Thursday June 23, 2005
I'm over it.
I'm so fucking stupid I wish I had never done this. I wish I had realized my OB was a fucking jerk when I found out he wasn't paying his employees enough to live on and didn't pay benefits. I should have known what a cocksucker he was.
All of his accomplishments. He threatened to quit caring for me. He's betrayed me and I feel like I am so fucked that I don't have a choice and my body doesn't matter any longer. It's all for the baby and I am beginning to resent him. I don't want this anymore. I'd rather be dead.
I'm at Hunington Hospital now. I see Dr. Caton tomorrow to hear that I'm going to be fine and that my spine will recover and that's that. I know that's not the case.
The nurse is reasuring. She tried to come in here and give me a shot to develop the babies lungs and it was a mistake. I had the shot to develop his lungs on Sunday.
I hate my OB now. He made a veiled threat not to be my OB. He wants to keep me in the hospital for 4 more weeks. When I interviewed him he acted like my health was more important. Now I know differently. I was so naive. All my doctors seemed very encouraging.
I called Dr. Irma today to tell her what was going on and she told me to get Josh and Lesli together so we could approach this as a team and get the support I need.
I honestly would rather have an abortion than go one more day. I realize now that I can not care for myself and thinking about caring for a baby is another bag of worms to the one I already have. I know I shouldn't say this... he could die and then I will be totally devisdated but that's life. These things happen.
I felt like I was going to die the other day. I feel him sucking the life out of me. Jos hwas like "Oh no he's not doing that" and I'm sorry but I have had too many episodes of dying to know the difference.
We are broker than a joke.
Lesli is here. I can't tell you what a mind saver that has been. It's funny how much and easy it is to fall in love with her again. She is overwhlemed with all the people and I told her I am as well. It surprises me to meet someone and know them longer than five days out here. I've never gotten the sister time I am getting with her now.
"You are becoming the mother..." Pam told Lesli after doing the wedding. I'm mad because I put her in a state to smoke today and she was doing very well. I hate it that I have to go through this and that I felt like there was no other alternative but to come to the hospital. I hate being here.
