drugs. More drugs and even more love. Cooking, preparing, Christmas. I spent Christmas with my fam and then hooked up with Step and Kirk and Andy. No one showed up on time at the Beer Depot (thank God Step knew where it was because I can remember my ass from a hole in the ground anymore) on time so I missed everyone. Weary from the day and the cold getting my nerves Step took me back to her place.
We bonded well. I showed her some tricks.
It was so wonderful being home. I felt so different being there. I feel like I haven't learned all the things I feel I should know. I dream about setting up a small place where I can photograph.
