I yelled at you when mommy was in between you because I won't stop and relax and take a nap every once and a while and mommy was in between us so I yelled right in her ear and you screamed in her other.
Then I started screaming at her when she started taking photos of you because I didn't want her to because I just didn't want her to because I think I sometimes what I say should be law.
I also think that my parents should be right in the middle of our relationship and be able to say what they think and be right instead of thinking that mommy might be right every once in a while I am insensitve to what is going on and then I beg for her to forgive me and she is so pissed that she won't talk to me. I won't take care of myself so that impacts our relationship and how I take care of us because I won't update my resume, get that little dick Drew to ensure that the insurance was right or ask Terri for a raise.
So I stay passive aggressive with her and won't get an appointment with a couples therpist so we can learn how to fight in a healthy way. At one point I called her a bitch when you were in the hospital under my breath and she knew me well enough to realize that I had to stay at home to take a rest from the hospital.
Now that she has quit smoking pot she is becoming harder to live with because she is not so tender. I don't take enough time to spend with her any more nor she with me and it's starting to show. I won't look for a better job so we can afford some kind of better life so it's putting a strain on our relationship because she has to take care of you and she feels like shit anyway because she can't work now and I am freaking about money because I won't ask for my raise that I deserve now that I accomplished my flash project.
She doesn't want me to be mad at me for yelling at you but I have pissed her off more than I will never understand because I was a total dick tonight and I am doing things to slowly lose her trust like the bullshit that happened with my parents over the weekend which I will not do anything about (passive aggresive) because it won't happen again and it's easier to let people run all over me than it is to stand up for myself. ~Josh
I really hope I don't live long enough for you to teach our son that disgusting charaterstic because I would rather rot in hell then people run all over him and use the fuck out of him.
Monday August 8, 2004
Today our son was supposed to be born. Looking at him now playing on his baby Einstein thingie has made a difference in making me realize that wow what a crazy trip.
I realize how I thought his parents were one way and now I know they are totally different. They favor his younger brother and it shows. I think it just pisses me off because of what I went through with momma and her estate and the injustice of how they favor Josh's younger brother to him and it just pisses me off even though I know he's the "stronger" brother. It's none of my fucking business. I shouldn't care. I don't want want to care but for some reason it's burns.
My 20 year old cat finally died. Andy sent me his ashes so we got them last week and I picked them up and didn't know what they were. Last night I felt him here and thought of him curled up on the shelf and slept much better. I had a dream about my dad the other night and one of Ken Wach last night. I had married him. It was strange.
The dream I had about Dad was weird in that I was with him hanging out at the Derby. This was after having such a reaction to the way I feel Josh has been slighted. I wish I wasn't reacting the way I am but it hurts me so much to see such obvious favoritism. I guess it happens in every family and it has nothing to do with having a penis.
My son gave me my first kissy tonight. It wasn't meant to be a real kiss but I think it was just one of those things. I think he is learning really fast. He spent the day with Olga and she just fell so much in love with him. It was sweet. He's being fussy right now more than he has been since we brought him home from the hospital.
Josh's parents took care of him on Saturday and they finally realized they can not take better care of him than we can.
Wednesday August 17, 2004
I am besides myself trying to find a doctor for Cassius. This has turned into a nightmare because I want to breastfeed. I am so sick of these fucking morons that think they know better than me and I refuse to give up giving him 10 more IQ points because they don't know what my drugs do to him in the long run. They say in Medications ans Mother's Milk that most of the drugs get destroyed in his gut so what's the big deal?
Buzzy said to me the other day "He's got that happy morphine look." and I was like... the sooner you leave the better. I am so fucking sick and tired of her shit and petty jealously and how it comes out and she hateful things she says to me about breastfeeding my son. I think feeding him formula is disgusting and feeding him from my body is what is keeping me sane right now. I think that's why a lot of women get baby blues because they don't use their bodies the way nature intended.
I've never been happier. I never thought having a baby would make me feel this way but it has.
I'm scared about the coming winter. I'm only taking three meds now... Duragesic, Topamax and Hydrocortizone. My nerves are hopping. I can mostly sleep it off but I am nervous today and when I get nervous the more my nerves hop.
Olga is in Maui and we are watching Maya, her iguana. We got her in Mexico when we went. Her tail still hasn't come back but she is such a pretty thing. If she didn't carry samenolla then I would love to keep her. Josh told me the story last night where we went to "Something's Fishy" (and oh boy was it thanks Adam, our landlord... I am surprised Josh didn't puke all night) where they watched Jan's pet BunBun and he committed suicide in front of Josh and he has forever been traumatized.
So far I am taking to this Mommy business quite nicely. Now that I have gotten over the part where he almost killed us. I still spend most of the day on the computer with him snuggled on my chest while I work on his photos and website and stuff.
I am amazed at how people treat me differently now. Like all I had to do was have a child and it was like walking into the light. Before I was just a raving lunatic whereas now I have a family. I am not in a rush to get married, either.
I don't think I will ever resolve the discord between Josh's mother and myself and that's fine. We are just two different kinds of people and she can hate me for being the way I am I don't give a shit. I don't need her approval to live my life and I certainly don't know why I thought I was going to need them so much when I was pregnant. Now that my boy is here I realize yet again how alone I really am even though Josh is here with us I know now that maybe to a certain degree I am still alone but not just so fucking lonley.
I have an amazing number of AC peole around me now too. They are all warm and supportive. I just wish I had more money. I need to finish up my book and then get Nympohmania going.
it's been 16 years since I've written in this diary and oh my God how times have changed. Voice to Text has made it so much easierand you don't do HTML by hand anymore although I refuse to go into work for us. So this was the last entry of 2005and I wish there'd been moreand I should probably just update this with photographsam I obnoxious little childalthough it's very difficultwhen you don't haveor are doing it old schoollike writing this Andi Mack.I survived my birthhow I survived being raped by a doctor who got me up to 8 grams of fentanyl a day, then his best friend who tried to kill me as well because he wanted to blame me for his death,I can't blame Josh for getting pregnantbut for staying pregnant that was not a good ideamore difficult being a mother and a father when my son doesn't even recognize it.
got it so much easier to do voice to text and it's actually right and I miss writing so muchGod how I miss writing almost as much as I miss f******.I finally jacked offfor the first timea long time the other day might even do it again. Get in the habit and maybe I won't be so angry you're such a b**** to my sonwho is now 16which is unheard of and driving.
I'm mostly on Facebook and Instagramcould I go to jail and Facebook.com/ceclay quite a bit. Instagram I've lost three months this year whoop ti doo I'm ready to find a new platform anyway.
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