HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR Cathy HAPPY BIRTHDAY to ME!

So... Today is a memorable Birthday for me. A lot of things are going on that make me excited, scared, happy, the whole gamut. I love some of the things going on but the whole doctor thing has me extremely stressed out. He ran in and in 3 seconds told me I needed new scans after waiting for 5 hours.

He had a trauma he needed to attend to so once again I started wailing. Even before he came in I heard him in the hall saying that he couldn't see anybody. I was crying before then and Florent told me to be calm that I was in a room and that I was going to be seen but I don't think he always hears what is going on.

That put me down a lot but then again he ordered new scans. There was one guy there with staples in his head. He had the brain surgery I need. They cut all along his hairline and he told me that he was going blind and having other problems... that the colors would fade into gray and that's sometimes what can happen to me... or pink looks purple... It's weird.

So the nurse sat there and talked with me for a few minutes but was not nice. He said wonderful things like I would be paralyzed even though I had just told him I had already been. He said that people with what I have usually just keep getting worse and all kinds of things that kept me crying.

But today is another day... it's soooo beautiful. I'm just enjoying hanging with my friends. I heard from Matt, Zack, Nurse Jen, Damian,Michael in Germany, Granny called early and that just tickled me to death. I think I am going to call her back now that I am alone for a while.

I'm really, truly happy right now. Some things are falling apart but I'm just doing the best I can. I guess that's the way it will always be although... I am beginning to believe things are about to change.

Monday June 10, 2002

I have been working on rawstyle.com. I stayed there this weekend to get my head put on after Florent called me a fat bitch last week.

When I heard him say that a part of me died. Not ONLY did he tell me that I shouldn't exercise (because then I would be stronger than he is) but he turns around and calls me this name. I'm not blameless what so ever. I am sure calling him stupid when he says stupid shit among other things have really torn him apart however I think he was fucked up when I met him and now he is just showing his true colors.

I called my Granny, I called my sister and they both agreed (finally) that I should leave him. Lesli told me to stick it out last year this time when I wanted to leave him. I was glad to know she finally changed her mind.

I am sooo tired. It was so nice to have some privacy but it was not nice listening to the traffic. We went to Lonny and Marina's last night and I made some of the best damn fried chicken everyone there had ever tasted. And my famous mashed potatoes.

I never thought I would hate someone as much as I hate him now. OR maybe I just hate myself for letting it get out of hand. He took $200 out of "our" account after I put in "my" paycheck and I'm supposed to be "happy" he "saved" some money even though all I got from that mother fucker for "my" birthday was a "Happy Birthday... I wanted to buy you flowers but they did not compare to your beauty and I wanted to go for a walk and look at flowers with you..."

He is a foreigner with a sexy body that says beautiful things and I am over it.

Fuck him. I'm over it. I would rather be living on the boat by myself but it sure is nice hanging out at Pearl's museum in the Palisades, sleeping on Sunset Blvd.

I think when I heard the words come out of his mouth I decided that there was nothing I could do to ever make this fucker happy because he's so caught up in being miserable.

And I feel like I have lost so much of my identity because he has sucked the life out of me.

And didn't put it back.

I also figured that I can't do any worse. I can get anyone to call me a fat bitch. The last person that called me that to my face got kicked in the cunt. That was my step mother. I keep thinking about what a fuck he's been and it makes me angry but now I know it's time to let the whirlwind out and be free of him for a while.

I think I will live on the boat for a while by myself. That way I can write my book, read, cook for myself, enjoy my company, clean up after myself, take care of myself and all these wonderful things by myself. I think I need to get a new storage facility. I think I need to just get my own shit together and fuck everyone else.

Thursday June 13, 2002

He stole my car.

He stole my car and went to San Francisco. I needed to get some medicine the next morning. Thank God Buzzy had reserves.

I hate him. He's such a fucking prick. I told him to get off the boat. He took my car, he took my purse, he took my camera he took my computer. I have never been so angry in my fucking life and then after apologizing to my sister for being a cunt on MY MOTHER'S BIRTHDAY she blew up at me and told me to never write her again.

I HATE PEOPLE. Except for Buzzy.

What is going on to make all my relationships go to hell?

I give up on Florent. Fuck him. I don't have what it takes to keep that man happy. I don't want to have it either because I hate him. What a fucking asshole. I woke up on what would have been my mother's 57th birthday and called his mother to tell her what he had done. His phone got cut off. No cell. So when he called me from San Francisco I told him I had called his mother.

"You're not nice." He told me.

"Neither are you." He should be glad I didn't call the fucking cops on him. Get your shit and get off the boat. Talking about all this shit how I was breaking his heart and that just made me want to vomit. Get off your LAZY ASS and TAKE CARE OF YOUR SICK WIFE. Get away from me you fucking psycho. There is no way it is ever going to work once you stole my car.

Then he comes back the next day after talking to his mother and she told him to bring the car back. His Aunt called because his mom thought he had died or something horrible. I told his aunt and then his cousin that spoke perfect English called me and once I told him almost everything he said "He's a 'normal' guy here in France."

I wanted to puke.

He gets on the boat and he says why don't we write how we feel to one another.

"Blah blah blah... I can't remember... I hate you you are a psycho. I want to punch you I want to slap you I want to throw you in the ocean. It's my mother's birthday today. I'm glad she's not alive to see HOW YOU TREAT ME. I hate you you scare me you fucking psycho." Is how I wrote it out.

His went "I love you I just want to work this out bullshit lies and more bullshit and lies." I don't think the two matched up.

"Catherine, darling, I got you that boat to live on and you are going to give it up that easily?"

"Get off the boat." I told him after packing all my stuff up.

Thank God we don't have kids. I can see how he would be with them already. Jealous, possessive and full of hatred because for some reason he hates me.

"Catrina... we support YOU"

You mean you trust me over your own nephew? You knew this kind of psycho existed and you put me through this kind of shit? No wonder he didn't want me to meet you all because you all knew he was fucked up.

I have been at Buzzy's all day washing my clothes, cleaning my car out. She gave me one of those club things that goes on your car the other day. I wish I would have known I would have put it on there the other day.

Fucking bastard. I bet he didn't even change the oil or even add any.

I picked up a shirt that belonged to my mother. I wore it the other day because I didn't have any clean clothes. I went to wash it and it smelled like her. I sat there outside Buzzy's yard smelling my mom's shirt sitting in the back of my car crying because it smelled like she did. I came inside and told Buzzy all about it and we sat here and cried over our dead loved ones. Thank God I have her in my life.

He would always say things to me like "Don't listen to your friend's they are all single. We've got to be strong." I have got to be strong while you are a LAZY fuck that rides on my back.

Fuck that. I don't care. I would rather be single.

Friday June 14, 2002

I am going through some shit.

I am going through some serious shit.

I called to talk to Granny yesterday and she told me that Pop might have had a stroke. I need to be there. My heart hurts for so many reasons.

I thought Florent could be someone I could trust which is why I fell in love with him but I am feeling like maybe I was just being stupid. My God... if I think about it now I am going to start crying. I have never felt such overwhelming feelings of anger, betrayal and hurt then I do right now.

I am waiting in line to get ATP so I can get my medicine for free because I don't have $150 to pay for it. I don't know if I should just start the divorce or just cool it for a while. I wish he would just leave me alone but he came by last night and kept asking me if he could come in and when I kept telling him no he finally started to say "I'm uncomfortable out here."

"So."

"Can I come in?"

"No." I finally had to break down and tell him that he is an asshole and I can't stand it anymore. I don't want him or his shit any longer. That he lied and betrayed me and I don't want anything to do with him. I told him to leave me alone and he didn't listen.

Now I am tired from working out and not eating enough. High... sitting here waiting to get in so I can go get my medicine working on my G4 laptop. He fucked my camera up so now it only takes photos at one speed. My heart hurts. I can't believe I feel for his con. I told him everything I felt in my heart about him. A con man. That's all he is. I gave him my heart and he had no intention of getting his shit together enough to make it happen. None. There is no ambition. There are ideas but actions speak louder than words and he never got it together.

I want to cry but I can't. Today is Granny's birthday. Tyler is going to Europe on the 20th. I think I am going to see if I can go to Danville for a week or so soon because I feel so far away.

I really thought it would work. He wouldn't even apologize. This sailor, Thomas, came by the boat when he was begging, asked for a pipe sat down and they had a wild conversation about love, consciousness and whatever while I sat there and sewed the buttons I had gotten at Jo-Anne fabrics in Santa Monica on my leather coat. I think I have the best taste in buttons. I found some cool metal ones and I picked some out for Granny and they were only .20 cents. I was ecstatic about my find.

So while they were sitting there I was crossing my legs and thinking of my grandmother and how she crosses her legs and sits there and sews like I was last night with a needle and a thread hemming or patching or putting on buttons. I was relieved the other day when I realized I had put all the clothes she made me in a suitcase that is in storage. I thought they were in the rad yellow basket I had paid so much money for... the perfect laundry basket... those fuckers are hard to find and Florent lost mine when we were moving.

I can't stand it anymore. Something had to give and I am glad I realized it was more that relationship than me that had to go. I want to run around and be a slut and all these things but I think I am going to be more careful who I give my heart to next time.

Buzzy said "Well you only knew each other for 3 days."

"He wasn't like this before the motorcycle accident." He was a cocky bastard that could do anything. He convinced me of that. Now I see him for who he really is. Thank God we don't have children.

I'm glad to know now instead of waiting for something even worse to happen. Is this where I am supposed to be understanding and compassionate and still love my husband no matter what? For some reason... I don't think it works that way.

I am very sore. 20 minutes on the bike. 10 doing machines. 25 walking. I am going to treat living on the boat like a resort. Come home, exercise, work on my projects, cook a little dinner, take care of myself. If he really wanted things to work out he would clean up the boat. He would do all the things I would like him to do but he's only interested in freaking over me and what I am doing.

Buzzy gave me a Club to use on my car and when he saw that I think HE was insulted. I wanted to tell him to fuck off when he mentioned it. When I woke up at 6 this morning to come here he was coming down the dock to get the bike he borrowed from the cunt who told him once she bought a taco stand he could work for her making tacos. I wrote her an e-mail and told her she wasn't much of a recruiter if she couldn't find Florent a job in computers. But he went there to her and as far as I am concerned he can go live with her.

I'm starving. It's 7:23 am. I smell from working out. I am number 7 in line. The traffic on the 405 getting back is going to suck a lot. I hope it only takes a few moments for me to be here. Once I take my medicine I will be too nauseated to eat.

I looked at Buzzy yesterday and said "Do I look any thinner? I lost 125 pounds yesterday!" It took a while but she got it. I just wish he wouldn't be psycho and he would just leave me alone. I need him to go away. I wish I could figure out the best way out of this poverty.

Sunday June 16, 2002

I did it. I left.

All these overwhelming emotions I have right now are too much for me to deal with. I came over to Pearl's to work on her site and just started pouring my heart out to her. It's been a huge relief because she has let several relationships go. By the time I was done telling her the saga since we got married I was exhausted and had to take a nap.

I don't know what I dreamt about but I tossed and turned the entire afternoon.

I still don't know how to feel or what to think. Life is kind of hard right now, that's for sure.

I called to wish my grandfather a Happy Father's Day and my brother was there. I am going to go back to Kentucky soon. Like as soon as I get paid I am going to make a car payment and then go to Kentucky for a week or so. I would like to go to Chicago to go sit with Zack too. I want to do so many things.

The Hustler Chili cook off is going to happen this weekend. There is a cocktail party on the 20th too. I would like to go to that.

I wish I could let all these things go and just forget and forgive everything that has happened to me and just think that's the way people can be but I don't know how. I can barely take care of myself. Stings holding on to my sanity. What I have come to believe... how immature.

Thinking of my dad raising us kids... what the fuck were they thinking? He dealt with it all the best he could. Always mean though. I'm mean. I am a mean person. I am angry. I am full of rage and I haven't had an outlet to deal with it all. I should start painting. I should be creating.

I guess Dr. Kloner was right... artists are always deconstructing things. Making them new and different. Thoughts fleeting of past lovers never met. Fleeting moments of tenderness in my heart not from Florent. Realizing so much... Feeling so small and insignificant.

THAT'S NOT ME!

I am not this person I have become. I am not honest. Only liars have to tell themselves that. Shit I can lie to myself the best just to make life more tolerable but I don't want that shit anymore. I want it all. I am going to bust my ass. I used to be like that... once upon a time or maybe I was always fucked up.

Oh... I remember when it all fell apart. Mom died.

How can you tame someone that is wild. Thoughts of being raised in the country. Riding my dirt bike my daddy got me for my 10th birthday. That was the best birthday I have ever had. A fishing pole and a dirt bike. Wild, crazy and free. Angry when my mom sold my bike. That was my red Huffy.

Fuck... I'm going to bed. Too much shit to think about and I am sick of being a prisoner to my thoughts.

Matt had a birthday in all this mess and I missed it. I'm sorry Matt...I'm a little lost.

Tuesday June 18, 2002

I was at my mom's house entwined intimately in her bed with my ex German lover. There was much rolling around and lots of giggles and lots of feeling good. However in the back of my mind I was still a married woman and Florent was going to come in at any moment. When we heard feet coming up the stairs I went rushing out only to find my brother there asking me what "Hawthorne" was... or where it was. "That's where Florent used to work."

I tried to be intimate with him once again and his gorgeous cock but I woke up instead.

Florent admitted to abusing me last night. He was sorry for the way he has been treating me. Then "Why don't you just come home?"

He called Tyler and asked if I was with him the other night. Tyler came up to me and said "Florent called you yesterday and said that when I see you that he misses you."

"Well, he should have thought of that before he mistreated me."

"It hurts. My chest hurts everyday."

I thought about how I told him the other day "You need a little heart break, HONEY."

I had a little accident yesterday. I was driving down Venice Blvd. and the traffic abruptly stopped. I was afraid I was going to hit someone so I pulled into the double yellow and by the time I saw the Green LTD I stopped. He, however, didn't see me so he pushed on the gas and hit me. I was stopped there and he was moving. I don't know whose fault it was.

So anyway... Yeah.

I have spent the better part of the day merging Florent's and my resume into one so hopefully there will be more out there. I think with his understanding of Java and putting down that he worked for the Plumtree portal that will help us out on all counts. We will see. I know things can't go on like this. I don't know what I want to do but I certainly know what I don't want to do but for now I have to take a bath and get my stuff out of the car. Go to the bank... make a car payment...

Thursday June 20, 2002

I feel so cheated
So horribly
abused
My cunt is tortured
and my ego
bruised
I thought this was it
the answer to my prayers
but the feelings inside
just aren't there
I thought this was it
I was married
legit
But something happened
to make me not
give a shit
the Love inside
can't last
anymore
It's brutally beaten
battled and worn
My heart can not take
the pain inside
watching our souls
consistently
collide
Over nonsense
Pessimism
Decay and despair
No growing
No learning
No bodies entwined
Remember that time
I left you all
wet?
Your touches so
tender and satiable
caresses
Your kisses
latching
up under my dresses
Your methods of
attacking are barbaric
at best
Leaving me defenseless
torn
and distressed
I thought I could trust you
and myself
but life didn't give us
theses chances
we got lazy
and crazy
not wanting to see
that you were not
meant for me
We struggle with
impending doom
staring us in the faces
of gloom
I see you simply for
who you are
carefree
contagious
infectious
courageous
Too young to even see
the things that always
pleased me
It was such
a lovely trip
Consuming and
loving
burning the strip
You will always be
special to me
but you would not
allow me to be free
Show me off
around the town
taking me dancing
being a clown
Life isn't the same
without hearing my
name
fall from your lips
gently grazing my hips
I need some quality
time alone
I gave you too much

Catherine

>Catherine,
>I wish we are back together in future times. I can't love someone
>more than you and it hurts so much in my chest and guts that I can't
>breathe.
>Sunday I cleaned the boat, I do it regularly on a daily basis.
>Do you think I can see Grover during the weekend.
>I accomplished a lot of things today and wish I have some kind of
>emergency contact number to keep in touch. You will kill me if never
>saw you again. I think our separation will make us better persons. I
>would like to be by your side when you are happy and by your side
>when you are sick as well after all it is in the contract.
>Let me know what is your point of view. I think of you most of the
>time.
>As soon as I am settled I will date you.
>Your camera is fixed. I arranged something with my friend Nicholas.
>I wish we get together for some cultural activities during the week
>end. I expect to work this week.
>Feel free to come on the boat anytime you want, I know it is not
>very attractive, when we moved in I thought it could be the coffin
>of our relationship. Tell me I was not right.
>Anyway the beach is very crowded and what do you think of going
>there on Friday night.
>I won't love someone more, ever. My life does not have sense without
>you. Why am I here now?
>I love you. I try to keep my head cold but I am burning inside. A
>love fever that suffocates me.
>I am dedicated to make my life better so you can move back when you
>are ready.
>Florent
>
>
>

I went to the boat last night. Spent the night. We fought again. I told him I no longer loved him. He hurt me too much. Back and forth the drama spins fighting and hurting nobody wins!

 

Friday June 21, 2002

Happy Birthday Ian!

I am beside myself. I don't know what to think how to feel what to do. I'm angry, frustrated, heart broken and disillusioned.

I went to see Spider Man with Buzzy. It was awesome. I loved it. I wish all movies could be like that.

I'm so depressed right now. They totally cut my hours to nothing. I am working one day now but I think I can't do it anymore. I need to get out of here. I need to change my life.

Saturday June 22, 2002

I went on a date last night.

Monday June 24, 2002

What a fucked up weekend.

I saw this guy... Jon Fisher... fall right before my eyes in a dead faint. The whole restaurant stopped and that was the end of it. I have never felt a room so heavy in my life. Everyone just stopped what they were doing and watched what was going on.

I was the first one to watch and see... at first he was dead. Buzzy even said that. He was deadder than a doornail. Then something flashed behind his eyes and all I could think about the whole time Buzzy and Lonny were freaking out was how easy that could have been me. How I could just fall over from something like that and never recover.

I thought life was too precious to waste. I thought I could work it out with Florent. I thought it would work out. I thought so many many different things...

I was packing up my stuff to move back on the boat and then he said it... he said "Babe, I can't look for a job because I have to go to a political meeting."

I just stood up and walked away, came down to my computer to see if the software installed. He went and got his stuff out of the car. Came back and brought me the keys. I ran after him "Can I have a minute of your time?" He kept ignoring me. I ran up to him and pushed him. And when I realized that I could lose control over myself so easily, I decided to let him go. It wasn't worth it to me anymore.

I started to cry. I called Buzzy. "He's a chowder head." was one thing that stuck out in my mind. "You are too smart for this." Was another. Why have I allowed myself to be abused and to abuse? What was it that made me snap? If I knew going out on a date with someone else could mean the end of this relationship... wasn't that enough?

But going out presents a whole other kind of problem... dealing with the dating scene. Friday night was awesome. I met Asif at Cava and we always had something to say to one another. I was very attracted to him until he said "I usually like petite women" and when I heard that I was kind of... insulted because there is no way you could ever make me petite. I will never be petite... He's Greek and Pakistani and amazingly enough... the kind of guy I usually go for. Artsy and thin. Only he actually has a job and an MBA and is successful which is something I don't know if I can handle. I'm so used to being with guys with no motivation that it's hard to come away from being sucked into the abyss.

I have a job interview tomorrow at 11 that I should go to sleep for now. Today he got me. Even though I feel the way I do about him doesn't mean he feels that way about me. He doesn't love me. He doesn't care about anybody but himself.

Deported... it's your birthday... you suck... get away from me!

I wish I could be all sad and boo hoo all night long but I can't. When he left and I sat here and started to cry and I called Buzzy and she was Frank tonight I turned on my computer and there was Asif. We started talking and I told him what happened and he told me to call him so I did and he made me laugh a lot, we had a decent conversation and he talked about all the ideas he has been getting for my fem ejac video since he has all the goodies.

I'm doing a voice over tomorrow. Things are starting to move in a good direction. I should call my grandmother and ask her if she can get me a plane ticket. Or maybe by chance something will happen so I can get a free ticket home. Wouldn't that be great?

I can't believe I was so stupid to be nice to him again. Now I know for sure there is nothing that is ever going to happen in my life if I stay with him. What a fucking bastard. At least I am figuring all this shit out now instead of years down the road. I don't care if I have to have brain surgery alone. I don't care if I ever have to be alone again as long as I live (lol... like that would ever happen to ME). That wave of nausea that washed over me... that said a lot right there.

Fuck it. Life is too short. There are other turds in the toilet.

Tuesday June 18, 2002

I had the cops called on me today. I had an interview with the Starbright foundation that is run by Steven Spielburg and General Schwartzkof. Maybe something will come of that yet. The chick that interviewed me told me that another chick was going to go away to school in Hawaii. I just hope that I don't have any outstanding warrants or anything like that on my record... there is that one ticket I didn't pay...

So... I am very... antsy. Some other guy called me today too for a job so I am keeping my fingers crossed. I am slowly getting away from him. He makes me too angry and today when he called the cops because I "pushed" him (I was just standing in his way so he couldn't leave which he has done to me 100 times) while he was the one trying to suffocate me with a pillow. I don't know how but my head started to bleed. This was after I spent the afternoon going around to different places in the Marina trying to find some little job that will help me pay the rent.

He lied to me about getting $600 and got $1000. At least when he called the cops on me "You knew they were coming which is why you hurt yourself" I took his passport and discovered the big ass fucking lie about the money. I am not happy with him. I don't want anything to do with him again but unfortunately we are married. So... I don't know what to do what to think or how to feel. At this point it's all comical to me.

I told him that if he wanted to come back to me that his life would be hell but I don't think he believed me. He doesn't get to drive my car. He has to walk everywhere. He hasn't washed his clothes. He stinks. I woke him up when I went to the boat. I don't know why I even bothered to go. I dreaded going. I want him off so that I can enjoy it to myself. I want him out of my life.

But then again I am brain damaged and when I think about all the shit he is pulling on me now... and have someone else repeat it to me I start to cry because when it's me... I can deal but when I hear about something like this happening to another person... I cry and cry and cry.

So... fucking bastard. I hate him so much. I wish I didn't need him for anything. I don't. I just need to separate myself from him and his fucked up bullshit about how the economy is crashing on a daily basis and that we are doomed doomed doomed. I am sick of the lies. I am sick of his bullshit. I have never hated someone so much in my life.

I had to call Dez when I was through. She helped me so much. I don't know what I would do if she wasn't my sinker or Buzzy. My god... it's time some wonderful things started happening for me. I can't take this shit anymore. IT'S NOT EVEN MINE!

I am going to work out an agreement with Pearl that every night I stay here I work on her site but I need her to pay me so I can get my car out of hock.

Florent's life has fallen apart. He can't get his shit together to save his life and he is sinking into the abyss and damn near took me with him. I kind of understand more about my parents now. How tragic. But I don't understand how he thinks that... life could be... the way he made it. Chowder head. That's his new nickname.

I feel like even though the pieces are falling apart I am coming together. I am getting my shit together. I tried to make him understand that you have to work to get things a certain way and he's just not willing to work. I have done everything from being supportive to being a bitch and nothing gets through so distance is the best cure if not divorce.

I don't know how I got this bump on my head. But the officer was willing to lock him up and I guess I should have told her to lock him up and throw away the key but one of my friends, Harley spent the night in jail last night because of the shit his girlfriend is putting him through.

I know it will never work out between Florent and me ever again. I give up and I don't believe in going back to someone that abuses you and I certainly don't want to remember myself these last few months abusing him back but he's got his head so far up his ass he thinks the world owes him something. I have systematically taken everything away from him... grounding him hoping that he will learn how to work to get his shit back but I know he's too old to be disciplined.

I did a voice over today as well. Chris told me I should tie him up and whip him with a crop but I am really no longer interested. Baby... it's not my bag.

Please hope and pray that I get this job working with the kiddies. Right now that's the only thing that makes sense to me. When I went in she told me that they checked all my sites and would like to link to the one of momma dying and I started crying right then and there. I have never been so overcome with emotion in my life... kind of blindsided to be more precise. Maybe he is actually getting it through his head and cleaning the stench in the boat. It's a fucking pig sty.

I can't wait to start fucking someone new.

Wednesday June 27, 2002

I found the most beautiful flowers today. I have never in my life seen anything like them. With the white flower hanging gently to the said and then you can see how the... pistils just come up underneath the purple leaves. I dropped one off to Buzzy and Jen. I just popped it in her car. The Fragrance is to die for. I love this and I have no idea what their name is. I'm at Pearl's tonight. I got the digital camera working so now I can add some photos. Which makes me very happy. It was not an easy day. But I woke up in a good mood. I knew Pearl was going to sell a lot of stuff to someone with Brown hair and was going to spend a lot of money. I didn't tell anyone because the psychic thing has been off for so long that I am scared to start predicting things anymore. However these things are giving me hope. Kramer from Seinfield came in and spent some $. I was tickled to death for Pearl. Then there were people that came into the store and she sat them down and showed them all the wonderful things she could custom order from Rawstyle.com

Pearl's Palace. The stairs lead up to my room.

	Florent called me and asked me if I would take him on an interview. I had an interview down in the Marina anyway so I stopped by right after he finished showering. I was so happy he was clean. He has been hustling lately and he says that when he takes my computer to interviews that they automatically recognize that he is a professional. Since I had to wait I made him buy me a new dress. I was ecstatic to have it and I know you can't tell from this photo but it matches my hair and then it also makes me look like one big sun ray.
	I have this problem with picking on my face and living out here in the cess pool has made my face look so bad. I hate having it look like this but since I am dark it's not so noticeable. Right now the tip of my nose if threatening a volcano... somebody loves me :) Plus I am getting ready to have my period so I am sore and achy. When I picked him up he swore he would be positive that we needed to talk to one another in a positive way so I told him OK. Of coarse when time wore on it started again. He finally said that he thinks we love each other too much which could be true but I am not so attached to his shit that I want to fuck up my life. I am being very cautious right now. I wish I could just be a cold hearted bitch and leave and not care but I am not like that. What I can do is stay here at Pearl's for a spell and just visit with him on the weekends or something. I am kind of getting into living out here.
	I know Buzzy is mad at me for being such a dumbass but hey... I have a little brain damage so it's kinda hard for me to love someone so much and just let them go. That's never been my style. But I have also never had the cops called on me either... so... whatever. I know everybody hates me right now because I just can't ditch him but no one else is in love with him and I'm sorry but I chose him. I don't have to justify having a relationship with him. We are not having sex right now because I don't want to and that's been the largest portion of our life together. I know he's not the best thing that ever happened but at least now he's working on it and not sitting on his ass or doing whatever it is he does. Portrait of a psycho?

Part of me knows I need to let up a lot too because I can be a cunt too but we will see how things go. I don't have to live with him now and he paid the rent so I am very happy about that. And he knows he's in the shit house too.

I don't know but I don't have to. Now I can go to Kentucky for a while and now worry so much about what is going to happen around me.

So I am sure I don't have a lot of respect from anyone for believing in him. Maybe the lesson I have learned is that I shouldn't air my dirty laundry but I have never known how not to do that. I'm taking it one day at a time and today was a nice day. I hope that I can start trusting him again. I have been doing little things to show that I'm willing to work on it but... I am not living with him.

Maybe I am the one that needs to change my attitude. I think I do. I need more work on myself.

Saturday June 27, 2002

Oh my God... I have become an angry, bitter person. Nothing... and I mean nothing is making me happy. I woke up this morning after cleaning the fuck out of the boat yesterday because fucking Florent hasn't done it and I stubbed my toe and half my fucking pinkie nail came off. It hurts like a mother fucker and it woke me up because it hurt so bad. I can walk on my foot broken but for some reason when that nail came off my foot it hurt like a mother fucker.

Then I have this GIGANTIC zit on the tip of my nose. It is sore and it hurts. I can't wait to start my period. Oh... that's it. I'm PMSing.

I had distant sex with Florent and once I got off I told him to get off me. He tried to watch High Octane to get off, which is one of the voice overs I have done. That didn't work so now he's talking about how he didn't get off. Blue balls anybody?

I can't go home because we simply don't have the money. I have an interview at Jamba Juice on Tuesday which makes me happy because I can ride my new bike (Marina is letting me use it) to work in the Marina. Plus I think everyone here knows how much I love my juices. Visions of making my specialty juices dancing in my head...

I don't think I got the job at the Starbright Foundation. I'm just plugging away though. Florent had to move his storage into another place and when I realize you couldn't SEE SHIT in there I got a wee bit angry and asked to be moved and the woman that worked there told me it was Impossible to do so. Cunt. This was after coming from Olsen's Storage where a guy tried to hit one of the employee's there. That place always has a lot of action and the reason we moved was because whenever we needed to get in there we couldn't. One time the cops were there questioning him. He talked about how he was driving a dump truck one time and ran over someone and killed them. Shudder.

I rode my bike yesterday for the first time. I didn't realize how much I missed it. I am glad we are moving storage though because I have found my summer clothes!

I'm going to try to rent the boat for the 4th of July so that we can get ahead. I found out that we are being "treated like family" by Lonny who pays roughly $132 a month for the slip here. What a fucking bastard.

Pearl has taken FTP access away from me. I don't appreciate it so her son told me I could just e-mail him the files that need to be uploaded from now on and I told him that I was going to have to be paid. Then he told me how "prestigious" it was to have my name on rawstyle.com. I told him prestigious wasn't paying my bills and he wouldn't work for free. That little shit won't even fix his own mother's fucking computers and he wants to tell ME how I should do business. What the fuck ever.

I need to chill. We have the rental car until Monday which has been nice since I picked up my yummy car the other day. I am so happy. I love my car so much and they cleaned the shit out of it. Vacuumed the intimate parts. All that jazz.

I'm really getting into riding the bike though. It was nice just running around on it.

The other night Thomas took Sharon and myself out to his boat where he has it anchored until he can get his shit together. It was so much nicer than being tied to a dock. I could see having super wild sex out there and forgetting that anyone else ever lived on the planet. I would love to watch the fireworks from out there too.

I wish I could figure out why my life sucks so much right now. I talked with Chris about filming my first "erotic educational film" which will be titled "The Gentle Art of Female Ejaculation". I am kind of jazzed. I was talking to the guy I dated about doing it but I decided after seeing his show that Chris has all the equipment from Hustler and he knows what the fuck he's doing so... and he agreed to film it.

I took a bath on the boat this morning. I just got the hose and washed my hair and body and then slathered up the ol' bod and laid out there buck naked. That certainly is an advantage to living out here. I have this amazing golden tan. I should take new photos so that I don't look like a battered wife. Julie wrote me and told me I looked like Farah Facuett... in the Burning Bed. That's not good.

I got the TV running. The reception sucks but it's in the perfect place and hey... we have Seinfield. What a great show.

I'm going to try to write better now because I think it's about time to write about the magic of living on the boat like listening to the Blue Heron scream as it files bye. What a scary noise. I'm surprised they don't use that in movies. Plus now I have really captured Buzzy's attention so I want her to be happy instead of worrying about me.

I printed out August-Feb of my book to take to kinkos to have printed double sided so I can then bind it and take it to an agent. We will see. Lots of things happening... just not fast enough.

I feel the spiders acting up in my spine. Needles going up and down.

 

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