Wednesday
May 1, 2002
It's
almost Derby time. When I was 15 my dad threw us out of his
house and we were happy to be living with my mom. A lot can
change in so many years...
I am no happier than I was when I was 15. Only now I am married.
Florent told me yesterday he was fed up and he wanted to leave.
That hurt a lot but then this morning when he had an interview
for a job in Long Island and he was laying in bed being a fucking
whiney baby I came back and told him to leave. He marched off
the boat in a huff and realized that was a dumb thing to do.
He
also told me that it was always about me me me. Like I was selfish.
I couldn't take it anymore. It's hard enough just living let
alone dealing with this shit.
We had just gotten back from the hospital. I went in paralyzed.
It's amazing how fast they let you in when you look like a crip
falling out of the wheelchair. I tried and tried not to go because
I hate going to the hospital. I hate experiencing bouts of paralysis
because I am in so much pain I can't move.
Morphine does a body good. Naturally as soon as it took effect
I could move again
Thursday
May 2, 2002
Happy
Birthday Lonny
I
did it. I bought purephotography.com
and catherineparadise.com.
I smell so foul.
I
feel like I have gone out of my way to suffer. In some regards
life has never been better. In others I am just so... over it.
I need brain surgery. My family can't help me and I hate feeling
like I am dying. I'm not even 30.
I
am, however, sunburned. I stayed home and so did Florent. I
took a big pounding to the "ultimate fuck song" by
Moby and gushed like a mother fucker. I haven't "squeezed"
Florent like that in a while. We haven't really been getting
along since the other day but fuck it.
He
just called and is coming to get me. He got lost going to a
client's house. He's such an idiot about some things. I guess
it's good to realize his shortcomings. It's not like I can really
make fun of them though. I mean I am far from perfect.
That's
OK... that just gives me the chance to upload May. Do
you like what I have done with my site?
I'm
sorry I get so melodramatic sometimes but I just can't help
myself.
I
did a voice over for Hustler last night and forgot about my
dinner burning at home. I left the crock pot on warm and by
the time I got home I wanted to puke at the gruel simmering
inside my new crock pot. What a rock. All that food is going
to waste... I am sure the fishes will like it. So will the birds
because there will be more fishes!!!
The
seal was across the harbor today. IT was sweet. We took a nap
after making love. After me being angry at him for days and
ignoring his kisses or attempts to make up with me. Maybe I
have been a bitch to him... he even told me today that I need
to have my own .bitch which made me laugh so hard.
I'll
do the laundry tomorrow. Fine. I am not the one that is picking
through the dirty clothes for socks. I'm just not wearing any.
Kylie told me that I was looking like a sailor. I met some dude
named Clive. He's been with Hustler since 1976 and he told me
that Larry and Althea met him coming off the plane.
I
said "Awwww... you knew Althea? What was she like?"
"Courtney
did a lovely job of portraying her." He answered in a purring
British accent. Yep... I can see how he can be a porn director.
Some of the ones I have met have been just horrifying. Sleaziest
of the sleaze.
When
we met up with Chris he introduced me as "Catherine the
voice over star" which made me feel yummy.
Is
it always supposed to be this way? So much honey with vinegar?
Friday
May 3, 2002
I'm
sitting at home... I missed work this am and then Tyler called
me up to ask me if I could come in later. I said sure because
I hadn't bathed for days (oh my God... I 'm French!) and offended
myself with my stink.
Florent
has a cool gig with this lady. We spent hours talking last night.
She from India but I think she is getting screwed which makes
me think that maybe there are a lot of people out there in the
business world getting screwed by Quasi IT professionals. Hm...
maybe that's my gig.
I
talked to
Sunday
May 5, 2002
Happy
Cinco de Mayo
I
have a job interview tomorrow and I just got word that I would
be an apprintice to a woman that is an international recruiter
which is something I have always wanted to do.
Florent
is mad at me. We just had this amazing dinner at Jo's and I
put a roast in to cook before we left so by the time we got
home it would be ready. Jo is a vegitarian so we talked about
the finer points of meat but she has never had the sumptious
pleasure of having a filet meigon melt in her mouth when it
was cooked to perfection. She has never known how satisfying
the fat from heavy meats leave you warm and comfy inside.
So
now he won't talk to me because I "need to learn the consequences
for my actions". Today in the car he started bitching about
how it was always me first again and finally I got pissed at
him and said "YES YOUR WIFE SHOULD ALWAYS COME FIRST"
we got out of the car after screaming at one another... ok so
maybe it was me screaming but I think he likes to see me that
way. They went and played tennis and we acted happy and in love
but right now I don't feel it.
Maybe
it's because I started my period today.
I'm
sorry but sometimes I feel like keeping my energy for me. I
don't always have to have sex. Florent was bitching this morning
that we weren't having enough sex. I don't really feel like
it. I am thinking about a lot of things and realizing that there
are things about this Southern French boy that I don't always
like and then there are some things about him I will always
love. I can't stand it when he bitches... that drives me insane.
It's like I break a thought pattern because I come back at him
with the fury of a banshee in heat. Sometimes it is undeserved
and other times I think I let things bother me for so long and
I don't talk about it that when something triggers that part
of me I explode out of no where. Now here... "Katya...
do you know where no where is? Now Here." Roman coming
to me... out in the middle of Bum Fuck Ukraine...
Now
I am here. It's all starting to happen... in little bits and
pieces. This is for sure where I am supposed to be. My life
is getting ready to change. I don't know how. I feel like something
wonderful is going to happen even though I am always in such
pain.
"Nothing
I ever do or say is ever right..." he tells me...
Is
this how I feel about myself? Dr. Kloner told us how Jung felt
that we married how we see ourselves... that our argurements
were reflections we didn't like about ourselves and when I commented
on Florent still being hungry he got mad at me while I ate knowing
there was plenty more where that came from and he still is hurt
and angry with me.
There
really ain't a whole hell of lot I can do about this.
God
grant me the sernity to change the things I can
Accept the thing I can not
and the wisdom to know the difference...
Please
let me get this other job. I sent them oneopinionatedbitch.com
as one of my sites and they still want to see me. This is a
first. That means they must really like my work or they want
to see what kind of freak I am.
Florent
is trying to make up to me but I Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooed
him. We made a bet the other day that the word bastard didn't
mean something to do with a dog like he imainged. However he
was sorely mistaken to find out what the word meant I do believe.
Monday
May 6, 2002
I
look in the mirror sometimes and start singing "I'm pretty...
I'm pretty pretty pretty!" in the most stupid voice. I
am so exceptionally vain. I came to work wearing my favorite
silk skirt and my newish red top with my tits out to my nose
and my belly rounded with love handles. All the while my theme
song was "Sex Bomb Sex Bomb... your a sex bomb" by
Tom Jones going through my head. I was loving myself.
I
had the strangest interview today. Gee... I think working for
Zefer might be one of the best things that ever happened to
me in my life because they were such a huge internet company
and they did so many things in the beginning. Crazy crazy crazy.
When
I saw him my eyes dropped. I thought I was going to die. Trying
to get away from a tempting boss into the arms of another. I
fantasize still about his big arms taking me into his kissing
me passionately staring into his crinoline eyes. It gave me
the vapors. My goodness... to be fantasizing about another man...
I should be burning in hell but instead my pants are burning...
after the jacuzzi after the work out while watching fear factor.
Running, pushing, pulling, bicycling... I am doing my best to
get into better shape. Florent freaked out the other day. I
don't think he likes it. I think he's going to be jealous of
the attention. But then again the girls sure do love him. I
wonder if he fantasizes about other women that way or if he's
way too catholic.
Sometimes I think he loves me more than anything on earth and
other times I wish he would just shut the hell up. It was nice
to watch him play tennis with other people. He's finding something
he can give his attention to. I am sooooo happy. Maybe he will
start making friends. Maybe he will be more social.
I
can't play that kind of shit. Sad to say my arms are about shot.
I
came back from my interview and was freaking out because Tyler
interviewed some freak today and it pissed me off. A lot. Especially
since I do not have my dedicated server and they cut my pay
and Ryan fucked up and didn't pay me $28. I am not a happy camper
about being in the position I am in and not getting paid what
I am worth.
Tyler
told me that I could start taking calls here which made me very
happy. I can spend my mornings on the boat and in the evenings
I can work out and hopefully do the jacuzzi too. Get the benefit
of living in a spa type atmosphere. And I am listening to Diana
about being careful to work the muscles I really need to so
that if I have to I can use my muscles to some degree to keep
me doing things.
So...
My god. What a day. And it all ends in my bubble bursting and
being on an episode of Cheaters. Wow... what an imagination.
Wow... he had really big arms. Boy... if I get this other job
then I would have a new computer and probably health insurance.
That would make me extraordinarily happy. I could send my scans
to the Dr in NY and hopfully fly there on an extended holiday,
have brain surgery and then be back to work by the next Monday.
Now there is something that totally needs to happen.
I'm
going to bed... Florent has been asleep. I came home today and
the boat was a mess and he was just sitting here, naked. I got
so angry. I am sick of living in un organized chaos. He actually
cleaned up the boat. Maybe we can remember to quit wearing our
fucking shoes.
MMMMMMmmmmm
brain surgery.
Friday
May 9, 2002
How
can I have Medi-cal and get the best technology used for my
brain surgery?
I
think the best bet would be to write Larry Flint a letter and
ask him to donate a machine like that to Harbor UCLA. Do you
think that can be done? I would do anything... I would pose
anyway, I would love to write a long vivd love story and produce
it on the net.
I'm
working the split shift with Ryan today. I have painted a shitty
painting. I have worked out. I have gotten stoned. And now I
can say that I am happy I am in pain. I can talk about it so
enthuistiacally!
When
I wake up from my chemical hangover of neurontins, elavil and
weed I am a bitchy cunt. Don't talk to me. Don't kiss me. Don't
look at me until after I have checked my e-mail and took a wizz.
Even then I am pissed because there isn't a lot of food around
except we went to the grocery yesterday and I made some chili
that is drying out because it was almost overcooked. I don't
like this Rival crockpot. It's more like a crock ovan. I bet
I could bake a cake in one of those fuckers it gets so hot.
So
I didn't make it to my "new" job because I really
wasn't that prepared. I am for sure seeing a neurosurgeon at
the end of the month. The day before my birthday. I am not too
happy about this because I know the surgery I need is expensive.
I just hope I can convince other people of the necessity. I
think I might feel a lot better if this grape comes out of my
head.
We
were so close the the LACMA that I didn't feel like wasting
my time or energy going all the way out there and not do something
worth our while. We walked around staring at things... I was
in love with my husband again. He is reticent to come near me
these days. there seems to be a big change in my attitude when
I start to freak out.
I
was sitting there in the examining room by myself and I started
crying. I am so fed up. I am so exhausted. I should have done
this years ago. Now it almost feels too late. He gives me Elavil
and tells me that's all he can do for me. I start to wail when
I am in the room alone. The doctors start running in. Florent
is not far behind them. I start crying and then I start losing
control of my body. It starts shaking and the more I cry the
worse it gets. I can't calm down at first. I look at the old
bastard that probably doesn't know his ass from a hole in the
ground to try to calm myself down, hoping I have given a convincing
effect of what this fucking shit is doing to my body.
They
are standing there, watching me. I am in my body somewhere as
the pain takes over and I start shaking. Confused as hell, what
else is new? And putting my body through trauma in order to
MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND I AM SICK.
I
have a neurosurgury appointment the day before my birthday which
is at the end of this month.
I
just stared at the abstract art. Florent was running through
the gallery. I don't guess he liked it. There was an exhibit
like Pop's garage. I loved it. I wish I had a pen so I could
have defamed it with my web site.
Tuesday
May 14, 2002
I
was supposed to go work for this woman that is using Florent.
And I was supposed to do it gladly. She wrote me this letter:
Sub:
I'm willing to give you a try if you are....
Hi,
I think you are wondering if I am upset. I have a structured
business and have certain procedures in place like any other
organization.
I perceive you to have great potential to be a recruiter
as well as for marketing. So if you want to give it a try
for about 2 weeks, see if you like it, see if you make any
placements during that time, I am open.
Our hours here are 8-7 during which we can contact clients
as well as candidates. So if you can give me specific times
that you will be here, just like you would any other job,
so I can adjust my schedules and appointments rather
than wait indefinitely to know if you are coming in or not
on a daily basis, we can do something together. We can work
on the procedures together so you will know what to expect.
This is my home, and have to be very careful. . I will have
to be here at all times to let someone in.
My first goal would be to place Florent asap, so let me know.
J
I wrote
her back basically telling her that I am brain damaged and that
I am not going to give my time for free. She is supposed to
be this wonderous recruiter and all this other bullshit but
she is typical Hollywood. They don't pay for shit and they expect
people to work for free. She told Florent she would find him
a job and she made him look on Monster and Dice for a job. Big
fucking deal. I could and did do that for him. And as usual...
he fucks it up.
She told
him she wanted him out there on fucking Mother's Day, had him
working on a program for her mass e-mails and I woke up and
told him that I was very upset that she was so inconsiderate
that she didn't realize my mother was dead and that I wanted
to be with my husband on fucking Mother's Day. She was supposed
to take him to play tennis and instead went out and told him
to take the bus so he calls me up when I am with a client and
expects me to drop everything I am doing to go out to bum fuck
to find him and pick him up.
So... fuck
that. I am not dealing.
We were
laying around in bed. Florent told me he wanted to take his
wife back for one with a perfect credit rating, rich, blah blah
blah and I couldn't help it. I said it. "Fine then I want
one with a bigger dick." Oh yeah... I feel horrible now
because to be perfectly honest Florent has a perfect cock. It's
so big and when we can have sex bare back his foreskin stimulates
other parts of my vagina. It's the most amazing thing. But in
order to show domination I had to say that because now he will
feel it. I stay with him because I love him and he's so insecure.
He doesn't want me working out and I notices pockets of fat
disappearing from my body. It's the most amazhing change. I
have never felt anything like that and there is no way I would
share that with anybody else right now.
There is
a mirror situated perfectly so I can watch my face and his and
it's so hot that I can't stand it.
He may
just be an immature foreigner with a sexy body that says beautiful
things but he also puts up with a lot of shit. Today he tried
to tell me how I am several different personalities. When I
am interviewed I am a little girl when I have done everything
from be a vixen to being boring but I am always a little excited.
I don't
know. I can't imagine being with someone else right now. We
talked about having babies today. Naturally he wants a little
boy. We played with Grover... I think my Grover is older than
my husband. He was sleeping with us but he was ending up in
bad positions and that made me nervous.
I cleaned
the boat up today. I got pissed earlier and threw two bowls
in the harbor. I am so sick of him not helping me do the dishes.
I didn't smoke pot for a whole day and that was horrible. I
lost it so easily. Buzzy says I am on strong drugs and that
yesterday when we were on the beach I started flipping out.
I hate losing my mind. Really I do.
Wednesday
May 14, 2002
It's
been one of those days that is really worth living. I am beginning
to have social engagements and expectations are being put upon
me and my life is a whirlwind as usual. I can't keep up with
it some of the time. Sometimes I feel like a little girl.
I
am sad because I have wounded my husband worse than I ever could
imagine. A very close girlfriend once told me that she told
her boyfriend he had a little dick and he was just beside himself.
If you ever tell a guy that he will either leave you or love
you forever. I didn't know that was the trick. But that's not
what I said. I was responding to his shitty comments about how
he would take me back to get a wife with good credit and rich
and perfect and then I said it...
Florent
is kind of tripping. He is getting calls from recruiters all
the time now that I have been sending his resume out like crazy.
Anne is still not talking to me. She hates me forever but I
finally had to stand up for myself. I am sick of her treating
me like I am her toy. I'm not her toy I am her sister and she
needs to learn that I have changed a lot through the years and
she won't even give me a chance to be different.
She
has stayed the same. I am sad for her because things could be
different but for now I am doing what I can in order to survive.
I try to eat fresh foods. Today it was spicy pad thai and my
favorite coconut soup. It was so hot. Then I come home to roast
beef that has been stewing. Florent broght his computer here.
We have no DSL which I truely hate. Dial up is a girl's best
friend.
I
finally took a shower tonight. I should have last night but
I went and worked out in the gym. Today it was the Jacuzzi.
I showed Buzzy my watercolors I have been painting. She was
happy for me. She was very proud and very awesome company as
usual.
I'm
really trying hard not to lose my mind but we had some customers
today that drove me crazy. Part of it was my fault. The guy
lost sturgishighschool.com and now they are known as sturgishigh.com...
which really makes me laugh. sturgishs.com would have been better
but I am sure those kids will always get a kick out of that.
I know I do.
oh
well.
Tyler
is so good at customer service. I was amazed at how he handeled
the situation.
Florent
has an interview on Friday. I hope to God he gets the job.
I
asked him tonight what he wants to do. He kept telling me he
was too small. I think he has these moods in order for me to
placate his ego. I'm not really goos at that. I am sorry but
I can't deal with minor crisises right now. I'm taking care
of myself.
So...
onward and upward as they say. Maybe I can't do a lot of things
like I really want to but I hope I can get a few things done.
Sunday
May 19, 2002
I
feel like a Mamita. We don't do anything anymore. We are so
boring. I made soup. I painted. I did the dishes. We made love
after I feel into the ocean.
Florent
was stinking, as usual, and I wouldn't touch him all day because
for one we got into a fight about going to church this morning
because I actually wanted to go. At one point I threw a piece
of bread at him and then he threw his wallet in my face and
it really fucking hurt. I was appalled. I continue to be appaled
on a daily basis and I feel insulted and disrespected but it
somehow all comes back that I am ungrateful and selfish and
posessive and violent.
I
was so happy when Florent left today because that meant I got
to spend the day by myself and do whatever the fuck I wanted
to do. I started off reading the book Elizabeth sent me that
she edited, Transforming the Disciplines. I picked it
up and the first essay I read was by Dr. Elieen John who tried
to teach me logic, poor thing.
I
thought of her so many times in the past never forgetting her
request for the URL I did my paper on so long ago... Friday
night we went to Lonny and Marina's. Correnia was there and
so was Buzzy and Susan, a neighbor. Tyler showed up after Buzzy
left and then Tiphany came home and it was fun. I think Tyler
wants to hire her for Customer Service. Everyone is in transition.
It's so crazy to see us all together because everyone's lives
are always changing. Lony and Marina are moving to Hawaii, slowly.
Tiphany is going to Europe. We are just floating their boat.
Tyler
hired Florent. He is setting a machine up for him. He went to
a party with Larry Flint and Jenna Jameson yesterday... I am
curious to see what's happeneing.
I
talked to Dez yesterday. We try and touch base once a week.
I ask about Jen and she told me that Jen asks about me and then
we both ask her if the other one is asking about us. That is
the first time I asked if Jen asks about me. I miss her. I wanted
to go hiking after Florent and I fought and I wanted to go with
Jen and Heidi and not really talk about what happened but just
enjoy the outdoors.
What
if all this time I just had eplisy? I read about atonic seziures
where you have a seizure and then you are paralyzed from this
type of seizure. I seem to be doing much better now that I am
on neurontin but I can't imagine life without it.
I
read about women and Philosphy and concepts and it made my mind
start racing again. God how I love to be intellectually stimulated
and my how I have weaved these elaborate stories that exist
around me. So much is going on and I feel so happy but at the
same time I can't help but feel a tinge of berevement for so
many different reasons. I have so much to live for right now
that I hate to think about losing it. Did I really mean to fall
into the ocean today or did I lose my balance? The second time
it was Florent's fault Even though he will never claim it. He
pulled me too close to the boat just as I got in and down I
went again. Then he tried to pull me up on the dock and we couldn't
do it so this other guy was going to come help pull me out when
I saw he had a boat that lets you climb up it so I sawm over
there and had Florent bring me a towel and I went to the bathroom
and we had a fun shower washing each other's bodies. He smelled
so bad I didn't want to touch him. When something smells bad
it sends me signals of pain and I can't explain that to anybody.
Or I can't explain it to him.
Boy...
I have been thinking about momma. It's kind of easy now with
the home icon at the bottom of the page. I think of how we used
to play card games on Saturday nights or go to Auctions in some
of the scummiest parts of Kentucky and Indiana. She would go
on expiditions to look through antique shops for this, that
or the other. I miss that. I wish Jen and I could open up a
shop and do something like that but I don't know if it would
every work out.
Florent
is so excited about playing with Java again. I have to go now
because he needs something else for his computer. We had hot
oral pleasure and I had a couple of orgasms. I thought about
taking a photo of a clit and blowing it up so everyone could
see it's a little penis. That would be a cool photo.
Tuesday
May 21, 2002
So.
The adventure continues. I am getting closer and closer to my
birthday. I am getting closer and closer to seeing a neurosurgeon.
I am scared shitless. I don't know why but it feels so weird
right now. This is the strangest time of my life. It feels so
happening but at the same time I am so fucking scared I can't
think straight.
I
dropped off Florent at onestop. He is programming and he is
excited and scared and everything. I just hope that whatever
he does really helps and makes some kind of difference. It was
nice going to work together. That's how it originally started.
I think that was the original idea.
Anyway
I went to the grocery store and got enough groceries to last
longer than 2 days. But we have a small refridgerator so...
I love this stuff Trader Joe's sells. It's from Italy
and the first time I tried it I was in Russia and I fell in
love with the ripe tomatos. So I got that, fresh basil, some
chocolate, some bread since Florent is a bread freak, ravoli
with 4 cheeses, Brie and blinis and strawberries. Yum. We are
going to have a little feast and I found some of that Monbazillac
white wine we had a few weeks ago... although it's not the
same kind. I have been cleaning.
Can
we say PORN SITE?
I
told Miss Sula Long, the director of Hustler's Young &
Black that I would help her with her next film if she needed
assistance. She did a great job with that and maybe just maybe
we can work together to develop some kind of porn with me and
Florent. I don't think it needs to involve a lot of people but
first I need to watch. See if I could deal with that many people
being involved with my sex life.
I
know there are a lot of people out there doing all kinds of
things but I just want to have a good time and see what happens.
If I can do a little web site and make some money and then add
to it that might just rock. So.... lots is going on but it's
not always so easy to write about.
I'm
already looking forward to Friday when we can go to Lonny and
Marina's.
Wednesday
May 22, 2002
What
a shitty day. I woke up angry. I went to bed angry and I lost
it today. Florent was bugging me to find him
a clean shirt and I was freaked out and I had a knife in my
hand and was like "Can't you see IT TAKES ME JUST AS MUCH
TIME TO LOOK FOR SHIT AS IT TAKES YOU!"
I
was beside myself. I still don't know what to think. I was making
Duck Liver sandwiches with his spicy mustard and brie cheese
and truffle oil with basil on top. I sat down after I left from
there here at work because he ran off and I was going to be
dammed before I let him do that to me. I am soooooooo fucking
sick of it. I don't know if I am going through withdrawls or
what but there is something missing or I am getting ready to
start my period. Or maybe the meds aren't working right or maybe
I am just a psychotic bitch whose brain is malfunctioning.
Anyway.
I ahve to go home. Florent was talking about how he was going
to go his way and I was going to go mine and I told him I am
fine with that considering I have his wallet and ID on me and
he really can't go anywhere anyway until we talk about it. I
think I am going to check and see how much money is in Cal Fed.
Friday
May 24, 2002
We are
filming a documentary series on Sex and Sexual Health for
the BBC and are very keen to speak to Catherine E Clay and
any females who have experienced female ejaculation with a
view to perhaps setting up an interview on the topic. If you
are interested, please contact us on 310 729 2842.
YEAH! YEAH!
YEAH!
So we have
been talking and talking and talking about stuff. We still do
not trust one another very much but we can talk, fuck and work
together again. I feel very sad in a way. I hate being brain
damaged. I hate being overtly emotional and not being able to
control myself.
Marc says
he understands why I am the way I am and some of his friends
have locked themselves in loony bins lately. 3 of them. So I
am not alone. He blames it on Entropy. I haven't heard from
Julie lately. She is in my thoughts.
Well it's
about time for us to head to the boat. I could write more and
more but I just basically feel bad for losing my mind.
Sunday
May 26, 2002
Things
are still a little shaky. I am working on Rawstyle.com and over
here at Pearl's. She has retired for the evening so I am just
doing my thing.
We went
to Sunday services today at St. Monica which was interesting.
I left feeling part of the holy spirit. We left Mass and went
straight to Patton's Pharmacy to buy the morning after pill.
I have to take my second dose here soon. It's so much easier
ODing on Birth Control. We went to storage yesterday to try
and find my pills to no avail. I bet if Florent knew it was
going to cost $53 he would have paid for it himself.
We are
off to San Francisco tomorrow. Joy. Tyler wanted me to work
but I think NOT. I haven't had a holiday off and the last time
he told me "they didn't need me" I was off for a week.
Pearl had
much sound advice to give as she has been there and done that.
She was telling me about going to BH High. I can't imagine.
She was telling me how LA used to be... dinky? That you never
came out here for the fashion or the trends or anything for
that matter.
I am so
nervous about the whole BBC thing. What if it doesn't happen?
I guess it will be like the MTV thing when that didn't happen
either. But for some reason... Actually I am more pressed about
the neurosurgery thing. I can't wait to be fixed. I need to
start writing all the questions I have.
I just
took the other pill. Bleck. Florent is already asleep on the
boat, moaping because I am not with him. Maybe he will get a
good night's rest without the fucking heater.
Friday
May 31, 2002
This
has been one of the best weeks of my life. We accomplished so
much. On Monday we drove to San Francisco and slept above San
Francisco on Treasure Island. When we parked the car for the
night you could see all the way into the bay and then the fog
rolled in shortly after that.
I couldn’t sleep. I was restless and worried that we were
going to get busted for sleeping in the car because I didn’t
have Joe’s number on us and Tanya and Josh were away.
We woke up around 5 something and there was fog everywhere.
Florent woke up and started driving the car and I was just amazed
we were moving. We got to the INS early and went right on through.
For some reason, since there was an appeal on Florent’s
file he was allowed a work authorization and then I asked if
he could have advanced parole as well so we paid $220 to get
out of jail. Too bad we didn’t have a get out of jail free
card.
We were done by 10. We drove to my favorite store on 19th, the
Weston Wear store. It was closed but I loved window-shopping.
We didn’t know what to do because I made an appointment
with Dr. Ellis to be evaluated for Medical Marijuana.
We went and had a hamburger at our favorite joint in the Mission.
Whizz burger is what it’s called.
Then we went to see Dr. Ellis and that was it. He did his Internship
at U of L. He talked so god damn fast that I had the hardest
time understanding anything he said. Something about how a canniboid
molecule gets into your brain and spreads through out your issues.
I wish I had a tape recorder.
I left with my doctor’s recommendation, which cost me $225.
Then another $25 at the San Francisco Health Department where
I got my card that says I can get Medical Cannabis. We went
to Berkley to get my prescription filled.
The people there just fucking suck. I hated walking in the door
and being chastised for jay walking and this and that and the
other but I was excited and overjoyed. Florent was upset when
I came out and so was I about all the money I spent but what
can you do?
We had to pay for all that shit so we could move forward. Florent
can get EDD again and now if I get caught with Marijuana then
it won’t be a reflection on him. He was so mad when he
realized how much money we spent because of my Birthday and
now he’s got nothing to go get me something nice for my
birthday. I told him that the things we accomplished that day
were enough of a present for me.
He started bitching again about how much money the pot stuff
cost and it made me cry. After all it was my money. Plus I was
sick of hearing him tell me on several occasions that I needed
this license to carry pot. I was so frustrated when he started
bitching at me that I didn’t know how to feel or what to
think. I just kept on crying. He told me that we needed to have
a serious talk and then talked about how he was worn out. He
was running to the parking meters and then back to the doctor’s
and he was exhausted.
I told him that was fine that if he wanted to leave me now after
getting his work authorization that would be typical. I don’t
have it in me to fight very much right now.
We got back on Tuesday night around midnight and fell asleep.
I went to work the next day and the BBC called me to set up
an interview, which made me ecstatic. I squealed so much.
So I finished work and fantasized about life and what was to
come.
I called Pearl and asked her to set up that hair appointment
she was threatening me with and went there and it took forever
but by the time Simone was done I couldn’t believe how
beautiful I looked. The California sun bleaches my hair out
enough and with it being platinum it was just too much. It was
way too fake and I have been thinking about cutting it off anyway
because it looks like cotton candy and feels like it too.
I came home to the most beautiful boat. I couldn’t believe
how when it came down to it, Florent could really pull it off.
That boat was so clean I couldn’t believe it. I wish I
had taken a photo because as soon as they left Florent trashed
it all over again and there are computer parts thrown everywhere
now.
I was going to go to work last night but I was laying there
fantasizing about my impending stardom in England. I can’t
wait for the recognition.
When Lynne and Gavin showed up it was like stepping into a movie
where I felt so completely fulfilled. All that work on my site
has finally paid off in more than one way.
The questions she had weren’t as invasive as I had imagined.
They were simple and it was geared for a 16-30 audience to teach
them about sex and it will appear on BBC 3. Gavin was funny
and Lynne said that the most exciting interview she had done
so far was with me which completely flattered my ego. She was
soooo pretty too.
I wish I had kept her questions. I should have told her that
I was having problems with my brain because she had to ask me
some of the questions several times but for once in my life
I wanted to feel more special for my female ejaculation talent
than my current health problems.
The Marina actually cooperated yesterday. The clouds parted
and it was sunny and beautiful. The only thing that didn’t
cooperate were the planes zooming by overhead. I did the interview
outside and then we went inside. I told them about how I have
shot the ceiling with an ejaculation and how when I was really
excited I could soak Florent.
Then they asked him if he wouldn’t mind being taped. I
was kind of upset because he was bitching (what else is new?)
about this that and the other and once the cameras were on him
he was elated. I don’t think anything could have ruined
our 4 moods yesterday. I felt like it was magical. Gavin had
Florent hose the boat down and filmed me photographing him and
then I showed examples of how much could come out and ran the
water over my hand. It was so much fun.
I should look back to this day when the days get darker because
I have never been happier in my entire life. I am sitting here
waiting for my appointment with the neurosurgeon. Some guy with
a similar problem as me just went back and he had staples along
his hairline. He said he was doing great and that a week ago
he was blind because the growth was around his optic nerves,
which is where mine is.
He looks great but the staples were a little scary. Florent
had to go outside because it was too much for him to deal with.
We just sat here chatting like it was something completely normal
and I think it bothered Florent a lot more than it bothered
me although I am not to thrilled at the prospect of being operated
on like that.
I painted my fingernails. That was the last thing I did before
they got there and came on the boat. I was so glad when I did
because they asked me to motion with my hands the movement and
when I did you saw a pink tanned hand making the come here motion.
Wow what a week. I still can’t get over it. We are so completely
BROKE now. I don’t know how we are going to pay for all
the shit we have going on right now. I didn’t make a car
payment. I haven’t paid for storage. Insurance is due and
I have money for that but I would prefer to pay for storage.
We have to move shit out of one storage and I am going to ask
Buzzy if she wants one of the beds we have in storage since
we have two. Or at least borrow it. I am sure she would sleep
a lot better on it.
I am so nervous. I am so scared but I know everything is going
to be ok. For some reason it always is. I’m going to be
famous in England. You should have seen Lynne’s face when
I said I hit the ceiling. It’s nice to see the awe on people’s
faces.
