Monday
October 2, 2000
I think
I am coming to a point in my life where I stop and say "What
the hell was I thinking?"
I mean
does it happen to everyone? One day they wake up and they realize
that everything they were working for and everything they believe
in was all a fucking lie and the person they wanted to be has
been battered into this nothing...
I am sick
of chasing guys. I am going to let them come to me from now
on. I am also not going to change the course of my life to suit
someone else. I would love to be passionate about someone and
love someone with all my heart but not only am I scared of that
I am scared it's never going to happen.
I'm in
New Orleans right now, sitting on the floor of a hotel room.
Jenn is asleep as are Dezi and Sharee. 4 hot babes out in the
Big Easy. When we walked around the French Quarter last night
every guy turned his head.
I know
I should be working on something to impress the people I interviewed
with but I figured that I would probably never have this opportunity
to spend time with Jenn like this again plus Sharee and meeting
Dezi for the first time too. We are all kind of the walking
wounded, hurt by guys in some way or another.
I don't
know why women put up with this shit. Sometimes I think I would
like nothing more than to wake up in Andy's arms and think that
the last few years of my life have been nothing but a bad experience,
while other times I am glad to have the freedom being single
allows me.
There
is always someone new... someone that can captivate my interest.
Someone that I wouldn't mind spending time with but I am growing
weary of thinking there is someone out there that meets my ideal
in so many ways willing to accept and love me for who I am and
love me the way I need to be loved.
Maybe I
should just be selfish and quit being so god damn giving.
I don't
know... I'm going through another transition phase again and
I hate it. What am I going to do with my life?
I was
plagued by nightmares of David Khazi. I had a dream I went to
his house and it was out in the desert and we went swimming
and I wasn't getting the information I needed from my last job.
I hope to god I never have a job like that again. Jenna and
I were talking about how weird it was the other day and I said
"I have never worked in such a weird place before and I hope
to never do it again."
Dez said
I need to get a portfolio together and just go to New York.
I don't
understand how this industry is driven. They say they are global
and that there are people all over the planet that can sit at
home and work on their computers but I am finding it difficult
to find that kind of opportunity.
I am thinking
about going back to school and getting my Cisco certification.
That way I will always be in demand and can basically work whenever
I want.
Although
that doesn't really keep me from dreaming about that job I interviewed
for last week. One more interview...
I also
got to see Michelle this weekend. That was so nice. It was her
birthday on Friday. We all went to this South American restaurant
and it was yummy... but the service sucked. It was nice to hang
out with Mili, Jacinta, Maya, York, Ebol and Kevin. She is living
out in San Mateo now. She is so busy with work. She told me
she loved me very much and that made me feel so good.
I don't
get to hear that as often as I would like. I'm really missing
my mommy these days more and more and more.
Tuesday
October 3, 2000
There's
nothing better than a couple of days in New Orleans to make
a girl feel so right.
My photos
are featured in Babeland's Salon Sexualis.
Wednesday
October 4, 2000
And then
to finally make the decision to move to San Francisco once and
for all.
Thursday
October 5, 2000
Let me
just tell you how much I hate Deanna. She gave me permission
to use the photos I took of her on babland and didn't check
out the site. After they were up she e-mailed them and told
them that she wanted them down because she didn't like the nature
of the site. This coming from the biggest slut I have ever met.
This ruined my chance to have my photos featured there.
I hate
her so much. She is such a shallow inconsiderate bitch. I really
try hard never to diss someone because I think it's a bad reflection
of me but in this case she has really fucked me over and I don't
appreciate it one fucking bit.
Whatever...
I am so sick of this place. This is just the end of it. I know
things happen for a reason... and I hope this one is to show
me just how bad I don't need to be here.
I would
love to lay it all out her personality, her insecurities everything
that makes her the hateful person she has become but I am not
like that. I don't enjoy saying negative things because I always
try to look for the best in everyone. She had the audacity to
tell me that she didn't want to see me cry and the next day
she turned around and e-mailed me that she wasn't just a fair
weather friend, that she was really there for me when I needed
her.
And when
I got back from Russia I got sick of feeding her ego because
she always needed to be told how pretty she was. Well one thing
is for certain, if she were fat she wouldn't be attractive and
she would say shit about Jenna so that means she would say shit
about me. But I guess since I was cool it was OK for me to be
heavier. Doesn't matter because she won't be attractive if she
gains an ounce because her personality fucking sucks.
Dez and
I were talking about that last night. Why do girls in front
of their friends constantly talk about how fat they are? Is
it so your friends can sit there and tell you how lovely you
are?
I can't
say that I really care for those kinds of women in my life because
they aren't terribly real. I don't like to have conversations
about how I look or how the other person that is in front of
me looks. I like to be told I am attractive but my god, who
has time to feed a voracious ego that destroys everything in
its path?
When it
all boils down to it none of that shit matters. The funny thing
is she tried to peg me to be just as shallow as she is and I
was like "I have never been shallow." I always try to find redeeming
qualities in everyone and as an artist I can see the beauty
in everyone.
This is
making me sick to my stomach. Part of me just wants to go back
and delete it all but I won't.
I think
this is my favorite quote "You mean you don't fuck your all
your guy friends?" Um... no... that's why they are just my friends.
I bought
my ticket. I leave the 19th.
Sunday
October 8, 2000
I had a
nightmare last night... or maybe it was more of a reality check.
I dreamt about my mother and how she gave everything to my brother
and how that made me feel betrayed. My brother has been talking
to my grandparents. Still he sees no fault in anything he has
ever done to us.
I am tired.
I am so very, very tired. All I can thinking about is escape.
It's making me realize more and more that this is not my place
in the world. I don't belong here and I had this overwhelming
desire to throw everything that belonged to my mother away when
I awoke this morning. Throw everything away... Free myself from
all the betrayed feelings I keep buried inside.
They say
if you smoke pot you don't dream but last night I was really,
really high and I dreamt that. Maybe it's time I cut back because
it's not healthy for me to not dream about my mother betraying
me.
Monday
October 23, 2000
So... that
was some time away.
What to
talk about... this is weird. I usually just update my journal
on the server so watching the words flow across the screen as
they should be is strange for me.
I had an
awful "date" on Friday. Some jerk from LA found my
site and is living in Tahoe and was interested in me. I should
listen to Jacinta and quit meeting guys that way but on the
flip side I met this hottie that picked me up from the airport.
I am, indeed, infatuated with him. He is majoring in ME at San
Jose state and he has long blond hair and he does goofy voices
like me. I took him out to Carl's Jr. for a burger to show my
appreciation to him and we kept flirting and we got along better
and better.
So maybe
something will come of that but it's certainly nice to flirt
and have someone to think about a little.
I haven't
found a job yet. For some reason I am not freaking out a either.
Michelle and me are getting along great. I haven't gotten along
with someone this well in a really long time. We have been walking
for the past two days and this morning we went to aerobics.
I think the instructor was disgusted with me but I can honestly
say I don't give a shit.
I think
it's sad to say but I really don't give a shit about anyone
else's opinions except that of my closest friends. The tragic
thing is that when people have nice things to say about me I
don't believe it but when they have bad things to say then I
take it to heart although I am getting better at this. I don't
know if I am just preparing myself for being rejected over and
over again or if I honestly don't give a shit.
Michelle's
roommate gave my resume to a friend and the friend thinks he
might be able to get me on at Hitachi. I don't think I am going
to take the first thing that come to me though unless it's once
again, a dream job. I don't feel like bouncing around here and
there and I certainly don't want to make less then a 6 figure
salary. I know this is being picky but I know what I am worth
in this market and I am not going to let anyone try to convince
me otherwise.
We went
out with her friends yesterday. Pino, Sergio and Mark. It was
a lot of fun. At one point we went to the North Shore near Coit
Tower and just laid around in the park watching people do their
thing. There was an art exhibit going on... We went back to
Sergio and Pina's place and Sergio made us dinner and we drank
yummy wine.
I kept making people laugh the whole night so that was fun and
it was nice to know that I could make a lot of people laugh.
I said at one point "This is why my friends are going to
miss me..." I don't know what else to write about...
Tuesday
October 24, 2000
Whew.
I got that over with. So today I officially got password control
on my journal so no one can come here unless I give them permission.
I think that is cool as hell. I must thank Andy and Joe for
their help.
I haven't
done much of anything although last night I
made one of the prettiest pages I have ever made. I love
to go back and stare at it.
I hate
to admit it but I think my page looks much better in Explorer.
Michelle
is contemplating breaking up with her boyfriend. It makes me
sad because I could tell her really loved her because he would
call her in the middle of the night just to tell her he was
thinking about her.
Last night
I watched the Biography on Anne Rice. I cried when her daughter
died from Leukemia. I miss Jenna. I miss all my friends back
at home but I am trying to be brave right now. Pretend like
I am not sensitive about much of anything but freaking out because
I can't just drive on over to see my sister and nephews if I
am feeling fucked up.
Today
I haven't looked for a job very much. Maybe I should start calling
some of the places I send my resume to. I think I need to beef
up my resume again because the woman that did it had no clue
how to talk about technical skills and now that I am getting
a better understanding of certain systems I want to beef things
up.
Naturally
it's another beautiful day here today. Michelle's room mate
is freaking me out a bit. I think he is one of those guys that
pretends to only have your best interest at heart but can turn
on you like a snake. I was using his phone today and it was
ringing one time so I answered it and he told me from now on
I needed to tell him when I was going to answer his phone. Hello...
if I knew I was going to answer it then why would I have to
tell you?
There
is some strange tension there. He says shit all the time about
how I shouldn't get jealous when he has girls over and don't
ever tell him he wasn't thinking of me when he had a friend
of his submit his resume around.
I honestly
can't stand people like that. My God if you need that much attention
all the fucking time then get a dog or something. I do things
for people all the time and I don't fucking sit here and brag
about it. I don't even write about some of the awesome things
I do for people because it's a personal experience and I am
humbled by it.
So I am
sad today for Michelle. I wish I wasn't so fucking empathetic
but I am not in the greatest position in the world right now
so what can I do? Plus I don't want to think too much about
my own precarious situation, either.
I chatted
with Dima on ICQ today. I don't know if we said anything great
to one another but it was a good conversation.
I am hoping
I am not wearing out my welcome here. I don't think I will be
but you can never tell with people. I want to give everyone
their space but at the same time I don't want to lose too much
by being distant. I came out here to kind of take care of myself,
get away from things back at home because I was overwhelmed.
I don't
know... I need to clean around the house a bit and take a nap
because I didn't go to sleep until 3 and woke up around 9. Saturday
I slept until 3 because I took some phrenagren so I wouldn't
wake up. Fits of insomnia aren't what I need right now...
Wednesday
October 25, 2000
I just
found out Tanya's brother is dead.She was waiting to tell me
in person but things are so fucked up right now. She could believe
that I didn't know. She couldn't believe I was acting like I
didn't know and then she told me and I swear... I almost started
laughing.
My God...
first she lost her niece and then her brother. Sometimes I wonder
what it would be like if I lost mine. I don't think I would
honestly care enough which makes me sad. It should have been
mine. My brother isn't deserving of his life but who ever realizes
they are deserving of their lives as they live them?
Why do
you think they have sayings like "If I were 10 years younger..."
The funny
thing is that I felt this ache in my soul and I could tell there
was something not quite right. She was more distant than usual.
Thursday
October 26, 2000
Another
day at aerobics... Michelle drug my ass out on Monday and really
drug it out yesterday.
I am tired
already. I talked to one recruiter on the phone yesterday that
was willing to pay me $70 an hour and another asshole from Aquent
that was just willing to pay me $25. I hate these fucking roaches.
I hate recruiters. I hate looking for that ideal job and I hate
that I have to be embarrassed about my web page because of the
content.
I wish
to god I could be judged on my talent alone.
I talked
to that Chris guy today. He is
pretty awesome. It seems that most of the boys out here are
overworked. No time for much of anything but eating, sleeping
and shitting outside of work.
He was
telling me I should look at the shoe being on the other foot
and how would I feel if someone was running a sit titled "one
opinionated bitch". I saw his point but still... maybe it's
just my problem with society in general. I think everyone should
look a little deeper to the the value of people instead of being
so fucking shallow.
After
talking to Tanya on the phone last night though I kind of got
in touch with those feelings I have... what's the fucking point
to it all? I mean I am by no means sucidial and after watching
her agonize over this I some how feel more of a responsibility
to people I love. Maybe that's the main reason I haven't succeeded.
That and
for some fucked up reason I actually feel like I have some kind
of purpose to be here too, even if it is just making pretty
pictures.
* *
*
I guess
there is a certain amount of freedom I have now that I didn't
have before.
I am going
to Conni's tonight. I am rather excited. I haven't smoked pot
for 5 days now and I am feeling edgy.
The great
thing about being out here is that it's legal now. I don't have
to feel like a criminal because with my medical history I can
get it as a patient.
Yet another
reason to call this place home.
I got
a shitty e-mail from my sister. She's such a cunt. I told her
she could use my truck since she was in a wreck the other day.
She was surprised I was willing to lend her my car. I don't
care anymore.
I just
want to start a job and start fucking around here. I want to
feel settled and I want to make 100K a year. I think that would
be awesome to say I was making a 100K before I was 30. I still
have some time before that happens so we will see.
Friday
October 27, 2000
So it
looks like Microsoft was having a little trouble from the Russians.
Sounds
like someone needs to base an office over there to keep those
Russians in check.
Oh how
I would love to be a spy right about now. That would be fun
to go over there, marry a Russian and try and find some of the
people that are going to bring Microsoft to their knees.
I think
my friend from Norwich was right. The only wars that will be
fought from now on will be economic.
Sigh...
Anyways... can I just tell you how much nicer it is being unemployed
in California than in Kentucky? I am sitting in my friend Conni's
place and it's magical. I look over the fence and there is an
orange rose popping over the privacy fence and the mountains
just beyond that. The view is breath taking. The sun is shining
bright. It's chilly here. It's lovely. Palm trees and ever greens.
I just want to sit here forever enjoying myself.
I love
Conni so much. She means so much to me. Of all the people I
can just open my heart and soul to she is the easiest. She is
like that with me too and it's comforting. She had her clit
pierced the other week and I was telling her how to take care
of it. For 20 years she has wanted to do it and I had mine done
5 years ago. She showed me photos of it and told me how she
was walking on campus the other day and it got caught... I was
like "Yowsers!"
I can't
wear a ring anymore. It makes my body shut down and achy. So
I am ringless. We were joking last night that I needed to find
a man that can buy me a platinum ring to put in there.
There
is life out here!!! Judith and Conni were deep in a tantric
trance when Michelle and I pulled up and I felt as if we were
disturbing something so sacredly intimate. I almost felt ashamed
to have Michelle with me because I don't know what she thinks
about such things. I guess I shouldn't care either because I
am not responsible for her.
All I
know is that these women out here are healers. And there is
a deep connection to a strong life line. Maybe I don't always
say the right things and should be less cocky about the things
I know but I know who I am and I don't have the ego to go with
the power I feel within myself and I think that is a healthy
thing.
I get
my rocks off on things other people can't, like shitting in
a hole in the Ukraine. I don't need to make anyone feel better
about themselves or their ideas about life although I do. I
think being horribly abused has led me to not have much of an
ego although here it must seem like I have a tremendous one.
Conni
wasn't able to keep a diary since she was married and that makes
me sad. I don't know... I guess from having a diary for so long
it's kind of hard for me to imagine someone trying to make me
give it up.
When I
took mine down off the place it had been sitting for so long
even I knew it wouldn't be down forever... I just got sick of
my mentally ill brother's friends writing to me telling me that
my perceptions of what happened were wrong. I got sick of my
friends coming here to find out how I was doing instead of asking
me how I was themselves because then I was losing out on parts
of their lives that we could share when we saw one another although
I mainly put it back up for them because they were so encouraging
about my writing.
I miss
all my friends. I miss being able to run right over to see them
but having e-mail makes it a lot easier. I dont' know if you
can tell but I do have a lot of friends. I wouldn't be as mobile
if I didn't.
Sigh...
I should go read about Flash.
Saturday
October 28, 2000
Ahhh...
the disillusioned engineers that work for Cisco. So tragic to
be making 100K and still not be happy.
Houses
where Tatanya live are going for 1.5 million. Shacks. "They
out bid one another... it's all a game to them." When money
means nothing...
It's funny
to see the Cisco attitude. To understand it. Tanya wants no
part of it but then again she is fucked up over her brother
dying. She read me some of his poems today. I wanted to cry
because I felt my heart open up and feel so many different emotions.
The history
that goes behind it. I love Tanya. It's nice being around an
extremely intelligent, beautiful, successful woman and for none
of this to matter to her the way it would to so many different
other people. She's busted her ass to get where she is though.
She's
in the shower now and we are going to go do photos. She is loving
my work.
We went
dancing last night and it was weird not to smell like smoke
when I came out. It was weird for so many reasons. Men falling
off of you just because you are a woman. Like flies to honey.
Tanya and I danced together and she just laughs at all the men
that flock around her.
She has
had a personal trainer over a year now and her body is amazing.
In so
many ways it is so wrong to be out here. To feel like I actually
belong somewhere. To feel the love from all the people that
I am surrounded by. Conni went away for the weekend and lent
me her place. I came here yesterday and Tanya and I just hung
out.
She dumped
the loser she was dating last time I was here. I hated that
prick because he didn't like me. But I knew our relationship
was stronger. That once she had had enough we would be tighter
then ever. IT just took some time and now she swears she will
never get into that shit again.
Before
I left Matt called me a stud. I like that label because really
no others fit. She's a stud too. I need a severe make over.
I looked like a hick last night and I still need to drop about
50 pounds. It's funny how fast that California attitude seeps
into your brain so fast.
But still
I feel attractive.
I don't
know if this is the right way to go about things, but I know
that I feel more alive here than I do any where else in the
US. I know if I work here I can actually afford a lifestyle
I want to enjoy.
I keep
thinking about trying to sell the Kazantip trip to a company
like Benneton as their new Ad Campaign instead of that shit
like they have been doing. I think I would be fairly successful.
I have to find a couple of my friends that are willing to fly
over there (that excludes Matt and Susan because Matt has watched
way too much shit about crashes) so... I have to figure out
if some of them will go over there with me if I submit this
to Benneton or some other company and they are willing to take
it on. I think they will.
Life is
very good right now. Even if I don't have a job yet.
Sunday
October 29, 2000
I took
photos of Tatyana yesterday. We hung out most of the day and
just talked about life. I so needed that. I really hope I can
get on at Cisco. I am sure I will lok back on this and be somewhat
surprised I wanted to because I already know what it's like
going in. Lots of men and hardly any women. Becoming an office
slut... I am reading a book Conni has titled The Ethical
Slut and I think I need to give it a really good reading.
I know
I don't see sex the way I was raised to believe in. I love sex
and I love men. I have learned that I love all kinds of men.
I don't care what they do so much as long as they are brilliant.
I think
I might also exercise my option to be bi-sexual. I think that
is an attitude out here that is very OK. I have a feeling a
lot of the perceptions and attitudes I have would change no
matter what. I was talking to Conni about how I can't feel
the same way that other people do about life... That I need
to find other people that suffer so simply in order to understand
what other people go through because I do not suffer the same
way.
I mean
when you have had brain surgery, watched your mother die a slow,
painful death, watched your sister suffer tremendously, been
abused from the time you were born until you were 16 horrifically
what can you possibly have in common with someone that has only
had the flu?
I started
myself a fire. I love Conni's place. I talked with Jenna too.
Her boyfriend of over a year told her he didn't love her. What
a prick. I don't see how anyone can't love Jenna.
I talked
with Tanya about so many things. It's like having a reflection...
I asked her if she thought that being an artist is such a form
of Narcissism. I told her how Diana asked me why Zack had so
many photos of himself and I said to Tanya I didn't know if
I was being more narcisstic by present my life and what I saw
as one of the ultimate forms of beauty or if Zack was by just
presenting himself.
Then I
told her I didn't like Cindy Sherman's work anymore for the
reason that she is in every fucking photograph. I am sure she
has gotten so much shit through the years because of that but
still... I mean there has to come a point when you say enough
is enough.
When I
started taking photos of her though, my god I think I could
photograph her all the time (because she is so easy and it's
so natural), I told her I didn't care so much if I had her body
because I knew there would never be another photographer that
could photograph me the way that I see other people. She complimented
me in that she knows I don't see life the way other people do
because I am always looking with photographer's eyes.
I don't
know if you have checked out my front page today, but I stayed up last night until about 6 this
morning working on it. I think I have caught the hang of flash
rather well.
Tuesday
October 31, 2000
Happy
Halloween!
Sarah,
Conni's oldest daughter, and I went driving around Santa Cruz
today. Yesterday I laid in bed and read The Ethical Slut
for 100 pages and then fell asleep and woke up and made dinner.
I don't think Conni ever has made them fried chicken but I did.
I think she makes really healthy food.
It was
a lot of fun last night. I had a good time hanging out with
her kids.
But Sarah
is so smart and deep. We can talk about anything. It's nice
to come from somewhere where people aren't open at all to a
place where so many people are willing to tell you so much about
themselves. It's like they aren't afraid of self discovery and
that's a big difference from being in Kentucky where it felt
like everyone was so closed in.
If I don't
get hired by next week sometime I am going to take a job doing
something so I can have some money coming in. I can't afford
to be this broke and without a job out here. Money just dissapates.
OK so I
rented Conni's car from her. That was a big thing. And I paid
my rent back at home. And a bunch of bills. I can't spend any
more money on anything until I get a job. Out of frustration
today I bought myself a tweed coat with fake fur. It's grey
and kind of cool. It will keep me very warm in the way that
my other coats couldn't. It's missing buttons.
I have
to go print out my resume and cover letter at Kinko's. I suppose
I could go to Michelle's work, which is what I think I might
do but I should probably clean up my resume a little. Zack has
this cool little packet he used to present... maybe I should
do something like that.
It feels
kind of weird being out here so many miles from home. I tell
muself everyday that I am never going back. I am actually starting
to believe it. I haven't really done much to my site the past
couple of days but that's because I have been enjoying my time
to myself. I'm all excited about all the possiblities going
on right now.
I got
my first rejection from Pixo. I wrote her back and was like:
Jan,
I don't
know how to go about gaining more experience if companies aren't
willing to give me a chance to get in and prove myself. I am
very driven and determined to make myself a better designer
and would like to find a place I could settle into instead of
constantly switching companies. I think loyalty is a lost cause
in this .com world and it would be refreshing to have a company
such as yours take a risk on someone like me that is willing
to bust their ass to get the job done. You might have other
candidates that have stronger skills or might suit your needs
better but I am willing to bet that you won't find someone who
would be as dedicated as I am at refining their craft nor as
talented.
Sometimes
to see the diamond you have to buff around the edges to see
the clarity and character that diamond possesses.
Thank
you for your consideration.
Catherine
Clay
This was
her responce:
:-)
Excellent
response...let me get thru the candidates already scheduled
this week,and please contact me via mail next Monday 11/06.
I will let you know at that time if we can possibly move forward
on something for you.
-Jan
So that
kind of made my day yesterday. Of coarse they are the first
company I looked at because they send their people to Hawaii
for training. I could take anyone with me and I think because
of all the things Andy has done for me and since Hawaii is like
one of the 2 states he hasn't been to I should take him with
me.
I would
love to take someone for the hell of it but I just can't in
good concious do that to him if I were to get on there.
So...
keep your fingers crossed.
OK...
I should move my ass. I should make my resume pretty and do
some interesting things.
