Saturday
December 2, 2000
Naturally
the sun has yet to rise and I am wide awake. My husband sleeps
peacefully next to me. I haven't let him sleep in since we were
married. He was complaining about it a couple of weeks ago but
there has honestly been nothing I could do. I wake up and I
start to stare at him. It makes me long for him even more. I
slowly start to kiss on his face and he arises.
Today
I am going to let him sleep as I hope that I can also fall asleep.
Last night
was stellar. It was Tatanya's going away party. She didn't realize
that it was for her up until she opened the door. She was talking
about going in the side entry and I told her we needed to go
through the front. I wasn't sure what anybody looked like so
I was freaking out and then as we walked by the glass place
she looked in and said "Hey I know that guy. And that one too."
It took her a couple of minutes and as she opened the door she
exclaimed "Katya, you didn't!"
"It wasn't
my idea!" I smirked.
She was
in heaven. She got to talk with everyone and enjoy everybody's
company but it wasn't until we went back to her place that it
got even better. She got to see just exactly why it is I married
my husband.
Through
the time we were together she would look at him at some of the
things that would come out of his mouth, look at me and marvel.
When he went outside to pee "I'm French, I don't give a shit!"
I was just like "Can you believe he is real? I told you he stepped
out of a 17th century painting and I wasn't kidding."
My husband
is the most perfect man I know. HE thinks women rule the planet,
which we do, he is kind, caring, considerate and compassionate.
So Tanya
and I were the only ones speaking Russian at the table. There
were several French people and half of everybody spoke French.
Florent was lucky in that there were some conversations he couldn't
follow which I truly envy at times.
She was
telling me of her exploits this week in Russian and later he
asked me what we were talking about because naturally when you
speak a foreign language everyone assumes you are speaking of
them. I told him and he looked at me and said "Baby, if you
want other lovers you go ahead."
It wasn't
until much later, when we got home that I turned on the Christmas
lights and looked deep into his eyes and said "I have something
to tell you. Before I met you I was starting to feel used. I
wouldn't have married you if I wanted to continue feeling that
way. The idea of sleeping with anyone else makes me sick. I
don't know how it is for a man but I think for a woman once
she has such strong emotions she doesn't wish to share this
with anyone else. So please don't tell me I can have other lovers."
I think
if he could have cried he would. "Oh baby, I am sorry. I didn't
know it made you sick.
"Oh God
I never want to say anything to hurt you. You're my angel."
I don't
know if it was the intensity of the emotion behind what I was
saying or just telling him how I felt from my heart about it.
I know it was overwhelming and just so perfect because he crawled
on top of me and made wild, passionate love to me.
I can't
sleep. It's beyond me. I can't even begin to define what a wonderful
creature my husband is. It delights me to see him with other
people because he honestly doesn't know or see how he is and
how he simply floors people when he is around them because he
is everything. I think I put off the same kind of attitude and
that is why we were meant to be.
"We are
sensible." He would tell me a couple of weeks ago. I would just
smile when he would say that. I later told him sensible has
a different connotation and then we looked it up in the dictionary
and then I had to agree with him that we are sensible people
that are very aware of our perceptions and feelings.
But I
also told him what he meant to say was sensitive.
"My god
he's handsome!" Tanta said.
"Did you
think I would marry someone I couldn't obsessively take photos
of the rest of my life?"
I also
want my children to feel like they are little princesses. Their
daddy will spoil them with attention and love like neither one
of our fathers did and plus they will be able to look back and
see that we were indeed a very hot couple.
And they
will also understand what it is like for their parents to love
one another greatly.
"Your
mother was always right." I said in his ear after my confession
"You are a very special man. You are very special to me."
I freaked
Tanya's Midwestern room mate out. Apparently I am too weird
and I accidently took his toothpaste. At least to my husband
I am not weird because we share the same intensity for life.
He understand me like no other possibly could and he thinks
that because he's French that there are things about him I won't
be able to tolerate so easily. Maybe he's right and I don't
know it yet but the worst thing I can say about my husband is
that his feet stink and there really isn't a whole lot he can
do to change this fact. And if that's the worst thing a princess
and an angel has to live with, I think I have it pretty fucking
good.
Sunday
December 3, 2000
I begin
to think to myself that he can't get any better. That that day
he has superseded himself but today... Hot, sweaty bodies then
some time down in the city. I pulled out his cock and played
with it as we rode down market.
One guy
stood there looking at my hand. I turned my head away and made
it even more obvious what I was doing.
So...
it's nice having someone that doesn't mind spending money on
you. Anything I want is mine and all I have to do is ask. He
got paid on Friday and it's been a really calming weekend.
Now we
have to find a place to live. I think I am just going to put
my shit back in storage and move the stuff I need out here.
I think we are going to live in a cheap... $1500 apartment.
I tried to convince him that we should get a room mate but he
doesn't want to fuck with a room mate.
Maybe
it's just my constant desire to have an external force. I can't
scream when he is making love to me when Ben is here. That always
sucks.
So...
we did it in the laundry room today. That was fun. I wanted
to do it in the bathroom at CompUSA today but he was hooked
on getting a CD burner and if there is one thing I know for
sure, there is no way you can keep a geek away from his computer
equipment.
Can I
tell you how much I love this city. If you buy $100 from Banana
Republic they will take you home for free. That's what I call
service. I was going to buy a cheap nightgown at Ross today
but I looked at the line and said fuck it.
So we
are both impatient. Besides he said I should have a better nightgown
so I will just wait until later.
God...
I suppose my first check will go towards Christmas presents.
I have no idea what to get my husband. I am hoping something
will present itself...
OK I am
sleepy. Usually I like to do something cool with my web site
for all the people that have checked it out over the years but
I have been spending a lot of time just staring deep into my
husband's eyes lately.
Tuesday
December 5, 2000
So last
night we finally had a good fight. Today I feel like shit. It
was naturally over something incredibly stupid.
He told
me a lot of things but one of them was that I was too compassionate
and that I feel things for other people too much. That's correct.
I don't know how to feel life for myself. When I think about
some of the things I have been through I can say some of it
without blinking but if I watch myself on screen or something
like that then I can totally identify with that girl.
It's hard
to feel me for me. IT was also very hard for me to be at work
yesterday because this weekend was amazing. Andy got fired so
I have to find a new place to host my site.
He asked
me what was wrong and then I told him like 20 minutes later
what was bugging me and he said "That was 20 minutes ago" and
"You are making up excuses."
So when
he started talking about something I replied "You are making
up excuses."
Since
when did you need an excuse to feel any way? You just feel things
and maybe there are reasons and maybe there aren't. That's why
you can never describe feelings to anyone because there are
many layers that go underneath the surface.
I don't
want to get so caught up in him that I quit living my life for
myself. That's me being too compassionate once again.
I don't
know I don't know I feel like shit today. I want to cry. I quit
taking the pill so hopefully my hormones will balance out.
It's the
holidays and I miss my mommy. Although it doesn't feel like
December because it's warm out here. I am also feeling homesick
and I miss all of my friends.
I'm adjusting
and it's difficult right now. I am not used to being happy either.
* * *
I think
there are some people that can just intitutively feel things
so deeply that they feel things as though they were happening
to themselves. I woke up on Monday feeling just horrible. I
couldn't put my finger on it.
Maybe
it was this, maybe it was that... I didn't know until I talked
to my grandmother today. I called her and instead of hearing
the usual slurred "Hello" my grandfather delivers to my delight
my grandmother answered.
It did
not take long for me to figure out what was bugging me. "Poppa
is in the hospital. They put him on oxygen." She sounded kind
of upbeat about it.
Florent
wants me to go home but I don't want to. I want to stay here
with him because everything is still too new and if I leave
now I don't want to think about what might happen between us.
Wednesday
December 6, 2000
Is it
possible to be married and be happy at the same time?
My cunt
is still dripping and he is asleep already. I sent him a couple
of make up letters today talking about how I desired him and
wanted to heal our bruises from Monday and when he got home
all he wanted to do was sleep.
Last night
he awoke at 1 and then left for "the INS" at 3. I think he was
more tender then me after I freaked out the other night. I feel
much better now that I am not on the pill and can't wait until
to be fitted for my diaphragm now that I know how glorious Instead
is.
I'm going
to have to move my site soon so I downloaded everything the
other day and now I am going to have to move everything. I think
Joe is going to let me keep everything on his server until we
have our own.
So he
came in tonight, and he was tired from being such a wreck. He
suggested we go to a movie and I could tell that he was too
tired for much of anything. I, however, am in the mood to prowl
the city. Although there is a jacuzzi nearby that is calling
my name.
So he
asked me why it was that I get more beautiful every day. That's
always a great line to use on your wife. I know I was melting.
Then we
were on the bed and naked in no time flat. I got on top of him
and he slowly entered my body and my heart stopped. It always
stops when he first enters my body. I craved to feel him inside
of me all day, to be a part of me and to love me only the way
he can. But he was too tired to do much of anything but lie
there. I moved my hips up and down and over his cock so I could
feel him in every part of me. He grasped on my hips and moved
me over his cock while doing this thing he does...
I don't
know how he does it but there is this little trick he does with
his cock. I knew that the guy I was suppose to be with would
know how to do this but even though he is hard inside of me
he flexes some kind of muscles and just when I think I couldn't
feel him deeper inside of me he flexes and I shudder with an
orgasm immediately.
Sometimes
when he is going and he does this I just start screaming. I
am sure that is anyone was home tonight they thought that someone
was dying.
I love
my job. It's so awesome. I love being a content manager and
I am getting used to the tasks I am assigned. I will basically
be in charge content on an Intranet. Making sure that everything
runs smoothly and that I can figure out some of the problems
we have on the site.
I think
my boss thinks I am a rock sometimes and then all of a sudden
I surprise him with something he wasn't expecting. The other
day I forgot to clear the disk cache and he sat next to me and
held my hand as I did it and I really wanted to hold a gun to
my head after that because I felt so stupid.
I love
the people I work with. They make me happy. The hits on my site
have increased a great deal. Life couldn't be better except
for having a bigger place to live. That would be sweet. The
people at snarg are starting to charge to get into their site.
I would
like to give mine a face lift, like I usually do every year
for Christmas to thank you for coming here but I don't have
the time nor the inclination at the current time. I have a couple
of other projects I need to work on and a face lift isn't one
of them.
So Poppa
is doing OK. There was water on his heart and he was getting
just 1/3 of the O he was needing in order to live, which is
why he turned blue. I can't imagine how much it scared my grandmother.
I asked
Granny if she wanted me to come home and she didn't.
I am glad
my husband and I are back to normal again. I didn't like feeling
that chasm start and now it's gone again... Joe was right as
usual.
Sunday
December 10, 2000
I wake
up, just about every morning, look outside my window and see
the fog going across the canyon. I did not realize we were living
so close to a canyon until yesterday.
I don't
want this anymore. I don't like being married. I know I am just
saying this now because I am wounded but I don't want to put
up with this kind of shit. He's making 25K more than me and
he expects me to pay 1/2 the rent, not pay for my truck what-so-ever
and still reap the benefits of that? What the fuck ever. I'm
not the one going around telling him "I don't know what I would
do without you."
Instead
I am thinking to myself what kind of cataclitmisic catastrophe
have I gotten myself into? I am married to a French geek that
doesn't like to socialize that much nor spend money. He doesn't
like the same kinds of food, he likes to see himself as this
idealized person that doesn't complain, and I am beginning to
believe that the reality of the situation is much worse than
I thought.
Am I just
a complete fucking idiot? There are so many wonderful things
about him but for me to feel this way so soon. I don't think
if he is making 25K more than me that I should have to pay for
half the fucking rent. I mean I am really beginning to wonder
what the whole point of us getting married was. I guess I was
so caught up in the fantasy of it all that the reality of the
situation is starting to expose itself and I can't stand it.
Today
after he told me he wasn't going to help me pay for my truck
(on top of me having to pay half the rent for an apartment we
dont' have yet) yesterday he announced that he was going to
take my truck. I looked at him and said "Um, no you aren't.
Remember, you are the one that said you weren't going to help
me pay for it therefore you can't drive it." This is a mess.
It feels like we are going through a divorce when we just got
fucking married. This is such bullshit.
So I told
him that if he wanted me to cook then he had to pay for the
groceries and clean up the mess. "Those responsibilities should
be shared." OK, fine, those can be shared. I don't care to do
shared household things but I will be dammed if I clean up after
his ass.
It's not
like I am being a bitch or anything. My god.. what the fuck?
I know life isn't fair but I will be dammed if he is making
25K more than me and I have to pay half the rent.
So far
we haven't had a fight about money.
Now I
remembered why I loved being independent. Maybe I should just
go find a place to squat for a couple of days so I can cool
off a bit.
If you
asked me now was it worth all the elation I was feeling up to
now I am sure I would have to say yes. I just hate it that we
have to go through this shit now.
I guess
I am just feeling sorry for myself. At least this is pushing
me to find a better job instead of being complacent and staying
at a cushy job making just OK money.
I actual
found a job and maybe I will get it. It's for a photo magazine
and they need an editor and someone that knows photography and
a webmaster so... hopefully something will come of that.
I think
I am going to quit relying on him for anything. I am just going
to be my independent self once again and listen to him tell
me shit like "I don't know what I would do without you."
Maybe
that's what is bothering me more than anything is that I feel
like I am being so good, just being myself and now what's the
fucking point? I know life is not fair but... I am going to
go for a walk and try to come back and have something better
to say.
* * *
So it
sounds like my husband really just wanted a roommate with benefits.
Or that is how I feel right now. Maybe I shouldn't feel that
way but that's how I feel right now.
HE also
likes to pretend he is one way when he is really another.
I don't
know... maybe we are just going through a bit of culture shock
from one another.
Florent
is interesting and funny and very intelligent. I could go on
and on about what a wonderful person he is, that part isn't
the part that's pissing me off right now.
Monday
December 11, 2000
Subject:
I'm watching a special
about lions.
I love to watch specials on animals and I love to see them fuck.
So I was watching just now and the lionesses are attracted to
lions with a longer, darker mane. That made me think about your
mane and how much I love to run my fingers through your hair.
Dudette is wet just thinking about you on top of her. mmmmm.....
ooooooo.... and playing with your mane and hiding in your long,
dark hair. Mmmmm.... my nipples are like buttons waiting for
you to suck on them.
you should
come home and fuck me.
Catherine
Tuesday
December 12, 2000
I thought
I would smoke a bowl and sit down and write a bit. I can't believe
the pipe I bought just a couple of weeks ago is clogged. Now
let me explain something to you about smoking weed. e are a
lot of people that do it as a matter of fact I don't understand
for the life in me how in the hell weed was made illegal and
alcohol survived prohibition. You can't honestly do anything
useful with grain alcohol except clean shit.
I remember
when I first started to learn about alcohol I was in such denial
about what an alcoholic my father was that when I found out
people drank alcohol they meant rubbing alcohol.
Cool.
Andy just told me I was approved for a home loan again. That
means we might be able to buy a condo or something.
Life is
sweet. Flo and I made up really good. I got pissed at him on
Sunday and just as he walked up to me I handed him the keys
to get in the apartment and just fucking took off. I haven't
seen my cat for two weeks and I wanted to see him so I left
him behind.
I think
he slowly came to the realization that without me a lot of shit
in his life wouldn't have changed. And that I am not putting
up with any of his bullshit.
Nope...
not gonna do it. I am thinking about telling his asshole room
mate that is fucking me up the ass that I will quit my job if
he doesn't start paying me $50 an hour. I am sorry but out here
in California the adv. going rate for a contractor is at least
$100. Plus he tried to tell Flo that I was going to have to
pay 1/2 of a half of rent (hello... this makes no sense) for
staying here. So Flo just told him (since he paid first and
last months rent) to keep the deposit. He's such a fucking South
African. I can't fucking wait until we have our own place and
now that we can get an condo maybe that makes me ecstatic.
And Ben
is such a fucking Microsoft dumb ass that I could scream. He
told Florent that it would cost close to $10K for a server.
I wanted to take a god damn bazooka and blow him off the planet.
So I found
out the company's holiday party will be conveniently in January.
That makes me happy because now I can go back home and pick
up some jewelry. They are holding it at the MOMA San Francisco.
I can't wait to wear my Aquamarine ring and hopefully Granny
will let me borrow her blue and black pearls. I am so fucking
excited.
She has
the kind of jewelry that you never wear in Kentucky. I can't
wait to wear it. I wish I had a white fur to match. I know that
is so trashy but I don't give a fuck. Furs are warm.
I can't
wait to tell stupid jokes wearing that jewelry.
Monday
December 18, 2000
Me and
my big fucking mouth.
Not only
am I jobless for now... I am homeless too. I fucked it up...
Wait...
let me start off by saying I have met a true faggot. I didn't
think they existed... maybe they were like a fairy tale creature
but now I have met a true faggot and I wish I had the energy
to hate him but instead he is stuck being his faggot self.
I never
thought I would use that word that way...
So the
faggot that got me the "job" was extorting me. He was getting
$120 a fucking hour off of me while he was just paying me $25.
I am sorry but if that isn't extortion then I don't know what.
It didn't take long for me to figure out that was what he was
billing the company I was working for. I have found that if
you give someone enough of a lead they will always hang themselves.
So I made
this faggot over 15K, combined with the measly salary he paid
me I earned about 20K in 3 weeks. That is practically unfathomable
to me. So since I felt there was no justice in this world and
I asked that cock sucker for a raise and he told me no (he didn't
even know what kind of work I was doing) I decided to say something
to Gabriel, my boss at Evolve.
The faggot
got so pissed at me that he fired me on the spot and told me
to get my shit out of his place, which is illegal but I didn't
want to be close to him.
So I packed
all my shit up last week sometime... I think it was Thursday.
That day Florent slid on the rails on Market street and wrecked
his bike. His knee was fucked, he went to the hospital and when
he called me from there he failed to mention that was where
he was.
So we
are back to a typical Cathy Clay kind of holiday where I will
be very happy if we can find a decent place to live or buy by
Christmas. It's fucking insane out here.
Luckily
enough Florent has enough money and I have enough money so we
aren't so fucking broke but it has been a harrowing weekend
on us both.
Sometimes
I think I should just keep my mouth shut but the other part
of me is freaking out thinking that I was making $120 an hour.
Me. Even though that's not what I was being paid.
This industry
is so fucked up.
We rented
a storage unit yesterday. Our lives are in a 3x8 closet in the
basement of some freaky storage place on 16th st.
Today
I put shit in storage, washed our laundry and folded it so when
Florent goes to work he won't look like he is homeless. I know
what this faggot did is illegal but I don't think I give a fuck
about doing anything about it.
I take
that back. I am really, really thinking about going to law school
now.
Tuesday
December 19, 2000
All I
want for Christmas is a place to live... a place to live...
a place to live. I feel like I am back to the same old story
from earlier this year. Jobless and homeless.
Monday
December 25, 2000
Merry
Christmas. I don't know what is worse... not having a place
to live or no Internet access.
So. I
read my e-mail today. I spent the day with Mike Jasper's Sister,
Kelly, and her girls. I finally read my e-mail today and noticed
that I was made an offer to work for evolve full time. I am
very, very happy about this. My confidence has shot through
the moon and I am excited to learn some new things.
Not much
else to say... sorry it has taken me a while. I am not homeless
anymore. I am living on 19th and Valencia until the 22nd of
Jan.
Thursday
December 28, 2000
So Florent
was "thoughtless" and didn't get me a present. He was fucked
up over his knee and felt kind of bad. We saw the Grinch the
night before and I told him it wasn't that important although
I wanted to cry.
Naturally
when we were leaving a wonderful Christmas night Florent fell
down and dislocated his elbow. Can you tell he's my husband
yet?
I have
been bathing him and taking care of him the best way I could.
After spending yesterday in the apt all day and seeing him act
stir crazy I decided today we could at least sit in the car
all day and drive down Highway 1. Anything would be better.
He's not
taking his medication now but he sure loved that morphine. I
stood and watched as they pumped him up and when he was sedated
enough the doctor took his arm and started to move it. I watched
in horror as they manipulated his arm and Florent's eyes rolled
back in his head the way they do when he is receiving pleasure
from me. The way mom's eyes rolled back in her head as she was
dying.
It was
horrible. I didn't know how to react to it. Obviously I am still
disturbed today.
I haven't
been doing much of anything these days as far as documentating
my life. I still don't have my camera and since I don't have
access I am less compelled to write.
I am very
excited about starting my new job. I don't know if I should
go home this weekend or stay here and wait until I find out
about all the details of becoming an Evolver. Part of me thinks
I should wait.
So...
I am overwhelmed still. Life is even more unpredictable.
Let me
make this clear. I was working for Ben, the reprehensible gentleman
I referred to as a faggot as a contractor. I am no longer contracting
for him but I was working for Evolve. I still have a job for
Evolve, they were just waiting for my "contract" with Ben to
be over. I didn't like the fact that he was exploiting me and
made over 15K off of me while he only paid me about 4K.
I will
always stand up for myself because I don't give a fuck about
the consequences although next time I will be much more cautious
and have a secure place to live.
So...
I don't know if I should go back to Ky now... or wait. I think
I want to get that nightmare taken care of but I don't think
I cant do it all in a weekend.
I am sorry
if I offended anyone with my language about Ben. I don't see
myself as being intolerant for someone's sexual orientation
but Geoff said it was natural to express anger and I think it
was warranted... I just hope I never have to go through that
shit again.
By the
way... I have almost had 20K hits on my site this year :)))
19.969 to be exact :)
Sunday
December 31, 2000
My last
entry for this millimum. Kind of strange to think of it that
way.
I have
been dying for company. Last night our roomie Franc and his
girlfriend came by. A buddy of theirs also came by and after
Florent went to bed I went back and hung out with them. I took
some green sludge and put it to my lips and tasted the most
awful, bitter horrible stuff in my life, mescaline. Apparently
you can buy it off the net. They use the Cacti for landscaping
and Bill, the born again atheist 'I used to be a Mormon' is
the one that smashed up the plant until is was mm mm bitter.
They didn't have enough for me to dose on so I only had a taste
and after tasting it that was fine with me.
I have
never tripped on acid. I have on morphine and other yummy IV
drugs but never on acid. I was always too afraid.
So... I
am glad this shitty century is over. I know I have barely been
in it but a little over a quarter but it was so bad that I now
realize it is better left in the past. I can reinvent myself
without lying.
I feel
like I am shedding a skin. I feel like I am mourning my old
life too. I have had a touch of melancholy these past couple
of days because of all the overwhelming events of my life these
past couple of months.
Shit,
I am married! I have found someone that I can attain a level
of intimacy with that I have always desired, even if he did
forget to get me something for Christmas he loves me a great
deal and cherishes me. There are lots of things that I have
seen and done this year... I finally realize that I am worth
a great deal of money even in a market bad magazines like Newsweek
like to report is dead. It's easy to get and keep a job out
here if you have skills.
I have
a new life out here. The sun shines a lot, not all the time
but it's not cold and it certainly isn't snowing here. I feel,
once again, like I am caught up in a whirlwind that is taking
me to places I am not sure of. I think some of the fights Florent
and I have had these past couple of days have been because it's
very hard for me to let go of my old life. He tells me my sisters
are jealous of me and that's why they are behaving the way they
are. I think I actually don't care anymore. They are women now
and I have my own family to concentrate on. Even if the only
members of it are myself and Florent.
I don't
know what the next century will bring me but I am + it will
be better than the last. I think I have proof now that it won't
be any easier because life always throws you curves to make
sure you are paying attention...
But I
can honestly say for the first time in my life I am truly happy
even with all the chaotic shit that encircles me... I don't
think I would have it any other way.
Happy
New Millimum!
