August 18, 1997
I totally ripped this idea off from Zack because he told me that I should start keeping a journal. I just got back from his place after spending my summer in Russia and a few days in Germany. It was nice to get away from my family. Of those that don't know, my mother is dying of cancer. She has been for the last 10 years. Although she is still among the living, it is hard to watch her deteriorate into a child. I really admire my mother, but right now I hate her too. I know that she can't help being sick, but three weeks ago her doctor "released her from treatment." I guess he thought that she could use the rest from Chemo. She has been on Chemo for 10 years straight now... Anyways, her doctor reconsidered and he mixed her up a new batch the last Friday. She neglected to tell me this when it happened so that's why I am angry with her. As long as she is barfing and still on Chemo, there seems to be some shimmer of hope. She doesn't particularly want to die, but this is emotional warfare, and I was enlisted.
So, things will probably get worse now that I am back from Europe and I have to move back home. I don't want to, but I should. I just broke up with my boyfriend of four years and eight months. I am starting to have second doubts about it, but I'm not going to honey glaze it, it's been over for a year now. Nobody tells you that even if you get along, and everything for the most part, works out and you still love one another, it still doesn't mean it's going to work out. I still love him, he's a wonderful person, but we can't be together anymore.
So I am wondering if I am making a mistake. Andy has been there for me through everything. Zack said in some ways it's easier to be the one dumped because the person that is dumped can get over the other person, and the one that dumps always is like "Well... I can go back to that person..." I talked to a good friend of mine on the plane last night, Jen. We have known each other since we were in Middle School together.
It's so weird how fate works... I told her this spring I was going to Russia and she wanted to go to Africa. Well, when the time came, and she was supposed to go with her boyfriend, he chickened out. He broke up with her 2 weeks ago. She seemed to be composed rather well. But it was so weird... She wants to go to teach English and this other girl I used to work with (and just so happened to be in the airport too) had taught English in Japan and was telling Jen what she needed to do to get it all worked out. They sat and talked and I am really proud of her. I really hope she does go overseas. She said doesn't need a relationship right now, that she never really has been alone. It was nice talking about it all.
I have to go. I need to take Andy's name off of my bank account. I need to get my own ppp set up. I need to get some boxes and start packing. School starts next week. I don't need the credit. I need to finish my work for my professor so I can graduate with my BFA.
So, those are the things going on right now. I'm graduating soon, my mom's dying of cancer, and I just dumped my boyfriend. I'm really scared, but I shouldn't be. At least we didn't have one of those awful break-ups. It was civil and we can still talk to one another. I can't tell how he feels about things. I guess I wish he were mad at me and then I could at least feel guilty, but he's not. He's not anything.
August 20th
So, Andy and I went and did laundry. He doesn't understand why I want to still be his friend. I think he would prefer to mope around the house on the computer after work than interact with me, which is basically what he did all summer. So, it's as if I didn't even come home in a way. He's not a bad person, it just didn't work out, we were both making each other miserable and he KNOWS that.
After all the years of fighting with him to get him to show me a sign of affection he finally sent me a tickle me Elmo while I was in Russia. I was so angry with him at that point because I had already made up my mind to dump him. I was not true to him when I went to Germany and once I knew I could sleep with another man I knew I could not cling to the childish idea of staying with one partner the rest of my life. I'm way too sexual and the predictable Engineer's Wednesady/Sunday sex left a stale taste in my mouth.
Lena, my host mother, was in awe at the sight of little Elmo. I cast him aside (because no one can take the place of my ratty old Grover) she begged me to give him to her so she could send him to her neice living in Italy. I gave him to her and bought another one in Chicago.
He has to move out this weekend. He still didn't tell his parents we broke up. They haven't asked but they keep on calling to talk to me. I have nothing to say to them... Thank God for caller ID, is all I have to say. They pissed me off right before I left by trying to blame me for Andy not finishing college. What the fuck ever. Andy is a big boy now and he makes his own decisions.
I guess that's what I am starting to realize, that I have changed so much since my first trip to Russia, and although he has traveled all of this country, his perspective on life hasn't really changed. I hate that. He is content to living life in the same manner in which his parents live. Vomit. I think I would rather have my left tit cut off. I am not like them. I don't want to be a teacher, like my mom was. I want to have power and money, and if that makes me a bad person, then let it, because I have been poor and it sucks.
So, I need to do 50 million things. I decided to go on and get bullshit art courses out of the way so I will have my BFA in Photography, not just a BA, and I already finished the hard courses anyway, so what the hell. This way, I will be more "marketable." Although I am going to apply for law school too. It doesn't hurt to have a few options floating around.
I don't feel as scared about being alone. Most of my friend's have always had a boyfriend, and I think that makes women suck in this society. I was 20 before I had a real boyfriend and Priscilla told me today she thought Andy was an energy sucker. I see her point. I think since I have been with Andy, I have been more... domesticated. I have the energy to go out and make something of myself, but he doesn't, and his fears and anxieties filtered into me. Since death has had it's grips on my family for so long, I have this insatiable appetite to live. Now I just need money to afford that lifestyle.
When I came home the other day, I wanted to turn around and leave. I have so much shit. I need to have a gigantic yard sale and get rid of half of it. I have tons of pictures, because I have such a strange memory. But all the nick-knacks, how necessary are they? Some of the newly acquired nick-knacks are cool. Oh well, I will weed through it all and sell some of this shit.
I need to go bathe now. The Jenny McCarthy show is on and I am really curious to see what part of white trash culture I missed out on over the summer. I really thought that her... essence would fade with the summer, but it seems America's desire for white trash has hit an all time... low. I suppose it's from the tragedy of Roseann no longer doing her show. Maybe I should pop open a beer...
OH MY GOD! Revelation! That's why they call coke pop... because of the sound it makes when you open the can! Cool...
August 21
We found a place for Andy to live. I am glad. He will be living with 10 other boys that are also in engineering school. Maybe THEY can motivate him to finish school.
He told me how he expected a little switch to be turned off or something, that I would treat him so much different. I haven't quit caring about him, I just know it didn't work out.
I felt like a shit because he started tearing up. Fuck it. I am not his mother and I am sick of being put in that role. I think it was a necessary phase to go through, however. Necessary in the development of my personality.
So, Melissa and I went to the fair today. I tried to explain to German boy what a fair was. I guess they were invented in Europe, so I would think he would understand... but then again, maybe not.
I smuggled in some Cuban cigars from France. I could have gone to jail! How exciting. Now I can sell a cigar for $50 a piece. I think that's a fair price for my "almost" going to jail. No, I think I will just keep them because they are yummy.
It's going to be weird having him gone. I will be relieved so I can start having boys over. Maybe I won't have boys over. Maybe I will invite a bunch of monks to come instead... live a cloistered life, yeah, that's the ticket...
I need a room-mate, so if you know any little gay boys that need a place to live, I would really appreciate it if you send them my way.
OK... well, I think I am going to go to bed soon. I think I should be packing Andy's shit, but it's his stuff, let him move it out. No, I need to go through stuff and figure out what I want to keep and what I want to throw away. Four years is an awful long time to live with someone, so I guess I need to give him... stuff I don't want. No, that's too bitchy. That's why God invented yard sales...
August 24th
I think I forgot to mention I ate ostrich at the fair. It's yummy in my personal opinion.
So... I don't know what to say, I had all these things I wanted to write about, but... now I forgot. Guess I will do so tomorrow.
August 25th
I started school today. One of the first questions all my teachers and acquaintances asked was how Andy is doing. I tell them we are no longer together. My photography professor scolded me for the manner in which I told her we were no longer together. Then I re-phrased it by saying "I lost 200 pounds while I was in Russia." It takes them a few minutes before they realize what in the hell I am talking about.
I was so disappointed in Sparks last night. I think I have outgrown it. I think I have outgrown Kentucky as a whole. But I did cry when I found out the Belle of Louisville is sinking. I don't understand how I can have so much attachment to an inanimate object, but then again. I think most people are attached to those kinds of things, the stuff that makes you feel like you are a part of a culture.
Ronnie was in Russian class this morning. I told him and Lisha that they would be back. Russia is about 50 years behind in living conditions and about 500 years behind in thinking. All the foreigners I met in Russia get together and make fun of everything about Russia, but there is something endearing about Russia, and I can't quite put my finger on it.
Well, I have to go. I have a seminar on how to teach kids how to read, so I guess I need to figure out where I need to go. I will be putting up new photos of Russia soon. This time, I took pictures of people.
August 26th
I hate that fucking dick right now. He never told his fucking parents we were broke up and so they just "show up" today. His father had the audacity to yell at me! I'm not his fucking kid! I can't control him and he doesn't want to control himself so... what the fuck ever.
I'm waiting for him to come home right now. I want to yell and scream at him for being a dick and for making me feel this way. That's not true, I make myself feel this way. It's just by him not taking responsibility and telling his parents makes me somehow responsible. Whatever.
I don't know why he didn't want to tell them. I don't care anymore, I wish that were true. I'm mad at him for so many reasons but the basic one is that he just didn't do anything. He didn't put into the relationship and no matter how much I want it to work out, I can't do it alone.
I need to go watch some mind-numbing TV right now. Actually, I think I am going to go swimming at my mom's. It's been God-awful hot here today and I need to feel water around me.
I started the day off at my mom's. I mixed up an appointment in my head that is NEXT Tuesday, so I went to mom's house and laid in her arms and tried to sleep. I started to cry a little instead. I couldn't remember the last time I did that and felt close to my mom. I am really grateful I had that opportunity... it will be a great memory.
We are praying for her tonight. I don't believe in religion, but I do believe in prayer. If her liver function is less then a 3, then she's going to go to the NIH in Maryland for gene therapy treatment, that's so cool! My mom may make history. But... I guess we all need to pray for her so she can be a bigger freak. Hey, as long as they don't cut her, I'm happy.
