I love it when training starts on a Wednesday so by Friday you don't wish you were dead.
I went to Trashy Lingerie today. I will never go again. The fucking cunt that makes corsets told me that she couldn't do anything to help me out so I marched my ass to the REAL Fredericks of Hollywood and spent $166 on 2 corsets, a pair of pants, a skirt and stockings. I look so fucking fly.
Xavier is in a movie. He needs head shots but I bet he got someone else to do them. I guess it's all that hard work of jerking off those fags. "How many dicks are you sucking this week?" so crass.
Connie is marrying Clive. I was just thinking the other day about them. About how her daughter was a little creeped out. Thinking about how Judith told her son she was done parenting him and how he freaked. People are strange. I know I am a person.
He wakes me up again. I think he finally translated "Fuck me HARDER" in his mind. He would come off me "You want more?"
He turns on the light. I love it when they watch. It's such a fucking turn on when they watch their cocks going in and out of my body and then watch the expressions on my face so they can think about fucking me when they jack off. "Yes." and then the after come sensual glow where he has me curl into his arm and he plays with my hair holding it up in the light.
I've managed to lose 4 sizes, I can fit my fat ass into a size 30 sevens yet I am so fat that I can't stand it. You can't win for losing.
"You bad girl." He keeps repeating himself as if I am going to be convinced. Not even remembering his fucking name. I am a horrible girl, which is why I prefer being a woman.
"And you are a bad boy." I tell him. He read the conversation I was having with Moron about taxes and it didn't look nice. I want a weekend night. I'm sick of fucking until dawn and then going to work the next day. I haven't had sex like that since I got married.
At home on a Friday night.
baby, my little brother needs a little time to rest. He hasn't slept for 2
nights this week and he starts to complain, and not feeling well. He'll be
ready again shortly and I'm appreciated your understanding. :) hey, I'll
talk to you soon... in the mean time, take good care of yourself, don't stay
too high.
Sunday April 4, 2004
All night long...
All night... all night...
Jesus, Mary and Joseph. "You kill me. I bring friend next time." Then I am thinking... maybe Balo knew me better. Maybe he was right to bring someone else because he knew one was not enough to please me. Maybe I was killing him too.
"You need 5 men." We got into a hideous argument on Friday. He told me he was tired and I had posted an ad on Craigslist (I'm such a Craigslist whore) to go out dancing with his description. He answered it just after he told me he was going to bed.
Then he called me yesterday. The girlfriend. I don't think he has a girlfriend I just think he likes to be alone. I don't know how he could get away from her and then not spend the night with him on Friday or Saturday. I wouldn't want that kind of girlfriend but then I am a greedy bitch when it comes to sex and when I have something amazing I like to have more.
"You kill me. I'll see you in a month."
When he first got her I wanted to smack him but I think I wanted his cock inside me more. He wouldn't eat me. He got naked and rubbed his cock all over my face but I wouldn't suck on his cock until he licked on me.
Breaking them in is the most fun. "wha wha wha you sounds like a bitch" I wrote to him after his e-mails about how he was tired and feeling sick and whining while on the other hand he wanted to go out and go dancing with someone maybe. "It's all just internet fun." he wrote back. "Please don't hate me."
"Come over and eat me out and I will think about it." He showed up last night. I wouldn't put his cock in my mouth. "Not until you kiss me." He is fucking going insane, his cock keeps getting harder because I wouldn't let him near me. I locked my legs around his hips and locked them so he couldn't move them. He kept trying to get in and I wouldn't let him. I think that made him harder because he finally caved in and started eating away. And then I took him in my mouth.
"You kill me." He talked about how he has a girlfriend but I think he's full of shit. Maybe he does. I don't think I care so I don't know where these feelings of jealousy are coming from. Perhaps it's because he is so frighteningly sensual and I want that for ME. I am greedy. I give him something he hasn't had. He gives me something I haven't.
Wednesday April 7, 2004
My life is so fucking surreal. Moving. New job.
Thursday April 8, 2004
Thinking it was no big fucking deal I went to the Cedar's pain specialist. Another fucking asshole. Over the same shit. "I see no reason except for this cyst where it looks like it could have come back."
I fucking broke out in tears. Not the news I was hoping to hear. "I will get in touch with the neurosurgeon and he will see you within the next week."
Sunday April 12, 2004
I see his ID flash on my phone and naturally I answer. I don't know why I can't resist but all my plans stop for the night and he is here and we are in the pool and Jacuzzi and we are in my bedroom, my nice new bedroom, and smoking pot and he's in me and I am squirting.
He take a picture of me in mid moan but I want the dirtier photos. I want the ones of him in my mouth, of his cock in mid fuck inside my body. When he gets soft from fucking too much I rip the condom and bring him back up again.
"You want more?" he always stops and asks me.
"I always want more."
He read a conversation between me and Tanya that was not too flattering towards the misbehavior I have been participating in. 4 men in one week but I didn't have sex with one of them.
"Why did you have sex with the Indian?"
"Because he helped me move."
I didn't tell him about Xavier. I said my husband. Suki. Was it 4? Javier. Him. It was 3 really.
It's time for bed. All this fucking and arranging and working has me out. I wish he were here with me now. I like cuddling up next to his body. I love feeling him next to me. I love thinking of the way he bit his lip when I told him to slam it inside me and he started to and came really fast. Yum.
Monday April 12, 2004
I'm so fucking out of it. I am in so much pain and the thought of having another brain surgery is lingering on my mind like this hideous view outside my window. There is a haze covering the Southland and it's hot in this room and I want to sleep. I finally have disability, people are wanting lessons left and right and I am going to be taped on Wednesday night for a documentary on female Ejaculation.
Things are rolling. I was telling Josh the other day (the good Josh, Chris and Jen's Josh) that there comes a point when you get happy that you get to wake up from the anesthesia. That fresh just been cut feeling never goes away and I really have to wonder when an AC patient begins to realize that having surgery is par for the coarse as well as becoming an addiction.
This FREAK came over last night that works as a paramedic. Note to self: stay away from paramedics. He claimed to be in med school and to have studied neuro medicine but whenever I talked with him about some of my ideas he just regurgitated BS back to me from a textbook which honestly supported my view however he was too much of a rock to understand the concept himself.
It was very interesting in that he thought by reading my FE ad that I would jump into bed with him, have unprotected sex and he was hairy and gross and short and I was so turned off. I fucking hate when these assholes come to me bitching about (in this case) being with a AHawaiian Tropic model and finding her in bed with his best friend.
"She's on Depo so when she starts her period she goes through 10 maxi pads a day." Can somebody say TMI. "They were fucking and there was blood everywhere..."
Dude... take some time and think about your life. You are only 27 and you don't need to be fucking around with me. I can already see drama, possessiveness and all the other shit I can't stand rolled into one gluttonous piece of shit trying to rub off onto my life. Gross.
He wanted to know who I have been with. When it happened. He wanted me to just give his cock a little kiss and I was just like "NO."
"Oh my GOD I can't BELIEVE you just said no to me!?!"
Um, exqueeze me? WTF? You are in MY ROOM in MY BED and you are telling ME what to do for you?
"You know what? Ut-uh. Homie don't play that."
"It's late and I have to get more things ready for tomorrow." In other words get the fuck out of my apartment. Dallas couldn't wait for him to leave either and when she doesn't like someone that means it's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.
On the other hand while driving to work today I kept thinking of King, his little boy look, his manly body and demeanor. HE can't really say anything to me about anything because he is involved (why do I do this to myself?) and he still fucked me after reading that rancid conversation I had with Tanya the other night.
That's the one getting to me. I need to not get emotionally involved and I miss that fucking prick Balo. When my body gets hot I crave him. I crave him fucking the shit out me. I crave his huge cock inside of me. I crave his companionship. I wish I could care less but the embers still burn in the pit of my stomach from him.
Job is great. I am being interviewed for a documentary on Wednesday.
Wednesday April 13, 2004
Oh my god. I finally realized now why people shouldn't sit on their asses and stay at home. Dallas is driving me fucking nuts and she pisses me off to no end.
I am paying close to $900 a month to live in a half and half luxury ghetto. She starts bitching about me parading boys in and out and I want to look at her and say "Dallas, honey, 1. This is my home. 2. You didn't think just because I was moving in with you my nymphomania would clear up did you? 3. I can have people over whenever and where ever I want.
She doesn't even work. When I come home at night she is sleeping. I am coming to work and granted I get to fuck around a little at least I leave the god damn house almost every fucking day where as she just sits on her ass and does whatever the fuck she wants.
She has no concern for the future. I told her I was going to give lessons in the apartment and she was like "I thought that's why you were keeping the studio?"
"Well if I had a back end to my website then I would be able to afford it but right now I can't."
She is such a cunt. Not once did she ask me if she could help me move a god damn thing but her fat fucking lazy ass sure as hell didn't have a problem putting my stereo and TV in her living room. I gave that fucking bitch 7 days to get used to the adjustment of us living together and she is acting like a whore, wanting to throw away all of my shit and freaking out because I have boys over.
I am going to call Sue and tell her not to bail her out anymore. She needs to get off her lazy ass and do something. I'm personally freaking way the fuck out because she told me once we were moved in that she would start on the website shit and not one thing has she done.
If I get pissed off enough to where I have to do the fucker I am going to hate her. She wants to act like I am such a burden on her lifestyle and I want to sarcasm at her "GET A FUCKING LIFE! LEAVE THE FUCKING APARTMENT SO I CAN HAVE SOME FUCKING PEACE AND QUIET TOO."
I went and saw The Punisher last night and I am in a deep lust. The brooding of Christopher Lambert with the bod of himself. YUMMY. A student took me to an advanced screening.
I took this fucking assessment test last night and had nightmares for the first time in a long time over all this shit. 500 some odd questions. Did you or do you love your father. Why did I say yes? Do you like to watch animals be tortured. No. On and on... I have the questions in my torture kit the doctor is having me keep. If I wanted to pay someone to torture me I should just go find a fucking dungeon but this cock of the walk thinks he knows a thing or two and is taking me from the case as paternal and not approaching this from a "let me see what I can learn" stance.
I can't keep up with the documentation. It's too painful. If I have to think about all the pain I am in all the time. Do you have thoughts of dying. True.
Then I heard from Michael and he bought his ticket from Oz and will be here May 18th. He will be here in LA for a month. He is going to make this the happiest birthday. Excited. Stimulated. Scared. Will he really get me that Cayenne? I feel like I need to drop more poundage but I bought a pair of Sevens in a size 31 and I was tickled. They fit so nice. I'm at 180. I haven't been this little for over 10 years.
Thursday April 15, 2004
I had nightmares the other night about this bullshit situation. I can't live like this. I am going to move in with Zorba. I can't deal with this. I would rather just be chill, not pay more than $400 for rent and have over who I want, when I want and if I want.
Joe, the video game dude is going to make me a hero. He brought me Sponge Bob, Scooby Doo, a bike game and Nemo video games. My nephews are going to fucking love me.
Then I gave him a lesson. I love the energy from a man that hasn't had sex for a while. It's been 7 months since he got a divorce from his wife and he ate my pussy like a fucking champ munching on Wheeties. Oh my god I have never tented from anyone eating me out. It was amazing. There is nothing I enjoy more than a grazing. He was the best ever.
He wasn't used to using a condom. He kept losing it and finally after chatting for a long time I told him to climb up on and try it the 5th time and he slammed it in me and finally came. I was gushing all over him. He was amazed.
"So when you explode like that (love the new phrase) how does it feel?"
"What's it feel like when you come?" I ask him.
It feels good. Duh.
I have to go talk to Dallas. I fucking hate this shit. It's been driving me fucking nuts for the last 3 days. I just can't be her room mate. That's all there is to it.
I work with a celibate lesbian. I love the way it rolls off my tongue. Then I have a gesture that matches it that makes Amy laugh even more.
She told me there is something else going on that I am not aware of. She agoraphobic and Amy has a sneaking suspicion that she might have the hots for me and can't stand that I see so much action.
I talked to the 21 year old version of me today. A mother of a 4 year old AC babe and a 53 year old woman that is already going paralyzed in her face and you can hear it when she talks. Naturally all 3 broke my heart. I talked the most with Katie, the 21 year old version of me. I love her. We are so much alike that I can't stand it. I talked with her for 3 hours and stayed at work from 8 until 8 because I just didn't want to come home because that's how I feel. I hate coming home and I can't stand that shit.
I don't need that kind of stress. I should go get this over with.
I talked to Kathi (the one with the spinal AC) and she told me to tell her I was too tired and that she has no patience for healthy people anymore. She told me that they are linking Syringomyelia to a connective tissue disease and I told her I wish they would fucking connect the dots that AC people have Syringomyelia.
Her fucking AC is inbedded in her spinal cord. I can't believe she can fucking walk. Neither can she.
I would much rather deal with my AC family and all our fucked up problems than come home to a healthy lazy bitch that never leaves the fucking house so she can sit and stew about all the shit she can't stand and whine about her problems and act like she is so put upon. I hate this shit. I am going to update AC.org instead.
Monday April 19, 2004
"If your pain is a 9 with the medication then why do you use it? If 10 is the worst why are you at a 9"
Logical explanation. It's not strong enough. "I've been active. I've been moving."
I don't want to argue. I am not going to bite the hand that drugs me.
I bonded with my little AC family over the weekend as well as having Thai again on Saturday. I didn't have a blinding screeching orgasm but was told yet again what a Bad Girl I am and having amazing sexual gratification. We woke up and went to Fry's. We were going to go to Quizno's but it wasn't open so I told him I would cook him authentic Kentucky cuisine.
We laid in bed and he told me that he has many friends that have big dicks that are "fine". "You need 5 guys. You need fine guys." I know he wants to send his friends over but I am not like that. Somewhere in my mind that's still the one thing I don't like to do, fuck someone I know's best friend.
There is a mother on the boards whose baby had brain surgery the minute it was born. She has had to go in for 2 more brain surgeries already. I told her to abort the child.
I spoke with Viki and Katie. Viki a lot.
"I've been waiting for you." I tell Katie. 21. AC. I had always hoped that there would be one I could relate to. One that was younger than me and I could guide her through what she needed to do and here she is. Miss Katie D. 21 and full of life yet tragically frail as well. We are so much alike in our character it scares me.
"Quit messing with these guys that are attached and find a single one." Once upon a time I knew that. I don't know what happened.
"I'm practicing. He's not coming until May 18th." Oz meat. Yum.
I am going to meet my first AC patient. She lives in Harrodsburg now. Just moved from NM. 10 miles from Granny. I invited her over for dinner on Thursday since she gives lessons in Perryville which is just down the street. She has problems but she doesn't have pain. I hate it that I live in constant pain and the only time I feel really good is when I am having sex.
Yesterday after King left I went to sleep and stopped up the toilet. I couldn't deal with that, I couldn't deal with the washer not working. Dallas called me up to ask me what the deal was with my clothes and how in the fuck was I supposed to know that the washer was fixed? How in the fuck am I supposed to know they fixed it and she didn't fucking tell me?
I hate living with her. I really resent it. I didn't think she would be such a pain in the ass.
"What time are you coming home tonight?"
"I don't know." I might be teaching a lesson. I was in SO much pain last night that I almost went to the ER.
I pulled a typical Friday night with Buzzy. The fuckers that leased us the apartment said that the Jacuzzi stayed open until 11. Now it's at 10. I am pissed. I hate those fuckers.
I think my arachnoid membrane is terribly inflamed which is why I am being so honery. Steroids. I think I need to be on these gems. Maybe I am just being a hormonal brain damaged biotch.
Tuesday April 20, 2004
It's my favorite holiday!!! 4/20!!!!
8 more days and I will be clicking my heels screetching "There's not place like LA. There's no place like LA."
I think I have a boyfriend. His name is Josh. We kiss but no tongue yet. It's nice to lie in bed and smile to myself thinking about him. We are taking it slow. He's doing a bang up job on his site. He was showing me photos of peole and I was curious to see if one of the hula hoop girls was Cristabell and sure enough her photo popped on the screen.
"How do you know her?"
"From the Alfred something gathering that Richard used to take me to."
"It's a small world."
"Downright incesteous."
We made a feast for people that flaked. Overstreet, his room mate, is going out of town for a month. Josh also told me about how his friend, Jeff, told one of the other girls that he was adding her to his BOMB (beat off memory bank) which made me laugh for hours.
I got a book on Cassius Clay today "Firebrand of Freedom" which makes me laugh at many of the things he is saying in here. It's way cool to be taken back to Kanfuckme when it was free from "savages".
Wednesday April 21, 2004
My my my... I forgot what I was gonna say.
I am taken to the South... learning about my pappy. The "Firebrand of Freedom" thanks Sydney Shultze, my Russian professor,
Thursday
April 24, 2004
I squeeze his nipples harder and ask "How long have I been in your BOMB?"
"Ow.... uh... a thousand."
"Is this better than the BOMB?"
"No comparison."
It started in the pool, this seducation. Kids running around and I asked him to streach me. He did my right arm first and pulled. Then the Left. Then I stood on his knees and pulled and pulled. He took me and held my head and my back and just let me float in the water and that was the first time in a very long time that I was not cursed with the weight of my own body. He held me like that for a long time and I just stared up at the stars and felt comfortable.
Then we went up and ate our Taco Bell and watched Kill Bill and snuggled on the couch with Dallas very happy to watch it as it's been out at the Video Store.
He complained about being tired and I told him he could sleep with me. I got a new Canon scanner that is supposed to scan negs so I was trying to get it to work on my computer but it didn't so I gave up and he nodded off while I was doing it. I tossed it all aside around 12 and snuggled up to him and we just caressed one another. I haven't had that kind of sensuality in quite some time so I was loving it. With our clothes on. I forgot to take my meds so I had to hop up and take them and when I came back he was in his boxers.
When his hand made contact to the small of my back I spun.
"One pupil is bigger than the other. The told me to go to the ER." She tells me.
Back and forth his hands traced my flesh like a sculptor adding the finishing touches of love to his art work. Slowly up my shirt to play with my nipples. I was going quite mad from anticipation.
Heart-beat. I could hear it in my ears. Thud, thud, thud. She'd been having problems for over a week now.
His hands all over my body. Touching me in ways not many men have known how. Kissing me the way I love to be kissed with soft wet tongue, no slobber and strong lips. He unzips my jacket and finds my nipples snagging the dying patch on my left tit as well as the fresh one on the right.
I can't see her face. I can't look into her eyes. This creature I've become attached to because she was so much like me when I was her age. 10 years. I can't kiss her cheeks. I can't soothe her pain and being so far away. I so desperately want to be there, help her, make her get better so she never has to know the pain I live with.
He gingerly placed his hands on heaven and slowly made her weep with pleasure. First the outside and once the fingers were in the warm hot excitement that is my trademark came flowing from my body. I threw my head back and enjoyed the pleasure from a gentleman. We got more heated, he would try to cool down only I didn't realize it at the time because I knew I had condoms only he didn't have any so he didn't anticipate anything further. I grabeed his head as he was passionately kissing me and played with his curly hair.
It's the wait... tick tock. What's going on. "They think my optic nerve is swollen."
I am drenched, my pants are still on and I am on fire. I cease to register any pain as the amount of pleasure I am receiving I believe enlarges my pituitary gland and fucks off the arachnoid cyst trying to smother it.
"Katie... please don't do anything..." I got a letter from a lady that had a mylography the other week. I wanted to SCREAM NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe she let them ruin her body like that. Kathi told me she was pulling Jesus Krispy on her and she couldn't deal because she just wants to share information. I got a letter today from a mom. 6 cms isn't that big? It's not doing anything, right?
He finally moves on top of me. I grab him with my legs and gyrate over his hips. Kissing more and more passionately. Moving to his urgings while losing control of my own. My hands on his cheast/his nipples/his ass/his flesh moving over me "harder" he says as my fingers rest against his nipples and that's when I inquire about the BOMB.
"Well, aren't you going to fuck me?"
"I'd like to but I didn't bring anything." Dude.
"That's O/K I do. Get a towel."
Tears fill my eyes intermittenly. It wouldn't be so hard if I hadn't bonded so fast but I can't help myself. Maybe... hopefully she will never know. I pop some neurontin to make the electrocution die down. My nerves were hopping. I can see why Sama is worn down but I am careful who I get close to. I talk to her everyday. Even if it's just to hear her breathe. I want to throw my arms around her and feel her mind invade mine communicating the only way ACs can. My cheeks flushed after she called. I could feel her.
It was slow. It had been a while and I love the feeling when it's been a while. A little Eager, shy and what have you.
Friday April 23, 2004
So I went to see Dr. Graff-Radford for no reason. Since I had not seen anyone associated with Dr. Black or a neurologist or a psychologist my 2 hour wait was for no reason. I told Cindy the manager how the phone number in my chart was incorrect which is why no one there had called me back.
I also told him about all the research I had been doing.
"Last time I was here you said if I was your wife I wouldn't be on narcotics. If you were my husband there would be a treatment for my disease."
"Well you can be my wife."
"You are married." I said looking at his wedding ring.
"I mean my research wife."
"I'm not getting paid $400 an hour to do research. And since I didn't see any of these other doctors I am not paying for this visit since somone else made the mistake of putting my number in wrong."
So now I have to really call next week and make an appointment with the neurosurgeon. I really hate typing that out.
I was so weak today that I didn't get to work until 11. Which is OK since I stayed late every other day.
I started my period today. I am going over to Josh's. I brought my bag to stay the night.
I'm fucking on fire right now. If My nerves were setting me on fire, literally, I would be white... oh wait... I already am!
Monday April 26, 2004
Bo-bomb.
Just like that...
bo-bomb.
"He taught you the 5 pointed exploding heart trick? Why didn't you tell me?"
"I don't know... I guess I am just a bad person."
The phone call to the NS office. An appointment tomorrow after lunch. First one. It typically takes a month to see one of them. It took me less than 24 hours. My heart keeps beating.
I signed up for benefits today and added moron because that's the kind of woman I am. Life Insurance too.
I'm hoping I can keep my job but I am not going to count on it. It would be nice if Cigna did what I needed and finally got me on long term disabliity.
I am going to go brave the traffic. Josh is coming over and so is Buzzy. I leave on Wednesday for Kanfuckme.
Tuesday April 27, 2004
I saw Dr. Black today. He told me I have Empy Sella Syndrome. Another battery of tests. A neuro optomologist. Still the pain doctor will not give me drugs.
After those appointments then I will know if I need surgery again. I want to puke.
