There
is a big fucking needle in my left hand. It hurts so much
that it hurts to type. Florent is next to me. It was not
an easy night.
She loved her photos. I was impressed with
myself as well. If this was to be my last photo shoot and
they leave me blind it was worth it.
The perfect
body. The perfect attitude. She made it so much fun. I wish
I could do 4 of these a week. Then I could afford to live
out here. I think my price went up after having to pay all
the processing.
I also
finished up Richard's site. I
spent most of my weekend updating the site.
Meeting
with her was awesome too.
I woke
up early this morning so that some dude could photograph
me. I hope some of them turn out.
I wish
I had a bunch to write about but with this needle in my left
hand and the drugs in my system I'm ready for bed. I wish
I could write and write and write but I am too tired. I can't
believe this day has finally come.
Wedbesday
February 5, 2003
That
wasn't so bad. Ase is my nurse. she rocks.
Monday
February 3, 2003
I
woke up feeling slimy and greasy breaking out in sweats,
chills and a fever. Bacterial Meningitis was to be my new
known pleasure. Another 2 days in ICU. Weak and battered
my soul was on fire. I sunk in deeper into the misery knowing
that there was somehow sick relief in the drugs. The first
round I developed a rash but Zenni didn't catch it. I guess
if you can only be disappointed in someone one time that's
saying a lot because if it were for a lot of her TLC those
days would have been hell.
Florent
coming to the hospital as a writhe. He's got to find a job.
It's critical at this point. I don't feel like making it
much longer if things continue. Too much stress, too immature
and too fucking broke. I dream of having babies already,
however finding enough room in the car for a baby now scares
me.
At
least I can think with some what of a clear mind and say
he's been there for me when I needed him the most. I wish
the depth of my emotions were not as complex as they are
abundant and I could throw away all the resentment and pain
but deep down there is still more fear. Another letter from
a mother last night whose 8 year old son has the same symptoms
I did. He was fenestrated as well only to have his come back
the size of a lime. Naturally this disturbs me because I
can only hope that mine does not come back.
It
totally broke my heart. Makes me realize even if I am doing
well for the next 15 years (please god...) that there is
still a lot of work that needs to be done. I need to get
all the stories together. I can't imagine the relief only
being temporary. Still 4 mgs of Morphine and 1000 mgs of
Vicodan take the edge away nicely. My face is already taking
on a softer edge. I am sure I have lost a ton of weight then
again, probably not.
Ghastly
is the term I would use for my saucer wide eyes and soft
hanging flesh. An aberration of who I used to be. Who am
I becoming?
Sleep...
I need some sleep now. Lulled into the seductive draw of
the drugs. Frightened of what's to come now that the worst
is hopefully over. Praying that my "unusual anatomy" and
how Dr. Kelly had to puncture the cyst 3 times above the
pituitary gland will allow it to have collapsed nicely making
it virtually impossible for it to re-inflate.
And
babies. I want a baby. That's the first thing I thought of
when I woke up and felt that my life had changed.
Monday
February 10, 2003
The
twist to Joe Millionaire is that Zora is a Millionaire herself.
I
am so fucking high now. My room mate's husband brought a
blunt. HOLY FUCK. Morphine, Vicodan, pot... I am so fucking
loaded. Now I remember why I like this.
They
want me to leave the hospital. They want to put a pic line
in. I didn't like the idea from the start. BP 119/69. Is
that low or high?I don't know what's going on... I'm so fucking
high. I am not going to leave this place. I would rather
go somewhere else to recover so I can feel better. I don't
know why they didn't flush the mucous membrane with sterile
saline before they cut. I should ask them if they did that.
The
other chick I talk to all the time that has her AC told me
some of those pic lines have busted in her arm. Gross. I
do not need something going into my heart. Gross.
Rita
basically told me that I couldn't go back to her place to
heal today. I guess she doesn't want the liability. I am
going to have to just either stay here or chill in a convalescent
home.
Oh
great. Just what we need. Some bullshit morality ending to
The Jungle Book. Fucking Blow me. I could vomit.
I
am allergic to Vancocin. I broke out in a rash and was a
little pissed that Zinny didn't figure out that until the
next day. They were going to let me out of ICU and then the
doctor noticed I had a rash. Things don't get done around
here unless you bitch. I just pulled out a chunk that is
a part of the big bloody booger that permeates my face.
I can now see the underlying scar peeking from it's freshly
pink healing skin.
I
have been awake all day. I hope to god that I can keep up
the stamina. I feel like a god damn bull. I wish I could
go home but now I know that's not realistic.
I
am learning so much. Lorelei told me that when you see a
black and a white together that the black one is coping drugs
for the white. Holy shit. This is the most valuable education
I am getting. She is learning that you won't get anything
done if you don't bitch (expert bitchier here) and I am learning
the true ways of LA.
I
have a TV in my face. The floors are NASTY. The nurses suck.
If you see one for longer than 10 minutes you are lucky.
Some of them are cool but they are not the Phillipanos. I
have fresh sheets. Thanks God I can't smell how nasty it
is in this room. Buzzy wants me the fuck out of here but
I am honestly too afraid to have that fucking line put in.
She was cross with me when she told me to put the fucking
pic line in. But she also can't take care of me and I honestly
don't feel up to freaking out and having that shit in my
arm.
YUM!
The morphing meningitis diet. My favorite. I think I have
lost close to 10 pounds now. My legs look like they are annexoric.
My face is smaller. I think I could be a morphine Junkie
for a while longer. I could stand to lose the weight.
Tuesday
February 11, 2003
Morphine
does a body good.
Lumbar
punctures don't. MRIs 2 hours after a spinal tap suck even
more. Vancocin I detest. My arm is bruised from the center
and apexes like a diamond. A bruised looking suicide attempt.
Lorelei
and I have been talking and talking and talking. She is the
most amazing person I have met. We have talked about racial
issues, having the touch, all kinds of things. 3 kids 3 grand
kids.
Today
sucked. I slept a lot and was in a ton of pain.
Dr.
Kelly tried to get me to leave today and finally Florent
had to tell him I had no where to go. Buzzy wants me to chill
with her but I think they are going to have blow more of
my veins until I can't take it anymore.
Florent
was here. I told him not to come but he came anyway.
I
think we might head for the hills. Go home for a while until
this terrorism shit runs its coarse. Figure out what I am
going to do. OK.. time for bed.
Wednesday
February 12, 2003
My
fucking god. Last night I think my nurse stiffed me my meds.
Friday
February 14, 2003
Sad
and broken hearted already.... I cried for the first time
yesterday which was the biggest mistake of my life. The docs
moved in a craniotomy patient from ICU and then she went
home. She had about 15 people with her when she got here.
The
doctor from Iran tried to shove it in my face but he wasn't
fucking with the center of her brain just the outside.
I
agreed to the pic line because Wednesday night my veins were
on fire from the vanvcocin and I can't stand not typing.
Crying
really allowed me to feel the true pain. My mengenes started
to get more swollen on top of the meningitis and I felt the
scar tugging behind my optic nerves like a person fine tuning
an string instrument. I would love to go home but I know
no one can afford to feed me or anything right now.
I
go downstairs with Jose to get high. I feel more myself that
way because it really eases the pain.
I
miss Lori a lot which is one of the reasons I was crying.
Florent missed a telephone interview because of me but his
phone has been turned off anyway. When they put the pic line
in I started wailing. I think everything just hit home yesterday.
Irrational, confused and bewildered I felt so isolated and
alone. Florent only bought me a lock to my computer and that's
all he brought. Lori dropped off 2 more DVDs. In total I
have watched Enough, Blind Date Uncensored, Crossroads
and the Long Kiss Goodnight. I
was happy to find out that the Long Kiss Goodnight was one
of Lori's faves too.
I
decided I am going home to Kentucky for a while to heal.
That way Florent can get his shit together. I don't think
I should have to be the one to leave but he can't take care
of me any longer and I have no desire to wait around for
him right now.
I
can use the Granny time. I started to mourn Poppa the other
day when I told Lori the only reverse racist jokes I knew
that he told me. All his jokes are gone. I don't want to
think too much about it because I do not care to feel like
crying again now.
Lori
also brought in some Red Vines which have been delightfully
consumed as opposed to the potatoes, mashed potatoes and
beets from yesterday. There are flowers out in the other
main place
and I think they are mine from Lesli but there is no card.
My daffodils that Marina brought me are sad with their departing
life as they cling here like me.
I
feel wiped out. but at least now I can breathe through my
nostrils. Blackened, bloody phlegm knocks around the back
of my throat as I rattle away lugies.
I
hate how they are trying to rush me out of here but I hate
even more that I have to spend Valentines day in the hospital
but it's not like I have that many sweethearts out there
that are kind or generous enough to write me a poem.
Holly,
one of my favorite nurses here, got a gift from Tiffany's
yesterday. It's a necklace that looks like a dog collar with
a heart. It's so pretty. She just doped me up. I wish I had
my camera to take photos of the sun coming up.
I
also wish... oh shit I forgot. I wish I would have had a
DVD collection so I wouldn't have been so fucking bored or
I could have stolen one.
How
am I going to pick myself up again?
Saturday
February 15, 2003
My
Arms hurt too much to type so I am going to keep a long-
hand journal and when I can type again write it all out here.
I
got a plant of Yellow Roses for Valentine's day. Jen came
by today. Lots to write about but not like this.
Sunday
February 16, 2003
Just
like any person would do I am making an assessment of my
life in the aftermath. The Good Year Blimp teases me with
freedom outside my window. Tomorrow makes 2 weeks I have
been here. I want so desperately to go out for a while and
naturally the biggest roadblock in my life sits reading the
paper.
Is the grass that greener on the other side?
Granny
is waiting for me. She wants me to be well enough to travel
but in our daily conversations she tells me how she would
love to care for me. That's the most important thing to me
right now. I think I have learned that I am not grown up
enough the way I want to be. There are still things that
she can teach me.
Wednesday
February 19, 2003
I'm back in ICU. I am not happy about that.
Life is taking it's twists and turns.
I was busted for getting high. They said something about me getting high in ICU.
When the worker showed
up I was like "Getting high in ICU?" I am sure they
blame Florent but it was not him. I think he was just kicked out of the unit
for being a jack ass.
His computer was stolen.
There is an ackline
taste in my mouth from the CSF that is leaking.
Olive is my nurse I believe. I forgot what I was going to say.
I pissed Granny off the other day. Anne was telling me all the shit and then I totally wigged. It made me wonder after my thoughts cleared that she didn't do it on purpose.
I think she did.
I swear she will never learn to shut the fuck up about and begin so negative.
Everthing... she hasn't learned to let it all go. I know partially it's
so ingrained in her character but I'm sure she could do something about
it if she wanted.
I got her and Josh
to start talking. I think it might work out between them. Or at least
I can hope again. She is desperate to get married. She likes that he
hasn't done drugs. I don't know why she is so against drugs considering
when she was 16 she was hooked on dilated.
Ase is here. I hope she is my nurse for the night.
I had a fever this
am. It was 101.9. It made my meneges hurt and then I took my Tylenol
and the fever was knocked.
Dominic is my nurse
for the graveyard shift. I smell horrible because I didn't bathe.
This thing rammed
up my spine causes "low pressure" headaches. I feel like
my eyes don't have enough juice to move around.
Jonathan recommends
that I search for the American Music Club and Morphine.
Dom was telling me
how Zinny was an instructor at his university before he came here 7 years
ago. A lot of the nurses immigrate from the Philippines.
That bitch Jennifer
gave me a heparin shot just underneath my skin. I think she was pissed
at me because I thought she took my pen (It was in Florent's pocket and
there were no pens to be had in the ward).
Dom told me that when you give shots like that it's going to hurt more because of the nerve endings that are there.
Morphine, benedryl, and yeast infection stuff. That's what I'm awake for now.
I can't believe I was busted for getting high. And they said it was in the ICU. What a fucking joke.
It's 5 o'clock in the morning. I gave Florent head the other day in the library. That was kind of nice. I know it made him very happy.
I hate that I am
stuck here another 4 days. I'm like one of the only conscious patients
that is.
I thought I made it through the wilderness. Somehow I made it through. My brain started leaking so my ass is back in ICU.
I'm so fucking bored.
The worst thing about being here... is there only one reason I'm not
going to be free. One fucking month wasting away in ICU. Happy Happy
Joy Joy. I'm so glad I was insistent on NOT leaving. I would have hated
to have been somewhere else and have to go through the ER and all that
jizz.
One of the nurses told me she was going to wash my breathing apparatus and she didn't. Now I've got shit in my lungs. I think that's
Thursday February 20, 2003
I'm reading Imperium. Erik, Buzzy's land lord told me it was the one book to read. It's all about Russia so you know I am thrilled.
Ironically on page 20 he discusses boarders and discusses the spine. I have no boarders which is dangerous.
One sneeze and 5 more days in ICU with a tube that electrocuted me as it was inserted made me realize that a nursing instructor was telling her students how the brain and spinal cord have their own systems within the body. Feeling the tube go in my spine shot so much pain I could not believe.
Jonathan had to stab
me several times. Called me a trooper.
"What choice do I have?" I
answered knowing the only way to heal the CSF leak was to have another
spinal, my 2nd.
Talk about a shame.
I would have liked to have met him 2 years ago. He's just been married
that long... I thought that love could conquer all however I'm not feeling
that way any longer. I don't know what to do about my relationship but
I do have some new found strength. I feel more confident about a lot
of things.
Granny is on my mind and how she fussed at me after Anne made me freak out . I've gotten the most. Lesli never asked for anything. What a lie. She got that ring that's worth so much money because she didn't want Thomas to have it.
I wanted to tell
her what I figured out just before momma died. That you have to adjust
yourself according to the child and their needs. Granny started telling
me about all the money she'd spent on me but I didn't get a chance to
say anything about all the money I had spent on her too nurturing our
relationship.
There was a lot of time and effort spent on making her feel special and now she doesn't feel that way at all.
Thinking about Lesli makes me sick. She doesn't give a fuck about me and I feel continues to treat me with the same contempt as she did when we were children. She to all these wonderful things for Christmas and when I could use her help the most she can't even fucking call me back.
I knew there was
a reason I left Ky. but I could never figure out why. When I get back
I'm going to sell what shit I have there and then leave for good. I do
not need a chocolate Chest. I do not need a lot of things I have rotting
in storage.
Granny is so worried
that I'm going to "beat" my creditors. Why the fuck
does she care if I beat them? I could do that or just leave the country for
7 years. I wanted to spend some time with her but I don't feel like it now.
I want my life to take off but I also feel the pull towards her comfort and
simplistic joy.
Friday
February 21, 2003
It's like 5 am. I had to pee and get my shot and now I can't sleep. I feel the bitch inside of me was stabbed into life.
My finger glows red like ET's.
My head hurts like the way only having a spinal tap and brain surgery can make it hurt.
So many thoughts. I hope to God that when my diary is published it becomes as wildly popular as I dream because my dreams are the only things holding me together.
I'm too hurt, angry and resentful for things to be any other way.
Florent came by unexpectidly
last night. I realized within myself how much I love him.
All the struggles. All the strife. It's all worth it because I know when I see him or am near him my life is complete.
He's trying to develop a wireless game engine. I hope he is successful so we can get out of this shit. I'm sick of living with a 300 pound baby.
* * *
My imagination is afire. This book,
Imperium, is just what the doctor ordered. As they stood around
my bed today giving an update to one I hadn't seen yet. Jonathan held
my book up for the others to read. I'm not the average patient.
Dr. McBride, the new
one, asked if I was writing poetry and I answered it was my journal.
It's to these ladies and gents I owe the highest sense
of gratitude to. They are the ones that have made me "better"
I found out today I also have titanium in my head. A fat, metal air head. ha ha ha.
I hate the bed pan. It's the worse. My ass gets soaked with urine and it's not so easy to wipe off.
I can't wait to be out of here.
Buzzy came by and
woke me from a frightening dream. The red head from "that 70's Show" was
in a werewolf movie and we were about to see the werewolf come out when she
nudged me back into reality. I gave her her pooka shell necklace and then
gave her the necklace I made for her B-day which is tomorrow.
She leaves for Denver
on Monday. She got books on tape and all kinds of things.
She is excited to get out of town. When she called Flo this AM she told me Rita was like Darth Vader on the phone, thirsty for updates. I guess it's a good thing she didn't want me back at her place because I don't think I would have liked the results of my sneeze there.
I was surprised to see my husband last night. I realized how much I truly love him.
I dream about us making our own way on the trans-Siberian RR this summer on my French passport.
Saturday February 22, 2003
I'm awake. Flo came by to see me and started fussing at me because I said I missed my computer and then bitched at me more because Jen came by.
What can I say?
I'm upset my computer
was stolen too. It was my first computer.
And Jen... we...
I need her now or at least it's nice that she is close and I don't understand
how he can be such a pig.
I slept as soon as he left because he wore me out and made my temperature hike over 99. That was around 10.
I have another hour before I can gas up on morphine again.
I keep thinking about the slimy feeling I had before they diagnosed my meningitis. It was the strangest disease I have ever faced.
But not as gross
as the mossy feeling of having CSF leaking down the back of your throat.
Bleck.
Antion Coournot said we do not resolve difficulties, we only displace them.
- I feel robbed and cheated
- Morally defeated
- Emotionally bankrupt
- Warmonger set up
- Intellectually stagnant
- A pain Magnet
- Can't you see
- The life sucking out of me
- Paying for crimes
- Wasting my time
- Stealing my life
- Causing me strife
Reality is a social constitution. My shadow agrees with me.
Too bored to watch TV (coupling @12), eat, sleep, or do anything. My head aches from its new pains.
Heidi came by to see me last night. It made me feel wonderful. Josh and Marshall are to be here shortly.
Hussein laughs every time he sees Botox because that's how he's running America.
* * *
I've shit in my bed.
One of the MOST unpleasant things about being in ICU, besides the lack of
privacy, is the loss of self- sufficiency.
I can't go into how degrading it is to have someone else clean up your shit. I'm sure some people would get off on it but not me. It's utterly humiliating.
One of my neighbors is leaving. A woman that had a blood clot in her leg.
By far the worst one of us that I have kept a keen interest in is Cheryl. She had a stroke around her brain stem. I glance over at her often and catch her glossy eyes trying to regain something that has been lost deep in the recesses of her mind. Her family is huge and loving.
Rhonda, her sister, and I have conversations about God and Cheryl's progress.
I wanted to die the other
day when they were installing her trake, doing a doppler of the Spanish lady's
led which sounded like a dying cat and doing Vic's Pic Line.
It was sensory overload.
Vic had brain surgery and so did the girl to my left.
The girl to my left reminds
me of a monster from a flick. "Her face is non-symmetrical" One of the clan
of doctors pronounces. She has little comprehension of English. Her head
is bandaged like a mummy and her efforts to raise the headpiece make her
look all the more preposterous like a bobbing head basket-ball doll. She
hocks lugies and sucks them out of her mouth with the suctioning tube. Oh
so glamorous.
My deepest curiosity
is to see what exists beneath her bandages.
Her mother is MIA much like my friends. I'm sure the nurses wonder where my hubby is during the day.
Her father is ever doting and has been here ever since I opened my eyes 3 weeks ago in this same room. His comprehension of English is worse as he pretends to understand.
Of all the people she scares me the most.
Another morphine shot
is sending me to palokaville. I farted in my bed today and was despondent
to discover the sickening yellow stain.
Thank God I am not longer on the IV as it was causing me to piss every 2 hours.
I'm counting the hours now. The chase is on and I can't wait to be delivered from this beeping nightmarish hell for the screaming one of Rita's nightmares. I wish Buzzy would let me stay at her place while she's in Denver but she already said no.
I wonder what life will be like when I can return to a full night's rest.
* * *
Come Undone is blaring on the radio. I'm bored. I want to go home. Another night stuck here kills me.
Buzzy is leaving tomorrow.
* * *
Amongst the beeping, creeping,
sleeping, whining and crying I somehow seemed to finish "Miss Wyoming." Zack
gave it to me to read when I left Chicago.
It was too much to bear reading about the plane crash as my plane was leaving Chicago.
I thought about what a little fucker Zack was to do that.
- Streams of inebriation
- Flow through my veins
- Continuous Movement
- Seduces me again
- Once upon a time I was sick
- Now I am well
- Deep, clear, refreshing,
- Morphine clouds my brain
- like billowing waste out of a choo choo train
- The smells around me offend
- Unlikely to tickle my senses again
- I'm a new wife
- With a sparkling life
- Awaiting to be ship-shape
- My mind's agape
- From Industrial Waste
- And words flow so easy from my pen
- My life is mine to conquer
anew
- Thoughts, feelings, sensations gently coo
- Wonderment, Amazement my life is surreal
- It's utterly amazing all that I feel
- Not once or twice but so many times
- with no rhyme or reasons
- My life is mine
Monday
February 24, 2003
I
fixed my journal this morning.
I
started lactating yesterday. Florent started rubbing on breasts
and said "Why is my hand wet?" I pulled up my shirt
and then squeezed my nipple and my milk shot straight up.
It totally
made me laugh. It totally grossed him out. I told Chris on
the phone that I was lactating and he told me how he
thought that was so hot and he couldn't wait for Jen to drop her milk so he could
taste it. Then I told him that the morphine would come through
in the milk so he's going to look into borrowing a breast
pump.
Florent took me to the grocery store yesterday and then out for a bite to eat. When we got back here I laid down and fell asleep for 4 hours. Florent just waited for me and then when I woke up he left.
I couldn't
get over how going out exhausted me. I think meningitis is
much worse than mono. I feel like it's going to take forever
for me to get over this stuff which is another reason I am
excited to go to Kentucky.
I talked to Marina this morning and she cheered me up. Told me how Lonny was waiting for her naked to do his Valentine's day dance. Then they went out to the Santa Monica Pier and rode on the ferris wheel. She offered for me to stay on the boat which was totally sweet but totally unrealistic although I could stay there during the day and hang out.
I told
Zack before he left for Hawaii that it would snow so bad
on his way back that he would have to stay in LA for the
night and have to come see me. Judging by all the snow and
mess on TV I wasn't off. The streets in NY are deserted.
There was an ice storm in Kentucky so I am still going to chill here for a while and probably head back to Kentucky in April.
Hang on a minute. I want a baby. If I don't have kids soon they might never know Granny. I want my kids to know their Granny.
* * *
It's been a really bad day. I shouldn't be typing.
Anne freaked me out about Scrubgrass, the property that has been in our family for ages. I called up Granny and started freaking out and then she read me the riot act.
I didn't earn the money so basically I didn't deserve it.
I hope
to get my diary published more and more. She said that she
hopes I don't beat my creditors and I am totally thinking
about doing it. Then she told me to be honest so if I publish
my diary I am doing EXACTLY what I have done to deserve the
money I hope to get. And at least that way I will make my
money by being honest about all the things that have happened
in my life. I told Granny how I felt like when I was there
the only time I was called was when someone needed me. I
felt used.
She basically told me that she wasn't good for anything but her stuff which broke my heart because that's not what I meant when I talked with her. This was the worst day for me to communicate nothing came out right.
I don't
think they understand how fragile I am at this time in my
life. They aren't here to see me. I should change my life
to accommodate other people?
I don't think so. I feel like I am starting all over again. It's been 15 years since I have lived with my father. My mother said it would take as many years to get over him as I lived with him.
Susan
Cary Eckman told me by the time I am my age that I would
be exceptionally psychic. I need to learn how to channel
that energy to my benefit. I sure don't feel like my life
revolves around Kentucky. I spent a lot of time and energy
in my relationship with my grandparents and for this to happen
it makes me feel like nothing was worth it. I was just a
hunk of meat as well.
Maybe I am just a spoiled brat and I don't even realize it. I would like to think that I have been grateful for everything I have ever done and all the opportunities that have been available to me but now it seems like it was just wiped away like crumbs on the counter.
I need
to worry about me. ME ME ME ME ME. I'm the one suffering.
I am the one going through hell and if people can only give
me the worst of what they have to offer then I have no business
messing with that shit. I realized today why I left Kentucky.
Chris' car blew up on his way to get Jen to come here. I was a little sad but totally understand.
I remember
the last time I was in the hospital I felt totally alone
and this time I am learning how to rely on myself. There
is another dude here, Jose, and he has told me horror stories
about his life. His family is just as fucked as mine. He
and his mother lived in the hospital for a month because
his brother kicked them out of his sister's house. He's got
a bone infection and Diabetes.
We had
a candid conversation about our lives. He knocked a girl
up when he was 15 and she was 14. His daughter is now 8.
He didn't finish his education but I am trying to encourage
him to go on to school. I need to look up the vocational
rehabilitation around here and having him get his GED and
start school.
I have a feeling I could hold classes here and help other people out.
Florent has been a good boy I must say. I feel much better about our relationship because I have finally gotten the treatment I desperately needed. I am starting to believe this is one of the prettiest free hospitals I have ever seen.
God I hope I can publish my diary. Ouch. Life is not easy when you wake up from the nuclear fallout.
