Monday
September 3, 2001
Jenna
is here next to me. We are chilling. I got home and was in a
lot of pain for my cramps and forgot I took something to make
me sleep so I was zoinked for 5 hours today which I honestly
needed.
It's down
to crunch time with getting some of these photographic contests
in order and I need to finish them so Hasta.
It's nice
having a break from my husband. My body is loving the rest.
I have all this extra energy too. It's crazy.
Thursday
September 6, 2001
Jen's
gone.
I don't
know. I am facing all these transitions and I feel like shit.
Mostly because Florent gave me a number and then told me that
someone might speak English and for me not to tell them I am
his wife.
I really
hate him right now. I wrote him a letter too and told him that
I thought as an adult I wouldn't think I would have to go through
that kind of shit anymore.
I guess
I should just be used to it. I have been a shame to everyone
it seems. My father was too ashamed to have us around his family.
My "friends" growing up were ashamed to call me their friends.
One girl took me to a mall one time, the shitty mall in a remote
part of Louisville and had me walk on the other side of the
mall so we wouldn't be seen together. And now my husband doesn't
want people to know he is married.
I suppose
that's just my lot in life. I don't think he has bothered to
tell his mom we are married. I think that was all a lie too.
I told him that if he didn't tell her we were getting a divorce.
I think I deserve something better than this.
Jenna
wants to give him the benefit of the doubt but I am too hurt
to be like that. We are going to Mexico today for a couple of
days. It will be nice to get away. To take photos of her in
Mexico. They will be awesome.
Last night
was fun. We went on the Hollywood walk of fame. "That's eerie"
Jenna said when I place my hands into MM's at Mann's Chinese
Theater. She is finally starting to talk like she might actually
want to live here. At first I had my doubts but I don't see
her staying in Louisville.
We went
to the Circle bar in Santa Monica the other night. My tits were
hanging out and I even got felt up once which was such a thrill.
It was Jen's last night out and now I know she is totally in
love with Charles.
I don't
feel like writing very much anymore. I think I am just going
to take a couple of days to myself and reflect what an idiot
I am for marrying such an asshole.
Tuesday
September 11, 2001
It's the
end of the world as we know it... and I don't feel fine.
Florent
woke me up this morning. He "has been calling for 2 hours. I'm
sorry to wake you up, baby, but the World Trade Center has been
bombed and the Pentagon." The stuff nightmares are made of.
Both? I turned on the TV and watched in horror as the Statue
of Liberty was framed with billowing clouds of smoke. I just
started crying. Crying the way I have never cried before because
there on TV my nation, my country, my life, my existence is
at stake.
Life will
never be the same again. Ever again.
Friday
September 21, 2001
I laid
on my mother's grave and talked to her. I always put my head
where head is supposed to be. I started thinking about life.
About love. I wondered if her flesh is rotting but think that
it's not possible because of all the chemo she went through.
Sitting here now realizing that January will make 4 years now.
I remembered Keir saying something about worms eating her body
on a street in Amsterdam next to a canal. I have never hated
anyone like I did that moment until now.
Am I the
only thinking person on the planet? I am beginning to wonder.
Out of how many people elected to office only 1 person voted
no to war?
- What
got us into this mess?
- How
should I feel about this shit?
- Who
should I hate?
There
are so many more questions I hope to answer right now.
We got
into this mess back when we started the crusades and overtook
Israel centuries ago. This is not new. This is the work of someone
so stewed in their own sense of Fundamentalism that they see
us as being the evil ones because we stand for freedom.
I thought
on the long, long journey back home about how we can let a millionaire
(who probably hasn't had sex in his entire life or else he would
feel the connection to the earth) ruin our nation in 10 short
days. Some insane, mentally diseased warped religious zealot
that doesn't understand tolerance.
But you
do because if you are reading this you have an American point
of view to life. One that is simmered in Judeo-Christian beliefs.
One that was shaped by the deaths of people in camps which you
could not comprehend the true horror until September the 11th
when it all caught up with the world at once.
I like
driving at night for the most part. You can go a lot farther
with not as much traffic and going through some places where
the roads were being fixed. I knew we were not the only ones
on the street because of the receptions we would get at truck
stops.
EVERYONE
IS KINDER NOW. There is a sense of comraderiere here. It's a
sentiment I have never experienced nor shared with anyone at
the same time in my life. We are all on the same level but...
I don't
think killing more people is the answer. As an open minded,
sentient being I have dove into my own experiences about what
is to be done.
At first
there was rage. A deep well of emotions that made me hate all
things remotely Arabian because even after all these years I
felt they hadn't evolved. The redneck inside of me exploded.
Then the
rational side started to take a hold of my burgeoning new mentality.
"That is wrong" I was told. I shouldn't be feeling this way.
And so I dug deeper. I started to go beyond what I was feeling
at that moment and try my best to think with a clear head and
a pure heart, as I always try to do.
It's wrong.
It's wrong.
It's wrong.
Violence
begets violence, this is a indisputable fact.
"The Stars
at night, shine warm and bright" clap clap clap clap clap "Deep
in the heart of Texas" we both sing, Jenna with a Deep Southern
accent.
You know
you have gotten it. You know you have it stuffed away in your
mailbox deep where you keep all the horrible forwards you have
ever gotten and you just can't seem to throw them away. The
one that talks about the situation of Afganie women and how
they aren't allowed to have an education. The one that breaks
your heart every time it circulates back to you every couple
of years. I know I have my copy...
It's wrong
to kill people. Look at how the Germans are now. They have suppressed
some of those emotions from the war so much that they now make
the best fucking cars and cameras on the planet. They sucked
it up and became strong, productive Capitalists like the rest
of us.
It's wrong
to kill people. Am I the only fucking one on the planet thinking?
Am I the only one with a world view large enough to see that
Omshante is mentally ill and has too much money (you should
be smiling right now, I dare you not to). There are tons of
mentally ill people out there that are free to do whatever they
please, make snuff films, eat babies, start their own businesses
because they have a lot of fucking money.
If these
fundamentalists were to look around and see that destroying
life, destroying the universe is not what we need but building
bridges, educating women and experiencing life AS WE EVOLVE
and understanding that YOU CAN NOT DESTROY PROGRESS than I think
people might be able to have open minds enough to accept that
we can not change what has happened but concentrate more on
the future.
I have
spent almost my entire life picking myself out of the ashes.
My parents divorce, their constant bitching and using us as
pawns, my father getting custody and kicking us out when I was
15 and my mother was given 3 months to live, having brain surgery
when I was 18, holding my sister's hand during her first bone
marrow biopsy when I was 19, my grandfather having his organs
rearranged because of cancer, learning how to train my brain
to make it through college, my mother's death, my education
in Russia (being there when their market crashed almost felt
like this minus the deaths), being dot bombarded and now this.
All the
while being over-stimulated from a media I no longer trust because
we do not share the same perceptions about life. If there is
one thing I have felt the strongest about is that it's time
for the Boomers to step down (except Dan Rather) and let us
take over. You have enough money and fame. Retire. Give us a
chance to prove ourselves especially since the economy is tanking
and there is no way someone like me can get get on their feet.
I have
an open mind. It's hard not to after you've had brain surgery.
If there is one thing I have learned about grief is that in
its wake the birds still chirp, the bees still sting and the
sun shines bright. None of us can change the past but we sure
as hell can shape the future.
Another
thing that really chaps my chode is if we spend so much money
on intelligence then why weren't intelligent people able to
think "Dur, we haven't had many highjacks since the late seventies
and early eighties, I wonder what these people are up to?" I
sure could have used some of that money for my college education.
And this
whole thing about airport security... what a joke. Everyone
is up in arms about it. Picking up the rental after my car broke
down in Oklahoma City, ironically enough, and seeing armed cops
standing around "protecting" us seemed a little bit ludicrous.
Psst...
I have a secret to tell you, these people didn't use bombs,
they used their minds. They demonstrated that you can be a wimp
and collapse an economy in less than 10 days just by thinking.
So please, quit strip searching me just because I want to fly
away.
Think
of terrorism like cancer. You have an enemy and you know with
the proper tools surgeons can cut it out and allow the living
tissue to thrive. The Afganie Government can't hand HIM over
because HE funds them. That's why he chose that country.
In closing
I would like to say we needed this. We needed a wake up call
to remind us who we are and what we are doing with our lives
and we needed to realize just how precious each and every one
of our lives are in the weaving of time.
Monday
September 24, 2001
You know
those days when you wake up and you have to be a bitch?
I walked
into the bank and one lady told me that they would not wave
the fines they levied on my account because like a dipshit I
didn't close that bank account. So I walked into the main branch,
bitched about how much money I had made them at one time and
that it was stupid to have me as a bad check writer for a measly
$114.99 of fines they put on my fucking account.
I was
really pissed when I went to Cal Fed a couple of weeks ago and
they said that I had written bad checks here and that I couldn't
have a checking account or my name couldn't be put on our business
account.
I was
happy when the asshole came out to tell me that because I hadn't
technically written bad checks and blah blah blah that my fines
were let go and the shit saying that I wrote bad checks would
come off my account.
So that
makes me happy. Assholes. I knew if I wasn't here to take care
of it it would have never happened but I was fuming and pissed
and I always get my way when I am like that.
And who
said being a cunt never paid off?
