Monday
May 1, 2000
Get a
free ice cream cone at Baskin Robbin's on Wednesday, May 3rd.
Tuesday
May 2, 2000
I have
no interviewing skills. I can't lie and I am too honest about
some things and can't elaborate about others. Fuck it. FUCK
IT FUCK IT FUCK IT.
I picked
up three clients this week, maybe and I still have another site
I need to pick up for Bob. Fuck it. Fuck it Fuck it.
One day
I won't be in such a bad position and maybe even I will be sought
out for my designs. One day... I don't think I can ever work
for a company.
*************************************************************
I don't
think I have the desire to put myself in a position where asking
for a glass of fucking water is made such a big deal... and
where people don't enjoy my sense of humor.
"They
were concerned how you might come across to clients."
What?
I might make them fucking laugh? Every client I have gotten
on my own... I can spend so much time with Bo French. We make
each other laugh all the time. Bob Doesn't know what to make
of me and even Keith McKinney likes me. You know why? I don't
bullshit. I am honest and real with my clients and they toss
me more business.
Like I
need to follow a corporate hierarchy for feeding shit to people.
"Mmmmmm... that's num nums... want another heaping spoonful
of USDA Grade A SHIT while I toss your salad?"
Fuck it.
Kevyn hired me today to do sales for his company. If I can pull
in some money that way then I get a good cut. And believe me
I am not against shoving my tits in people's faces if it gets
a sale. At this point I really have nothing to lose and besides,
my elbow is fucked up. I don't think I really wanted to move
to Chicago anyway. I think that was me trying to comply with
Lesli's wishes of me staying close enough.
I'll just
prepare for my Dreamweaver class and call the doctor about my
fucking elbow. Bo told me the other day that he had something
similar happen to him and he had to go through months of physical
therapy. It hurts so bad I toss and turn at night, straightening
it up so it doesn't hurt, trying something new. Now it's swollen
and I am slowly starting to lose whatever grip I have in my
right hand.
To be
perfectly honest, I was putting it off because it seems every
time I go to the fucking doctor about a problem I am having,
the results are usually "We'd like to take that hunk of meat
out of your body." I think I have good reason to be a bit paranoid.
Too fucked
up to care anymore. You know, when I came to the conclusion
that there were over a billion people on the planet and I had
had sex with less then .0000000001 of them, I decided to allow
myself to have sex with people and enjoy my sexuality. Now that
I have interviewed with less then .000001 of the Internet companies
and I know EXACTLY where I DON'T fit it... I feel a little bit
better about myself.
I also
think Susan hates her fucking job and it was real easy to just
let her shit spill out on me because she actually has to work
for those assholes and what can I say? I can't call her supervisor
and say "Susan was a bitch."
You know,
if you are reading this right now, and you have 1/2 the confidence
and understanding of what it takes to move life up to the next
level and you have problems making other people believe in you,
then just keep going. Sometimes it's hard to make other people
see that you, your personality, your disposition, your charisma
your uniqueness are what make you the dynamic person you are.
And if they don't believe in you, fuck them as long as you believe
in yourself.
I would
also like to acknowledge that my father somehow passes this
Clay curse on to me, where I think it's going to be really hard
to not work for myself.
Besides
I'm free and Susan still hates her job :)
All of
a sudden unemployment doesn't look so bad.
Wednesday
May 3, 2000
Dear Susan:
After
thinking about what you said to me and crying and moping around
I started to think about what was going on in my head. When
I first got out to the office I thought, "hmmm. This is nothing
like X-co., it's in Podunk and office is really bland." Then
I started to meet the people I was interviewed by and slowly
began to realize they had no personality beyond what they saw
in a computer screen. Plus their website was really bland and
boring. It just goes to show you that the people working the
company are pretty bland and boring themselves.
Then I
started thinking to myself that working for these people would
be like slowly getting my toenails pulled out from their bed
mm by mm each day because the mundaness and lack of personal
stimulation or depth in these people's character would drive
me incessantly mad. So I did and said things to ensure that
I would never get a job with said company.
When Steve
was looking at the time difference between my show and graduation
and I answered him honestly that my mother died and it took
me some time to get over, I didn't think that would be a poor
reflection upon me because well hey, once your mother is dead
it's not like I am going to be digging her up and using her
death as a way to skip out of work. If he didn't want to understand
the discrepancy, then he shouldn't have asked but then I never
made these bullshit rules on how to interview fresh meat for
a decaying company willing to spread their disease in an office
that can't even offer enough space for it's current employees.
And then
I thought about what a rancid bitch you were to me, which was
totally uncalled for. I'm not the fucking dumb ass who had a
mindless job making so much fucking money sitting on my ass
doing squat. When I first saw you when I came into the office
you looked as if you had aged 4 years. I was definitely astounded
by that since we are the same age but now you look much older.
And then I thought you were probably just being a cunt because
I knew who and what you were in your former X-co. life and to
see you slaving away was a blow to your fragile little ego.
Yeah...
I was sad for a while, but then I realized I wasn't smart enough
to piss away the best job I would ever have in my entire life.
Love,
Catherine
There...
I feel better. Wouldn't you love to follow up an interview with
a letter like that? Yeah... I would too. But I can do anything
I damn well want to here, because it's my fucking diary.
I'm starting
to feel like my old rancid cunt self again.
You know,
I bet you sometimes wonder why a pretty girl like me is such
a cunt. Well, it's simple.
Now I
know that most people were made fun of by other people at school,
that's a fact of life. But... raise your hand if you ever had
a cow bell brought on the school bus and rung when you got off
of it. I thought so...
And raise
your hand if you were ever clapped at when you got off the school
bus until the bus driver threatened the rest of the kids with
referrals unless they stopped.
And raise
your hand if Blobby Joe Burba asked you to spend the night and
in the last 15 minutes, when you knew your momma was coming
to get you, she held a BB gun to my head and threatened to shoot
me in the head several times and when she did nothing came out
but air. Like that's not going to fuck someone up.
And raise
your hand if you ever had "friends" and neighbors and your own
sister get together in a mob and came threatening to beat you
up with mops and brooms and the only way you knew how to stop
them was to pull your dad's loaded .44 out from underneath his
bed.
And raise
your hand if your "best friend" (no less a client's step daughter
who would take her earrings out of her ear and put them in between
her fingers and hit her baby brother with her hand when she
was 14) wouldn't talk to you in public but made fun of you and
when you went to her house one weekend another gang of kids
hunted you down in the neighborhood and you hid in the bushes,
crying while some fucking deaf kid kept pointing you out to
everyone, elated he wasn't the one being made fun of. There
was nothing you could do but sit there and be pinched until
you bled and hit until I think someone's parent came outside
and made them quit.
And then
going to school again and facing these assholes in the cafeteria
and sitting alone most of the time. (Thank god I learned to
hate lunch because by the time I was in high school I would
go eat lunch in the balcony and guess who I would eat with?
Andy.)
Wow...
those memories were so bad and painful midway I had get up and
go puke in the sink.
But the
icing on the cake was always coming home to an alcoholic father
and you never knew what kind of mood he was going to be in but
since you looked like your mother, you were sure to get the
lion's share of abuse that night.
I couldn't
win. There was no hope for me. I'm sorry but after all the things
I have been put through and the torture I have faced, I am still
a very beautiful person, and some people don't make it out alive.
I know
I am pretty. Does it hurt to hear me hear that every once in
a while? No! I'm actually not that egotistical because I had
front row seats to see just how horribly beautiful creatures
are treated. My mom was loved and nurtured her entire life from
her parents. She still went out and had a life that was filled
with petty torment and torture (I call being stripped searched
for parking in a Handicapped parking space a crime, personally).
I'm not going to live my life that way. Fuck you no thanks.
Jen asked
me why of all the things beautiful I have written in my diary,
Why did I choose this passage?
Well,
because that was one of the days I felt so incredibly special.
Andrei spread my legs and after he was done pleasing me with
his mouth he said to me "ti tak slatkaya, slatkaya." If you
want the translation, I guess you will have to e-mail
me. He also told me when I wore my hair down I looked like Rysalka.
2 days later, sitting on a beach in Volgograd with Roman I heard
him say that word and was so delighted to find out it meant
mermaid.
Of all
the lovers I have had, only two have ever said such sweet romantic
things to me in the heat of passion or just being together.
Do you know that Andy would sometimes stare at me and because
he thought I was so beautiful his eyes would well up with tears
and he would start crying? (Gee, and you really have to guess
why I am sleeping at his place now, eh?) I honestly think Andrei
is the only lover I have ever had to be sappily romantic, and
that's why I used that passage. He made me so happy. Just happy
to be a woman.
Not many
days pass when I still don't hear in the back of my head ti
tak slatkaya, slatkaya.
Thursday
May 4, 2000
I did
so much today I am starting to believe I just may be getting
my life together. I had my oil changed. I went to a stupid interview
for Primax windows because I thought it was a design job and
when I realized I didn't want to waste my time listening to
shit I just stood up and left.
I'm just
not in the mood.
Oh... and
I went and saw Dr. Reid about my elbow. I have tennis elbow
and she gave me some naprosyn. She told me when I was bowling
that since I wasn't used to it I twisted my arm and inflamed
something. So that was nice.
I came
home and talked with Granny on the phone. I don't know how much
stupider (yes that word exists for her because she has this
uncanny knack for out doing herself from her previous stupidity)
my white trash sister in law can get. I think her and my genius
(yes... that's geen us) brother figured out Granny and Poppa
aren't leaving them shit. And if you are reading this Psycho
Pump, Lesli got the ring you wanted HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
She sent
this letter about how she thought it was up to them to make
up with my brother, that we were a bunch of liars and shit.
But the funny thing is she added a news clipping to Dear Ann
about how people don't leave their families their money but
will leave it to organizations and what have you. It said that
the families isolate the old people and in her letter she was
worried about how Thomass was isolated.
I personally
know that she can out do herself. She can do some even more
stupid shit. She didn't even come out and thank Granny and Poppa
for their Christmas gift. I swear. I think if she thought with
her cunt instead of her head she might just do the world a favor.
Yeah...
I have to lie about you throwing away my room you fucking dumb
ass. The sad thing is that white trash sister in law won't ever
get any of Granny's real treasures, which are the clothes she
makes. I know she won't be getting any jewelry either ;)
Granny
is going to photocopy her letter and give a copy to everyone
so we can frame it and laugh at her again and again on our own.
I watched
Braveheart for the first time tonight.
Oh what
it must have been to sit and dream of your lover all day. To
sit in a beautiful garden and read all day, constantly craving
his touch. To worry about his impending doom in a war, or dream
of how he out smarted his opponent in battle.
I see
why that movie won so many awards now. It has set my imagination
a fire.
I just
dream to fall in love with someone who not just exists in this
life, but lives a very full live as well.
I'd also
like to add Geoff tells me I am beautiful, and even though he
just sends it on ICQ, it still means so much to me. It always
puts a smile on my face because I know he means it. Or at least
I hope he does.
Sunday
May 7, 2000
I am laying
off my arm for a little while, trying to get it healed so I'm
taking sometime to not write. It's not like I don't want to...
it's kind of driving me mad not to but it's painful... I think
I should just go in and get cortisone shot.
Wednesday
May 10, 2000
There
are two people out there that show their concern for my well
being in ways that I don't care for. You both know who you are.
I don't share either one of your philosophies of life and you
both continue to try to hurt me with your bitching.
Neither
one of you are more important to me then my own sanity. I don't
care how much we have shared or how much you have meant to me
in the past because I'm dealing with you in the present and
I am just sick of it. You need to check yourself and start thinking
before you speak or writing me letters because right now I don't
care for either one of you.
As a matter
of fact, I'm really fucking pissed so you need to leave me alone
for a long, long time so I can cool down or I will start writing
EXACTLY how I feel about both of you, and neither one of you
want me to do that because then I am going to prove to you that
no matter what, I am still a Clay.
I wish
you both to have a nice summer and a nice life and I will get
in touch with you when I feel I have cooled down enough to tolerate
your behaviors.
I would
also encourage you BOTH to seek out therapy individually because
drugs alone ain't going to cut it. You have some deep psychological
problems if you think I am going to listen to you tell me how
to live my life when BOTH of you are pretty fucked up yourselves.
I have tried to encourage you BOTH to get counseling and you
don't.
It's kind
of like that argument I had with Kevin when he told me I should
clean out my attic. I told him that when people were getting
cars and going to Jamaica for Spring Break when I was a teenager,
I was in therapy myself so I could come out of my fucked up
childhood intact and somewhat sane. I didn't realize I was one
of the few people that actually believed this.
But I
think he was right about one thing, I do need to get rid of
some baggage that doesn't belong to me and I am not going to
have anything to do with either one of you until you realize
that living your existence as a self-absorbed individual who
thinks they can say ANYTHING you want to me does not make your
lives anymore special then that of my father to me.
I have
come to accept that I'm a giving person and I rarely get back
what I put into a relationship but I always try to give you
the best of who I am and if you are giving me the same consideration,
your best isn't good enough and neither one of you are being
much of a friend to me right now.
*************************************************************
And don't
e-mail me or ICQ me. When I tell you to leave me alone I fucking
mean leave me alone. Your e-mails are being deleted and you
are not going to be a part of my life right now because YOUR
OPINION NO LONGER MEANS ANYTHING TO ME.
I don't
care what you think how you feel or what you want to bitch about
next. I will contact you when I want to and if you don't want
to have anything to do with me then, it's your God given right.
I don't give a fuck about how you feel ANYMORE. You have killed
that part inside of me with you insipid banter of how you define
your own lives. Get some fucking help because the toll you have
placed on my psyche can not be paid and I need to take care
of myself and not you or your fucking problems you create for
yourself.
*************************************************************
And the
saga continues. I think the two guilty parties figured out who
the fuck they were really god damn fast. Congrats.
You want
your stuff back, I want the money you said you would pay me
and my light meter. You want your photos off my site. Fucking
sue me. You sure as fuck didn't have a problem with them being
here when I wasn't fed up with your shit, I don't see what the
problem is with them now just because you don't want them there.
(I still haven't read any of your e-mails).
But then...
it's always about what you want, isn't it?
All I
want is for you two to respect me and leave me the fuck alone
but you don't listen, do you?
*************************************************
I have
no respect? At least I have fucking friends and I don't have
to start dating in order to get a new set of people that I can
share interests with because I am too fucking shallow and self-absorbed
to accept others for the way they are and concentrate on the
good things they have to offer instead of what can this person
can do for me. Did I mention I still have friends all around
the world who are much more willing to spend quality time with
me instead of trying to make me feel like shit about myself
because I can't get a fucking job?
I haven't
even mentioned your fucking name, prick.
It's not
that I don't respect you, prick, it's just that I am sick of
your shit. Everyone gets sick of it and that's why you have
no friends and can't carry relationships.
Oh...
and the exs that I have cared about still talk to me too because
I honestly cared about who they were as people even though I
talk shit about how big their cocks were. But wait... I think
I have better relationships with all your exs that I know because
they value and respect me as a person and I extend them the
same courtesy.
And I
don't think I was the one that dated someone that will die soon,
give them a glimmer of hope, expect my best friend to accept
that decision and then turn around and shit all over him. That
wasn't me. THAT WAS YOU. This is who you are and that is how
you live your life.
I accepted
your behavior for so long that I would excuse anything shitty
that you would do. I'm not doing it anymore. Fuck you.
But then
again, I wasn't the dumb ass willing to open this can of worms
and want to advise you on your attitude when I know you are
just 2 steps away from getting your ass fired on a daily basis
because you are such a bitch and no one can fucking stand you
but your mommy.
I have
no respect... no respect for you.
And I
fucking warned you to leave me the fuck alone. I fucking meant
it and now I don't care if I ever have anything to do with you
again as long as I live. Thanks for the good times, you can
shove the bad ones your new asshole I just ripped for you...
Thursday
May 11, 2000
Can I
please tell you how fucking happy I have been since I made that
decision to rid myself of two people that were so negative in
my life?
I feel
like a completely different person now. Now I don't give a flying
fuck if I get a job or not because I am working at my own speed.
I don't give a rats ass what people think of the decisions I
make. I'm sure it didn't take the rest of you too long to figure
out who the energy vampires were.
I have
to get a web page together of my 20 best photos. It seems the
web mistress at Toys in Babeland wants to use my photographic
services. I hope that job works out. That would be nice to start
my career for other people taking nudies. Plus I am sure they
wouldn't have a problem with linking to me.
Ang wrote
to me to tell me how proud she is of me. And Geoff and Barbi
have written in their support as well. It's strange to think
I have so many people out there that really care for my well
being. In a way, it's nice having that kind of cushion to rely
on. And it's also nice to feel like I am not the one in a fucking
pit of despair because honestly, as usual, I am having the fucking
time of my life and I am just happy to be alive.
Kevin
called me tonight before he went sleepies. He just wanted to
tell me he was having nice thoughts of me. I kept trying to
get him to tell me what they were, but he wouldn't. I'm beginning
to think maybe, just maybe he is starting to get it.
I hope
you are all having a pleasant month. I know some of this shit
is hard to trudge through sometimes, but I promise, I think
it's just a build up for good things to come. I think I like
to psyche myself out by remembering the shit so it feeds the
flames of my desires. Maybe it's fucked up but hey... how else
is someone suppose to respond to life if all there has ever
been is crisis after crisis.
Saturday
May 13, 2000
The fuel
pump went out on my car yesterday.
That's
a joy.
But last
night I had the time of my life.
Sunday
May 14, 2000
I saw
this as I was getting a card for Lesli and Granny. Of coarse
you know I wanted to sit there and blubber like a baby. All
these other people around me frantically looking for a card
for their mothers that were still alive.
I hate
today... it's such a painful time of the year for me.
Monday
May 15, 2000
So I showed
up to the cemetery and Lesli had already put flowers down on
the grave. She then told me that she was worried about me. "Have
you ever watched my children when they get really tired? Right
before they crash, they are going nuts. I'm worried that you
are about to crash."
It's kind
of like the conversation I had with Don the day before Mom died.
"It's as if you are dancing on a volcano."
"When
has my life every been stable?"
Diana
was freaking because she hated being in Columbus and not having
a place to call her own.
I think
I chastised her a bit and then remembered not everyone had two
homes they were raised in and you had to keep track of your
stuff or you forgot where it was.
It doesn't
really bother me to be homeless. I have my bed here. I have
a lot of shit here. Just because it's not permanent doesn't
mean I can't be comfortable. As a matter of fact, I almost think
I am more comfortable not having stability in my life because
at least I can predict and know why things aren't stable.
Chaos
theory is my favorite one of all.
So I saw
Anne yesterday and we were civil to one another. She is dating
her favorite beau of past and I am just ecstatic for her. I
wanted to run up and wrap my arms around his now manly frame,
happy that now Anne is with someone who genuinely loves her.
Maybe she will calm down a lot and quit being so hyper.
I told
Lesli that I was in a better frame of mind then I have ever
been. I told her about the fight Anne and I had when we got
back from London and even though she hit me I didn't have the
urge to hit her back. I think I have grown a considerable amount
since I was younger.
Plus I
have been so happy lately. Jacinta told me she noticed that
I hadn't been in a funk like she has seen me. Maybe I just suffer
from SAD really bad and getting away from a place that constantly
changes would do me a world of good.
I talked
about going out to LA again and that didn't make Lesli happy
either. She is afraid I would lose my support network. Everyone
that wants to have anything to do with me is on-line anyway
so I don't see how that had anything to do with it plus I think
if I can build a support network in Russia, LA shouldn't be
that difficult.
I don't
know... I just don't see the challenges other people want to
convince me they see because of their own fears.
When we
were in Russia, Anne came home and told dad that I was fearless.
Not a quality you want to raise your girls to have. The funny
thing is that Keith
McKinney told me that other lawyers were intimidated by
dad because he was fearless.
I'm coming
out of mourning... I am ready to start living my life for myself
now.
Tuesday
May 16, 2000
I did
something today I never thought I could. I deleted e-mails from
someone I no longer care about. Just like *snap* that.
I think
when you come to the conclusion that a relationship is hurting
you and you withdraw the other people in the relationship are
more hurt then you are because you are taking something they
cherish away from them, your love.
I can't
say I really blame my "friends" for being angry and petty, that's
just how they are and I knew it all along but I was still trying
to be good to them. It doesn't matter anymore because I have
hurt them more then they have hurt me. There are no skeletons
in my closet and nothing I am not ashamed of admitting. There
is nothing either one of them have put into this relationship
that I can't get back from people that are more supportive and
more caring about who I am and how I grow as an individual.
I wasn't
getting out of those relationships what I needed, so let me
cool off and bide my time or just leave me the fuck alone. That's
all I'm asking for. You can kick and scream and curse my dead
mother for bearing me, I don't care. Tell me to fuck off and
I'm a cunt. So what. The only person that cares anymore is you.
I don't come to your journals and read what you have to say
about me. As a matter of fact, the only journal I even bother
to read consistently is Geoff's.
I talked
on the phone with Anne today. She told me she let some guy photograph
her like she was betraying me for letting him do it. She also
told me that Kentucky is not the place for me to flourish. She
talked it over with this other photographer and I think he helped
her come to this conclusion. And I know she is right. I'm glad
at least one sister sees it that way.
When we
ended the conversation, I let her be the first to say "I love
you." It made me feel good and it was as if sitting on Mom's
grave on mother's day expunged any of the bad feelings we had
been having about one another... at least until our next fight.
I don't
know if Amy reads this... but if she does I have to thank her
for her generosity! I felt like it was Christmas, just like
you said I would. That was the nicest thing anyone has done
for me in a long time.
I hung
out with Bob today. It was a lot of fun. He is one of those
people that is such a character. He made me laugh a lot. Now
I have the whole house to myself... I think I will go read a
book on Dreamweaver.
Wednesday
May 17, 2000
Main Entry: 2stalk Function: verb Etymology: Middle
English, from Old English bestealcian; akin to Old English stelan
to steal -- more at STEAL
Date: 14th century
intransitive senses
1 : to pursue quarry or prey stealthily
2 : to walk stiffly or haughtily
transitive senses
1 : to pursue by stalking
2 : to go through (an area) in search of prey or quarry
- stalk7er noun
I am being
cyber stalked. Everyday it's something new... using a different
name, writing something. Usually I just delete her e-mail. Yesterday
she used an alias because she knew I wouldn't read a letter
coming from her. She always has to have the last word. She can't
just leave me alone like I asked.
I would
hate to think like she does. I know I have in the past but now
I know the difference. I know when I don't get a message back
that I am not welcomed. That maybe the person even deleted my
messages. It doesn't bother me to know that. I usually let it
go... but she won't stop.
Like some
virus she has a life of her own and she continues to bother
me with her narrow minded thoughts and mundane e-mails that
have to let me know exactly what she thinks. I think I would
hate to be trapped in the life she leads. It must be horrible
to be her... I know I refuse to live my life the way she does.
There are so many more interesting things to fill your mind
with.
Thankfully
I figured out a way to us .promailrc so I can filter out her
mail now.
So I poked
my tendon with a needle, because some kid that was a winner
in the Special Olympics told me that's what I should do. It
made the pain go away almost instantly. Sometimes I really hate
being in a culture where medication is always the first solution.
Today it's a little sore, but at least I don't have to use an
arm brace.
I went
over to Kevyn's and Katya was there. She is working on becoming
a neurologist. She called me sticking a needle in my arm self
mutilation. At least I am not a cutter.
Friday
May 19, 2000
"I have
a rhetorical questions for you."
"I already
know you won."
"I have
a rhetorical question for you." Pause here for dramatic effect.
"Who's your daddy?"
Me, smiling
on the phone answering "I'd rather not say."
"Oh never
mind... because now I am your daddy!"
"Kevin,
I don't understand why you get so flustered. I knew you were
going to walk this case. You stress out over bullshit and you
are the only one that believes you won't do it." I'm getting
free drinks and a big hard cock tonight.
In a way,
our relationship has evolved a great deal. Withholding sex seems
to work wonders. I called and left a breathy, moany message
on his phone on Tuesday. He told me I wasn't to do that while
he was in trial because it distracted him. I called the next
day and moaned "Kevvy Joe... the other day when I left that
message I was faking it.... but now.... it's real (SCREAM, SCREAM
SCREAM) ohhhh!"
Later
that day I called him and everyone was going to El Mundo
for dinner and I called him and asked if I could come, then
I said "Why wasn't I invited?"
"OK...
we'll see you there." I decided to stay at home and mope instead.
The best
part about going through shit on the net is that when I am with
my real friends I can really appreciate them for who they are.
Yesterday I went to the zoo with Jacinta, John and Christian,
John's young son. Jacinta asked me to do photos of Christian
because I haven't photographed him in almost a year. All the
animals were asleep so that sucked. I did get a few peacock
photos.
Last night
I hung out with Mili and Jacinta and I said something I feel
so fucking stupid about. I have admitted before here that I
am racist and it's not because I choose to be that way but it
was from years and years of hearing racial slurs spew out of
my father's mouth like the vile creature he is. Programs of
Hitler constantly plagued our TV and it was a belief of both
of my parents that white supremacy was an indomitable way of
life as well as thinking.
Of all
the things about myself I hate that this shit floats around
in my head and sometimes it comes out when I least expect it
and it embarrasses me to a degree you can't possibly comprehend
unless you were raised in such a manner and do your best to
try to forget.
Last night
Mili got me a Chi and himself one and didn't get one for Jacinta
so when he said he would get another one we both said no that
we would share ours. I said "Mili... we are Southern white girls..."
Jacinta
quickly said "I'm not white." And then I felt like shit because
she isn't. Sometimes I get so pissed at the classifications
of this society. We are both girls that were raised in the military
so we know there are certain rules that apply to us as women.
Then I
started thinking about myself. All of my Russian friends tell
me I am not American because I have a Russian soul, and I guess
that is the tragic thread in my life that helps weave the fabric
of how I define myself. Then I started thinking more and more
about it. Am I really white? Do I subscribe to the beliefs that
seem to be so popular in the region if you are white?
I have
been with lovers of all different races and nationalities. Not
all of them have been "white" either. I'm not married and I
don't have children. That's a "white" thing to do... propagation
of the species into a society not much better then a cesspool
that does not accept diversity very well even though the main
emphasis is on America being a melting pot.
I felt
bad about saying that to her but then I felt worse for ascribing
such a banal attitude to myself. Is this really how I see myself?
Shouldn't I be redefining myself on a daily basis? I told Jacinta
that I have never been more happy with myself and who I am as
a person.
I called
Diana on the phone last night and we talked for over 3 hours
I know. It was the best conversation on the phone I have had
in a while. I told her how I said that and how it made me feel.
She also happens to be Puerto Rican as well. She understood
in a way how I could say something so stupid but at the same
time, she didn't make me feel bad about saying it either.
She told
me she admired me for the personal strides I have made in my
life. She applauded me for not letting people run all over me
and take advantage of me like I used to. I told Jacinta I was
cutting out all the negativity in my life and she told me I
couldn't completely get rid of it all... I told her I wanted
to surround myself with people that make me feel good about
myself.
I think
it's stupid and tireless putting yourself through a cycle of
shit where you are the loser constantly. I don't need to be
told anymore what a bad person I am because I honestly don't
think that I am that bad of a person in my heart. I don't think
I hurt people intentionally with my actions or my thoughts unless
I have been pushed and pushed and pushed.
These
days, I find that even spending time with Kevin is nice. I don't
have to deal with his bitchiness and when I don't want to hang
out with him, I go off and do my own thing. It's nice being
around him, when he is willing to give me the love and support
that I need. I don't think I am a very demanding person, honestly.
I thought
of Roman again though. God how I miss Roman. He was always a
lighthouse and he always made me want to be a better person.
I had the same effect on him as well, or so he told me. I want
to inspire that in other people that I meet or just come across
by accident.
Today
it was a man name Bob that works at Winn-Dixie on Goss. He was
telling me he went to Texas and Goss to get his fix (as I was
dropping off my prescription from Dr. Simon). I told him I usually
go to Seventh and Hill. We had an amazing conversation and he
really brightened my day. Told me what it was like to be in
San Fran in the sixties... even if he was just in the Navy.
There
was another woman there too... I never learned her name. She
was gorgeous. She was older (I wouldn't have known that if she
hadn't told me she just had a mammogram) and she had the prettiest
skin. She was looking for coca butter because she was a runner
and she was getting stretch marks on her breasts from running.
We had about a 20 minute conversation about the high value of
100% Coco Butter and Alpha Hydroxy as well. It made me happy
because I could talk to this lady I would never see again unless
by happenstance and we could really communicate with one another
in ways you don't often get from other people.
Of all
the things I like about myself, this happens to be my favorite
thing about me. I don't know any strangers. I am the quintessential
Chatty Cathy, for this I am sure.
Saturday
May 20, 2000
My elbow
is back to hurting again. Went and saw the Virgin Suicides
with Kevin. It was ok. I would wait to watch it on video.
My arm
hurts again.
Mad
TV is almost on so I'm jetting.
Sunday
May 21, 2000
Andy and
I went to see Gladiator. Then we saw Battlefield Earth
(don't waste your money... if it was done 20 years ago then
it would have made more sense... but the concepts are kind of
dated; and then Road Trip which I might add both of
these movies had Kanfuckme in it.
My chest
always swells with state pride whenever I see Kanfuckme on screen.
Except for that Insider movie. I need to see that.
Naturally
I LOVED Gladiator... it rocked. I lusted long and hard
for Joaquin Phoenix. I am not going to go into how bad Battlefield
Earth was... you are just going to have to trust me. Part
of me kept thinking... hmmm... well I guess they are all just
scientologists paying their dues. There were huge holes in it
too, and I never really get off on movies with holes. And it
was predictable... I looked over at Andy and said "Why don't
they just go and get the gold from Ft. Knox?" Which they did.
Road Trip made me laugh a lot. I figured it would be
one of those really stupid guy movies but it wasn't. I think
it's a movie you should see if you just want to laugh.
So I spent
most of my day in a movie theater like I used to when our air
conditioner was broken and mom didn't have the money to fix
it. There was one time when Anne was in the hospital and we
went and saw Godfather III at the $1.50 movies and it
was so bad that mom didn't want to sit through any others.
Anyway...
I'm off to bathe.
Monday
May 22, 2000
As I sat
there, with one of those nasty robes hanging around my body,
I looked up at the clock. It was 2:45 and I could just imagine
Diana sitting in that plane getting ready to head for New Zealand.
I imagined myself in her position... and the fear, anxiety,
and adventure of being in a new time and place made me excited
for her. In 24 hours she will wake up in a new land where her
fairy tale will play out much like it did when Sam was here.
I have
been going through and reading my journal. I could never make
it past February of 1998, but I'm forcing myself to go through
it.
I got
to the part about Jenna in March so I looked her number up in
the phone book and called her and asked her what she was up
to. No stress, no strain. The sign of a buddy who likes to party.
"I need to do more photos of you."
"Where
are you living? What are you doing? Who are you with? and a
barrage of other questions. It was nice to hear her voice, and
even nicer to be invited out tonight.
I have
to go get ready...
I don't
think I was really as bad of a person as I thought I was...
I'm actually going back and really enjoying who I was two years
ago, laughing at myself when I first got my inheritance and
then later saying I would be in poverty once again.
It's almost
refreshing to see that my dreams weren't so banal... and that
I can look back in April of 1998 and read about how I so desperately
wanted to go to Kiev and looking back with experienced eyes.
I'm a
neat woman. I really like who I have turned out to be, even
if I have had to take a little detour to get here.
Tuesday
May 23, 2000
In a way...
I get the feeling like I was a better person two years ago.
So confident and ready to take on the world. I think I was more
in a frenzy though. A frenzy you can only experience after someone
so close to you dies.
I was
such a cocky bitch. It's funny to watch the way I have evolved.
I think I do have a very interesting journal. I have a lot of
things to say... I kind of dread reading through this year though
because it's mostly going to be about fucking Kevin instead
of some of the other intense things I have felt.
Life is
so strange. I thought maybe I was some kind of monster... I
thought maybe that I wasn't such a good person but I keep on
truckin', trying to make it through the rough spots. Sometimes
I am quite amazed at some of the revelations I made... I surprised
myself and am rather pissed off that I don't necessarily feel
that way these days. It's as if that fierceness inside of me
has eroded to expose this delicate creature and sometimes bitch.
Sometimes
I find that I remember things differently then the way they
really happened as not to offend anyone. It seems I am short
changing myself more then anyone else.
Last night
I felt a little of that magic come back to me. It's nice to
call someone you once cared about deeply and have them invite
you out. Jenna asked me to meet her at the Hideaway and
when I got off the phone with Jacinta, she had decided she would
go with me as well.
They got
along great even though they both thought they hated the one
another because of that freak, Stasic. Jenna and I sat outside
as if we talked yesterday. We have both graduated now and we
are both in that awful transition phase although I am beginning
to feel like maybe it's hasn't been such a bad transition since
I have had lots of time for myself. I know that there are many
people out there that have never had this opportunity in life
to just take it as it comes and roll with the punches.
Jenna
is still so amazingly beautiful. She smiles and her eyes light
up and she is still such a girl. The reason we fell out is because
her boyfriend didn't want her hanging out with me because she
told him a lie. But that ended and had I known when they broke
up, I would have called her earlier.
Plus we
have both been in each other's thoughts a lot.
Diana
read Zack's journal and told me he said that my journal was
just about fucking, boys and my mother. He forgot to mention
that there was so much shit about him here too. Wonderful things
I have written. I am sure he will remain in my thoughts as well
but... it's just not the same.
So I saw
Shelley Hora last night as well, and Colin's father. He was
doing the sound for the band and he didn't even look at me.
I have no qualms with him. He never hurt me, and after not having
a father that loves me, I kind of feel bad for Colin because
at least I got to make up my own mind about what a prick my
father was.
I am trying
to make it through 2 months a day through my journal. Since
I couldn't read after mom died for the longest time, I decided
I would just start with Feb 98 and move on. It's really strange
to go back and read some of that and realize that is ME
saying those things.
I wonder
when it was I lost that cuntty edge I once used to be so proud
of. But in the same token, I also think in a way I have just
been kinder to myself then I have ever allowed me to be these
past few years. I used to hate myself because that was the internal
dialog I was taught from my father, and it's as if I calmed
down a lot and allowed my more sensual side to take over instead
of being high strung and neurotic.
I thought
my car was leaking gas again so we dropped it off at Dale's.
Everything was A-OK and Kevin even got the afternoon off
today. He took me to the auto place and came back here. He told
me he was going to hang out with Mike and I was like "that's
fine."
Jenna
was talking about how her and her beau just hang out and don't
make a big deal about it and for some reason, that has comforted
me a great deal. Plus in the immortal words of Marlin Manson
"I'm not in love, but I'm going to fuck you, 'til someone better
comes along."
Wednesday
May 24, 2000
I woke
up this morning with Jenna calling. "Let's go to Lynn's
for old time sake."
We hung
out at the Hideaway last night until I grew uncomfortable
from Colin's father saying shit to me about never seeing his
kid. Whatever happened between him and Melissa doesn't really
concern me. I don't care to get in the middle of it but I wish
they could at least be amiable to one another because I know
how much it sucks having parents that are selfish.
Anyway...
we hung out and sat and drank and caught up on old times. I
had trouble motivating myself today. I had a phone interview
at 2:00 and that went very well. The guy had already looked
through this site and didn't freak out about it at all, which
is always a comfort. I may just have a job... but it would require
me to move to Jacksonville.
"How do
you describe Jacksonville?"
"Well,
it's kind of like a mini Orlando."
"Yeah
but instead you all have the Navy!" I exclaimed.
I rather
like to fantasize about working down there. Bob said it was
beautiful and that is where L&N (Louisville and Nashville) picked
up and moved to oh so long ago. They were the train company
here in town.
So there
is that. And there is Jenna. And there is Jacinta. And Kevin
and I are chit chatting every once in a while. I have very few
complaints about the way in which my life is moving at this
moment in time. Except for my fucking elbow.
So Jenna
and I hung out this morning and I came home and took a nap and
Jacinta called me this evening and we went around Cherokee Park
for a walk and that was very nice. Got to watch some beautiful
boys play basketball in the park.
Part of
me feels like going out tonight too, but I think I should lay
off. I want to photograph Jenna though because she always gives
good head. I don't think I have taken many bad photos of her
and she is carefree without having to be inebriated. I think
of all the people I have photographed Jenna and Jacinta are
my favorites. I need to start thinking about doing some sessions
of them soon. Jenna asked that I take some nice arty photos
of her so I am very excited.
I also
subscribed to Nerve
today so maybe I can get some exposure there. We will see.
Maybe
I can work on some Flash stuff tonight... but now I feel like
an owl and I want to go out drinking and I want to go out and
have a good time. Jenna is really good for that because she
is always in the mood to be a party girl.
I suppose
that is one great thing about going back and reading through
my diary... I realize who I have really had a great time with
and although Zack is littered through there, I still can't get
over his petty betrayals. Maybe one day it will all be worked
out, but the wounds are pretty deep and I would have to realize
that I can't hold him close to my heart unless I wish to suffer
the burns.
So today
was a good day!
Thursday
May 25, 2000
Did you see what I have been working on?
Saturday
May 27, 2000
I think
I forgot to put money in my account... Cie la vie.
Poppa
cut his fingers almost completely off on Thursday. He made me
look at them today. I really wanted to fucking puke. He cut
his middle one almost completely off and as I type these words
I get more nasuated when I have to use my middle left finger.
I called
my sister last night and my brother in law said "Did you hear
what happened to Pop?"
My heart
started racing, I was prepared to freak the fuck out and then
Lesli was like... "Oh, he cut off his finger... he may lose
the tip to one."
Then I
was like... WTF? I think I can deal with him losing a fucking
finger.
They were
happy to see me and we all. There were these two women there
and Anne. Anne still has a fucking bug up her ass but ask me
if I give a fuck anymore. These two women were fucking awesome.
Their grandmother and my great-grandfather were siblings so
they were out and about and wanted to meet some of their relatives.
They had no idea how friendly Ed and Geraldine were. And then
I found out something really interesting. Supposedly I am related
to Charlagme through my grandfather. All this genealogy shit
freaks me out... and for some fucked up reason it also pleases
me too. It's nice to know some of my strong character can be
traced way, way back... so I come by my personality honestly.
Well,
I am going to go. Kathy and Ed went to Tuscany today and I am
in charge of their mansion and the wild pissing cat. "Don't
leave the mat on the floor or he will pee all over it."
God...
it's weird going into another room and being completely alone.
I need a house this big...
Sunday
May 28, 2000
Jacinta
spent the night last night. That was nice. We were sitting around
with Mili talking and enjoying a drink. It's so calm here. Plus
the weather has changed and it's really chilly here now.
In
my solitude... I think I should go get my Billie Holliday
CD.
It's kind
of nice having so much space. I think when people are crammed
together in small living spaces they tend to get on each other's
nerves. In a way... you can think of space a freedom. I have
the freedom to move about and do what I want to. I don't have
to hang out with anyone but myself.
We went
to a bar-b-que today. Jacinta and I paired up for the egg toss.
For each time we tossed the egg to the other person we both
had to take a step back. Everyone was breaking their eggs. Jacinta
and I were the winners and I almost thought it was a hard-boiled
egg but then I hit it against my forehead and it broke in my
hand.
Michelle
and her girlfriend Jo were having the Bar-B-Que and they even
had these really fucking cool prizes. For that one, we both
won these really cool chairs that you can fold up. There are
these drink holders in it and even has a foot rest. The next
game the prize was a bottle of wine.
The clouds
threatened a storm all day but nothing came of it except for
a few brief sneezes. The food was great, the company was diverse
and it was a really good time.
I want
to write something deep and really revealing but I'm not in
the mood. I think I am going to enjoy the silence...
Monday
May 29, 2000
Today
has been awesome. Mili and Jacinta are in the other room giggling
and dancing. I love to watch them dance.
I am supposed
to teach Dreamweaver tomorrow... but I don't think I am going
to have any students.
Amy gave
me some work to do... that was nice.
Kevin
came over and utilized Ed and Kathy's grill. Thedore's Elizabeth
just got back from a month of white water rafting in Utah. She
fucking rocks! I mean... what kind of ovaries do you have to
have to do that kind of shit? I mean I know I have heard of
people dying from that shit.
We talked
about our families. It was weird.
Kevin
made 3 kinds of meats. Pork chops with a Jerk marinade, Halibut
and Mahi Mahi with a mango something or another and Tandori
chicken. It was all delicious as usual. I don't think anyone
can cook as good as Kevin. For sides there was corn, cous cous,
a spinach salad, asparagus, green onions and I am sure I am
forgetting something.
For desert
Elizabeth and Theodore brought some of those Pepridge Farm cookies
and we squished ice cream in between. I never thought to make
my own ice cream sandwiches.
I got
to talk to Ang tonight and Granny called as well. I can't believe
my birthday is going to be Thursday. Oh god...
Anyway...
Jenna came by last night and that rocked. We sat around drinking
red wine and talking. We also watched Pulp Fiction. That
movie gets better each time I see it. I have to head for the
hills... it's past my bedtime.
Tuesday
May 30, 2000
Should
I be kicking and screaming about my impending birthday on Thursday?
Should
I be crying today because I feel like I hurt Matt and Susan's
feelings for something I thought might have offended them? Have
I behaved in ways to pissed them off or am I just being stupid
and overtly sensitive?
Sitting
and having my hair done today I almost started crying to Kimmy.
I feel
like I might have written something to piss off my friends that
wasn't meant to piss them off but to try and make myself understand
that I have thoughts in my psyche that have carried into my
adulthood that I am ashamed of having.
Or did
I just not get enough sleep? I think it's the sleep. And I am
PMSing. And I am freaking out. And naturally I miss my mommy
because we always used to celebrate my birthday and then hers
was next.
Andy too
me to the Spaghetti Factory tonight and our waiter's
mother and grandmother came in and he sat down to kiss him and
he was murmuring sweet words to his mother and I almost started
crying. Sometimes I feel like I will never finish grieving because
there is always something new to grieve.
I went
to Danville today again, trying to get rid of my piece of shit
Le Mans (naturally I had a phone call about it when I got home).
I drove out to Lesli's and she wasn't home so I assumed she
already took off. I left and took the long way to get to I-64
and it was SUCH a beautiful morning. There was a low mist and
low clouds hanging in the air diffusing the light so everything
looked mystical. I kept looking for horses so I could stop and
take their photos and when I did, I went to get up on a bank
and twisted my left ankle that still has that fucking broken
bone in it. I winced in pain, yelled "Fuck" and a few other
obscenities and went on my way. Now my ankle is pounding and
swollen.
I got
to Danville and pushed Big Mouth Billy Bass and that made me laugh a lot.
The day
wore on and at one point Poppa said of Momma "She couldn't even
keep up with her driver's license." I wanted to start wailing
because I never know where mine is. All my friends can attest
to that because I haven't gotten into bars before because I
will put it in my pocket. I can't tell you how many times I
have been pulled over and didn't have it on me either.
I rode
back with Lesli and we went to get Nate and he came screaming
out of school "AUNT CATHY!" And I picked him up and swung him
around until I was afraid I was going to be too dizzy to stand
up.
So it
was kind of an emotional day.
I'm PMSing
like a bitch. I hate that my emotions can take me on such a
fucked up roller coaster ride.
I hate
that the older I get it seems like I miss my mother more and
more. I hate to listen to people bitch about their mothers because
at least they have a reason to bitch. I know I bitched about
my mom when she was alive but I'm beginning to remember her
face when she would show concern and anger and pleasure and
I honestly miss my mommy looking at me and telling me I am beautiful
because even though I have to remember to tell myself that a
lot, it still doesn't mean anything to me.
Maybe
I am just being too critical of myself. Maybe everything is
as fine as it could ever be and that's that. But I still want
my life to keep getting better and in order for me to understand
myself to a greater degree, I have to examine and accept all
the parts that make me who I am... even if I don't always like
what they are.
Wednesday
May 31, 2000
As I clutch
firmly to the last moments of my younger hour I think about
the special I saw on TV today... something on PBS with
Alan Alda. He was talking about how they are figuring out that
one day we can live to 150.
Jenna
said "Ewww... I would hate to live that long."
"Yeah..
and when you are 110 I'll be looking at you and say 'Remember
that time you said you didn't want to live forever?'" If I live
that long then it doesn't make me feel so bad about enjoying
myself now.
It was
a pretty interesting day. I woke up around 11 and plucked and
primped. Painted my toenails with a fresh coat of Merlin's
Flame and used a mask.
I found
out Matt and Susan are not pissed at me at all and if they were
they would tell me. I think of all the things Joe Bironas has
done to me that is the one good thing he has done for me because
I consider them an oasis in this fucked up city. I think I was
just PMSing really hard and freaking out about everything in
my life.
I swear
to God sometimes I am such a spaz. I am probably not the greatest
person to be friends with because I can be so neurotic sometimes
but of all people Matt and Susan have never done a thing to
hurt me, which is a first. I feel like that's the way friendships
should be but then I freak out and start thinking that maybe
I did something wrong.
There
used to be this TV commercial that had an adult yelling at a
child and the kid asked "Did I do something wrong?" it would
break off into a jingle "Have you hugged your kid today... did
you send him on his way... with love, love, love love love."
I think it was when I saw that commercial and could identify
with that kid because I invariably always did something to piss
my father off and for some reason I feel today that if I don't
get a reaction or if I don't see someone or hear from them that
I have pissed them off.
Child
abuse is fun! The psychological effects never seem to leave
you and they haunt you in ways you can never imagine. Maybe
I should go deep into my psyche and give that little girl a
hug, even though she was a she and not a he.
Let me
just say that dial up connections suck... better yet they should
be outlawed.
