Wednesday
August 2, 2000
Our site
hasn't launched. We are rare in that we actually have a product
to go with our website. I was thinking this morning that maybe
I might end up staying in Russia a bit longer... or it would
be cool to go over there and end up working with the boys over
there for a couple of months.
I need
to desperately update these pages. It's kind of driving me a
little nuts.
I was
sad to see Zack go home last night but after his nightmare trip
down here I can't really blame him for leaving early. Plus I
know how it is to be in between jobs and have a boyfriend back
home that you want to... cuddle with.
We had
a great time. Perhaps Michael is right and we should talk about
some of the problems we have had but I think Zack said it best
that he didn't want to talk with Syndy until he had a new job
and things aren't as fresh. That's how I felt too because I
wanted him to be happy and I wanted to be near him but sometimes
things don't work out that way. Life isn't always pre-packaged
and clean and neat and friendly and although we have gone rounds
in e-mail when I see his face I still have this overwhelming
love for him that I don't have for anyone else. I love him for
protecting my honor during the BFA show, I love him for his
insecurities that seem so sweet to me because they are based
in feelings I have never experienced. There is just so much
there for me... he has been one of my greatest supporters, my
closest friend and someone I can relate to ever since we had
our BFA show together. I'm not willing to give that up. He was
there for me when I came home from Russia, with a gallon of
milk at my request. He takes care of me in ways that I have
never anticipated or imagined.
I am a
better person, a better designer, a better lover because I can
run some ideas off of him and since there is 0 sexual attraction
between us I know I can be completely honest with him and he
won't fuck me over the way a lover can. The problems we have
had I can understand. I think I felt insecure because I began
to believe he didn't want me to live near him because his other
friends moved to Chicago and he rarely got to see them and I
think he saw that that as a possibility with us and instead
of going through that shit it was easier to go through what
we did.
I apologized
for my actions and I meant it. I think when people do shitty
things they are insecure about themselves but when I look back
I don't think I was out of character and I can rationalize why
I was the way I was.
So Sunday
we hung out and went to Wick's and had some beer. Andy
went with us and I think he was happy to go out with Zack too.
We came home and since Kevin wrecked my car and had two trials
set for Monday I decided it was better to drop my car off to
get an estimate.
We met
his friend Todd that is from Danville, Ky. at B&N and
looked at some of the gay books. There is this really great
one with gay porn stars of the 80s and they are all beef-cakes
for the most part. Todd just returned from Helsinki so it was
cool talking about his European adventures.
It was
also really freaky to look at his photos and to have been on
those many streets. And to talk about this awful Finnish fast
food chicken place called Carol's. Usually that is a
conversation I only have with Jacinta. I was bitching because
it cost more to get a fucking packet of ketchup then it does
to ride the subway. And coming from an American that doesn't
usually eat much Ketchup with anything it's nice to know I can
have it when I want it. (Note to self: Go to White Castle and
get a baggie of Heinz ketchup and iodized salt... mmmm... and
some spicy mustard too.)
So that
was a lot of fun. Todd said he might be in Helsinki when I am
there so hopefully we can meet up over there. He's some kind
of corporate attorney for some big firm in New York that has
offices in Germany, Sweden and a couple of other European countries.
He's trying to get transferred to Stockholm and if he does then
I can't wait to see him. That's Jacinta's favorite city and
I want to see it.
I laid
in bed this morning and the idea came to me that maybe I should
stay in Russia a while longer and see what kind of work I can
do for my company over there. We outsourced some of the work
to Russians so it would be fun, I think, to work over there
especially since everyone knows me over here. But we will see...
If there is one thing I have learned it's that you can't predict
much of anything and I think I would enjoy myself if I were
there for a while.
Jenna
started working with me yesterday. Life is getting to be very
interesting...
* * *
I love
dumb cunts. I mean really fucking stupid ones. Especially if
they leave shitty comments in my guestbook and especially if
they leave their fucking e-mail addresses too.
In case
you haven't figured out this is not the kind of diary you can
read from last month and go on. You need to start all the way
at the beginning and then work your way up. And you have to
have a high command of the English language too. Calling me
names... I call myself a bitch and use the word cunt in polite
conversation. Therefore it takes a little bit more to insult
me.
Actually,
I honestly like to think I don't get insulted very easily especially
for a low life leech sucking the blood off of a powerful husband
so I can sit on my ass and surf the fucking net all day. Oops,
I did that when I was living with Andy only I thankfully wasn't
married and didn't have kids that needed to run to soccer games.
If you
attempt to pick this diary up in the middle then none of it
will make any sense. Sometimes you have to go back and check
a reference to something that has previously happened in my
life, understand the passage of what you just read, go back
and read when said event happened and then maybe you can understand
how I came to a conclusion.
I like
to think that this is kind of like an interactive book only
I get to make fun of assholes as I go along because I can.
Thank
you, Momma, for raising me not to be a fool.
Thursday
August 3, 2000
I feel
apprehensive today. Maybe I am just anxious... The project I
have been working on is now no longer. It's influx like everything
else at this place.
I enjoy
the chaos though... and the instability. Working at a startup
though... I want to retire in 5 years and do my own shit. Maybe
7.
Friday
August 4, 2000
blah.
blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah. blah blah blah. blah blah...
blah blah blah blah.
I actually
got to take pictures yesterday of really ugly lamps. Who hoo!
Saturday
August 5, 2000
I was
looking at my index the other day... it's hard to believe it's
been almost 3 full years and going on my 4th.
I talked
with Anne yesterday. We talked for a long time. I was rather
happy about that. She is playing Polo now and naturally she
is quite good. She told me she can hit the ball OK but that
bitch could ride the fucking moon if she wanted to.
I can
remember her always wanting a horse. When I was in 5th grade
I remember sitting at the lunchroom table with the other girls
after Christmas and they were all bragging about the clothes
and shit they got and I was ashamed that I had gotten a horse
for Christmas and that I had to share it with Anne.
I think
I will scan the photo when I get home from work if I can find
that album. That was the same Christmas my mom got me a disk
camera which was my first Camera. It was an Appaloosa and my
dad naturally got it from a client. His name was Barron and
we only saw him twice. I am sure my dad sold him or something.
That was one of the most useless Christmas presents he ever
got me and one of the most thoughtless because I wasn't the
one that wanted it, Anne was. I never had an affinity for horses.
I don't mind riding but it takes way too much work to take care
of them.
Anyway...
I spiked the watermelon last night. I think I put a little too
much Tequila in it. Vince only put 5 shots in his and that bitch
was lethal and I put close to a fifth in mine. I don't think
I want to stand up straight tonight.
We are
having a Bar-B-Que/house warming party. This week has fucking
flown. Our boss doesn't want us to miss any days at work but
I have way too much shit to do before I leave and I can't get
it all together without taking some time to make sure I have
it all together. I think I am actually going to pack more for
this trip then I ever did before. Roman wanted black socks...
God I
have got to make out a list of shit I want to accomplish over
there and shit I have to do. My skin looks like shit. I am exhausted.
Kevin tried to seduce me last night and I shoo-ed him away in
my sleep. I just couldn't wake up and it's not like I have the
energy or the desire right now.
Naturally
I am spending way too much money. I spent $170 on party shit
last night. Granny and Pop are bringing me a lawn mower. Pop
fixes them in the summer. Everyone will dump their mowers on
him so he has a few laying around that people gave him or he
bought cheap and fixed up. He also made me a bookshelf so I
can look at my books. I love my books. I miss seeing them all
the time. I can't wait for them to be out. We had a library
at the top of the stairs at my mom's house and there were always
books there. Mom took our kids books and gave them away once.
3 or 4 years later I got really upset. God I sound like a reminiscing
fool today. I think it's because I am so tired.
Monday
August 7, 2000
Shit...I
leave on Thursday.
Wanna see D? AKA Deanna. She got me to photograph her the
other day and now she is learning the glories of Photoshop.
I have
a million things running through my mind right now. Mostly about
money. I hope I get my check in the mail soon like today or
tomorrow. At the very latest on Wednesday. I'm a little apprehensive
right now. I have a lot of shit I need to do but I also need
the $. I found out I have more in my account then I should and
that's always nice especially since it's bill time.
I need
some excitement in my life. I think the residual effects of
this trip will hopefully be everlasting. I arrive in St. Petersburg
at 1:40.
I am constantly
reminded how wonderful it is to be a girl. I think it would
be an awful thing to be a guy. I know as a woman I can get laid
no matter what but for some reason... guys can rationalize every
reason why they aren't getting laid. I think women can too but
if they are listening to the media... then the story is different.
I think
the one major problem everyone has is confidence. If you go
into a situation where you aren't sure you can please someone
else, then your results will be less then stellar. It's all
in your attitude, baby and what's the point in thinking less
of yourself in any way, shape or form? Do you think other people
think about you the way you see yourself? Hell no. They see
things based on their own fucked up views of the world.
God I
am so horny. I feel all this energy going through me and I feel
like a lightening rod. I have a feeling I am going to be getting
back in touch with a slut I once used to know. I might as well
face it. Once a slut always a slut. Besides... I need a partner
that knows how to use nipple clamps.
Tuesday
August 8, 2000
I got
my money yesterday. It's still today but only because it's just
now midnight. I could almost sit here and pour my troubled heart
out right now but I am stuck... stuck in a strange position.
I don't
really feel like talking about Kevin. I figured something out
about him the other day that makes me detest him. I don't feel
comfy talking about that. I don't feel comfy talking about work
because I signed a disclosure or the people I work with because
I still like to maintain some sembelence of privacy (I actually
do think of such things and have for some time now).
So about
the only thing I can really talk about is what it feels like
to be a 20 something female. My friend, Sudha, she is from India
and she is designing jewelry and she said she got an e-mail
from someone that said they would buy one of her pieces. I pray
to God that this works for her because she had some really bad
luck at a show recently when one of her pieces was stolen. She
is a beautiful person.
Working
with Jenna is a treat. She reminds me that I am still very human
and her and Ryan and the two Bens go for a walk every once in
a while. Yesterday it was just her and me and Ryan. It was nice
to feel the sunshine on my face for a bit and Ryan and Jenna
kept talking about how nice it was. I guess I am a bitch because
I don't like overcast days. I think they make me have really
bad headaches.
Ryan got
some new glasses the other day and I think maybe I might be
needing some sometime soon. We walked around and it was nice.
I also thought the ride home on Eastern Parkway was nice...
by then the sky had cleared some.
I am driving
Kevin's car right now. I don't think that I should be the one
that is inconvenienced right now. I have way too much shit to
do.
I have
to pack, get gifts and shit for the house. I paid a visit to
Bob's tonight and that helped a lot. Another web site.
I actually
might have enough money for my trip and to pay the fuck up with
my car and pay some horrendous bills. Cool.
It seems
that things are never really where they should be right now.
I feel like my life is changing in ways I don't think I am going
to care for.
Thursday
August 10, 2000
Looks
like this won't be a business trip after all. It's all pleasure
with the pain of knowing I am not getting paid while I am gone.
And I thought I was working 58 hours a week so I could be salary
and that would cover the time I thought I was going to Russia
collecting data for our cultural center. Oops.
FUCK IT
FUCK IT FUCK IT. I am going to see Roman tomorrow and for some
reason all the shit I went through the past couple of days somehow
makes it all worth it.
Saturday
August 12, 2000
Another
lay-over in Paris... Somehow St. Petersburg seems a bit different
then I remember...
Sunday
August 13, 2000
Dima and
I went to the Admiralty museum today. It was way fucking cool.
I didn't really think I would want to take photos but naturally
there were so many interesting things to photography. I snuck
a couple of photos in of gigantic mast heads.
The most
disturbing thing I saw was a real Nazi flag. That was too strange
for words. The schwatcka was a lot different then presented
in what I had previously seen and the cross was strange too.
It's weird to look at that kind of stuff and think about the
past.
We rode
doom buggies yesterday and Dima bottomed out and I hit him full
on. I hit him so hard that I was thrown out of it. I hit my
rib cage up against the seat and somehow my leg got cut. It
wasn't too bad yesterday but today it hurts like fucking hell
and a gigantic bruise is coming out on my back.
I definitely
know I am in Russia now. I don't think it would be the same
if I didn't have some kind of personal catastrophe the first
day I was here.
I think
that many people use different places in their mind to sort
themselves out. I think Russia is my place because it's so fucked
up but somehow it still works. People live and people are happy.
I feel like when I am here, I can look at my life back at home
and see the things I don't like and try and make them better.
I also think that everything is in perspective now.
I can't
tell you how happy I am to spend time with Roman. When I started
pulling out presents the last one I gave him was a razor and
he exclaimed "KAT!!! How did you know? Did Lena tell you?"
"Rome...
you should know by now I am your twin." I said back to him with
a smile. I don't know how but things are always the way they
should be when we hang out.
I am thinking
more and more about how I might look for another job in a little
while. I think I am really going to try to get a job in San
Francisco. I don't know why but I don't think I care as much
to move from Kentucky anymore. I think I could be more successful
if I were on the west coast.
When I
was in Paris the other night (Damn, another lay-over in Paris)
I was listening to the news because if you haven't figured it
out the news in America is shit as far as Europe is concerned...
but then again do I honestly give a fuck if the hedges are too
tall in England? Anyway they were saying how there was a shortage
of IT people in Germany and they were hiring a bunch of foreigners
but naturally they didn't make the same as we do in America.
OK...
I have to go because Dima won't quit bitching about wanting
to go home.
Wednesday
August 16, 2000
God...
yesterday is kind of a blur. Let's start with today since it's
the first chance I have had to update. I got an e-mail the other
day that went something like "I think I have a painting your
mom did and after visiting your site you can have it back."
I didn't hold my breath because you never honestly know how
these things can play out but today...
I was
so worried that I would not find the painting, I did not attempt
to look because I was afraid of letting you down. Well, the
search is over, it has been found. My recollection was hazy,
because it appears larger than I remembered. She painted it
in 1982 and it is signed on the back to me. I am still perplexed
by it all. I am not really an art kind of person and never had
it framed, but I did hang on to it. I think because it was given
by a person that gave it freely for no real, definite reason.
Just because she wanted to.
So naturally
I am sitting here crying.
Things
like that mean more to me then you could ever imagine. She took
a painting she did of me, one of the only ones that I know of
and stuck it in a store and tried to get work from them and
I didn't want her to do that because I think I knew I would
never see it again. I would do anything to have that back.
So yesterday
we went to Lena's parents dacha. It was so nice and we were
in territory that used to belong to Finland and believe me you
could tell. Everything was pristine, it was very clean and very
beautiful. My heart was so full I wanted to cry. The landscape
was breathtaking and riding in a car...
I feel
like I should talk about this trip a little more. I am staying
with Lena in a renovated apartment with a washer that is also
a dryer and everything was new 3 years ago. Lena is so incredibly
fucking cool. Life in the back of a BMW in Russia is so much
nicer then riding the metro and buses all the time. Maybe it's
shallow of me but it's very nice to be with someone that really
understands the comforts of life.
I made
lasagna the other night and she told me it was the best she
had ever had and naturally that made my head swell. Since Kevin
has been cooking it's kind of hard to remember that I can be
a great cook too.
So yesterday
we went to the dacha that her father built. It is the nicest
dacha I have ever seen.
Her father
pulled out some "samagon" sama meaning self and gon meaning
your won't be able to pick your ass up off the ground after
the third shot. I don't remember much after the 4th shot. Roman
told me he had to take me to the toilet and I remember passing
out and vomiting and dreaming as cold raindrops fell on my face
and then it was time to go.
I got
Roman to get me some Chorne hleb (black bread) to absorb the
alcohol so after riding for 1 and a half hours I was pretty
sober again. (yeah D... fuck the diet until I get back).
We came
back into the city and bought the Blair Witch Project since
Lena's father pointed out a place in the woods where witches
lived. I never knew there was info after the film.
So that
was yesterday. Today Roman went to work for a bit and since
they have no real time access I couldn't read my e-mail or much
of anything so that's why I am here.
I think
we will be leaving for the Crimea tonight so I won't have access
for a while. This is by far the most fun I have had here in
my entire life. I am glad there are several more weeks. I think
I need to get a drawing pad so I can draw Roman since he lounges
in his undies all the time.
If you
wanna a post card then send
me your address.
Wednesday
August , 2000
I scorched
the earth doing 180. Sometimes just 80. My average was an overall
of 130 which was higher the Lena's. The road to Volgograd took
us nearly 24 hours to go through. When it was my turn to drive
Roman and Lena both fell asleep because they were scared. Fuck
having a radar detector in a country that uses fucking Lada's
as cop cars. The most they can ever do is flag you over and
make you pay them. It's always cheaper to pay the cops off then
pay the ticket so everyone is inclined to pay the cops off.
The first question out of my mouth was "How much do you want?"
Something like 100 rubles and since it takes close to 30 to
make a dollar... Maybe it was ten, I have already forgotten.
If Kevin
was afraid of my driving before he will never ride in my car
again, but then again he is the fucker that wrecked it in the
rain because he was tailing someone and didn't take in the fact
that you have to go slower when you have a full bed of shit
and the truck is too heavy to stop right.
There
is so much shit going on... Yalta is so incredibly beautiful.
I saw Philip Kirkov at the Cactus Club last night. Who hooo.
There
is so much going on but...
Tuesday
August 29, 2000
I am exhausted.
Both physically and mentally. Dima thinks I sound like I didn't
have fun at the museum but that's not true. It was very nice.
I am more then overwhelmed. There is so much going on.
The worst
thing is that I fell and broke my lens. And that was only after
the first night of Kazantip. I haven't been quite the same.
I have been forced to actually enjoy myself. Let's see... the
nightmare continued when I broke a roll of film in Sveta's camera
and continued with being packed like a sardine on top of a mountain
and losing the case to Lena's camera with about 4 rolls of film
from Yalta. From a photography standpoint this has been my worst
fucking nightmare.
I leave
tomorrow. I am sad.
Thursday
August 31, 2000
There
were no problems getting home. I actually spent most of my plane
ride home with an attorney that now lives in St. Ps. It was
quite a conversation.
When I
got to the Frankfurt airport I immediately found a bathroom
and went into one of the stalls and cried for about an hour.
I am raw and a big ball of emotions right now. Then after that
I went into the camera store and bought myself a leather bag
for my Leica so that it will always be protected. I picked up
a case of Kinder Surprise and the woman wrapped them up tightly
so when I got home they were all perfect. I hate the USDA sometimes...
I think it's stupid that they won't let treats in food and I
hope Europe never abides by such rules.
I don't
want to be here. I am feeling very ill... I am going to update
my journal hopefully all day today.
